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Could not sleep needed to vent, Sub & Dr questions, any words of wisdom appreciated!
  1. #271
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    time for an update

  2. #272
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by toni.s. View Post
    time for an update
    Hey Toni! Thanks for reaching out. I'll update more later but today isn't a good day - We had to put down one of my German Shepherds last night so I really am in a more than blah mood. She was only 10 years old. She stopped eatting a few days ago so we took her to the vet thinking, I don't know... upset stomach?? She had an infection that was shutting down both of her kidneys, beyond repair. I feel like ???? today - there were no signs - she was fine up until a few days ago - I am at that mindset "had I known"..... I didn't. The vet was nice-+ saying there was nothing I could do - but still not a good day.
    We have (had) two Shepherds - we got them the same day (couldn't pick out one so we got two...) the other one is so restless, antsy, depressed, keeps waiting for her to come back...
    Anyway - not a great day today - i'll update more another time...
    On a bright note - in 6 days, it will be 2 months for me - what is that like 5 years in "dee time", toni! lol
    xoxo
    Dee

  3. #273
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Oh, Dee :-(
    That breaks my heart. Wow..
    I'm so sorry for your loss. This can't be easy at all.
    So sorry..
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  4. #274
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    dee.
    i'm so sorry.
    glad to hear from u though..
    i really just don't know how to console you..
    never had a dog always wanted one though..
    but i can't imagine how it would feel.
    you're in my prayers.
    and if u feel like talking about it? i'm here.
    congrats on the 2 months..
    and lol ..yeah..about 5 years dee time! had me rolling.
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  5. #275
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Winged & Toni, Thanks for your posts - Yeah it is still heartbreaking. Animals (especially dogs, in my opinion) really are part of your family. I do know we did the right thing though, she wasn't going to get better, no matter what we did. I am keeping my other dog very busy - long walks, extra treats, taking him to petsmart and letting him pick out any toy he wants... My brother is visiting in 1 week - we always rent a secluded log cabin in the middle of nowhere. (always pet friendly)

    As far as relapsing - It will be two months in 3 days. I've thought about it a hundred times. But I know I can never go there again. Too much to lose not to mention I would be a selfish & horrible mother spending money on that ???? ever again. I have children as well as grandchildren on the way - they are more important to me than any drug in the world!
    xoxo
    Dee
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  6. #276
    Sunny mom is offline Member
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    Dee, I'm so sorry, I know how heartbreaking it is. My dog was 10 1/2, same thing, kidney failure, same symptoms, nothing they could do. I'm happy you have your other dog to comfort you (and glad he has you to comfort him)...my heart really goes out to you, cherish all the memories you have of her.
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  7. #277
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LovesAnimals View Post
    Winged & Toni, Thanks for your posts - Yeah it is still heartbreaking. Animals (especially dogs, in my opinion) really are part of your family. I do know we did the right thing though, she wasn't going to get better, no matter what we did. I am keeping my other dog very busy - long walks, extra treats, taking him to petsmart and letting him pick out any toy he wants... My brother is visiting in 1 week - we always rent a secluded log cabin in the middle of nowhere. (always pet friendly)

    As far as relapsing - It will be two months in 3 days. I've thought about it a hundred times. But I know I can never go there again. Too much to lose not to mention I would be a selfish & horrible mother spending money on that ???? ever again. I have children as well as grandchildren on the way - they are more important to me than any drug in the world!
    xoxo
    Dee
    dee,
    you're awesome..

  8. #278
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Dee congrats early on 2 months big milestone! Sorry about the pup, I know how that feels, think more on my dog than a lot of people Dog
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  9. #279
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Thanks SunnyMom, I am sorry to hear about your dog as well... I did and will always cherish the times we had with her
    Toni - thanks for your response! I would hit the like button but then I would feel egotistical. lol
    I Loved Wings post about people on here. Typically I am not a trusting person. There are always going to be a few crazies on this forum.. but for the most part, I appreciate so many on here - I don't know what I would do without you guys!
    xoxo
    Dee
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  10. #280
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post
    Dee congrats early on 2 months big milestone! Sorry about the pup, I know how that feels, think more on my dog than a lot of people Dog

    Thanks Dog Always love hearing from ya!
    xoxo
    Dee

  11. #281
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    oh lord dee,
    been off the forum for a bit.
    Sooo sorry about your pup!
    Vet told me to keep the others busy, walking. sounds like you have that in hand.
    still so very sorry.
    congrats on your clean time!
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  12. #282
    Anonymous Guest

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    Bump......
    Thought this was the easiest way to check on Dee, Sunnymom, Toni and Dog lover.......
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  13. #283
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadowwally View Post
    Bump......
    Thought this was the easiest way to check on Dee, Sunnymom, Toni and Dog lover.......
    Aww thanks Marian, I am actually doing pretty good. As I mentioned before, we adopted another German Shepherd. She is 5 years old and absolutely one of the best dogs I've ever had!

    Congrats on your two years! I am going on 5 months. For the most part I don't even give oxy's a passing thought - the good in my life far outweighs that ball and chain. I went to the Florida Keys (family) a few weeks ago and it was the first time I didn't have to worry about having pills, having enough pills, running out of pills, (which I typically did) it was a great feeling! The peace of mind alone is worth it. Not to mention lies, deception, lack of money.... you get the idea! When I have the "just one" thought (and let's face it, I think many have that silly just one thought) it passes pretty quick - OR - I just go shopping and say to myself, I CAN afford to buy something for the house or myself or my daughter, cause I am NOT wasting money on drugs (which obviouosly there is nothing to show with drugs - EXCEPT lies, addiction, poor health & not really being there for the people you love)
    Speaking of people you love..... I am going to be a grandmother for the first time to identical twin boys - either the end of this month or the begining of next month. There really is a lot in my life to be greatful for! And that also brings me to my thought process - obviously like many, we ALL have ???? in our life. I could always find a "good reason" to use again - life will always throw a curve ball.. that's life! BUT I have learned to just pick myself back up and think about everything I have instead of things I don't!
    I can not express how greatful I am to this site! Cause I really had no one I could tell & the support from people who have been there/done that helped me out when I needed it the most - Soooooo I am and always be greatful!
    Thanks and hugs xoxo
    Dee
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  14. #284
    Anonymous Guest

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    Hey Dee..............
    oh lord....here we go again huh?

  15. #285
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadowwally View Post
    Hey Dee..............
    oh lord....here we go again huh?
    It sure seems that way! I typed and backspaced sooo many times because I didn't want to come off sounding like too much of a jerk!
    Trust me I had a lot more typed but it's a fine line, yanno?
    I did want to say PS - if your last dosage was in October you really only have 2 1/2 months clean NOT 5 but... lol
    I really could have ripped apart every paragraph (and I am really a nice person! lol) but I didn't think it was fair to do that on anothers thread!

  16. #286
    Anonymous Guest

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    yea,
    i hear ya.
    my mind is still spinning.
    wish we could check out the ip addy again. mods probly will.
    i keep telling myself.....do. not. engage.
    What's the dog's name? How lucky he (?) is to have a home with you!
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  17. #287
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    I am going to TRY to take your lead and .....do not engage!
    Our dogs name is Misha. She came with the name and knows it so we didn't change it. Yeah she is lucky to be here . I already took her to the florida keys, drove. She loves to play (especially throwing a ball in the ocean!) But we are twice as lucky to have her! We really did luck out. She is beautiful, loving and loyal & I can't believe she would have been put down if she wasn't rescued.
    Thanks for asking!

  18. #288
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Going to bed Marian - it's always great talking to you. Actually we just got a new bed today - a nice one for a change! All the money I saved not spending on drugs has allowed me to buy things we couldn't afford in the past!
    hugs xoxo

  19. #289
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    well i ended up with a kitten from my daughter's farm.
    he is spoiled and rotten and awful and i love him to death!
    His name is Inky...an orange tabby.
    I could have a small dog here, but i already have my two in Atchison and i'm a big dog person anyway.
    Inky does make it so i am never bored for sure
    DO. NOT. ENGAGE.
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  20. #290
    SoSickOfitALL is offline New Member
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    Hi all! I'm currently tapering off of SUB right now. Used most opiates out there, prescribed and then off the street when I ran out. I started out LATE in life with drugs... at 26! I'm now 31. I was having issues with relapsing and I acquired SUBS from a street source ( I read they help with w/d AND control cravings) I wanted BOTH. I have been taking subs for about a year now... just sporadic dosing some days more mgs than others depending on my cravings. Started at .5mg, pretty much stayed between that and 1mg never higher per day. Always got the relief I need. I am finally ready to be off. I've been tapering for about 3 weeks from 1 mg, now I am down to about .375mg comfortably.. BUT when I try to take ANY less, it's like the anxiety creeps up RIGHT AWAY! i'll take .125 mg before work, by 1pm I'm jonesing ( is this real or in my head?) who knows. I fell on my tailbone last week and ended up in the ER... 20 5/325 perks coming right up! wanna hear how many I have left? .... 20!, I have absolutely NO interest in opiates anymore. HERE IS MY PROBLEM. I only have 12mg TOTAL left, my source is... well... let's just say he isn't coming around anymore. I'm totally fine with it. I feel that I was dosing so low that I should be able to attempt to continue the taper with only the 12 mg. NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. as i explained before I have ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO desire to go back to opiates, at all EVEr again for fun, pain anything, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT I just started a new job... was unemployed for 2 years! It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through w/d. If I take the perks JUST when I feel like I could DIE and can't go to work... like 10mg per day TOTAL... and i'm NOT going to get into a cycle b/c I have NO contacts at all with anyone I used to get from and NO doctor that I see would give them to me EVER, Can I take them and NOT set myself back as far as SYMPTOMS once I take the jump off subs? I've been researching this for a couple of days and noone ACTUALLY answers this question. They all say NO b/c you're going to go back to the pills... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN... I'm trying to have a baby. I need a year clean before I will even attempt to start putting a life in here.I'M SERIOUS. Please I didn't even start being a JERK with pills until 26. I think it just started from some stupid depression that I had at the time and I was self medicating. I'm fine now. SOME HONEST WHOLESOME REALISTIC ADVICE would help. I CANNOT LOSE THIS JOB, I CANNOT take more than a weekend for the worst of it. HELP PLEASE? I read these forums, you guys KNOW what you're talking about
    Sincerely, SO SICK OF IT ALL

  21. #291
    Anonymous Guest

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    So sick....
    i can't answer that question b/c i think you are asking the wrong people.
    Most of us here are addicts. I am.
    So for us what you are wanting to do is not possible.
    Maybe a doctor would be better at answering that question.

  22. #292
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SoSickOfitALL View Post
    Hi all! I'm currently tapering off of SUB right now. Used most opiates out there, prescribed and then off the street when I ran out. I started out LATE in life with drugs... at 26! I'm now 31. I was having issues with relapsing and I acquired SUBS from a street source ( I read they help with w/d AND control cravings) I wanted BOTH. I have been taking subs for about a year now... just sporadic dosing some days more mgs than others depending on my cravings. Started at .5mg, pretty much stayed between that and 1mg never higher per day. Always got the relief I need. I am finally ready to be off. I've been tapering for about 3 weeks from 1 mg, now I am down to about .375mg comfortably.. BUT when I try to take ANY less, it's like the anxiety creeps up RIGHT AWAY! i'll take .125 mg before work, by 1pm I'm jonesing ( is this real or in my head?) who knows. I fell on my tailbone last week and ended up in the ER... 20 5/325 perks coming right up! wanna hear how many I have left? .... 20!, I have absolutely NO interest in opiates anymore. HERE IS MY PROBLEM. I only have 12mg TOTAL left, my source is... well... let's just say he isn't coming around anymore. I'm totally fine with it. I feel that I was dosing so low that I should be able to attempt to continue the taper with only the 12 mg. NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. as i explained before I have ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO desire to go back to opiates, at all EVEr again for fun, pain anything, BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT I just started a new job... was unemployed for 2 years! It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through w/d. If I take the perks JUST when I feel like I could DIE and can't go to work... like 10mg per day TOTAL... and i'm NOT going to get into a cycle b/c I have NO contacts at all with anyone I used to get from and NO doctor that I see would give them to me EVER, Can I take them and NOT set myself back as far as SYMPTOMS once I take the jump off subs? I've been researching this for a couple of days and noone ACTUALLY answers this question. They all say NO b/c you're going to go back to the pills... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN... I'm trying to have a baby. I need a year clean before I will even attempt to start putting a life in here.I'M SERIOUS. Please I didn't even start being a JERK with pills until 26. I think it just started from some stupid depression that I had at the time and I was self medicating. I'm fine now. SOME HONEST WHOLESOME REALISTIC ADVICE would help. I CANNOT LOSE THIS JOB, I CANNOT take more than a weekend for the worst of it. HELP PLEASE? I read these forums, you guys KNOW what you're talking about
    Sincerely, SO SICK OF IT ALL
    Like shadow said, this isn't something we would advise here.
    We're all addicts, and those of us in recovery know that we couldn't use the exact same substance that got us into trouble to get us out of it.
    However, I have seen it done. Most relapsed. A very few did make it through.
    But here's my question to you, Sickofitall:
    Why would you even need to?
    I've done the taper and skip and jump twice and never had to miss a single day at work.
    Walk in the park? No.
    But very do-able, and there were plenty of good moments, actually.
    Why risk a relatively pain-free way out of this with a very real possibility of relapse?
    I know you say you're done, no more opiates.
    Had you seen what kind of mindset I was in three years ago, you'd have also agreed I would never touch something like that again.
    Well I did. And hello, relapse.
    Yes, you might very well be one of the few.
    But I think it's unnecessary, and overkill.
    Do the taper, see how it feels.
    You won't need more than over the counter stuff to help you through.

    Anyway, just my opinion on the matter. I have a feeling you already know what you want to do and are seeking approval, not alternative methods :-)
    I could be wrong though, so let us know and I'll gladly eat my own words :-D
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  23. #293
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    And a quick hello to Dee!
    Miss you, glad to see you're reading. Hop on and let us know how things are going, ok?
    Hugs!

  24. #294
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Hey Winged! I just past the 6 month date with no subs, yeaaah me! lol I think I've said it before but I'll say it again. I was so sorry when you came back to this website due to relapse but I am so gland you came back! You as well as a handful of others (you know who you are!) are such a huge asset to this site and I really appreciate each and every one of you guys.
    To say I haven't thought about that the "just one" concept would be a lie but I've always played that tape all the way through and I am so glad I've listened to my common sense side.
    A few weeks ago I became a grandmother to two identical twin boys! Although everyone is doing well now, my daughter did have huge complications that entailed an emergency c-section in the middle of the night and my youngest grandson having to be helicoptered to a hospital about 70 miles away. It was a very close call though and you know, there is NO WAY I would have been able to put what is important to me (my family) first if I were still doing drugs. What a reality check that was! Some days I travel 5 hrs a day to pick up my daughter in NJ and take her to PA to be with her son. Other days I just spend the day in PA with him myself. I don't have to worry about stupid pills and I spend all of my energy where I need to.
    Sooooo anyway, I am rambling. But life is a million times better without drugs and I really do thank you all for your continued support. Words can't express how much you all have given me, which in turn... I am able to give to my family.
    Oh and spending money on baby stuff sure beats spending it on a little blue pill that would eventually kill me!
    Hugs xoxo
    Dee
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  25. #295
    Anonymous Guest

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    Good grief Dee!
    More info please?
    Baby home yet?
    I remember when you found out about the twins.....
    Seems like yesterday but also a lifetime ago...
    Congrats on being a grandma....off subs...dealing with life!
    Marian
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  26. #296
    dago77 is offline Senior Member
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    Spend as much time as you can loving up those twins, dee!

    I hope you have all of your energy back now..... You're gonna need it =]

    Ryan
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  27. #297
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadowwally View Post
    Good grief Dee!
    More info please?
    Baby home yet?
    I remember when you found out about the twins.....
    Seems like yesterday but also a lifetime ago...
    Congrats on being a grandma....off subs...dealing with life!
    Marian
    Hey Marian! We are not really sure when this happened or even how it happened but my daughter felt like something was not right (and she had a little spotting.. sorry if that's tmi for anyone!) Long story short, there were issues with one of her boys not getting enough blood flow (oxygen) thru his umbilical cord. Unfortunately, the poor little guy had a stroke. She thinks the stroke happened the day she had her babies but when he was born he was in really bad shape. He needed blood transfusions and was airlifted to an awesome hospital in Philly (childrens hospital). He is improving every day, seems very alert, makes eye contact, and his motor skills are what they should be for his age ( 2 1/2 weeks). We hope he will be home sometime next week. It's been really hard, especially for my daughter, but we are staying positive and feel very blessed.

    It certainly does feel like yesterday when I found out I was going to be a grandmother, boy does the time fly! And like I said before, I can't even imagine being able to be there the way any parent or grandparent should be if I were still using. Thanks Marian!
    Hugs xoxo
    Dee

  28. #298
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by dago77 View Post
    Spend as much time as you can loving up those twins, dee!

    I hope you have all of your energy back now..... You're gonna need it =]

    Ryan

    Thanks Ryan! I plan on spending much of my energy on those boys! The amount of energy you save on.... how many pills do I have left, will I make it until friday, do I have enough money...all the lies... you know the drill! I have more physical and mental energy than I've had in a long time!
    Thanks again!
    Dee
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  29. #299
    dago77 is offline Senior Member
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    Twins are a true blessing from god, Dee! You and your family are very lucky.

    If you don't mind me asking....how long did your daughter carry them....and how much did they weigh?

    It pretty crazy when you have two baby's that look just like each other...and act totally different. They do love each other though. They have a special bond and a way of communicating even as baby's.

    They are a lot of work though, omg! When they don't nap, forget it!

    Lol just rest for now.

    Ryan

  30. #300
    LovesAnimals is offline Member
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    The babies were born about 5 1/2 weeks early. The older one (older by 1 minute lol) got to go home after 4 days; he weighed exactly 6 lbs. His "younger" brother weighed 5 lbs 11 oz.
    She took the older one to see his brother in the hospital (only twice for obvious reasons). The older one was actually touching his younger brothers arm, it was beyond adorable.
    And I do feel very blessed Ryan, thanks.

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