[dmmt]

I am addicted to pain pills.

Now, I said it.

I'm a 35 yearold mom of two wonderful girls. I live an upper middle class life, and I never would have thought I would come to this point.

My addiction started about 5 years ago, but I have no idea when it took over my life. I have back problems and genuinely needed help. I had reached a point where I couldn't function. Cortisone shots and Vioxx weren't working for me- I was unable to work or even enjoy my life.

Enter Darvocet. It started simple enough. Three pills a day, one every 6 hours. Then one day I started taking two every 6 hours, then three every four hours... and so on. Now I can't function without them. Iscared to run out, and have even started taking stronger drugs like Tylox to get a buzz. My regular three darvocet only make me feel normal now- not ephoric like before.

I want to post more, but right now I'm crying to hard. This is the first time I have ever, ever spoken about this or even admitted it to myself.

[cluelessNJ]

I'm glad you did! This is a great place to come and there are alot of very caring people that are going thru the same thing or have gone thru it! I know your emotions must be crazy right now but you made the first step in just realizing that there is a problem! Thats great! Does your family or just your husband know? Does anyone know? Are you willing to talk to you Dr?

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dmmt]

No one knows, at all. Everyone thinks I am taking them right, but truth is I love taking my pills. I even dream about them at night. Isn't that sick?

I feel like I can't do anything without them.

[cluelessNJ]

You are prescribed them? The doctor doesn't notice that you need refills more and more frequently? Or are you getting them else where?

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dmmt]

They're prescribed. And I manage to have enough to last till my refill. I'm afraid that wont last forever, and I have thought about ordering them on the net. Thats how I found this message board, and when i started reading I realized that I have a dependancy issue here.

I am terrified right now. Reading all the stories about people coming off of pills and how aweful it is.

[cluelessNJ]

I would honestly take the time to read the painkiller thread right under this one from start to finish! I mean it START TO FINISH! It was my eye opening moment that wow here are all these people going thru life the same way I am and all we all want is to be clean! We can all sit there and make excuses of why we needed them and how they helped us but that normal! Think of all the lies and the manipulation! That alone made me want to be clean! My addiction is evil[}]! I will be thinking of you today!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[mpvt]

Hi DMMT: You've made a big step by admitting your addicted.There is no reason for you to be embarassed by your addiction.What you need to do now is educate yourself.Propoxyphene(darvocet) is a weak synthetic opiate or is that opiod???oh well doesn't matter right now.It is still addicting and can cause siezures after you've been taking large amounts over time.This is something you haven't done yet but believe me you will get worse as time goes by.Addiction is very progressive and destructive.After you've read up on it then you have to decide what route your going to take to quit.You can try and wean down slowly but it's very difficult to do because if your feeling any withdrawls all you do is take more pills.Cold turkey is another way.You get yourself imodium and advil gel caps along with lots of water.It will feel like a really bad flu has hit you for about 5-7 days.After the 5-7 days you will physically feel better but then you have the mental addiction you need to be aware of.Personally after 5 years I would look into suboxone(buprenorphene),you can go to suboxone.com and there you will find lots of info on this drug.What it does is takes your withdrawls and cravings away allowing you to get on with your life.Once you've been stable for a period of time you can then start a slooooow taper.Suboxone is the way alot of people are going and it's having alot of success.Methadone would be to strong in your case and I wouldn't even look into it.I hope you choose to do one of these.There are people here all the time if you need to talk.Let us know how your doing.Good luck and hang in there your not alone....Dave

[dmmt]

I've been reading that thread- now I'm really scared. Theres so much I just plain didn't know.

Seizures? Good lord... I'm always so dizzy and I guess thats the pills, huh? I've tapered down to where I take 1 1/2 Darvocet N 100 every 5 hours. Thats better than the 3 I was taking.

[lordy]

Dear DMMT,
My heart goes out to you. I'm also a mom of two small kids, and upper-middle class, blah blah. But as we all know, pill-popping is an equally opportunity affliction. What I want to tell you is that you are not alone, you are not alone, you are not alone. There are only about 4 NA meetings in my area weekly, and I'm forever telling my husband that by the time our kids are grown, there will be as many NA meetings as AA meetings (which, by the way, I attend on an inconsistent basis. Though they're actually really great meetings! My first one, I ran into two other parents, and believe it or not, AA IS anonymous. We actually just laughed when we saw one another!)
My point is, I have also loved and abused opiates-- everything from Lortab online to poppy pods to Darvocet to Ultram. I have managed to sink pretty low, in my addiction, and it really did sneak up on me-- I couln't believe it when I finally looked up and realized I had a *problem.*
That was 13 days ago, and I have no opiates now and don't plan to use (ugh, and I hate even using the word, "use") again. I just can't. There is a part of me that hates saying that, and perhaps always will. But for now- just for today-- I will not take a pill. The really great thing is that, after a dreadful "flu" week (Advil, TV, reading-- particularly AA literature and addiction memoirs--; water, coffee, lots of aches and pains and just tears.) I felt better, and every day is better still! I mean, I've missed my old self. I'd been foggy and unproductive-- unthoughtful, anyway-- for so very long. I've thought, for years now, that I had to have a pill to get through practically anything, and now I see that it just wasn't true-- I've gotten through plenty these past and fragile two weeks, and none of it killed me. I keep trying to remind myself that other people suffer much more, everyday: they lose loved ones, or are ill, or unloved, or depressed. Yet they go on. We all have to do that.
What I have now is a lot of boredom, a lot of hours I'm trying to find new, better ways to fill. What is DON'T HAVE is: the shame, the fear of discovery, the misery of trying to get more opiates, the mental demons in the wee hours and the constant depression, the constant suspicion that somehow my life was "over." I am beginning to see that it was the pills that made me feel that way. They made me feel good for a short time, but just weren't worth the price; and in taking them, I let many other pleasurable things just...fall away. It is such a depressing thing, to live a life where all you care about is pills.
Because: well because, there will just never be enough.
Welcome to this forum. Oh, welcome to this forum. It's the one thing that's helped me survive, these past 13 days. Everyone here is just really, really wonderful!!!!
I don't think, though I'm not positive, that you need to worry about seizures (at least another person posting here, who takes 15 a day, called a doctor and was told he wouldn't experience seizures during withdrawal). Suboxone? Don't know. All I know is that suboxone would almost certainly just turn out to be another drug I liked too much...
Post again. You're safe here, and the feedback is invaluable.
Nicole

[cluelessNJ]

Everyone is different! I know that when I grew balls and called my dr (after 4 days of cold turkey) he gave me klonopin because of other medical issues I had already had! He feared I might have a seizure. That doesn't effect everyone though! Are you willing to call the dr and tell him?

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dmmt]

I don't think I can have the guts to call my doctor yet. But I did just callmy sister and talked to her. She's an rn. Amazingly enough, she already knew. She just started crying when I told her I was afraid I had a problem. Said she had known for a few years, and just didn't know how to say anything.

she's my best friend, and it felt so nice to be honest with her for once. I dont know how many times I've planned my days around how many pills I have in me. I cant imagine ever being able to clean house or keep things up withoit them.

[cluelessNJ]

That is awesome! HUGE step you took there. Now you have that one person that can be your support (besides this forum). That is seeking help! What did she say besides she knew? Did she have any advise for you? I know calling the dr is extremly hard! I am so proud of you for telling her! That is great!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[mpvt]

Take your time DMMT and remember you didn't become an addict overnight so don't expect to be better in a short time..Hang in there.....Dave

[cluelessNJ]

You have to really want to be clean in order for it to work! I am 13 days clean and honestly I still have to force myself to do some things! Like today walking my dog in the rain was killing me! I should want to walk my dog. I love her and I know she needs to go out but I was being selfish! Its all about your perception you have to believe in you mind that you can overcome this! Not saying it will be easy but the more positive you can be the better!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[lordy]

Yeah, June, you're right-- actually, and as I've said, I wished I HAD held onto my Xanax, to get me through withdrawal. It certainly would've helped!!
DMMT, oh my goodness, that was so brave to tell your sister. You have taken a very important step! I know what you mean about wondering how you'll do housework and stuff, w/o it-- and for a week, maybe two, you won't feel up to a whole lot. But you know what I did feel, almost immediately? Gratitude. Gratitude for my kids, for my husband, for simple things like morning coffee, just gratitude for trying to pull myself together. Every time you do something w/o the stuff in your system-- pump gas, drive to the post office, go to work, mop the floor-- it will be like flexing an emotional muscle. At least that's how it feels for me. Just like, "I can *do* this." As my husband pointed out, I went many years w/o opiates, and I was just fine. I had a lot of good times, some bad times...but I never fell over dead in my longing for an opiate. Y'know?
I hope you'll decide to pamper yourself, the next little while. You just need to get through the first part. And you will. Just make a commitment, and hold on. You survived childbirth, no? And you can survive this! And it will be brighter on the other side!!
Nicole

[dmmt]

She said the best thing was what I was doing, tapering off. But just like now, I'm cleaning closets. And truly, I want to take a few Tylox so I can get it done. Does that make sense? Why do I feel like I cant function without these friggin pills? I guess Ive known for a really long time that this was a problem, just until I started reading these posts I wouldnt admit it to myself.

[mpvt]

It's all part of the addiction,it's a very strong thing to have.When I was active nothing stood in my way of my morphine,I honestly would have killed if it meant getting my shet.It does tell you though that you have a problem and you need to address it.The sooner the better otherwise you'll end up talking yourself out of it.Believe me this disease will do anything to keep going......Dave

[cluelessNJ]

But now you know so now you have to choose. Is it your addiction or your sanity! Honesty, your going to drive yourself crazy thinking about it! As you start to taper more and more (since your family doesn't know) just start the flu excuse! I know its lying and thats not right either but unless you plan on telling them you can expect to have a few days of the flu where you won't want to function. Every day clean gets easier. I can promise you that! You start to feel alot better. You feel your real emotions that have been suppresses by [}] your addiction!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dmmt]

Its 8:30 at night and I havent had a pill since 9 this morning, when I only took 1 1/2.

This will be the first night in years I have gone to bed without one.

[cluelessNJ]

Thats great! I know you will be able to wean yourself down! That way withdrawl won't be so bad! I am really proud of you! You went all day! Thats awesome! Keep it up!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06