[kathleen5hockey]

Jean, hope the new job is going well. This weekend I worked my butt off outside, cutting trees, weeding, it was good for the soul. The only thing is boy, am I getting old! Every muscle ached, felt good. Have been reading books my Reverand gave me called the "secrets of the vine" also started another "when a mothers heart is broken". The daughter is on a war path. She went to school but left early, found another needle. I have a strange calm over me. Have turned her over to God. Have tried everything humanly possible. She was pissed that her brother got money to drive back to college for finals, what she fails to see is that he worked all day for $30. Then she was mad because I was making noise in the kitchen, it was 2 pm. She started the "FU", hate you, blah, blah, can I have money.

Will talk later.

[stangangel22]

I love you..god bless you all!! Just knowing you are there is a huge huge help

[melinda7.5]

Originally Posted by kathleen5hockey

First, I am calling you Angel from now on, it's more appropriate. Please don't be hard on yourself for failing. Heck, I cut down on cigs but am still smoking. You MUST leave posts, I look forward to them. You have valuable information for me as the child and I have valuable info for you as the parent. If it was easy to quit any addiction there wouldn't be forums to help us. We are all here for you, use this forum. Here you can speak the truth without having to look anyone in the eye, you can really benefit from all of us. I know that you hurt because of the letter your parents sent you while in jail. Have been thinking about it alot. My suggestion is to send your parents a card, something light, just to say hi. Let them know you are safe and ok, don't ask for anything. As a parent I can honestly say that would make me feel alot better.

My daughter is ok, didn't know how she would react. Her father was with her in the morning then I went down so he could get a 1/2 day work in. We have talked a little but the boyfriend has been around alot.

Robert, any ideas on vitamins to help curb the nicotine w/d?

Thanks to everyone for being here. Didn't get on the computer this weekend, worked my butt off in the yard. Pruning everything.

Hi Kathleen
I know you asked Robert about smoking.but he hasn't smoked in years...
But I on the other hand... have been known to sneak some now and then...if I get myself in trouble with them, I call my doctor and tell him to call me in some chantix, they really should pay me because i talk about it so much...but it works really good....kind of like the sub's for smoking...

Talk to you later, Melinda

[kathleen5hockey]

Did you have really weird dreams on the Centrix? Heard that the dreams are bizarre, my life is crazy enough!

Robert, should have known that you haven't smoked in years, what was I thinking? Anyway, daughter is using again, probably big time. The rage is back, lots of sleeping. She is an angry child. Have placed her in God's hands, I can't save her. I will always be here if she needs me.

One thing I want Angel and others in her position is that we get to a point where it turns into survival. Like today while she is f'ng me up and down, throwing sneakers around, thru car wax on the floor and walls. Screaming how much she hates me. On and on, I don't see my daughter anymore. I see a stranger. After so much abuse from the addict it's time to say enough. We are all at a turning point. Some of you don't have family to help you along the way but it only takes YOU. YOU start and we will follow.

My son will be home tomorrow for the summer. What a great kid, 20 yrs old, handsome and smart. He's taking summer classes and will be working with dad. It's cute to see them both pull in after work, they really like each other. I refuse to waste anymore time on this addiction until she WANTS it. I have lost 3 yrs of family fun, will not anymore. We have all suffered enough, it's time to step up to the plate. That means you too Angel.

Wow, that felt good, love this forum!

[melinda7.5]

I did have dreams when I took it but I thought it was fun !!!
Talk to you later, Melinda

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi All, just want to update on daughter. She has missed 2 days of school so far and 7 days of methadone. Her councelor called me yesterday and wanted to know what was going on. Told him she says she has been going and I was told by him last week not to call him. Asked him for a date for counceling and was told that he would not make it until he talked to her. She has not called him back. Took the time to tell him I wanted her on a higher dose of suboxone not methadone, again was told that he can do nothing until she talks to him. You know, I am not going to pay for this anymore, if they won't do anything until they talk to her, they won't work with me (the mother), then let them get the money from her.

Since my fall from the horse and a long talk at church I have a strange calm over me. I have finally turned her over to God. No more searching her room, yelling for her to go to school and get suboxone. It feel like a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders. Even got dressed up for work today!

I have done everything humanly possible. It is in God's hands now.

Haven't had a cig in 2 days and no cravings! In fact a friend asked me for a light today and I said very proudly "I don't smoke". Wow, change feels good!!!

Angel, have not heard from you, is everything ok? Please check in.

[anotheraddict]

Kathleen,

Man, it's one thing after another with that girl, huh? I am sorry that things are so rough. I have to say that I agree with the idea of not paying for the treatment anymore. Aside from the fact that they aren't talking to you, it appears that she's not even getting any treatment from them right now. So you shouldn't be paying them for anything anyway. That is a bunch of bs.

I am glad to hear that things are going better for you after turning her over to God. You have gone above and beyond what any parent would ever be expected to do for a child. And, as you said before, you and your family have suffered long enough as a by product of your daughter's addiction. She's shown that she's going to do as she pleases for now anyway. So, the only thing you can do is focus on taking care of yourself and your family. I am so glad to hear you have been able to do that!

Congratulations on quitting smoking. I am still struggling with that myself. Funny how I quit taking pills, but I can't quit smoking cigarettes. Go figure, right? Are you doing anything like Chantix or the patch or going cold turkey? Let me know if you have any secrets. I still want to find the one thing that is going to help me. I plan to ask about Chantix, but I have to wait until I get health insurance back as I can't afford the doc without it.

Keep it up! You are doing wonderful! If those cigarette cravings start to hit, feel free to post here. We can help with that, too Remember to keep your head up, and don't forget you gotta get back on that horse someday too, lol (had to throw the horse one in there cuz I am a dork).

Jean

PS. Thanks for asking about the job. It made me smile that you noticed that in my post and asked.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Jean, got back on the horse after the fall then jumped 2' rails! Yep, crazy as ever. The smoking thing is hard, I think of spending $7 a pack and it helps the cravings to leave! After reading other threads the main thing that struck me was to cut down. So that's what I have been doing. It's been hot here so it's easier for me to quit, I hate the heat. I think we all have an addiction, some to drugs, cigs, drinking, usually you give up one addiction then it goes to another, I drink alot of coffee now. Can't win! Have been walking/running in the mornings now, it's great to start the day with energy. Really don't know what the magic cure is, just take one day at a time. Everyone have a great weekend if I don't get on the computer again. Have to paint the bathroom this weekend.

Glad you like your job Jean! Angel where are you?????

[SMG1979]

I've just read your entire thread.... Oh my goodness. I feel terrible for you , your daughter, and your family, and especially your son. I can only imagine how he feel's given your daughter's addiction. Poor guy. My husband came into the the computer room asking me why I was crying, so I had to fill him in. This by far is the saddest story on this forum, thus far.

A bit of background on me. I am 29yr's old and an addict. Married 9yr's with a six yr. old son. Had 7 major surgeries, which led to my addiction. Stared pills, the weakest to the strongest, then herion. After my son's birth via c-section I was introduced to pain med's, soon after more surgeries more RX's. Realized you could get high off them. I had doctors lined up giving me script's. Husband realized I had a problem and and called all doctor's, and they cut me off. 1yr clean, and I come from a family of addict's, a uncle of mine calls to see if I could find him some pills, I said no, but if you can, then hook me up. He calls me a couple wks later, and lets just say it was all over from there. This was my first time buying street drugs. Pills only! But what I can tell you is when you are buying RX drugs from the street, there are dry spell where nothing is around. After a night of drinking I was hung over big time and at work, and gad NO pills. A girl an employee of mine offer me Herion. I told myself I'd never do that sh*t. She said I didn't have to shoot it, and that I could snort it. So I did. I instantly felt better. I was on top of the world. I LOVED IT! I told my self only to do it on occasion, when pills weren't around. Well pills weren't around for 2wks and my herion trail to addiction started. Herion is cheaper, easy to find, never a dry spell, and the high is like what was said before the KING of all opiates. I never shot it up, but, the buzz is no different, and the addiction is the same. I lost almost everything. I had a great job, gone! My family I lied too, on a daily bases, and I was started trouble with all of them, and telling my family my cousin had the problem, not me. I almost lost my husband. My cars were being threatened to be repoed. My gas was shut off in my home. I sold all my inherited jewelry, lied stole, whatever it took to get that buzz. I wanted clean, and realized I almost lost everything. I came clean to everyone, and started suboxone 3wk's ago, and am doing great.

Your daughter has a very bad addiction to herion. I never shot up, and I abused it on and off for 6months total. I don't know what led her to herion, but something almost alway's does.

I have a couple question's for you if you don't mind? Have you got online and checked for doctors in you area for suboxone, so you don't have to make a daily trip, for the methadone, or suboxone. I know you stated before the cost of $1400, and $400. Even if you have to drive a few hours once a month, it'll be well worth it. Plus you can administer her dose. Have you told her about Drugs.com? We would love to lend her our support and stories. She could talk to fellow addicts?

If she is abusing out of control again, which you said she is, and you know her best, I and I know this sound's crazy would do exactly what you doing as of recently. Act as if you could care less what happens to her. I think she has taken advantage of you, and knows you'll be there to pick up the pieces. I know you do care a lot as she is you only daughter, but don't let her think so. Like you said she need's to want to change, and get help, and like others have said she need's to hit rock bottom. With you being there for her always, she will not hit bottom, because she has a loving mother, who has put her self on hold, and lost her life do to her addiction. And that is not fair to you. I would make the most with your son while he is there for the summer, and put it in her face, maybe open her eye's a little. If she get's upset, when your son has money, etc, and want's a pity party for herself, throw it in her face that you will not enable a junkie. So on and so forth. It will scare her to think you've given up on her. SHE DEPENDS ON YOU 100%. Do as you please, but make some happy times for your self, you deserve it. You cant change her only she can, so stop wasting you time, and focus on you son and your husband, and more importantly yourself.

I'm sorry if I offended you. I couldn't help, but input as this is one of the saddest stories I've read. I think you are pretty much doing what I suggested already.

I'll keep in tough, and I hope some positive thing come for your family.
Good luck.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi SMG, I'm sorry that you were crying, my hope is that addicts can see the other half of the addiction, what it does to the people who love you. I also need alot of help, Robert has been wonderful as well as all others with advise. I have found a doctor close to home that will give a months supply of Suboxone, the problem is that she sells them for heroin, so didn't want them in my house. I agree that it's time for her to stand on her own. I have been begging God for a sign that he is listening, then fell from the horse or was pushed by God? Anyway I have a strange calm over me. She is in God's hands now and I have told her that.

This past weekend she spent with her boyfriend - what a great weekend hubby and I had! It was like a real life! We painted the bathroom, cleaned out the mudroom took a bunch of of stuff to Goodwill. We went to a family picnic on Sunday, I haven't seen my inlaws since Sept because of the daughter. They are wonderful people, I am truely blessed to have married into a great family. She was supposed to go to the picninc but never made it. Used to be I would cover for her, no more. Yesterday I had my family over for a cookout. Unfortunately we received a call from the police dept around 1 that the daughter had been arrested. She was arrested for domestic violence and possession of weed. Goes to court June 2. The parents of the boyfriend called me up telling me what happened and that they don't want them seeing each other. Hey, fine by me. This is the 25 yr old who got a 17 yr old pregnant and goes to the crack houses to buy her drugs. Not high on my list of people I like.

Anyway, she is not upset about it at all. She says "It won't be on my record". On the drive to school today we didn't talk to much - all I said was get a job and move on with your life. At age 18 you will be on your own. To that she said "well, her brother still lives home", well, if you go to college and support yourself I will help, if not, no.

I refuse to get into a battle with her. The facts are I have to go to court because of her age but in 7 short months she will be an adult and I am off the hook.

I will stand beside her to help with recovery, I will no longer carry her.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

[Freedom4me]

Kathleen,
You have really grown strong since you have been posting here. I know the pain is still there for you but I have hope that you are now focusing on the great parts of your life. It's not that you don't care about your daughter, it's more like you have made a choice to care about yourself, your husband and your son. Good for you. You are in my thoughts today.

[kathleen5hockey]

Thanks! You know this was the first weekend that hubby and I laughed and had fun! Yes, we were working but having a great time. I smiled all weekend long. What a great feeling to be myself again. I have shed the addiction. Hubby and I are focused and together on this one. We realize that our love was to comforting for her. We tried to pad the fall. Not anymore. Consequences, she must have them.

Thanks to all! Hey Jean, how's the job?

Robert: She refuses methadone and suboxone.

[Robert_325]

kathleen ... I'm all for taking up for and protecting our children. But there does come a time when they need to be held accountable for their decisions. She is old enough to have some responsibility forced on her if she won't accept on her own it in my opinion. Nothing will make us grow up faster than dealing with consequences. If she's big enough to shoot drugs, she's big enough to answer for herself.

I don't want to sound all philosophical but I think there is good example in Kahil Gibran's book ... "The Prophet". He writes about raising children. I've used this for myself trying to understand what in the world kids are thinking with some of the things they do.

Gibran used the example of shooting an arrow, you aim it, you pull back the string and let it go in the direction you aim. But it's ultimate destination is affected by wind, trees, anything that crosses it's path. You can't control that, you can only give it the initial direction. If you're comfortable that you've done that about all you can do is be supportive of her when she deserves it, critique her when that is merited.

Hope that wasn't too corny. I don't think that we're supposed to stop living ourselves because we have children. God should be our #1 and our spouse should be our #2. That's imperative for happiness and a healthy family. It also comes right from the Word. God bless.

[kathleen5hockey]

Thank you Robert, it was not to corny. I have to focus on my family. She is home tonight with the boyfriend, at least I know where she is and what's she doing. They are NOT allowed upstairs at all. I think I have made that clear to both of them, although I thought it was clear last time. Today was another wonderful day. Went to a spa for 3 hours and was pampered. Don't have to pay the son's college rent for a few months so am going to live it up! Actually had a bounce in my step again.

Am re-affirming my faith Sat. Was not going to do it because of what happened last wk, but need to move on. God and I are getting along better now.

Thank you to everyone for the compasion on this site. Being able to put into words my feelings really helped. There is so much knowledge and love on this forum.

Thank you! I will keep you all informed. Her court date is June 2.

[anotheraddict]

Kathleen,

It's so great to hear that you are taking some time for yourself! Sorry I haven't been around much, but my new job is working 3rd shift. So, I sleep all day most days and only get up to go to work at night.

Job is going okay. Stressful to learn all new things, but I will survive. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers in the coming week for the court date.

Jean

[MARLEY123]

Originally Posted by kaceyw

hi , im new to this site. But recently i am the daughter of a mother who chose drugs instead of her family. I guess you could say that my sister and i were her only family. But she got this new boyfriend. I figured out she was using drugs. (like herion && other things) but i cannot seem to unterstand addiction. Does it really mess with your mind that much that you just abandon your kids? Can someone help me understand what drugs really do to you?

addiction sucks it messes with your mind and you can loose everything clean for 3 days i am trying to be strong almost lost my house and my job but no more i am done. In order to be an addict you have to have an addictive personality if you don't have that it is really hard to explain. It is a disease and only the addict can make it better its up to them to stop and stay clean

[Freedom4me]

Kathleen,
Glad you had a great weekend. You deserve it. i love the way you have started to reach out to others here. You have a different persective that we all need to hear.

Jean, I miss you and your posts. You need to get your boss to switch your hours so you can post here more often, lol

[kathleen5hockey]

Marley, addiction does suck. We all have some kind of addiction, coffee, cigs, video games, etc. What sucks is the drug addiction. It takes over your life! Please be strong and get your life back. Believe me, heroin almost destroyed my life and I didn't even do it. The people that love you suffer, we cannot do it for you, we can be supportive of you. After 3 years in h--l I have learned that. This forum has changed my life! Have been to so many counceling sessions but it is being able to write things down and then re-read your posts that is helpful. I cannot believe how much I have grown. I thought God had deserted my family and me, thought that my daughter was being punished for my past. I found a great church, new friends, this forum and a fresh outlook on life. Told the husband that we are re-winding the past year. We spent his 50th birthday in court with daughter last year what a drag. Told him he will be 50 (again) this year and we will celebrate right!

My prayers go out to everyone in the throws of addiction, family members too. You WILL beat it!

[kathleen5hockey]

Update on daughter. We went to court yesterday have received a public defender. Go back on June 26. Wow, there were people in hand cuffs, not a pretty sight. Hoping this will scare the daughter. She went to school yesterday for a few hours but not today. Just went for my walk and soaked in the beautiful morning. She is still using and selling. She doesn't go for methadone or suboxone anymore. Her choice, not mine.

On a good note. Sat. I reaffirmed my faith, the husband and son would not go. I was feeling sorry for myself in the pew, got in line for the Bishop and turned to see daughter and her friend standing in the back of church! My heart soared!! At the sign of peace got up and brought them both to sit with me in the pew, we received Communion together. What a miracle. 2 heroin addicts in church. She is telling me often how much she loves me and has been actually very human to me. I want to believe she is trying and is not playing me. The guard is always up.

Well, that's the update. Still don't believe she "gets" it. It is in God's hands now. Even my horse trainer says she sees a big difference in my riding. It's as if the weights have been taken off of my shoulders. Jumped barrels!

Thanks to all of you who have been with me and continue to help me. You all will never know how much help you have given me. Hugs to everyone! Please continue to stand with me.

One more thing, what is Seriquil?

[Freedom4me]

Big smile for you Kathleen. You sound much better. Keep the faith.

[Eha1215]

Kathleen,
I've been reading your posts and found myself so thankful for the fact that you have shared with all of us your story. I think you're one of the strongest people I know of and I have to say that although we don't know each other I'm really proud of you. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been and must still be to see your child go through what she's going through. I'm inspired by your attitude lately and how you're handling things for yourself and the rest of your family. How do you manage to have your daughter that close to you but not get angry, depressed, or worried but rather leaving her issues up to her to resolve? Any tips you can give will be greatly appreciated. I'm currently close to someone who's a drug addict himself so I want to know how to keep myself deattached...Again congratulations on your new attitude and self-improvements!

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi, it's hard at first to give the power back to the drug addict. For over 2 yrs. I have fought the system to get her help. 5 rehabs that I drove her or flew to, numerous hospitals but it was always me beating my head against the wall. I found a church that I poured my heart out to, they have prayed with me, stood by me and hugged me while I cried. My Reverand always says "it's the free will", that's the problem. I have turned her over to God. Now, I don't yell, don't argue and don't give ultimatiums. I try to be my same old self. I talk to her as an adult and always tell her it's her choice, I will not force anymore. I try to make our home a safe refuge from the drug world, even having the boyfriend over. For example today, woke her up for school, she started yelling "shut up", I just left her room and went for a walk. This afternoon she asked "why didn't you wake me up for school?" Told her what happened this morning, she didn't even remember! It is a constant struggle to harness my mothering instincts but I keep trying. I actually laugh now! It's been years and it feels so good! I will always love my child and will always be beside her when she asks for help, I will NOT force my opinions on her, nor keep after her to stop drugs. That is her choice. It took me many years to learn these things, my hope is I can spare others my years of pain. I hope this helped you. Please feel free to ask any questions, we can survive this with help from others. I do still regret what has happened but now realize that I cannot go back, we can only go forward. Finally learning that it was not my fault, that is the hardest thing as a parent to believe.

[tired2]

Hi Kathleen...I haven't posted here for awhile...I'm so happy that you are now actually starting to live your own life again ...It's truely great....I was so surprised that your daughter and so called boyfriend actually went to church hopefully that is a start . So are u going to court with her ? I don't mean to sound harsh so please do not take this wrong but I'd let her go to court on her own...she got herself into it she should get herself out. I wouldn't even let that that pervert in my house father or not 25 yr old vs 17 just not right.
I'm sorry I'm really not trying to upset you...I'm very proud of you and you are a good mother.
Well I'm still praying for you .
Pam

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Pam, yes I had to go to court she is 17. I allow the boyfriend to come to our home because she will just run out to him. Figure it is time for forgiveness, yes, even for him. Don't really like him but in his defense he has stood by the daughter, even took a day off from work to go to court with us. He loves her for what that is worth. I am trying compassion for them both. Although I still ask when he is getting an apartment, ask the daughter how the job hunting is going. At age 18 I am no longer her guardian, then she is truely on her own. Until then the law states I am in charge of her, if only they knew how little control I really have.

[Eha1215]

Kathleen,
thank you so much for your help. Believe it or not that brief post reassured me of what it is I'm going through and that the most important thing is remembering that everyone makes their own choices. I'm slowly but surely finding my way and trying to let go, but it's difficult when I see him (my ex boyfriend). He wants me to accept his habit (marijuana) and give the relationship a try with that being in the open instead of having to hide it from me and it really gets confusing, because sometimes you're hurting so much that it feels unbearable and you feel like you just might accept the addicts terms because you've tried it all and it hasn't worked! For you it must be so difficult because it's your child, whereas I have the choice to walk away completely and it's ok because he's not family. But I still find it puzzling on what to do and figured in the meantime I would just try to live my life and not worry too much about him... I definately don't want to go through more years of pain... but it's difficult to just let go. And reading your posts has somewhat helped me have some hope for myself...I mean for you to even forgive the boyfriend! You've definately come a long way...

[kathleen5hockey]

I am glad that my posts are helping you. It is very hard to distance yourself from the addict and your love for the addict. Keep on doing good things for yourself. Do not get sucked into the drug world. It is not a nice place to be, it's especially hard when you are watching with out any control. I work on this daily.

Let me get something out, on Wed the lady I work with (whose son is a drug addict/ex-convict) called our office over 8 times in 3 hrs, then came by to get drug money from her. I got really upset, probably more so than necessary. Told my co-worker to have her son stop calling the office. Now, this woman is the same who has the answers to all my problems. She got really pissed. Thurs. wouldn't even look at me, my boss came in - told him te situation and he just shook his head. He had fired this woman a few years ago but the Town re-hired her. Now I am getting hang up calls at home from a private number (which she has) on caller id. Am overly upset by this. I guess because I go to work to get away from this crazyness, instead it follows me. I took today off to re-group. Why is this soooo upsetting to me? Is it because I am loosing control at my office?

Thanks for letting me get this out. Of course the husband doesn't want to hear about it, tells me I am to sensitive. Probably.

[kathleen5hockey]

Ok, I knew it would be happening and it did this morning. The son blew up with the daughter, lots of screaming and name calling. Then I come into work and the looney I work with has an attitude because I was mean to her drug addict son. Let me say this, I have got to get out of this drug world and fast. Am loosing my mind to this. Last week was good and I know that it is in God's hands but I have got to get out!

[kathleen5hockey]

Robert - is it possible to be a casual heroin addict? Keep finding needles around, she's not passed out like before. I think she needs heroin to feel normal, nothing else does it for her.

Here is a hoot. Her teacher e-mailed me that he thinks she needs summer school. Here we have to pay over $300 for summer school. Told him to talk with her about it because it is her decision. She was told by the teacher that all she has to do to pass is get a 70 on the final test and go to school every day until the 18 (last day). Well, this morning she wouldn't go to school although she was up and walking around. Told me she wanted to go to summer school. I just said if you won't go during the regular year I really can't see you getting up in the summer to go. Prove to me that you want an education go to school today.

She thinks I am stupid. Today is the boyfriends day off from work, while we are at work he goes to my house. My neighbor watches and tells me everything.

I know it is in God's hands, just wish she was out of my house.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Robert_325]

kathleen .... your daughter may be using more than the amount of needles you're finding. I don't consider anyone a "casual" heroin user unless they used once or twice and have never used again. Other than that it's an ugly addiction and there is nothing casual about it. She's just hiding it better from you even if it seems like she doesn't care if you find out.

The simple fact that she was turning away the suboxone or methadone that you talked about a week or so ago is proof she isn't concerned with recovery at this point. If she was she would be taking advantage of the opportunities she's been given to clean up. Do the best you can. God bless.

[kathleen5hockey]

Thank you Robert, I can always depend on you. I thought that maybe she could use like I use cigs, just every now and then. Guess not. I have read her IM posts and they involve percs and syriquel. It's a bad road she is on. It is sooo hard to distance myself from my daughter. Every day is a battle of my own.

Did the wedding happen yet? Who would have thought that God brought you thru drug world to end up helping others and finding a wonderful partner for life! I think about that alot, why is this happening and what will be the end result?