ADDICTION. & i cant understand.

[sistergoldenhair]

Wow, I just got done reading this whole thread. I am sad for you, and can relate to all you have said. My 23 year old son is also a heroin addict. Here's a bit of my story.

I knew for a long time something was going on...I know now, I was in enormous denial. One day, a year ago, I talked to him, and he said OK, he would go to treatment. We got him into a rehab in NJ (I live in NY), and he stayed for 22 days then the insurance wouldn't pay anymore. So he came home. I was sooo new to addiction that I truly believed that it would get better. He came home from rehab on suboxone maintenance, and it was only a week later, when I realized that things were NOT better. He was getting Suboxone, (insurance covered it) and he was selling the subs for his beloved Heroin. He came home the first week of July and by the end of the summer he had gone from snorting heroin to injecting it. It was getting bad, and I approached him about rehab again, gave him some info on a place in Florida that I found, and he talked with them for over a week before he decided Ok, he would go. He left September 21, 2008, and is still down in Florida. I would have never dreamed that he'd still be away.

He was in that treatment center until the end of February, was doing real well, had cleaned up, and found a job, he was so happy. He ended up losing his job after a week an a half when they found out he was in Recovery, and he has been in a downward spiral since then. He relapsed bad, left that center, but we got him into another one for 30 days, he came out went to a new halfway house, and relapsed in a week. He went back into treament for 2 weeks, to detox and clear his head. Came back to halfway house, and I had gone down 2 weeks ago to visit. I hadn't seen him in a few months, and I walked into another relapse. They halfway house booted him out. They will allow you to return after one relapse, but after two, your out. So instead of spending my time, visiting with my son, it was spent getting him into another treament center. I called the first place he was in, they are a longer term facility and he agreed to go back. He actually had no choice but to agree. I told him this was all I could do for him. Go back to treatment, or I go back on the plane, and he's on his own. So he is not in detox and should be back into the treatment center tomorrow or Monday.

I do know first hand how devastating this has been for our family. I do go to Families Anonymous meetings, and another support group each week. I am going to my first appointment with my own therapist this week. The treatment center said I have to work on myself, and my codependency. I am so incredibly close with my son, and he is taking me down with him. My husband is so aggrivated by the whole thing. He doesn't understand the whole addiction disease concept. He thinks that he should just not pick up. Although I know of course, he shouldn't pick up, it goes deeper than that. My brain knows what I have to do, but my heart won't let me. But I also know I have to find the strength to get out of my son's way. I cannot save him. Right now, if he had to choose heroin or me, I know he would choose heroin. I am going to have to make some hard moves in the next few months with him, and I am only going to do it because I know his life is on the line. What might hurt terribly, is only for his own good.

For example, I put a long letter in his bag he was bringing to detox, a letter that I wrote when he first went to treatment, about what my life was like before he left, and how I couldn't go back there. And also a short note, that it was exactly one year ago to the day that he went to the first treatment center in NJ, and here we are again. That something had to change this time or he was going to die, and that while he was going to treatment, I was going to do my own. Any other time, I would have called the detox and talked to him quite a few times to check on him, or he would even have called me, while he was there, before he went to treatment center (no contact there only with passes they earn). This time I have not called him at detox, and he has not called me. I have not called because I need him to see I am done, that I am changing. I'm hoping he didn't call me because he is doing some soul searching and realize that he is reaching the end of his rope.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I will be popping on here to check in, nice to find a place to share.

Eileen

[Eha1215]

Kathleen...you havent posted lately! hope everything is well with you and that you've been able to get some sunshine!
Eileen... I'm glad you're posting on this site it'll be of great help to you there's lots of amazing people here for support. It must be extremely tough to go through what you're going through but be strong and focus on yourself. Only that way will you be able to truly be of help to your son. You'll be in my prayers as well as your family and your son. Take care! :-)

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi, so much has happened this past weekend. We went to court on Friday, continued again. On the way home started to feel like a breakdown comming on. Yep, didn't even make it home, was screaming, crying and basically loosing my mind. I asked her how she thought I would die? Heart attack or suicide? She was scared. I dropped her off and went to a park. Walked, talked to God, cried. A storm moved in with hail, lightning, etc. was wicked, sat in my car during this. Finally went home, got dressed and went out with a friend. Danced every dance, drank beer and was someone else for a night. Since then she has been very nice and trying hard to be normal. We spent time together Sunday and Monday we went to the beach together. She is very afraid that I have hit the end. I have! Told her can not live like this anymore. Funny, all Friday night she was worried because I didn't come home. Now she says she knows what it feels like. She got up and walked with me this morning.

I know the good girl is still there, she is trying. Well, that is the Readers Digest version. I have reached the end, cannot just let it be in God's hands, hurts to much. Either she changes or one of us has to leave.

[melinda7.5]

Wow, I just got done reading this whole thread. I am sad for you, and can relate to all you have said. My 23 year old son is also a heroin addict. Here's a bit of my story.

I knew for a long time something was going on...I know now, I was in enormous denial. One day, a year ago, I talked to him, and he said OK, he would go to treatment. We got him into a rehab in NJ (I live in NY), and he stayed for 22 days then the insurance wouldn't pay anymore. So he came home. I was sooo new to addiction that I truly believed that it would get better. He came home from rehab on suboxone maintenance, and it was only a week later, when I realized that things were NOT better. He was getting Suboxone, (insurance covered it) and he was selling the subs for his beloved Heroin. He came home the first week of July and by the end of the summer he had gone from snorting heroin to injecting it. It was getting bad, and I approached him about rehab again, gave him some info on a place in Florida that I found, and he talked with them for over a week before he decided Ok, he would go. He left September 21, 2008, and is still down in Florida. I would have never dreamed that he'd still be away.

He was in that treatment center until the end of February, was doing real well, had cleaned up, and found a job, he was so happy. He ended up losing his job after a week an a half when they found out he was in Recovery, and he has been in a downward spiral since then. He relapsed bad, left that center, but we got him into another one for 30 days, he came out went to a new halfway house, and relapsed in a week. He went back into treament for 2 weeks, to detox and clear his head. Came back to halfway house, and I had gone down 2 weeks ago to visit. I hadn't seen him in a few months, and I walked into another relapse. They halfway house booted him out. They will allow you to return after one relapse, but after two, your out. So instead of spending my time, visiting with my son, it was spent getting him into another treament center. I called the first place he was in, they are a longer term facility and he agreed to go back. He actually had no choice but to agree. I told him this was all I could do for him. Go back to treatment, or I go back on the plane, and he's on his own. So he is not in detox and should be back into the treatment center tomorrow or Monday.

I do know first hand how devastating this has been for our family. I do go to Families Anonymous meetings, and another support group each week. I am going to my first appointment with my own therapist this week. The treatment center said I have to work on myself, and my codependency. I am so incredibly close with my son, and he is taking me down with him. My husband is so aggrivated by the whole thing. He doesn't understand the whole addiction disease concept. He thinks that he should just not pick up. Although I know of course, he shouldn't pick up, it goes deeper than that. My brain knows what I have to do, but my heart won't let me. But I also know I have to find the strength to get out of my son's way. I cannot save him. Right now, if he had to choose heroin or me, I know he would choose heroin. I am going to have to make some hard moves in the next few months with him, and I am only going to do it because I know his life is on the line. What might hurt terribly, is only for his own good.

For example, I put a long letter in his bag he was bringing to detox, a letter that I wrote when he first went to treatment, about what my life was like before he left, and how I couldn't go back there. And also a short note, that it was exactly one year ago to the day that he went to the first treatment center in NJ, and here we are again. That something had to change this time or he was going to die, and that while he was going to treatment, I was going to do my own. Any other time, I would have called the detox and talked to him quite a few times to check on him, or he would even have called me, while he was there, before he went to treatment center (no contact there only with passes they earn). This time I have not called him at detox, and he has not called me. I have not called because I need him to see I am done, that I am changing. I'm hoping he didn't call me because he is doing some soul searching and realize that he is reaching the end of his rope.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I will be popping on here to check in, nice to find a place to share.

Eileen

Hi Eileen
WOW, Thanks for sharing your story. I know you will be helping other people by letting them know there not the only one. It makes things a lot easer when you have someone to share with...
So please keep posting and if you learn some tips from FA please tell us so maybe we can help others that are in your spot...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[kathleen5hockey]

Wow, we are both living the same life. My daughter was in Fl too, we are in CT. The first weekend she broke out of the center and ran away for heroin. It was always a game to her. I have broken down before in front of her and she would always laugh at me. This time she knew it was different. If she was 18 I could get her out of the house, out of sight, out of mind. Until then I have to always be there in court, rehabs, etc. Well, there are not anymore rehabs, the ones she's been to will not take her back. She won't go anyway. It just seems unending. Last week, court on Friday, Sat a call from the police in another town. She had been calling a number that happened to belong to a drug councelor, what are the chances of that happening? Anyway, the person called the police, the police found our home number and called to see if there was a problem with drugs in the house. The officer was very nice, told me to call her if I needed anything. I had the officer talk to the daughter. The councelor said the message left was always the same "I need two more". It just doesn't go away.

The biggest problem is our love for them. I know my heart is being put out on the line again by my thinking she is trying to change. I cannot give up hope for my child. We were both very close at one time too. I just don't understand.

Eileen, please write some more, I think we can help each other. Eha, thank you for your concern, last weekend was a breakdown weekend. Was not pretty, but feel better.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Sistergoldenhair, I re-read your post and so much is similar with mine. We both also believed that she would be better after the first re-hab. Husband actually got mad at the councelors who told us to be prepared. Not his daughter! Almost 3 yrs later and we are still playing the game. That's what this is. My husband also finds compasion hard, not only with daughter but with me too. This addiction has driven a wedge between us. Thank you so much for posting, sometimes I feel so alone. At the meetings I have gone to my daughter was always the worst, it felt like the others were walking out relieved they didn't have my life! Probably not always but yes, it did happen. I spend more time involved with my church instead of the meetings. There are actually tears in my eyes now, gotta go.

[Eha1215]

Kathleen, please hang in there...there are times when we have breakdowns and times we start feeling better. It's a day by day thing... God doesn't put us through anything we can't handle...be strong...focus... I will pray for you and your family.

[Littlebug]

You have to go through this. I hope you get your mom back one day.

[kathleen5hockey]

Had a long talk with my Preacher yesterday, told her that I have had these voices in my head telling me God has deserted me, even telling me to end my life because nothing is good. Scared the ******** out of me. My Preacher told me that is the Devil trying to get me away from God. I have gotten more active in the church, now I am a Minister of Communion. The more involved I get in church the more these crazy thoughts are comming. My Preacher is the best person, she has been with me through all this drug world, she is my rock. She also told me to tell daughter what is happening. Don't want to freak the kid out more, am trying to think of the words. Anyway, when I got home daughter said she wants to go to church with me on Sunday and will also help with kids bible school. Trying to get her involved in something! She was home early last night, we watched tv, I held her, it was cute. Then I wake up this morning and she is gone. Do you know the feeling to not find your child in her bed? I searched the house, found a note that said she went to a friends house and she loves me. What now?

Please pray for my daughter.

[Bobbi1969]

Hang on .. hang in there, stay with us. I can only imagine what you are going thru, emotionally, physically , all that. I feel for you so much. I havenot been thru what you have as far as addiction and your daughter. I have , however battled cancer with my partner( still am ) I know the panic, rage, fear , hurt that the meer thought of losing someone that close to you brings. He would be clear for a while then some thing would show and while he was away for treatment, tests, I would rage at the universe and ask WHY? WHY us , why him , why me, why again. I would threaten a total loss of my mind if God didnt let him come back to me.

To have it be your child I do not know I could survive. You are so strong to have come this far. I think youre intitled to a breakdown everyonce in awhile.
I will include you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!
Hang on!!

[kathleen5hockey]

Thank you Bobbi, your post put things in perspective for me. Daughter said that the other night her friends were having a party and came to pick her up at 1 am! The persons house she went to she used to do coke with. She got home at 10 am the next day. Her boyfriend is really mad. Don't blame him. She looks bad. My mother came over last night to watch fireworks and kept staring at her. Well, will keep on plugging along. Have a happy 4th everyone!

[kathleen5hockey]

So how was everyone's long holiday weekend? The daughter went to the family picnic. Her face is marked by the heroin and has track marks on her arms. Everyone was very nice to her, she stayed by our sides, hugged her, and helped her make it thru. There were 3 new babies there that made her sad because of the past. She said this weekend she was drug free. We did have a little spat because she wants her license. Told her I was going to bring her last week but she decided to go out at 1 am and stay out until 10 the next day. There has to be consequences to your actions. Then I just shut up, no fights for me. It is very hard. Some of her old friends were asking about her and one even called, but then again, we went thru this before. I just wait and see.

Today is another beautiful day, will be heading to the beach after work.

Take care!

[kathleen5hockey]

Husband has confirmed what I already knew, he found 2 needles. It's funny how addicts manipulate. Today at the beach we were talking about taking my mom out to lunch and shopping tomorrow, I want to include my niece. Daughter says "mom, she does drugs, I'm trying to quit". This being said as she is high with marks on her arms! She did wash my car when we got home. That's the problem, I know she is still inside this nutty person. Her and the boyfriend just got home, she was looking for a bow to put on her for the 6 mth aniversary. Oh great, now I have to sit outside her door because boyfriend thinks he's getting sex for the present. She even tried to sneak wrapping paper. I think she is split personality. She also is self medicating with Suboxone. I want to get her to a doctor but no, she's doing it herself. Half of me wants to get in touch with the Procecuture to force her into rehab but the other half just has to let it go. they are both high. I have to go throw him out now, they just closed the door. That is so frustrating, I tell them something and they just don't care. What has happened to my life??????

[Eha1215]

Kathleen,
I was really excited for you when I read that you were going to the beach. I was hoping you'd have a relaxing, fun, quality time. I hope that you still somewhat did.
I don't really know what to tell you but I do hope that your week gets better and we're here to support you.
I don't know if forcing things ever helps...the ex now says the only reason his addiction got worse was because his mother forced him into rehab years ago and that of course was "my fault". But if anything for your sanity... maybe it would be a good idea? at least she could be there until she turns 18 and she can move out? It all depends on what attitude YOU decide to take on things. I know when the ex was in rehab he was constantly finding ways to get in trouble so he'd eventually get kicked out and that didn't exactly help the situation at his house nor did it make his mother feel better. Either way I feel that it's YOUR home and if she and the boyfriend don't want to listen to you, you have every right to do something about it. Obviously talking doesn't work anymore and they don't respect you. Tell them if they want to do what they do to find someplace else, but don't put up with it and get more frustrated and ticked off just because you'd rather know of her whereabouts and actions. She's gonna do what she's gonna do no matter what you say, so at least set your boundaries and tell her to respect you and your home or take it someplace else. I know she's your daughter but you've gotta be strong and as much as it hurts and you worry you have to let go, cuz even if you don't she's still gonna do what she wants to do. Why end up ruining your day and getting more frustrated and complicating your life more than it already is?
Keep your head up. I will pray for you and your family :-)
Try to stop asking why... if there's anything I've learned is that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Eha, we did have a great day at the beach, took a long walk and looked for shells. The water is so clear. Last night I told the boyfriend that if he thinks they are having sex in my house think again. Told him I would be another Loraina Bobbit, he looked at me and I said, yep, I'll chop that thing off! Daughter got pissed, I said to bad, move out! My house, my rules. Oh well, another day. I have decided not to get involved with the the court case, what will be will be. She thinks court will send her to rehab, don't know, will find out next week.

[kathleen5hockey]

She is definately using again. Sleeping all day, bad skin, bad attitude. There is a Suboxone on her night stand. Just keeping you up to date.

[Eha1215]

How are YOU Kathleen? how are you feeling?
I know this must be difficult. I'm glad you did stand your ground with the boyfriend though.
Please let me know how you're doing. I hope you have a good day :-)

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Eha, I am doing great. Have been in a good mood, the weather is beautiful and have lost a few pounds so the clothes feel better. You know, when you look good, you feel good! Went horseback riding yesterday, man am I sore today! Didn't even see the daughter yesterday, she was gone when hubby and I got home. She got home after we went to bed. She did leave me a note to say the cookies I baked last night were great and she wants to go to Starbucks with a job app. I try to take one day at a time. Was at church last night talking to my Reverand. That helps me to feel better. I am on a rollercoaster with emotions, have been walking every morning to start the day in the right frame of mind.

Are you doing ok? Getting out with friends? Treat yourself to something nice, you deserve it!

[Eha1215]

I am so happy you're feeling and looking good Kathleen!
I too feel like I'm in an emotional rollercoaster and it gets a bit frustrating at times because I would like to just be okay but I'm hanging in there. I do find that beginning my day with exercise helps. Anyways, again, glad you're taking care of yourself. Keep doing so!
You and your family are in my prayers.

[jbchicken]

Hi Eha, I am doing great. Have been in a good mood, the weather is beautiful and have lost a few pounds so the clothes feel better. You know, when you look good, you feel good! Went horseback riding yesterday, man am I sore today! Didn't even see the daughter yesterday, she was gone when hubby and I got home. She got home after we went to bed. She did leave me a note to say the cookies I baked last night were great and she wants to go to Starbucks with a job app. I try to take one day at a time. Was at church last night talking to my Reverand. That helps me to feel better. I am on a rollercoaster with emotions, have been walking every morning to start the day in the right frame of mind.

Are you doing ok? Getting out with friends? Treat yourself to something nice, you deserve it!

KShockey -
Just have been in tears reading through this until I got to the one where you said, "...hate kids." Got a good laugh on that. I've felt the same way. Us moms have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and lifting our children and other family members up to the only one who is Mighty to Save. Do what you can do and leave the rest to Him. God Bless you and yours.
jbchicken

[kathleen5hockey]

I don't "hate" kids anymore, just don't like them. It's funny, I used to love to hold babies, last weekend was holding a baby and didn't feel the same. Drugs have really changed the way I think and feel. Have only seen the daughter for about 5 minutes yesterday. Her pupils were very large. What does that mean? At 2 pm yesterday she was still in her room sleeping. Am tired of telling her to get up, look for a job, etc. It is in God's hands. If I can just get her to church! There really isn't anything I can do anymore. She is still using. I find alot of small ripped up papers in her room, sort of like gum wrappers unfolded. Just figure drugs come in it. It's a beautiful day out, am going to the beach later. Talk soon. Thank you to everyone, this forum is a life savor for me. SGHair, how are you?

[Eha1215]

Keep your head up Kathleen...enjoy the beach and relax...
Just remember that its your home and its your rules and if she doesn't like it she can leave... it's just up to you to be strong and take the necessary steps (whether its standing your ground or making difficult decisions) to make YOURSELF better. That's all you can do... things for you. Take care, keep us posted!

[kathleen5hockey]

I like being able to re-read posts. SisterGH, I know what you mean, a choice between us or the heroin, heroin wins. Keep the faith.

[jbchicken]

My son comes out of rehab for the 2nd time this coming up Tuesday. I've given him a contract that he'll have to adhere to so he can remain in the house. Includes continued Intensive Out Patient (they will random drug screen), regular church attendance, fulltime job/school, no dopers hanging around. If he doesn't do it, he's out of the house. Sorry. I can't do it and I'm not supporting him or his habit. This time has to be the last time or he'll have to get well without the safety net. He's 21. Should have had my eyes open when he was younger and maybe it wouldn't have gotten as far as it did, but small stuff just escalates without someone making them take a hard look at what they're doing to themselves and everyone around them. We didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. Opiates. Needles. Good luck to you with your daughter. It's a roller coaster we're on. Praise God that I have faith that if it is God's will, he will be saved from this nightmare.

[kathleen5hockey]

My daughter is 17 so I am still the guardian, if you can call it that. I agree, hindsight is 20/20. I thought it was hormones, crazy teen years, friends, everything but drugs. Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think heroin. Weed - yes, but needles! I have looked to the past, questioned my parenting, you name it. The bottom line is I raised her better than that. Heck, the son is in college for accounting. I agree, it is in God's hands.

[jbchicken]

Well a wise friend told me after I spent about a week beating myself and my husband (his dad) up, questioning every decision, lamblasting our parenting etc., that "You can't take too much credit when they turn out good and you can't take too much credit when they turn out bad. We all are creatures of "free will" and outside of potty training, they have to make good choices." We do what we can, stand up for what's right and the rest, well... I do prison ministry and everyone one of them will tell you that they didn't make good choices, bottom line. Chose bad friends, drugs, didn't finish school, alcohol etc. So, we as parents, do what we can, but certainly by your daughter's age, much of it is out of your control. Sucks but it's the truth. Hang on, keep the faith and don't let drugs kill your spirit. 1 Peter 5:8 "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
jb

[jbchicken]

Oh precious SisterGH. Do hang on. It's so hard. The term "Tough Love" doesn't even scratch the surface. Talk to fellow sisters and brothers on the road. It's the only thing to help keep your sanity and find out info. Unfortunately we have to filter so much of what's coming out of the addict's mouth and without outside sources to help us understand, we can enable without even realizing we're doing it. Especially us moms. Keep the faith.
Julia <><

[jennavee0211]

I have the same question regarding my 17 yr old daughter. Do the drugs take over your morals and mind that much?

I guess for some it can be. I was an addict of Heroin for 7 years. I Started in my senior year of high school. before I was addicted to Heroin I used it here and there but did a lot of cocaine and pills. I started all of it when I was about 14. I still managed to carry a 4.3 gpa and graduated Valedictorian. I never stole anything to pay for my addiction. I worked a job. Never brought it in my moms house. Never blew off people. Still was there for a friend if they called at 3am and needed help. Still did volunteer work. I have always been a person that refused to let anything stop me from being a good family member or friend.


Now that I have said that let me say this... it is different for everyone. I had just seen to many people neglect loved ones, and resposibility while on drugs.

I do notice a difference between people who use needles, and people who just snort it. I never used needles cause that scares me.

[kathleen5hockey]

Thanks for your insight Jen. My daughter started when she was 14. It is a long road. This past Friday I had another melt down, Sat. went to the beach all day by myself and Sun daugher went to church with me. Ok, I did bribe her with Cigs, but she went. Am going to the doctors on Friday, have not been feeling well. Think that all of this has caught up with me, have been dizzy, fatigued and stomache problems. I am getting nervous, just not myself lately. To many melt downs, to many bad dreams, skin breaking out, hair falling out. What is happening to me?

A guy I know was just in my office hitting on me. How tempting, he has offered me everything to run away with him. To bad I have morals. Hey, after the doctors if it's bad news to heck with morals, I'm gone! Says he will treat me like a princess, now that would be great. Problem is I love my husband and don't believe in cheating.

Rambling now, gotta go. Thanks to all for being here.

[kathleen5hockey]

Update on daughter: The doctor says no HIV or Syphlis, but her pap smear and biopsy were not good. He wants to see her again in 3 months. Said if she were older he would have to be more agressive. It's papalovis (sp?) virus. Last night she was in w/d. Chills, stomache problems, she took a Suboxone and mellowed out. Found a needle again. Will have another talk with her on our drive to court this afternoon. She has to quit these drugs, they are killing her! My plan is to get a doctor to prescribe Suboxone and give them to her. Who am I kidding? I used to drive her everyday for Sub and counceling. OK, back to reality, but I will talk to her.