[helpless101]

Hello,
I have never commented on anything like this. I figured better now than ever. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. I dated by boyfriend for almost 2 years. He was always kind and wonderful to me. I knew initially that he smoked pot, which isn't my thing, b/c I am pretty straight edge, but i dealt with it. I drink from time to time so I figured to each their own.
We had a long-term-ish relationship, saw each other mostly on the weekends.
Then I started to learn that he smoked pot all of the time and daily.
A few months into the relationship I learned that he was TAKING PILLS. I never knew much about this stuff or how bad it was, pretty naive to these things. Having said that, months went by and over the past few months he said he was getting worse and he was taking more, so on and so forth.
I told him he needed to try to stop, he said he would, and he tried 3 or four times and it didn't work, or last long.
A few weeks ago I told him that I couldn't deal with the ups and downs anymore, it really has been so hard on me...he said he would try to stop for me and i said No you have to stop for you! he also said he doesn't like who he is, not on the drugs. So anyway, I said we should split up, but I miss him so much. I know that nothing would get better though, if he didn't want it to. I just love him and miss him terrible, and feel so many differerent emotions at once.
Any insight?


sorry it was so long!

[Lost83]

Helpless101,

I think you did the right thing. In order for an addict to stop using he or she has to hit their bottom and by setting your boundaries and splitting with him, he is suffering a consequence because of his addiction. That may just be one of the consequences he needs to suffer before he realizes he needs help and actually reaches out for it. You say you are naive but I think you are smart, not to stand by and watch someone you care about destroy their life because he doesn't want to get help, he doesn't like the person he is when he isn't high and you don't like the person he is when he is high. It's tough but believe it or not you are helping him by refusing to accept his behavior. It may not seem like it but in my opinion, I think you did what was best.

[helpless101]

thank you...

any other insight!!!

[helpless101]

nobody can reply

[Eha1215]

Hey helpless,
Would've replied earlier but I usually just get on once a day these days. I've gone through something similar...I know how you feel it's very difficult when you love an addict. But I believe that what Lost said is right. It seems sometimes that you've gotta let go so that the addict finds his own way. Once there's no one there they start taking responsability and thinking about their life. That's kind of what happened to my ex...we've been over for the past four months and just recently talked again, and during that time period it seems he figured things out for himself and is doing something for himself. Unfortunately he still hasn't completely quit... he was more so into that frame of mind to of "to each their own" so he figures that as long as he's doing something with his life it's okay to get high here and there. Four months back he was smoking weed EVERY DAY 24/7 but it looks like ever since he figured himself out a little he only does it a couple times a week. It's still not great (which is why I wont get back together with him) but at least he respects my boundaries. I will tell you what my priest told me at the time I found myself in the same spot as you... sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.

[helpless101]

Hey all,
just figured I would post about how my ex called me...convo went something like this....
him saying, i don't know if you think i will call you one day and be better...its not gonna happen like that, esp. if i don't have you, then i don't have much of an incentive..
i mean hello, that is a LOT of pressure to put on me.
i stood my ground and said i would talk to him, i just can't right now, but in time.
this really pushed me back quite a few steps in my growth, it really did.
like i said, he needs to do this for him, not for me, if he does it for me, he just won't last with it...

ugh..i miss him

[bev49]

helpless, that is such a blantant major manipulation, it ain't funny. Talk to Lost... She's been there done that. He's obviously trying to switch the script, turn things around, and put a guilt trip on you. Look at the bottom of Lost's post "I didnt cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it". It's so true. His incentive for cleaning up should be getting you back. No actually his incentive should be because he doesnt want to be a drug addict pillhead. Thats the only way anything will work anyway. Do not fall for the manipulation. Tell him you love him but you can't fix this for him. He's gotta fix it for himself then hop;efully you can work out your relationship.

[Eha1215]

Helpless,
Despite the fact that you miss him and you feel the pressure (I can totally relate) I'm glad that you do recognize one thing...he needs to do this for himself period. Like bev49 said it's manipulation... my ex ultimately wants me to accept his behavior but sh!t that's not really fair to me. I would be with him and the feelings are there but it would upset me if he was all high or using all the time or in front of me! So in the end I wouldn't be happy either way...and well sometimes it's better to be temporarily unhappy by ourselves than be unhappy WITH someone... at least when you're not in a relationship you eventually move on and get over it but if you're with the person you're not gonna get over it and you'll STILL be unhappy. Just my opinion...
Trust me that he'll be A-ok.... don't let him make you feel like he'll be all down in the dumps and lost because you're not in his life as is gf. That's straight up manipulation... sure he misses you and will keep missing you but it's not fair to you. You said yourself that the drug use is not something you're ok with, that it's just not something you're into. Trust me that life goes on and you eventually get over a person. You can learn to love from a distance...in time if it's meant to be things will fall into place. I feel like you know what you want for yourself and as much as it hurts you're still pretty set on your decision so I definately give you props on that because I wasn't set on my decision...things just played out for the better (thank God) and he chose to ignore me for months. If he would've told me what your ex is telling you I would've probably felt guilty and taken him back!!! (yep I was that confused and in pain). Anyways I hope you figure things out and make decisions based off of what's best for YOU.

[kathleen5hockey]

Please stand your ground. Addiction is a long and hard road. You were just dating. It's always someone elses fault. The addict in my family is my daughter, a little different from a bf. Listen to Lost, she really understands what you are going thru. Don't give up your life to addiction. Good luck.

I was a pill addict too, I lied and kept my addiction a secret from my wife, kids, family, everyone. One thing I learned is you have to want to help yourself. Yes I got off the pills for lots of reasons, family, work, health, etc... but in reality until you admit the problem and find the strength and it takes an awful lot of strength and determination to beat this deamon you will not stop. Your former bf is now getting a sample of the consequences of his addiction, maybe that will cause him to find that strength, when and if he does perhaps you can help support him as a friend.
Until then he must learn and yes even suffer. Pehaps you can let him see your posts in here, read some of our stories and join us, that may help him along the road to recovery.

Best wishes and keep us posted.

[rogjah]

Originally Posted by Lost83

Helpless101,

I think you did the right thing. In order for an addict to stop using he or she has to hit their bottom and by setting your boundaries and splitting with him, he is suffering a consequence because of his addiction. That may just be one of the consequences he needs to suffer before he realizes he needs help and actually reaches out for it. You say you are naive but I think you are smart, not to stand by and watch someone you care about destroy their life because he doesn't want to get help, he doesn't like the person he is when he isn't high and you don't like the person he is when he is high. It's tough but believe it or not you are helping him by refusing to accept his behavior. It may not seem like it but in my opinion, I think you did what was best.

I don't think it can be said any better than this. Excellent post.

[helpless101]

Hello all,
so i just posted on my facebook that i got a great opportunity that i applied for. i got a message in my inbox from my ex saying, congrats i am happy to hear that, hope you are doing better, would you like to to talk sometime?

This yet again, pushes me back. Yes i am standing my ground, but of course i do want to talk to him ugh...

I think i will just say that i will talk to him but i need some more time... should i say something more, to reinforce my strong feelings about him needing to get better, should i say nothing?

what do you think?

[Eha1215]

Leave the reinstatement of him needing to get better alone...it's better when you just don't talk about these things. He already knows what you need and what you are and are not cool with. Just tell him you need more time...that's just my opinion though.
Good luck!

[Lost83]

helpless101,

He is playing you point blank. I know you want to talk to him but realize that if you do most if not everything that comes out of his mouth is bs. Talk is cheap, I know that's so cliche but it's true, in the naranon world they call it "quacking". Unless he stops making excuses and takes responsibility for himself and his actions there is no chance of him taking recovery seriously. It's sad, really sad, the odds are against him, I am just being honest. If you stand your ground and he values his life, and others around him refuse to enable him, there is a much better chance that he will come around sooner than later. He has to hit his bottom, the more consequences he suffers because of his addiction NOW the better the odds are that he will hit his bottom before it's too late.

PS congrats on the opportunity!

[Eha1215]

I agree with Lost... and you might really want to mean it and take your time and not pick up the phone calls or things like that. I had 4 months of not talking going and then I picked up 3 weeks ago and it was the same old bs. Poor guy didn't know what he wanted still and pulls and pushes me away which I can't lie it sort of hurts still. Talk really IS cheap. Then there's times that they just REALLY begin to push you away because of what you represent...because you make them think and realize things they don't want to think or realize. For the time I had no contact he began to do well for himself... he cut back a bit. But he still has his addiction and I realize that if I don't go back to no communication he'll just go back to using on a daily basis again. Goes to teach me lol...we live and we learn though. Like I told you...sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let go and let him figure things out alllll by himself. In the meantime, just do you...things get better. I promise :-)

[helpless101]

hey all, thanks to your continued responses i really appreciate it.
soooo i wrote back to him saying, "thanks, i just need time, like i had said, but if you need anything you know where i am.
i just hope you are doing well",
he wrote back in the same day saying...(in response to the shows i got into)
"care to give me any more info on the shows? What happened? Don't gotta call me if you still don't wanna talk, but I would like to know about the shows"

its like...i can't keep talking to him..phone or email, you know? i need complete cut off from him for the time being, which apparently he isn't getting....

keeping away from him is almighty difficult!

[Lost83]

Stay strong!

[Lost83]

Boardrider,

I have not read any of your other posts other than the ones on this particular thread and I suggest that you not condone even recreational use of any drugs especially to those of us living with loved one's in addiction. Please post your comments regarding recreational use elsewhere because that is the last thing people coming to this site for support need to hear when their loved one is the addict.

This man is not a recreational user, he is an addict and he needs help, your advice is irrelevant at this point and I hope you heed my suggestion and not continue your banter on this thread.

[Lost83]

Originally Posted by boardrider239

i AM AN adict, I am going coean soon as this supply runs out.

There is a major problem with the statement above, you have no right advising someone on how to deal with their loved one when you are still using.

[helpless101]

yea that comment from boadrider threw me off before but i didn't agree with what was said, so i looked past it.

it's odd, because i got cast in some shows, have rehearsals going on, have work, and yet have been feeling down and not enthusiastic about these things going on in my life. I guess i was so used to having my ex there for everything and now that he isn't, it's pretty hard.
i'm kinda just going through the motions during the day which sucks.

i'm also having a diff time to bring myself to write back to him that i am serious about no comm...but i will do it...

[Eha1215]

I hope you find the strength to do it...I know it's very difficult :-(
And I understand where you're coming from with not feeling enthusiastic at all... but counseling really helps some people and so does Al-anon. After some time you wont be feeling so down anymore. Things wont be 100% great...but you start getting used to it and emotions get better. Just keep doing what you're supposed to do even if you don't feel like it...you'll be ok after a while. Take care...keep posting!

[helpless101]

hey all, i do have some more to update but need time to gather my thoughts...hope all is well with everyone

[helpless101]

hey all, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. For a while, it was the same old....then his sister emailed me and told me that he was still and mess and was doing badly with the pills and she was really upset about it (she herself takes some stuff once in a while, so i didn't think she could help him much). anyway she said she missed me and felt i was probably better off.

about 10 days went by and she sent me another email telling me she was sooo happy about the fact that they had a fight a few days ago and then he had a breakdown and talked with her, and he has been soooo well. He is on the right track. so i decided to send him an email on facebook.
(though i was wondering the whole time if he really could just have stopped like that and be better when he was having trouble stopping before) and apparently he was asking his sister how i was and blah blah blah

so i went to his facebook to write a message....
and when i went to his page i saw that a girl posted a message about how her hot friend wanted to meet him and i freakkked out. i was so suprised to see how upset i was to see that he could maybe be with someone else.
so i sent him a rather passive aggressive email and then he sent one back to me and instead of dealing with that i decided to call him yesturday.
Needless to say, i was upset and didn't hold my composure too well, but told him i was sorry i freaked out and that the fact of hearing that he was better made me have feelings of thinking about us being together again and that that shook me up. I basically ended saying, maybe someday down the line, but right now i need to work on me and he needs to work on him.

It just really hurts, because i was starting to deal with it, when i knew he was in bad shape. But him being in a possible good shape makes me think of him again and it really messes with my head. I love him and miss him and get sick if i think of him being with anybody else. However; i really don't know if i can believe that he IS better, i read things on here about people married to addicts and how it could be better off not to get involved being that i am young, but i can't help my feelings for him.

i don't know if i can believe he is better
and if he is, will it stay that way?
advice???

[Eha1215]

Hey helpless....long time! was wondering when you would post...
I'm going to give you my input and you can take it or leave it and please do not think I'm judging...I'm going off of my own personal experience.
If you remember a few weeks ago when you started posting I was going through that same situation...the ex was "doing better" seemed to have his stuff straight...was still using but "not as much" etc etc. I too felt curious to see what it was all about, if it was really true, and the hope of seeing my old ex back set me off to contact him and see him.
Needless to say, when I was with him it sounded like the old him, it seemed like the old him, but in my heart I KNEW nothing had changed. These good days for them are only temporary, in the long run they get caught up in some sort of problem consequence of their drug use. Their behavior is only nice and sweet for a little bit, then the crazyness starts again. They can put up an act and lie so well, convince you (which of course if you love him you'll totally want to buy it and be blinded by your love) etc. Anyways, in the end no contact was best for ME. He hasn't changed....maybe he will someday...maybe he can keep a job and go to school like he does but in the end his behavior, his need to use is greater than any love for anyone and his actions and behavior will be hurtful. I was miserable the entire year that I followed the don't ask don't tell policy with him. We were together but we might've as well not have been. To him the drugs come first, period.
In the end, he will try to have it his way. He will try to convince you to do things his way because they want their whole cake and eat it. It's totally up to you if you want to try, but regardless of it being a break up because he does drugs or not when you go through a break up you will always feel that anxiety, curiosity and mix of emotions after it. You have to be strong and go through them. It's okay to feel that way...it gets better with time.
If you're willing to accept the drug use, then go and be with him. But don't lie to yourself... nothing in life has a real magic quick fix. These things take time...
From what I've learned with drug addiction, (the ex went to rehab and all a while back) it doesn't just go away. People with addictions usually need some sort of program to adhere to and lots of support and they still often relapse (the ex did and then admitted he didn't really want to quit lol) and they only get sober and stay sober if they REALLY want to and they admit to having a problem. My ex said he wanted to quit....but later confessed he only did it so I wouldn't leave him. He went through the rehab program to "fake it" for a while then went right back to using behind my back. It was a horrible experience... I am young and had just begun college and I wasn't happy at all even though we were together. I don't know about you but that's just not fair to people like us that have been there and ask for honesty. Now I've learned to understand it all, and it's because drugs come first that this goes down. Deep inside they don't mean to but they do it to in a way survive in the kind of life they have... they don't want to lose people they love but they're unwilling to give up the drug. It's a disease....

[kathleen5hockey]

I have found that loving an addict is tough. The hardest thing is the lies. My daughter was flying on heroin this weekend, denied it to my face. Pin eyes and all. They know WE want to believe. Until they stop the lies I don't think they can get better. It's a hard life loving an addict.

[GBAnon]

Just in addition to what Kathleen was saying, yes, it is very, VERY hard to love an addict. The love comes easy, we love them for the person we know they can be were they not in the throws of addiction. It's the pain that they are able to cause us thru that love that will really get you down after awhile. We love them so much we're just the easiest to hurt!

The lying wasn't the hard part for me. He didn't lie to me (about his use anyway), but he was constantly lying to everyone else, and so, to keep up his facade, I also had to become a co-conspirator. I had to lie to cover up his lies, I had to lie to keep him well, I had to lie to cover up the lies i told to cover up his lies. Lying comes naturally after awhile. But what hurts is that, in loving them, and enabling them, you become an active party to their addiction, rather than a passive one. It's almost as bad as being the addict yourself, maybe worse because you don't get the benefit of the drug! (Hopefully. *cough*)

And it HURTS. It hurts to see them killing themselves. It hurts to be number one MOST of the time. Until they need drugs again, of course, then you're another tool to implemented in their next scheme to feed their habit. It hurts because you can end up trading your life for theirs, and that's exactly what it felt like for me. I no longer had my own life, I was taking care this addict, this child, this baby, who needed my constant care and attention. It's no way to be in a relationship. None at all.

You did the right thing. My advice to you is to stick to your guns. Don't go back to him. Yeah, it'll hurt, but I promise, being with an addict will hurt more. There's no point in wondering "what if." Plenty of people on this board have already been there and done that, so thru our experiences, you know the "what if" without having to live it yourself.

[helpless101]

hey all thanks for your replies.
i am sticking with the no-contact and giving myself time and space and trying to get through the lonliness.

[Eha1215]

Good luck helpless...post whenever you feel you need support this forum is great!
After time you'll be emotionally stronger and perhaps you can be there for him as a friend or be able to handle to talk to him here and then. The ex calls me sometimes when he wants advice or just to talk. He says I'm the only person he knows would listen and tell him things how he really needs to hear them. After time goes by things get easier...it doesnt mean that they quit..that will only happen when they want to, but you can learn to care and love for them without hurting yourself or your life. I think it all depends on how you feel after time has gone by. Time is key here in determining how things go. Just be strong and patient. Hard to do but it must be done sometimes!

[helpless101]

hey all,
so i am recovering from this terrible flu-like sickness i've had this past week, which kept me home from work and my busy schedule went from busy to bed-rest. which in turn became....mind wanders constantly sooo i have been thinking more about the ex and everything and missing him, finding myself crying, and i haden't really been doing that so much, when i was busy. I guess i felt that writing here would be helpful for me. I know all the negatives of dating him and everything, but when i'm bored and lonely boy oh boy do i want him there beside me again, b/c i do love him and miss him. I get mad at myself for thinking of the good times and how much he loves me when he pops back into my head as opposed to the drugs and all the terrible things.
I also find myself looking at guys more often, which is terrible, I know! Or at least, I think it is? I am in no way ready to date someone, cause helllo i love someone else, whom i can't be with! I just think that in the back of my mind a guy could be a nice distraction though probably an unhealthy one. Wow i feel like i am in a soap opera.
Anyway, I rambled.
I miss him. That's the jist of it....

[kathleen5hockey]

You will always have a special place in your heart for him. Leave it at that. Looking at guys is normal and fun! My age group is not as fun tho. Anyway, we all have the one love that got away. Look to your future.