[vduda]

For better or worse I am back. Moment of weakness. Here to help and receive help. God Bless all of us.

VJ

[inhalexxhale]

What...? No way! Dude, you're like, the surviving force!


Either way, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't well. Not sure if I've responded directly to your posts before.

...I haven't been able to beat it at all. Stimulants have really fu*ked up my brain. Don't know how to say "no" now.

[vduda]

Hey inhale,

Today the clouds are clearing and feel a lot better. I stood strong and did not use the night before. God gave me the strength to turn away. If I relied on my own strength I would of failed. But it goes to show how strong these drugs really are. Like I said in the past I will not go back to taking the opiates. I think you may of misunderstand. This thread has to do with me coming back to the forum, not going back to using. I was ready to quit participating on this forum, but this keeps me focused. It allows me help others that suffer from the affliction of addiction. We are all in this together. God Bless.

[inhalexxhale]

That's good... ha, I guess that I wasn't aware that you had left. I feel like a dumbass (was a bit inebriated durring that last post).

It makes perfect sense to me that it's hard to rely on only internal strength. I really need something to pull me away.. otherwise I just think... fu*k it. Drugs are my way of dealing with myself.


A lot of aspects of humanity make me angry. There are some people who are unaffected by the world and are alright with conforming to the selfish ideals that we- as a society- are fed. Then there are some people, like me, who are deeply affected by the insanity of the sane world.. and feel helpless and angry because they have no power to change it.

Maybe that was hard to read. Drugs are my ability to stay sane or happy in a majority of selfish, money-hungry, raging idiots.
...Which is why I need either love or a hobby.

[vduda]

I hear you inhale. Being an artist I'm also very sensitive to the insanities of this world. It is such a dog eat dog cluster f@#K. So many people seem to be oblivious to what is going on around them. If I am to be completely honest I have done one form of drug since I was 11 years old. Done it all. The opiates really grabbed me because it made me numb to the craziness. For just a moment I could escape the unbearable emotional and physical pain. But when I was younger I found the teachings of Jesus Christ. The book of John in the New Testament changed my life. It gave me hope for mankind. I started to view people as children of God specially created for a beautiful purpose. However, as time went on it seemed that evil always won out in this world. Love set me free from the chains of this decaying world. We are all part of that monstrous compose pile of rotting flesh. God showed me that there was something that transcended this mundane plain. Love lives on...and on..and on. Eternal and wondrous nothingness and emptiness. Not wanting anything...not craving material possessions, but rather reaching up to touch the divine. God lives in us and that gives me hope to carry on. Eventhough I was a junkie for so long God never left my side and showed me the beauty in this world. I am so lucky to have a wonderful, intelligent daughter. A mother who loves me no matter what. And some really good friends. In so many ways my girlfriend and I are the same person. She is "Mee" and I am "V". At one time I was vain and thought I had all the answers. After going through what I have gone through and seeing what I have seen I am humbled. Jesus said in order to be first you have to be last. The meek shall inherit the earth. Those who laugh now will cry later. No greater love can one have than to lay his life down for his brothers and sisters. I died 3 times and saw things not meant for human eyes. Horrible and awe inspiring sights. There is so much more than what is in front of your eyes. Look with spiritual eyes and listen with spiritual ears. The divine will present itself in shades of blue light and glistening shards of eternal kisses. Shot four times (shot point blank in the chest, twice in the abdomen and once in the arm), poisoned by TCH, near fatal auto accidents, severe sport injuries were all blessings, eventhough at the time I thought they were curses. I was being given a marvelous gift and I almost missed it. The suffering I have gone through in battling my addiction has turned me into a compassionate being able to forgive and love. For he who sinned much can love that much more. Truly, I have a calling to my brother and sister junkies for a lack of a better term. Never thought I would make it this far, but God sustained me when I was in that cold desert surrounded by the enemy. We have hope, faith and love...but the greatest of these is love. Love all of you. One day you will be delivered from this burden that you have carried so long. You will rest in Gods arms. Drink from the eternal spring of life. And I will drink with you. God Bless

[djisnoone]

Vduda & Inhale, I hear ya! Looking back at the last 3 years or so, it was so easy to fall into the addiction, and worse, the ease and availability to continue to do so through the "system". That's what my Mom talked to me about last night. That she's very upset at how the new white collar addiction, is prescription meds. I would have bet a few paychecks that I would have never fallen into this black hole....guess I was totally WRONG! Now here I am, years later, the addiction taking over my life. I used to go to church, be a family man with a beautiful, understanding wife and children, only to wait for the next 'high'. I'm so embarrassed and I know my wife is. She doesn't know what do to for me. So I took it upon myself to reach out and first, admit I have an addiction. Secondly, talk to my family and friends about it (boy, was that TOUGH!) and now, seeking out professional help to overcome it. I just don't want to continue this evil cycle, its just not doing me or my family any good. I feel helpless and that I don't have the gonads to get through this but getting on messageboards like this one, had really opened my eyes to many things. Like there are so many suffering from the same issue I am, that there is hope, that we are all trying to get by, albeit, one day at a time and that hopefully, we overcome it. I now know that the biggest thing is that I've shelved my Savior for a little amber bottle with a white cap. And that we cannot serve two masters and that I'm tired of serving the wrong one. I'm praying now, having people pray for me, reading my bible (that I haven't picked up for over 6 months due to my shame), going back to church and seeking out professional help. Thank you for your post, it really does help. Good luck and prayers out to you both.

[inhalexxhale]

dj,
Admitting my addiction has proved to be impossible for my head. My medicine is prescribed to me.. and my parents were told that I should be taking it daily.
In other words, I've been dropping hints to my parents for a really long time, but they don't believe me.

I'm actually sober right now. Had to take a break for a couple of days to stop my mind from exploding (and lessen my tolerance). I went to sleep on Friday and just woke up today (apparaently Sunday).
I feel like I just got hit by a train and my motivation is completely spent.. Hahaha.


In reply to Vduba,
Thank you for being one of very few people who will likely ever understand my small rant about humanity. That really amazes me.

I'm creative, although I haven't made much in a while. Guess that I made that decision to lose myself years ago.. and haven't thought about regaining anything since.


Because I'm sober, I'm experiencing a real mind- struggle right now. Not between being high or sober, but between having the motivation that I need to complete things or going back to sleep.
... What the fu*k.

[vduda]

DJ and Inhale, (I know this is lengthy, put please read it)

You know this scurge on humanity known as the pharmaceutical industry is so subtle that it deceives the best of us. Not to say, that great advances have been made with medication to help individuals with certain conditions. But there really seems to be an insidious plan underneath the surface to addict the general population to all these different meds. There is a pill for everything. Your sad...take this one; your happy...take this one...your confused...take this one. However, I have to take responsibility for allowing myself to be dragged into the unending evil cycle of addiction. You have taken some really important, courageous steps toward recovery. Admitting you have a problem is probably one of the hardest steps to take. Telling your family and loved ones that your a junkie is gut wrenching. But you know I found out who really loved me in my darkest hours. I haven't spoken to my sister, who I love greately, in over a year because she kicked me down when I was at my lowest point in detox. Getting professional help is also crucial in recovery. Build a great support group around you. If it wasn't for my support group I would have definitely gone back to using. It was my birthday this past Wednesday on of course I had to go out and party. My girlfriend who lives with me is also a recovering addict. We were doing so well and suddenly we found ourselves drinking and partying all night and coming out of the clubs into the blinding morning sun. I have been in a fight the last 4 weekends. All have been in self defense. Of course, alcohol was involved in all these cases. And I am a Christian man, but I have not been walking in Jeus' footsteps. I look in the mirror sometimes and I wonder what happened. The first fight some guy hit me from behind in the ear outside of a local pub. I am a 5th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do (traditioanl and American) and a purple belt in Brasilian JIU Jit Jstu. Fought PK 12 years and MMA for 4 years. When this guy hit me (around 6ft 3in and 230 lbs) I did a step in and jammed my head under his chin and did a walk over. I am 190 lbs and with all that weight he hit his head on the concrete fracturing the occipital area of his skull. I had him in a mount and did not realize he was unconscious and did an arm bar breaking both the ulna and radial bone in his right arm. Thank God I had three witnesses or I would have been screwed. He was in ICU for 7 days and to my amazement the Sheriff asked if i wanted to press charges. It's weird how God protects his children even when we screw up. I did try to walk away from the fight, so I guess I had the best intentions. He signed a realease saying he would not sue me after he came out of his 3 day coma and I dropped the charges. The two next fights was because of my girlfriend. Sorry I am giving so many details, but I have to get this off of my chest. Again, both in a bar. My girl and I shoot pool and sometimes we hustle to make some extra money. There were these 5 college prep kids in there early 20's feeling bigger than the world. My girl and I schooled them and they started making inappropriate comments. "Mee" my girlfriend is a fireball herself and said, "How would you like me to knock your porcelin teeth out with this pool stick". I chuckled. That game I tried to bet them $200.00 but I guess they knew they were being hustled. I ran the table out putting six balls in and setting up my girl. One of the guys tried to block her out, so she positioned me for the win. I had to put my ball in and his to open the pocket for the eight ball and then leave myself a shot. I did just that (it was beautiful). As I went to shoot an easy shot on the eight the guy behind me started talking smack. I ignored him, but he kept on. So I turned around and confronted him (I was already pissed because of the crp they were saying to my girl). I through the pool stick at his face it bounced off and I caught it. It was 5 against 1. But again Jesus had my back along with my girlfriend. One of the guys said you don't want to do this. He was right because I would of probably of gone to jail. The dude wimped out along with his friends and my girl pulled me out of the bar. Again, God gave me a way out. Third fight, I was at my friends bar. We had been drinking again and were pretty buzzed. We went to play cricket (darts) with a group of friends and other people we didn't know. My girl and I were killing the other teams and guess egos were hurt (isn't that rediculous). I went to the bathroom and when I got back some guy was screaming in my my girl's face calling her a whore and other unsavory names. I stepped in between and said what's going on? She said they were making sexual comments to her (she's a very beautiful girl and she does not take crp from anyone). She had thrown a dart at the guy's face (plastic tip). This dude who again outweighed me by at least 40 lbs started to go at her, so I picked him up and through him over the bar, put my foot on his neck and was about to go to town when my buddy Frank, who owns the bar and 6 other guys jumped on me and pulled me off. As they were pulling me out of the bar one of his thug wanna be friends said some comment to me so I kicked him over a chair. The manager came running in between us and said she was going to call the cops, but my friend disarmed the situation. Again, God saved me. I am a professional and if get arrested for fighting I could loose my job. The fouth incident happened this Friday, but I tried to break up a fight. Some guy sucker punched another dude in the eye and split him open. My girlfriend grabbed the stick out of the guy's hand who hit the one dude and he pushed her so I reacted. I came across the pool table and flipped him to the ground and then I grabbed the other dude who got hit to keep them from fighting. The guy who hit the first guy came of the ground and came at me and I nailed him with a right hook behind the ear and jaw knocking him out as he fell into the ATM machine. Then the bouncers showed up. A little late. After a few minutes the guy came to and they started fighting again. My girl pulled me to the side and I let the bouncers handle it. I had blood all over, especially on my brand new calvin klein shirt I had just bought. It wasn't my blood and with all diseases it's scarry. So I washed the blood off of my armes and hands and changed. Kept drinking and went to the bottle club and partied the rest of the night. I was offered opiates, along with other substances, but again God gave me the strength to resist. Saturday Mee and I went out again to our hangout and got drunk. She really got messed up. Had to carry her into the house. Hold her hair as she puked. Showerd her off and put her to bed. That night I came to a realization. The junkie was back and raging. Just because I wasn't booting Dilaudid and Hydromorphine, snorting oxys, popping Demerol, Methadone, morphine or sucking on Fentanyl lollipops I was still using. I just replaced it with alcohol and adrenaline. It had been sometime since I felt physically well and my testosterone has been soaring. MY girlfriend who just turned 29 and looks like Urma Thurman (she looks just like Urma, body and all). That night I looked in the mirror and felt utter shame. A 41 year old man acting like an idiot. Not to mention, I had not been acting as a Christian man. I'm no badass who wants to hurt people. I want to help free people, so I can be free. And if Jesus set you free...you shall be free indeed. To break the addiction you really have to change your entire life. I had gone right back to the environment that lead me to become a junkie. What an Epiphany. God touched my heart and opened my eyes. Going through Detox had made me so humble and now this vain person was emerging. Yesterday, my girl and I decided to change our lives. No more bars. No more drinking. Instead, we are going out to civil places. We're going to start working out again. Changing over to a vegetarian diet (I was a Vegan for 12 yrs). And most importantly, we are going to make God the center of our lives. I've been going to a church based meeting for recovering addicts, couselor once a week, psychiatrist once a month and this forum. But if I don't apply the things I learn from this support system and I am going to end up right back on that deadly track. Talking about tracks my track marks are all healed along with body. Mee is also going to start counseling. And we pray together and are going to start reading scripture together. And church at least once a week for the fellowship. I am going to pour my energy into my music and writing and Mee is going to get back into writing poetry. When we are sober we get along so well and love and support each other, but when we party there is such a huge distance between us. I guess the same can be said between me and God. But it is not God who is turning away, it is me. In, short I am ashamed of my actions the last month. I am so thankful we have such an awesome, merciful, patient and loving God. Love covers all trangressions. I pray we will all be overcomers. Inhale I know how hard it is, but like I said befor I pray for you always. I feel you desperation. I am here for you and so is God. Touch the divine. I have been off the opiates for 6 and half months. Praise God. God Bless all of us.

[inhalexxhale]

I'll try to keep this short, though there is a lot that I would like to reply to:

Originally Posted by vduda

You know this scurge on humanity known as the pharmaceutical industry is so subtle that it deceives the best of us. Not to say, that great advances have been made with medication to help individuals with certain conditions. But there really seems to be an insidious plan underneath the surface to addict the general population to all these different meds. There is a pill for everything. Your sad...take this one; your happy...take this one...your confused...take this one. However, I have to take responsibility for allowing myself to be dragged into the unending evil cycle of addiction.

What you mentioned here about medication absolutely enthralls me.. and amazes me more because I haven't expressed my opinions on the subject beyond vague writing. I agree with you completely.

In order to create a perfect world (society, government, ect.), there has to be a way to sustain people who aren't happy with the way that things are.
On one spectrum (I mentioned this before), are people who are fine with things. My mind simply refers to these people as being idiots... they are perfectly fine with doing as they are told and consuming media and reports without questioning ANYTHING.
The other spectrum are "depressed" and/or angry because something just isn't right. Were these people to bond and channel their anger constructively, the world would be in a state of anarchy.

To the simple- minded fool, chaos is disturbing and impolite. Because this majority of idiots cannot deal with people simply living the way that they would like to live (These people need STRUCTURE. Without it they would be confused and meaningless.) ... The world has found a way to suppress the diseased ("dis- eased" in your words) population to avoid All Hell breaking loose.

This question was asked: How do you conform a human brain in order to make that human normal?

All answers are indebted to the Pharmacy.



In response to the rest of your post,
It is very good that you have someone positive in your life who- even when things are falling- is willing to change her lifestyle to better both you and her in the long run.
It's hard to completely change lifestyles... although very necessary. Not sure if I've mentioned before, but I'm eighteen and I'm a senior in High School (Hopefully that doesn't deplete everything that I have just said.. I think more than a lot of people do). High School is a pretty sh*tty environment for anyone who isn't seeking drugs, sex, or vanity. Just today, one of my friends pulled his weed baggie out of his pocket today to show me and offered to smoke it with me (for free) tomorrow before school.
Of course this isn't a huge issue for me because I still have a problem that I'm not yet willing to let go of... but seriously.


It's good to hear that you're doing better now. It's hard for me to let go of "speed," knowing that I'll be left with myself and the same issues that got me to where I am now.

Life's a b*tch, but I won't let it kill me.

[vduda]

Man that sounds crazy. Never really liked that speed high, but opiates is a different story. But I know if I go back to that I am a dead. That is a lot of weight to lose. Just curious, are you male or female. Do you you use that med to also help you lose weight? Is it a body image deal. I am just trying to understand the dynamic of your use. For me it was a process of numbing myself from all the screwed up things in my life. Now things are starting to look up for me. I am feeling healthy again, after my docs realized that my body could not adjust without benzos. I take a small medicinal dose. Many times I forget my dose and I go into seizures. It really freaks my girlfriend out. Plus it is really screwing me up when I do that. So I have decided to take it as prescribed. I wish I could do something to help you. I really want to help. Let me know if I can do anything for you. We'll talk later. It's been a long day and I want to spend time with my girl. God Bless.