[dlubleonuthin]

I am once again having a sleepless night as I have many times since my divorce. I lay awake and think about my life as a soldier, and all the changes since getting out of the Army. So clear is the face of dear friend I once had. His confidence and certainty, always on point and squared away. The kind of guy who could do anything he wanted. We served our entire 5 plus year tour together went through all kinds of schools and training, the Iraq War, and then we got out. 6 months after getting out he left me and now I am alone. Sometimes when I look in the mirror he is still there. Sometimes when I get ready to do something that may not be right he asks me why. Every once in a while I listen but most of the time I tell him to go away.

Before all the Army stuff I was a party kid from hell. I had a child before I even graduated highschool and still did not slow down. My drugging drinking and whoring around got me in some trouble so I joined the service and that is where I met the person that was always inside of me.

Now let me not waste your time with anymore about him let me tell you about girlfriend I used to have. Her name is Oxi. She is controlling dangerous and so beautiful all at once. One date with her is never enough and spending everyday all day with her is not enough either. She did not come around until I had been out of the military for 2 and a half years. So harmless and so easy to get by with I never saw all the baggage she brought wtih her. Then I broke up with her finally and you can to, that is if you are ready to admit your relationship with her is not a good one.

I do not even believe I am typing this right now. I just know that to someone even if it is just one person out there that reads this and it helps then it was well worth a lost night of sleep for me.

I had done every drug none to man, and can readily get drugs from the VA. In fact for a while I had a prescription for percocette and aderall that I took everyday for 2 plus years. I never had a problem with those. I could follow the rules for the most part and every once in a while I would party a little if I had extra. Really nothing excessive though. I was a pot smoker after getting out of the Army and I used steroids. Overall things were fine.

Well I ended up having 360 40mg pills more or less fall in my lap one day. They were OC pills of course. I was certain I would never get addicted and that was all there was to that..........With in two weeks that changed. Before I knew it I was up to 80mgs a day. I could work harder I was happier I was more energetic everything seemed so perfect. Then one morning I got up and felt like I had the flue. I did not know why hell just the day before everything was fine. I had the runs, cold chills, aches, pains, and no energy at all. I was about to call into work when I remembered I had my majic pills. I chopped up a 40 twisted a dollar up, snorted half of it. WOW!!!! I was pushed back into the seat of my work truck. I felt so much better almost even good. So I snorted the rest and I will be damned if I did not feel perfect.
I realized with a sickening feeling of shame I had a problem. I looked in the mirror and said you are so F$cked. I knew then and there that this was no game. Truth is this when I look back. I had a problem all along just it was legally done. Now I had one of the most powerful man made pain pills in the world in my possesion and it had effectively taken me into its possesion. I felt shame, I felt guilt. I felt weak. I was angry at myself. I had a new wife at home and had to tell her which I did. I told her 3 days later. She took it well and was key to my recovery.

I tapered for 2 weeks then I had a slip up. Then I said hell with it and dropped the long bomb on it. The first two days I had a total of 10 mgs. Then nothing for 3 or four days then a little bit one night. Then nothing for like 2 weeks. Then I got a injury and used some to get through that. Then I tossed the rest of it out the window going down the road one day.

I will tell you this the first two days are hell no way around it unless you get medical help. I was sick I was tired I was angry I was depressed I could not sleep at night or stay awake during the day. I made myself go to the gym. The nights were the very worst thing you can imagine. The first two were just hell. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run away. That is the best way to put it. After day 3 it got way better then after that it was just on my mind but my body was mine again accept for passing diarrea. Everynow and then anxiety attacks. I took clomazapam and finegrin to get by. I got that from one of my "cool" friends. I made it. I made it. I made it. So can you.


It has been 3 months now. I feel much better for the most part. It crosses my mind and sometimes I act out my feelings in the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like old me again. My problem is not this drug. My problem is me. I need to find out why I have these tendencies and fix them. I can not blame the drug company my friends I am a man I am responsible for my actions and so are you.

[Cats Meow]

Dlubleonuthin, thanks for sharing.