Diving in head first...

[stickywater]

Hi everyone. I am new to the forum and i am just going to dive in head first and post a thread of a current situation that I am in. I am new to the disease of addiction. My ex-girlfriend, who i have a 14 month old son with, has an addiction to heroin...and more recently coke. She had told me when she was 17 months pregnant with our son that she had been taking pain pills(opiates) for the last 3 years. She got on subutex shortly after she told me this and other than a rough pregnancy and being born premature, our son was ok. I learned over this past summer that she was pregnant again, and she said it was mine. Although it was a possibility, it was very hard for me to believe anything she said anymore. Back in October she lost the baby. She felt as if she was down to a low enough dose of subutex that she could quit cold turkey. Of course she got sick, and started w/d. This is why we think she lost the baby. I didn't learn until a month later that after that miscarriage, she had started using IV heroin. She was using about .15 grams every 3 hours...so 2-3 grams a day. and she only is 115 lbs. Sparing you all the drama and detail, I told her I could not let her take my son anymore and we both had hired attorneys. She would take him with to pick stuff up, and obviously she was driving while under the influence...although she stated that she is fine and just uses not to get sick, to maintain. Well I have done a lot of research on addiction, and had an awesome councellor from last May thru October. I had no choice but to say something to my Supervisor at work (we both work in healthcare, same hospital different areas) because knowing what she was doing a patient could get hurt and that would be on me. She no longer is working there as she refused a drug test. I felt like i was cornered into going to CPS because i was afraid she was going to come take our son and i just wanted him to be in a safe environment. I didnt want to do any of these things, but i felt like i had to do what was best for our son. But I have a problem myself...I always seem to end up following my heart instead of my head. I care about her and love her, as she is the mother of my son. I didnt have the heart to go through with proceeding with my attorney, as she would have been crushed even further. There is so much stuff i am leaving out, but let me get to where we are at now. A couple weeks ago i told her how I felt and I had to tell her why I did all the things I did, even though I knew she may not see it the way i saw it. She seemed to understand. then she told me she was back on the subutex, but i knew better that to believe that. But i did not say anything more about it. So things seem to be going a bit better between us, but i can tell that she is still using. I get a call from her a couple fridays ago, she is in w/d asking for help. I picked her up, and took her to the Emergency Room. That is the only way i knew to get her help. She has now been in 10 days of a total 35 day rehab program. This place seems legit. But now i really dont know where i stand now. what i should be doing. I dont want to enable her, fall for her manipulation. I know this is not a one time fix all. She called me after a couple days in and i really did not even recognize her voice, which is a good thing. i have never known her to be off drugs more than a day. But then i thought that it may just be all the other meds they have her taking other than opiates putting her in a good mood. I hope for the best but expect the worst. There is such a thin line between enabling and supporting. She wants see our son and me...do I go visit? Visiting hours are Sundays 11-6. I would love to write her, but I am afraid I would say things that may cripple her. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it is a bit lengthy but i tried to keep it short. Any comments would be appreciated, or questions.

[cheekysod]

i feel for you mate.. ive been the addict. and i know from that side... hopefully you taking this action is going to help her, and make her realize the direction she is going in..
you totally did the right thing by your son...

she needs to want to stay clean. and i would suggest any correspondence confirms for her that you will be there for her during her recovery.... thats all you can do. the rest is up to her..

good luck

[stickywater]

thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated. she has already been very close if not rock bottom with the things she was doing, how she was acting. but i still love her regardless and i want to do all i can do to help the situation. and i understand that she has to be the one who wants it

[brwneydgrl2384]

I'm sorry for the things that have happened to you. I'm on the addict side of the situation. I think you took the right steps in protecting your son, and I think--even if she doesn't see it now--she'll eventually realize why you had to do what you did.

I went to an inpatient rehab facility a few years ago, and I can tell you that they do treat you w/ meds in there, but they also teach you other stuff. When I first went I was in detox and they were giving me a TON of medicine for every little symptom to keep me comfortable. I was also in at least six groups a day, meetings w/ both a psychiatrist and psychologist, a nutritionist, family counselors, therapists...pretty much every doctor you can think of. They really do try and teach you how to deal w/ the underlying problems that made you start and keep using in the first place.

If she's already been in there for at least ten days, and the rehab facility is letting you visit, then it might not be a bad idea. When my first visitation came around, I'd only been there for 2 days so I wasn't cleared for it. Every place is different, but because they're seeing her everyday, they probably know more about what she can handle at this point than you do. (And I'm not in anyway saying that to be mean.)

If you do go and visit her, I wouldn't bring up anything from the past. Start by letting her do most of the talking; the fact that you're even there to see and support her will mean A LOT. Let her know that you do still love her, and you're proud of her for taking the steps that she's taking.

Just know that you're not alone, you'll find a lot of advice and support here, but ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your son. Stay strong. <3

[stickywater]

^^^Wow, you hit that nail right on the head brwneydgrl. thank you for your feedback, and I don't think you are being mean. That helps alot. I know I shouldn't worry, but the last conversation we had wasnt the greatest. Last time I talked to her she was upset. She said that some of the other heroin addicts had snuck some stuff in. she said that they searched her room and drug tested her also. Then she said they did it again the next morning. She was pretty upset to say the least. i just tried to ensure her that they were probably just following protocol. And to just let them do what they had to do. Then she mention that they were out to get her and wanted to leave. She had asked me to go get her, and she asked her mom the same. But of course I politely declined. this place is about an hour outside of town in the middle of nowhere. she said thats fine and she will stay there, but not participate in anything. can she do that? Would they just let her leave like that? She has no money, no id, no keys to her house or truck. I have not heard from her since.and of course when I call, they cannot confirm nor deny she is there.

[brwneydgrl2384]

Unfortunately, unless she's being forced there by the state or committed by a hospital then they can just let her leave. They probably won't just let her walk out the front door w/ nowhere to go and no way to get there. Mine wouldn't. Somebody from my group left early and even though they strongly advised against it, they couldn't force him to stay. They wouldn't let him leave w/o a plan though.

As far as not participating, when you're detoxing they don't really make you. They ask you to try and do what you can handle, but they know that you're uncomfortable and a lot of times out of it, so they don't force you. When I first got to my rehab, I didn't really think that I had a problem, I only really went for my family. I figured I'd get through my time, go back to living my life the way I wanted to, and everybody would leave me alone. But the more groups I went to and the more people I started to talk to, the more I started to realize and understand things about myself. I was only there for 12 days start to finish, b/c that's all my insurance would cover, and reality was hard when I got home.

In my own experience the longer I was there, the more I started to open up and talk to people and my counselors and the more I learned from the experience. Hopefully the same will happen for your girlfriend. I think--even though she doesn't want to participate right now--eventually she will.

Even in a rehab setting, it's not an easy fix. It's a slow process, but they have the best people there to give her what she needs. All of my group counselors were recovering addicts themselves, and they knew exactly what to say to give me the help I needed when I needed it. And I think a lot of rehabs are like that.

Also, when I talked to my family on the phone (for the few minutes I got each day) it was really hard. I thought about how much I didn't want to be there, and what I thought I was missing out on, and I either told them what I thought they wanted to hear or I tried to make them feel sorry for me and begged them to come and get me. Our conversations didn't always end well either b/c of course they always said no. I thought they were just being mean, but eventually I started to realize that they were doing it because they loved and cared about me.

I know that everybody is different, and I'm clearly no expert. But I'm just trying to tell you a little about what I went through, so you can understand what she might be going through. As hard as what you're describing is, it all sounds pretty normal to me, and I've been there.

Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. <3

[stickywater]

And I thank you and appreciate you for sharing.

[stickywater]

well we went out to visit my girfriend at rehab this past sunday, spent the whole day. I am happy our son got to see her, and she got so see him. I really didnt know what to expect and was a bit nervous. but everything went ok! so thats a positive, for now anyways. i was happy to see her too, but not only that but it seemed like she was doing much better. from what i understand she was pretty involved with her groups and opening up pretty good with the councellors. it was hard for us to leave, sad. but she wants to stay the full 35 days and graduate. i am proud of her for even making it this far! i have never known her to be of drugs for this long! i will continue to write he a couple times a week, and go out and visit her again in a couple weeks with our son. i really dont know how everything is going to go down when she gets out, which is about 3 more weeks. she is afraid that i will leave her someday if she starts using, and i am afraid to get even more hurt because i know there are no guarantees in recovery. i know i have mentioned this before, but it seems like there is such a fine line between enabling her and supporting her.

[ARTIST658]

it seems like there is such a fine line between enabling her and supporting her.

Hey Sticky,

Simply put, enabling is doing anything that could help her to use drugs again. Supporting is doing what you can to help her stay clean. You need to be clear about the behaviors of an addict to realize which is which. I urge you to attend some Alanon or Naranon meetings, where you can get a better understanding of the disease, and learn how to take care of yourself, as well as to stop enabling.

Generally, the loved ones around the addicts are the most powerful enablers, and are blind to what they're doing. That's how the addict is able to manipulate them. If you want her to find lasting recovery, you need a much better understanding of your role - and Alanon or Naranon is the best place for you.

Enabling can also be considered doing anything for the addict that they can - and should - do for themselves. When the partner of an addict steps in the pay the bills, buy the groceries (etc.) when the addict isn't being equally responsible, that's enabling.

Hope this helps a bit.

God bless,
Ruth

[stickywater]

that helps alot Ruth, thank you. I will for sure attend some ALANON or NARANON meetings. I first started learning about the disease of addiction when i had to attend 26 DVSA groups. my counselor was awesome, he is a recovered addict/alcoholic for some 20+ years. there were a couple other addicts also in the group and i learned so much from them as well. i took something from each group, and gave back as well. this forum has done a great deal for me too!

[stickywater]

well, the visits i have made have been pretty good. good to see and hear the awesome, positive things she has to say. she is not ashamed at all to be an addict, and i am not ashamed either for her being an addict. i am truly proud of her and all the steps she has made. she gets out this friday, but she has decided to go to after care...in cali. i know this is a good thing, and this is one of the top places that her counselor recommended. this is a 90 day program. i am happy to see her taking even bigger steps to stay sober, but i am going to miss her so much. i understand that this is something she has to do. and i will be attending a couple alanon groups later this week to help me deal with all this. i'm not going to lie though, this 90 days is gonna be rough...

[ClassiqueMom]

thanx for the continued updates, stickywater..

i pray your girl finds her way.. and stays on that path..

may God give you wisdom

Classique MoM

[JamieLynch]

I understand the turmoil you are going through. I had a similar situation come up a few years back and it was the most difficult situation I have had to deal with. In most cases its best to be straight forward with them, but with the understanding that it is all within them to make a change.

Jamie

[Catrina]

Hi Stickey,

I just read your thread. I, like many others here, am the addict. I found this Forum in Dec, 2009 and took the final plunge to get clean early in January, 2010. So far, so good. I also have an adult son who is an active addict and has been for quite a long time, probably over 10 years. We have spent tons of tears and money doing whatever we could to help him including rehab, more than once. Never worked and I'm sure the reason it didn't work is because he went to detox and rehab because WE wanted him to. We'd corner him and give him his options: go to rehab or go anywhere else but home. Once, he managed to stay clean after rehab for around 3 months. Another, I think he went out to use the very day he came home. Anyway, I think we all understand what you are going thru.

I really know how tough it is for you to see her leave for California for aftercare. However, this is such great news! This means that she's serious. Those of us who think that a month in rehab and the intense counseling that is provided there has "cured" us are sadly mistaken. This is so, so not true. The fact that she knows she's a long way from being safe is so incredible. Although you will miss her, this is a very plain sign that she is serious about staying clean. Keep the message she's giving you as a true God send. Honestly, I can't think of anything that would be better news than what she has given to you. Remember how hard this is for her. All of it. Recovery is impossibly difficult in itself but she's leaving you and your son behind for just a little while to continue her recovery. If she stays on this path, she's going to return to you clean and happy and it will be worth every minute she's away.

Peace,

Cat

[stickywater]

Thank you Classique MOM and Jamie. This forum is so awesome, you guys are awesome. It makes me feel so much better when you all share your thoughts. I cannot thank you enough! And Cat...your words have given me comfort, some peace of mind, and now i can take a deep breathe. It is great news, and i just needed to hear that from someone else. I totally get that this is major that she wants to stay clean, and all i want to do is support her the best i can. But i am also human, and I dont want to say anything to her that would have her worry about how i am doing. I know that i am probably just driving myself crazy with everything that goes on in my head, but i know that there is no "cure." So i hope for the best, but i also have prepared myself for the worst. I let her know this and i think she took it as if i have no faith in her. I have so much faith in her and am soooo proud of her to get where she is at, and i have let her know this. after reading everyone's replies, i have come to realize that she can take all the time she needs to get where she wants to be...a healthy human being. Thank you all again, for your prayers and thoughts.