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Back on Day 2 and need to talk..
  1. #1
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Default Back on Day 2 and need to talk..

    Hi everyone, some of you might remember me from back in August/September. I tapered down from a habit of about 150-180 mg of the blue's to about 30 mg a day and then stopped. I was really active on this site for a while, and then kind of drifted away. When I drifted I was still clean, and I stayed that way for a while. Somewhere around Day 50 I got complacent, and began the old story of "I can just take one 1 night a week, or the weekends, or special occasions". You know the drill, pretty soon every morning turned into a special occasion. I never got back up to my highest usage, but it doesn't matter, most days I was averaging 60 mg a day. Back when I quit I felt such remorse about the money wasted and I was looking forward to repairing that. Fast forward to now and I've just put us way deeper in the hole and I'm back where I started.

    I've been lurking on here for weeks, reading everyone's stories. So inspiring and I can honestly say brought me to the mindset I'm at now. Yesterday at 7 a.m. I took my last 10 mg, and here I am starting Day 2. I honestly don't feel that bad physically. Surprisingly I slept somewhat last night. I woke up every 2 hours or so, but I wasn't really tossing and turning a lot and was able to get little patches of sleep. Not sure what tonight will bring. I did sweat a lot though! Pretty low motivation today and don't really feel like accomplishing anything. I purposely chose a time to quit though when I HAD to do stuff and leave the house. I don't want to lay around all day, that makes it go by too slowly.

    I feel ashamed coming back here after receiving such positive support from everyone last time. I feel like I let everyone down. But reading posts from people who were around last time (hi Flatsman!) that had the courage to come back and say "i slipped" made me want to do it too. I hope that you can welcome me back and I want to tell you that I truly want this. I know that there is no other option. If I keep going, I'm going to end up not paying my bills and losing my house. When you are in it, these stupid pills come before everything else....and I just can't live that that anymore. I remember how good I felt last time, and how proud of myself. I want that back and I don't want to throw it away again....

  2. #2
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    Hi Moon . Forget about being ashamed or anything negative like that. Put All your energy into getting clean . Most of us here have slipped and had to start over. But if you learn from each relapse you can do this. All the things you said about just weekends controlling the use etc. , well we have all said the same things . Its what addicts do . But if you learn about your addiction each time you can be smart enough to win. Some people learn faster then others , so I hope you are a fast learner. As we talked about before , what is our options ? You cant continue as an addict using narcotics , it will always end badly. You dont want to be a prisoner to the narcotics. Get that attitude going and cop a real mean posture towards narcotics. They are not your friend or savior . They OWN you . Get your freedom back now. You will have to do this sooner or later or you wont ever be free. Im so glad you have decided to stop.
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Hi Flats, thanks so much for coming on and supporting me. I've been reading through your thread....I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now....but the fact is you are clean! I can't even imagine being on Day 38 right now so you might not feel like it, but you are an inspiration to me.

    You are so right....there is no way to continue the life of an addict without being a prisoner. I want to be free and not have to live my life, make my plans, etc. around when I will have pills...

    There's no other choice but to go forward, right? These first few days are the worst, and there is no other way but to just plow through them I guess...

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    Good for you Moon. You know the right things to do . Just think about how much better you are today then you were a few days ago. You might feel terrible , but you are taking steps to save your life. Its not living when your in the throws of using. Please be sure to learn from this set back. Its the one positive you can take from a relapse. In another few days you will be on the other side and gaining clean time. Then you will get back to thinking more clearly and want to be the person you were before narcotics. If we dont have to have narcotics for pain , then there is no real reason to use them . As addicts we have some sort of circuitry in our brain that malfunctions from time to time. Ber aware of it and stay strong. Thats what I am fighting to do right now, I was clean for 58 days once in the last seven years. Then I did exactly what you did and thought I could control my usage. Well I always kept the amount I used under control , but I could never stop using every single day. Then I made excuses for needing them to golf or ski etc. Well I have been skiing and golfing since I quit and I learned a new thing about my addiction. I dont have any pain and never really needed narcotics except for a couple of times when my back really flared up. The other thing I have learned is that even if my back flares up bad , Im an addict . Enough said , cant ever use narcotics again. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. But there are folks here that have won out over narcotics and I intend to be one of them . I have worked too hard in my life to throw it all away on a high. Use the forum Moon , use it often while you are going through this . I will be here for you and so will many others.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey Moon... Good call on coming back... If there were computers around back in the day, I would have had to comeback many many times... So, you know the drill.. just dust yourself off and lets get you feeling better.. We are here for you. All my best., Reid
    For now treat the symptoms, but then you should start thinking about a solid plan to keep you clean.
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Hi Reid, you were a huge support to me the first time around and I'm so happy to hear from you again. Yes, what I need to learn from this last time is that just staying clean isn't enough. I do need a long term plan about how to avoid that path again.

    Right now my physical symptoms are not too bad....but I also know I'm sort of at the beginning. If I can stop feeling sorry for myself for a minute, I could probably get a few things done! Part of me wants to just fast forward these next couple of days....but the other part knows I need to feel the pain again to realize I don't want to keep doing this. I was originally going to start this on Friday night so that I would be doing it over the weekend. But then I just decided to start right away and thought "why not know...that way by Sunday I'll already be on Day 4. I know that last time when I woke up on Day 4 I felt really good physically (not so much mentally, but that takes longer ). Right now mentally I'm not really even focusing on the pills so much, or wanting one....just focusing on how low I feel and not wanting to feel like that. I'm very aware that if I took anything I'd just be living the last 28 hours over again.

    Time to take a shower, put on some music and get the day started.
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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Hi moon ..... if they had computers back in the day they could have had a seperate forum just for me for all the times I relapsed! I know it's not funny but remember this is a process, not an event. Obviously the last time I relapsed was the part of my process where I had been through enough and the same is true for Reid and the rest of us who've been on here for some time and finally managed to get some clean time together.

    I do agree with Reid, address your symptoms for now but you need to get into a support group or do something with a daily plan for yourself to STAY clean or you'll be back again in six months in the same place. I know that I still have a HUGE party left in me if I wanted to do it, but I don't know if I could go through getting clean again I've done it so many times. The last time almost killed me and at my age it could very well do it if I blew it again.

    You know we are here for you if we can help. Glad you had the courage and wisdom to come back and get some help. You have my respect for that. God bless.
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    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by ddcmod; 02-16-2012 at 12:42 PM.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by moon6748 View Post

    [deleted - swearing]

    What are you cussing about moon?
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Hi Robert! Haha, I didn't think I swore in that post....but maybe I said a "sort of" bad word too many times?

    I think I was talking about how I look back on when I quit in August, and I wish I just stuck to that because the circumstances around when i quit were SO much better. The weather was really nice, I had a LOT less to do, my son was in camp most of the day. I definitely didn't lay around on the couch all day, but I could do what I wanted when I wanted (walk, clean, exercise, sit with my head in my hands, etc.). Now there is just so much more going on and I long for that time. Then I tell myself...."someday you might think back to THIS time and say I wish I stuck with that". Like if I got in trouble or our house was being foreclosed. Would say "should have quit then!

    I'm at 48 hours now. Yesterday by the time I got home I just couldn't even drag myself off the couch to the computer. I did manage to take a scalding hot shower, which helped with the fact that I was FREEZING cold, and had non-stop constant chills. I should feel very grateful for the fact that I am actually getting some sleep. Probably about 5 hours total, broken up. Not sure why but the last two nights I wake up all the time, but my body isn't really restless, I don't have to move to the couch or anything.

    Right now I can't say I'm actually craving them, because I'm so disgusted about the money situation and I know it's just going to lead right back into it. But I'm very aware that could change at any second. I managed to get out of bed this morning, take a shower and get dressed. I did feel better after doing that. But right now I'm wondering how I will make it through the whole day. 1 hour at a time I guess.


    Question for anyone....if the physical symptoms usually subside around 72 hours or so, does that mean that 36 hours is the peak? As of right now I think that's when I felt my absolute worst. I'd like to think I'm on the other side of the worst of it right now. Trying to drink a lot of water and just get through this.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Moon.... WD can last around 5 days... If you get less, great... just hope you don't get more. That is why I tell people to treat things as they come and don;t worry about "what is about to happen". If your cold, put a sweater on, if you get the runs, take immodium.... I would also tell you to get some cardio in or workout.. That gets the body producing those natural endorphins again, which your body is craving. I am proud of you Moon! keep it up... Reid
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    Good morning Moon. I got up this morning and posted about Day 40. I immediately thought about you and how you are feeling. This might sound bad but the fact that you slipped is actually a real reminder to me of how easy it is to slip. I dont want to use for recreation but I am struggling with anxiety and would almost do anything to end it. But reading your words , I know that this is not an option. I am reading your posts and I know you will make it this time.
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Hi Reid! Thank you and you're right....no use obsessing about the timeline, because who really knows. Already this time is different from the last as far as the sleep goes.

    I do need to get some cardio in....going to pledge to fit in a short walk today since the weather won't be too bad!

    Won't be able to get online much today but I'm going to trudge through. I just want to keep adding up these days until I feel good. My husband stuck to it when we quit, and I look at him now months later and see how happy he is. I want to be there too!
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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    moon ...... Reid beat me to it. I would have said the exact same thing. Usually days 3-4 are the worst and then each day gets better. But that exercise is the best medication there is for detox! Just push yourself to do as much as you can. It will make you feel so much better sooner. God bless.
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    Good morning....I'm on Day 4 now. Physically things are improving. Stomach issues are still here (all the time), but the awful chills are getting less constant. I'm getting some sleep, even if it's not all together, so I can't really complain about that. My back hurts ALOT, but not sure if that's related to the WD. Do you think it could be? It seemed to just come out of nowhere?? The good thing is that this pain previously would have sent me running to the Dr. for a possible script, but not even thinking about that this time around.

    Have to say that I'm happy I chose to start earlier than I was going to. Had I stuck to my plan I would have been on Day 1 today instead of Day 4! And I think choosing to do this when I HAD to leave the house, run around, interact with people, etc. has served me well. It's made the days go by quicker and I think it might be related to why I'm sleeping a little at night (I'm dead tired by the time night comes). Have a little anxiety about it being the weekend, but I'm going to take a shower soon and head out to take a walk.

    I'm happy that the physical symptoms seem to be subsiding, but last time that's when the mental kicked in hard. This time around I'm more aware that this is the only choice, so that's helping with the cravings. We got paid this week and I was able to fill up our gas tanks with cash and also go grocery shopping with cash. That was a great feeling! If I starting using again I would immediately go back to charging everything and paying bills late, etc. That can't happen, so this is the choice....
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    Hi Moon , and congrats on Day 4 . You know the back issue thing ? I t might be about the WD and it might not. I have been complaining about one symptom after the other. I posted about thinking I might be Diabetic . The thing is this , if its not life threatening , try to ignore the idea of if its related to WD or not. One of the many bad things about using narcotics is this. You cant really know how your body and mind are really feeling. We trade true feelings for false security when we take that first pill. Just keep up the good work you are doing and you will get your true feelings back soon. Thats one of the reasons I wanted to quit . I am 63 and I kept thinking that if I keep using , I could have symptoms of a serious illness and not even know it for a long time as the drugs mask pain. So as you know , just keep going forward and learn from this relapse . Learn the little nuances of your particular addiction. For instance , you have already learned this time that the idea that you can use on weekends only is not true. I have made the exact same mistake in the past. Be a fast learner Moon and get your freedom back.
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    Comeback Kid is offline Advanced Member
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    Im so glad to hear you are doing well Moon. I can second the cash thing. I get a "high" just from paying bills on time, and reaching into my pocket and seeing $60 and spending it on my son or wife. I can't believe I ever went down that road. But those pills are the devil. They will consume every aspect of your life. My house had fallen into disrepair, bills were behind, my truck is in rough shape because I picked opiates over new oil. All that has changed
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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Yes, they are the devil and he will wait years if it takes it to get back into controlling your life! So be vigilant and remember that we are all now pickles, we can never be cucumbers again!
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    Comeback Kid is offline Advanced Member
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    Very True Robert! This is a lifelong battle no doubt.
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Flats, you are right, it's best not to analyze every ache and pain! The fact is that I DO suffer from a bad lower back from time to time. The pills have probably masked a lot of that. But really, that's something most people deal with as they get older, and Advil I'm sure will do the trick!

    Comeback Kid,

    My house had fallen into disrepair, bills were behind, my truck is in rough shape because I picked opiates over new oil.


    I can so relate to you with this. I put EVERYTHING beneath these stupid pills. I can't believe it, but I've paid my mortgage late so many time in the past 6 months. Never too late, but enough to be charged a late fee. Now I want to cry because everyone keeps saying how they are refinancing at 3.99 no points/closing costs. That something we easily would have qualified for before. Now we have all this CC debt and a horrid payment history with our mortgage company. It's really opened my eyes to what I've done. But I know the ONLY thing I can do is keep heading in the right direction and start to repair the damage. Who knows, maybe in a year the rates will still be low, and we'll be in a better spot then?

    Robert, truer (sp.?) words were never spoken about never being able to be a cucumber again. That's where I went wrong last time, and it bit me in the behind. I really think it's about realizing that this is a lifelong battle, and we always have to be prepared.

    I've accomplished a LOT this morning. Honestly, more than I have most Saturday mornings while ON the pills. I'm sure that's a common theme. Have to say that anxiety is worse today than it has been. Something about all the hours of the weekend looming. But I took a great long walk and blared my music and that helped, if only for the time being. My mindset is that it really doesn't matter HOW I'm feeling. I just have to keep adding up hours.

    Was watching the Dr. Drew show last night (just flipped by it...the talk show not Celebrity Rehab). He was talking about how pill addiction is the worst epidemic in our country. Apparantly in Florida (which they said fules the whole Eastern Seaboard with these nasty things) they were having 7 people a day die of an overdose. My husband turned to me and said "you know back last summer when we were doing like 4 or 5 a day? There were times when I was falling asleep when I KNEW my breathing was slowed and it was almost like I could feel that something might happens". He said that never happens anymore so it was definitely the pills. So scary that one of those mornings I could have come out and he'd just have been gone. The other thing Dr. Drew said is that the hallmark of pain pill addiction is that the user just has no concept while they are in it of how bad it's getting. At least for me that was very true. It was like they tricked my brain into not caring about things it had ALWAYS cared about. No matter how bad or anxious I'm feeling, I just can't go back to that life...
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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    moon .... I always say that getting and staying clean is a process and not an event. It sounds to me like you've reached the point in YOUR process that you're ready for all this nonsense to be over ONCE AND FOREVER!!! That makes me happy! Be proud of yourself for every day you beat the demons away. And always post if you feel like you may use. Just do it BEFORE you blow it if it happens again! God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

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    Comeback Kid is offline Advanced Member
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    dang moon, you made me realize im in the same position lol. We were hoping to be able to refinance as well, but now with our incessant late mortgages, and late CC bills our credit is ???? all because the pills came first. CRAZY
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Comeback, I know, doesn't it stink? It's one of those things I can't get out of my head. Mostly because like I said, we wouldn't have had ANY problems before this qualifying easily for that rate. But you know what? I have to remember this feeling, because it's one of the huge reasons I needed to stop. I hated feeling like that about myself. The other reason I chose right now was because we got a nice tax refund, and I was able to kind of "come square" with all of my bills at once (obviously not pay all all the cc bills....that's going to take some time ). I thought to myself "wouldn't you be a FOOL if you got this gift and then two months from now you are right back where you started?". Together let's just hope that these rates last until the end of the year. We can both pledge to never pay another bill late and maybe after almost a year of good payments we can both still benefit from that rate.

    I'm at 96 hours this morning! Can say that the worst of the physical is probably over. Lingering stomach issues, and the sleep is still uneven, but it's there. The chills and freezing feeling probably only happen a couple of times a day. Late afternoon yesterday I started getting anxiety ridden though. So I made myself take my 2nd walk of the day, and then another shower, and that did seem to help.

    This morning I woke up feeling very blah. Just kind of laid in bed and thought "great, another day to get through". But I think the secret for me is to just get up and start the day. Once I got up, showered, and drove out in the sunshine listening to music and getting my coffee I felt SO much better. It really was just the thing I needed. This is where I have to be extra vigilent, because for me, once the physical dies down, the mental kicks in very hard. I don't really have cravings per se....but I don't want to slip into feeling like "great, I'm not doing pills and I won't do pills, but everyday is a struggle to get through now". I have to remind myself that while 96 hours is an accomplishment, I'm like a newborn in this process. And if I don't feel at 96 hours the way I felt at 36....why would I think I'd feel the same at say 90 Days as I do right now, right?

    Sorry for the long post....just trying to give myself a mental pep talk for the day...
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Oh ya, listening to so much music and yesterday during my walk heard U2's "One". Kept replaying this line and can't get it out of my head. It's what I need to keep saying to these pills:

    You ask for me to enter, but then you make me crawl.....and I can't keep holding on, to what you got, when all you got is hurt...."

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    Comeback Kid is offline Advanced Member
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    Im just going to let you start speaking for me moon. You seem to be and feel the exact same as I. The finances was what kept me depressed. And with depression came self medication. We recently got our tax return as well and were able to square some things away. So it's nice to have money at the end of the pay period now. we are on our way to repairing our credit. The money I was spending would put my 7month old through college, twice probably when he is 18. Its scary. But a good scary. Scary enough to make me realize I can't venture down that road again. Its a liberating feeling. On to day 17
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    GOLDA55 is offline Member
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    Smile Hello moon, and all!

    Everytime I read a new thread it feels as if I am reading my own threads. We all wait for each day to pass, we all want to know if what we are feeling is normal, and the blahs we all feel through the process keep coming and going. The physical and mental part of w/d's is the worst thing I have ever experienced, but getting through it is the best thing I have ever experienced..not needing a pill first thing in the morning, not needing one to watch my Grandson play baseball, or to cook a dinner for my family..etc. I still get urges, even after almost 2 months clean, but would NEVER, want that life back when they controlled me and every day I think of them less. I know where you are now Moon, and even though everyone is different, we all want to be "normal" again, and it will happen. There is no CHOICE! I too am 63 years old, and now I must say I feel every bit of that age without the pills, but each day does get better. Stay Strong..it does get easier I promise! Love Golda (grandma)
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    Comeback,

    The finances was what kept me depressed. And with depression came self medication.
    Well now you are speaking for me, haha. That is EXACTLY what I used to do. Get SO anxious and depressed about the state of our finances....then I would take "something" and feel better....all the while having that nagging little voice whispering in my head "you know what's making you feel better IS the problem, right?" I just brushed that voice away too many times. Now it's screaming at me loud and clear, and I know that no matter how many short bursts of happiness and energy the pills gave me, they gave me to much bad stuff too. So like any relationship that is sometimes good, but mostly bad, it was just time to break up.

    Golda, thank you for the great words, they really do mean alot. It's so great to hear that you are doing so well at 2 months out. I think it's important for people to read that, because it gives them hope. I love hearing that you are doing all of those things....those things that while we were ON pills, you wouldn't have been able to do at all if you ran out.

    I think that's the problem right there....in our brains when we are using, we equate being off pills for good with feeling how we feel when we run out. Usually when you run out, you go through Day 1, maybe Day 2 and then end up getting something. So in our minds we think....that's what being clean will feel like....I'll always be tired, miserable, moody, etc. There was a part of me that also thought "I became an addict for a reason...I must have been unhappy, so I'll probably be unhappy again for all the same reasons while off of them". But I'm starting to realize that I really wasn't that unhappy. I started taking something recreationally, and because I was stupid and a little naive to these things, I just didn't see the addiction creeping up on me. And then before I knew it, I WAS addicted.

    And #2, well, if there are reasons for me being unhappy, then I have to change them, no pills can do it for me. They say that you stop growing emotionally when your addiction takes over. For me that's very true. I don't feel like I've made much personal growth, if any, in the past couple of years. To the outside world, maybe....but I know the truth. It's just all been about these pills. Everything. The good times, the bad times, the outings, the vacations, the family gatherings. And it's easy to remember all of those good times with the pills. But the important times to remember are the other times. The times when we couldn't go on the vacation last summer because there was no money. Or when I had to cancel a long standing dinner with a favorite aunt because I had run out and there was no way I could make it. She was so concerned that I was "sick" too. Those are the memories I'm going to carry with me of this relationship.

    I'm at Day 6 now, and while I don't feel amazing physically, it's getting better and better. I'm getting out of bed easier...I have a little feeling of "oh Man", first thing in the morning. But if I shower and get the day started it passes. Unlike last time, this time I know that if I choose to go back, it's with eyes wide open and there is no sugar coating it, I'm choosing to go back to the life of a drug addict. No Way!
    Last edited by deleted116; 02-20-2012 at 07:21 AM.

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    udieipay77 is offline Member
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    HeyMoon hope you're well! Today is day 7, 1 week for me! I've never tried quitting anything before and I'm really proud to make it this far. Feel a whole world of difference! Still some anxiety but everything else ok. I've been taking the sleep aid pills for sleep ( the non habit forming ones) and they've been working for me. Been getting a solid 6-7 hours which for me is fine.
    We can all relate about the money thing. I was lying to myself the whole time and this weekend I went and looked to see how much I was spending.. Almost 1200/ week! I was getting stressed out at work and people couldn't understand, they're like " Pete you're doing well"... If they only knew that my " fixed expenses started at almost 5 grand a month just to get through the day. That makes me so mad and is the reason why I never playing around with them devils again!

    Have a great day!! Stay positive!!!!
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    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Hi Pete, love hearing from ya, you have such a great attitude! Ya, sometimes I would do the math and then add up what our income was...and believe me it did not match up! How was I doing it? Credit Cards, of course! Oh well, I'm looking forward to NEXT year's tax refund, when I can use it for something productive, not for paying bills that should have already been paid.

    I'm so glad your sleeping well and feeling great. I wanted you to know that I thought of your posts all day the other day. Because I was reading one day that it was the worst day for you. Then the next day you came on and said it was a great day. That stuck in my head and I thought "if he can get through a bad day and wake up to a great one, I'm going to try to do that too".

    Our eyes are open now and we can never go back. We'll just keep moving towards our better lives!

  30. #30
    Anonymous Guest

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    Hi Moon , just dropping by to spur you on. See , your doing it . Never again Moon , thats the rant of the day. Your freedom is the prize . Dont ever let yourself be a slave to anything. Especially something as harmful to your life as narcotics. Im really happy for you and maybe this little bump in the road will turn your life around for good.
    Comeback Kid and deleted116 like this.

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