back to square one and feel like ????

[scarednalone]

i screwed up big time this time! i was doing so good i dont know what i was thinking. my husband got released from the hospital yesterday and to my surprise he had 2 vicodins the dr gave him for his throat. he tossed them at me and said i aint taking this keep them i dont care. i faught off the urge for a few hours then all of a sudden it was like something came over me and i blacked out and took them. i felt terrible right after i swallowed them. i wasnt sick i was sad and ashamed that i failed especially after the way i talked saying i wasnt going back and this and that. i feel like a huge failure and to top it off here comes the withdrawal all over again. backs killing me been having muscle spasms for like 3 hours straight at this point but thats the only w/d feeling i feel at this point. dont have the runs not sneezing im a bit tired but that could be because i sat up half the night crying in the bathroom because i failed myself and my kids. had to call my in laws to pick up the kids today just cant handle them with this pain and that just makes me feel worse. now i feel like not only did i fail my kids but then i sent them away. they dont understand why mommy doesnt want them at home theyre too young to understand i just know they want me and im not there. really upset with myself right now i think im going to take a hot shower and try to relax. sorry if im rambling im just so upset i cant think straight. please PLEASE dont tell me i told you so i know now im no super human and not only im no super human im a stupid poor excuse of a mom.

[Jessa29]

i screwed up big time this time! i was doing so good i dont know what i was thinking. my husband got released from the hospital yesterday and to my surprise he had 2 vicodins the dr gave him for his throat. he tossed them at me and said i aint taking this keep them i dont care. i faught off the urge for a few hours then all of a sudden it was like something came over me and i blacked out and took them. i felt terrible right after i swallowed them. i wasnt sick i was sad and ashamed that i failed especially after the way i talked saying i wasnt going back and this and that. i feel like a huge failure and to top it off here comes the withdrawal all over again. backs killing me been having muscle spasms for like 3 hours straight at this point but thats the only w/d feeling i feel at this point. dont have the runs not sneezing im a bit tired but that could be because i sat up half the night crying in the bathroom because i failed myself and my kids. had to call my in laws to pick up the kids today just cant handle them with this pain and that just makes me feel worse. now i feel like not only did i fail my kids but then i sent them away. they dont understand why mommy doesnt want them at home theyre too young to understand i just know they want me and im not there. really upset with myself right now i think im going to take a hot shower and try to relax. sorry if im rambling im just so upset i cant think straight. please PLEASE dont tell me i told you so i know now im no super human and not only im no super human im a stupid poor excuse of a mom.

Saw your post and I can relate! But you didn't screw up that bad, in my opinion. Dust yourself off and keep going! You are stronger than you think! Take a hot bath instead of a shower- much more relaxing! I'll say a prayer for ya!

[Anonymous]

2 vicodin wont put you back to square one... UNLESS YOU DO IT AGAIN...

get back on the horse and keep going. you can do this if you want it bad enough.... keep going

[scarednalone]

just getting ready to jump in the shower now cant take a bath cant pull myself out and im home alone not only that my ob told me no baths til my cramps stop. heading to the shower now just hope it helps my back cause right now it feels like my muscles are dancing and it dont feel good at all!!

[Jessa29]

That's funny- my husband had just pulled me outta the bath, I can't get out either lol

[scarednalone]

lol shower helped a little with nthe pain not too much but hey waters not a miracle cure if it was id of never found myself in this situation to begin with. laying in bed watching a movie gonna try to relax bit hard but gotta do something cant lay here and cry all night. would taking trazadone set me back? i have a few here that i used to take for my insomnia not sure if it will help me sleep or if it will make this w/d last longer hopefully theres an expert out there that can tell me

[nomo momo]

let's be realistic here....

you have been off opiates for how long before the 2 vics? 10 days, maybe more?

if that's close to accurate, you did not set yourself back physically.

i do have some familiarity with trazedone, it will not affect opiate wd but in my experience it also didnt work when my mind was racing from anxiety, i also wasnt pregnant

don't beat yourself up about your kids not being home, take deep breaths, think about your happy future life, think about yourself right now, that's most important.

[scarednalone]

im not sure about it. from what ive read trazadone hasnt been tested on pregnant women, but im pretty sure no sleep and being so upset i cant even eat cant be good for the baby either. im lost on this one.

[Comeback Kid]

That's like almost falling off the wagon because the door flew open, but you regain control and step back on. Don't be so hard on yourself. That's what will cause you to want to do it again. You must realize that you can't take just one or two. Good luck in the future.

[scarednalone]

ty i think i was putting too much preasure on myself the first time i quit im gonna try to be easier on myself this time. i used to meditate all the time that really used to help my anxiety gonna try to do it tonight and im just gonna keep telling myself i dont do that anymore and leave it at that. try not to focus on how many days since i had a pill and just focus on what good is going on in my life hopefully that will help me.

[iloerose]

Hi scared! It's amazing how far you've come! 2 vic, after 10 days? You will not have full blown w/d. It may be that your symptoms are more of a reaction to the guilt that you are feeling over taking them again. Anxiety can cause similar symptoms. And your back has been bothering you anyway, that may have been more noticeable after taking the vics. Do your meditation. You've really learned something about these pills: that they'll always be in wait for you, temptation around the corner. It's good that you're away from kids for a bit, it will give you time to sort out your nerves, do some meditation. Get back in the saddle and DON'T USE.You realize the danger, so take a deep breath and thank your lucky stars it was only two. Keep on pushing forward! You'll get this.

Iloerose

[surfdog]

i screwed up big time this time! i was doing so good i dont know what i was thinking. my husband got released from the hospital yesterday and to my surprise he had 2 vicodins the dr gave him for his throat. he tossed them at me and said i aint taking this keep them i dont care. i faught off the urge for a few hours then all of a sudden it was like something came over me and i blacked out and took them. i felt terrible right after i swallowed them. i wasnt sick i was sad and ashamed that i failed especially after the way i talked saying i wasnt going back and this and that. i feel like a huge failure and to top it off here comes the withdrawal all over again. backs killing me been having muscle spasms for like 3 hours straight at this point but thats the only w/d feeling i feel at this point. dont have the runs not sneezing im a bit tired but that could be because i sat up half the night crying in the bathroom because i failed myself and my kids. had to call my in laws to pick up the kids today just cant handle them with this pain and that just makes me feel worse. now i feel like not only did i fail my kids but then i sent them away. they dont understand why mommy doesnt want them at home theyre too young to understand i just know they want me and im not there. really upset with myself right now i think im going to take a hot shower and try to relax. sorry if im rambling im just so upset i cant think straight. please PLEASE dont tell me i told you so i know now im no super human and not only im no super human im a stupid poor excuse of a mom.

Does your husband know what you are going through? If so why would he give you the opiates? Just a little confused on that one.
Let's get one thing straight you are NOT a bad mother, sick yeah real sick oh yeah, but big difference in bad and sick. Nobody ask to be addicted two are not going to put you back to day one, that does not offer an excuse, you made a mistake, now you have a choice to make, continue to beat yourself up and set yourself up to use again or learn from it and move forward. I suggest the last option much healthier. You are dealing with a progressive and potentially fatal disease.
Still puzzled as to why your husband would furnish the opiates if he was aware of the situation God Bless Surfdog

[scarednalone]

my hubby knows about me going to a pain management clinic he also knows the pain ive been in this past 10 days but he does not know about the addiction. honestly its a stretch even calling him my husband anymore were legally married but i dont want to be with him. hes very emotionally abusive towards me, fortionately i know what to look for when it comes to emotional abuse and i can ignore it for the most part, but im not going to put up with it long at all. as soon as i get a job and am able to take care of my kids and myself by myself im leaving him. i cant tell him about the addiction that will give him ammo to take my kids and i refuse to do that. i meditated last night it helped a bit so am i still on day 10??

[iloerose]

Yeah, basically, but Day 1, not in terms of w/d symptoms, in terms of not using. Just another day of staying off of the opiates. You have to try to get to the point where when pills are in your grasp you throw them away, not take them. You need to post here or do something when you have a great temptation to hold back. Post here. Idk. I remember one person who posted here in a panic when she found some stashed, she ended up drowning them in dish soap. LOL. Just don't use!

iloerose

[scarednalone]

ty iloerose. my biggest problem is the fact that i have REAL physical pain from my bulging discs in my back. it's not constant but i get really bad flare ups at some points it makes me to where im actually laying in a ball on the floor in tears because it wont stop. the flare ups are pretty bad and i can usually almost predict when they happen because they always happen when i out do myself and do things i KNOW i shouldnt be doing. this is what im going through right now is a really bad flare up. im actually in tears as i type. ive always been a baby when it comes to pain but this takes the cake. usually flare ups last about a week and i dont expect this time to be any different and to make matters worse my kids are comming home today. my mother in law called and said she needs to bring them home that they are being too bad for her. this is all just perfect! cant stand from the pain cant lay cant sit and now im going to have my kids home who will beyond a doubt be bad and act up the entire time. i know its my fault they are the way they are theyre acting out mommy hasnt been giving them much attention in the past almost 2 weeks and its pretty much if they dont get attention from me they dont get attention. my hubby seems to think that raising kids just means making sure they dont do anything that hurts them. he doesnt understand they need real attention they need you to get down on the floor and play with them and read to them and all the good things that mommy usually does just mommy's not in good shape right now and cant and honestly even if he realized it i dont think he cares any idea on how to make a toddler listen? time out isnt working when i put them on the couch and we started using their car seats as time out spot but now we have to buckle them in because they still get up and i cant buckle them in because the first thing they do when i try is kick my stomach. hubby wont be home tonight so its all on me to do it all night then hubby works 10-7 tomorrow which means i get all day with them tomorrow acting like this too with my back what can i do here? im between a rock and a hard spot dont have anyone else who can take the kids or even help me with them i have no family no friends, atleast not real friends just friends that call when they need something if they dont need anything they dont call me or answer my calls i know this site is to help with addiction but some of you are parents and im pretty sure some of you had to go through w/d with kids around so im hoping someone can help me out with this one because im at a loss

[iloerose]

Tell the kids that mommy is sick and needs them to help. Little kids like to help. Makes them feel important. Let THEM help you. How old are they? Watch movies together and make up wacky story lines. Color. Have them pretend to read a book to you. If I knew how old, I could give you more ideas. You can pay attention to them and help yourself at the same time. They act out to get your attention, make them give it to you by asking them to help. Put your hubby on the back burner, resenting his disinterest is doing nothing to help you. You have a plan for now, when you're upset, kids are upset and they act out. Frankly, he's not worth even resenting, even though you are in pain and have a handful with the kids. Put your energy into finding ways for the kids to become part of your pregnancy and helping you. I do feel for you, but you can turn your situation around a bit for yourself. So take a deep breath forget hubby, socalled friends and lets figure out how you can handle this. Peace and have a good night.

Iloerose

[scarednalone]

ty they wound up not even comming home tonight mother in law started getting dizzy and was afraid to drive so shes bringing them home tomorrow afternoon i wound up in er for my hubby, yes the same man who can care less about me, he has viral pharingitis sp? apparently its contagious they gave hime something called magic swizzle and a vic to bring home. yet again he handed it to me but this time i pitched it right away. even with the 2 mile walk home in the pain im in its not worth it. i was so proud of myself for pitching it too... made me feel like a million bucks knowing 2 weeks ago id of gobbled it up. btw my kids are 3 and terrible 2s have nothing on them. my one son actually peed on our dog the other day with his potty right next to him. ugh i better try to get sleep one thing ive learned is no matter how bad i feel church helps a lot so im getting up n going to church tomorrow ive decided im going to put myself in gods hands and allow him to carry me through this journey as they say with god all things are possible he gave me the gift of another day and im not taking it for granted im going to allow him to help me through this im no super human just a mom and im pretty sure if i wasnt a mom i wouldnt of been ready to quit, my mom died from this almost 2 years ago i dont want my kids saying the same thing some day... i dont want to cause them any pain i dont have to.

[iloerose]

Oh you are definitely worth a million buck! Whoo hoo good for you pitching that vic! Happy Sunday!

Iloerose

[scarednalone]

ty i really feel bad today. have been crying for a few hours. i just realized how very few people i actually have who care about me. when i think back to 3 years ago i had a huge family that loved me and was there for me and now that my mom and grandma died and i dont speak to my dad or brother i lost everyone. my mom's family stopped talking to me once my grandma died and my dad's family obviously act like i dont exist. ive never felt as alone as i do right now. idk maybe part of the whole emotional thing going along with w/d or the pregnancy thing but im just an emotional mess right now. my kids will be home in a few hours and i know them seeing me cry is going to make them sad. i wish things were like when i was a kid and my mommy could kiss my boo boo and id be all better h??? i wish i could just get a hug from my mom right now she had a way of making me feel like everything was going to be alright like no one else. i admitted to my hubby last night that the day my mom died i needed him more than ever. that i can never truly forget the pain i felt standing by myself watching my mom die. thats truly where we went down hill and now that i look back on it part of it may have been my fault. i harbored so much anger towards him for not being with me because he couldnt handle it for too long. flash backs are starting. sleep was very fitful every time i dozed i relived the day my mom died. not really sure why this is all hitting me like this now of all times but its wearing me down. the muscle spasms are bad enough but im not good at handling the emotional part of life. ive always battled depression and after my mom died even pushed my kids away thinking it would be best for them if they werent close to me so that when i die they wont be in pain. i suggested marriage counseling to my hubby last night. hes willing to do it. i dont know if this marriage is able to be saved but im not sure im ready to give up the last part of a happier life without fighting for it. he was my high school sweetheart and up until my mom died things were great between us. i wonder if he battles depression as well. now that the fog is lifting i can really start to think things through easier and it seems to change my whole outlook on life some things in a good way some in a bad way.

[surfdog]

ty i really feel like ???? today. have been crying for a few hours. i just realized how very few people i actually have who care about me. when i think back to 3 years ago i had a huge family that loved me and was there for me and now that my mom and grandma died and i dont speak to my dad or brother i lost everyone. my mom's family stopped talking to me once my grandma died and my dad's family obviously act like i dont exist. ive never felt as alone as i do right now. idk maybe part of the whole emotional thing going along with w/d or the pregnancy thing but im just an emotional mess right now. my kids will be home in a few hours and i know them seeing me cry is going to make them sad. i wish things were like when i was a kid and my mommy could kiss my boo boo and id be all better h??? i wish i could just get a hug from my mom right now she had a way of making me feel like everything was going to be alright like no one else. i admitted to my hubby last night that the day my mom died i needed him more than ever. that i can never truly forget the pain i felt standing by myself watching my mom die. thats truly where we went down hill and now that i look back on it part of it may have been my fault. i harbored so much anger towards him for not being with me because he couldnt handle it for too long. flash backs are starting. sleep was very fitful every time i dozed i relived the day my mom died. not really sure why this is all hitting me like this now of all times but its wearing me down. the muscle spasms are bad enough but im not good at handling the emotional part of life. ive always battled depression and after my mom died even pushed my kids away thinking it would be best for them if they werent close to me so that when i die they wont be in pain. i suggested marriage counseling to my hubby last night. hes willing to do it. i dont know if this marriage is able to be saved but im not sure im ready to give up the last part of a happier life without fighting for it. he was my high school sweetheart and up until my mom died things were great between us. i wonder if he battles depression as well. now that the fog is lifting i can really start to think things through easier and it seems to change my whole outlook on life some things in a good way some in a bad way.

Morning scared, congrats on pitching the vics that took a lot I'm sure. Lighten up on yourself that is of the utmost importance! When you demean yourself it just amplifies the guilt and shame and serves no useful purpose. Again you are not a bad mother! The counciling is a great idea, you go even if your husband chooses not to. There is help out there and a good councilor will be able to direct you to the appropriate sources regardless of financial status. The people here care and will support you, use us as your surrogate family. God Bless Surfdog

[scarednalone]

ty surf you have no idea what it means to me to be told that someone wants me as a surrogate family. im starting to realize that part of my addiction was from all the emotional pain that i try so hard to mask most times. this place is the first place ive been comfortable enough to open up like this. ive seen therapists for most of my life due to the things i went through as a child so its nothing new to me. according to hubby he WANTS to fix this. im not sure if it can be fixed, but i dont want to give up without a fight i am a survivor but also a fighter when it comes to those i love. im not ready to open up to him about my issues with pills, but maybe one day when things are better with us i can. right now i just dont feel comfortable doing so. im just ready to get my life together and get myself fixed thats most important right now.

[iloerose]

Surfdog's right, scared, you've got a surrogate family here. Pregnancy can be a roller coaster ride of emotions. Control what you can. Start with counseling. See what happens. Focus on the right now, be in the moment. Get a journal and write down your feelings, post here and get your feelings out in a healthy way, btw, tears are a healthy way. You are getting to the right place!
{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}.

Iloerose