[alyson10]

Hello everyone,

My name is Alyson and i am 16 (almost 17) years old. I live with my mother and my stepfather in new jersey because my parents are divorced and she now has full custody of me, since my father has moved to Arkansas. So basically thats the setup, now heres the problem

I, lately, have been having some really awful thoughts, mostly of killing myself or of ways i could die or ways to die...for example...today i was playing Frisbee with a friend of mine in the street in front of my house and every time that a car would go past us (causing us to move off the road) i would think of jumping in front of it and hoping to die, or what would happen if i did, or who would care....is this normal? Now you have to understand that these thoughts are constant, when i am in a car i think about jumping out of it while its moving, or how could i crash and how would the car in front of me have to swerve in order for me to be in an accident, causing me to go to the hospital and seeing who would come to visit me and who really does care about me. But the worst part is that i actually want it to happen so people feel bad for me, or so they care. In my eyes that is disgraceful and i am always beating myself up about it. Is this wrong? Or normal? I know that NO ONE is "normal" but is this something that most people go through or is this extreme?

I also have a stepmother who i talked to tonight for a long time about this and she suggested that i talk to my therapist about it and see what she thinks i should do. I agree. But then i talked to my best friend and she is totally against taking something. She says that everybody goes through this, and has these, thoughts and that i need to just chill and work through it.

I am seriously lost and i don't have a clue what to think or do. I want to be on something if it will help, but i am afraid of becoming dependent on something or addicted to a drug. What do i do????


Thank you for reading and any and all post will be greatly appreciated!!!

Aly

[melinda7.5]

Hi allison
OK here is my take on this sometimes the brain goes off on it's own...
and we have to pull it back...when you brain tells you that stuff,just tell it there you go again causing me trouble and then just let it go...It is just a thought let it go in one ear and out the other,and don't pay much attention after that...it's a little bit of what you call ocd...that is all ...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[alyson10]

thank you very much for replying, but there's another thing...i have taken these thoughts and ran with them. Im an ex-cutter, if thats what you would call it. Im worried that these thoughts of doing worse things will not remain just thoughts.

[melinda7.5]

do you really want to hurt yourself or do you just need some help

[alyson10]

i dont want to hurt myself but im afraid of these thoughts hurting me. If you think that im on here for people to feel sorry for me, let me inform you that i am not. i am on here to get some help.

[melinda7.5]

I want to help you I understand what you are going thru...I was trying to find a book that I have that explains it better than i can say it...
I will find it and read that part to you and you will understand what I'm talking about...
I really am trying to help..
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[alyson10]

im sorry for getting angry, it just seems like everyone thinks this is no big deal...and to me its huge...im scared of what i will do. Thank you for helping i really do appreciate it!

[kathleen5hockey]

Originally Posted by alyson10

Hello everyone,

who would care....is this normal? See who would come to visit me and who really does care about me. o people feel
Aly

The key to your question lies in you wondering who would care. I have felt that way also. Just remember that many people love and care for you. You have 2 families and friends. Keep writing.

[mellie55]

Alyson, This is not normal. I am 55 years old and worried about my daughter when she was your age for cutting as well. I could not understand it, but now she is married and doesn't do it anymore. Anyway you need to have more confidence in yourself! I don't know if you are haveing pier pressure problems at school or problems at home. You should try and seek professional help if you or your parent can afford it. If you are still in school try going to the counselor and she can possibly give you a list of low cost psychiatrists to go to. Do not think you are crazy for needing to see one as we all have our difficulties in life. I don't want you to get hurt and you should know God loves each and every one of us and you are meant to be alive for a reason. Some day you will find out what that is but most of all pray.

[concernedone7]

I completely know how you feel. I have the same thoughts (almost daily). I was put on Lexapro and honestly it didn't help at all. I think it helps when I talk it out with my therapist, but the thoughts don't always go away. You need to find these that make you happy and do them. Yoga really helps also. Good luck and if you need anything or someone to talk to let me know.

[chiawana]

I think you definitely need to talk to your therapist about this. There are drugs that can help you get through this period in your life, no matter what your friend says. You do not have to tell her that you are taking anything; it's no one's business but yours. Have you really, seriously talked to your parents about your feelings? If they are pooh-poohing what you're saying it's only because they don't want to believe that you are really this unhappy, because that reflects on them. They have to get past their own feelings and worry about YOU, you are the one that matters right now. If they will not help you, then please talk to your therapist and explain all this. Ask if there is a drug that can help you. That is what these drugs are for, why should you suffer when help may be so simple? Please talk to him/her.