[Eha1215]

I agree with Kathy! I still feel like you do sometimes helpless...and I've been apart from the ex for 6 months now... I know now that I'll always love and care for him...but in the end I wouldn't have been happy with him doing what he does. The good times were from when he wasn't on the drugs... recent times were sad and painful for me. I knew what he was doing to himself and all the constant lying and taking me for granted. I wouldn't have been happy with him being like that... I wouldn't have been happy knowing the person I love the most was hurting himself and becoming someone I barely recognized as compared to who I met and fell in love with. I guess if you have a lot of time for mind-wandering try to think about that... it just wouldn't have been the same. You still wouldn't have been happy with him around. They're only nice for a little bit then it goes back to the same old thing. Don't get mad at yourself...it's completely normal how you're feeling. Just try to see the bigger picture and know that it's ok to be alone and learn more about yourself. And who said you had to be in a relationship so soon? get to know other people and date...but it doesn't have to be a relationship per se... get in touch with your friends and family. Only time can get you feeling better...so feel your feelings and try to make the best of your day. I treasure the good times I had with my ex and I smile about them now...no one can take that away from me...not even the drugs.

[drew4]

Hello,

I want to tell u my story as I went thru this too but I am the bf or I should say ex.

My gf also told me to stop and I said I would stop for her but that didn’t work bc like mentioned earlier "I needed to stop for me first and foremost for it to really work"... I have mixed feelings about leaving ur bf; meaning I think that leaving may make him realize that he hit the bottom and just lost his gf over it but on the other hand that may cause him to get depressed and that would just be another excuse to go out and use (to all those out there understand that we would make any excuse to justify why we should use; i.e its raining out, I got in a argument with a friend, I got a flat tire, pretty much anything u can think of addicts can and do think of reasons as to why they r going to use)

In my situation my gf really wanted to me to quit and I tried several times but never was successful (again the key was I never REALLY wanted to stop for me).

What did help was talking to my gf; first I admitted I had a problem and needed help! then my gf told me to tell my parents as they can really be there to help and support you; also they should know as they have done so much for you that its the least you can (by the way his parents probably have an idea that something is going on but may not be able to pinpoint that their son is taking pills).

So my gf gave me a deadline meaning if I didn’t tell my parents by X day that she was going to. So I agreed that I would tell my parents!!!! So telling parents helped me get it off my chest, helped me bc they were relieved to know what it was that was going on but more importantly they were such great support/encouragement! It was the hardest thing I have probably ever done (telling my rents) but was the best thing now that I did it.

my gf has a good relationship with my sister and she actually called my sister and told her; so if u don’t want to go to his parents but have an older sister or brother of his that u can go talk to and see if the two of u want to tell his parents together if he says he will not. This way u can see what his bro or sister think about telling the rents or maybe the bro or sister can help him without telling the rents. In my opinion and from my experience telling my parents was with out a doubt the best thing I ever did. Note when I told my rents I already went to the doctors and had my script for subs so it showed my rents that I was serious and already taking steps to beat this.

One last thing that I would have not done if I didn’t tell my rents bc my mom told me that my church has a counselor that I can schedule a meeting with; which I think is very helpful as I can talk to someone that is there to help and is not related or connected to me in any way. Also, it is free bc I am part of the parish which is great bc one on one counseling can be very expense.

I hope this helps; please don’t hesitate to ask me as many questions as u need to as I was in ur ex bf shoes

Good luck

[helpless101]

Hey drew,
i understand what you are saying, and if you read all my posts you would see that i did talk to his sister whom i am close with, and she was telling me he wasn't doing well, and then a few weeks later told me he was doing better, but i didn't believe he could change just like that.
The biggest difference i am seeing in our situations, is that my ex seemed like he realllly didn't want to stop, he said that, and he didn't like him without drugs. So if i stuck with him after many failed attempts of him trying to stop, it wasn't doing anything, except really hurting me. We aren't talking at this point, but i hope that he can get himself together, at this point though, he doesn't really seem to want to. On the note of his parents, they are pretty messed up and super disfunctional themselves, so i don't think that would do anything.
thoughts?
are you still with your gf?
how are you doing?

thanks for the response

[helpless101]

Hey Eha1215 and Kathleen, thanks for all your continued responses i really appreciate it, i got a bit thrown of by the last comment by drew, which i completely appreciate and don't fault him at all whatsoever, but i feel a bit bad now about leaving him, looking at that response and everything, but i feel that the major difference, is my ex didnt want to stop, but of course now i am starting to wonder, if he is doing better, but i have no way of knowing, by not speaking with him, but speaking with him could be a mess.
this is very difficult.

[Eha1215]

I think that although drews response is valid and something that I thought about for a looooong time myself you should'nt feel bad about leaving because of the fact that like my ex your ex has been clear and told you that he doesn't want to stop. My ex also said he didn't like himself without the drugs (which is sort of creepy that yours said it too lol sometimes the similarities of things between my situation and that of other girls going through the same thing creeps me out lol). If he doesn't want to stop then he wont. And well...I think you've figured out that that's not something that you want so you wouldn't be happy. My ex is STILL on the drugs...and you know what? he never calls or anything...at first he wanted to keep in touch and kept trying to indirectly convince me to "accept" his habits and what not. I even went to the point of saying hey...I'm not gonna say anything about it just respect to not do it around me and he couldn't even do that. After a while I guess he figured I was gonna stand my ground and he kept doing his thing and never looked for me again. I can tell you that this guy HAD to have at least a little bit of feelings for me...we grew up together! everyone used to tell me all the time how much he loved me and what not. But guess what...the drugs are always first. You get stood up because "sorry babe I was on a baddd trip" or "I had to do someone a favor" and sometimes you worry and worry because he never called or he said he was gonna be there and he didn't show up only to find out that he was too high or he was real tired or really down or whatever. Bottom line is....until he WANTS to quit and get his stuff together the drugs will always come first...no matter how much you love him or he loves you. It definately becomes a mess...these type of things you just have to let go and let God.

[Eha1215]

P.S.- If he was doing better he would be looking for you or trying to find a way to let you know that in person, not in a sketchy way. Just to make things right with you and I think even after reaching sobriety and staying that way it takes years until the addict can really figure things out in his/her life and make decisions for themselves. I'm no expert though...just saying I've done my research ;-)

[helpless101]

Hey, I NEED SUPPORT AND FEEDBACK RIGHT NOW MORE THAN EVER.
Yesturday was absolutely terrible.
Feedback and even listening me to vent, i hope is helpful.
sry, its long. please please read.


~My ex called me while i was on the train in ny. I was heading into the city to see my friend. I answer his call, we haven't talked in a while. He says some small talk and then procedes to tell me that he is trying to move on. I question what he means by this and why he called me. He tells me he didn;t want me to find out about this otherwise, so he called me, to tell me that he is "talking" to a girl. Someone whom he has been friends with for a while. HE actually said, i kissed someone, yeah like i need to hear that! I get upset during this, crying on the train, ugh hem realllly uncomfortable. I tell him its only been two months of trying to deal with all of this and that i am no where near ready to date someone. He tells me that he is STILL taking pills, which i figured and HE TOLD THIS GIRL EVERYTHING!!!! and i guess she is okay with it or whatever. So that starts making me think about how much i actually ever meant to him if he could just push me aside when i was there to try to help him through this, when he claimed he LOVED ME SOOO MUCH. I said, I wonder how much you actually cared about me if you can just let us end and not work on us and fixing "himself" to go and be with someone else who i guess knows his habbits and its okay.
UGH and then he says back, well these past two months I DOUBTED IF YOU LOVED ME B/C YOU BROKE UP WITH ME INSTEAD OF STICKING BY ME AND HELPING ME... I DID TRY!!! i've written that here countless times before. I tried to help him and be there for him for months and it never lasted and he then said that he didn't want to stop the drugs. So of course i couldn't help if he doesn't want to stop. So after i said that...he kinda dropped that, like he agreed.
He told me that i am too good for him and blah blah blah and, i know he is still taking the pills and the fact that he has an addictive personality i truly feel that he is just moving on to the next thing or girl, because he doesn't actually ever deal with anything or his emotions or issues.

So in total, he is moving on or whatever and is still doing to drugs, YET i feel so hurt and feel like i loved him and put so much into him, and am learning he couldn't do the same for us or himself. I should see that i am probably better off, but right now, i so don't feel that way. I feel alone. Misserable. Upset, i miss him now and he will have something new and doesn't even care about me???

ugh idk
I am so lost...

[pobb]

personally, you should let him get on with it. There will be a time in his life when he will realise and regret what he has/or is doing, to himself and you.

You already said you were lookin at other guys, so why not get out there and meet up with them. Come on its been a while since you split and things obviously arent getting any better.

From my point of view, I reckon he felt pressured by you, and splitting up with him would just make him worse, its how the drugs work. Of course he is going to continue, hes lost someone he "loves", and all he knows now is drugs. There is no point in hanging about, even in emails and facebook.

If you cant be there for him, and you haven't trust me, because the arguing and pressure on him IS what is making him continue to misuse. Sure you think you thought you were doing the right thing, but there are special ways to deal with a partner on drugs. Which is educate yourself. Have you even asked him about the drugs, how it makes him feel, how he feels when he is sober, does he get withdrawal, all and more are important questions!

My cents worth, but just move on, as hanging about in the shadows is just going make this whole thing continue. for both of you. So what if he has moved on, perhaps the person he is with will kick his behind like you should have done. He will do it in his own time, just like I did for myself (ive not been in any serious relationship in years)

Youll get over him, but sitting being miserable isnt going to help in the long run, and saying he didnt care about you is just wrong and childish. However, venting on here is probably the best thing for you at the moment. Just like he uses drugs to vent.

I know sometimes a view from the other side is hard, but you have to understand there are times when people can only help you by opening your mind up a little more. If you arent stubborn, then my post should help at least, a little.

[htoth19]

Hey girl. I read your post. I know its hard. I went through something similar. But There comes a point that you really do see how much better off and happier you can be. I was with the guy for 4 years, and his drug habbit turned into beating the hell out of me...and even though I should have left right then, I didn't...out of fear I guess. But when I actually did, I realized I couldn't help him. Nobody could actually. And now, years later, I have found a much, much better man and I have a 1 year old daughter. And even though I still think of the other guy and wonder if he'll ever be okay, I know it wasn't worth it to stick it out any longer. I hear things from friends here and there, and he never changed. After I left all he did was blame all his problems on me, thinking that would make me come back. Accused me of never loving him, telling me I am taking life in general away from him and he will kill himself, blah blah. None of that ever happened. And he's exactly the same as when I left. He even tried to tell me he was with other girls and they cared about him more, but I heard the truth from a secret source, (his mom) and sure enough, he slept with one girl, to try and make me feel bad and blame myself, but she dropped his a$$ like a hot potato because he just wasn't worth the fight. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what you guy is doing to you know. It seems to me they all work the same, guys of that breed. LOL. Let me know how your feeling soon. I hope I can help.

~Heather

[helpless101]

to POBB,
i appreciate that you replied. But you haven't or maybe you have, read all my posts to see that i did try. So how dare you say i was childish in my feelings, and that i should have actually stuck by him and tried and asked him how is was feeling and about the drugs and everything. I DID ALL OF THAT, time and time again. I was there for him for sooo long, helping him through, and it would only work for so long and he would go straight back to his habbits. There was also only so much i could do when he said that he didn't want to stop. I love and care about him so much but there was nothing i could do if he didn't want to stop. So i was just talking about my emotions and feelings. I think you accusing me of not trying is just wrong and tactless in what i'm dealing with.

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by pobb

If you cant be there for him, and you haven't trust me, because the arguing and pressure on him IS what is making him continue to misuse. Sure you think you thought you were doing the right thing, but there are special ways to deal with a partner on drugs. Which is educate yourself. Have you even asked him about the drugs, how it makes him feel, how he feels when he is sober, does he get withdrawal, all and more are important questions!


I know sometimes a view from the other side is hard, but you have to understand there are times when people can only help you by opening your mind up a little more. If you arent stubborn, then my post should help at least, a little.

Helpless, don't pay any mind to this rubbish. There is nothing an addict likes more than to find someone else to blame for their drug use. The notion that you're to blame is ridiculous, and frankly offensive. Your boyfriend was using before you got together with him, he used throughout your relationship, and he is still using. He's an addict. It's not your fault in any way, but some of them sure love to point fingers.

The one comment I do agree with is that you need to close the book and move on. I know it's hard, but there simply isn't a possibility for you to have a relationship with this person. You need to let go. If you have to stop communicating with him altogether to make that happen, then that's what you should do. Getting into some meetings can help you, and you might seriously consider seeing a therapist to help get you through this. It might be useful for you to understand your involvement with your boyfriend, so you can avoid hooking up with another addict in the future. It can be a pattern, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to understand it and break it.

Take care,
Maisie

[newyorkgal]

Helpless, I agree with Maise and find Pobb's post offensive and ridiculous. An addict never stops because of another person. I have read your posts from the beginning and your boyfriend was a master of manipulation. You were there for him probably longer than you should have been but I understand wanting to feel like you did everything. It was not your responsibility to ask him how drugs make him feel or how he feels when sober or whatevcer it is Pobb says you should have done. It is YOUR BF'S responsibility to help himself. I have yet to see an addict stop for love. He will stop when he's ready. He is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty by telling you about this other girl who accepts his behavior. More power to her. She is either using with him or will see the down side of loving an addict soon enough. Either way, its not your problem. Get on with your life. You can and will do better. What Pobb said (other than advising you to move on) is total BS.

[Eha1215]

Dear Lord...this stuff seems to happen exactly the same to everyone that has an addict bf
that's exactly what happened to me...the usual it's your fault I have a drug problem and OH you don't love me because if you did you would've accepted me for who I am or helped me. Give me break...more than you already had...all the ******** you put yourself through to cope with and help the addict. It's all a big whatever to me... ex did the same exact thing...said the same exact thing but you know what? I stopped feeling guilty and ********y and wondering if I didn't try hard enough when I saw his life is the same old bs and mine gets better real quick if I try. Trust...you gotta cut communication...with him, his sister, and anyone and anything that will let you know how he is or what he's doing. Just forget it...even if somewhere in your heart you have the minimal last bit of hope that "love will prevail" (not to be harsh) A) he might not love you back B) you're so much better than this and C) too much has happened now that you really have to think if you can let go of the past and how much you've felt hurt for that relationship to ever work again. Let's not forget D) he needs to be sober and stay sober. If it's meant to be somehow in time the circumstances will play out for all the above to be overcome, but since that's not the case right now I really think (just my opinion) that for sure you need to rip this guy out of your heart. Make it your goal...trust with time you will feel so much better and actually happy. But u gotta go thru a little bit of suffering cuz love just doesnt go away fast...

[kathleen5hockey]

Oh Please, such bull coming from the mouth of an addict. First, men ALWAYS move on before women. Why? Who knows. Second, he told you he DOES NOT want to get clean. Did he tell the new girl? Who cares. She is either an addict or a glutton for punishment. DO NOT LET HIM GET TO YOU!!! The moment he heard you cry was a great moment for him. I have learned when you let them get to you it gives them power. Please get on with your life. Don't want to date? So what. Don't stop looking at the guys though, some are just wow! Move on.

[HenryNCBA]

Good evening all,
I know I am going to get trashed by the guys reading this but the truth is the truth so here goes. First before I start yes I am a guy. Last time I checked I was anyway To answer the last one first of why guys move on before women? Guys are wired differently from women. Completely different which I know that you know. Starting from the basics it has been scientifically proven that the female gender age for age is superior to the male gender not just emotionally but also physically. Sure guys are strong and things like that but that is not what we are talking about. That said a guy for the most part has emotions but it is based on different principles that a woman. A guy for example will think of their so called woman more of a possession rather than a life long mate. Prove it? That is simple. Give a male a reason to get upset and if another woman comes into the picture that he finds attractive many, not all, will bail taking the easy road. Part of it as pay back and retribution but also because the male ego is so very fragile and easily damaged. This new woman puts his ego back into perspective. Woman on the other hand will try and exhaust all possible angles before even considering moving on so it is only natural that you try and stick with a boyfriend that you are breaking apart from. Rejection in either case is a difficult thing to deal with. Don't let him con you into things by telling you that he is going to dive deeper into drugs because now he has nothing to live for. That is ********. If he doesn't have respect for himself and doesn't want to improve himself what in the world makes you think that there is a chance of a good future with him? There isn't unless he wakes up and does a major about face but for a male to change his character is about as close to impossible as you can get. It takes a very logical and pragmatic yet sensitve, considerate and compassionate male to do something like that and have you ever heard a male call themselves that? Drugs is a difficult factor in relationships. If your boyfriend doesn't admit he has a drug problem then there is no hope. If he does admit it and asks you for help instead of blurting out "I need to go to a drug clinic and get cleaned up" then that is a great start as he is including you in his recovery and is thinking of the "WE" instead of the "ME". Together you can conquer this but alone and just saying he needs to go to a drug clinic to me is just cheap talk. I am not saying every guy is like this now but on the whole most seem to be. My own feelings for something as this situation of leaving your boyfriend I would have to say that the final decision is yours to make but I will have to say this first and that is for you to take a small vacation away from him. Tell him you are so distraught by this mess that you can't think straight. That is the truth actually and be prepared for a whole slew of excuses and accusations. Don't fall for it and just put you foot down and tell him "how old are you? Do you want a future with me or not? If you are going to act this way I want no part of this so you can do what ever you want to yourself just do it without me. You need to choose either me or the drugs and that is final. If you choose me then if you ask me I will be glad to help you but if you chose to do this on your own well then I need the break". Take some time off so you can gather your thoughts. No male will like this and all of a sudden the gifts, the I love you's, the attention and promises will come out. My question to this is simple. If that is true then where was all this before this current situation started right? It should have been there and for no reason at all other than the fact that he loves you period. There shouldn't have to be a reason to express love for someone. It doesn't have to be a birthday, valentines, or what ever. Those are a given but just because. That said during this break will he clean himself up so he can say "hey look. I did it! Now I can concentrate on us!" Or is it going to be "oh poor me. You left me so I am so depressed blah blah blah". Come on now we are all grown up and not little kids here and he should be able to see that much. Again everyone is different and I am just giving one guys perspective of this situation so other opinions will vary greatly but I see no reason to stick it out if the relationship is falling apart and all your efforts are going into trying to save it mainly for yourself because you love him yet he is clinging on to his habit. Sure addiction is a tough nut to crack. I should know as I just got clean myself two days ago but that is no excuse to leave you out of the picture right? I mean you are supposed to be his number one in life right? Not number two behind drugs no matter what. The choice is difficult as emotions are at play here. Time will tell and take it's course on what will really happen. In the meantime take a break so you can think straight. Don't give in to his whims otherwise you will be right back where you started only a bit deeper. You are doing this not only for you but for him as well and if it doesn't work out the way you want it then well at least you have a head start. Time to act is now before this gets any deeper.
Just my opinion.
Good luck!

Henry

[helpless101]

Hey all,
I am doing at least a bit better than i was a few days ago when i posted.
Unfortunately though i just woke up from a dream with him in it that really upset me and put me in a real funk. Thanks for haunting my dreams too, buddy! ha. Anyway...i guess i just can't get over the fact, that he couldn't try to fix himself and try to work on us, but maintained his habbits and will date someone else instead, when he supposedly loved me sooo much.
Is it really something I can just not wrap by brain around because of his addiction? I can move on from him in time, sure. But i can't stop the hurt of feeling like what was i actually to him for those almost 2 years.

kelly clarksons new song-already gone- is like my new anthem.
"I love you enough, to let you go...."

[kathleen5hockey]

You have to stop thinking about this. I dated a guy yrs ago, actually lived with him and we were going to get married. Anyway, things didn't work out, I decided to move out and he decided to get a new woman before I left. Oh yeah, that really hurt. Heck, he couldn't even wait a week! Anyway, my point is, this stuff happens, drugs or no drugs. You cannot control your dreams, but the more you move on the less you will dream about him. I believe he cared for you while together. He has moved on. Thank God you have another chance for happiness.

[HenryNCBA]

Any sort of break up hurts but the way a male mind works is to so call fix the so called problem as soon as possible. This is what I was talking about of taking the easy way out. I am not saying a guy will transfer his heart felt feelings in an instant as we do have some feelings but it is easier for a guy to find a temporary replacement for his feelings and if another woman provides him with what he wants and it is easier to deal with her then he is there. Guys have a tendency to hide their feelings. I can't say if that is from upbringing or that so called image they are supposed to portray. I am not saying any of this is right just giving a male perspective of some things. Bottom line is you are way too good for him. I know you love him and that is understandable. Sometimes though in life things are just not meant to be and one way to look at things is to accept people how they are instead of hoping for them to change. If you like what you see then go for it. If not then run the other way. All too often people get into a relationship and expect the other one to change. That is near impossible unless both parties are mature enough to be able to sit down with a cup of coffee and have a B/S session with no emotional feelings attached in a defensive nature. This must be done with the understanding that it is for the "we" and not the "me" so it doesn't matter which one is right as both of you go with the right one. Where one is weak the other is strong and vice versa. Doesn't matter again if it is him or her as it is about the both of you together against the world and never at each other. To grow old together and enjoy life together sharing in both joy and being there for each other in sadness and being able to say on that fateful day we all meet to be able to look back and say "you know I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do but I have no complaints because I had you and I wouldn't want it any other way" then go in peace. Drugs is a nasty thing and once on it then as we all on this site know is very hard to get off of. One has to want to get off of it and I hate to say this but it doesn't matter if he loves you or not as he has to make that final decision. You are too good for him and there are many decent guys out there that would cut off their right arm for you so I know it is hard but try not to dwell so much on him. Consider him a life's progression and learn from what happened, hold him in that special spot in your heart forever, close that door to keep him in there and progress forward. If you look at that situation you were in could you honestly say that you would have wanted to be in that same situation 1 year, 5 years, 10 years from now? I think not which is why you are where you are today. Today you just need mend a broken heart which is worse than any detox that I can think of yet you will survive. Talk to friends, family, or whomever you find comfort in. Force yourself to go for a walk in the sunshine alone so you can just let your thoughts go where ever they may. Watch the little birds flitting about and the squirrels digging for nuts they buried then scratch themselves as if to say "now where did I put that thing?" Life has a beauty all it's own that you would never have seen had you stayed in that circumstance and right now you have started your healing process. You can make it and you will. You have a very happy and bright future ahead of you and although you may not feel like it right now it will come. You know it will too but the emotional mind is a tough cookie to convince.
Hang in there. You will be just fine.

Henry

[Brandy_37]

Henry,
You sound very sure in your advice. Need to talk going through the same thing with my bf. Please contact me.

[HenryNCBA]

Originally Posted by Brandy_37

Henry,
You sound very sure in your advice. Need to talk going through the same thing with my bf. Please contact me.

Hello Brandy,
Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your BF. I take it that he is on some sort of drugs and you are having a tough time dealing with his moods and things and feel like you are being used and on the receiving end of deception?

Henry

[Brandy_37]

Originally Posted by HenryNCBA

Hello Brandy,
Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your BF. I take it that he is on some sort of drugs and you are having a tough time dealing with his moods and things and feel like you are being used and on the receiving end of deception?

Henry

Yes! That is how it is exactly! I am definately having a tough time with his moods. It's crazy I dont know when he is going to have a temper or when something I say pisses him off when I didnt even think it was a bad thing to say. He has been taking pain pills for about 6 or 7 years from what I know. I dont think it was as bad as it is now though. We have been toget4 years and I found out about the third year. He has tried to quit before but did not succeed and I think the reason being was because 'he' did not really want to. I am here to support him 110%. I love him so. But I also know I can not do it for him. He would rather not talk about it much because I'm guessing he feels disappointed or ashamed. He's thinking of going and staying with someone to get clean. He plans on going till he feels goodor estimated time maybe three weeks. He doesnt want to make it too long because he does not want to lose his job. He is a wonderful person, the pills I feel are just little demons that need to be rid of before they destroy his life and he loses everything and everybody in it who cares. This is such a hard thing for the addicts I'm sure, I cant even imagine what it is like to be addicted to such an addicting drug or go through withdraws, my prayers are out to everybody who is caught in it. But it's also hard for the one's that love them. He seems to not see sometimes how much it hurts me. I have thought about leaving,but I do want to support him and be the 'we' that can conquer this. Pills have made money issues for him and so much more that is just not worth it. Cold Turkey is the he is going to take if he goes away for a while. I feel it is best but I have heard and read it is dangerous. Do you recommend? Do you suggest the Thomas recipe? Thanks for any feedback!

[HenryNCBA]

Originally Posted by helpless101

Hey all,
I am doing at least a bit better than i was a few days ago when i posted.
Unfortunately though i just woke up from a dream with him in it that really upset me and put me in a real funk. Thanks for haunting my dreams too, buddy! ha. Anyway...i guess i just can't get over the fact, that he couldn't try to fix himself and try to work on us, but maintained his habbits and will date someone else instead, when he supposedly loved me sooo much.
Is it really something I can just not wrap by brain around because of his addiction? I can move on from him in time, sure. But i can't stop the hurt of feeling like what was i actually to him for those almost 2 years.

kelly clarksons new song-already gone- is like my new anthem.
"I love you enough, to let you go...."

Helpless101,

First and foremost. Don't let any guy fool you into thinking that they never loved you or think for a second that he pushed you aside just like that and you meant nothing to him for the 2 years you were with him. That said a guy will say and do many things to try and so call defend himself when in fact there is nothing to defend against. This meaning he is the root of this problem not you. Don't ever blame yourself for what happened. You were right, you were trying to help matters, you were trying to help him, you were trying to help the relationship, do you see where I am getting at? I am saying "you" because that is the truth of the matter. If it was him he would be clean and be with you right? There is no question about that. I know for sure I will get bashed from some guys out there but here goes. Many times if you look closely you will see guys following certain patterns. We are all creatures of habit and if you think about it you will see this true. You go to work the same way. Come home the same way. Brush your teeth the same way. You get the picture. Habits are the same way as it is ingrained into our persona and we follow a set program that we laid out for ourselves and you will find yourself doing things this way many times without thinking about it. So moving on a guy has certain characteristics that are very predicable. Before I continue I have to say this that "THIS IS NOT ALL GUYS. JUST MOST OF THEM!" Hopefully that will not get me bashed too hard. Anyway a male becomes complacent very quickly. What do I mean? Let’s take for example the simple words of "I love you". In the beginning you will hear him say this many times. When the so called honeymoon is over it becomes farther and fewer between. Only when there is an issue and he fears losing you does it come out again. Otherwise how many times can you think of when he looks you straight in the eyes and says those three words for no reason other than just because? Think about it. This is the first phase which is complacency. Males don't like change. We guys tend to think that everything is fine when there is no argument going and when one starts we get defensive and try and turn things around first by claiming it is being dealt with and if that doesn't work then the mind bending games of trying to twist things around to make you feel guilty and as if you are the one causing all the problems. Sound familiar so far? After this come the accusations along with anger and finally the threats. When all else fails and you are walking out the door does the little boy come out and the macho ego gets tossed out the window but by then many times it is too late and it should have never gotten to that point in the first place. Females and males are wired differently. I am not saying any of this is right but just giving a male perspective of things as I have nothing to hide nor gain by telling the truth, my opinion anyway, and that women tend to live in the realistic moment where as guys tend to live in the thoughts of the moment. How does this affect you? It hurts you from all angles. Not just by the fact he is destroying himself but also it hurts you because he is blaming you for his troubles meaning he is trying to lay that guilt trip on you. Don't fall for it. It is a ploy. You are an intelligent woman so think about this. If it were true then why is he in this mess? See what I mean here? Ivan Pavlov's theory of conditioned response. A researcher on behavior of conditioned response did the thing with the bell, food, and dogs. He would ring the bell before every feeding. He found after a while that every time he rang the bell the dogs would start drooling in anticipation of food even if it didn't come. That is conditioned response. This ties in to your ex in regards to he is used to blaming others for his own screw ups. Most guys, again not all guys, are like this. Why? I can't say for sure but it has a lot to do with what is expected of guys by society and in general much more with our ego which as you well know is quite fragile. Regarding your 2 years I have no doubt in my mind your ex loved you and the fact that he called you to tell you his latest escapade tells me he is still hurting over you and wanted to lash back at you to make you hurt just as he feels you made him hurt. AGAIN DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! No one likes rejection especially a guy. In one of my other posts here I wrote that a guy will take the easy way out and if another woman is in the picture and he likes her it is a big boost to his ego and he WILL flaunt this just so he can smear it into you. I know it is ugly and it is not right but again I am just giving my opinion of how our minds work. I am not saying it is right by far. Now that he has your attention and he has hurt you he will prance around like nothing is wrong all the while hoping you will contact him just so he can rub it in even more. What most males hate is being ignored. The less you speak or have contact with him the more he doesn't like it. Why? Again this goes back to this insipid ego of ours. What does it prove other than being an idiot? Nothing really but waste of everyone’s time and getting people upset which believe it or not is what he looks for. This is where that saying of misery Loves Company came from. As Kathleen5hockey stated you can not control your dreams and she is dead on with her suggestions. I know it hurts to move on but move on you must. I am willing to bet that 5 years from now you will be settled down, happy with someone else, and may run across this ex and he will still be doing the same thing albeit in much worse physical and mental state. He has got to be the one to want to get out of this mess and you said he doesn't want to so it should be left at that. He made the choice not you. Again I know it hurts but unfortunately in life there are many things we can not have as it is just not meant to be. On the other hand now that you are free from the chains he wrapped around you now you are free to do as you please. Take what happened as a good learning experience and use that knowledge to move forward for all this is just a progression in life. Easier said than done but a guy will tell you in a macho sense "chalk it up to another bump in the road" so my suggestion as harsh as it may sound is to use their own ******** against them and do just that.
Hope this made sense.

Henry

[HenryNCBA]

Hi Brandy,
Last one first. The Thomas recipe is a good way to go C/T. C/T is not an easy thing to do though and from the sounds of it that if he tried to quit before but was not able to then he may be better off with a sub taper. Several things need be addressed first though and first and foremost is you need to know where you stand with him. Yes I know you love him very much and I am sure he loves you too but again he is the one that will need the want to get off the drugs no matter what. You will need to sit him down and have a heart to heart chat with him. Make it known that you will not tolerate any sort of defensive combativeness from him because you are trying to help him because you love and care about him. You will find out where you stand at this point because if he doesn't want to talk about it then I am afraid that he is putting his habit before you and unless you want to spend your life with an addict and all the negative things that comes with that you best prepare to possibly move on. I don't mean to sound harsh but I am just saying it like it is. If he is genuine about his relationship with you he will ask for your help. Whether it is C/T or a sub taper will have to be his decision as only he knows how he really feels. His moods are governed by how he is feeling. I am sure that after a couple hours of taking his pain meds he is fun, generous, loving right? After it wears off a bit that ugly bear comes out of his cave right? Well that is the drugs warping his mind and I am sure he knows this also but again he has got to be willing to fight this NOW otherwise it will be a hit and miss deal at the very best. Too early to tell for sure what the outcome will be. My suggestion is to first sit him down for a true one on one talk. Let him know that there will be no anger tolerated. You don't need to hear it and besides it will just be B/S at that point. Tell him that you want to know and hear from his lips what his plans for both of your futures are. Don't take "let me think about it" for an answer as that is a stall tactic. If he truly loves you and knows deep in his heart he will know that answer darn quick. If the answer is to your liking then ask him if he wants your help. In a way I hate to say this but this is also a test to see how committed he is. If he says yes then he is committed most likely. If he says something to the effect of "no I don't want to bother you with this. I got myself into this mess so I will get myself out of it". Do not take that for an answer. That just means that he is stalling for time and will dwell upon it on his own clock not the both of your time tables. He will deal with it when he feels like dealing with it. At that point let him know that if he wants to do this on his own then you want to see some proof that he is actually working on it. If he asks you if you are putting him on trial tell him "look honey. We have been together for 4 years now. Don't you think you can trust me by now? Haven't I proved to you that I love you and care for you because I want us to have a future together? I am only trying to help and you are not supposed to be defensive remember? That was our agreement for this conversation." He can not dispute this. Remember that guys are masters of manipulation so turn the tables on him. I am not saying to play games but you must keep the upper hand regardless if you want this to work. If he becomes angry, which he might and stomps off then you know where you stand unfortunately and as much as it is going to hurt you it is always better to know the truth than to life a relationship based on hope alone. There is no easy answer for this Brandy there really isn't. He sounds like a very reasonable and intelligent buy but does have a temper. The drugs can bring that out or hide it but it is still there regardless. Be strong on this as I know it is hard. Try not to cry as it was stated on another post that guys can, not always, see that as triumph that they have hurt you because you questioned their integrity and ego. It has nothing to do with integrity or ego though and all to do with the relationship. Who cares who is right and who is wrong. As long as one of you is right go with that person and in this case that is you. He should be willing to see that as you are not his enemy but his true love and you are doing this for the both of you not just for yourself. Every time he comes up with something defensive give it right back at him. Eventually he will do something about it either positive or negative but stay on him and don't let him stall. There is no time like the present and in the case of addiction the best time to get off of it was yesterday. Today is the next best thing. None of this one more time. That's like saying one more drink for the road. Regarding his not wanting to talk about it because he is ashamed or disappointed don't take that as a back off sign. Again stay on him and make it known you love him and want to help and you want to do it together. The male ego is not only so very fragile but extremely thick and hard to break at the same time. You have to use calm reason to get around that and again I hate to say it this way but to play it right on the borderline of fragility so that he will listen with reason. If you are angry, upset, or combative in anyway there is no way you will win because as most women know all too well our little boy temper and stubbornness triumphs all. Again sound familiar? Reason and let him know you want to do this together and to let you be the strong one for him. Let him know that he must be honest with you at all times and there is no need for anger or ill moods no matter how bad he may feel. You are doing your bests at this time of need and right now it is your turn to be strong and he needs to know this. If he resists then again I am afraid then you need to start looking for alternatives for that only means no matter what you say or do he will fight you because he is putting his addiction first and you second. It hurts and it sucks I know but unfortunately that is how it is. Use strategy and cunning to get around his moods and ego. Especially with guys you get a lot more with honey than a whap upside the head so to speak. I am not saying to kowtow to him in any sense but to use your senses on this. Women are naturally more sensitive, considerate and compassionate than most men will ever know. Use that and stay within that realm and you will get through to him if he has any sense left that isn't burned out. The rest will be up to him as you can only do so much. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it well for you but I can't. Lastly regarding it being hard on addicts as well as those that love them I would have to say that having been addicted myself (I am clean now) that it is harder on those that love the addict the most. The addict is focused on their addiction. The loved ones have to contend with everything at the same time.
Hope you have a pleasant evening and try and take it easy. I know easier said than done. If you feel in the future mixed up and confused that is your natural system telling you that you are on overload. It is not a weakness but your heart and emotions telling you one thing and your rationale and logical mind telling you something else. That means you need a break from all this. Take a weekend off away from him. Even if it is to a hotel down the street. Don't tell him where you are going what ever you do. Let him wonder and feel what is would be like without you there. Don't let him fool you by him saying he will take more drugs if you leave or he will kill himself. That is so old it isn't funny and if he is actually going to do something so stupid would you in your right mind want to be with someone like that anyway? Pamper yourself during your time off. Go to a movie. Eat at a restaurant you always wanted to try. Buy something you want. What ever just try and enjoy yourself so you can collect your thoughts and feelings. A guy hates being left alone. Women can deal with this much easier under these kinds of conditions. There will be threats and such but again those are ploys and don't fall for them. It is hard for guys to understand but sometimes people just need a break to get their bearings straight.
Just remember that no matter what happens you have done nothing wrong! You are the one that is trying to right a wrong here not the other way around so there is no justification to anything negative he says period!
Again these are my opinions and observations and not to reflect on all the guys that read this. Just the ones it does affect you know who you are.

Henry

[Brandy_37]

Originally Posted by HenryNCBA

Hi Brandy,
Last one first. The Thomas recipe is a good way to go C/T. C/T is not an easy thing to do though and from the sounds of it that if he tried to quit before but was not able to then he may be better off with a sub taper. Several things need be addressed first though and first and foremost is you need to know where you stand with him. Yes I know you love him very much and I am sure he loves you too but again he is the one that will need the want to get off the drugs no matter what. You will need to sit him down and have a heart to heart chat with him. Make it known that you will not tolerate any sort of defensive combativeness from him because you are trying to help him because you love and care about him. You will find out where you stand at this point because if he doesn't want to talk about it then I am afraid that he is putting his habit before you and unless you want to spend your life with an addict and all the negative things that comes with that you best prepare to possibly move on. I don't mean to sound harsh but I am just saying it like it is. If he is genuine about his relationship with you he will ask for your help. Whether it is C/T or a sub taper will have to be his decision as only he knows how he really feels. His moods are governed by how he is feeling. I am sure that after a couple hours of taking his pain meds he is fun, generous, loving right? After it wears off a bit that ugly bear comes out of his cave right? Well that is the drugs warping his mind and I am sure he knows this also but again he has got to be willing to fight this NOW otherwise it will be a hit and miss deal at the very best. Too early to tell for sure what the outcome will be. My suggestion is to first sit him down for a true one on one talk. Let him know that there will be no anger tolerated. You don't need to hear it and besides it will just be B/S at that point. Tell him that you want to know and hear from his lips what his plans for both of your futures are. Don't take "let me think about it" for an answer as that is a stall tactic. If he truly loves you and knows deep in his heart he will know that answer darn quick. If the answer is to your liking then ask him if he wants your help. In a way I hate to say this but this is also a test to see how committed he is. If he says yes then he is committed most likely. If he says something to the effect of "no I don't want to bother you with this. I got myself into this mess so I will get myself out of it". Do not take that for an answer. That just means that he is stalling for time and will dwell upon it on his own clock not the both of your time tables. He will deal with it when he feels like dealing with it. At that point let him know that if he wants to do this on his own then you want to see some proof that he is actually working on it. If he asks you if you are putting him on trial tell him "look honey. We have been together for 4 years now. Don't you think you can trust me by now? Haven't I proved to you that I love you and care for you because I want us to have a future together? I am only trying to help and you are not supposed to be defensive remember? That was our agreement for this conversation." He can not dispute this. Remember that guys are masters of manipulation so turn the tables on him. I am not saying to play games but you must keep the upper hand regardless if you want this to work. If he becomes angry, which he might and stomps off then you know where you stand unfortunately and as much as it is going to hurt you it is always better to know the truth than to life a relationship based on hope alone. There is no easy answer for this Brandy there really isn't. He sounds like a very reasonable and intelligent buy but does have a temper. The drugs can bring that out or hide it but it is still there regardless. Be strong on this as I know it is hard. Try not to cry as it was stated on another post that guys can, not always, see that as triumph that they have hurt you because you questioned their integrity and ego. It has nothing to do with integrity or ego though and all to do with the relationship. Who cares who is right and who is wrong. As long as one of you is right go with that person and in this case that is you. He should be willing to see that as you are not his enemy but his true love and you are doing this for the both of you not just for yourself. Every time he comes up with something defensive give it right back at him. Eventually he will do something about it either positive or negative but stay on him and don't let him stall. There is no time like the present and in the case of addiction the best time to get off of it was yesterday. Today is the next best thing. None of this one more time. That's like saying one more drink for the road. Regarding his not wanting to talk about it because he is ashamed or disappointed don't take that as a back off sign. Again stay on him and make it known you love him and want to help and you want to do it together. The male ego is not only so very fragile but extremely thick and hard to break at the same time. You have to use calm reason to get around that and again I hate to say it this way but to play it right on the borderline of fragility so that he will listen with reason. If you are angry, upset, or combative in anyway there is no way you will win because as most women know all too well our little boy temper and stubbornness triumphs all. Again sound familiar? Reason and let him know you want to do this together and to let you be the strong one for him. Let him know that he must be honest with you at all times and there is no need for anger or ill moods no matter how bad he may feel. You are doing your bests at this time of need and right now it is your turn to be strong and he needs to know this. If he resists then again I am afraid then you need to start looking for alternatives for that only means no matter what you say or do he will fight you because he is putting his addiction first and you second. It hurts and it sucks I know but unfortunately that is how it is. Use strategy and cunning to get around his moods and ego. Especially with guys you get a lot more with honey than a whap upside the head so to speak. I am not saying to kowtow to him in any sense but to use your senses on this. Women are naturally more sensitive, considerate and compassionate than most men will ever know. Use that and stay within that realm and you will get through to him if he has any sense left that isn't burned out. The rest will be up to him as you can only do so much. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it well for you but I can't. Lastly regarding it being hard on addicts as well as those that love them I would have to say that having been addicted myself (I am clean now) that it is harder on those that love the addict the most. The addict is focused on their addiction. The loved ones have to contend with everything at the same time.
Hope you have a pleasant evening and try and take it easy. I know easier said than done. If you feel in the future mixed up and confused that is your natural system telling you that you are on overload. It is not a weakness but your heart and emotions telling you one thing and your rationale and logical mind telling you something else. That means you need a break from all this. Take a weekend off away from him. Even if it is to a hotel down the street. Don't tell him where you are going what ever you do. Let him wonder and feel what is would be like without you there. Don't let him fool you by him saying he will take more drugs if you leave or he will kill himself. That is so old it isn't funny and if he is actually going to do something so stupid would you in your right mind want to be with someone like that anyway? Pamper yourself during your time off. Go to a movie. Eat at a restaurant you always wanted to try. Buy something you want. What ever just try and enjoy yourself so you can collect your thoughts and feelings. A guy hates being left alone. Women can deal with this much easier under these kinds of conditions. There will be threats and such but again those are ploys and don't fall for them. It is hard for guys to understand but sometimes people just need a break to get their bearings straight.
Just remember that no matter what happens you have done nothing wrong! You are the one that is trying to right a wrong here not the other way around so there is no justification to anything negative he says period!
Again these are my opinions and observations and not to reflect on all the guys that read this. Just the ones it does affect you know who you are.

Henry

Henry!
Thank you so much for all your input and advice. He actually did say he wanted to do it as a "we" so we'll see. He is gone now. It has only been four days. But I sure hope that he did not take any pills with him. That would just go to show he doesnt want to do it. I miss him a great deal but I do feel this will test our relationship. With all the lying about where his money goes or he only went to the gas station real qick has gotten old and if he comes back doing the same thing then it will be extremely hard but I dont know if i could do it anymore. I might go see him where he is but we'll see. I would be able to tell if he was on them or not. The person he is staying with does not know too much about pill addiction or how a pill addict can be. I can say i am not knowledged to the best of my ability about it either but I know somewhat. So let's just hope he went to really do this for the good and for hisself. I was thinking about getting a book to better educate myself. It's called Healing the Addicted Brain. Have you read it? I am still learning how to use this site so if i dont get back to this right away it's because I didnt know there was a response lol. Thank you for your input and caringness.
Brandy

[macca1]

relationships are very diffucult when there is one using and the other not knowing a thing about drugs . i know from experience i was not using when i met my partner but on methadone i thought i could keep it a secret and get clean then thats it no more worries about finding out . but one day i had just had enough and decided to tell my girlfriend all . i told her about my past with drugs and being on methadone to get clean . she sat down with me and understood everything i could not believe it . from this day on she has always been by my side helping me. i have just switched to the subutex to get off the methadone and she gives me 100% support . this girl is one in a million we both work full time help each other out and try and make life better . when i am off the subutex no matter how long it is . we can start living better going on holidays we are both over due . and just appreciating life . i am just glad i had someone caring and loving with me all the time .

[JaiHova]

I don't think everyone can classify all adicts under the same category. The OP I beleive you did the right thing. From the stories it seems as if he truly did not care or try and I'm sorry to say this but maybe its better off. To Brandy, i believe your situation with your b/f is different. It seems as if he truly is trying. I know what this addiction is like it is hell. I myself am on the road to recovery and am doing better other then a slip up from my taper the other day. My message to you Brandy is it seems as if your b/f is truly trying and may not be totally successful the first time but he should make progress and as long as he keeps making progress I think you should stick with him and give him a chance. If there comes a point where there is no progress then that is the time to cut ties with the person. Keep in mind recovery will be a long hard road of ups and downs but as long as they keep going the positive way then you have to support him because he needs you more then you can imagine. My g/f supports me but is too busy to really do anything for me so my road to recovery is slightly on my own but she does know and watch my progress and as long as im continually getting better even if only a lil better she will stick with me through this. I think that should be the measurement of how to know when or when not to eep trying. If they are on a positive slope even if a slight one it means they are still trying some ppl take a long time to fully recover others longer. Just please stick with him as long as he is going in a positive direction.

[HenryNCBA]

Hello Brandy,
Drugs are a nasty thing no matter which way you look at it. It seems also that doctors want to seemingly keep you on them. Yesterday I went to see my dentist. Turns out I have a fractured jaw on the left side but I don't feel any pain. So what does he want to do? He starts writing me a scrip for percs to which I said "NOT"! I just got off of this junk and yesterday I think was day 15 of being clean and he wants to start me up again? Also an incident happened at my work last week and the emergency room doctors wanted to put me on pain meds. I said "NO! I just got off this stuff and there is no way I am going to get back on it again!" They argued with me over and over and wrote a scrip for me which I promptly shredded up as soon as I got home. So when the medical professionals push it on people then people think it is okay and from there it snowballs for many people. Other people start for many various reasons. Your boyfriend went off to detox so that is a good thing. You will be able to tell if he is back on the opiates though if you see him. He will be mellow, loving, and good natured and feeling generous. If this is not normal behavior for him look at his pupils. If they are small and especially pinpoint then he is on opiates or other drugs which can cause similar symptoms. If he is really detoxing he will most likely look like ******** and feel like it too. That in itself is a good sign and although not a good thing to feel that way it tells you he is going in the right direction. The final decision is up to you of course on how much of leeway you want to give him. Some people can hold on longer while others won't even bother trying. As long as he enlists your help that is very positive. If he is hiding his usage then that is basically lying again and it would be your choice at that point on what you wish to do. If it were my situation I would recommend a good sit down chat. Basically a one more chance and put all the cards on the table. Let him know exactly where you stand and how you feel. You want a future with the man you knew and fell in love with not an addict. What ever you do please don't give in to complacency. Most, not all, guys will become complacent when a relations carries on for any length of time. Guys are wired differently and I am not saying it is right by no means but looking at facts guys (again most not all) will see a relationship as being stable when there are no arguments so to speak and if you should bring something up it is because he feels you are rocking the boat. Ever get that "why do you want me to say I love you to you all the time? You know I do so what is the big deal?" I just used that as an example. In the beginning you are wined and dined and swooned off your feet. Women do not change very much in these regards as they (not all) fall in love with the man for how they portray themselves. Not who they have become but they literally took them for an honest face value and liked what they see and expect the same treatment as when a relationship first started. That is what attracted you in the first place right? It is the guy that changes and becomes complacent not you. He falls into his comfort zone but what he needs to realize is this so called comfort zone is his zone not both of your zones and especially not yours. So what am I saying? Basically not to test but to test him. You gave him this chance and if he fails the test then time for a heart to heart chat. If he refused or makes any sort of excuse don't buy it. That is just a complacent stall tactic. Don't let him trick you ever into thinking that it is your fault for any reason or that if you are not going to stick with him he will continue to use or dive deeper into because he has nothing to live for. Give me a break that is the oldest one in the book of excuses. No excuse it a good excuse when it comes to trying to improve a relationship especially when drugs are concerned. It either needs to be dealt with or not dealt with there are no in-betweens I am afraid to say. To stay neutral means to destroy both of you. At the very least if he decides to deceive and continue to use then it is time to move on I hate to say. Sometimes things are just not meant to be and it doesn't mean you failed. Not by far it just means you are just going through one of life’s many progressions. Emotions are a tuff nut to crack but deep down inside you will find your answer. If it seems so confusing then you need time away from him to gather your thoughts and emotions of where you want to be. Start by asking yourself this simple question. In any reasonable amount of time can you see yourself in the current situation continuing?
It's tough I know but in the meantime see what happens when he comes back. I don't know why he would need to go off to stay with someone else to detox unless he went for professional help but that is just my own opinion as everyone is different.

Henry

[HenryNCBA]

Originally Posted by macca1

relationships are very diffucult when there is one using and the other not knowing a thing about drugs . i know from experience i was not using when i met my partner but on methadone i thought i could keep it a secret and get clean then thats it no more worries about finding out . but one day i had just had enough and decided to tell my girlfriend all . i told her about my past with drugs and being on methadone to get clean . she sat down with me and understood everything i could not believe it . from this day on she has always been by my side helping me. i have just switched to the subutex to get off the methadone and she gives me 100% support . this girl is one in a million we both work full time help each other out and try and make life better . when i am off the subutex no matter how long it is . we can start living better going on holidays we are both over due . and just appreciating life . i am just glad i had someone caring and loving with me all the time .

Hi Macca,
Honesty and being open is always best. If the other person really loves and cares for you they most often will understand and in fact will want to be an active part in recovery. That is what it's all about

Henry

[Brandy_37]

Originally Posted by macca1

relationships are very diffucult when there is one using and the other not knowing a thing about drugs . i know from experience i was not using when i met my partner but on methadone i thought i could keep it a secret and get clean then thats it no more worries about finding out . but one day i had just had enough and decided to tell my girlfriend all . i told her about my past with drugs and being on methadone to get clean . she sat down with me and understood everything i could not believe it . from this day on she has always been by my side helping me. i have just switched to the subutex to get off the methadone and she gives me 100% support . this girl is one in a million we both work full time help each other out and try and make life better . when i am off the subutex no matter how long it is . we can start living better going on holidays we are both over due . and just appreciating life . i am just glad i had someone caring and loving with me all the time .

That is very cool that you want her to be a part of your life while quitting and not just making it all about you. Not many guys do that I dont think lol. I am trying to be there for my boyfriend 100% and I think I have. It has definately not been easy and has been painful for me at times to see him hurt himself and lie. But I just keep my head up and try to hang in there. What is awful is when he is not high he does not want to face the reality of life. If we get into a little simple argument he wants nothing to do with it because it is a problem and it is as he does not want to deal with any problems when thats just life. I wish you luck with getting clean and staying clean. I believe anyone can do it. Hang in ther.

[Brandy_37]

Originally Posted by JaiHova

I don't think everyone can classify all adicts under the same category. The OP I beleive you did the right thing. From the stories it seems as if he truly did not care or try and I'm sorry to say this but maybe its better off. To Brandy, i believe your situation with your b/f is different. It seems as if he truly is trying. I know what this addiction is like it is hell. I myself am on the road to recovery and am doing better other then a slip up from my taper the other day. My message to you Brandy is it seems as if your b/f is truly trying and may not be totally successful the first time but he should make progress and as long as he keeps making progress I think you should stick with him and give him a chance. If there comes a point where there is no progress then that is the time to cut ties with the person. Keep in mind recovery will be a long hard road of ups and downs but as long as they keep going the positive way then you have to support him because he needs you more then you can imagine. My g/f supports me but is too busy to really do anything for me so my road to recovery is slightly on my own but she does know and watch my progress and as long as im continually getting better even if only a lil better she will stick with me through this. I think that should be the measurement of how to know when or when not to eep trying. If they are on a positive slope even if a slight one it means they are still trying some ppl take a long time to fully recover others longer. Just please stick with him as long as he is going in a positive direction.

I have so much faith in him it is unbelievable! But I feel he can really do it but only he himself willing. And I sure hope that is how it is this time. I have told him about this site. Do you feel it has helped you?