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Advice from pain killer addicts - Please help
  1. #61
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    Law Girl, your most recent post concerns me a great deal. You have made an assumption that those who ask how long a sub stays in one's system that they are preparing to get high as soon as the sub wears off - wow! Then, you proceed to call them morons if they do use opiates while still active in their addiction. Calling a "spade a spade" is one thing, but your judgemental views do not sit right with me, particularly when you admit to still having the occassional 2 mgs for your rare cravings. It would seem to me that you could definately benefit with some help to deal with your own personal issues. Good luck to you.

  2. #62
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by getnovrit View Post
    Hey Lawyer100,

    Can you direct me to the post where someone is asking how long the subs stay in a persons system so they know when they can get "loaded" again.

    Getnovrit
    Sorry haven't been on here for a few days! I'm sure you've found some of these posts-I don't which post exactly I saw it on, but I have seen the question asked LOTS of times in posts on here. Just go to New Posts and start scrolling, you'll see the question in the titles of the posts.

    Some of the people on those posts are asking legitimate questions about the drug-like needing to stop before surgery or worrying about drug testing. These I totally understand b/c I have had to take pain meds while on my suboxone-sometimes it is just necessary. And luckily I haven't relapsed-I took what I was prescribed and got rid of what I didn't use. But I have a feeling that a lot of these people are looking to find out how long it takes to leave their system so they can get "high" again on opiates. I really think those posts should just be left unanswered-to me it's not constructive advice telling people when they should be able to feel the high again. But hey, ya know, it's their lives and early on in my treatment I always wondered the same thing! The bickering on this site is a usual occurrence! People just get real heated I guess in their opinions, but it really doesn't help anyone. But I also think this site gives some a chance to just vent out frustrations and issues.

    Oh well...guess that more than answered ur question! Have a good day!!

  3. #63
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LawGirl View Post
    Lawyer,

    A few questions....
    1.) Were you in law school when you were in active addiction?
    2.) If so, then how did you manage to get past the Bar Admissions process without disclosing your med info? (Maybe I should apply to that state)

    3.) You said you were bi-polar, & I was diagnosed with bi-polar a few years back, but was never treated for it. Do you see a common thread between addicts & people w/ bi-polar disorder? I couldn't tell if the ups & downs were b/c of my addiction or if I was really bi-polar. Now, I notice a strong connection between addicts & ppl w/ bi-polar. I think I may have a mild case of bi-polar, but the opiates made the swings 10 times worse & my "ups" were directly correlated to the # of pills I had left.



    Addiction is a disease of master disguise. You have to become a fantastic manipulator & be able to convince yourself & others that nothing is wrong. For me, my family never even noticed. They just thought I was crazy & wrote me off for that. I've never been straight up questioned by anyone (family or friends). For my close friends, I was very honest & up front about my addiction, & I woke up every day, looked in the mirror, & knew I was an addict. I just didn't think I could get the help I needed at the time b/c of the ramifications it would have on getting a Bar license. I always planned to get help, after I took the Bar Exam. Unfortunately for me, I couldn't wait that long & I had to get help NOW (Dec 09).

    I wonder if any of you have this same problem I am having now with my family: Most people who don't experience addiction personally don't really understand the disease. Having that said, my family members will come up to me and say "I don't understand why you just didn't stop?" This makes me so livid, because I try to explain OVER & OVER again that telling an addict to "just stop" is like telling someone with blue eyes to "just change your eyes to brown"...it's impossible. I try to tell these ppl to do some research on addiction & try to understand the disease better, or to just refrain from saying stupid things like that to me, but it almost never works. They just don't get it. Any advice from ppl who have had experiences like this with their fam or friends?
    Sorry, have been sick for a week with the flu, so haven't been online for a while! OK so to answer the questions:
    1) Yes I was in active addiction while in law school. I believe I was in my last year when it started really getting bad. But I'm telling you, I must be weird b/c opiates give me energy and wake me up! I actually graduated in the top third of my class (and I was in night school while working 40 hours a week during the day)!
    2) I'm licensed in Missouri. You know, I don't even remember the whole process. They did the background check, but I've never been in trouble with the law. I'll look back at the process here and let you know about this question. I don't rememeber where or if "drug usage/abuse" came up anywhere.

    3) I definitely think there may be some connection between being bi-polar and drug addiction, although I think genetics play the biggest role in addiction. I think being bi-polar almost feeds the addiction-sounds weird I know. But in the manic phases, I know that I would do things that I knew were bad-illegal drugs, out of control spending, etc. with no control over myself. Yeah I think the mood swings are definitely worse with having both problems. I've talked to a lot of addicts that are also bi-polar. It would be interesting to find out if they have done studies on any connection between the two. But I think that if a person has both and treats both with medications, or whatever, that the addiction process and staying sober become a little easier. That's what I found anyhow. Without having the major mood swings now, especially the manic phases, I feel more at peace internally and feel less of an urge to use before I was diagnosed and treated properly for the bipolar.

    I definitely agree that unless you have the addiction disease, you can't fully understand what we go through. My mom is the only non-addict in our family. She doesn't understand it, she can't grasp the concept of not having control over it. I've had a lot of honest conversations now, and I think she is beginning to get some understanding of it. I feel I can be more open with her now as well. She went with me for my induction of the Suboxone! Non-addicts will never fully understand what we experience, my opinion anyways.

    I'm scared for my children coming from such a long line of addicts. My oldest son is 15-he grew up seeing the addiction in his granpa, in his uncle, in me, and yet he has now confessed to smoking pot!! I don't know what to do. And why would he do this knowing and seeing what addiction does to people?? My answer-genes, he is pre-wired to be an addict and is already exhibiting those symptoms of addict in the making.

    And I have a confession to make, I haven't told my family, etc. I just can't-I'm embarrassed for failing again at this. I've been sober on the opiates, but I do believe that I am now addicted to benzo's Never had a problem in the past taking them, but I've had a steady supply of them for a while, and I'm not sure that I have the will power to stop. I really hate this disease!!! It seems like just when you have under some control, it creeps up again in another form. I may also have a problem with the Adderall I was prescribed. I did fine with the Adderall at first, but now...I don't know that I am addicted to it per se. I have a problem with major depression, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am literally tired 24/7-and not just a regular tired, it's a severe fatigue where I could sleep for days if I could. I already pretty much sleep weekends away. The Adderall takes all that away so I can function and do my work. I mean they did diagnose me with ADHD, so I guess I'll talk to my psych doc about it. I could just be confusing addiction with my body's real need for the drug? I guess that's a fine line with us addicts....Oh well.

    Anyway, what state are you getting your bar license in? Or you have it already don't u? I'm not sure what the differences are between the states and the process in getting licensed.

  4. #64
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Cool Just some thoughts

    I think all of us just have different views on addiction in general and what others post on here. I really like reading all your posts though-a lot of you have great things to say and good advice. I agree that we can do without the name-calling though. I don't really think I'm a moron, well I guess maybe I have been with some of the things I've done, but addicts do relapse (in general anyhow). It just happens and is part of the process. You know, I really don't like those on here posting questions about how to use this or how long to get this out of your system just to get high. It's really not the "constructive advice" that we should be asking for or responding to. For me, I just ignore those posts-it's that simple. But there are a lot of legitimate questions about getting Sub out of your system-and if someone doesn't specifically adress whey they are asking that question, we shouldn't assume it's for a bad thing. Could be they need surgery or are curious about if they are in an accident and need pain meds (that's one of my fears being on subs).

    I believe we all have bad days and just get testy at times on here with others! A little bickering here and there doesn't bother me Maybe it lets some just vent out anger, maybe anger not even about another post, just having a bad day, etc. But at the least, I try to be polite when disagreeing with others-and no, I'm not saying others aren't either, just stating that I think there is a way for constructive arguing/disagreement.

    Oh well, just some ramlings for the day!! I'm feeling a little down today, spaced out and can't concentrate on work! Think I'll go smoke in a sec!!! So how is everyone else doing today? I think I'm still just tired after being in bed for the last week with the flu! And my dumbass ("I don't need a flu shot, I never get the flu")!!! Maybe I'll rethink that one next year! I'm just glad it's the weekend-hope everyone has a good weekend! The weather here in St.Louis is beautiful--70's and sunny!!!

  5. #65
    mich78 is offline New Member
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    Question advice from pain addicts

    It sucks being a drug addict, it is a barrier between my relationship with my boyfriend. I been addicted to vicodin for 2 years because I got diagnosed with a slipped disc. I finally told my doctor at the pain management place I need a non narcotic pill to take instead. I have only been off them like a month and thought I was doing good, until I googled tramadol which thats what I take now. I realize thats just a substitude for the vics I was on. I gained alot of insight reading alot of comments. Now Im frustrated because I realize this is another addiction for me. My boyfriend and I read alot of the posts together on the tramadol and he is really scared for me to take tramadol anymore. I just started taking them about a month ago. If i take only 3 a day even though the doctor prescribed me to 4 a day is it safe for me to take if I dont exceed 3 a day and not take more, or is it me just starting before Im addicted fully.

  6. #66
    LawGirl is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lawyer100 View Post
    Sorry, have been sick for a week with the flu, so haven't been online for a while! OK so to answer the questions:
    1) Yes I was in active addiction while in law school. I believe I was in my last year when it started really getting bad. But I'm telling you, I must be weird b/c opiates give me energy and wake me up! I actually graduated in the top third of my class (and I was in night school while working 40 hours a week during the day)!
    2) I'm licensed in Missouri. You know, I don't even remember the whole process. They did the background check, but I've never been in trouble with the law. I'll look back at the process here and let you know about this question. I don't rememeber where or if "drug usage/abuse" came up anywhere.

    3) I definitely think there may be some connection between being bi-polar and drug addiction, although I think genetics play the biggest role in addiction. I think being bi-polar almost feeds the addiction-sounds weird I know. But in the manic phases, I know that I would do things that I knew were bad-illegal drugs, out of control spending, etc. with no control over myself. Yeah I think the mood swings are definitely worse with having both problems. I've talked to a lot of addicts that are also bi-polar. It would be interesting to find out if they have done studies on any connection between the two. But I think that if a person has both and treats both with medications, or whatever, that the addiction process and staying sober become a little easier. That's what I found anyhow. Without having the major mood swings now, especially the manic phases, I feel more at peace internally and feel less of an urge to use before I was diagnosed and treated properly for the bipolar.

    I definitely agree that unless you have the addiction disease, you can't fully understand what we go through. My mom is the only non-addict in our family. She doesn't understand it, she can't grasp the concept of not having control over it. I've had a lot of honest conversations now, and I think she is beginning to get some understanding of it. I feel I can be more open with her now as well. She went with me for my induction of the Suboxone! Non-addicts will never fully understand what we experience, my opinion anyways.

    I'm scared for my children coming from such a long line of addicts. My oldest son is 15-he grew up seeing the addiction in his granpa, in his uncle, in me, and yet he has now confessed to smoking pot!! I don't know what to do. And why would he do this knowing and seeing what addiction does to people?? My answer-genes, he is pre-wired to be an addict and is already exhibiting those symptoms of addict in the making.

    And I have a confession to make, I haven't told my family, etc. I just can't-I'm embarrassed for failing again at this. I've been sober on the opiates, but I do believe that I am now addicted to benzo's Never had a problem in the past taking them, but I've had a steady supply of them for a while, and I'm not sure that I have the will power to stop. I really hate this disease!!! It seems like just when you have under some control, it creeps up again in another form. I may also have a problem with the Adderall I was prescribed. I did fine with the Adderall at first, but now...I don't know that I am addicted to it per se. I have a problem with major depression, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am literally tired 24/7-and not just a regular tired, it's a severe fatigue where I could sleep for days if I could. I already pretty much sleep weekends away. The Adderall takes all that away so I can function and do my work. I mean they did diagnose me with ADHD, so I guess I'll talk to my psych doc about it. I could just be confusing addiction with my body's real need for the drug? I guess that's a fine line with us addicts....Oh well.

    Anyway, what state are you getting your bar license in? Or you have it already don't u? I'm not sure what the differences are between the states and the process in getting licensed.
    Lawyer,

    Man I wrote an answer Monday to your post, & I guess it never posted or got deleted or something. But I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes i wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me & 1 drug is just a replacement for another. I think it depends on the behaviors/actions you exhibit with that drug. For instance, I've been prescribed adderall since 2000. I've never run out ahead of time before my Rx was due. I don't buy it on the street. I don't take more than prescribed. I can't say the same for opiates. Opiates gave me the same energy as adderall did, but at the same time, took the edge off. I would get my Rx filled, and be out 2 days later, forcing me to go to the street to get them.

    I think you need to self-analyze each drug you take & ask yourself "Does this effect my/my life/ my kids/ others negatively? Does this cause me/anyone else harm? If the real answer is no, then why not take what you're prescribed if you function better. I would rather be able to function taking an addy a day than 2 not function at all or have to try to function on pain pills. I know this for sure. If you find yourself exhibiting some of the same addictive behaviors with xanax, then it might not be a good idea & quit while your ahead. If it interferes with your life (i.e., you spend enormous amounts of time sleeping, you never can run out or you'll have high anxiety,etc., you do risky activities to get the drug, you take more than prescribed) then it most likely is another addiction.

    I think there is a difference; however, between "dependence" & "addiction". Diabetics are insulin-dependent...they cannot live without it. They are not addicted to it. If you literally can't function without adderall, & you won't get out of bed without it, you're likely dependent on it. Addiction comes with the behaviors I described above. You become dependent on a substance, but then it turns into addiction by the behaviors we exhibit to acquire it, how we act when we are running out, etc.

    I look at it like this: If I never had to struggle with addiction, I still most likely would be on some sort of psychiatric drug from some kind of chemical imbalance. So, if I have to be on adderall or whatever, it's not that big of a deal. But I think we, like most addicts, know what's going on in our heads with the drugs we take. I think deep down inside, if you got a problem, you know. You may not want to admit it, & it may disguise itself, but you know what's going on.

    Does your DR that prescribes you the addy & xanax know about your addiction? If not, it may be a good idea to tell him/her. Gotta be honest with that.

  7. #67
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Reply to Lawgirl

    My doctor does prescribe both the Xanax and Adderall for me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid taking other addictive drugs. I take the Adderall as prescribed and never run out early. I don't think I could function without it. I usually take the Xanax as prescribed as well, but I seem to have a high tolerance to it. I'm supposed to take 0.5mg bid, but the 0.5mg seems to do nothing for me sometimes. I also have clonazepam from older prescriptions that I usually like better than the Xanax. It seems though that when I start coming down off the Adderall, I need a Xanax or clonazepam b/c I seem to start feeling anxious-real fidgety. My legs especially get real fidgety, but I also have restless leg syndrome pretty severe, so a lot of things tend to aggravate my legs.

    I just don't want to trade one addiction for another. After reading your post i stepped back and asked myself the questions you posed and realized that I really don't believe I have a problem with any of the meds I'm on. I compare how I take them to when I was on opiates-taking my meds now is nowhere similar to my behaviors with opiates. They definitely make my life much better. Plus I don't crave the meds I'm on. If I forget to take say a Xanax, I usually don't even notice. Sometimes I don't need any on certain days.

    I would also like to say something to the post I think that was before yours-sorry I forgot the user name. If you were addicted to vicodin, then I'd be real careful with the Tramadol. Are you sure though that you were really addicted to the vicodin, or just dependent on them for a real medical reason/need? Did you exhibit the classic addiction behaviors with the vicodin? Tramadol acts on the same receptors in the brain that opiates do, so they can become an addictive drug. I would talk openly to your doc about this or maybe see a psych doc to get someone's outside view on your medication usage.

    Oh well....back to work...have a good day.

  8. #68
    sue13 is offline Member
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    Hi... just thought I would jump in here with some thoughts. My DOC is definitely alcohol, but then because of a severe accident I discovered the "high" from opiates. (I was stupid enough not to know how addictive they are, and by the time I found out I was doing all the stuff addicts do!)

    After years of sobriety I started drinking again to get off the pills, then took the pills to stop drinking (not the two together thank goodness!) But I got myself into a head-space I hadn't experienced in a long time of not wanting to "feel" the highs and the lows, hence addiction to enhance the highs and not experience the lows.

    I have since found a therapy program called ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) which has helped me to just live through feelings and not use anything chemical. Worth taking a look at,

    Sue

  9. #69
    Hellweek is offline Member
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    I can add my story.

    My drug addiction is because of pain meds that were perscribed for some serious damage that has been done to my neck. I require 4 verts to be fused and have been postpoining the operation for some time. For the last 2 almost 2 months I have been taking Vicodin in various strenght.

    The problem with vicodin, they realy do help this pain, however I quickly built a resistance, as a result the doctor kept upping the dose. When I questioned him about addiction he told me this would only be a problem if I abused the meds.

    To be honest and frank, I did not abuse my scrip, I never ran out before refill time, and as such I assumed I would not have any problems with them.

    YEsterday, I decided that living on pain meds was worse then the pain. The feelings the meds give you and how they mess your body up was to much for me to take anymore. I decided to quit taking them. I did not realize I was addicted until late last night when the w/d started to happen.

    At this point I am fighting hour by hour and using this site to help.

    A few things I did do.
    1. Notified my doctor that I stopped and why I stopped. I also took the time to thank him for my new friend pain med addiction.

    2. Told my doctor to cxl my remaining script at pharmacy so I no onger have access. Yes, it is true your body does try and trick you into thinking you need them.


    I now need to tell my wife and daughter what I am going through as I am sure they will soon be able to tell something is not right.


    As to your comment about him being dependant and not addicted. Being dependant on it is addiction. From everything I have read here they are one and the same.

    Trying to convince yourself otherwise I do not think is healthy.

    What I can say is so far this is the single hardest thing I have ever tried to do.

  10. #70
    doodoogreta is offline New Member
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    God bless you, I am praying for you. I don't know long you've been taking the vicodin but obviously the longer you've taken the worse the addiction. You did the hardest thing possible by stopping on your own, & cutting off your avenues of getting more. However, that doesn't mean that you don't need pain management, & help with your withdrawals. Depending on your age & health the withdrawals can be potentially dangerous, so i do think you need to be under the strict care of a good physician. If you are able to get into a pain mgmt physician that would probably be the most helpful. You can explain everything to the dr & there are alot of other meds & treatments that are non-narcotic thus non habit forming that they can giveyou. It's just not safe to go through this on your own. Alot of pain mgmt dr's require a referral, your regular doctor who was giving you the vicodin should have no problem giving you that referral. You should seek help right away, like now. Again depending on your age & other health issues, you might be at risk for other serious problems as a result of the withdrawals. Good luck, take care, & please get yourself another doctor now. Will pray for you.

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    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    I have to disagree that addiction and dependence are not the same. Chronic pain patients that need chronic opiates will become dependent on the drugs-the doctors will even tell you this. But, there is a difference between that and addiction. With dependence, you will go through withdrawal's if you quit taking your meds, your body does become used to these drugs-and there is nothing wrong with this, it is just what happens when taking opiates long term.

    When addicted to these drugs, you will run out early, go looking everywhere for more, whether that means to other docs, ER's or the streets. It affects every part of your life negatively. The craving for the drug becomes so bad that you literally can't quit (or think that way anyway). I have had addiction issues all my life-about 20 years now. I drank at 14, smoked pot at 15, coke, crack, LSD, etc. at 16....rehab at 16. Stopped for a while, right back at it even worse. I was into full blown addiction again by age 18. I've had my ups and downs, but am now on a Suboxone program for opiate addiction. I am also now into a bad relapse that I don't know what to do. I've been on a binge of snorting anything I can get my hands on, crack, pot, etc....I've lost probably 20lbs. in the last couple of weeks, can't eat, getting sick all of the time. I'm so scared to tell my family that I think I need inpatient detox and rehab. I don't know what to do....I cry all the time and crave all the time, but am broke due to spending so much on drugs. I've been contemplating suicide....but I have kids, so I know I wouldn't do this I don't think. I feel really lost for the first time in a long time, and I feel alone. I'm unhappy in my life-I hate my job, in a bad marriage, etc....all just excuses, but the drugs help me escape this mess. I mean, how do I even approach telling my family all of this? They have no idea what I have been up to....I've even been skipping work a lot (and I'm a lawyer, so I don't want this screwing all that up). Any advice on how to tell them?? Just bluntly put it out there?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lawyer100 View Post
    I am also now into a bad relapse that I don't know what to do. I've been on a binge of snorting anything I can get my hands on, crack, pot, etc....I've lost probably 20lbs. in the last couple of weeks, can't eat, getting sick all of the time. I'm so scared to tell my family that I think I need inpatient detox and rehab. I don't know what to do....I cry all the time and crave all the time, but am broke due to spending so much on drugs. I've been contemplating suicide....but I have kids, so I know I wouldn't do this I don't think. I feel really lost for the first time in a long time, and I feel alone. I'm unhappy in my life-I hate my job, in a bad marriage, etc....all just excuses, but the drugs help me escape this mess. I mean, how do I even approach telling my family all of this? They have no idea what I have been up to....I've even been skipping work a lot (and I'm a lawyer, so I don't want this screwing all that up). Any advice on how to tell them?? Just bluntly put it out there?
    Dear Lawyer, while lurking on the site today, I stumbled upon your post. It made my heart ache. I could feel your desperation and I felt an immediate need to reply to this ever so sad and familiar story. You are an intelligent man and you know that you need rehab. If this means missing work and being away from your family, then so be it. You have SO much to live for and your sense of lonliness and depression will only get worse. You speak about your "unhappiness with life, your job and your marriage." You really need to do something now because it will not improve, it will only get worse. You need to tell your family whats going on - at this point, how can it get any worse. You may be surprised at the reaction you get. You also need to take the time off of work to find yourself again, if you don't, your bound to lose your job anyway. Things have gotten way out of control and you are acknowledging this which is a blessing in disguise.

    Lawyer please do something soon while your still wanting it. You will definately be in my thoughts and prayers. Please update us on how you're doing okay (i sincerely hope you take the step towards turning things around).

    Sincerely....Girl

  13. #73
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Default Doing a little better

    Well I've been toying with the idea of inpatient rehab and have decided to go at this without an inpatient program. I've stopped the drugs now, it's been about 4 days or so now. I'm just really tired-I'd be in bed 24/7 if I could. I've started going to meetings and am going to really work a 12-step program this time. I've told my dad (no help) and my brother, who has been a lot of help. I go to meetings with him and feel better after talking with others who are going through what I am and know how I feel. I've also told my husband who is away right now with the Army. He comes home tomorrow. He said that he's had enough, which is fine with me because we should have ended this marriage years ago. Everyone keeps telling me not to make rash decisions right now, but I know that I don't want to be married anymore, I haven't for years. It's hard for me to even be around him and deal with him when I am sober-it seems like a catalyst for me to use. I know this may just be an excuse, but it is something I need to do for my own sanity! I just can't stay married to him-all's we do is coexist together, we hardly ever get along, etc. I feel like my heart is breaking, I feel lost and alone.

    I'm tired of making everyone else happy with what I do. It's time to make myself happy in my life. I'm young enough to really change things around and do what I have always wanted to do. I have two children to think of as well. And I know they should always come first, but for once my mental health needs to come first for their sake and mine. I need to find some good counseling for the three of us to help them understand what is going on with me and the changes that I need to make. I know they will understand more as they get older.

    But thank you for your thoughts and prayers....I need all the help I can get! I just need to take this one day at a time and be honest with my family and husband. He may get very mad and upset, but he will get over it. I can't spend the rest of my life with him because it makes him happy. I am very unhappy and can't do it anymore. I want to be happy again.

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    Hi Lawyer, I'm glad you checked in - I was genuinely concerned about you. Well it seems as though you've done a lot of soul searching since your last post. I get the sense that your "ready' to do this now. I'm glad you told your family and pleased that your going to meetings and finding healthy connections. I can really relate to the "looking after others" statement that you made. Funny how we can flood the one's we love (and the one's we don't) with our energy and support, yet we don't hesitate neglecting ourselves. I'm in the "helping" profession and there are days I wish I could just run away from it all - the energy it takes leaves little for ourselves. There is so much growing to do, but like you said, it really does take one day at a time. I wish well and I'm thankful that your about to begin the journey for you - your worth it. Take good care, Sincerely, Girl.

  15. #75
    lawyer100 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlWithNoName View Post
    Hi Lawyer, I'm glad you checked in - I was genuinely concerned about you. Well it seems as though you've done a lot of soul searching since your last post. I get the sense that your "ready' to do this now. I'm glad you told your family and pleased that your going to meetings and finding healthy connections. I can really relate to the "looking after others" statement that you made. Funny how we can flood the one's we love (and the one's we don't) with our energy and support, yet we don't hesitate neglecting ourselves. I'm in the "helping" profession and there are days I wish I could just run away from it all - the energy it takes leaves little for ourselves. There is so much growing to do, but like you said, it really does take one day at a time. I wish well and I'm thankful that your about to begin the journey for you - your worth it. Take good care, Sincerely, Girl.
    Thank you for the reply and the encouragement. You know, I find the weekends the worst because I feel so lonely and just hate being stuck at home. At least work gets me out of the house and my mind on work and not what I really want to be doing (using). I do need to get out of this pattern of worrying about what everyone else thinks, etc. and focus on myself for once in my life. I need to be somewhat selfish for once. I have so many issues going on right now, and one of them is wanting to leave my husband. It has been mostly a horrible 13 years of marriage and it is time to end the madness-and I know this may sound like an excuse, but the misery I'm in with him seems to really be a catalyst to my using. I hate being sober around him. I just need a really big change-I hate where I live, I hate my career choice, I don't like marriage, my family is full of addicts who either give some support or are of no help at all because they are too concerned with their using and I NEED to get sober. I feel like this empty shell of a person walking around with no one to really understand and help me. I have one friend who is wonderful with me and helping me through this, but he is a man. If anyone found out about this all hell would ensue. But that's a whole other story....I wish I could just pick up and run away, and I probably would if I didn't have kids. And I'm dealing with my 15 year old who is starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol-I hope to God he isn't going down the same path as me. I hope he sees how miserable I am now and rethinks his choices in life. But yes, I have to think one day at a time, otherwise I won't be able to do it.

    How are you doing? Have you been sober long or are you still battling with using? Hope to hear from you soon again...take care.

  16. #76
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    Hi Lawyer, nice to hear from you again. I feel like I can relate to many of your feelings in terms of "pleasing" everyone else and "worrying" about what others think. I'm very good at putting on this facade where most would see me as this responsible person who could do no wrong. When I think about it, I've always cared more about how other's see me rather than just being me - complicated I guess. I'm pretty sure that no one would have ever guessed that I had these addiction issues and if they did know, they would likely blame it on my doctor or something.

    I've been having some back pain issues for some time. I began taking a variety of meds as prescribed, none of which were helping until I met Oxycodone. Before I knew it, I was hooked. I knew they were dragging me down and to make a long story short, I did the cold turkey thing and got off of them quick. I continued to have a lot of pain so the doc put me on hydromorph contin - another narcotic. Initially I found the drug less potent than the oxy and I didn't seem to feel like a zomby on them. They do seem to relieve the pain, but I seem to get frequent headaches and a bit of an upset stomach when I take them, so I'm only taking half of what I've been prescribed (on the oxy's i couldnt enough). Either way, I am once again considering quitting the new meds and I'm thinking it won't be as difficult as it was with the oxys given the side effects i've been getting - we'll see how it goes.

    I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. It's obviously a decision that only you can make. I'm a strong believer that children sense the tension despite the attempts we make to shelter them from our chaos. They are smarter than we give them credit for. You are incredibly unhappy in your marriage which will definately impact the other facets of your life. Your addiction plays the biggest part in all of this - you are at a vulnerable place in your life right now and I just hope that your "male friend" does not take advantage of that.

    You have so much on your plate, not to mention your sixteen year old's issues. He is going through a tough developmental stage which will bring about its own set of challenges. He will need you more than ever and he'll need you to be clean. They weren't kidding when they said that women have dual roles - our work never ends. Well, enough rambling. I could go on and on but will sign off for now. I'll be thinking about you and the challenges you face and wish you nothing but the best....talk to you soon..........Girl

  17. #77
    mikie7911 is offline Member
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    Default jenny!

    jenny, please go back and read my thread i started in 08, it sounds like you and i live the same life, have been reading your post and don't see that you have posted in over a month, after reading your story and relating to it 100%, i'm just curious as to what is going on now w/ you. i actually stopped posting over a year ago, because, i know i'm an enabler allowing this crazy cycle to keep happening over and over and over and i'm just scared to making him choose his family or the pills, not scared that i can't make it but scared of what he will do. i mean really, my situation has gone on way too long.

  18. #78
    Jenny1232 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Mickie,

    Thank you, i will check out your post. I've discovered im Co-Dependent.. and It's geared more towards that. I felt this thread took a dramatic turn.. to the discussion of suboxone.. and I wasn't really able to relate to it anymore!
    Last edited by ddcmod; 08-31-2013 at 03:37 PM.

  19. #79
    Jenny1232 is offline Junior Member
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    Oh, and things are better, so thanks for asking. They were VERY bad for quite some time.

    He's completely off pills now. They discovered the cause of his pain, and an alternate solution. We broke up for nearly two months, and in that time, he got a new doctor, off pills, and found another solution.

    There have been several more battles between us, and underlying issues.. and fears, but we're taking it day-by-day. No one really supports me, because he's verbally abusive. I told him if he ever calls me another name, that's it. He's working, I can see it. So, I'm working WITH him as well.

  20. #80
    mikie7911 is offline Member
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    i'm glad that things are better with you. i will check out that other site as well. i'm co dependent as well. i need to fix me so everything else will fall into place. hang in there girl, maybe i'll see you on the other site!

  21. #81
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    Default this is a progressive disease

    I started using pain meds when I was 18. I got them prescribed from an accident I had being burned over 70 percent of my body. Around that same time I started drinking daily. I had a few friends come by and tell me that I might have a problem their worried my reply was always I don't have a problem I only drink half a case of beer a day and I go to work. By the time I was 22 I was a full blown >>>>>> addict shooting the pain pills and >>>>>>. I had drowned. Luckily I found Methadone. I would never advocate Methadone but it did help me go from being a junkie living on a couch in a room I rented with my husband to being only on Methadone having a 6 bedroom house and an amazing job. I have been clean 2 years now except my Methadone but just started comming down. I dropped 10 yesterday and I'm hurting a little today!! BUT its nothing unbearable I'm still going to work but it still sucks. I often Wish I just CT it off the pills. But I really probably wouldn't be here If I had done that. I also had to live away from my husband for almost a year too we were both addicts tho too

  22. #82
    mikie7911 is offline Member
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    chance4real life, PLEASE, get some advice on how to get off the methadone, if you do not do it right, you go thru some really bad stuff. my husband was given methadone for pain before from a pain manag doc and he didn't like the way it made him feel, asked several times to be switched to something else, doc got mad and fired him as a pt. he thought he was weaning correctly, NOT......ended up in the hospital two times with really bad heart symptoms due to the w/d from the methadone. i've been thru numerous w/d with him from codeine and i've never seen anything like what he went thru coming off that stuff.

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