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The Black Days When Will they End?
The Black Days When Will they End?
After a really good night last night, and I praised God for each great moment, I'm back to feeling horrible. Day 35 clean, and I'm shaking so bad. I don't want to use; in fact, I'm resenting the pills at the moment. I have spasms all over my body like somebody beat me up while I slept. I had lucid dreams off and on all night. I dreamt my daughter got out of rehab, and she was still the same negative little girl. And before I went to bed last night, I got an email from my dad asking me if I remember Brian back in dispatch. (I used to work with my dad at a large trucking company). I shared a desk with Brian so I did know him well. My dad said he died over the weekend of heart failure. He was 38 with a three year old little boy. I can't tell you how much death I witnessed in that company....and I mean YOUNG men and women. It's almost like having survivor's guilt because Brian was a good kid, and a hard worker even though he lost most of his hand in a snowblower a couple of years ago. If it's anyone who should be dead, it's me.
I have spasms all over my body like somebody kicked my butt while I slept. I don't even know what to take for it. I'm looking all over the house at everything that needs done, and I'm paralyzed at the thought of starting anything. I tried to make a couple of calls and only got in touch with one sister who couldn't talk long. I'm proud of her though because it was so hard to witness her overdoses. She worked six long years to get her R.N., married an affluent man, has two beautiful kids, and she turned into a junkie herself. She lost her R.N., she went to rehab, she's going through felony drug court, but she has 65 days clean. She told me to keep going to meetings and doing the footwork so that God can help me. She said God can't drive a parked car so get going.
I keep praying for God to send me an angel or a miracle, and I can't stop crying. I'm okay with crying because for years I didn't; but I'm tired of this nightmare.
I am so sorry you are feeling down, I am thinking of you!
Sometimes when you have a really bad day like this, out of the blue, for no reason, think of it like your body re-booting, receptors are ready to start firing on their own again, and it's like a last ditch survival mechanism that your brain is trying to game you. If the brain doesn't get the drug it'll have to start producing all the chemicals on it's own, and it's easier to be fed them. Complete recovery is right around the corner. Your sister is right, get yourself moving, go power walk or something, work up a good sweat, you'll feel better.
You're doing good, don't let others and especially yourself drag you down, try and let go of the guilt, you don't deserve it.
Originally Posted by Cats Meow
Thank you, Cat. I'm actually doing the best I can, but my mind is telling me I'm a waste. I just went to check on my daughter outside, and she was sitting alone in the grass talking to herself. I'm agoraphobic so it's hard for me to go out there with her. I stood at the door and cried. My husband saw me and asked what was wrong, and I told him I was a lousy mother. I'm only meeting her survival needs because I'm having a hard time taking care of myself right now. He told me not to say that about myself. I know he's proud of me, and I know he's happy to have me clean (although very vulnerable) so he's picking up all my slack, and I do feel guilty.