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Coming off opiates and aggression
  1. #1
    vduda is offline Member
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    Default Coming off opiates and aggression

    Hopefully, someone can give me insight into what is going on with me. I have been off of opiates for 6 and half months and it is seems I am becoming very aggressive. My blood work shows that my testosterone has increased to very high levels. I'm sure this has something to with my feelings of anger. But I have always had high testosterone and after my teens I was able to control my aggression well. Recently, I just have this rage inside of me. I am a Christian man and I try to apply the teachings of Christ to my life and many times it helps. I am a 5th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do (traditional and american); purple belt in Brasilian Jiu Jit Jstu; black belt in Mu Thai and trained in many other types of martial arts like Jhoon Rhee style. I fought PK for 12 years and MMA for 4 years when I was younger. In the last month I have gotten into 4 fights injuring one dude so bad that I fractured his skull and broke his radial and ulna bone in his arm and he was in ICU for over a week and in coma for 3 days. The other fights were to protect my girlfriend were I was ready to fight 5 guys. They ended up backing down after I hit one of them in the face with a pool stick. Fought 2 guys at a bar and if my friends wouldn't of pulled me off the one guy I would of hurt him badly. The last fight I was trying to break up a fight and then one of them pushed my girlfriend and I knocked him out with a right hook were the jaw and ear meet. I am afraid that I am going to kill someone. Last night my girlfriend and I were fighting and I kicked a hole in the bedroom door. The anger just swells inside of me and I am finding it harder to control. In all the instances I did not instigate the fights. I'm 41 and thought I was past this stage in my life. Perhaps, it is because of the incresed hormone levels, but I should be able to control that. After my girlfriend and I verbally exchanged unpleasantries and I kicked a hole in the bedroom door, I suffered a severe seizure and thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. Again, I had forgotten to take my meds.

    If it wasn't for my faith in Jesus Christ I think that I would be in jail by now for killing someone. I'm not saying I'm a badass or a tough mucho jerk. In fact, I am quite the opposite. For the most part I am an artist (musician, author, poet, painting, teacher, etc). So I don't know what is going on. Something clicks in me and my training takes over and all I see is a target. My mind sees everything I am going to do to immobolize this person or persons. Could this have something to do coming off the opiates. I wonder if the seizures are screwing up my hormones and brain chemicals. If I continue on this path I am going to kill someone. One thing I know is that I could never hurt a women. Never have I lifted a finger against a female, evern though some have deserved it. I guess that is terrible for me to say that, but I am trying to be honest.

    Moreover, my support group at church is really starting to freak me out. The guy leading the meeting never lets me get things off my chest. I patiently listen to what everyone else has to share and he doesn't interrupt them. And he is pushing this 12 step thing incorporated from NA. You know I have done the 12 step program and to be frank it helps, but it's not going to keep me from using. He went on how you need a sponser and you can't get past step 5 without one. I thought it was I christ centered meeting. But everyone seats around all depressed talking about how horrible life is all the time. I need positive feedback. My feeling is the dude who leads the group thinks he has suffered more than most because he was an alcoholic, homeless tried to committ suicide. News flash, been there done that except with opiates. It's ok when he shares his experiences, but I feel like he brushes me off. I had to leave 5 minutes early because my girlfriend had to play softball and he gave me a lecture on how you shouldn't put anyone or anything before your sobrieity. What a bunch of BS. He pretty much puts me down the whole time. I don't think I will be going back...which sucks because I really need a support group with like minded people who believe spiritually as I do.

    All this together is becoming overwhelming. If not for my counselor I would lose it. Not to say I will go back to using. I truly believe I am over it...I know it is dangerous to think that way, but I thought the cravings would never go away, but everyday I seem to care less about opiates. It's weird, but I feel like something has been lifted from me in that area. Some days I feel so strong and others I'm like a broken little boy. I have faith that God will lead me in the right direction. Maybe someone on this forum can help. Show me something i am not seeing. God Bless

  2. #2
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    Hey, you should be really proud of yourself for your sobriety. I have been clean for 17 days and am struggling. I have avoided the NA meetings (I went to one) for some of the same reasons you listed. I don't know where you live - but there may be other ones available. I'm to the point now where I'm going to one tonight. I have to. My issue is that - I agree with the higher power (I'm a Christian too), but I have seen it used in a way that prevents people from being real. And when your in pain and want to climb out of where you've been - you need the real. Your group leader sounds what my church has termed a bit "legalistic". I hope you find a better group.

    As far as the aggression goes - I noticed it in myself when I was on it. I am far less aggressive and agitated now that I am off. I think the opiates may have something to do with it. Long term use of Opiates can cause changes in the brain chemicals. Have you seen a psychiatrist to assist you? Yes, you are a Christian, but you are subject to the chemicals of your body. You may need some assistance - at least in the short term. I wish you the best and go to the places where you will be heard. You deserve that. God Bless.

  3. #3
    vduda is offline Member
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    Thanks Law,

    I am seeing a Psychiatrist and a counselor. My counselor is real cool and he helps me out in a lot of ways. As for my Psychiatrist his purpose is to dispense medication to me for my Anxiety Disorder and to controll my seizures. I have a lot going on in my life and it is just too fast and I am being taken for a ride by this crazy out of control world. I would think that the diazepam would help me to relax. It does, but I still have that feeling of rage inside my stomach. I want to explode into unkept tides of blue green sand. Rubbing my eyes I turn to see a broken man in a broken world. Full of absent substitutes and sound bites that make zombies of the masses. Having the Spirit of God in me I have been feeling extremely convicted about going out to secular places, like pool halls, and hanging with friends and drinking beer. Did that for the last month, but I am not really a drinker. I didn't drink for over a decade until recently.

    My testosterone is off the charts since I got stopped the opiates 6 and half months ago. But I am not about to take medication to lower my testosterone. I have a strong mind and for the most part I can handle my anger. Just some things set me off and I become a lethal weapon. My girlfriend and I have been fighting and I think that has a lot to do with my aggression problem. She knows how to push my buttons. I don't know why she does it. For the most part I treat her like a queen. It's been 3 yrs since the end of my 20 yr marriage. During this time I have been involved with several girls, but "Mee" is something really special to me. Perhaps, I am scarred that I am going to get hurt again. I'm too old for mind games...yes too old and wise. Last night I kicked a hole through my bedroom door with a round house when we were fighting. I would never hit a female, but sometimes I go nuts and destroy monitary things.

    I am being honest about my behavior. Many times people try and paint a pretty picture of themselves. As I said many times before I am a follower of Jesus Christ. At one time I had that inner peace. There are times when I find that peace, but lately there has been a lot of turmoil. All I know is that I am not going to take more meds to deal with my anger. Actually, I think in some ways it is healthy. I am feeling again after a long time of dopesleeping. I have faith that God will see me through this time of trials and tribulations. I pray that God leads me to a church that accepts me for who I am and does not judge me based on my appearance. As for the opiates I believe God has delivered me from that bondage. I was offered every kind of opiate this week and easily turned them down. It was hard in the beginning, but got easier and easier. You know when you have those moments of clarity and the Spirit shows you the true face of things. That's what happend to me this week with opiates. God Bless.

  4. #4
    greendog21 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Thanks Law,

    I am seeing a Psychiatrist and a counselor. My counselor is real cool and he helps me out in a lot of ways. As for my Psychiatrist his purpose is to dispense medication to me for my Anxiety Disorder and to controll my seizures. I have a lot going on in my life and it is just too fast and I am being taken for a ride by this crazy out of control world. I would think that the diazepam would help me to relax. It does, but I still have that feeling of rage inside my stomach. I want to explode into unkept tides of blue green sand. Rubbing my eyes I turn to see a broken man in a broken world. Full of absent substitutes and sound bites that make zombies of the masses. Having the Spirit of God in me I have been feeling extremely convicted about going out to secular places, like pool halls, and hanging with friends and drinking beer. Did that for the last month, but I am not really a drinker. I didn't drink for over a decade until recently.

    My testosterone is off the charts since I got stopped the opiates 6 and half months ago. But I am not about to take medication to lower my testosterone. I have a strong mind and for the most part I can handle my anger. Just some things set me off and I become a lethal weapon. My girlfriend and I have been fighting and I think that has a lot to do with my aggression problem. She knows how to push my buttons. I don't know why she does it. For the most part I treat her like a queen. It's been 3 yrs since the end of my 20 yr marriage. During this time I have been involved with several girls, but "Mee" is something really special to me. Perhaps, I am scarred that I am going to get hurt again. I'm too old for mind games...yes too old and wise. Last night I kicked a hole through my bedroom door with a round house when we were fighting. I would never hit a female, but sometimes I go nuts and destroy monitary things.

    I am being honest about my behavior. Many times people try and paint a pretty picture of themselves. As I said many times before I am a follower of Jesus Christ. At one time I had that inner peace. There are times when I find that peace, but lately there has been a lot of turmoil. All I know is that I am not going to take more meds to deal with my anger. Actually, I think in some ways it is healthy. I am feeling again after a long time of dopesleeping. I have faith that God will see me through this time of trials and tribulations. I pray that God leads me to a church that accepts me for who I am and does not judge me based on my appearance. As for the opiates I believe God has delivered me from that bondage. I was offered every kind of opiate this week and easily turned them down. It was hard in the beginning, but got easier and easier. You know when you have those moments of clarity and the Spirit shows you the true face of things. That's what happend to me this week with opiates. God Bless.
    Ok, I know that you have given me some adivse since starting this site, but I don't want you to get mad or think that I am downing you, but have you been to the DR. over this, and have you thought about maybe you have chemicals off in the brain??? Bio-polar disorder, it seems you are fine and then the next you are ready to be this fighter and the next you are a lover and god has helped. Well, after being what I have been through and still going through I can't believe that you wouldn't want to take one tiny pill if that would help you with testosterone and your bouts of rage. It is not opiates and not like you are going to get hooked on it. You are going to have to get ahold of yourself, what would your kids think if they knew that you put a man in a como- proud wouldn't be it!!! I am actually not proud of it and I thought you were sounding like such a nice guy going through an exper. and coming out of it and STAYING OFF OF IT. correct me if I am wrong but aren't you a teacher, I would have my child out of your class so fast if I knew the things that you have done and just recently for that fact.
    Again, I am not being mean but I am being honest. If seems that you are taking the correct steps to get and stay clean and that is so great and I apploud you, but you might have to step back and look at the whole picture. You say that your girlfriend means everything to you but she pushes your buttons, why would she do that knowing what your are going throug and still trying to stay clean. For you to love someone and then you are always fighting and kicking holes in whatnot, them maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship if being together brings out that much anger. you said that is has only been 3 yrs since your divorce, well maybe you are not over that divorce and being in another relationship that soon, is not where you need to be at the moment, since you are teetering on going back on pills. Yes, she is special (remembering I am going through wheter or not to leave as well from my marriage) but she is not helping the situation it seems. I don't think that drinking is something that you should add on your list to do,
    I see that you are taking the proper steps, going to your support groups and meetings, you found that one wasn't working for you and yes you do need positive feedback, but you kept going and started something else-that is positive and showing that you want to stay clean. Well you say that you died once, you are alive now and here to tell about it, you are telling it and probably helping many others out there right now think hey if he did it then maybe so can I, you are also talking about your feelings. But I really think that you and Mee might not be meshing well together and not helping your recovery. . Your anger does probably come from your 20 yr marriage, during alot of it your were on opiates and dopesleeping is what you called it, you almost died for goodness sake that alone would have some repressed issues.
    Only you can make your decisions for you but your relationship doesnt seem productive in anyway, maybe it is to soon to be in a relationship until you get over what you are going through, your bouts of rage. I wouldn't even want to be around someone that puts holes in things. If MEE loves you then she will be there for you and not against you and if you take time off then she would wait for you to come back, that is what exactly I would and am going to do!!!!!

  5. #5
    greendog21 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Thanks Law,

    I am seeing a Psychiatrist and a counselor. My counselor is real cool and he helps me out in a lot of ways. As for my Psychiatrist his purpose is to dispense medication to me for my Anxiety Disorder and to controll my seizures. I have a lot going on in my life and it is just too fast and I am being taken for a ride by this crazy out of control world. I would think that the diazepam would help me to relax. It does, but I still have that feeling of rage inside my stomach. I want to explode into unkept tides of blue green sand. Rubbing my eyes I turn to see a broken man in a broken world. Full of absent substitutes and sound bites that make zombies of the masses. Having the Spirit of God in me I have been feeling extremely convicted about going out to secular places, like pool halls, and hanging with friends and drinking beer. Did that for the last month, but I am not really a drinker. I didn't drink for over a decade until recently.

    My testosterone is off the charts since I got stopped the opiates 6 and half months ago. But I am not about to take medication to lower my testosterone. I have a strong mind and for the most part I can handle my anger. Just some things set me off and I become a lethal weapon. My girlfriend and I have been fighting and I think that has a lot to do with my aggression problem. She knows how to push my buttons. I don't know why she does it. For the most part I treat her like a queen. It's been 3 yrs since the end of my 20 yr marriage. During this time I have been involved with several girls, but "Mee" is something really special to me. Perhaps, I am scarred that I am going to get hurt again. I'm too old for mind games...yes too old and wise. Last night I kicked a hole through my bedroom door with a round house when we were fighting. I would never hit a female, but sometimes I go nuts and destroy monitary things.

    I am being honest about my behavior. Many times people try and paint a pretty picture of themselves. As I said many times before I am a follower of Jesus Christ. At one time I had that inner peace. There are times when I find that peace, but lately there has been a lot of turmoil. All I know is that I am not going to take more meds to deal with my anger. Actually, I think in some ways it is healthy. I am feeling again after a long time of dopesleeping. I have faith that God will see me through this time of trials and tribulations. I pray that God leads me to a church that accepts me for who I am and does not judge me based on my appearance. As for the opiates I believe God has delivered me from that bondage. I was offered every kind of opiate this week and easily turned them down. It was hard in the beginning, but got easier and easier. You know when you have those moments of clarity and the Spirit shows you the true face of things. That's what happend to me this week with opiates. God Bless.
    Ok, I know that you have given me some adivse since starting this site, but I don't want you to get mad or think that I am downing you, but have you been to the DR. over this, and have you thought about maybe you have chemicals off in the brain??? Bio-polar disorder, it seems you are fine and then the next you are ready to be this fighter and the next you are a lover and god has helped. Well, after being what I have been through and still going through I can't believe that you wouldn't want to take one tiny pill if that would help you with testosterone and your bouts of rage. It is not opiates and not like you are going to get hooked on it. You are going to have to get ahold of yourself, what would your kids think if they knew that you put a man in a como- proud wouldn't be it!!! I am actually not proud of it and I thought you were sounding like such a nice guy going through an exper. and coming out of it and STAYING OFF OF IT. correct me if I am wrong but aren't you a teacher, I would have my child out of your class so fast if I knew the things that you have done and just recently for that fact.
    Again, I am not being mean but I am being honest. If seems that you are taking the correct steps to get and stay clean and that is so great and I apploud you, but you might have to step back and look at the whole picture. You say that your girlfriend means everything to you but she pushes your buttons, why would she do that knowing what your are going throug and still trying to stay clean. For you to love someone and then you are always fighting and kicking holes in whatnot, them maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship if being together brings out that much anger. you said that is has only been 3 yrs since your divorce, well maybe you are not over that divorce and being in another relationship that soon, is not where you need to be at the moment, since you are teetering on going back on pills. Yes, she is special (remembering I am going through wheter or not to leave as well from my marriage) but she is not helping the situation it seems. I don't think that drinking is something that you should add on your list to do,
    I see that you are taking the proper steps, going to your support groups and meetings, you found that one wasn't working for you and yes you do need positive feedback, but you kept going and started something else-that is positive and showing that you want to stay clean. Well you say that you died once, you are alive now and here to tell about it, you are telling it and probably helping many others out there right now think hey if he did it then maybe so can I, you are also talking about your feelings. But I really think that you and Mee might not be meshing well together and not helping your recovery. . Your anger does probably come from your 20 yr marriage, during alot of it your were on opiates and dopesleeping is what you called it, you almost died for goodness sake that alone would have some repressed issues.
    Only you can make your decisions for you but your relationship doesnt seem productive in anyway, maybe it is to soon to be in a relationship until you get over what you are going through, your bouts of rage. I wouldn't even want to be around someone that puts holes in things. If MEE loves you then she will be there for you and not against you and if you take time off then she would wait for you to come back, that is what exactly I would and am going to do!!!!!

  6. #6
    vduda is offline Member
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    Well well greendog,

    Classic. My response is simple. I am being honest and not putting up a front like some people do on this forum. If I wanted to be insensitive I would say your just wanting attention and want to be the victim. You have never taken responsibility for any of your husbands actions. But the truth is I don't know if that is true. So I just try to stay positive. I am usually a passive person, but I have lately been in situations were I have had to defend myself. In all those instances it has been self defense. No I am not bi-polar or psychotic or have any other mental disorder except for Anxiety. This forum is such a joke sometimes...damed if you do and damed if you don't. Your judging me and all I did was give you an insight into my life experience in hope of trying to help you. My body is going through major changes. Like I said my testosterone was at zero and now that I am becoming healthy my body his reacing to the increased hormones and it effects me somewhat emotionally. Frankly, to suggest I have a chemical imbalance is offensive. And as far as taking your kids out of my class it would be your loss because I am an excellent teacher who loves his students. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced hormone fluctuations after long term opiate use and then quiting. I am not proud of hurting anyone and if you read my thread you would of seen that. Like I said I hold black belts in several martial arts styles. I fought 12 years PK and 4 years MMA. Never have I instigated a fight outside the ring. Everytime I have come to the defense of my girlfriend, family, loved one... except when I was attacked from behind for no reason at all 4 weeks ago. I was walking away from that incident.

    And yes I do believe in God and depend on him for my strength. Especially, when I come under attack from people like you. But Jesus taught to bless those who persecute you. I am not perfect by far. In short, I am working through my issues. Maybe you should take your own advice and try to find help for yourself and your husband. I am fine and I know that I can make it through anything. Your words hurt, but I can take it. You really don't know where I am coming from and apparently you won't. You have already judged without knowing all the facts. Oh well, God Bless and I wipe the dirt from my feet. You will not hear from me again.

  7. #7
    greendog21 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Well well greendog,

    Classic. My response is simple. I am being honest and not putting up a front like some people do on this forum. If I wanted to be insensitive I would say your just wanting attention and want to be the victim. You have never taken responsibility for any of your husbands actions. But the truth is I don't know if that is true. So I just try to stay positive. I am usually a passive person, but I have lately been in situations were I have had to defend myself. In all those instances it has been self defense. No I am not bi-polar or psychotic or have any other mental disorder except for Anxiety. This forum is such a joke sometimes...damed if you do and damed if you don't. Your judging me and all I did was give you an insight into my life experience in hope of trying to help you. My body is going through major changes. Like I said my testosterone was at zero and now that I am becoming healthy my body his reacing to the increased hormones and it effects me somewhat emotionally. Frankly, to suggest I have a chemical imbalance is offensive. And as far as taking your kids out of my class it would be your loss because I am an excellent teacher who loves his students. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced hormone fluctuations after long term opiate use and then quiting. I am not proud of hurting anyone and if you read my thread you would of seen that. Like I said I hold black belts in several martial arts styles. I fought 12 years PK and 4 years MMA. Never have I instigated a fight outside the ring. Everytime I have come to the defense of my girlfriend, family, loved one... except when I was attacked from behind for no reason at all 4 weeks ago. I was walking away from that incident.

    And yes I do believe in God and depend on him for my strength. Especially, when I come under attack from people like you. But Jesus taught to bless those who persecute you. I am not perfect by far. In short, I am working through my issues. Maybe you should take your own advice and try to find help for yourself and your husband. I am fine and I know that I can make it through anything. Your words hurt, but I can take it. You really don't know where I am coming from and apparently you won't. You have already judged without knowing all the facts. Oh well, God Bless and I wipe the dirt from my feet. You will not hear from me again.
    Well Mr. Vduda:
    take it as you wish, if I don't hear from you again I am not going to loose sleep. I was not judging you one bit, if you could read I said that I was give you positive feedback and just wondering why you won't take a little white pill to help you testost. issue?????? My words weren't intended for them to hurt just calling as I see it. How dare you say that I am looking for attention, what the hell is that about- or that I should take responsibility for my husbands action, so what the ******************** am I supposed to do go to detox for him or am I supposed to beg for him to see the light and for god to save him?? I didnt force a pill down his mouth everynight so what action to I have to responsibility for?????
    Give me a break, actually I have never lost myself- so no need in me finding anything- I just can't believe that you would turn all of this on me as if it was my problem. If anything I am the strong one right now because I am taking the role of mother and father right now since someone else isnt. I don't want my kids to watch their father spiral down- they are to young and nor should they have that burdon on them.
    I came to this website looking to see if there was anybody else that was going through what I was and what people have done in the past, not for attention you pompas ass!!!!! If I wanted attention I would have already let the cat out of the bag to family so they can woo me over with the I am sorry- but I don't want attention I just want my husband/ family back that is it end of story and I am looking to see how to do that without having to leave him for awhile.
    I feel that you probably are the one looking for attention due to who really gives a ******************** if you are martial arts king and can give a door a great roundhouse hole in it or even be proud of what you did to a few guys- could it be self defense or did you provoke them- seems to me you don't get jumped just for ********************s and grins!! Why don't you tell the truth on that. If you were defending your woman- what repectful person would start ******************** in a bar anyways???
    I am so glad that you have finally seen the light and hoped you have washed your feet now of the dirt. I am now going to wipe my ass with your words because frankly most of them are ********************. I was on your side until you started making retarded comments. I really do wish you well and hope you stay clean because I don't wish anybody the type of life I am witnessing first hand. I wish you and your daughter the best life.
    I am normally not a mean person but enough is enough, but what I am going to do now is find me a glass of wine and unwind for the evening. So god bless to you and to a speedy recovery!!!!

  8. #8
    ymccormack is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Well well greendog,

    Classic. My response is simple. I am being honest and not putting up a front like some people do on this forum. If I wanted to be insensitive I would say your just wanting attention and want to be the victim. You have never taken responsibility for any of your husbands actions. But the truth is I don't know if that is true. So I just try to stay positive. I am usually a passive person, but I have lately been in situations were I have had to defend myself. In all those instances it has been self defense. No I am not bi-polar or psychotic or have any other mental disorder except for Anxiety. This forum is such a joke sometimes...damed if you do and damed if you don't. Your judging me and all I did was give you an insight into my life experience in hope of trying to help you. My body is going through major changes. Like I said my testosterone was at zero and now that I am becoming healthy my body his reacing to the increased hormones and it effects me somewhat emotionally. Frankly, to suggest I have a chemical imbalance is offensive. And as far as taking your kids out of my class it would be your loss because I am an excellent teacher who loves his students. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced hormone fluctuations after long term opiate use and then quiting. I am not proud of hurting anyone and if you read my thread you would of seen that. Like I said I hold black belts in several martial arts styles. I fought 12 years PK and 4 years MMA. Never have I instigated a fight outside the ring. Everytime I have come to the defense of my girlfriend, family, loved one... except when I was attacked from behind for no reason at all 4 weeks ago. I was walking away from that incident.

    And yes I do believe in God and depend on him for my strength. Especially, when I come under attack from people like you. But Jesus taught to bless those who persecute you. I am not perfect by far. In short, I am working through my issues. Maybe you should take your own advice and try to find help for yourself and your husband. I am fine and I know that I can make it through anything. Your words hurt, but I can take it. You really don't know where I am coming from and apparently you won't. You have already judged without knowing all the facts. Oh well, God Bless and I wipe the dirt from my feet. You will not hear from me again.
    Vduda, I think I know what at least one of your problems is....you're an asshole.


    YM

  9. #9
    PainfulCrash2005 is offline Junior Member
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    Lightbulb V...

    Sorry to hear how the anger is getting out of control... Aside from long term use, abuse, etc. of meds changing the chemicals in your brain...anti-anxiety meds can change them, too (obviously). But, I had a dear friend who had been clean (almost as long as you, congrats!) and was on an anti-anxiety medication. He was on it a few months, and suddenly he began snapping on everyone over any little thing. (Not saying that the things that trigger YOUR anger are "little")...but it turns out that the anxiety meds he was on did this to him. He found out after speaking with his Doctor who immediately switched his medication to something else. After that, he just had to adjust the actual dosage once, and since then, he's been back to normal. So, is it possible for you to ask for a different one??

    And, as for the group meeting at Church... Keep in mind, a lot of times the people that hold those meetings and/or go to those meetings generally don't even belong to that specific Church (or sometimes, ANY Church). The Church uses it as a community service-type project, and pretty good publicity. So, you may want to look around for another group... That's the last thing you need right now--to be pushed to the side by someone who is supposed to be supportive. It sounds to me that the group isn't run as it should be--but again, these are all my opinions...

    Best of luck to you!!!

  10. #10
    vduda is offline Member
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    Painfulcrash,

    Thanks for the positive feedback. Obviously, I have been made the scapegoat for some of the people's anger on this forum. Again, i never judged anyone. It seems that people just one to want hear what they want hear. I write with an intent to help and people like greendog and ymc totally take me out of context. So be it. My aggression has lessened since my girlfriend and I have changed our environment. Moreover, my body is still adjusting from the influx of testosterone. I don't believe it has anything to do with my other meds. It is just that I am learning how to feel again and function without the opiates as a crutch. God Bless.

  11. #11
    vduda is offline Member
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    YMC,

    My old self would react with anger to your little insult. The truth is that I feel sorry for you. Call me whatever names you want to call me. I don't know you personally so I will not judge you based on your ignorance. If I am an asshole then what are you. A compassionate loving person. Your words are so empty and without meaning. Sorry I can't be as cool as you, but I think I will take the higher road. Apparently, you have something personal against me. Maybe I didn't agree with on another post. Who knows maybe your just pissed at the world. I choose to bless you and hope God brings you peace.

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    vduda is offline Member
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    Greendog,

    One last comment to you because I think it would be rude not to respond. Again, you have taken me out of context. Are you sure you read what I had to say. I didn't judge you. I said if my intentions where to hurt you I would make those claims. But I qualified my statement by saying I don't know you personally I wouldn't judge you like you judged me. That all I have to say about that. My you find peace. God Bless

  13. #13
    greendog21 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by vduda View Post
    Greendog,

    One last comment to you because I think it would be rude not to respond. Again, you have taken me out of context. Are you sure you read what I had to say. I didn't judge you. I said if my intentions where to hurt you I would make those claims. But I qualified my statement by saying I don't know you personally I wouldn't judge you like you judged me. That all I have to say about that. My you find peace. God Bless

    Vduda:
    Ok, I do hear you out now that the anger is gone and today is a new day! i swear I didn't judge anyone on here nor did I judge you in anyway nor did I have any intentions on doing so- I don't know you as an individual !!! I can't believe that I let anger get the best of me, see now when someone out there is upset, hurt, resentfull, things can get taken out of hand in a very quick instant. I am not here to put someone else down or make them feel any less of a human being.
    we are all here for one thing and that is to listen and help each other out, not call names, make blame on who, or judge anybody!!! I didn't come here for that, I have a person who I love who I want to spend the rest of my life with - who has a serious problem and if he won't get help on his own then I am reaching out to see what my other options are, who else has been in the same boat, ect. and so on.

    I do applaud those who tell their story and maybe give knowledge or insite to others who are struggling with the same thing, or maybe even a kind word to make their day because those who do feel alone or are reaching out, that is all that it might take to turn someones life around or make their day alittle less stressful and heck maybe not feel like they have to turn to a drug or someone who's loved one has an issue- help them to see things in other perspectives, or give insite as to why this these drugs are so addictive- I have no clue as to why a person would be addicted to opiates- why would someone want to let a pill take everything away I am also looking out there for that answer to.

    I do have a questions and I am asking on a need to know basis just what am I supposed to be doing to take responsibility for my husbands addiction or our situation, because believe it or not his problem is also my problem, and if anybody out there can tell me what to do then I would be happy to listen and take it in. It is afident that what I am doing isn't working, making threats to leave, asking or should I say begging for him to get help, doing everything under the sun to help make his day go smoother. I am not playing the victim here I just want adivse on others who have been in this situation. Also, I am not putting it out there to everyone that my life is awful boo hoo me, seems to me I have a great life, just things are taking alittle detour with my husband addiction. I am actually mad at myself now thinking last night, why would I even come up with the idea to leave my husband, I am in this with him, I did say in sickness and in health and I am going to stand by those words, if the clocks were turned would I want him to up and disappear on me in a time of weakness and poor judgement??? We do have kids and I owe it to them to try and make things right. So if that means I have to take responsibility for my husbands action, rising above the occasion then then so be it- just someone let me know what that is????? I want advise so I can help him find his way back without pills.
    Last edited by greendog21; 03-14-2008 at 11:15 AM. Reason: added more

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    vduda is offline Member
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    Greendog,

    I am very happy that we can approach each other in a civil way. My intentions were never to hurt you. Perhaps, I became defensive because I try to be as honest as I can on this forum. Some days are very difficult, especially for a recovering addict. I haven't been myself in so many years I am going through so many changes and I am trying to figure it all out. It did bother me when you suggested maybe I have bi-polar disorder or other mental illnesses. I do have an Anxiety Disorder ever since I was a child. In essence, I have taken the steps to heal and I think I have come a long way. My point was to help you by giving you a glimpse into the irrational thoughts of a person when they are in the grip of addiction. And I wasn't calling you a victim...I said if I wanted to play that game I could say those things to hurt you. Then I qualified it by stating that I don't know you and it is not my place to judge you. I think it is wonderful that you are so committed to your marriage and husband. You are in a very difficult position. From what you explained he my need to be forceably placed into detox to save his life. But then again it may do no good unless he wants to quit. The addiction is so ovewhelming that it takes over your life. I'm sure it is hard for you to understand this because thank God you are not addicted to opiates or any other drugs I presume. He is not in his right mind. Bring family and friends into this to see if you can reach him somehow. You need a support group. It took one of my very good life long friends telling me everyday for three weeks that I was going to die if I did not get off the poison and into detox. That stuck in my head. Then I started thinking about my daughter, my mother and all the people I had hurt. I never denied I was an addict, but I wasn't taking the steps to break the chains. But finally by the grace of God I checked into Detox and now 6 ane half months later I am still clean and living a fantastic life. That is not to say I don't have struggles like I have shared with all of you. But that is the point of this forum. I have taken the mask off long ago. In short, I have surendered and I am trying to be a better person.

    I am sorry if I hurt you in anyway and I apololgize. The truth is all I want to do is help. And as for YMC I think I had disagreed with her on another post and she made this whole thing personal. Personally, I would never call people names. It is very childish and negative. Right now I need people who are positive and encouraging. And I want to be positive and help anyway I can. I am glad that we were able to speak as rational people. If there is anything I can do let me know. God Bless all of us.

  15. #15
    erinkj is offline Senior Member
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    Smile Vduda

    I was only gone for 11 day's and it has taken me 2 day's to catch up. Mexico was great even though we had a few problem's this trip. The sunshine and swimming in the ocean always make me feel reborn! Enough about me. Looks like you are going through a pretty rough spell. Honestly, I am surprised that the aggression did not hit you sooner than it has. I am so sorry that I did'nt discuss aggression issues with you when I learned of you'r test results. My bad. I can relate to this allbeit secondhand (through my husband). Tony, like you has had aggression issues as we have waded through this sea of hormones. One night (almost a year ago) he actually ran through a wall in the house. He bent over at the waist and charged the wall head first like a raging bull. His head and shoulders went completely through the wall into the next room. Then, he backed up and did it again! Tony is a BIG guy, the holes were HUGE, thank God sheetrock is cheap!
    That is not typical behavior for him but, it illustrates the effects of excesive testosterone! Aggression is the NATURAL responce to raised testosterone levels. With it comes a vast array of mood swings. (as you know) In your case I am almost posetive that the elevated testosterone is the result of your body re-adjusting to it's normal hormonal functions after the years of opiate use. Tony could address this so much better than I but, he is gone working right now. So, I will try. As you have likely learned, opiates inhibit and suppress natural hormone production. The longer the opiates were used the longer it takes the endocrine system to stabelize once you are clean. Your testosterone levels likely began to rise within day's or weeks of being drug free because the endocrine system was no longer inhibited by the drugs. I cannot say how long it will take or even if your hormones will balance out. They should but, there is the chance that all the years of opiate's have caused permanent changes.( I hope not but, want you to know this) In the future you may experience some big drops in you'r test levels which may manifest as an increase in anxiety, deppression, fatigue, lack of energy and hypogonadism to name a few. (keep an eye out for this) If you continue to have the aggression or if it increases I highly recomend that you have those levels checked again but, absolutely use the saliva test method. This method is able to measure your levels throughout the course of a full day and shows when they are highest and lowest, etc. Far more accurate than the blood test's. I understand completely why you do not want to take more medications. Are you on an anti-seizure med? If you are which one? I ask because you may benefit from being on one. Tony is currently on Depakote for 3 reasons: the anti-seizure for comming off of the xanax (he has now switched succesfully to klonapin ) mood stability, it has brought down the aggression and it help's with migrain prevention. He has'nt had a migrain for several months now. I only mention this to you because of you'r seizure history and the aggression. Just keep it in mind if things get worse. I know that for myself just being aware that I have options help's ALOT even when I forgo them. It is like a safety blanket of sorts! Try to stay away from alcohol especially now as it will only increase the aggression but, you know that! Hang in there man, you are going to make it through. You have been through alot worse and this to shall pass. Vent as often as you need to, you have my ear! Peace brother...Erin

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    vduda is offline Member
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    Sorry to hear you had some problems on your trip. But I'm glad your back. It's good to hear a friendly, caring voice. Definitely, been a strange few weeks, but I'm getting through it. My hormones are starting to balance out and the aggression is subsiding. My girlfriend "Mee" moved in a few weeks ago and she has really has been a great help. No more fighting for me. We decided to stay away from the places that bring trouble. And also cutting back on the drinking and going out. My Psychiatrist has increased my Valium to 8 mg a day. No more Xanax. The seizures have pretty much stopped unless I miss a dose. I take 2 mg every 6 hours. I started working out again and training in martial arts and that has given me an outlet for my aggression. I feel really balanced right now. Testosterone levels are getting higher and I have put ten lbs of muscle since we last talked. At one point, I was ready to quit the forum because of all the negativity directed toward me. But because of individuals like you and your husband I decided to stay. Like I said it's been rough, but I know that I can help others with my experiences. Glad your back. God Bless

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