For me it was the delusion that I could handle it, take pills in a limited way that I could control, and just have loads of fun doing it.

My biggest relapse came at a time when I had just been handed a load of work to do, and I knew that I could be productive when I was high (that's not true anymore, but that's another story). So yeah, start using again, be really happy, get a ton of work done, make lots of money. I think I actually thought I could handle it at that time. Now I know I can't and never could and never will. But I've relapsed many times telling myself the same story...even when I knew in my heart it wasn't true. The addiction is a powerful pull.