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Day 3 off everything
Day 3 off everything
Very fatigued and generally anxious but other than that I am feeling better and better.
So far no rebound from the Valium but I will believe it when it doesn't happen for some time. All I want to do is keep the "clean" days going. Have gotten back to the gym and that helps. The wd from the Norco was not bad at all; I wish I had had the courage to do it a long time ago (like a year) or to have said no when it was offered.
Happy Birthday Thalia
Thank you Hopeful!
I am very happy to have made it this far, but I am so wishing I could take a pill; feeling very shaky and weak this morning. And it has just hit me what I have done by putting the "no opiates" in my records. Maybe I will be glad I did that at some point but right now this creepy feeling under the skin together with nausea is not fun. I hope I can hang in here without drinking. That is a big danger now.
But really, thanks for your post; it means more than you know. I really want to be able to keep writing here, and I hope some other people will find it in their hearts to do so too.
Thalia, will a drink make it better or worse? surfdog
Thalia, it does get better, even at 30 days I still get small physical reminders. My energy level went manic at first, but now seems to have disappeared. Really have to push myself at times, stick with the exercise, it does help. Keep up with the supplements even after you don't think you need them, I let that slide and regretted it. Be careful with the potassium though, if you don't excrete it properly (other meds/kidney problems) you can easily reach blood levels that can cause cardiac problems and even be fatal.
I think you will be glad you have cut yourself off from getting more pills, I know I told everyone who I might get any from that I quit, I could still go back to the Dr or figure out a way to contact someone. But I don't think I could look myself in the eye if I did that. I do still want to take one sometimes, but I know I don't NEED to, and I definitely don't want to ever NEED one again just to avoid wd. Making the pills less available helps, but like alcohol, they are everywhere. As addicts we have to just tell ourselves that, yes it is out there, yes we can get it, yes we will sometimes want/crave it, BUT we basically have a deadly allergy to it.
I have tried to not tell myself I CAN"T have a pill, because I know I can if I want to, and I don't want to set myself up for that "I can't have it so I want it even more". I won't take one right now though.
Remember we all want to see you succeed at this
Happy Birthday thalia. I could've written most everything Hopeful just said. And for sure we want to see you succeed!
happy birthday j
do you have sponsor? sry...can't remember if u said u did or not..and guess i'm lazy. don't wanna go through ur thread.
the reason i ask..well as u know i felt like i was coming off subs alone cuz my boyfriend didn't know. and it REALLY helped me to be able to talk to someone about it..and it allowed me to be honest with SOMEONE. just releasing the information to another, helped me feel like i wasn't a dishonest person. i was able to keep track of my truths with someone ELSE. someone who held me accountable..so that i could eventually hold MYSELF accountable.
it seems..because of ur boating trip..that u have to hide the extent of what ur going through from ur boyfriend? u can correct me if i'm wrong.but maybe that continual 'dishonesty' was making it's way into ur recovery just a bit? who WERE u being 100% honest with? perhaps the reason for the 'loss of ur truths'?
my advice..talk to your sponsor if you have one. keep talking to us! and keep going. it gets better and better.
this is ur last thread! lol you're on day 3. i'm so proud of u. and now u know that everyone is going to hold u accountable for ur actions..ur going to have to be honest. most importantly..to YOURSELF j. being an addict is exhausting.
ENJOY ur birthday! u deserve it! u get to relax now
Just wanted to wish you a very.......
Hope your day is filled with joy for you!
Thanks all for the birthday wishes, especially since I have a bit of "brain" back to remember.
Had a long talk with my bf this morning, and I am starting a new life today: honesty above all else. I told him about that 1/2 martini, and although he was devastated he was glad he knew (he already knows I had the Dr. put "no Opiates" on my records).
I am very happy Moon asked the question about my last drink. I really did have to search for the answer. My mind is shot full of holes but yes, it is getting better with every day away from Norco. I am glad I finally remembered that night of the 1/2 martini, and take some small pleasure from the fact I didn't finish it.
surfdog I do know that drinking helps nothing. Even though I have had lots of sober time (overall-not in a row) I have relapsed so often like the night I put the bf on the plane that I am scared about that. The relapses have been mostly a one night thing with a few several month periods. The only reason I have ANYTHING in my life is because of all the sober days in between, but it will be a long time before I have the confidence I had when I once put 13 years together. I lost that because of one stupid glass of champagne. Then the usual: I thought that "wasn't" so bad, didn't drink probably for a day or two, then another drink and off to the races.
Toni My sponsor now knows everything and is trotting me around this week. I have also asked someone else to do the 12 steps with me (my current sponsor suggested that).
(((((((Willow))))))) I am so glad you are still here.
About the boating trip. Without details about the bf, he has had one health issue after another for 3 years, then the death of his son...I was terrified about ruining this event for him, but I finally did the wd anyway. I guess the good thing is that no one was really paying attention to my shakiness and sweats etc; too busy drinking themselves I think.
Hopeful, I am glad you said what you said about continuing problems-I feel today like I did on about the 4th day off of Norco, but maybe people are right about benzo wd: although I have not taken Valium much at all, or on a daily basis I HAVE had that script for a long time.
Strong Desire , thanks for my simple "Happy Birthday"!
j, i'm glad everything's coming together. very cool.
Thanks Toni, I pray that it stays that way. There is a lot of work to be done.
Originally Posted by toni.s.
How are you feeling now? I have never been a drinker myself, but I have used opiates (oxy contin and >>>>>>) in the past, in fact I recently just got off both though I did have a small relapse a few days ago.
What I can say for certain is that you WILL feel better. I had been clean just over 2 months ( which might not sound like a lot, but when you have been using for 5 years is something to be proud of) amd everyday you will feel a bit better. As has been said after the first week or so the physical withdrawls wrap up but then you a lack of energy or motivation to do stuff which I found was almost worse than physical wds in a way
Anyhow dont get discouraged it will all pass in time. Keep us updated please!
Thalia - I'm soooooo glad that you turned over a new leaf?! By starting a new thread --- I want to wish you a very sincere HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Thanks to Lam and Anna.
One thing I am VERY grateful for today is that I never looked for a source for drugs from the street. Really, what you know you can do. I don't want to "know" that one. LOL! Don't need any "sources"!
An addict is an addict, just because we never shot up in an alley in a cardboard box beside the dumpster, doesn't make us better, only luckier. Street, source, Dr, Rx, none of that makes any difference...........just sayin
Well said Houston........addiction is like a virus. All it needs is a host. It could care less what environment it's in
Originally Posted by HopefulnHouston
i liked ur quotes hopeful and sundwn. so true.
Originally Posted by Sundwn
Happy bday, I've been checking your thread out n am so happy for u that ur being strong n honest. I'm currently tapering off subs which isn't a walk in the park either. But Anna couldn't of said it better, n congrats to AnnA on 2 months!!! Any time away is great news.
Originally Posted by annadoman
Getting them from friends is equivalent to "buying them off the street".
Originally Posted by HopefulnHouston
HH..I like the above post...worth repeating. Thank you.
All I meant by that is that meetings here (water world) are populated by lots of people who can't go near a boat because it is so associated with their drinking, just like mine is with a particular bar in NYC.
Thankfully I haven't "bought off the street" BIG "YET" HERE, and I don't want to add it to "dangerous people places and things". No judgement-a drug is a drug. I am just glad I haven't had that experience, YET...
Often I wonder if I hadn't associated alcohol with "good" at such a young age, if I would have gone there; doesn't matter, of course because I am clearly an addict now. For heaven's sake I wish I had never found out about the coconut donuts in this town. Saturday (my home group AA meeting for which I buy the donuts) became a big problem because I COULD NOT go in that shop without buying 6 extra-3 coconut for me and 3 chocolate for the bf. ...and because I bought so many, the saleslady started ADDING to ours! I should have been branded "no coconut donuts".
The only thing I remember my taciturn Father saying to me at college (when I had put together a "bar" of their favorite drinks), was "That's not good." Years I had tried to talk to my Father and that is what I remember. Now I know what he meant and how he suffered, and did not have the benefit of AA etc. that we have now.
I have no doubt that if I fail this time I will find a dealer, somewhere, somehow.
Thalia, I have been working on myself, my attitude and thought processes. Humility being something I feel I need to work on. I am sure you didn't mean it to, but the comment about "sources" came across to me as being condescending. I know it is hard online to sometimes get across the exact meaning behind what you are writing, face-to-face communication consisting of so much more than just the words you are saying. I was in no way trying to condemn your comment, I just felt I needed to post my gut reaction to it.
(might as well go ahead and tell you I have no idea what the donut story means, did I miss something? LOL)
Originally Posted by thalia45
BUT you have gotten meds from a "friend" Thalia (remember the Endocet..June 8 posting?).....and I agree with HH....your remark DID come across as condescending. As she said an addict is an addict. Im quite sure Robert and Artist and Cheeky and Lam and Dog would agree. If it's not prescribed FOR YOU and you have to "get it" from someone else that DOES make it illegal and every bit as "wrong" as buying off the street.
HONESTY Thalia...HONESTY. Gawd >> love to see you get clean despite all the lies and games. It would speak volumes to other users here who struggle thru wd and relapsing. I just dont see how it can happen with out a complete turn around.
Originally Posted by HopefulnHouston
uh oh.... Time to get another new thread.... Oyveh
i don't think she was being condescending. i've NEVER had a prescription. i am the addict who bought off the street, and i didn't take it offensively at all. i think we just try and justify our use. or compare ourselves to others."well, i'll never..."
and now that we're NOT using " well i never did..."
i DID..well..LOL still trying to work on that. i still have a reservation about NEVER drinking because it isn't my DOC..holidays..birthdays..my wedding...
and i'm not even engaged LOL!..that's how sick i am. but i'm just trying to stay clean for today right now..and each day that passes..and as the fog lifts..i'm realizing how much i WOULDN'T be able to handle it. everything's happening the way it's supposed to. i'm coming to my senses slooowly lol.
and i think u misinterpreted what they were saying j. you're not any 'less' of an addict because u haven't bought off the street 'yet'.
like u said: a drug is a drug.
.. just as an addict is an addict.
they just meant it doesn't matter where u got it..even if it wasn't off the street. u abused it. no matter WHERE it came from.
you're sooo right about the 'YET' part though. it's a progressive disease. only gets worse.
good thing we're getting better
June 8th, you said this: "Hi Moon. Yes, Day 4 (so far) doesn't feel so bad. The trip has been cancelled, not by me but the boat which has developed engine problems. So a lot of my apprehensions were useless. As it turned out, even in my miserable state I had to buck up and dock the thing-my first time. (I had to sit on the dock to get out, my legs just had no strength, but there is a weird satisfaction in getting it done.)"
The above was a post on your previous thread that you left to start this new one....I havent gone over these posts with a fine tooth comb, but do remember you stating that your boating trip had been canceled.
Then on this thread you state THIS comment :
"About the boating trip. Without details about the bf, he has had one health issue after another for 3 years, then the death of his son...I was terrified about ruining this event for him, but I finally did the wd anyway. I guess the good thing is that no one was really paying attention to my shakiness and sweats etc; too busy drinking themselves I think."
Sounds like you were there? I dont know, i'm just saying, I'm getting de ja vu here. And honestly, not to be rude, really I dont want this to sound rude, because I'm 45 and had been using pills , lying my BUTT off to get them anyway I could. I ruined everything. I feel weird speaking to you like this because you're older than me and i was always taught to "respect your elders", and i'm not saying your old, lol. I swear, I just dont want to be disrespectful. I think you repeat yourself too much. And you arent consistant. And I can tell that you're trying and just want to talk to someone to get it all out.
For instance...the whole " I only had 1/2 a drink " thing. Even if you had a sip, its a relapse, and it is what it is. Most of us have had that happen to us. But thats like me saying, well, I was weak, and cut a vic in half and ate it. Thank GOD I didnt eat the other half. wha?? Its little things like that. just say I drank. I didnt go on a bender, but I messed up. We are all different, but all in the same boat basically...speaking of boats, did you and you're bf/hubby go on the trip or was it canceled? Either way, it doesnt matter to me, but its like the boy who cried wolf....eventually nothing you say is going to ring true when you really need someone to be there ya know?
Have a Happy Birthday.
"YET" -- "FIND A DEALER SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW"
That's just setting yourself up for failure!!!
I guess I'll trrrrrry to stop taking pills and drinking?? -- but I failed - oh well?! I'll try again some other time!
I'll go get some donuts!
Oh yeah - the other day I was riding my Harley and I passed by a park and people were having picnics and fishing?! Some people had baskets and others had buckets of chicken -- and the people on the boat caught a great big fish! It's been 43 days since I last took a pill and I feel great!!!! Oh my word it was silver and flopping all around!! Then I told my gf actually I think I married her?! I really dont remember?! I know I'm doing better because I've got the fight back in me :-) That one day I would catch a big fish too -- then we rode off into the sunset! She on her bike and me on mine - because my bike is much to big for her!!
I'm sweating really bad today --- I guess it's because it's in the mid 90s.
Sarcastically --- Lam
Just that i am expecting those silly donuts every Saturday like any other addiction! Had to put a "ban" with the donut people as well! They know I come every Saturday at 6:45 and have those extra donuts ready. Habits of any kind become obsessions with me.... However about those donuts: they dry their own home grown potatoes, grind it into flour, use fresh young coconuts...omigod! Impossible to resist. My studio is having a b-day party for me tomorrow - I betcha there will be donuts!
Originally Posted by HopefulnHouston
Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm I love me some donuts.... ..
At least we are not in the mid 90s...not that I wouldn't like to get there LOL!!
Originally Posted by Lam34fus51
Many hugs to you, Jana/Sue/Thalia