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Back on Day 2 and need to talk..
Hey Moon! I hope this day finds you better.... just wanted you to know, I am rooting you on... Reid
I know EXACTLY what you mean moon. THAT is what I got tired of and what finally made me decide to stop. It was like I had completely let myself and everything that was once important to me go for the pills. And I didn't even care. I hated that I couldn't move in the morning or sleep at night if I didn't take at least two. And I hated that I couldn't make plans because I never knew what I was going to have or when I was going to run out. Because even if I counted them out and had a "plan" for how long they should last, it never worked out that way. I had completely given up control of my life to a little blue pill, and for too long I didn't care--as long as I had them.
Originally Posted by moon6748
I look back now, and it scares me sometimes just how bad it got before I was ready to say that I'd had enough. It was nothing for me to take 8-10 30s in a day. And it wasn't until I stopped taking them, and my new doctor told me that he wouldn't even prescribe cancer patients that high of a dose, that it really hit me how bad I'd gotten. And I look back at all the money I spent, and the people that I hung out with on a regular basis, and I kind of cringe. I don't think any of us set out to be addicts. But it's so easy to slide to a place that you never think you're even capable of going.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I know what you're going through--we all do really. And you're doing a great job! I'll give you the same advice that somebody gave me early on; try not to dwell too much on the things you've done in the past. You can't go back and change them, and it wasn't the real you--it was the addicted you. As long as you don't go back to day 1 then you won't make those mistakes again. We've all done things we're not proud of. But I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how many times you fall down; it only matters that you get back up and try again.
Keep up the good work!! <3 Ava
Just want to see how you are doing...I know the roller coaster ride you are on at this point..but having Freedom is worth it. Everytime I think about the control they had over me, the lying, the visits to the DR., the stories I made up to my family..wow.. They controlled everything...and at the end how many I needed just to feel "normal" not even good anymore. Thats what I keep remembering everytime I think they will give me that EUPHORIC feeling...they stopped really doing that...just needed more and more. Never really truly happy, now when I am HAPPY, it's my own brain.. Keep it up Moon, stay strong..You will find your own "normal" again...Love Golda (grandma)
Hey sweetie, so glad you are back at it! We all know how awful life is with pills, the stress alone is killer, much less the debt and wreaking havoc on our bodies. toward the end of my use my nerves were messed up in my face, could not smell, hear well, see well, taste well and did not want to be touched. Well, that pretty much boxes us up in life when the senses are so dull, life is like a bad dream. Keep on there sweetie. I remember how you inspired me, and I finally quit 48 days ago. I know how much of a party is in me, so I get support, through CR and it really helps me. Have a wonderful day, hope you are feeling strong and as energetic as possible, and dig into the music you love too. I know everyone said that, but it took me a couple weeks to finally get it, and man does music help, although I cried alot too and songs brought me to weeping, so keep it upbeat unless you are wanting to address the pain you have stuck and masked inside by pill use. I guess for me I needed to do that. Then I started listening to Aerosmith and other upbeat stuff I use to sing to alot in my younger days and I could take care of things alot longer during the day with that blaring..lol Much love and hugs to you. Glad you are back!
Im not sure how to work the private messaging on here. Moon do you mind sharing your email with me? or if you know how to PM then send it to me Thanks, just wanted to contact you directly if you don't mind. Your situation is a lot like mine
Just thought I'd let you know, because I went through it recently with SS, you almost have to be online at the same time if you're going to post your email address. I tried to give mine to him, and my posts got deleted by the mod. We couldn't figure out how to work the PM either.
Originally Posted by Comeback Kid
Good morning everyone....Pete, Flats, Reid, Golda, Ava, Comeback, Crying Out....thank you all so much for the support and encouragement. You guys are awesome! You know, I have a friend who's trying to quit, and she insists that she won't go online and look at "any of those boards", because "everyone has different circumstances, and none of those people are me". I've tried explaining to her that that's exactly what draws me here. It's the fact that we are all different people, with all different circumstances....but we are fighting the same battle. To me it's so encouraging to hear people that are 10 days, 20 days, 5 years ahead of me, telling me it only gets better. Just the sheer amount of support I've received on here and everyone sharing what they are going through, it's like having a cheering section all day long, so thank you!
Today is the start of Day 7! I'm very happy about that and it does seem like an accomplishment. That being said I am feeling a tad bit blah this morning, and a little anxious. I think it's all about the change of schedules. I felt this way on Saturday morning when the weekend was starting. Something about shifting from the "work week" schedule to the weekend. Now that the 3 day weekend is over, I think I'm having that same "adjustment anxiousness" feeling. I know the answer though....get showered and get started!!! I think my motto over the whole weekend was "Fake it Till You Make It". Love that one and it seemed to fit.
I do want to let myself be happy about actually making it through a 3 day weekend though. And you know what's actually funny? I'm seriously getting more done than I did on the pills. Didn't think I would be saying that during the first days. Yesterday I got up, showered, got coffee, took a long walk, made a big family dinner, went out shopping with my husband & son, came back and cleaned everything up and then went to work for a few hours. I was definitely EXHAUSTED by the time bedtime rolled around, but I had a huge sense of satisfaction that I had done all of those things ON MY OWN. I know that I just have to trust that my energy will only keep getting better as time goes on. In the meantime I just have the hit the ground running and go.
I'm also just trying to train my brain to calm down and take one thing at a time. Part of why I liked taking the pills was because I would look around my house and see all of the things that needed to be done. I would get overwhelmed and anxious and want everything done at once. So then I would take a pill and that feeling would go away. It would calm me down. BUT, in the beginning when I would take a pill the feeling would go away AND I would actually do the chores I was looking at. I was like Superwoman! In the end, I would take a pill, sit on the couch and do NOTHING. They stopped making me Superwoman and just started making me "Not Care Woman". So now I'm just trying to think to myself "everything doesn't have to get done at once". All day long now I keep thinking to myself "I'm doing the best I can". It seems to be helping.
Sure hope that this blah feeling passes....I think it's supposed to be mild here today so maybe that will help. If not, I just have to look at it like....it's 24 hours, you can get through 24 hours of anything, and tomorrow we will see what comes. Did anyone like that movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? It actually has one of my favorite movie lines in it.....it's from the ending when he's talking to his friend after realizing that the wife has moved on. There's a lot more to the quote, but the relevant part to us is......
And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
This Too Shall Pass.... one I have learned to live by... You put your situation down well... Your new routine will become habit after a few weeks and you will be better for it. I remember when I first got clean, I had to relearn my life and everything about it... Eating, sleeping, just exsisting without pills. What I knew I had done in the distant path (good things) I had to relearn how to do again.. I can assure you it comes. I started out by knowing I had a lot to do, but would focus on a list I would make up. I called it my ToDo list and I would focus on just one of the to do's until I accomplished it and then I would cross it off and feel good about it for a bit.. The accomplishment drove me to want to do another... and so on.. Soon, I was back to the old self I lost and more organized as well. Again, it's a process, one you have to work at, but one that is rewarding as well. I am not sure I told you this early on, but I tell newbies who are going through the 5 day detox to make 'X"'s on the calender each day... Well, this transistions to what I explained above.. The thought is to write things down.. Accomplishments first with the "x"'s and then once you get clean, lists of ToDo's... I look at it this way, as addicts we look for gratification, hopefully immediate.. These lists do it for us... See and "X", feel good, cross a todo off the list, feel good.... Anyway, I hope that helps you a little.. Day 7 is great!!! Keep it up and be proud of yourself, we are proud of you... Reid
Hey Reid, thank you for the advice. I am definitely going to do up a manageable "to do" list for everyday, and getting to cross things off will make me happy, for sure!
Well, so far today the Blah Feeling hasn't passed I'm not tempted to get anything, but I'm finding that today I am thinking "wouldn't feel so blah if I was still taking something". Then I try to think "but you probably would, because you'd be out, or running out, etc, etc. Towards the end even when I got a lot, it pretty much only lasted like 2 1/2 days and then I was on the hunt again. It was a vicious cycle.
There is something about today though, it's been my toughest mentally yet. I just don't have the excitement and enthusiasm about "being in the fight" that I did the last couple of days. Don't get me wrong. I WILL NOT USE. I just am feeling sorry for myself and wish I didn't feel like this. Hoping that tomorrow is a better day
I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.
Hi Robert, I was kind of selfishly hoping you'd pop by
Thanks for the encouraging words. You are absolutely right about just picking up where we left off. The only reason I didn't got back up as high this last time was just a matter of less access (I would of if I could have). But I did go back to being an everyday/all day user. And that's what would happen this time.
I'm going to just have to chalk Day 7 up in the books as a lousy one. No motivation, no energy, a little weepy. Yuck! The good news is, as bad as I feel right now, I know that the last answer would be using. It's just that fear starts setting in that this is what its always going to be like, a struggle. I know after a while last time I felt better....but its hard for me to reference last time because I feel like I had an "out" in my head then, and I don't have it now.
I've read a lot of people (by coincidence or not) on here say that Day 8 was a great one for them. I'm hoping it can be for me too. Ugh, only 7 hours till bedtime
On a slightly less whiny note....can NOT believe that payday is coming around again in just 2 days. Just checked the bank account and there is actually still money in there! In months and months by the time payday has rolled around we are usually negative in our account. That was a nice little motivational boost....
Still hate this day though
I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.
Thank you so much Robert....it really was what I needed to hear!!
Hey Moon, you're doing a GREAT JOB! You're going to have some bad mental days. I'm at day 33 and I still have them. I found (for me--everybody's different) that once the excitement of getting through one more day and getting closer to feeling better physically wore off, the mental battle definitely started. And that was a lot harder for me. I tried to listen to music, get out of the house as much as possible, and spend time with other people. Being by myself made everything a lot harder.
It was either Flattsman or Reid that told me--when I felt exactly like you do now--that when the mental battle begins you have to really dig in and know that you WANT to stay clean. I'm paraphrasing that of course, I'm sure they said it way better than I just did. And it's easy to see that you really want this, so I think you'll be fine. You just have to accept the fact that sometimes you're going to have a bad day. But a bad day clean is still WAY BETTER than a "good" day using.
Keep up the good work...one day at a time. <3 Ava
Ava, thank you so much for the support. Your words and attitude are great and really mean alot!
So Day 7 is officially in the books, and I'm glad to put it to bed. I actually made it through and only about 1/2 hour till bedtime, yeah! I started to really get into a slump around 2 p.m., so I put on my ipod and told myself that if I got these 3 things done, that would be all I would have to do to feel like I accomplished something. I did them! Wish I could say my mood miraculously got better, but it didn't. But the important thing I learned was that I got through it.
I really hope that tomorrow is better, but if it isn't I'm going to get through that too. I HAVE to get to the other side of this, failure just isn't an option.
Thanks to everyone for their support!
Good morning, Day 8....feeling a little bit better mentally than I was yesterday morning. Showered and got coffee and put something in the crockpot for dinner. Trying to just focus on the moment and not let those crazy thoughts slip into my head!
Crock pot dinner!!! YUMMMMM... When my wife does Ribs in the crockpot... Well YUMM... Anyway, congrats on day 8 moon! so very proud of you and nice to see you are helping others! Keep it up.. Reid
Hi Reid, Ribs sound great! I'm a big crockpot person (so easy!)....today is Pot Roast w/ carrots and red potatoes.
So like I said, today didn't start out with a great mood or anything. But definitely forcing myself to get out is a good thing. I'm kind of realizing that while I felt physically worse over the weekend, mentally I was a little better. Reason being I think is because my husband was home....so there was company AND someone to share the parenting duties. I could go out and get my coffee by myself or go out and take a number of walks. I'm a stay at home mother (with a small side job that I fit it during the weekend days or nights thats flexible). It's tough being at home all the time. It's isolating and monotonous....and I think that's a big reason while a lot of stay at home mothers start taking stuff. It makes those monotonous days into interesting days! Believe me I do take my son out to parks, etc. all the time....and I have plenty of friends with kids the same age so I could have a playdate everyday of the week if I wanted. But at the end of the day, it's still a little like Ground Hog Day and it's easy to slip into a sort of "depression" if you don't stay very aware and on top of things.
Anyways, I'm muddling through today. Very slow start at first, but made myself get out there and do a couple of errands, and spend some time outside. I'm just reading a lot of the threads and replies from all of you guys that are way ahead of me, and it puts my situation into perspective. Day 8 is something to be proud of, but it's still Day 8. We want to feel completely "normal" once the physical wd's are pretty much gone, but it doesn't work that day. As Golda previously said..."what's normal anyways?".
If the reasons I talked about above played a part in me getting addicted to these pills, then I can't sit around and just wait for it to happen again. I have to change things up. Seriously thinking about joining the Y. They have a pool and tons of different classes and it would be something different. Gotta add new things into my life to give me those "good" feelings.
Sorry, all over the place right now!!
Moon , it sounds like you have learned a lot from your relapse . Thats what I was talking about earlier in your thread. When you learn about what makes your addiction unique , your better equipped to make sure that a relapse doesnt happen again. Remember that " normal " is not euphoria everyday. It is ups and downs with a sprinkling of euphoria thrown in here and there. But I wouldnt trade that feeling of clarity for pills . I have been tempted but I hate the feeling of being a prisoner to drugs . I value my freedom way too much. Good work on Day 8 and just keep adding clean time. It gets better , but its a slow process from this point on.
PLEASE DON'T TRY TO RUSH THINGS, I LEARNED IN W/D'S THAT I CAN ONLY FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME..TO MUCH THINKING MAKES IT WORSE, AT LEAST IT DID FOR ME. IF I ACCOMPLISHED 1 THING IN 1 DAY I NEEDED TO BE HAPPY WITH THAT, STILL CAN'T MULTI-TASK YET AFTER 60 DAYS SO PLEASE DON'T TRY. WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU TO STAY CLEAN YOU MUST DO, UNLESS IT IS REALLY AN IMPORTANT THING FOR YOUR CHILDREN. MY GROWN KIDS SAID TO ME THAT THEY DIDN'T WANT A MOM WHO WAS ON PILLS TO BE ABLE TO HELP THEM, BUT THEY ARE GROWN, IT IS HARDER WITH YOUNGER ONES. THE DAYS ARE HARD I KNOW, BUT PLEASE STAY STRONG, IT WILL END UP BEING SO MUCH BETTER. I AM NOT ALL THERE YET, BUT I KNOW MY YOUNG GRANDCHILDREN SEE A DIFFERENT GRANDMA THAN WHEN I WAS ON PILLS, ESPECIALLY MY 13 YEAR OLD AND WE HAVE BECOME CLOSE AGAIN. WE THINK WE WERE GREAT WHEN WE TOOK THEM, BUT WE WERE NOT. REMEMBER PLEASE TRY TO ACCOMPLISH 1 THING AT A TIME FOR NOW..NO PRESSURE IF POSSIBLE..I TOO WAS A STAY AT HOME MOM FOR MANY YEARS AND SO IS MY DAUGHTER, BELIEVE ME I KNOW ITS NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WORLD TODAY, BUT BEING CLEAN DOES MAKE LIFE LESS STRESSFUL, IT JUST TAKES TIME..LOVE GOLDA (grandma)
Flats, I think that's a really important thing to remember. "Normal" is not feeling euphoria everyday. I remember when I was working, way before I ever started taking pills....I used to have really bad, really slow days at work. Days where I would come home and barely be able to keep my eyes open at 7 p.m. I just never questioned it because at that point I knew that was "real life"....what other choice is there? There is a fear in me that now I know "the secret" of how the pills can make you feel, that I'll never forget it. And maybe I won't? Maybe the real secret is remembering all of the damaging stuff they have done too.
Golda, thank you so much for sharing your perspective as a mother/grandmother. It means alot. And you pointed out something that I should have seen myself. All weekend long I kept telling myself "you are doing the best you can do", and that made me happy. Ever since Tuesday, once I was feeling more physically better, I've been expecting a lot more of myself....and maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I need to go back to just taking the next thing that's in front of me. If I can do it, great, if I can't....than I'll get to it tomorrow.
So today is Day 9....I think I'm improving ever so slightly mentally each day. It's barely perceptable (sp?), but I think it's there. Today is going to be really nice here today, and I have a couple of hours to myself, so I'm going to try to take advantage of that and lift my mood as best I can. I have this goal in my head that I really want to be in a whole different place once the nice weather REALLY gets here. I HATED previously that on beautiful spring/summer days, if I was out or really low, I couldn't go outside and do the things I wanted to. Sure when I had them it was great....but those other times? How depressing. So I want to experience the truly nice weather with my own feelings, emotions and energy. By May 15th I should be 3 months in, and that just sounds amazing to me. If I have to get through these not so great days to get there, it's just what I'm going to have to do...
Go Moon Go... That great attitude will go a long way in getting you to May!!!
Hey Moon, try to think back to your life before pills, there was a person who did things without medication. If you can remember that person, you will become that person again, only with more knowledge, wiser, and a better person with what you have gone through. That person will come back, only better. It really does happen, but please don't push it, go with each day. Bad day and good days, Stay Strong, it is worth is..believe me..FREEDOM is great.
Good morning everyone, here I am at Day 10 I'm still struggling quite a bit mentally, but I guess the overall point is that I'm clean and I intend to stay that way. I'm just going to have to ride out these feelings. I'm trying....I've been taking walks and all of that. I just can't seem to do anything to completely lift my mood. Right now I'm just feel sorry for myself and I KNOW that if I just got moving, I'd feel a lot better.
It's funny that you say this....when we bought this house I never used pills. We did SO much work to it....ripping up carpets, tearing down wallpaper (which is just a form of h*** if you ask me!), painting every room. We did all of this in 1 month, while still working our full time jobs. I swear to you that there have been so many times that I've looked around and thought "who WERE those people??..How did they DO all that without pills??" That's a really sad thought, and I guess my fear has been that once I got addicted, I killed that person off, and she'll never come back. So it's very nice to hear you say that she will come back someday. Hey Moon, try to think back to your life before pills, there was a person who did things without medication. If you can remember that person, you will become that person again, only with more knowledge, wiser, and a better person with what you have gone through.
I'm going to push through today just like the last couple of days. Hopefully one of these mornings I can come on here and say "I feel great", I guess it's just going to take more time...
Last edited by moon6748; 02-24-2012 at 09:14 AM.
Hey moon, I just wanted to let you know that thinking that the old you will never come back is a legitimate fear that I think most of us have. I definitely did. I messed around with pills off and on for ten years, and then it was always on for the last three years. I can still remember posting on my thread that I've been taking pills since I was seventeen, I had absolutely NO IDEA who I was without them. I wasn't sure I'd ever really given myself a chance to find out. And that TERRIFIED me.
Originally Posted by moon6748
I wasn't actually the one that noticed the old me coming back at first. Because I really couldn't remember what my life was like without pills, I didn't really know what to look for at first. My family and closest friends were actually the ones that noticed and they'd point it out to me because they knew I was afraid of not finding "me". And once they started to point it out, and I knew what to look like, it was easier to remember. Once I started to remember,and actually get back to being that girl, I realized that I didn't need those pills as much as I always thought I did. I was actually a much better person without them. You'll get there too. Maybe you won't recognize the old you at first. But the people closest to you will. It might just be a moment, or a look, or something you say. Those moments will serve as reminders to you, and they'll start to build up, and then you'll just get back to being who you were before the pills.
As far as feeling sorry for yourself, you're allowed. We've all been there. Your emotions are all over the place right now. There were days that I'd get on here in the morning and post how I felt great, and then by afternoon I'd be posting about how awful my day was. I know that we're all just trying to get through one day at a time, but I found (for me) that when I was having a "blah" day or I felt sorry for myself, focusing on the whole day was just too much. I had to focus on the moments. For the moments during each day when I felt bad, I'd do whatever I could or needed to do just to get through that moment. And for the moments in the day when I felt good, I'd celebrate the feeling, and cling to the moment to help get me to the next one. I promise that those good moments will start to add up too, and eventually you will have a whole "I feel great" day.
Cheekysod posted on my thread the other day (after my first awful doctor's appt) that life is full of ups and downs, but at least we're actually FEELING those ups and downs, and not numbing ourselves out with pills. I think that as addicts, we sometimes forget that everybody has good and bad days. It's not really an addiction thing, it's a LIFE thing. All any of us can do is get through today, and do whatever we can to make tomorrow better.
I'm sorry that this post kind of turned into a book. You've posted things to me that genuinely helped me get through some of the "feel sorry for myself" moments I've been having lately, and I wanted to try and do the same for you. You're doing such an AMAZING job moon!! Ten days is great; especially when it seems like yesterday when you posted that you were back on day 2 and needing to try again. You've already come such a long way, and you've helped and continue to help so many others in the process (me included). I'm so proud of you; and you should definitely be proud of yourself. Just try to remember, and keep telling yourself, that a bad day clean is still way better than a "good" day using.
Life is hard moon, and it's very rarely perfect. But at least we're actually LIVING it now, instead of just existing and watching it pass us by. That definitely counts for something!
Keep your head up, cling to the good moments you have to help get you through the bad ones, and know that I'm here if you need me.
Ava, I'm truly touched by your response....I have tears in my eyes. Please don't ever apologize for your reponse "turning into a book". The longer the better! (have you seen all of my posts?, ha ha!). Seriously though, when I logged back on and saw your post I got SO excited to read it. You really have give me a boost to make it through this morning.
I think part of it too is that because in the first few days typically you start feeling better everyday, I think that I kind of expected that same theme to continue. I've forgotten that after the physical wd's, it doesn't necessarily go like that. Each day doesn't necessarily HAVE to be better than the last. And like you said, that could just be because it's life.
I've been thinking alot about how everyone says "normal life isn't euphoria everyday. It's up and down". And thinking about my past life without the pills. I think for non-addicted, normal people.....what most do is get through the mundane work and work week....and then look forward to those moments of happiness in maybe going out to dinner on a Friday night....have a nice vacation to look forward to and then go on, seeing a movie, etc. etc.
When I really became addicted to the pills, I feel like I gave all of those things up. I traded them in for having the "good feelings" everyday. It's so sneaky too...because at first the pills are an added, welcome addition to those dinners and vacations. But before you know it, they take over, and you don't have any money, time, or general caring for anything else. I guess it's about realizing that there is no reason I SHOULD feel excited about waking up on a snowy, cold, wet Friday...when I'm stuck in the house and all I really have to do is housework (boo!). It's just about doing what I need to do and finding the moments when they come??
Again, thank you so much....I really was getting a little anxious that this is always how I'm going to feel. I really do need people to keep telling me that it's only Day 10 (as proud as I am), and that it WILL get better. Without that hope it would be just too depressing...
Congrats on Day 10 . Thats right Moon , life is about ups and downs. But when we are using we control every emotion with narcotics . But at a cost that is un-sustainable . Just give your brain chemistry the precious time it needs to get back to where it was before you ever used narcotics. Most of us who have been using for years have long forgot who we really were. I am 47 days clean and still waiting for the real me to return. But even the person I am right now is better then the person I was . I cant stand to be controlled . I told someone here to think about it this way. If you were being mistreated by someone on a daily basis . someone who was totally controlling you . This person was taking all your money and ruining your health . What would you do ? Well of course you would avoid that person . You would say you deserve better and dont want to be mis-treated . So its the same way with these narcotics, Avoid them and get a real negative attitude towards them . They are the enemy , not the friend. They will make you feel good but at a cost that is unacceptable . Keep going forward Moon , I remember when you did it before , now this is the last time. Kick those crumby narcotics right out of your precious life.
Good morning Day 11 I'm feeling a LOT better today. Not all the way there, for sure....but a definitely improvement over the last couple of days. I woke up this morning actually feeling hopeful. I can kind of feel that excitement coming back and I"m looking forward to what Day 11, 12, 13, etc. brings to me.
On another motivating note....this week was our second paychecks where I wasn't taking large amounts of money out of the atm a couple of times a week. I'm shocked at what a difference its already made. And shocked that I allowed myself to kid myself for so long that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing!
I just want to keep getting better....physically, mentally, and as a person. Its time for me to start growing, and becoming the person I was meant to be. I might have bad days here and there, but I am in this fight!