Hey Matt,
I can definitely relate to your struggle. I was a heavy opiate user for 10 years. Now I have been off the opiates for 7 months and it has been one hell of a trip. I went through Detox about 3 years ago and stayed clean for almost three months and went back to hitting it hard. This time through Detox it almost killed me. I had died 3 times from overdoses and just a little over 7 months ago I was given two weeks to live by my doctors. Man I was taking a lot of prescribed opiates...a lot.
Well, I understand the cravings and the causes of relapse. I am going through some personal struggles right now and I almost used the other night because I was feeling really depressed. But my faith in God got me through it. For me God has always been there for me in my darkest hours. I didn't call my sponser, mother, girlfriend, support group, pshchiatrist, or doctor. Rather, I fell on my knees and prayed for strength and to show me how to overcome my weaknesses. I reflected for hours and realized what would happen if I went back down that road. The feelings I had when I was on that junk came flooding in like a river out of control, running over its banks. That was real pain...imprisoned by yellow, blue, green, white pills and syringes that tore into my veins and left me hollow. If I went back to that life I would surely die...leave my daughter without a father (her da da). Shame came over me like a warm blanket on a cold night. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw a person that I somewhat liked. Seven months earlier I couldn't even face my reflection. I looked at pictures of myself when I was using and right after I got out of Detox. It frightened me to see this empty shell of a person. Death is what I saw. So I put down the needle and the
morphine in my hand and went to the scripture that night and my girlfriend and I read and prayed together. In Matthew 18: 19-20 there is a verse that states,"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, (R)it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.
20"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, (S)I am there in their midst."
Jesus gave me a peace at that moment. My girlfriend and I weren't out at the bar drinking and acting like fools, but rather we were together supporting one another in our time of need and God was right there with us. I am not saying that you have to believe in my faith...just sharing my experience. Presently, I am feeling a deep conviction for my actions. I feel depressed, but it is ok because I know God is working on me.
I feel like a child and have surrendered to His will. In Matthew 18: 1-4 it states
1(A)At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, "(B)Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
2And He called a child to Himself and set him before them,
3and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and (C)become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.
4"Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
I asked God to reveal to me my faults and again I was humbled. Lately, I was focusing so much on myself that I missed the beautiful things that God had set before me. It is not easy, but this works for me. I am turning to my faith Matthew 17: 20And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, (O)if you have faith the size of (P)a mustard seed, you will say to (Q)this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and (R)nothing will be impossible to you.
So I am getting back to my roots...the rock, my foundation. The weight of this world has become too much for me so I turn to my God who promises in Matthew11: 28"(AM)Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
29"Take My yoke upon you and (AN)learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and (AO)YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.
30"For (AP)My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
I realized that night that it is not enough to just stop using, but there has to be a change of heart, action and mind. This I knew all along, but I wanted to do things my way and evidently that has not worked out very well for me. All things are possible with God. My girlfriend and I are living proof. Key word "Living". I should not be alive, but God has a purpose for all of us. Right when you think you have beaten your addiction is when you are most vulnerable. God Bless you.
13 days, clean. Fighting the urge to relapse. 
Linear Mode
