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Can't live without oxycodone, HELP!
  1. #1
    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Default Can't live without oxycodone, HELP!

    Hi there, i'm new, my name is Julia and i'm italian (i'm very sorry for my bad bad grammar..) I started taking oxycodone 20mg x day about 9 moths ago for a back pain, no doctor prescription, a friend of mine gave me. I'm also suffering from severe depression and i'm taking escitalopram 20mg x day. The fact is that after 1-2 months on oxycodone i found out that i function better. It's crazy i know, but when i take it, it's all good, fun, i can easly do everything. It feels like an euphoria that helps me trough the days. Now i can't live without it. I'm on 50mg per day, sometimes 70mg. I tried to stop a month ago, and for about 2 weeks i was on 10mg, i felt better, yes, but not THAT better. I spoke to my shrink and she told me i should continue taking oxycodone because i'm depressed, and right know i can't suffering from a detox plan, she suggested to stop next month.
    I cant, i won't! I will stop function without oxycodone! My brain is so addicted that sometimes i wonder if i can take it forever. If a have something important to do, i immediatly take a pill, ad woila! Everithing goes just ok. The bad thing is that i take it even at home...on the couch watching tv and before going to sleep. I sleep better and immediatly. Will i be able to ever quit? Am i to much intoxicated? I feel like my life without it would be a living hell. Even when i hang out with friends, i take 2 pills and a became the funniest, crazy one of the group! Everyone loves me! I don't want to quit but i know one day i'll have to detox. Any suggestion on how to? I will appriciate any answer, really.
    Thank you

  2. #2
    JedMI is offline Member
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    I am glad you posted here. There is 1 thing that each of us addicts in recovery have in common. We really wanted to be clean. More then anything else. When you say you really do not want to quit you do not seem ready to be clean.

    If you do feel you are ready to quit then you need to get rid of any pills you might have left. You need to cut all ties to anyone that gives them to you. And most importantly you should seek a 12 step program.

    However I am NOT a doctor and I am NOT trying to give you medical advice.

  3. #3
    3jag3 is offline Member
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    Addiction is a progressive disease, so it is unlikely that you will remain in this honeymoon phase where you are just taking the edge off and feeling relaxed while being relatively high functioning. There's a line in the AA Big Book that's something to the effect of "You hit bottom when you stop digging". They also talk about "yets". You haven't lost your job "yet". You haven't been arrested "yet".

    I'm always hesitant to say someone isn't ready to quit because I've heard too many stories in the program where people with double digit years of sobriety would definitely have been labeled similarly. There's actually a guy in my meetings who got into the program because a couple of his neighbors went to meetings and when he asked them who was there, they said "can't tell you...it's anonymous". He went to a meeting strictly to find out who was there and what his neighbors knew but he didn't, and that's how he got into the program. Some end up there by court order and have no intention of getting clean...they're just there to get their licenses back...and they end up getting clean, while others that you are certain will be successful and they're really ready to quit "go back out".

    While I don't feel comfortable labeling one as "ready" or "not ready", this I can promise you...this disease WILL progress. There are a lot of hardliners in the world of recovery who are against taking drugs of any kind, including mental health drugs, but if you are truly clinically depressed, there are other far more viable options.

    Best of luck.
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  4. #4
    oscarcody1 is offline Member
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    Julia,

    I can relate to a lot of what you said about taking one and feeling energized, happy, and being a "better" person almost while high. Believe me, that DOES NOT last. It progresses fast. I was dabbling with around 40-60 mgs for a while and two years later after stints of clean time I was up to 300-600mgs daily! It's no joke and it can happen just like that. But, like everyone else has said, to quit you have to want to be clean. It's tough because you're in the phase where you know this probably isn't a good thing for your life but you still feel great and haven't really has any consequences as a result of using. Please, if there is one thing I can give to you is don't wait until something bad happens or the disease progresses to the point where you literally use and don't get high. Take the initiative now! Best of luck

    Cody
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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Julia,

    We all start out enjoying the hell out of these drugs - feeling like we're such a better person on them. We think we're more animated, more energetic, more fun. But soon, we aren't seen as "fun" - just glassy-eyed and out of it. And soon, it isn't much fun - the highs are harder to find, and there's never enough. Other areas of our lives start to fall apart. Relationships suffer, our jobs suffer, our finances suffer. And we keep on chasing that feeling we used to get. It be comes a living nightmare. Before you realize what's happening, the drugs will own you, and they'll be in charge. They'll come before friends, partner, job or children.

    Only YOU can decide when you are miserable enough that your misery outweighs your fear of stopping. There are (literally) millions of addicts who NEED recovery, but "needing" it isn't enough to bring about recovery. Those who succeed are those who WANT recovery. And, in general, we don't want it enough until we're miserable enough using.

    You are stronger than you think you are. We are all terrified about stopping. No one just breezes into an NA meeting and decides, "Hey, this looks like fun." No - we go there when we're finally beat by the drugs. We go when we've finally realized the hell we're putting ourselves and our loved ones through - and we're ready to change our lives.

    Everyone has a different "bottom" from their drug use. Some will sink lower and lower until overdose or suicide decides for them. You are on the track toward destruction, but only YOU can change that. We're here to help when you decide you want recovery.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    First of all thank you all for all your answers.
    Ruth, i know that i'm on the track toward destruction, but right now, i can't help it. Just last month a received a notification by my boss basically telling me that my work is pretty messy. Now i'm trying to be a little more focus but honestly, i'm always high during work time. It helps me with costumers but when it comes to more delicate things i mess up. Today i went to my shrink, i asked her when i will be able to quit, she told that my oxycodone abuse is not pure coincidence and that i probably started using because of my depression. Basically i self-medicated knowing that i wasn't ok with myself. She told me that i should seek a rehab facility (for free here in italy) in the end of april. I'm a little bit scared but i don't want to end on a 350mg x day, i'm terrorized. Just about 20 minutes ago i took my 10mg pill but the effect is not the same as 2 weeks ago. I don't want to be an addict but i'm so scared of quitting...will i be happy without oxy? After dinner i will probably take another one, and then another one a hour later, it's crazy i can't believe this is me, i never have had an addiction besides smoke. I'm 27 and i dont want to be 40 and still be an addict. But the feel is so damn manipulating, my brain told me that with oxy i will be safe and ok and that everything will be amazing, i know it's a lie, but i can't control it. What will happen in rehab? Do u know what type of method they use to detox?
    Thank u so much.
    A hug,
    Julia

  7. #7
    3jag3 is offline Member
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    You said you're scared of quitting and you can't help it (taking oxys). You may not want to be an addict, but it sure sounds like you are. Addiction is a disease, and nobody *wants* to have a disease...least of all this one. When you have cancer, people bring you casseroles for dinner and offer to drive your kids to school and fold your laundry. You're not ashamed. And yes, there are many roads that lead to this disease, one of which is self medicating. Will you be happy without Oxy? Not all the time. Oxy or no oxy, nobody is happy all the time. You're on oxy now and you don't sound happy.

    A couple of questions. First, why would you have to wait until the end of April to go to a facility? Also, you asked about detox. Do you need to detox? I mean, there is always a level of withdrawal when you stop taking pills, but are you at a level that the physical withdrawal is extreme? How long would you be in-patient?

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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Hi 3jag3, and thank u for your aswer. No, i'm not happy right know. I'm not happy at all 'coz i'm such a slave to my pills and they are in charge of my life. I sure know that. Maybe i want to be an addict just like u said, because of the feels the pills gave me, but in the same time i don't want to depend on a damn pill. I reached a point where i freaked out when i run out of pills, where i'm terrified of going out without them. I know it's a disease and that i'm sick, but i don't feel like it's the right time to quit. I have to waint 'till the end of april because of the depression. My doctor told me that right know i'm to fragile to quit an addiction, we should wait the antidepressant to fuction. About the detox question...i run out of pills months ago and it wasn't ok at all. I find myself vomiting at night of after dinner, can't be able to sleep and sweating a LOT. My legs were shaking like crazy and i wasn't able to to ANYTHING. I don't know how bad it is or if we can call it "cold turkey" , all i know is that my withdrawal are really bad. Maybe not as bad as a person on 300mg x day, for sure, but bad enough. About the in-patient, my doctor told me that it should last a month or two. Here in Rome u basically go to the facility, they take samples of your urine and hair, then they evaluates the detox program. I don't know yet if i will stay in a facility or if i'll be able to do it at home.

    Julia

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    lindenx is online now Member
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    Everything you have posted JungleJulia, is classic addict behavior...and classic withdrawal. The good news is that withdrawal from opiates (the worst of it) lasts about 5 days and really is no worse than the flu. The other good news is that you are an addict for the rest of your life and there is help for it.

    You are fortunate. WE are fortunate!

    Go to the rehab if you can take the time from work, and try not to escalate your usage before you go. You will have good care there and can be set on a path to deal with addictive behavior. Also, you can hang in here and quit like so many others have done. If you read the threads you will see that at the beginning of c/t people are not very happy, but they/I got a lot of support from this site to get through those 5 days. Whatever you do, get rid of those pills before it all gets worse (and it will).

    Lindy

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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Julia,

    What indicates "addiction" is not what you take - or how much you take. It's the mental preoccupation - the cravings - the obsessive thoughts of the drugs that denotes actual "addiction." Just based on what you've said here, your drug use signifies addiction.

    I have NO idea what kind of a doctor would suggest you stay on opiates - or that you're too fragile to quit! That's nonsense. Also, taking opiates until the antidepressant starts working is nonsense. Sorry, but the facts disagree with your doctor. The antidepressant's effectiveness is definitively altered by the presence of opiates. Opiates have altered your body's ability to utilize it's natural brain chemistry; it actually hijacks the re-uptake of such vital neurotransmitters as seratonin and dopamine. These neurotransmitters control our moods. So to introduce an antidepressant (which works on seratonin and dopamine) during a time when those same transmitters are being interrupted by the opiates - is fraught with problems. I hate to say it, but I'd really question the wisdom of your doctor's advice on these matters.

    The opiates are fueling depression. I know - it seems like it is making you feel better, right now. But at the same time, as it interrupts your brain's ability to utilize seratonin and dopamine, it is working behind the scenes to make the depression worse in the long run. Just look around this forum, and you'll see so many folks struggling with depression and opiate addiction; they routinely go hand-in-hand.

    I can tell you this - I was a very fragile, very weak, very emotional young woman when I was at the worst of my opiate addiction. I was consumed by depression - and the idea of removing the drugs that I thought were making it much better terrified me. I thought the opiates were helping! The ironic thing is, it was only AFTER I stopped the opiates that I had a fighting chance to overcome the depression. I did a lot of counseling - before I quit and after I quit - and I can also say that therapy while under the influence of opiates is of minimal help. Counseling is all about dealing with feelings; feeling them - recognizing them - and processing them. If we're routinely taking opiates, we are not experiencing our natural feelings. So counseling is of limited help.

    The advantages of going in-patient are plentiful. I did it, and I'm so glad I did. One reason to go in-patient is to be in a safe place - where the drugs are not readily available - as you get past the first few weeks/months of recovery. It also gives us a chance to focus entirely on the issues we've been trying to avoid through drugs, with the constant support of professionals and others who are in the same situation. We get a head-start on our 12-step recovery, and begin to recognize the behaviors and thought patterns that get us into trouble. We start learning and experimenting with healthier coping skills. We learn more about our disease - and what recovery entails. We learn the signs of potential relapse and how to deal with those triggers.

    You will find that life takes on a new meaning to you - it's quite a remarkable change and I'd hate for you to miss it. Seriously, I got clean at age 32 - and my life started over from there. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner, because my life since being clean is so much more enjoyable than my life using drugs.

    I understand your fear - I felt it, too. It wasn't just fear - it was TERROR. But that is mostly the fear of the unknown. We don't know what to expect. We fear life will be miserable if we can't get high! (Oh no, it's even better!!!) You can do this. You are missing out of a very satisfying, full life - and I hope you make the decision to give recovery a chance.

    God bless,
    Ruth
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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    OH MY GOD. So u're suggesting that my transmitters are blocked by the opiates????? So it's possible that my depression started by taking them? I can't believe it! I've always suffered from depression, but thinking about it, it became worst when i started taking oxy..it's a coincidence? I can't think about it, it's crazy, am i destroying myself? So the antidepressant are just fighting with the opiates in my brain??? My shrink called the rehab facility for advices and they told her i should keep taking them due to my depression. Should i told her what u just said about the trasmitters? I'm terrified right know, if i'm depressed because of the oxy i will CUT THEM OFF RIGHT NOW!

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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Breathe. Calm down, hon. It's quite common that this occurs - and it is "fixable." You are not "destroying" yourself - but you are altering your brain chemistry. That's what anyone does when they routinely take opiates.

    Opiates work on the part of the brain that regulates our moods and motivation. So we hijack our natural ability to regulate these things when we become accustomed to using the opiates. That's why we struggle with regulating these things when we stop using. Our brain has to re-learn how to do these things, opiate free. There's no denying that opiate addiction fuels depression. It's like alcohol - it feels better for the short term, but in the long-run, it's worse.

    Since you are dealing with depression and addiction, it could be that the rehab wants you to be in a safe place during the time you detox. We don't just bounce back out of depression when we first stop the opiates; it takes time to heal our brain chemistry. And that period of time of adjustment is difficult for newly clean addicts; naturally, it'd be better if you were under the supervision of a rehab.

    Can you get into a rehab sooner? Is there a reason why you have to wait?

    Please don't "catastrophize" my advice - it really is quite common that we turn to drugs to deal with depression - and in the long run, the depression gets worse. It happened to me, too. It is not permanent. It will not destroy you. Let that news give you HOPE that things will improve with recovery!!!

    Hugs,
    Ruth
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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Yes, i can enter the facility anytime i want. The reason i don't want to is that i'm afraid my depression will gets worse. But if u tells me that the opiates have fueled my depression..well..it needs to stop. I will take your advice and tomorrow i will seek for an appointment with the rehab facility.
    I have a question: i feel like i can quit anytime i want, sometimes i feel like i'm in charge of it. Few times i tried to quit for 2 days, just to prove my bf i wasn't an addict. It worked out, not easly for sure, but i was able to quit for 2-3 days. I had terrible pain at the legs and my all body were shaking, but i did it. The next day i was bored, so i took a pill and all the pain and shaking were gone. Is it possibile that my addiction is not physical? I mean, is just my brain that want the drug? is my brain that makes me feel bad?
    Second question: Sometimes by bf take a pill, just to have a blast. He started taking a pill once a week. Now he started taking two. Should i lock 'em up? Can he become an addict as me?
    I really appreciate all your aswers ruth, u sounds like a very nice person, so thank u.

    God bless
    Julia

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    3jag3 is offline Member
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    Julie, he can become addicted like you. Nobody starts taking 5 pills a day everyday.

    Stopping for a few days doesn't mean you're not addicted. Out of necessity, I did just that every couple of weeks, give or take, for 5+ years.

    I agree with Ruth...waiting for that reason makes no sense. Pain pills are a depressant, just like alcohol. They may or may not be the cause of your depression, but it ain't making it better, that's for sure.

    Hang tough girl.
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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Julia,

    3jg3 said it well.

    Addiction is a disease that affects every aspect of our lives - not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Being able to stop - even for a few days - is NOT a sign that you aren't addicted. Anyone can stop. It's the "staying stopped" that is so difficult - and that signifies addiction.

    Your addiction is rather easy to diagnose, as you've already stated that "I can't live without oxycodone" - that's the mental piece. That's the craving. That's the obsessive thoughts. That's addiction, period.

    Like 3jg3 said, the oxy's may not have caused your depression, but they are certainly adding to it.

    In order to stay clean after the rehab, you'll need to return to a healthy environment. It will NOT help if your boyfriend is also using oxys. That's a set up for you to relapse. Besides, if his use is escalating, that's a danger sign. Don't supply him with drugs; that's creating a potential problem for him.

    Ruth
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  16. #16
    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Hi there
    I just wanted to thank u for all your support. I just decided to not to stop taking oxycodone. I can't. I don't care what will eventually happen or if i'll get sick. Right know, it's the only thing in the world that makes me happy. Last night i wanted to die, just take a knife and slit my wrist, i have too much going on in my head, i'm sick and tired of my life. I'm not ready to quit, without it i'm gonna die.
    I'm sorry for all the time u have spended on me.

    Sincerly
    Julia

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    oscarcody1 is offline Member
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    Julia,

    I just want you to know that many people feel the way you do in that they could not live without the pills or the suffering is too much to bare without them. You have to understand that it is the disease mind telling you and reasoning, NOT you! The disease mind is a powerful thing and it makes decisions based on fueling your addiction, not for your overall well-being. Those glimpses of times where you know you want to stop and should stop, that's the real you because you know what really needs to happen. It's only a matter of time before you're either cornered and have to stop listening to the disease mind or, hopefully, you are just simply done and ready to endure whatever it takes to get back on track. Believe me this is possible despite what your brain is telling you right now! I wish you all the best and please continue to post.

    Cody

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    eruby is offline New Member
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    Julia-

    Many of us have been in exactly your position. Cody is right-- try to ignore that pessimistic view-- it is the drugs/withdrawal/fear talking. Even if it is when you are high, find that quiet, deep place in yourself where you can be honest with yourself. Find that moment of clarity and strength-- even if you have to be high to find it. And remember the thoughts/feelings once you find it-- that you can do it, you can make it. Write it down so you can look at it later and remind yourself.
    Try not to isolate yourself, as that can make you feel even worse. There are people who care about you and who want to help. Let them.

    -Eric

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    Theap1984 is offline Junior Member
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    You justify your addiction because of your depression. The problem is, will a mistake correct another mistake?

    Sure, oxy helps you in your life, but are you really sure that is the ONLY thing that can help you? Of course you'd say yes, but that is because you don't know anything else that can help you.

    You're closing the doors for alternatives, when your only option would just kill you in the end. Get some help, both with depression and addiction. Stop giving up and feeling sorry for yourself, save yourself. You can do it.

  20. #20
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by JungleJulia View Post
    Hi there
    I just wanted to thank u for all your support. I just decided to not to stop taking oxycodone. I can't. I don't care what will eventually happen or if i'll get sick. Right know, it's the only thing in the world that makes me happy. Last night i wanted to die, just take a knife and slit my wrist, i have too much going on in my head, i'm sick and tired of my life. I'm not ready to quit, without it i'm gonna die.
    I'm sorry for all the time u have spended on me.

    Sincerly
    Julia
    Dear Julia,

    There's no need to apologize to us - time spent helping you wasn't wasted. In truth, we understand you much better than you realize, as we've been in that same place - and felt those same feelings. You are hearing from those of us who are on the other side of that dark place you're in - so we sound stronger now, but we started out just as you are right now. I was absolutely terrified of recovery - terrified. I tried to get clean again and again - and it went on that way for 4 years. Maybe I'd make it a few days or a few weeks, but I'd always go back to using. Life without drugs just looked so damned bleak and miserable.

    I wasn't willing to seriously stop until my life on drugs was sheer hell - and I had no place to go but up. By the end of those 4 years, I was completely defeated and desperate. I used to pray to die in my sleep, as I couldn't bear to face another day of the nightmare. When things got that bad, only then was I willing to reach for help.

    We make that decision when we are ready - and it's at different points for different people. I want you to know - just from what you've read here - that there is HOPE. No one is too far gone to be helped. No one is too fragile to overcome this disease. When you are ready, NA or AA will be there.

    There is so much more to life than what you are seeing right now. There is so much more ahead in recovery than there could ever be when we're using drugs. My life truly began when I stopped the drugs - that's when I discovered that I had been running from an imaginary monster - that life IS good. Happiness and peace of mind IS possible. Keep this hope in your mind.

    You are welcome to walk into any NA or AA meeting any time. You do not have to be clean to attend; I wasn't, when I first went. I usually pulled out the AA meeting schedule when I was high - and still miserable. And sometimes, I went. Some place within me knew where I needed to be... and, eventually, I was able to attend when I was clean.

    You deserve so much more than the life you're living, Julia. Feel free to continue to post here - you are always welcome. You are not disappointing us - we understand you. You are only disappointing yourself.

    Hugs,
    Ruth
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  21. #21
    3jag3 is offline Member
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    One of the best one-line descriptions of how it feels at the beginning of recovery was said at my second meeting: "You're afraid it (AA) won't work, but you're afraid it will". Yep...that sums it up.
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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Hi there,
    i really appreciate all your support, it helps very much. Last days were really bad...i'm taking up to 100mg, and i feel like a zombie. No emotions, no pain. I don't like it at all, but better this than be "me". In the past months i'm not enjoying anything, i used to go out with friends and my bf, right knonow i just wanna sleep and get high. It's terrible but i guess i have no other options. My doctor said it takes time to recover from depression, but i'm so tired to be sad and miserable. I'm just a shade of my former self.
    I had a pretty much cruel life, from the beginning. In fact, i'm a post operative transexual. I'm living as a women from 8 years now, i did my surgery at 20 y.o. All the people i know tells me how lucky i'm, how beautiful i'm. But all i can see is NOTHING. I have a gorgeous bf that wants to merry me, a beautiful villa, my parents love me, my firends love me, i have a good work, but i'm not able to see all of this. I'm not happy for the way i was born, i'm still full of anger toward the life. So i discovered this magic pills that take all the pain away. Before the pills i was a monster. Every day i was furious at everything, my mood was so unstable that i went to cry to smile in 5 min. Now i'm calm, i don't cry, i'm just a zombie like i said before, and i prefer this. I have to deal with too much stuff, i have to accept what happened to me. I don't know what to do, i'm desperate and i don't see a future for me. I find myself wondering about suicide too many times, but i can't leave by boyfriend and my parents just like that. They do not deserve this. So i sedate myself. That's all i can do. Maybe will be a day where i'll accept my life. Right know all i feel is anger, fear and regret.

    May god bless you.
    Julia

  23. #23
    3jag3 is offline Member
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    Julia, my daughter's best friend is transgender, but she's only a high school freshman so she can't have gender reassignment yet. She started getting hormones about two years ago or so. I am very close to her, and even when my daughter isn't around she will come over to my house to talk to me. I have seen her heartache, as well as her mother's, who I am also very close to. I have not walked in your shoes, but I have definitely seen up close the pain and challenges that a transgender person struggles with daily as I walk this path with my daughter's friend and her parents.

    I have to say your last post is somewhat contradictory. You say you're numb and a zombie, no emotions, but go on to say you have been thinking about suicide and right now you have anger, fear, and regret. That sounds like an awful lot of emotion. Do you have any support, locally or on-line, in the LGBT community?
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    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    deleted - swearing
    Last edited by ddcmod; 04-05-2014 at 04:55 AM.

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    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Julia,

    I appreciate you sharing this with us, as it helps to understand what you are going through. I do not doubt that your childhood pain was tremendous, and I would never want to minimize it. Working in the substance abuse field, it is not uncommon for me to hear of some horrendous histories in my clients - that seem almost insurmountable to overcome. I've had clients whose mother's prostituted them out as children, to pay for their drugs. And I've had so many clients with horrible repressed memories of childhood abuse, that only come to light after they stop the drugs. My closest friend is a woman I went through treatment with in 1989-90 - and, while in treatment, she came to experience some incredibly vivid flashbacks of sexual abuse from her 2 brothers. I never thought she could get past it, and feared she couldn't stay clean. Well, she is going to be celebrating her 25th anniversary of recovery in May, this year... and she couldn't be a more well-adjusted, happy woman today.

    Recovery from childhood pain IS possible, when we want it badly enough. It isn't easy, but it's beyond worth it. The way I look at it is this - if we continue to suffer in our adult life for what happened in our childhood, then we continue to be victimized by it. We are allowing our oppressors to win. They've gone on - and their lives have moved ahead, but we're still locked into that dark place from long ago. We do not have to stay there. In fact, the greatest "revenge" is overcoming it.

    "Zombie" is not living, hon. And eventually, the pills will no longer work. Our body builds up a tolerance to them, so that we need more and more to gain the same effect. Then, eventually, no amount of drugs will numb the pain. You deserve so much better. You have had the courage to go ahead with the surgery and dared to live your life free of your chains, and you deserve to ENJOY that freedom.

    I URGE you to go in-patient for the recovery process, and spend the time in a SAFE, supportive place, devoted to dealing with the underlying pain and anger that led you to seek relief from drugs. You don't have to go through this alone. If you do go, you will always have the option to return to drugs later - if my suggestion doesn't make things better. But I pray you'll give yourself a chance at a better life by trying. You are in my prayers, Julia.

    Hugs,
    Ruth
    Iwantoff2013 and lindenx like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  26. #26
    LeahMitchell is offline New Member
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    Hi Julia,

    I am in your exact situation and was wondering if you could provide us with an update on how you are doing? I have been on oxy for 5 years and it is the only thing that can even get me out of bed in the morning. I have no motivation without it and am a miserable person to be around when I am not on it. I have gotten off of it twice and did fine after several weeks of going through withdrawals but it is so hard to stay away from. It automatically puts me in a better mood, gives me energy and makes me a fun person to be around. I become even more depressed when I stop taking it and just lay on the couch ALL day and cannot get up to do anything, even eat. Its a terrible way to live. Let me know how you are doing.

    Leah

  27. #27
    JohnDoses is offline Banned
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    Jun 2014
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    Hey Leah,

    You posted on a old thread, just letting you know, but if you want to start your own new thread, you should. If you are serious about quitting there are people here who can help you in many ways and provide you with guidance to a sober life. Give it some thought, almost everyone here was/is in your situation right now.

    Take care,

    J

  28. #28
    JungleJulia is offline Junior Member
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    Hey there, unfortunately things are just the same here... still addicted and still obsessed with opiates. I tapered in the last weeks so I'm at 80mg x day instead of 200mg. Recently my dr refused to prescribe me oxy, so I had to buy it online. My life is so messed up right now that opiates are the only thing that keeps me alive. I'm suffering and hurting from the day I was born: wrong body, poor family and subsequent depression. Thank god I've found a way out to this hell they use to call LIFE, and I really don't care what could happen. All I know is that to quit you really have to want it and right now, I'm far far away from want it.

    Julia

  29. #29
    lindenx is online now Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by JungleJulia View Post
    Hey there, unfortunately things are just the same here... still addicted and still obsessed with opiates. I tapered in the last weeks so I'm at 80mg x day instead of 200mg. Recently my dr refused to prescribe me oxy, so I had to buy it online. My life is so messed up right now that opiates are the only thing that keeps me alive. I'm suffering and hurting from the day I was born: wrong body, poor family and subsequent depression. Thank god I've found a way out to this hell they use to call LIFE, and I really don't care what could happen. All I know is that to quit you really have to want it and right now, I'm far far away from want it.

    Julia
    Julia,it takes a while to "want" life on life's terms. I hate to say this, but it is kind of the truth. I can't urge you enough to start going to AA/NA/CDA to find people who have been to H**l and found their way back. It is not an easy journey, but many make it and can help.

    ~Lindy

  30. #30
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    Jul 2014
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    Julia, the opiate messes with your pituitary adrenal axis - that is, all your hormones. To be a happy transgender person (or any person), you need your hormones to be straightened out and if you were to quit the oxy today it would take a while.

    But I recommend you find a really good endocrinologist who specializes in transgender and see if they can tweak your hormones. Whatever regime you are on, there are other options and it may be time for a re-evaluation. If I were you I would find the best doc you can and then be honest with them about your situation and see if you can taper off the oxy while working to re-balance your hormones gradually.

    I hear you saying you are massively unhappy without the oxy. You seem unable to let the oxy go without some sort of alternative solution on the horizon. You really need that. Hormones have EVERYTHING to do with our mood, energy and happiness.

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