[confused1234]

Hey guys, I wasn't positive if this was in the right forum, and i'm a new member. To start i'll say that i found this website yesterday, and read a few topics..I decided to join and browse around. Tomorrow (friday) i have an appointment with a psychiatrist, because my therapist decided that i should be evaluated for an anti-depressant, which i think i'll get from what i was explained...

I'm not someone whose "looking to score drugs" or anything, because i feel like my condition is pretty real. I'm not sure where i should start, except that i fell in love three years ago with the girl of my dreams...but for the past two years, i have been more than unhappy. I had periods of time beign depressed over these past two years, but it has been pretty constant for a year and a half or more. We dated for 3 years, but she cheated on me, broke my heart..i stayed with her, and she left me a month and a half ago.

I know i'm rambling, please bear with me. This wasn't what made me depressed, i have always had feelings like this, i just couldn't explain them. I started going to therapy around six months ago, for anxiety-related issues( constant anxiety, attacks that left me TERRIFIED, waking up terrified, etc. etc). I have always had these feelings of depression, often thinking of suicide, all though i would never do it, because of my family. I cry everyday, all day long, really. I am afraid of what my doctor will ask me, because i don't know how much longer i can do this.

For example; I came home today at around 2:30. I immediatly started crying my eyes out, after crying multiple times throughout the day. I decided i should try to work out, after having what i call a "breakdown". I have these so-called "breakdowns" everyday, where i just lay there, with no energy to move crying as hard as i possibly can thinking the worst. I have no motivation throughout the day, and everything i see makes me sadder than i have ever been in my entire life. I than went downstairs, lifted some weights, while still crying..i went out for a 10 minute jog, and came home. While i was jogging, all i can think about is how much i hate everything, and how nothing i really do makes me happy. My mood throughout the day is either no mood at all, or terribly sad. The ONLY reason i ran and lifted some weights is because i hate myself in every way possible. i hate how i look, and i hate how i feel ugly/fat all the time. (i'm 145 lbs ish, 5"7 and a half, which is embarrassing). I have no happiness in my life, even when im around family, and "friends" who i no longer see outside of school.

I feel as if time takes forever, every minute seems like an hour, and i can no longer focus on anything. Over these past 2 years my grades have been pretty good, but are now starting to decline. I'm afriad of what im going to do, I always feel lonely and depressed. I hate saying that i feel "depressed" because it makes it sound fake, which i'm not meaning. I have a "tight" stomach almost all day long, and my anxiety still bothers me. My sleeping has gotten worse, and the sadness only gets more intense every day. This isn't just because of the girl, because i was feeling this way even while i was with her. I'm just depressed all the time, and can't handle this.

I greatly apologize for rambling, and talking so much, but i was just on another forum, browsing, and they all seemed really mean, and uncaring. I came here for reassurance and what to expect tomorrow, and to see if i am actually depressed, or just being a coward/baby. I personally believe i'm depressed, i just hate saying it like that, because it seems too over-used. I awlays wanted to talk to my therapist about being depressed, until i could no longer take it and he thought i needed medication. I have wanted medication, for a long time, not to be dependant on a drug, but to have it help me, because i cannot help myself. I have tried everything, nothing i do makes me happy. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, i just want to sleep forever. EVERY single morning i wake up feeling terrible, crying withen the first 10 minutes of waking. I hope i am prescribed some medication, not to get high or be on drugs, but to help me, because i feel like i have nothing. All day long i am in tears and it's embarrassing, and i feel so pathetic.

This is only the surface of how i feel on the inside, my "depression" is so unexplainable, all i can say is it happens all day long, never going away. I have nightmares, and wake up a few times a night, and cry throughout the day. it's beyond sadness, and it's constant...Do you think i'm just being a baby and can't handle the pressures of life? What's wrong with me? Will i be helped? What should i expect tomorrow at the psychiatrist appointment? I'm male by the way. Sorry for typing such a long,redundant message. Thanks for everything guys.

Edit: i hope this belongs in the right forum, because it's mainly about my appointment tomorrow, and the use of an anti-depressant. Sorry for talking so much about my case.

[Psyched]

Confused,
First off, welcome to the forum. I just want to tell you that if these are truly your feelings, then you have no need to apologize for them. I don't think anyone here would sit in judgment of what you've just revealed. I want to encourage you to be as painfully open with your psychiatrist tomorrow though because that is the ONLY way he/she can truly help you. Make sure you let him/her know what your hopes are for an outcome and tell him/her everything you can think of. If you start with a clear, open channel of communication, I think you'll have very good results. Also, don't be afraid to reveal your fears or concerns to him/her either. Simple be honest and, if you don't understand something, ask questions. Good luck with your visit and I hope you will be able to find some peace of mind. Oh yes, don't think that you're going to be magically cured with just one session either...that would be an unrealistic expectation (although lots of people of have it). Just continue with each visit and always come prepared to discuss what's changed (for better or worse) since the last time you talked. Again, good luck and welcome to the forum.

[sithie]

I want to say I feel as if I understand your feeling to an extent. I had alot of the same symptoms, and was put on an antidepressant which has helped greatly. I think you will find relief in you Doctors visit tomorrow, it will not be imediant but it will hppen. You are taking a step in the right direction. I know it is hard, and I will be thinking of you.

Sithie

[confused1234]

You guys don't know how much i appreciate your positive feedback. I guess i apologize, because everyone who i thought cared really didn't. I suppose it just comes with the territory, I'm not sure. It's kind of how i am.. I really hope this helps, because at this point, im at my apathetic stage. It's kinda sad how i have little names for each way i feel, i guess because i feel them so often. I have a bad headache though, from all the crying and tension from grinding my teeth before.

I was thinking of kind of recording how i feel when over the rest of tonight and tomorrow, especially during the "breakdown" moments, to show my psychiatrist tomorrow, even though it's my first visit. I would be pretty embarrassed, because in retrospect i'm sure all of what i've said sounds pretty dumb, and it would be the same way tomorrow. I also realized that he would probably think "oh hes writing this stuff down so that he can get some meds", like i went somewhere and got the "right things to say" or something for drugs, all though i don't think anti-depressants are of much recreation, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Plus it would be kind of awkward giving some guy i've never met a note of "crazy" thoughts. Bad idea?

As sad as it may sound, it feels pretty good being accepted, instead of how i normally feel like how i have eighteen heads, just from being around some people. Thanks for everything guys, i really appreciate it.

Edit: So, i just re-read my original post. I just wanted to add that it's really tough doing all of this..I often feel like i cannot stand it, and i'm almost giving up on everything in my life, and at this point I'm just a "body". i can't explain it any other way, but it really kills me. I can't even come close to how bad it's really hurting me and how sad i really am..i'm sure some of you understand.

[MaisieC]

Hi confused,

Welcome to the forum. As a sufferer of chronic depression myself, I have to say that what you're describing sounds familiar to me. I believe you are depressed. Please try to realize that there is nothing at all to be ashamed of. Depression is often caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it often runs in families. I was suicidal when I went to see my doctor for the first time, was put on anti-depressants, and got great relief from them. My family didn't all understand, but those who had suffered depression and gotten treatment sure did! The opinions of the others really don't matter to me.

I think it's a great idea to write down some notes for your doctor, especially if you think you might be reluctant to talk about things.

I'll tell you how they usually evaluate patients for depression. There's a diagnostic code called the DSM IV that lists a set of several symptoms of depression. If you've had I think 4 of 9 for two weeks or longer, you fit the diagnosis. You can read about it at this link:

http://depression.about.com/cs/diagnosis/a/mdd.htm

And you might want to Google around about it to understand how the diagnosis is made.

I wouldn't worry about being labeled a drug-seeker. The SSRIs are not addictive and people don't get high on them, so there would be no reason for someone to go fishing around for them. Some anti-anxiety medications are highly addictive and often abused (the benzos, I mean), but the SSRIs are not going to make you euphoric.

Good luck with the doctor and please let us know how it goes.

Maisie

[melinda7.5]

Hi confused
these are some tricks I use when I'm having a hard time with things...They might sound crazy but they really do work...
They are called visualization technique's...
it works like this...you look into the future and see how you want to be...
set up goals for your self and daydream about how you can make them come true...see yourself winning the lotto...just try and be sad when your thinking about getting all that money...or maybe you want to loose weight so you see yourself skinny or running a marathon...see yourself laughing and going to the gym...
when I'm stuck at work I put on my favorite song on my I- pod and see myself running on the track...what ever it is that makes you happy just try to think about that...see your self getting on the deans list at school...think about how good that would feel...dont listen to the bad thoughts just tell them to be quiet...and say I want to listen to the good thoughts...
these little tricks help change the chemicals in your brain with no drugs at all.
I'm not saying not to get on A/D...but every little thing can help...
wish you happiness...
Melinda

[magsj]

Originally Posted by confused1234

You guys don't know how much i appreciate your positive feedback. I guess i apologize, because everyone who i thought cared really didn't. I suppose it just comes with the territory, I'm not sure. It's kind of how i am.. I really hope this helps, because at this point, im at my apathetic stage. It's kinda sad how i have little names for each way i feel, i guess because i feel them so often. I have a bad headache though, from all the crying and tension from grinding my teeth before.

I was thinking of kind of recording how i feel when over the rest of tonight and tomorrow, especially during the "breakdown" moments, to show my psychiatrist tomorrow, even though it's my first visit. I would be pretty embarrassed, because in retrospect i'm sure all of what i've said sounds pretty dumb, and it would be the same way tomorrow. I also realized that he would probably think "oh hes writing this stuff down so that he can get some meds", like i went somewhere and got the "right things to say" or something for drugs, all though i don't think anti-depressants are of much recreation, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Plus it would be kind of awkward giving some guy i've never met a note of "crazy" thoughts. Bad idea?

As sad as it may sound, it feels pretty good being accepted, instead of how i normally feel like how i have eighteen heads, just from being around some people. Thanks for everything guys, i really appreciate it.

Edit: So, i just re-read my original post. I just wanted to add that it's really tough doing all of this..I often feel like i cannot stand it, and i'm almost giving up on everything in my life, and at this point I'm just a "body". i can't explain it any other way, but it really kills me. I can't even come close to how bad it's really hurting me and how sad i really am..i'm sure some of you understand.

Hi Confused-

I have lived with depression for 14 years and I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, believe me. In fact, I am currently in a "downslide".....Just when I think that maybe things are or will get better and I start thinking "maybe the depression is getting better".....things start to deteriorate again, I am sooo tired of the rollercoaster, sometimes I just want off!

I think you have probably seen the pyschiatrist by now, but my suggestion would have been to print off your first couple posts and have the doctor read it! Sometimes putting thing in writing brings more clairty than trying to explain it verbally. Don't worry about how it is written, spelling, grammer, etc. What you wrote is from your gut, I believe this information will help him/her greatly.

Keep in touch. Let us know how things went. Look up the word "anhedonia" if you don't already know what it means, I bet you will be able to relate. Depression is a horrible disease. Do not be ashamed to talk about it. Addiction aside, I believe it is one of the hardest diseases to live with: some not to live; believe me, I am no stranger to those very dark thoughts.

I am thinking of you. Please let us/me know how your visit was.

Hang in there, with the proper help chances are you are going to feel much better.

Hugs,
mags

[Psyched]

Confused,
Hi again. Believe it or not, the doctor would probably be interested in seeing what you write down. Besides, writing is actually therapeutic in that it gives voice nad validity to what you are feeling while at the same time freeing the mind and body from the very emotions you have bottled up. I say, take pen in hand a write away, if for nothing else other than freeing yourself for the moment. Good luck with the visit today and I hope you will keep us posted since it should be obvious now that you have folks interested in your well-being. Take care

[confused1234]

Wow you guys, it's nice to know this was such an interest. It seems nobody i know or care about feels that way, except my mom. I didn't get a chance to check my computer to see what you guys had said about giving him notes, all though i wish i had. I'm glad with the outcome though. He was a very nice man, very calm..anyway, i was prescribed lexapro. He said take 5mg for a week, than start on 10mg and see how everything goes from there..I really hope this works out well. I took my first dose about half an hour ago. He also prescribed Trazodone, for sleep-related troubles. I don't want to say i'm glad some of you relate, because i would never wish this upon anyone, but it is deffinitely reassuring, because i feel terribly lonely all the time.

Thank you all for your support. I don't want this thing to kick my ass any longer..i hope i find a good medicine that fits me first try, all though i'm not sure my luck is that good. We will see, and i'll keep everybody updated.

From now on i decided, i will keep a journal to write in, and i hope i stay with it.

Thanks again, everybody. I apologize for the mediocrity in my typing of this(grammar wise).

[Psyched]

Uh, Confused...
You're NOT all alone anymore! Holler when you need an ear or several to lean on! Good luck!