[layla1282]

Hello all,

My name is Jennifer, and I don't usually blog or post on forums, but I am so desperate to know that I am not alone in this that I have made an exception.

I have been taking Lexapro for four years now, beginning almost immediately after the FDA approved it. I am two weeks away from my 24th birthday.

I began taking the medication during my junior year of college. I was so strung out, I couldn't take it anymore. "Strung out" is my own phrase for describing how I used to be. That year in college was a very difficult one, as I went through a lot of personal and academic stress.

I was crying constantly, and even the tiniest stressors were amplified to the 100th degree. I began to see the college counseling service, and I was so fortunate to find a helpful counselor. We explored a lot of things, including where I derived my personal identity from. One of the major issues I had was that I linked my personal worth to my academic success. If I did poorly on a paper, it was because I wasn't a smart and capable and good enough person.

Finally, my doctor prescribed 10mg of Lexapro to me. The first two weeks were rough, mostly because it made me exhausted. Once the medication sank in, I saw such a huge change in me. I was able to put my life into perspective. I was able to think rationally and clearly about things, free from the brick wall that I kept headbutting whenever I tried to tell myself, "These thoughts are irrational. Stop them." I found new activities that I was good at besides school. I no longer valued my net worth in accordance with my grades, and stopped comparing myself with other people. I decided that I would challenge myself in all areas of my life. I was accepted to an internship abroad program in London. I fell in love with the UK, moved back for a short period of time on my own, and now seek to make it my permanent home. I discovered along the way that I want to teach history, and am back in school working towards my certification.

So...what's the problem? This sounds like a happy ending. Well, four years later, I wonder how much of this is the medicine, and how much of this is me. When I first went on the medication, I asked my doctor how long I would have to be on this. He said he didn't know. It could be a few months or forever. I have long considered Lexapro to be my lifesaver, as it has brought me a clarity and chased away the thundercloud that has been inside my head since I was twelve years old.

For the past eight months or so, though, I have begun to wonder what life without Lexapro would be like. I have wondered if I can discipline myself and control my thoughts on my own. I have grown personally in so many ways that cannot be solely attributed to the medication. I want to know if I can use coping skills to master my thoughts when I feel like flying off the handle and say, "Ok, this thought doesn't make sense. That is not reality." My good friend, who I am dating, would like me to try living without it. He would like me to learn meditation as a way of mastering my mind. He has, by the way, mild schizophrenia. He doesn't have split personalities; that is a severe form and is actually technically something else, but he often sees and hears things that aren't real. He has been prescribed medication, but he doesn't take it, because he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. Instead, he daily disciplines himself to recognize when something isn't real, and acts accordingly. He actually sees his condition as positive in some ways - he is a writer, and it helps his creativity immensely. I mention him because he is someone I trust who can understand living with a mental condition.

I should mention here that, until two weeks ago, I was taking 30mg of the medicine daily. I started at 10, was moved up to 20 about two years ago, and then, about eight months ago, was moved up to 30. My doctor assured me that 30 was a low dose and not to worry.

The thing is, I do worry. I keep getting bumped up because I have noticed the lower dosages aren't working. And what bothers me is that when I do see my doctor for other visits, he asks how I am doing with it. I say fine, and he says, great, keep taking it. Well, do I ever stop? I thought this was supposed to be temporary. But in four years, my dosages have tripled. I don't want to be dependent on this drug. But I feel as if I have no choice - either take it, or go back to the way I used to be.

So, two weeks ago, I decided to take matters into my own hands and tapered off. Everything was fine until four days ago.

On Sunday, I began to get my old feeling of getting super-emotional and wanting to inappropriately cry. I was with my friend, and he said, okay, just say, "This is not worth crying over," and stop. I couldn't, though. I felt so helpless. I said to myself, okay, if this is the worst of it, then I can handle it. But it isn't.

I feel lightweight and dizzy. My teeth itch. My skin tingles. I am crying and I cannot stop. I am explosive. Small things that used to irritate me but I brushed off are now infuriating me. I am talking like crazy - I call it verbal vomiting. I am slurring my words. I am shaking. I have night sweats. I now have an idea of what heroin addicts experience. And the worst part is that I cannot control it. I cannot self-discipline the way that I want to.

Is this the detox me, or is this the real me off of the Lexapro? I am terrified that this is the real, honest to God person that I was before, and the person that I will be. I am so afraid there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I didn't like who I was before the Lexapro, and I pray that I will not be the same person after I detox. But what scares me the most is that the detox me - the desperate person writing this - is the real me. This unknown is seriously upsetting me, and it is compounded by the fact that the more I read, the more I see of the less everyone really knows about this drug. I am so torn about this.

Thank you for listening. I hope to God that I can be the person I know I am without the Lexapro.