[Gategoddess66]

I had a good boyfriend, he lived with me for almost three years.

Unfortunately, in those three years he became addicted to Pot and prescription pain killers. Nothing specific...just any pain killer he could get his hands on.

He took my sleeping medicine two and three at a time just to sleep a few hours.

Then went to the Pot and Prescrip pills.

I supported him for almost the entire time we were together. I paid the rent, utilities, helped him with his cigarettes, gas, and food.

Last week, I caught him "lending" money to another drug addict with whom he works.

That was it, I knew, even though I love this man with all my heart, I had to get him out of my life until he went to get help.

I threw his stuff out of the house, well..placed it outside...after he was angry that I went out with girls from work (it was more a meeting for work items, rather than completely social). I never get to go out, so this was a good thing for me, and I felt he would understand. Obviously not, as he went off the deep end with messages.

After throwing him out, he moved back with his parent, whom is also addicted to pain killers, and now is calling me hurtful, nasty names. He is insisting I pay for items, like a chair, that my child uses, that he gave to her...and so on.

I simply told him that I could not stand by to watch him kill himself with the drugs, but he is telling me I didn't love him "unconditionally."

I feel I do love him unconditionally, because I am doing this so, even if I break my heart forever, he will get help (Maybe) after realizing that he lost a great person and a good situation. We almost never fought. When he was mean due to the pain killers, I just blew it off and let him alone.

Tell me....did I do the wrong thing? I don't want to watch him die, which I know was going to happen with the usage of his magnitude. I felt I couldn't just sit by anymore, supporting three people on my very small salary. Cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry most of the time. He did some small household things, once in a while.

Did I do the right thing?

My heart is breaking when he still tells me he loves me, but in the same sentence calls me the most horrible names. I just tell him that I love him and I will be here when he is ready for rehab.

Thanks for listening

[MDmom]

Originally Posted by Gategoddess66

I had a good boyfriend, he lived with me for almost three years.

Unfortunately, in those three years he became addicted to Pot and prescription pain killers. Nothing specific...just any pain killer he could get his hands on.

He took my sleeping medicine two and three at a time just to sleep a few hours.

Then went to the Pot and Prescrip pills.

I supported him for almost the entire time we were together. I paid the rent, utilities, helped him with his cigarettes, gas, and food.

Last week, I caught him "lending" money to another drug addict with whom he works.

That was it, I knew, even though I love this man with all my heart, I had to get him out of my life until he went to get help.

I threw his stuff out of the house, well..placed it outside...after he was angry that I went out with girls from work (it was more a meeting for work items, rather than completely social). I never get to go out, so this was a good thing for me, and I felt he would understand. Obviously not, as he went off the deep end with messages.

After throwing him out, he moved back with his parent, whom is also addicted to pain killers, and now is calling me hurtful, nasty names. He is insisting I pay for items, like a chair, that my child uses, that he gave to her...and so on.

I simply told him that I could not stand by to watch him kill himself with the drugs, but he is telling me I didn't love him "unconditionally."

I feel I do love him unconditionally, because I am doing this so, even if I break my heart forever, he will get help (Maybe) after realizing that he lost a great person and a good situation. We almost never fought. When he was mean due to the pain killers, I just blew it off and let him alone.

Tell me....did I do the wrong thing? I don't want to watch him die, which I know was going to happen with the usage of his magnitude. I felt I couldn't just sit by anymore, supporting three people on my very small salary. Cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry most of the time. He did some small household things, once in a while.

Did I do the right thing?

My heart is breaking when he still tells me he loves me, but in the same sentence calls me the most horrible names. I just tell him that I love him and I will be here when he is ready for rehab.

Thanks for listening

You did EXACTLY the right thing....for him, for you and mostly for your daughter. Please don't let him take you to that hell anymore. Taking him back is not what he needs. I can't write much now, must get to an interview then taking my own 24 yo son to hospital for heroine detox. Thank God he agrees to go. I will pray for you and will check on you later tonight. God bless you for your courage to stop the insanity.

[MaisieC]

You absolutely did the right thing. I am so sorry you're having to go through this; I know it's very hard. Living the way you were was actually enabling his drug-using behavior. He has to learn to get clean and stand up on his own two feet like an adult. His abusive behavior toward you is unacceptable. I know you love him, but at this point he cannot love anything but the drugs. Does he see any need at all to get clean? Without at least that first step and a real effort on his part, things are only going to get worse.

Have you changed the locks? I strongly suggest doing so, and you also might want to make a call to your local police/sheriff just to get some information about the best ways to protect yourself and your child. Just in case.

I know this is very rough, but you really need to take care of yourself and your daughter. If you take him back, you won't be doing anyone any good.

Please take good care of yourself.

[Lost83]

Let Me Fall All By Myself


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

[jennydon]

Sorry for what your going through,,,, Too many of us have husbands/boyfriends who have let themselves get involved with this ********... You have to put your foot down theres no other way,,,, You refuse to live like this , he has to make a choice,,, if he chooses the drugs its better off for you if you know that now,,,, I know how hard it is but you have to do it....

[Gategoddess66]

I appreciate the comments, poems, and words of support. I'm going to Alanon tomorrow to try to get through this.

This was done out of love for him. I told him that, and I told him that someday he might understand. I let the remarks pass and just told him I loved him.

Thank you again, and I will check in again tomorrow.

You are all wonderful!

[Robert_325]

I hope all of you ladies have success with your boyfriends/husbands. I mean that sincerely.

I have to say though in all fairness that I ran off an old girlfriend for trading one of my cars for some drugs while she was supposed to be out job hunting. Pretty cute huh???

I called the car in stolen and found out from the police the next day what had happened. They didn't know who she was and I didn't tell them but I was pissed. It was a long time ago but couldn't get rid of her ass fast enough after that.

This deal works both ways, it's not always the guys who pull the stupid tricks. God bless.

[klopper22]

Ditto.....

[Gategoddess66]

I know it's not only the guys; women are addicts too, and do stupid things.

What was I doing was trying, not to stereotype, but just to put my feelings out there.

Listening isn't hearing is what I told him...I talked for a year for him to get help, and he never 'heard' me. Now I am miserable and wondering how I could have been so nasty.

But everyone is saying I did the right thing. After one year of talking, the abuse was getting worse. I don't mind paying for most of the items in the house, but a little help would have gone a long way.

The money went to drugs.

I'm beside myself with grief. I miss him so much. I haven't really eaten since Saturday afternoon (little bites here and there but they just keep coming up). I can't sleep. I can't function.

He was my best friend.

Can I watch him die?

After speaking with him last night, I believe might have gotten the message, but feels I should have sat him down to 'talk' with him first before placing his items outside.

I told him...I talked for one year. It was time for action, not words any longer.

Thanks for listening.

[Robert_325]

I was just teasing about women more than anything. I didn't mean anything by it and I know you didn't mean anything about it only being guys. I think you did exactly what you HAD to do. It wasn't that you wanted to run him off, you had to and it WAS for his benefit. Don't be so hard on yourself. You've got to let him work through this to where HE decides he's had enough. You're doing well, just hang in there. God bless.

[Gategoddess66]

Thank you. I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life. I feelt like I kicked someone when they were down. I just couldn't support, and enable, him anymore. Everytime he sends me a nasty message about how horrible I am, I tell him that I love him and he will understand one day. Drugs are horrible.

I know you didn't mean it, I know you were just venting. We all have our problems with both male and female significant others. I'm here to listen, just have others have listened to me.

Thanks for writing back. I am so down right now. I didn't want to do this, but if he gets help, it will be all worth it, even he and I are not together. I know I helped someone get help, with tough love. I am missing my best friend every minute of the day.

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by Gategoddess66

Thank you. I feel worse than I have ever felt in my life. I feelt like I kicked someone when they were down. I just couldn't support, and enable, him anymore. Everytime he sends me a nasty message about how horrible I am, I tell him that I love him and he will understand one day. Drugs are horrible.

I know you didn't mean it, I know you were just venting. We all have our problems with both male and female significant others. I'm here to listen, just have others have listened to me.

Thanks for writing back. I am so down right now. I didn't want to do this, but if he gets help, it will be all worth it, even he and I are not together. I know I helped someone get help, with tough love. I am missing my best friend every minute of the day.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. You really, truly have done the right thing. Please remember that your boyfriend can make the decision to get clean. It's not like you just abandoned a helpless person with cancer...he has a disease that only he can cure, and he's gotta make that decision.

My heart goes out to you. Did you get to Alanon as you mentioned? I think it would be terrifically helpful to you. There will be people there who understand your situation completely, and you might very well find a source of support in those meetings that can sustain you through the hardest times. We are here for you, but "live" people are good, too.

Please take good care of yourself.

[Gategoddess66]

Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me. Even people I don't know understand.

I supported him for almost three years (since Nov 2006), and it has just gotten worse over the years. The last year has been the worst of all.

I'm going to Alanon, but the meeting I was to attend today had moved, without it being posted on the phone....so I went to the wrong place.

I will go next week, as my schedule doesn't fit those meetings available. I will go though. I just wanted someone, somewhere to tell me that even though I told him throught this past year that I wasn't going to continue to support him if he didn't quit......that I wasn't a complete ********** by putting his stuff at the door. He had a place to stay. His painkiller addicted parent's house. I knew he wouldn't be on the street.

Why do we love these people? Does anyone know that or can answer that? I've been crying for three days. I've lost almost 10 pounds (I'm heavy to begin with so it's okay), and I haven't slept. why do we love these people so much that we are willing to rearrage our life, enable them, and wonder why they are so ugly to us when they are on the drugs?

I'm not an angel, I don't do drugs. I like my wine. That's it. I just can't understand the addictive personality. Nothing is enough for them.

[MaisieC]

"Why do we love these people" is a darn good question, and if you are able to get into some Alanon meetings you'll gain some insight into that. There's almost always some element of co-dependency in these relationships. It's something you can learn about and gradually learn to overcome.

Why were you supporting him for all that time? (This may be relevant to the co-dependency question.)

Take care of yourself.

[MDmom]

You just talk and ask all you need to Dearheart. We will listen. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time in letting go of him. I can almost feel your pain. Do you have any girlfriends who can encourage you when you are feeling like you want to let him back? How about your family, are they helpful to you? I agree, a support group like Alanon would be a good step. Keep trying, you'll find the right group of people to walk with you as you learn to live a healthier life. So what that you threw his stuff out. that's yesterday's news. Don't let him draw you back by focusing his stuff on you. He's gone, and needed to be. Now you need to focus on YOU, yourself and your daughter and what you need to think, say and do to go out and make a healthy life for the two of you. I know you said that you miss him...and I so get it (been there). But seriously do you miss him or someone in your life to love? Cuz Sweetie, it sounds like he did not love you, he loved his drugs first. I don't mean to hurt you, but the sooner you see how destructive he was to you, and you let him do it for 3 years, you'll be able to move on to creating a healthy life for you. Why do people allow others in their lives like you have? I won't give a pat answer b/c there isn't one. I don't know you. But I do know that instead of asking why, ask "ok, now what do I do for me and my daughter?" then surrounfd yourself with healthy, loving, sober, supportive people to encourgage you. I will be praying for you! Let us know how you are. Love, MDmom

[Lost83]

3 words,,, GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!! Always helps me clear my mind

[confusion99]

Hi I have been going through this same situation. My now ex is in detox and then to rehab. I feel guilty as hell and have a daughter as well. He is giving me the guilt trips and tells me I gave up on him right before he got a chance to get help. I just was wondering how your situation is now to maybe give some hope to mine. Thank you

[Lost83]

Originally Posted by confusion99

Hi I have been going through this same situation. My now ex is in detox and then to rehab. I feel guilty as hell and have a daughter as well. He is giving me the guilt trips and tells me I gave up on him right before he got a chance to get help. I just was wondering how your situation is now to maybe give some hope to mine. Thank you

Confusion99,

He will learn in rehab that you did not abandon him in his time of need, you stuck to your boundaries and did what was best for you and your daughter. If he doesn't realize that then he isn't willing to take responsibility for himself and the pain he has caused the loved ones in his life during his active addiction. Give him this time to focus on recovery, we can't predict the future but we do have control over the choices we make, sure there will be bumps in the road but I believe that we control our own destiny. Give it sometime if you are willing to stick around to see if he takes his recovery seriously. I know the waiting game sucks but sometimes it's worth it.