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Boyfriend help
  1. #1
    dimples33 is offline New Member
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    Default Boyfriend help

    My boyfriend of one year has an addiction to pretty much anything he can get a buzz on. He recovered for a few months but started up again back in April. He is now in a halfway house in another state. Before he went in, he called and said he never wanted to see me again, that it was MY fault he was in his situation. All I did was try the "tough love". So tell me former addicts.....why does he see his situation as MY fault, when all I did was love him, accept him, and try to help. As I reflect back on our year together, I think I've realized that he never really loved me, he loved what he thought he could get away with me. And as soon as I cut him off, in his mind, it was me who betrayed him. The things he said to me were not the words of the same man who talked marriage and children with me when he was sober.
    Any advice? Should I leave him alone or let him know that I am still here for him? He thinks I betrayed him because I had told his father that I had given him money, when he was secretly asking for more from his dad. And because of what I told his dad, he was kicked out of the house, thus his stint at the halfway house. It was his only place to go, or be homeless.
    Please feel free to be as candid as you need to be. I know I betrayed his trust, but it was because I thought it was for his own good. I didn't know that his dad was going to kick him out like he did.

  2. #2
    Cats Meow is offline Diamond Member
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    Put him behind you and move on, you're not to blame, he won't except responsibility for his actions. He's immature, he made the choice to borrow money, and do drugs, it was his actions that got him kicked out. Forget him, you learned a good lesson from people like him, don't even talk to him anymore, he doesn't care about you, and he's not going to change, so go do your own thing, you can do way better. (BTW were not all former addicts)

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  3. #3
    dimples33 is offline New Member
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    Cat's Meow,
    Please accept my apology. I, in no way, meant that everyone on this site is an addict. I was just addressing the former addicts to get their opinion on why my boyfriend thinks the way he thinks.
    But thank you for the advice. You aren't the only one who has told me to move on. However, a lot of the things I've read is "hate the drugs, not the drug user." His own father told me that it was the drugs speaking, not himself.
    Thanks again for your input.

  4. #4
    Cats Meow is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey, no problem. One thing to consider with him is, if he's that prone to addiction, it's a problem he'll most likely fight his whole life, not just with drugs either. You can't change him, he'll choose to change only if he has the strength and desire to, so wait, give him time to change should it happen, meanwhile live your life, there's plenty of time, if he turns his life around, then, maybe then, you'll have a better chance for success. Your distance may be the motivation he needs to make changes in his life for the better.
    I'm not sure I believe the hate the drugs, not the user statement. Good people who do an occasional drug normally don't change out of character much, they may on occasion say or do something they regret, but they learn from it, and usually won't repeat it. "The drugs talking" is almost a cop out, and a poor excuse for bad behavior. It's important you recognize he has an addictive personality, drugs didn't do this to him, it's something that's a biological thing and often it's hereditary, these people give into their impulses no matter what, it's okay to hate this aspect of their personality, it doesn't make them bad people necessarily, but bad choices for a mate. There's plenty of fish in the sea, catch yourself a good one, throw the bad ones back, you know you deserve better.

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  5. #5
    Cats Meow is offline Diamond Member
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    Listen to your conscience too, it'll rarely lead you astray.
    You were thinking and doing the right thing all along.

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  6. #6
    wonder07 is offline New Member
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    I have a problem, My husband of 6 yrs, who I have been w/for 16 yrs, is back on perks again, he has always had an addicting personality,from cocaine,which I stood by him thru, now I find out we are back to perks, I feel so so far away fro him, he is supposed to be my best friend, I love him so very much we have the same interest like dislikes (except drugs), I found his stash again! He did admit to me 1 time when I had evidence in my hand, & promised to get thru this, detox was out of the question, I have never watched any one go thru with drawl,it was horrible, I thought maybe things would get better, just found out today he doing it again, i had my susptitions (after 16 yrs) you know your partner, he said he does about 1 a week, i think i may even likee him better when he is on them, he wants to do more w/the family, and he is in a better mood, how much is too much i have been deeling w/this for 16 yrs now is he ever going to get thru this, I cant trust him the seaky lies,his hiding places & puts me off to be a bi*ch, I just want to trust him & him to give up his addictions, should I just walk away,,,,when is it enough..........please someone help me understand

  7. #7
    Cats Meow is offline Diamond Member
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    Wonder, so he's only doing a couple per week? That sure isn't much, it sounds like the problem is more a trust issue then a drug problem. Trust is an important part in a relationship, you both need to be honest with each other, maybe you both can come to some sort of agreement, he quits hiding his stuff from you, then you won't feel the need to b itch. You may have to lay down the fact to him, that you will not live with an addict, and there's an ultimatium attached with that, but you need to decide how much occasional use is acceptable to you. If the answer is zero then you have a problem, divorce should be the last option when everything else fails, it's sad but many people will choose drugs over marriage, and you have the right to choose marriage over drugs, so it may be neccesary to demand you two go to counciling. I hate to see people give up so easy, I guess the bottom line is how much will you put up with?

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  8. #8
    dimples33 is offline New Member
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    Cat's Meow:
    You seem to have a handle on all of this...offering advice and all. May I ask what your experience has been?

  9. #9
    Cats Meow is offline Diamond Member
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    I'm not sure what you mean by experience.
    In a vague way, I'll just say, I've been there, done that, learned some lessons along the way, I like to help people and try to pass on what I know. What I know comes from life experience, reading and studying.


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  10. #10
    sunkistx is offline New Member
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    My boyfriend has a smoking, alcohol and drug addiction for quite some time. His parents have sent him to therapists, counselors, and rehab..pretty much EVERYTHING that is out there and nothing has helped. This is a big problem between us because i absolutely hate having conversations with him and the next day he can't even remember what we talked about the night before. Believe me, as you know it is beyond frustrating. He also had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend and over some time we worked things out and I decided to give him a second chance because he said he wanted to prove it to me so bad that he was different. I gave him that second chance and he was good for awhile and did treat me amazing but then his addiction became a problem between us. He smoked at least a pack a day, patches, pot, an overwhelming amount of alcohol, everything. I talked to him about it and I was very reasonable about it and asked if there was any way he could reduce his habits or get some help. I even offered to find help for him myself. He said sorry, talking wasn't going to help but he was not quitting, and to leave if i didn't like it because he didn't know what to say. How they were his choices not mine, and it's also my choice to talk to him and if i don't like it then don't deal with it, how he's not trying to change it and he knows it's his fault even though he knows it's hurting him. That was the day I realized I needed to get out of this relationship and away from him because I made so many sacrifices for him to make things work but yet, he wasn't able to TRY to change one thing that would be helping him in the end anyways. It just goes to show how selfish some people really are and how they don't think about how their choices effect everyone around them. For anyone who is going through the same or similar situations just do what makes you happy, and if staying with that person makes you miserable, then get out while you can even if it hurts. It'll save you and make you a stronger person, besides there are millions of great men out there who are above that and know what they want in their lives! I wish I would've taken my friends advice the first time around, but I learned my lesson the hard way. I give luck to anyone who is going through issues like this as well. All I can say is I am a happier all around person now that I am out of it, and am so ready to move on with my life to something bigger and better!

    God Bless.

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