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Day 4 and needing support to get my life back...
I’m 26 and I’ve been addicted to oxy’s/ any opiate for the past 4-5 years. I started using hydrocodone recreationally at first which then went to using them daily and you probably know the rest, started snorting oxy’s, a few 40mg/80mg’s a day (about 160 mg and up daily). I did this for about two in half years.
I finally started a Suboxone program about three years ago, at first I didn’t take the subs as I should’ve, I’d use for a while then take a sub for a few days till I could get more oxy. Finally, after a year of not doing the suboxone program the correct way, I stopped using oxy and took 4-8 mg’s of suboxone daily. I did this for over a year and didn’t use any opiates during this time. At this point I felt like I was ready to be off the subs, I tapered down to about 1 mg a day, I got a week off work and had time off school to withdrawal from the subs. This was very difficult as I expected, although I have a great support system with my family and friends to always help me out, and they helped me during this time. I went through a week of miserable wd’s from the subs but stayed strong and got off them. Returned to life as a recovering addict and accomplished things I never would’ve if still using, I finished my degree and found a good job at a great company. I never had craving for about 10 months during this time, not having resist the urge to use.
Around the New Year of 2012, I was around some people who wound up having some 30 mg oxy’s, I bought a few to feel that high again and next thing I know, two weeks later I’m back to using every day and spending way too much of my income on oxy’s. I relapsed like the addict I am. Now, after using for the past 5-6 months I’ve decided I need sobriety again, I detoxed about a month ago, made it five days and relapsed again, tried again two/three weeks ago and the same thing happened. Now, it’s again day 4 (100 hours, I count every second as a victory) and I’m trying to stay strong for once. I feel the worst of the wd symptoms are past me besides the ever challenging mental aspect to this.
Here’s where the main issue for me is, I can’t go to my family or close friends for support, and they don’t know I did relapse this past go around. I’m going to see an old psychologist that I used to see tomorrow, so that should be nice to be able to talk to someone. But, I feel I need other support, so I ask, of anyone that has dealt with issues like myself to please help me beat this and make it by each day without needing opiates.
I just want my life back, to be able to enjoy things that I used to and have to numb myself to feel happy or complacent. Anyway, sorry for the length and any replies would be greatly appreciated.
fezafou, there are many people on here who can relate to exactly what you are going through. The blue 30's were my drug of choice, so believe me I know. I won't go into my full story (you can click on my screen name and read my threads if you ever want), but basically I'm at 112 days today off of them. I used for about 4 1/2 years...with the last 2 years or so getting really bad. At my worst I was up to 180 mg a day of them. I tried to quit in September '12 but didn't get too far. Tried again this time around (was at about 60-90 mg/day) and so far I've been doing well. My usage started with a prescription after I had my son. The pills helped me deal with my new life as a stay at home mother....the stress, the boredom, all of that. Of course at that time I took like 5 mg a day, never thinking it would EVER get as bad as it did. But of course it all went downhill from there. I lost myself and spend THOUSANDS of dollars just to maintain this habit.
O.K., so Day 4! That is great and you should be proud! I celebrated every 12 hour mark, whether I was feeling better or not. My mindset was that no matter how I felt, I HAD to be getting better if I wasn't taking something. Every night I would think "maybe tomorrow will be better". Honestly, sometimes it wasn't....but as time went by, everything started to get better.
The physical wd's are so tough...but truthfully what scared me the most was the thought that I would never enjoy anything the way I did when I was on the pills. I thought I was taking the pills to deal with the stress of my life...so I wondered how I would ever deal with that life without them. What I found was that my life is so much less stressful, so much more enjoyable without the pills in them. What the reality was, is that I was taking the pills to deal with the stress of being an addict. Talk about a viscious circle, right?
Physically I started to feel better not long after where you are at. The the mental fight kicks in and that's a whole other battle. But the bottom line is, just let yourself get to the next stages and it WILL get better. You WILL enjoy your life again....
Welcome to the forum, as you could probably tell by the screen name, blues were my DOC as well. I was taking 7-9 daily, flaked on subs etc and went cold turkey last July. Made it all the way until the beginning of May and relapsed for several weeks at around 5/days. Today I am on day 8 again and totally pi$$ed at myself for slipping, but truth is....I really enjoyed my sobriety while I had it and proved to myself that life can be enjoyed sober. Well, i messed up my one year clean time, but I have control of my life again.
Welcome to the forum,.keep posting and always remember those horrible days of WD! You should be about to turn the corner now and feel human again.....don't take that for granted! This forum is great, stick around and learn some stuff!
Welcome to the forum... There is a lot of help here, experience and tough love; all I can say is that it has meant a lot for me to be here (including the major "speed bumps" in the road). For me, it has been a lot of self-examination, and finding out how many lies I fed to myself. (Not very happy about that, but glad to know of it.)
I am on Day 1, so I can't offer a lot of sage advice, but stick around; others with more time will be very helpful.
FF and Thalia, you can do this. I often say , "if I can do it, anyone can". So stay the course, stay vigilant. This forum is one of the best tools out there for exactly what you are going through.....SD
Wow, thank you so much everyone that responded...it really means a lot to me. So, today is day 5, (120+ hours since last use). The rest the day of work after posting that message yesterday was OK, somewhat difficult at times. I felt lethargic throughout the day and really lacked energy at times, I know this will come back over time, just difficult. The worst at this time is the depression that lingers and hard to find things to be happy about. Also, muscles are somewhat sore but nothing too bad.
I kept busy after work to keep my mind off things, played some basketball (somewhat difficult and very tiring) and went for a walk, both felt good to do. Here’s the biggest issue now, and it’s very bad timing and a perfect storm for me; I know one connect is getting a script for 120 of the blue’s today (just typing that was difficult) and will be trying to get me to buy some. Going to try my best to not mess up again, I really hate the mental aspect of this…what I don’t understand is I stopped using before but I’m having troubles with these craving this last go around.
Today is very important for me…a day 6 would be amazing…hope I make it. Thank you again everyone for the responses.
you're doing awesome! keep it up.
Thank you Toni
Well, the issue of yesterday was the impending call from my guy that he had the blues, but it never came and I somehow never gave in and called him. So, now it’s day 6 and I’m feeling better and sleeping pretty well. After I got out of work last night, which was the time that worried me, I played some basketball to get moving and keep my mind occupied, this helped tremendously, I’m very sore today of course, but just embrace the feeling knowing that’s normal. My energy isn’t back fully, still a little lacking in that regard. Also, my emotions are still out of whack, but I do know that both these things aren’t going to be back right away, it does take time.
Anyway, thanks again everyone and just need to stay strong and make it each hour clean.
How are you doing fezafou? This stuff is not easy, to say the least...
Fez, there were times I had to make 15 min at a time. You are doing well anything I can do to help willing to do so Hang tight man you CAN do this. Hell you are already doing this Surfdog
how you doin fez? Hope all is well.
Quotes that keep me going:
"Do you have another day 1 in you?"
"If not now, when?"
“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”
Clean as of 02.03.2012
Hope ur doing ok. For me ct was like counting each minute down in the beginning week or so. U sound like ur hanging in there n I think ur making great choices: a. Coming on here for support (I know what it feels like to have to hide a relapse) n this place rocks as far as giving u the support u need. Many of us have been there n b., making the decision to go back n talk things out w ur psychologist. Ur doing everything in ur power to do things right this time n that will make all the difference in u staying sober. Keep us posted, we are all here for ya. Big hugs Hun n keep at it. Each day away will make the difference n u should feel great about u making the first scary step n each minute IS a victory off opiates.
how ARE u doing FeZ?! some ppl wanna hear from u...
Fez? Please post; there is a lot of good help here...
Hey bro. Day 4? You are over the hump, you should feel better tomorrow. It took me 8 days to detox from 2 years of heroin, it was hell, absolute hell I had to detox in jail. If you made it through days 3-4, stay strong bro and when you start feeling better you are gonna wanna go out and get high, don't. that's the hardest part of staying clean IMO.
Hey where'd ya go? I hope you r ok.
Fez? You are OK? Please don't be afraid to post; so many of us have tried to restart again; no shame in it. I am only alive because I keep going and try to do better. A lot if bad times along the ways but no one ever said this was easy. I, for one, can really say this is difficult, but there us SO MUCH HELP here...
Keep trusting in the process, and what you can do one day at a time. That is what we have: today.