[kathleen5hockey]

You're right Bev. Just talked to the son am going to buy him lunch, typical man, just feed me! I do try to give him extra attention, we are very close. Have given the hubby extra slack, again, men!

[kathleen5hockey]

Update on daughter: she went for the written driving test and failed. She actually passed the test on driving but failed on the drug test, not the piss test but the written test. Personnally I think it is a scam to make more money. Who would know the penalty for DUI driving in this state unless you were caught? I don't know it. Next week will try again and another $40 to DMV! Anyway, figure God is steering her life, must be a reason she didn't pass. I decided to go to church with Amy on Sunday instead of boating. We both need Christ in our lives. She had a fight with bf and was home waiting for him all night. His parents have told him if they find out he is seeing her they will throw him out. I understand that they are upset but hey, my daughter took the brunt of all of their stupidity. Told Amy that bf is in a bad position, he wants to see her, (they are in love!) but he doesn't have anywhere else to live. Apts in our area start at $900, that's for the bad areas. As an adult she has to look at both sides of the coin. She calls him a wimp, I see him stuck in the middle. He works at a bank, how can he live in a homeless shelter? His parents control the car. Yeah, he is 25 but mentally I think he's about 18. Oh well, at least she is laughing again, her skin is clear and there have not been any needles for a few weeks. I don't know, does it seem to good to be true?

[kathleen5hockey]

My Reverend gave me the following, thought it would help others. It's from Daily Devotional with Dr. Charles Stanley,
Dealing with Discouragement, Psalm 42:1-8
How can we conquer discouragement?
1. Look within. Prayerfully examine yourself for the underlying cause.
2. Admit that you are discouraged. It's easy to avoid, ignore, or lie about it. But denial is deadly, and it guarantees failure.
3. Identify precisely what you are discouraged about. Name it; then face it.
4. Recall the nature of discouragement. Disappointments will come and go, but discouragement is a choice that you make.
5. Begin meditating frequently on God's Word. This way, you can accurately judge what you feel by what is real.
6. Take your area of discouragement to God in prayer. Ask Him to reveal what He wants to teach you in this area of your life.
7. Focus on God, not your situation. Ask Him to help you see this disappointment and its lessons from His perspective.
8. View the cause as coming from the Lord. If we understand that He allows disappointments, we can find an opportunity for growth, even in trouble.
9. Confess these three truths aloud: The Father is with me in the pain; He's in control of my life and has allowed this for a reason; He is a good God, who will turn this disappointment into blessing.

Thought this might help you, it has helped me. I have truely changed my way of thinking. It's not all about me anymore. I was so wrapped up in saving my daughter and asking "why?" Now I know it just "is" and we will learn from it and deal with it. Still not as easy as it sounds but it does get easier each day.

[ddosher]

Thank you for this sooo much Kathy. I do believe I will benefit from this little ditty...I am printing off several copies to leave where I tend to be throughout the day so that when I start to get flustered or upset, I can ground myself. Thanks again.
Donna

[desperate4help]

Hey Kathleen,

Im sorry to jump in here on your thread, but i cant help it! Ive sat here and read threw all of your thread, and am quite amazed.. I commend you for your strength.. and Amy sounds like a great girl =)

Im a fairly young girl, and got in to percocet and then oxycontin. It got so bad I stole, lied, lost everyone, including all my friends. I live in a close knit city where everyone knows everyone. I felt like i just wanted to hide and never leave my room. I hid this addiction from my family (which i live with) although they ALWAYSSS new something was up. I wasnt who i used to be..the happy cheerful girl everyone new. One day i actually had a knife. Sitting in my room crying my eyes out. Ashamed of the people i hurt, the family members & people i stole from, ashamed of what i let myself become. I took the knife to my wrist intenting to end my nightmare. I didnt have the guts to do it, THANKGOD!!!!!!!!!! But i did have the guts to go right downstairs and break the news to my mom & dad. My mom who means more to me then anything in this world. I seen her break down, I seen my dad cry for the first time. That really hit me. How could i do this to my family?? Its so ignorant of me to have not thought of them, how it would deeply affect them...

I can relate to you in the trust issue. Oh the battling me and my mom used to go threw.. The fights..the chaos...stealing from her.. i mean i dont know how she didnt know all along. ( I think she did but did not want to face it bcause when i told her she seemed like she sort of new all along but was to naive) I have been clean for about a month. Roberts helping me threw the suboxone tapering.. Im working threw issues with parents.. but getting them to trust me again is the HARDEST for me.. Guess i have no one to blame but myself for that huh

But being clean i finally appreciate my mom. And every day i spend making up for lost time while i was on drugs. I really treated her like ******** and boy do i regret it! When your on any drug, in Amys case herion or crack the drug actually takes over you. you know and she knows shes not herself.. it hurts im sure, but it seems like shes doing great.. your story is such a inspiration to me.. reminds me of me & my mom.. I know she will come around and soon enough be the little girl you used to know.. I wish her all the best of luck. Just keep sticking by her side every step of the way!! I apreciate so much the support of my mom, and it makes me never want to go back to drugs.

Sorry so long.. but i commend you! God bless you & Amy.. I hope everything works out for you & your family. This site is heaven sent i swear!!

- Gina

[kathleen5hockey]

Gina, thank you for your kind words, I am soooo happy for you. This sight is heaven sent! You mom probably thought (like I did) that your changes were because of teen yrs. As for the stealing, most of the stuff I didn't even know was gone until much later in the drug use. Your mom and dad sound alot like us. When I saw her dad cry it broke my heart as well as hers but she was high when it happened. We just want our little girl back. It is an adjustment, we all have grown. Every day gets easier to trust her. It is so amazing these past 2 weeks, I have to pinch myself to see if it's true. Just like anything else, once someone hurts you (and not just with drugs) it takes time to build up trust. It is hard loosing your friends, but as I tell Amy, they were not your friends to start with if they dump you. How are you getting by and making new friends? Would like your input on how to help Amy move on from here. The first step is the hardest but of course I am the mother, no one listens to me! LOL.

The situation w/ mom will get better, there is no love like the love of a mother. Sometimes all I want is to sit quietly and just be with her. Hug her. Amy tells me all the time she loves me, would rather see actions. Here is one that we mom's just love, do the dishes or clean the house, now that says love!

God saved you. My Preacher always says "the harder the Devil tries to get you the bigger plan God has for you."

I am so happy you have written here, please come back again.

Kathleen

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by kathleen5hockey

Gina, thank you for your kind words, I am soooo happy for you. This sight is heaven sent!
........................................

God saved you. My Preacher always says "the harder the Devil tries to get you the bigger plan God has for you."
.......................................

Kathleen

The devil loves religion. Satan has no problem with religion. He just hates it when we develop a true relationship with Jesus Christ. Satan doesn't mind the cults, the strange and "out there" ideas of some religions. They help him prosper.

It's like if someone starts to over-embellish their high school pranks to sound cool to their freinds. Lots of kids do that. That's the kind of things that seem like little white lies that are totally insignificant. When people go to church to look good to the public for business purposes or whatever don't think for a second that the devil isn't singing his little evil songs of praise.

When a person has lived in hell literally, when that person has been at the very lowest they could ever possibly be whether it's addictions, greed, whatever the case and they still not only survive, but prosper and grow in the Lord, what kind of a testimony is that? I mean which story is going to impact that person waiting to hear the Word?

"The greater the miracle the greater the testimony" couldn't be a more true reality. There are some truly great miracle testimonies that tell the story of recovery through the grace of our Father. God bless.

[desperate4help]

Originally Posted by kathleen5hockey

Gina, thank you for your kind words, I am soooo happy for you. This sight is heaven sent! You mom probably thought (like I did) that your changes were because of teen yrs. As for the stealing, most of the stuff I didn't even know was gone until much later in the drug use. Your mom and dad sound alot like us. When I saw her dad cry it broke my heart as well as hers but she was high when it happened. We just want our little girl back. It is an adjustment, we all have grown. Every day gets easier to trust her. It is so amazing these past 2 weeks, I have to pinch myself to see if it's true. Just like anything else, once someone hurts you (and not just with drugs) it takes time to build up trust. It is hard loosing your friends, but as I tell Amy, they were not your friends to start with if they dump you. How are you getting by and making new friends? Would like your input on how to help Amy move on from here. The first step is the hardest but of course I am the mother, no one listens to me! LOL.

The situation w/ mom will get better, there is no love like the love of a mother. Sometimes all I want is to sit quietly and just be with her. Hug her. Amy tells me all the time she loves me, would rather see actions. Here is one that we mom's just love, do the dishes or clean the house, now that says love!

God saved you. My Preacher always says "the harder the Devil tries to get you the bigger plan God has for you."

I am so happy you have written here, please come back again.

Kathleen

Kathleen,

You are so right. I am Christian, and when i was younger would attend church every sunday.Of course i still pray, and i do believe God got me threw this nightmare, or "is getting me threw this nightmare". Ive had a great life. Loving parents & family, two sisters. Went to school, church, became a hairdresser. From the outside in, everything looked so normal. Thats why it was such a suprise to my parents. As for the friends thing, Its hard. Extremely hard for me. Ive hid it from everyone and i mean EVERYONE. I had one friend that i used with. So when i started distancing myself from everyone, people starting talking. So now im known as a "Junkie" to everyone in my neighborhood because of all the rumors and the truth actually ... That affected me the most. I was always the popular girl, fun outgoing, played softball, all that good stuff. But people love to talk. And ive learned to ignore it and not let it get to me. Thankfully, I have a boyfriend.. He had no idea about my drug use ( Hard to believe, I know) But he broke up with me because of my "shady" behavior. I mean it was obvious. He got a new girlfriend and i was DEVASTED.. could i blame him though? Bottom line was he couldnt trust me.. and how could he when i was constantly buying, and doing drugs behind his back. So long story short When i woke up and wanted to get clean it hit me what i had lost.. and i got him back. He is mr ANTI DRUGS and just truly a great guy. So even tho my parents encouraged me to tell him i didnt have the guts to. But they know hes a great guy..and they know hes part of the reason i wanted to get clean. and hes probably good for me right now. Being around him, does not wanna make me use. I dont even think of the pills when im with him. So despite losing everyone, which is extremely tough i still have him. But theres times i need that girlfriend relationship

I would let Amy know your there for her which im sure she knows, but for some reason had my mom right behind me in this kind of filled the void of loseing my friends. and Amys soooo young. Once she has her new life of being clean, Im sure she is gonna meet new friends!!! She has a whole life ahead of her, a new life without the drugs. Its gonna give her a whole new outlook on life. She will meet new people, she has all the time in the world.. shes just a teenager! Did she try therapy? Because the depression was really bad for me. that helped me alot!

Shew, it feels good to vent on here. Its like my own personal therapy. When i was so alone & depressed i would spend days n days on here. Well im over a month off the pills And im on a low dose of suboxone. Which Robert is helping me step by step to eventually get off!! Its gonna be hard to finally get off the subs and get used to not taking anything on a daily basis.. But i know God has a plan for me, and it is to have a good CLEAN life. If you need anything im here. Im in my 20s but i started drugs around Amys age. So i can relate.. Im praying for you both I know you both deserve a good life together, and it will come soon enough!!!!


-Gina

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Gina, We did have a great weekend together, we went shopping (whole other story), Sat was on my gf boat, all women and young girls. She was wonderful. We talked on the way home from boating about how nice it is to go and do fun things. Told her I really missed spending time with her.

Now the problem. I took my mom, Amy, my niece (Jena) and me to the outlets. Amy got alot of really nice clothes. When the Jena got in the car noticed something different about her. Then at the outlets she was buzzing, and I mean zipping around like on speed. Eating candy, throwing clothes around, nutty. Hands shaking, eyes dialated. Turns out she smoked a blunt before we left (it's the only way she could be nice to us, so she says), and at the resturant she snorted an Oxy in the bathroom with Amy there. Man am I pissed! Amy is trying her hardest and doing a good job at staying off of drugs. Jena was there the whole time Amy's heroin addiction was at the worst and she snorts drugs in front of her! The worst part is that my brother (her father) is addicted to Oyx's too, he gives them to her! She is 15. Am going to lunch with his secretary tomorrow to get the low down. As far as I know Jena is doing 40 mils of Oxy's a day.

I will confront my brother about this but Amy doesn't want me to say she told me. After that will not have any unnecessary contact w/them. How sad, my mom spent over $600 on these girls, Amy was a true joy to have around, Jena was making me crazy. On one hand it was good for Amy to see what a druggie looks like thru clear eyes, on the other she doesn't need any temptation. I am my brothers bookkeeper, haven't seen the books for over 5 months, heck he still hasn't paid me from Dec. Anyway, his warehouse mortgage is 4mths behind and his home 2 mths late. Drugs are going to bankrupt him, then kill him. The worst part is he owes my mother $80/k! Will have a chat with her too.

Then we have Amy's bf who is a royal pain. Amy was w/ her mom, grandma and cousin he keeps calling her, when you comming home, are you w/ your new bf. What an a--. I told him where we were going. Then Sat same thing on the boat.

Amy and I had a long converstation about it. Have realized that her bf is just like her father. I never really looked at it like that but it is true. My husband says the same stupid things to me. We've been together for 25 yrs! In the begining girls would ask me to go out and I wouldn't just to be w/him. Always joked my leash wasn't that long. May it was my insecurity. Even Sat. after boating all the girls were going out, not me. I stayed home thought we would have a little romance. Nope, he worked on his motorycycle all night long. Will never do that again! From now on am going out and having fun.

My gf is getting me ticket to meet her in Vegas, husband is not happy about it but to bad. He says, your going to get really drunk and pick up a guy. How stupid is that?!

One thing for sure, Amy's addiction has helped me to see what my life is really like. Wow, that was a mouth full.

[desperate4help]

Well, you know what. As sad as it may seem its not good for Amy to be around that. She is WAYYYYY to close to getting clean, as well as me that if i seen that id be scared of how i would re act. Temptation is the devil. especially drugs when you are an addict! That must have been hard for her.

About the whole boyfriend thing, My boyfriend was the SAME way. I wasnt aloud to do ANYTHING and if i was id be scared the whole time he was mad at me for doing it. We both got over that and now we trust eachother, I guess because i no longer have friends to go out with for him to even be mad But i couldnt be happier with him. we have a great relationship. Everyone fights thats normal but wen were not fighting which is most of the time. I couldnt be happier.

So ive been really depressed lately. I cant figure out why. I cant sleep sometimes, i guess from anxiety, nervousness. I dont know. I guess it comes with the whole getting clean. Ive been moping around..hope things get better.

How is Amy by the way? How long has she been off the herion? and does her bf use also, if you dont mind me asking? I pray for her.. and you and everyone thats going threw what im going threw because It is certainly NOT easy!! Talk to you soon

[kathleen5hockey]

Amy was shooting almost 3 yrs, her bf definately used don't know how long. They were using and stealing from me together. She has been clean for about 3 weeks now (I think). At least haven't seen any drug stuff around. Her skin is clear, eyes are bright. Her bf is a jerk, he calls to say he is comming over then never shows. I took her looking for jobs yesterday, she needs to get on with her life.

As far as the cousin goes, Amy will NOT be around her anymore. I am a sucker, Jena has a terrible family life, mother alchololic, father druggie. Just really wanted to show here there is more. After the day with her have realized this is way beyond what even I can handle. She has no manners, was never taught how to act in a resturant, shopping etc. Snorting drugs in front of my daughter is unacceptable! It's sad but not my problem.

I also get depressed at times. The best way to beat depression is to take time for yourself, take a bubble bath with candles, I walk and sew. We have to take care of ourselves. Even if we have a loved one we always should come first. That is something drug addiction has taught me.

Stay clean and happy! Life is great!!!!!!!!

[kathleen5hockey]

Another great night last night. Amy and her father went bike riding, not motorcycle bike but exercise kind. We live on a huge hill, they had a heck of a time. She took Suboxone again last night. What a beauty she is, such clear eyes. Am very proud of her and tell her constantly.

Have a question re Oxy's. Do they make your hands shake and crave candy and is 40 mils alot? Have learned about heroin but this is new. Just asking because of the niece.

Thanks to all, cannot believe how far we all have come. Congrats to us all!!

[kathleen5hockey]

Hubby and I took Amy out for dinner last nigh. Have realized that we cannot do that anymore. Amy was wonderful, the hubby is a jerk. Always on my case which makes her upset. Amy and I together is great, Amy and dad also great, the whole family, not great. Don't know if I am being over sensitive but hubby started bugging me that I was drinking liquor at dinner, it was ice tea! I very rarely drink, out dancing yes, but just to have a drink, no. He is always accusing me of doing something stupid. Have asked him to let up, Amy asked him to leave it be, will see what happens today. Of course if we don't say thank you to him for dinner it's bad.

Thanks for letting me vent. I am trying to figure out if it's always been this way or am I seeing things differently now.

[kathleen5hockey]

Update: Amy is doing so good!!! I have a week long horse job, Amy and bf have been helping me. We actually talk, not scream. I asked what made her stop using? She said the last breakdown I had really made her see she was not only killing herself but her father and me. She said she loves us to much and doesn't want us to die from this. WOW!!!!! Thanks to all on this forum. You have helped my family to get thru this addiction. We take one day at a time.

[Lost83]

I am so happy for your family. You must have raised one smart young lady!

[kathleen5hockey]

Thanks Lost, we have both been thru some rough times. Thank God we have happiness now! Keep in touch, feel like we are old friends.

[Lost83]

Certainly Kathleen, I have a feeling I will be poking around this forum for years to come. I know how LOST (hence the screen name) I felt when I first signed on and for over a year this forum has been a part of my life. It felt great to have others in my shoes or on the other side guiding me with their suggestions and support. I just hope I can give back as much as I received here.

[kathleen5hockey]

You have so much compassion, I believe you will continue to help others as you have me. This forum helped me realize that I am not alone. Suggestions from both sides of the fence did help. It also helped me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Knowing that people who I have never met cared so deeply for my daughter and me is awsome! I will stay on this forum to keep updates on Amy. My hope is all I have written will help others.

[bev49]

Hi there, Kathleen.... Sorry, I haven't been on your thread for awhile... Just caught up and have to say I am so very happy to see how well Amy's doing. The thing with her cousin is very sad, but Amy has to stay away from her totally. My one and only concern is her b/f. If it were me, I would encourage her to end it unless he gets help, either suboxone or NA or something. One clean person together with one not clean person is not a good mix. I'm really sorry to say anything at all negative when things are going so well, but I know being with a user makes staying clean very difficult.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi Bev, was wondering how you are doing. Hope all is well. Her bf is using Suboxone too. She doesn't see him as much as in the past. Yesterday he stopped by for about an hour then didn't come back. I think he has someone else or is using. He says he'll be there to take her out then not show up. Last night she waited (we were home) then at 10 calls to say he wants to come over. We all said no. She is very strong, I hear her talking to him. She tells him not to say he'll show up and not show. Something is up with him. She is doing very good, will be taking her out for shoes today. Have been spending lots of time together, she went to work yesterday with me at the church and will be working at church school Sunday. Am very proud of her!

[Lost83]

It's refreshing to hear that she is taking control of her life and gaining some self confidence. It's important that she knows she is worth while and doesn't have to settle for less. I think you are doing the best you can. Allowing her to come to her own conclusion about him is probably the best route. She knows what you think of her bf but forbiding them to see each other would most likely drive them closer, it's so cliche.

[kathleen5hockey]

I agree. We just keep telling her how proud we are of her and how she deserves to be treated like a lady.

[bev49]

Youre doing things perfectly Kath..... I by no means meant forbid her from seeing her b/f. I remember being that age. My mom forbidding me from going out with a boy meant I was instantly madly in love with him, there was no one more important in the world than him, and i HAD to be seriously involved and see him all the time. parents be damned. All I meant is let her know your feelings, that you are so proud of her and see how great she's doing and how hard she's trying and you really wouldn't want to see anythjing undermine or jeapordize her success. She will see the light on her own in about him in time and will be do ne with him on her own. I'm just so glad she's doing so well....

[Lost83]

Hey Bev,

How are ya? Hope you didn't think my compliment to Kathleen was in any way related to your post. I didn't think you were implying that she should forbid Amy from seeing her BF. i just think she is doing a great job of letting go and letting her daughter make these decisions. Have a great day, I am!

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi folks, we are going to the school for a meeting today. Have been talking to Amy and hubby about it. He wants her to go back to the "regular" school, I want her in alternate and she wants to go back to the "r" school but to go in late and leave early. While talking to hubby last night he said he doesn't want her in the alternate because all of those kids have problems. HELLO! Amy has problems!! I have let my views be known will see where it leads. My position is I would rather her be in our town alternate (she was in another town school last yr), get good grades and move on with her life, in this town if she gets good grades for one yr she can graduate with honors, colleges don't know her past, it would help her. Oh well.

Last night something weird was going on with her. She called from bf house for me to go get her, half way there she calls and says don't come. Bf was yelling at her, they were fighting again. Before bed I went to say goodnight to her and she asked did I hear someone screaming in the house? Paranoid as I am instantly thought that was how she was on crack. Man, it's always in the back of my mind. She also slept on the sofa downstairs. Maybe she just didn't feel good. Yep, paranoid.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi, just an update, Amy will be attending the high school, not alternate. She is very happy about it. She has been a wonderful person lately. Have been telling her how proud I am. We had a talk last night about how I quit smoking and she quit drugs. We both feel soooo much better because of it. We went to church on Sunday together. I used to cry my eyes out in church begging for my daughter. Now I have her. Will keep you updated. Thanks!

[bev49]

Hiya Lost... I in no way took your post as a critisism of my post. I agree with you 100% that Amy is a big girl and needs to make her own decisions. In fact, there is no way to control what your adult kid does in any case.
kathy, I'm so happy that things seem to be going relatively well. I sure as heck wish she would lose that bf though. To add to what I just said to Lost, of course, you have no control over that other than letting her know your feelings. He is bad news imho. Oh well, maybe she'll get smart about that soon enough. That one night with her hearing the scream does seem kind of weird, sounds like it might be cocaine paranoia, but I guess we just have to give her the benefit of the doubt since she seems to be doing so well generally. I'm really glad she's going back to school. That will occupy her time and help her self esteem. She is lucky to have the great family she does. When all is said and done, family support (not enabling but love and being there) is the number 1 thing that keeps us straight. I believe that firmly.

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi all, tomorrow is the big day. We went shoe shopping (you girls understand), anyway Amy is tiny, like her mother, we wear size 4.5 -5 shoe, almost imposible to find. She was getting really bummed out until we found the perfect store, bought 3 pairs! Anyway the point is she is ready and excited about it. I am going into school with her to help along. All in all she is great. Then why am I still looking for needles, why do I have this nagging fear? Oh well, I'm a mom, we're suppost to worry. Say a prayer for her, she has been to h--l and back.

[Lost83]

Kathleen,

All I can say is live for TODAY! Don't worry about what could be, live in the moment for tomrrow is never guaranteed. She is doing GREAT from the reports you give us. You have no control over her destiny and you know that, enjoy what she is today and let tomorrow speak for itself. Be happy for the good times that you have; we know dealing with loved ones in addiction those occasions are few and far between. I wish you and you're family all the happiness in the world and hope this is a new start for Amy. I can't tell you not to worry about tomorrow but suggest you focus on today. That's how I get by. Please keep us posted and I pray for her continuos success.

[kathleen5hockey]

Took her to school today, the first day back. She is nervous but so am I. Forced myself to not say or do anything to show her I was worried. I am praying it goes ok. She is in Junior homeroom and classes, a little upset about that. I just kept telling her take it as she is going to a new school just as if we had moved to another town. Today is a turning point. Everyone please say a prayer for her success. Will tell you all later how it turned out.