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Addict for two years+...Why is everyone so happy?
Addict for two years+...Why is everyone so happy?
I have been an addict for two years now. I'm addicted to oxycontin, roxy, and whatever other pain medicine that I can get if I can't get those two. Before getting addicted to pain killers I smoked marijuana and would binge drink. Over the past few months I have developed a pretty severe anger problem. I have been reading these forums for quite awhile and am wondering why everyone seems so upbeat and positive? I wake up most days wishing that the world would just end. How can you all be so positive when faced with a something as big as addiction?
have a read of my thread then, yeh upbeat a lot,
but definately have my downer days, like today, big time bad, in fact my last week has been total cr@p.
its reality, and here, we encourage each other, if it was all total gloom i guess we'd run out and top ourselves. i know i need encouragement, in a major way.
nothing wrong with positivity bro.
I agree there isn't anything wrong with positivity. I'm just really having a hard time being positive, especially lately. I feel negative all the time and it's really getting to me. I guess what I am wondering is how do you pull yourself up when you are so down? I've had depression for a long time and the older I get, the more negative I get. I used to be so positive, even when I was first diagnosed with depression, and I never had anger issues. I didn't mean to sound insulting, I just want to know how a lot of you can be so hopeful after years of feeling knocked down?
Well, like Cheeky said, we have our ups and downs, you just have to sift through.
However, an important distinction also is that the majority here are either in the process of getting clean or have just done that, which explains the overly positive mode
It's an accomplishment, a difficult one to attain, to get clean. That's why it feels so great..
When I was on >>>>>>, though, watch out. I was on the warpath 24/7.
It's the drugs making you feel this way.
Hi unhappy - okay...honest answer???
Jesus Christ. Yep. At age 23 I gave my sad, lost, mixed-up, depressed life to Him - since I was making such a mess of it anyway!
Have I been happy all these years? Nope. But I've never lost that deep-down peace - along with the confidence that He's always there - loving me & helping me.
What do you have to lose? Call on His name. He's there, knocking on your door.
Unhappy life. I know exactly how u feel. While on opiates it was always UP and then a huge down. I know for certain the opiates (currently on day 2 c/t) methadone 30mg and 10 mg IR .make depression & anxiety WORSE. Before I started opiates for pain I never felt like this. I was never suicidal, wishing I would die. Yes, I feel like sh*t now, but I have to concentrate on getting my life back.
It was SO much better b4 the opiates along with the pain. After this suboxone swtichover & taper I will never touch another opiate again. I would never have said that b4. Oh My PAIN is SO bad if you were in my body you wwould use too i would tell ppl. Well my tolerence was increasing so were my opiates. It's a lose-lose situation.
After lurking around these forums I had a revelation after reading so many wonderful stories. I want to get clean. Not just so I can use on an as needed basis but to be clean and free!
We are all here for you. I am a new member myself and I feel like this is home for me. Stick around. wish you all the best!
I felt the SAME way.I was sucidal and I blamed God.I have a 7 yr old and I think (thank God) that was the only thing that stopped me as I did not want to mess up his life without having a mother (how selfish). So I just wallowed in self-pity. I know now that it was me who choose the opiates & with God's help I will be clean soon. all the best & God Bless!
Originally Posted by melinda7.5
Hope and Faith
Unhappy - I've read your post several days and keep coming back to it. So many times we lose hope. Life beats us down. We get tired of trying to make lemonade out of lemons. And yes, addiction can be a cycle that can be very discouraging, whether it be your addiction or that of a loved one. But you ask in regards to the happy posts on this forum. Many people who post here have found hope. They've found people to help them carry the burdens. They've found folks who care whether today is a bad day or if it's all good.
Unhappy, I pray that you'll find hope. If not through the forum, then a local Celebrate Recovery or other group meeting. Because to be without hope is a desperate place to be. May you this day be encouraged that there is life on the other side of addiction and that you find hope that is missing from your spirit.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1
I surely was not happy in the midst of my addiction.. I did have some good days if enough dope about but all and all.... not happy. Always waiting for the shoe to drop, dope sick, too high, dope sick again.. just a vicious cycle.
Originally Posted by UnhappyInLife
Now... I can honestly say I am basically a happy soul. I still have my problems. Just left my job, starting a new career at my age is not easy. I am coming up on a two yrs off suboxone and 1.5yrs of total abstinence of drugs. My depression after suboxone nearly took me out. I had to take drastic measures. I did Ibogaine. I don't believe in antidepressants at all but when ibogaine is broken down by the liver it acts as a anti flucket for a while. Way too many studies shows antidepressant do very little other then change the normal brain chemistry.
Also... if your still using and know your gonna have to face wd.. I can see where the anger/depression comes in. I was once told that depression is anger turn inwards... I guess the same of anger is outward sign of depression.
IMO.. do some soul searching. Do some research. Get some support and face your addiction. Cant run from it for ever... can for a long time but then miss out on life and your full potential
I was addicted to Tramadol for two years I was taking at least 30 pills a day and it was horrible. I was no longer popping these pills because I wanted to get high it was because my body would go through horribl withdrawl. One day I woke up and decided I did not want this anymore. I went cold turkey I do not suggest you to do that. If i had to do it again I would of consulted a doctor. I have been clean now for 37 days and trust me it is hard, but I feel like i have control of my life again I did have to go on lexapro for depression because after getting off tramadol Ifelt depressed, but I rather take antidepressants then to be high on these pills. I am happier now and feel like I have control again. This web site also helped me tremendously.
good luck to you
Addiction can be very dreadful. I know i was an addict for two years. I took tramadol for two years 30 plus pills a day. I just got off of them 37 days ago and I feel like i have my life bck. Please get some help there is a pot of gold at he end of that rainbow.
Thank you all.
Thank you all for the advice/replies. I want to get clean and stay clean. I'm realizing that the pills are taking a major toll on my depression. I quit for two weeks back in February. The withdraw was so bad that I thought I was going to die. I promised myself then that I was never going to go back, but I did. I quit again in June and stayed clean for about a month before going back again. I guess that is why I am losing hope. After relapsing twice I'm wondering if I will ever be able to quit completely. I can get through the withdraws but the cravings are what really get to me in the end, especially when something difficult comes up or I get overwhelmed. It starts with me telling myself that I will just have one and then it escalates from there. I'm hoping that third times a charm. I'm glad that I posted here. I don't know anyone going through this and I really can't talk to my family about ti.
Believe me, Unhappy, we've all been down that relapse road. So many, many times. Eventually it sticks, because with each time we learn a new coping skill. Getting clean is hell, but many can pull it off. It's only later, when our defenses are down, that we falter. So keep your defenses up. There are many ways of doing that: hobbies, support groups, identifying your triggers and how to push through them, realizing that there's never a way to dabble with these things. One time and we're pulled back in with the receding tide.
Don't lose hope. Never ever.
The fact that you keep trying is proof of what you want.
So keep trying. And this time, we're here to help you through.
All the best hun..
I've ran out of pills today. Hoping to stay out of them. Starting to feel the fatigue, chills, stomach ache, etc. I'm hoping to make it cold turkey. I'm really tied so I'm going to lie down! Hope the twitching does't keep me awake. Sweet dreams everyone!
You can do this. Just get through the hard part then everyone here will help with advice on staying clean.
21 days opiate free
Hi unhappy ......... I went from holding a cocked 9mm to my head while I was taking thirty 30mg roxies a day for years plus all kinds of other garbage, about 100 pills total a day, I got clean 8 years ago in NA, turned my life over to Jesus Christ about three plus years ago and it's been a life of joy since. Then I found the love of my life Melinda on this forum to top it off after being divorced 20 years.. I am so blessed I can hardly believe all God has done for me. Lots of cool stories on this forum. God bless.
I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.
give this a few days and your going to feel like a new person !! I promise
Let us know how it is going !!!
I will keep you all posted. I'd like to make this work this time and maybe finding this forum will be just the thing to help me. I'm feeling pretty bad right now and I know from previous experience that it's just going to get worse. I'll be checking in though. The worst thing is I feel sooo cold right now. Chills straight through to the bone. I gotta lie down. I'll be back on later. Thanks to you all!
Hi Unhappy.... Hang tough give it some time as the others have said. Yeah.... this addiction things pretty much $ucks. I was there, I would gobble up anything that would alter my $ucktastic life. Just not a happy guy, and you know what.... Life still can $uck. But...... Not having to worry about what doc you visited, or how many pills you have or if you could attend this event or that event based on a pill count. boy oh boy that sure helps. I planned many years of my life around those things. I was good at what Idid, but I started planning my work week around a pill bottle. IF it was full, I was going to have a good week. If it was empty, not so much. If it was half full..... Well who would know what kind of week it would be. I remember one week, I was hating life in general and knew I had a big week that I had to be on point for. Problem was, my supply was out, no refills, no options for refills.... Not a good place for an addict with a full schedule. So what I did was drop a cement block on my toe and broke it.... Yep, thats right.... What a putz I was. So you see, the moral here is Life can $uck, that is for sure, but add to it Addiction and that is just a recipe for disaster. I found this forum and it did a few things; it saved my life, and I have a made friends who I consider family. It also gave me an outlet to learn and help others. Some days me typing helps myself through my bad days. So hang in there and know you have found something you never had before.... A new famiy who will not judge you, but will help you. Will guide you, not scold you. Addiction is a process and it starts here.......Welcome. All my best............CA
Hey everyone. These withdraws are really getting to me. I feel like my body is made of jello. I can't concentrate and am having problems with memory. I've had to reschedule so many appointments this week. It's hard to even get dressed. I keep having mood swings in between crying and feeling bad back to crying again. I was in so much denial for so long that I had a problem. Looking back I realize that I have lost jobs because of my addiction...but I would just blame it on some other thing. Robert...I've been there with the gun to the head. I tried committing suicide twice two months ago. My husband saved my life.I'm happy that you and Melinda found each other! Caughtagain...I know exactly what you mean about planing your week around how many pills you have. I worked at a very demanding job. It was Physically and emotionally draining. If I didn't have my pills I would call off work. I got so bad that I started developing lung problems. I don't know if it was because of the pills I was taking but I have never been sicker in my life! I have even thought about injuring myself so that I could get something but never went as far to do it. I have to say this is the hardest thing I have been through so far in my life. I've pretty much been in bed the past couple days. Today was really the first day I stayed up for awhile. I was prescribed seroquel awhile ago for my anxiety so I have pretty much been taking it to know me out. It helps to just be able to sleep through the withdraws. Right now the main thing getting to me is the fatigue. It's horrible and I have a big day tomorrow. I've got so much to do and I am not looking forward to it. Thanks again to all of you! I gotta get back to bed.
Hi Un, You are going to make it! Hang in there. The fact that you were able to get up for a bit it great. Each day what you will find is things will start to improve. I was where you are. I felt like death warmed over. One thing I did that did help was cardio. At first it was just walking for 5 minutes. Remember, you need to get your body to start producing endorphins naturally. The body shuts down the production of them so you need to get them going again. Keep posting and keep with us. We are here for you and CARE. Also, if you can swing it get some L-tyrosine and B-6. These will give you some energy for the real bad times. When I went through WD;s I did it at work, I did not miss a day and NO ONE knew. I did it with the help of this forum and sheer guts to want to get my life back. So keep you eye on the prize. I felt horrible with the fatigue, yet I could not sleep..., but I just kept going and replaced my intense will to get pills with intense will to get clean. It is a mind set where you need to get angry with the WD's like you used to get angry when you could not get a refill or a script. It does work, I am living proof of that. All my best.................CA
Wow CA....I don't know how you went to work going through withdraw!!! That just amazes me. The first time I went through it all I could do is curl up in a ball and cry. That was when I was on Roxy's and Oxy"s.I went crazy! I really don't know how you did it. You must be extremely strong willed! Looking on the positive side of things, this time of withdraw hasn't even been half as bad as the first and second times. During this last relapse I didn't use Roxy's and I'm guessing that is why. I can try to do cardio but I feel so completely drained. I do have a question for anyone who knows the answer...Even though I first got hooked on pain medication because of an injury....I continued to take them and then abuse them. I've read that it is because it blocks feelings that you don't want to deal with. I have had some hard times in my life. 1) My parents got divorced when I was a year old and my siblings and I got stuck in the middle of a nasty,"Your father...." and "Your mother....". I'm 28 now and they are still at it! 2) I was in an extremely abusive relationship that I got out of three years ago but still suffer the side effects from. 3) I had a pretty rocky childhood that I have blocked a majority of from my memory. My question is if I can't remember or pinpoint why I continue to abuse drugs, how am I going to deal with it so I can move on? I start counseling soon but I have been in and out of counseling my whole life and it's never helped. I am still going to give it a chance though. I feel like if I don't deal with the problems from my childhood and abusive relationship then I will continue to relapse.
Like you, I started taking pills because of an injury.... But then one led to two for pain, and the whole, well I have a head ache so I can take the meds for that too and then, man what a bad day, this will help..... So i understand that. As far as blocking things out with pills.... Very common, think about it, all pills do is dull "the pain", whatever the "pain is at the time... But and here is the good part, when we are on pills for so long, our paradigm changes (routine), we forget how to live, so sometimes when we once again alter our routine to a healthy one, that in and of itself gets the ball rolling in a positive way. So, while uncovering and dealing with issues with life is huge, and helpful in recovery, getting clean and putting in place the foundation of a healthy routine helps too. I had many issues to deal with and when I was on pills or clean for a week in between refills, my mind was never real clear, so dealing with anything was a challenge. Here is a good analogy; when we are using we always look for a reason to use, to take that pill. With me, it seemed as though I was Mr Crisis. I hurt, so i needed to go to the ER, I hurt so i needed a pill, I had a bad day so I needed a pill, i had a Docs appointment, because of this or that... (See what I mean) there was always something.... Now imagine if that was gone for an extended period of time. A time where you are better able to deal with life on life's terms. This is what being clean does for you, which in turn allows you to tacke some of those real issues you spoke of. I hope this gives you the hope you need to keep going. IT DOES GET BETTER.... That I can promise you. WE all have to learn how to live again, because our use forced us to morph into this being that lies, cheats, steals, becomes "sick" all the time, goes from being dependable to being downright sad. You just have to dig deep and remember the time when you were not tied to a pill, and do what you need to do is get there. We can guide you Un, so that in the future you can deal with life and then call yourself UNwavering and strong instead of UNhappy...............CA
Dear unhappy. Most of us have had unhappy childhoods for one reason or another. I myself cannot remember most of my younger years and what I do remember is not pleasant. I did get caught up in drinking in my 20's but stopped when I realized it was what made my childhood so unhappy. I strive to not do what has been done to me or have seen family members do. I am not perfect at all, have dabled with smoke/coke in my younger years. Just didn't want to be like "them". It is what keeps me straight after all these years. Looking at things differently sometimes helps. Hope this did for you.
CA...You explain it so perfectly. I feel almost like I could be your twin...if that makes any sense. I don't know. Maybe it's that way with a lot of addicts. The major problem with me is that I have suffered from depression for more than 8 years, so when I come off of the pills it seems the depression gets so much worse....which should give me motivation not to get back on them. I've tried many different anti depression medications that don't do me any good. I think that I have used pain medication as a way of sort of treating my depression, so I am hoping that this counseling will finally help me deal with what exactly is making me so sad. In a way the pills also make me feel more sociable. I worked in healthcare and had to deal with grieving families every day. I've decided to give that career up because it became too emotionally draining. I guess it comes down to my self esteem. Pills make me feel more comfortable around people. I've got to learn how to be comfortable around people without them now. You bring up some good points. Thank you.
Kathleen....although I was raised in a broken home with a verbally abusive mother, I wasn't raised around alcohol or drugs. I still strive not to be like my mother though. Her words hurt me more than any whooping ever could. I hate to even think about how she treated my brother though. He took most of the heat, but when he was 12 she sent him to go live with my father and I was the next in line. i just need to find the right therapist to help me work through my anger and put it all behind me. Thanks for the reply.
Hey UN, I hope today finds you a little better than yesterday. The pills and social behavior..... Yeah, that too is a double edge sword. I remember taking them at first (at first meaning in the begining and then later on everytime I got a refill or a new script) I would have the energy to move mountains or talk to people I would never think to start a conversation with... You know the life of the party, the icebreaker in any situation where ice needed to be broke... But here is the thing, as time went on and my only friend were the pills, I actually pulled back from people and situations. My studies went downhill and I would just want to try to recapture that "first pill feeling". What happened was I was always chasing that feeling and it was a spiral that caused depression and feelings of utter helplessness. That is why I feel once you clear your mind and body and sould of these pills you WILL be better equipped to deal with the issues at hand. That is why this site is a lifesaver as well. When "we" are going through the different phases of recovery, sometimes not understanding what or where we are in our process causes slip ups too. So, if "we" understand what is coming we can deal with it better... Get It? Addiction is about being honest with the most important person you can be honest with... yourself....That is a big part of the battle. In the height of my addiction, honestly was non-exsistant, not because I wanted to be a liar, but because the pills put me in a position to become dependant of getting them. Therefore, I became a chameleon who would say whatever I needed to say to get them... Lying was a part of that. Collateral damage of job loss, bad grades, loss of family, loss of material things, trust .......etc Those are apart of our illness, but again as time goes by, YOU WILL get those things back, you will earn trust back because people will SEE your progress, not by what you tell them, but what they see. I believe in you UN, as bad as things may seem, I bet there is a good person in there that WILL come back, I say that because I know I was a good person and I went away for a long time (thanks to addiction), but I came back and slowly that good person is coming back. IT is a fight that although sometimes it feels daunting, is 100 percent worth it, so keep posting and lets work together to get YOU back... All my Best ...............CA