[mcaley114]

Hello all, I have been reading all the posts and am starting to feel better about what I have been going through. I have been on the Tramadol for about a year now. Ordered it on the internet, read about it, and thought it was good to use when needed for some pain I have. After using for only a week, I stopped and would fall asleep and feel extremely tired. So I would take just one pill and it would go away. So I have just been taking one pill a day since. I decided to stop last Thursday 3-26 and it has been living hell since. I found this forum and read, so I now know what has been happening. My family thinks I have the flu and I am embarrassed to say otherwise. I am starting to feel a little better, but when I sit up or move around things spin out of control. I have never been addicted to anything and have been really freaking out. Thanks for all the posts here.
I was wandering what the time limit has been for most to feel normal again.

[MaisieC]

Hi mcaley,

Wow, I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. Tramadol is a really powerful drug, and the fact that you're feeling so sick coming off just one pill a day is a testament to that. You're absolutely doing the right thing. Hang in there, and you'll be fine.

So your last pill was last Thursday? Today might well be your worst day, or perhaps tomorrow. The first day or so tend to be somewhat easier, and most people say that day 4 or 5 is the worst. Make sure you're getting lots of fluids (try Gatorade if you're queasy; it really tastes gooooood when your body needs it!). If you're having twitching, get yourself some potassium either in the form of bananas or pills. Make sure you're taking your vitamins. You can use Benadryl for help sleeping. Overall just be really, really good to yourself and trust that you'll be feeling better soon.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing and what symptoms you have. We can help you.

Hang in there, and take good care.

[AquarianPath]

I'm here as a last resort. My husband thinks I'm just over reacting and i have a genuine need for Tramadol. three years ago, at age 25 I was diagnosed with cancer. I've gone through multiple surgeries and will go through more. In that time, I've been on Percocet, Darvocet, Vicodin, Morphine, and Dilaudid.

Tramadol is the only drug that I have ever been so addicted to I go through a bottle of 180 50mg pills in a couple of weeks. I'm up to about 10 a day. I have to have about 4 in the morning just to get me started. Then I take about 1 every two hours to keep the beginning effects of withdrawal symptoms. The cold sweats and the pains. Now, however, I have finally peaked at 11 today. My stomach is killing me and my head is spinning.

I have three little boys and take care of my baby son during the day. I'm so afraid to go off these things and end up hurting my son by dropping him or falling into a stupor....... my baby depends on me day in and day out. My husband is military so I'm afraid that if I come out and get help, what would this to do to his career?
He's supposed to deploy at the end of May. I have another surgery April 20.....I'm stuck, I can't keep taking these damn things. I know if I didn't have my son to care for, I know I can go off them. I've done it before.
But then I had another surgery and needed pain relief...thus, got hooked yet again.

I don't know what to do.

[AquarianPath]

Update:

Last night I woke my husband up and told him we had to talk and he needed to listen. I told him everything. Told him I want and need to get off these things. It's not me. I hate being on any kind of medication. Even anti-biotics!

He went to his First Shirt and we got a plan. I'll speak to my doctor and get some sort of tapering plan going. Today, I took 2 Tramadol at 8:30am and am forcing myself to wait until 12-12:30 to take my next pill. Yesterday I took 2 when I woke up at 7am. Took another one at 8am. another one at 9:30am.... so, I'm pushing to taper off and go longer between taking the pills.

let's hope I can do this. Wish me luck!

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by AquarianPath

Update:

Last night I woke my husband up and told him we had to talk and he needed to listen. I told him everything. Told him I want and need to get off these things. It's not me. I hate being on any kind of medication. Even anti-biotics!

He went to his First Shirt and we got a plan. I'll speak to my doctor and get some sort of tapering plan going. Today, I took 2 Tramadol at 8:30am and am forcing myself to wait until 12-12:30 to take my next pill. Yesterday I took 2 when I woke up at 7am. Took another one at 8am. another one at 9:30am.... so, I'm pushing to taper off and go longer between taking the pills.

let's hope I can do this. Wish me luck!

You're doing the right thing, and I'm really glad your husband is supportive. However, please take it easy on yourself. You have a lot on your plate, and you don't get extra points for suffering. Getting off trams too fast has caused seizures in some people, and I think you're going too fast. Take it easy, and you'll do really well. I highly recommend looking over the taper schedule here:

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/725


You can see the thinking behind it and adapt it for your own dosage level.

I totally, totally understand wanting to get off that horrible stuff FAST. But do be cautious and wise, and you'll have a better result in the long run. I don't think you need to force yourself and be as sick as you are. Lord knows, you have enough other things to deal with.

You might want to print out that schedule and take it with you when you go to the doctor. Not all doctors are very smart about detox, and lots of doctors still believe that tramadol is not addictive at all! That's what they're told, and some of them have to see it to believe it.

I will be praying for your success and your health. Please let us know what's happening, OK? Take good care.

[AquarianPath]

Thank you so much for the link. I copied and pasted it to my email. Looks like a good schedule to stick to. I will have to adjust the dosage amounts. Isn't 300mg = 6 50mg pills? I only take 2 when I wake up, then 2 more around 1 hour later. So that's 200mg in just a couple of hours.

I'll ask my doctor about it. I have a military doctor and I get my PCM changed pretty much every month. I hate it. I never get the good care that I really need for my situation.

I'll keep everyone posted. So far, my husband just wants me to taper off on my own and talk to my Plastic Surgeon. But my Plastic Surgeon isn't the one that handles these sorts of things.

I really don't know who to turn to. I feel pretty alone. My husband still won't try to get off his 12 hour shifts next week. I'm worried I'll run out of Tramadol and have all three of my children and my husband will be stuck on an airplane.

I'm not trying to rush off these things. I'll probably be on a different pain med after my surgery anyway. Which will probably help me get off Tramadol.

Sheeesh, I can't believe they tell people Tramadol isn't addictive. It's MORE so than any other narcotic I've been on! I took Percocet for months ... same with Darvocet NEVEr had any withdrawal effects from either!
Percocet helped with the pain, never felt addicted or anything. Then they switched me to Tramadol. :/

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by AquarianPath

Thank you so much for the link. I copied and pasted it to my email. Looks like a good schedule to stick to. I will have to adjust the dosage amounts. Isn't 300mg = 6 50mg pills? I only take 2 when I wake up, then 2 more around 1 hour later. So that's 200mg in just a couple of hours.

I'll ask my doctor about it. I have a military doctor and I get my PCM changed pretty much every month. I hate it. I never get the good care that I really need for my situation.

I'll keep everyone posted. So far, my husband just wants me to taper off on my own and talk to my Plastic Surgeon. But my Plastic Surgeon isn't the one that handles these sorts of things.

I really don't know who to turn to. I feel pretty alone. My husband still won't try to get off his 12 hour shifts next week. I'm worried I'll run out of Tramadol and have all three of my children and my husband will be stuck on an airplane.

I'm not trying to rush off these things. I'll probably be on a different pain med after my surgery anyway. Which will probably help me get off Tramadol.

Sheeesh, I can't believe they tell people Tramadol isn't addictive. It's MORE so than any other narcotic I've been on! I took Percocet for months ... same with Darvocet NEVEr had any withdrawal effects from either!
Percocet helped with the pain, never felt addicted or anything. Then they switched me to Tramadol. :/

Yes, you're right about that dosage amount. The plan was designed by someone at a pretty high dose, and it's useful to get a sense of how much you can taper at a time. You can adapt it to your own situation.

So I have a couple of questions for you. Do you need something for pain control right now? If you taper off the tramadol, are you going to be left high and dry with no pain relief? If so, I wonder if you should be talking to a doctor about transitioning you to another pain reliever while you're getting off the tramadol?

And you're worried about running out of pills when your husband is away. Are you running out between prescriptions? I don't really understand. You know how many pills you have, and you can decide how many you're going to be taking, so there shouldn't be any surprises there. Unless I'm misunderstanding your situation. Can you be sure that you will have enough pills on hand to taper at the rate you decide?

I'm trying to figure out what PCM is. Is that your primary care doctor? Are you saying that you're dealing with cancer but you never see the same doctor from one month to the next? That's horrible! Do you see a cancer specialist consistently? Who is the doctor who is prescribing the pain medication? I think that's the one you should consult about this.

If you can help me understand your situation a little better, I think I can give you better support. You're not alone. You can definitely get off this drug without too much discomfort if you're able to taper slowly, and we can help you get through that. But your medical issues and whatever pain control needs you have...that's not something that I'm qualified to comment on. I know there are other people on the board who have issues with ongoing pain, and I'm sure they can advise you.

Take care. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again.

[ainteasy]

Hello Maicie, you seem pretty knowledgeable about Tramadol. I haven't really been "ON" it consistantly but I "found out" how good it made me feel a few years back when a co-worker gave me a few. I was already hooked on vicodin at that point and usually got tramadols from this guy when I was out of vicodin. So when i'd take them, it would usually be for like 3 or 4 days.. taking like 5 or 6 a day, then I'd go back to vicodin or percocet, or whatever. Then, the next week... i'd get more tramadol and take them for another 3 days or so.. then go back to vicodin.. so really it was whatever I could get my hands on. Well, in the last 3 months, i've went thru about 100, 50mg trams that one of my other friends had.. he doesn't take them so he was just giving them to me whenever i'd call him up.. So the last few months, it still hasn't been everyday with the tram but it's been a LOT more consistent. I have felt withdrawal from Tramadol before.. I know what it's like..

Here is my big question.. How long can I expect this depression and hyperactive mind and racing thoughts (OCD thoughts) to last?? I already had OCD but it seems to be SOOOO much worse now that i'm off opiates.... If you are thinking OCD is just being a perfectionist, think again.. read up on TRUE OCD..the media portrays it incorrectly for the most part. It's a nightmare to begin with and can cauz extreme distress and hell.. now that it's worse (from not having opiates) i'm hoping it goes back to it's normal tolerable level afterwhile. The longest i've gone without tramadol and vicodin in the past 3 years was about 23 days and i was still feeling pretty depressed at the 23rd day so i started taking them again.. I assume I just need more time for my brain to return to normal? Before I was an addict, i was a regular happy guy.. no problems with depression at all really.. i just want it to go back to that.. you know? Will that ever happen? I know that tramadol effects seretonin levels as it acts as an SSRI right?

Well, anyway, TODAY is now day 5 of NOTHING.. i've quit the trams and the vike completely and never wanna go back.. I went thru the nightmare physical part already and am i'm giving this another shot hoping that if i make it past 30 days, i'll start to feel way better mentally. I'm not really hurting physically anymore but the mental is the worst part for me. Keep in mind, when I took pills, it was never THAT much.. maybe 9 or 10 vicodin (more if it were norco) or 6 tramadol in ONE day.. but for the most part, it was every day.. i had something in my system daily for 3 years.. with a few mild weekly breaks inbetween.

I just want to never take this stuff again.. not even ONE because i'll go back to taken them again.. I already told my friend about my addiction and he's agreed to never give me any again.. that's even making me depressed, knowing i can't call him and say "hey can i swing thru for a few goodies?" but i know it's for the better.

Can you PLEASE offer me some hope here? i'm dying everyday thinking whether I did permanent damage to my brain.. am i going to feel down in the dumps forever now cauz of tramadol and vicodin? or do I just need to give it longer than 23 days? Any info would be helpful.. THANK YOU!!

John

[MaisieC]

Hi John,

I'm sorry you're going through all this misery. I really do feel for you, believe me. The emotional part of the withdrawal from tramadol was always the worst part for me. The physical symptoms were no fun, but the emotional stuff was the worst. My diagnosis is major depression, and the withdrawal added to that...well, I know you understand.

And I also do understand the truth about OCD. I had a good friend who had a very severe case, and he really suffered from it. So you have my sympathy.

And that's where I'm gonna start...is with your OCD. Are you getting any treatment for it, besides self-medicating with opiates? You know I cannot tell you when you're going to feel OK again. When I finally got off, I was much better at Day 23, but not "normal." And I had an SSRI to help with my depression. I would really like to hear more about how you deal with the OCD. Because if it wasn't bearable before you started using, there's no reason to expect it's going to be any better now.

I seriously doubt you have done permanent damage to your brain. I think you can stop worrying about that. I hope that's a comfort. Your system is just temporarily messed up.

Yes, tramadol does act like an SSRI, so it makes sense that it was helping to control the OCD. My friend was given SSRIs to control his OCD, and they really helped.

So do you see a doctor for your OCD? Have you had any luck with SSRIs for that? I don't like to suggest jumping in and starting a new drug right away, but I really think you need to get an evaluation and treatment for the OCD now. It could help you make the transition into a more comfortable state of mind.

I totally started using opiates to deal with emotional issues. You're not alone. A good doctor will be able to understand your situation. Do you have one?

Don't give up! You will feel better! It's a really beastly drug, and you're doing great to be off it so far. Let's talk more about the OCD situation and see if we can find a way to make things a little easier for you.

Please take care. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

[AquarianPath]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

Yes, you're right about that dosage amount. The plan was designed by someone at a pretty high dose, and it's useful to get a sense of how much you can taper at a time. You can adapt it to your own situation.

So I have a couple of questions for you. Do you need something for pain control right now? If you taper off the tramadol, are you going to be left high and dry with no pain relief? If so, I wonder if you should be talking to a doctor about transitioning you to another pain reliever while you're getting off the tramadol?
----------------
I have tried getting pain relief from my doctors on base. However, my PCM (Primary Care Manager) changes a lot due to military doctors getting deployed, changing duty stations, et. So, when I need a prescription filled, I have to go in and re- explain my situation and my pain. Finally, a ********ty doctor accused me of drug seeking. This was when I was not addicted to anything but had a severe infection in my incision area. Then he refused to fill pain medication and told me to go to my Plastic Surgeon for my pain relief.

We live on Dover, AFB in Delaware. My plastic Surgeon and cancer doctors are at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore MD. Most pain relief medications are controlled substances so I'd have to drive IN to Baltimore any time I needed a refill on my pain medication. This isn't feasible. The doctor on base finally relented and prescribed Tramadol. My doctor then got switched...again. So I said screw it, I'll just get Tramadol online without all the hassle and questions.

I keep in pretty good regular contact with the doctor that has been prescribing the Tramadol. He says I need to see my PCM on base about what's going on. I told him that's not going to happen as the doctors on base are on a rotating door routine. I never see the same doctor or get quality care from them. -------------------

And you're worried about running out of pills when your husband is away. Are you running out between prescriptions? I don't really understand. You know how many pills you have, and you can decide how many you're going to be taking, so there shouldn't be any surprises there. Unless I'm misunderstanding your situation. Can you be sure that you will have enough pills on hand to taper at the rate you decide?
----------------
Yes, I'm worried that I don't have enough pills to do the taper off schedule. I have to wait until 4/9 to get my prescription refilled. However, I'm worried I won't have enough to get me to 4/9. It had gotten so bad that I was taking about 10-12 a day. I'm trying to make what I have last until the 9th. I have Ativan that decreases the withdrawal effects and helps ease the discomfort some. My husband will be on 12 hour shifts next week. HOwever, they are usually more like 14 to 16 hour shifts. With me caring for all three of my children. This is causing quite a bit of anxiety. If I'm suffering from withdrawal effects while my husband is gone.....
-----------------------

I'm trying to figure out what PCM is. Is that your primary care doctor? Are you saying that you're dealing with cancer but you never see the same doctor from one month to the next? That's horrible! Do you see a cancer specialist consistently? Who is the doctor who is prescribing the pain medication? I think that's the one you should consult about this.
-------------------
That is what I'm saying. We live on a military installation and they pretty much have a revolving door with doctors there. They've lost my medical files too many times to count. Every time I go in, I have to re explain what type of cancer I had. Where. When. what surgeries I had. It's awful. I hate living here and being treated like a number rather than a person. I never can get an appointment to see a doctor usually. They just refer me to the walk-in clinic. I have another surgery coming up and I don't even know the doctor that will be giving me my physical to sign me off for surgery. That's another concern. Here I am trying to get off this drug and I'll be having another major surgery. :/

If you can help me understand your situation a little better, I think I can give you better support. You're not alone. You can definitely get off this drug without too much discomfort if you're able to taper slowly, and we can help you get through that. But your medical issues and whatever pain control needs you have...that's not something that I'm qualified to comment on. I know there are other people on the board who have issues with ongoing pain, and I'm sure they can advise you.

Take care. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again.

---------------
thank you so much for the support you have provided. It feels better knowing I'm not alone and there is help out there. Even if I can't get it here locally. The medical clinic here on base just screws things up at every chance they get.

[MaisieC]

Hi Aquarian Path,

I am so outraged by the treatment you're getting that it brings tears to my eyes! What a terrible "system"! And for the doctor to deny you pain killers when you have an infected incision? That's criminal. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

At least I think I have a better understanding of what you're dealing with now. I would strongly advise you NOT to discuss this issue with any doctor on base. You might get the wrong doctor, and they'll flag your file as a "drug-seeker" and your goose will be cooked. With your ongoing medical issues, you need to have access to pain relief when you need it.

So I think tapering off on your own is the best. If you're short on pills, my suggestion would be to taper a little more sharply this weekend, and let your husband take up the slack, so you'll be sure you have enough to get you through while he's gone. It's such a drag to have to do it this way, but it's the only way I can see. Hold back this weekend so you have enough for next week. Please count your pills and know how many you're going to take, so you're not suffering from the anxiety of uncertainty...which just makes things worse.

You can send me an email if you click on my username on the board. Shoot me an email and we can discuss this in more detail, if you want. Hang in there, OK?

[ainteasy]

sorry, i haven't really figured out how to reply to certain people yet on this.. Anyway, my ocd was never THAT bad to where it was unbearable like it is now.. It's always been annoying but really mild.. I also have a really mild case of tourettes so that doesn't help either.. not the kind of tourettes where you yell stuff out but the movement kind.. where you have the urge to move or twitch.. kinda like trying not to blink.. that sort of thing.. and of course, that is worse right now too.. everything seems "heightened" if that makes sense.. or "amped"

I don't have a Dr. as I don't have medical insurance anymore.. I have NEVER gotten treatment for my ocd or tourettes.. I have done a LOOOOT of research on the drugs they use and most of them just mask the symptoms and make it worse in the long run--no thanks.. don't want that. I've actually tried ONE drug for OCD actually.. now that i think of it.. Prozac.. and it made me feel worse so i stopped.. anyway, the way i deal with my OCD right now is with exposure response prevention and cognative behavioral therapy, i have many books on it and am in a support group.. thanx for the advice though

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by ainteasy

sorry, i haven't really figured out how to reply to certain people yet on this.. Anyway, my ocd was never THAT bad to where it was unbearable like it is now.. It's always been annoying but really mild.. I also have a really mild case of tourettes so that doesn't help either.. not the kind of tourettes where you yell stuff out but the movement kind.. where you have the urge to move or twitch.. kinda like trying not to blink.. that sort of thing.. and of course, that is worse right now too.. everything seems "heightened" if that makes sense.. or "amped"

I don't have a Dr. as I don't have medical insurance anymore.. I have NEVER gotten treatment for my ocd or tourettes.. I have done a LOOOOT of research on the drugs they use and most of them just mask the symptoms and make it worse in the long run--no thanks.. don't want that. I've actually tried ONE drug for OCD actually.. now that i think of it.. Prozac.. and it made me feel worse so i stopped.. anyway, the way i deal with my OCD right now is with exposure response prevention and cognative behavioral therapy, i have many books on it and am in a support group.. thanx for the advice though

OK, well that is actually pretty good news. You were basically in a tolerable situation with regard to the OCD before you started using opiates, it sounds like.

I don't have OCD and I don't pretend to be an expert on it, but I am positive that the tramadol withdrawal is making it worse for you now. It looks to me as though it is likely to take longer than the 23 days you had before for it to resolve. I sincerely doubt that it's made any permanent changes in your brain or your brain chemistry. I just think that tramadol is a very powerful drug and it takes a while to resolve the impact that it has. Honestly, I am hopped up about what it did to me, but the more I read about other people's experiences the angrier I get. No way should this drug be so easy to get!

I think if I were in your position I would stick with what I'm doing and do everything possible to deal with the OCD in ways that have worked in the past. Really do a full-court press, with everything you know how to do. I would also think that doing anything you can to relieve tension and anxiety and promote good health might be helpful. Get as much exercise as you're able, take it really easy with the caffeine, eat really well. Try herbal tea if you like it. Meditate, pray. I'm not suggesting you can talk yourself out of the OCD. I just mean you should 1) be as healthy as you can so that your body can heal and 2) avoid anything that will exacerbate the OCD.

Does this make sense? Your body will heal. It looks like it's just going to take more time than you hoped. Please don't give up! We're all here and going through it, and you can get through this.

Hang in there, and please let us know how you're doing.

[ainteasy]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

OK, well that is actually pretty good news. You were basically in a tolerable situation with regard to the OCD before you started using opiates, it sounds like.

I don't have OCD and I don't pretend to be an expert on it, but I am positive that the tramadol withdrawal is making it worse for you now. It looks to me as though it is likely to take longer than the 23 days you had before for it to resolve. I sincerely doubt that it's made any permanent changes in your brain or your brain chemistry. I just think that tramadol is a very powerful drug and it takes a while to resolve the impact that it has. Honestly, I am hopped up about what it did to me, but the more I read about other people's experiences the angrier I get. No way should this drug be so easy to get!

I think if I were in your position I would stick with what I'm doing and do everything possible to deal with the OCD in ways that have worked in the past. Really do a full-court press, with everything you know how to do. I would also think that doing anything you can to relieve tension and anxiety and promote good health might be helpful. Get as much exercise as you're able, take it really easy with the caffeine, eat really well. Try herbal tea if you like it. Meditate, pray. I'm not suggesting you can talk yourself out of the OCD. I just mean you should 1) be as healthy as you can so that your body can heal and 2) avoid anything that will exacerbate the OCD.

Does this make sense? Your body will heal. It looks like it's just going to take more time than you hoped. Please don't give up! We're all here and going through it, and you can get through this.

Hang in there, and please let us know how you're doing.

THank you VERY much!! that gives me a little hope at least. I just can't picture it getting "better" i guess i just can't imagine myself not being depressed and down.. i don't know how else to explain it. back in October, I did Extacy twice in 2 weeks.. but that was it.. Not sure if that had any effect on this.. Like i said, I lost my job in November and quit the opiates pretty much that same week.. and like about 4 days after that is when I started noticing a HUGE difference in my thoughts and OCD and depression.. so i couldn't tell if it was the loss of my job and being bored or just coming off of the opiates.. I think it was a lil of both. Well this is the end of day 5.. Whahooo. .. SF, you should be proud too..

Macie, thank you for giving me all this info.. I hope I do get better.. I have been taking care of my body since i stopped by eating right and getting plenty of vitamins through good drinks like odwalla.. taking plenty of GOOD brand fish oil omega 3 and have been going on lots of walks.. I completely eliminated caffeine and have been off of that for about 2 months now. I was a HEAVY caffeine drinker before 2 months ago so I figured that could be contributing.. I've been trying to do everything I can to be in good health.

I do notice that it does help to keep myself busy.. I'm not obsessing over getting more pills (although the thought keeps popping into my mind)

this is another thing that is bugging me.. I don't feel like I can have any fun without vicodin or tramadol.. I used to love to pop a few vikes or trams before a movie but now?? i don't even wanna watch any movies because I don't have any drugs.. does that make sense? will that ever go away? I look at my future and am about to have a baby.. (first one) next month and I'm hoping to God that the baby will change my life for the better. I still can't get over the thought that I won't ever have genuine fun again without opiates.. i cannot get that outta my head.. Does that "feeling" ever go away or go down a great deal? I sure hope so because it sucks.

Maicie, can u tell me that? re-assurance always helps me.. you've been so re-assuring already and I thank you for that.. How long have you been off of them? I can't remember.. If someone out there is reading this who has been off of opiates for more than 3 months tell me how you feel? do you feel great and feel like you can have fun without them? Do you feel you need an SSRI or some other meds to counter the depression? or do you jst feel like yourself again.. Please, I need to know.. I know time will only tell for me but it's torture not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.. Lol..

thank you to all of you..and Maicie

John

[MaisieC]

Hey John,

Only a quick reply tonight because I have to get up in the morning and work! Working on Saturday morning sucks, but it sucks less than being unemployed, so I'm gonna do it!

I have only been off the trams since late December, and I don't think my body is really totally right yet. I also quit taking my SSRI since then. I felt over-medicated. I am OK so far, not depressed, so I'm grateful.

I totally, totally, totally know what you mean about feeling like you'll never have fun again! That impulse or whatever it is comes back to me at the oddest moments. Someone here who has been clean longer than me can tell us about that. You guys?

I will say that I have certainly had a lot of happiness since I got clean. You are NOT going to be depressed forever! Hang in there, you will be happy again. And oh my God you're having a baby! That is so wonderful and gives you everything in the world to be clean and healthy for! That's going to be a big, big change in your life, and talk about a major distraction! You couldn't ask for a bigger one. Congratulations. I know that being a new parent can be very trying, but I'll bet you're gonna be sooooo happy to be a dad! The timing couldn't be better.

Don't feel bad if you don't feel that way right now. You're still in the thick of it, and all your feelings are likely to be wonky for a while. It's "normal."

Like I said, I'm not normal yet. But I'm still going through a transition. I was out of work for a long time, and now I'm working again and trying to do that well. Ideally I would be exercising, and really ideally I would be dancing, and that always made me very happy. But little by little things are getting better. And I am NOT depressed and am soooo grateful for that!

You had a lot of big changes all at once, quitting the drugs and not having the job. That's bound to be contributing to the intensity of your feelings now. I'm totally impressed you could quit the caffeine. I am totally addicted, and that's the next thing that goes!

Um, I said a short reply, right? Yep.

I am totally sure you're going to feel happy again, just as I'm totally sure I'm going to feel "normal" again. It is just a beast of a drug!

It would be interesting to raise the question about "will I ever have fun again without pills" to some of the old-timers here. That feeling comes back on me, and I'd love to hear what people have to say about it. Youse guys?

OK, more tomorrow. Take care, and hang in there!

[tayna]

Originally Posted by donnaf484

thank for the advice Dave. Yesterday I found a doctor who prescribed me with subutex. I am to start taking it tomorrow. I am a bit scared because withdrawal from tramadol is horrendous. He didnt even want me to wean myself off of tramdal. I am to just substitute the tramol with the subutex. He told me he does not get patients who are addicted to tramadol but it does happen and it is adddictive. I am going to try this. Anything is better than living like this.
thanks

Donna Forman

Hi i refer to myself as tayna which stands for tramadol addiction your not alone and trust me your not. I have been taking tramadol for over 9 years started out with a back injury, I fortunately never got to taking no more than 12 in a day. The dr. who 1st gave it to me said "no biggie you wont get addicted" gave it out to me like candy. I started wanting more and more, but i did ween myself off of them down to where i was taking 4 a day and now this very weekend i am going cold turkey to get the rest out of me. i have done it before only because i ran out of them and i got so sick my eyes looked like zombie eyes. i know something needs to be done about this and i am trying to get more people on the bandwagon to have something done. this drug needs to be reclassified or even taken off the market. i started a blog "http://tayna.blogspot.com" join me

[tayna]

Hi this is T.A.Y.N.A "tramadol addiction your not alone." I have been taking it over 9 years. The more I took the more I wanted. Doctors need to have this drug reclassified - it is addictive!! very addictive. Sudden stoppage gives you the worst withdrawal symptoms. YOU CAN ween yourself off of them, but you may need someone's help to monitor you and be there for you. I finally have weened myself down to 4 a day and am going to cold turkey it (if my body can take it) to get it all out. Yes it is hard, but using something else to get you off of it is going to make you crave the other. Then you are not defeating the true problem is your need or desire to "take something" to make you feel better or whatever that desire may have been to make you crave it to begin with. It is so much more than addiction - there are deeper reasons why you became addicted to it. I am trying to get any and everyone ever affected by this drug to log into my blog. Something needs to be done to make people aware and doctors more aware of how serious this drug really is.

http://tayna.blogspot.com

[ainteasy]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

Hey John,

Only a quick reply tonight because I have to get up in the morning and work! Working on Saturday morning sucks, but it sucks less than being unemployed, so I'm gonna do it!

I have only been off the trams since late December, and I don't think my body is really totally right yet. I also quit taking my SSRI since then. I felt over-medicated. I am OK so far, not depressed, so I'm grateful.

I totally, totally, totally know what you mean about feeling like you'll never have fun again! That impulse or whatever it is comes back to me at the oddest moments. Someone here who has been clean longer than me can tell us about that. You guys?

I will say that I have certainly had a lot of happiness since I got clean. You are NOT going to be depressed forever! Hang in there, you will be happy again. And oh my God you're having a baby! That is so wonderful and gives you everything in the world to be clean and healthy for! That's going to be a big, big change in your life, and talk about a major distraction! You couldn't ask for a bigger one. Congratulations. I know that being a new parent can be very trying, but I'll bet you're gonna be sooooo happy to be a dad! The timing couldn't be better.

Don't feel bad if you don't feel that way right now. You're still in the thick of it, and all your feelings are likely to be wonky for a while. It's "normal."

Like I said, I'm not normal yet. But I'm still going through a transition. I was out of work for a long time, and now I'm working again and trying to do that well. Ideally I would be exercising, and really ideally I would be dancing, and that always made me very happy. But little by little things are getting better. And I am NOT depressed and am soooo grateful for that!

You had a lot of big changes all at once, quitting the drugs and not having the job. That's bound to be contributing to the intensity of your feelings now. I'm totally impressed you could quit the caffeine. I am totally addicted, and that's the next thing that goes!

Um, I said a short reply, right? Yep.

I am totally sure you're going to feel happy again, just as I'm totally sure I'm going to feel "normal" again. It is just a beast of a drug!

It would be interesting to raise the question about "will I ever have fun again without pills" to some of the old-timers here. That feeling comes back on me, and I'd love to hear what people have to say about it. Youse guys?

OK, more tomorrow. Take care, and hang in there!

Thanks again Maicie.. that was actually a long reply

makes me a feel a lot better.. i'm already feeling tons better today.. it is now midnight and i'm about to go to bed. Tomorrow will be day 6.. the days seem to go bye so slowly when ur not taking pills.. you ever notice that? Then when you are taking them, the weeks fly bye.. I guess because yer having fun.. I would take like 5 or 6 tramadols and be flying HIGH all day until bedtime.. and then i'd go right to sleep in like 10 minutes.. and I've never been a good sleeper.. when i'm on trams or vikes, i go right to sleep..

I think the reason i started on opiates was because I noticed at firs that they were the ONLY thing that relaxed me.. I've never really been able to "relax" because of the tourettes so the opiates gave me a relaxation that I'd never had.. the problem is, they started cauzing it to be worse afterwhile and of course, i got addicted.

it's weird because my best friend (and vicodin partner in crime) takes way more vicodin than I ever did.. He takes up to 40 in a day sometimes.. anyway, I would always give him trams and the first time he ever took any, he took 7 all at once and said he didn't feel anything.. .. He tried them again a few months back and still said he didn't feel much.. it's weird because I know a few people like him who don't get that much of a feel from them so he'd never get addicted.. He's still addicted to vicodin though and he ran out today and is going to try and go cold turkey.. since he has Sunday and Monday off from work. Tomorrow will be his "day 1" yikes.. going from 20-40 vicodin a day to zero is going to be hell.. he's done it before but i'm gonna hang out w him those days and encourage him..

Do you know of any natural remedies that help the withdrawal from vicodin? i've heard magnesium works pretty well.. have you heard of that?


anyway, Maicie, you and some of you other people are just so nice to want to help ease peoples minds on this forum.. you are truly a good person and I thank you. I am pretty experienced with all of this myself and have been thru the physical withdrawals countless times but have never really dealt with the aftershocks of tramadol like this so you have helped me a lot.... Thank you.. sorry this is so long.. it just feels good to type and talk..it's theraputic in a way..


John

[ainteasy]

Dang it!! today is almost the end of day 6 with nothing and I now want to go to my friends house and beg him for some tramadol!! I know it would be a bad idea but the craving actually hit hard today and I was contimplating it because i'm just not feeling 100% yet.. errrrrrrr. Frustration!!


John

[anotheraddict]

Hi Aquarian,

Of course I noticed the PCM thing in your posts. Tonight was the first time I read them for some reason. I am a military kid (dad was career AF 22+ years)!

I just wanted to let you know that I know the pain of the military healthcare system. For years, I did not have a PCM. During that time, I was undergoing several surgeries at other locations, and I had to do all of the work myself. Constant referalls and appts are no fun for a 12 year old to keep up with. If you don't fight for yourself, no one on base will. I ended up with permanent nerve damage thanks to lack of treatment of a chronically sprained ankle.

Keep your head high. If you need a sounding board, we are here. I will check in later.

[AquarianPath]

I can't email you Maisic because it said you are not accepting emails.

Anyway, here's an update. Friday I took only 7. Yesterday I took only 6. So far today I've had only 3. I was about to take another but resisted. I have an incredible will power. I won't take another until I really start feeling the withdrawal effects. I'm hoping to taper down even more today. If I can't, i won't beat myself up over it. My husband finally came to understand the reality of this addicted when i woke up yesterday I was pale, had dark circles under my eyes, and could barely move until I took 100mg of Tramadol. Then i walked around like a zombie until it kicked in.

He's on 12 hour shifts starting today. He talked to his First Shirt about getting off at 3 (his normal time to get off of work) but hasn't received any answer in that regards.

I have 39 pills to last me until next Saturday. I have no choice but to stretch these out as long as possible. Even then, I don't know if I will get another RX of Tramadol. When you start trying to make an order before you're allowed, you're flagged as an opiate dependent.

I'm still not sure if the system will let me re order. If they don't, then I'll need to get myself off these things asap.
I'm going to try to switch PCMs to a doctor off base. I have a pre-op appointment on Tuesday. I have to get an EKG done, a Chest X-ray,, blood work, etc. All in preparation for my April 20 surgery.

I'm going to email my Plastic Surgeon (I have a great relationship with him) and let him know what's going on. I'm pretty sure he's seen this before and has been faced with this in other patients that have gone through reconstruction surgeries.

I'm going to see if he can prescribe Percocet. Anytime I get off Trams and get on other pain meds like Darvocet or Percocet, I still get that "high" or that addiction fed - but once the Percs or Darvs are gone.....I don't have the withdrawal symptoms.

And those are considered "pure" opiates and more addictive. However, i can start and stop Percs and darvs with no problem at all. I like the "highs" they give me...but it's not like I need them unless Ihave pain.

But Tramadol, jeezus....doesn't even give me the same feelings that Percs and Darvs have. yet it's tramadol that I'm addicted to and am having difficulties with.


Well, I'm going to try to taper off these as quickly as possible just incase I can't reorder any more.

I'll check back in often. This is the best support I've found so far. It does, indeed, help. Knowing I'm not the only one. I felt so ashamed and ********py for allowing myself to get addicted to these things.

My dad is a maintenance drinker. Was an alcoholic. And my mom has been a chain smoker all her life. So I have the "genes" to get addicted.

I don't smoke, don't drink, because I don't want to pollute my body. And I'm the one that ended up with breast cancer.

Thanks all.

[mcaley114]

thanks for the encouragement. I am on day 10 now and feeling much better. Made myself some home made "flu" concoction b12's, fish oil, green tea pills and lots of water. Still feel dizzy when move too fast. I still cant believe it happened. Thanks for the help, the benadryl really helped at night.

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by ainteasy

Thanks again Maicie.. that was actually a long reply

makes me a feel a lot better.. i'm already feeling tons better today.. it is now midnight and i'm about to go to bed. Tomorrow will be day 6.. the days seem to go bye so slowly when ur not taking pills.. you ever notice that? Then when you are taking them, the weeks fly bye.. I guess because yer having fun.. I would take like 5 or 6 tramadols and be flying HIGH all day until bedtime.. and then i'd go right to sleep in like 10 minutes.. and I've never been a good sleeper.. when i'm on trams or vikes, i go right to sleep..

I think the reason i started on opiates was because I noticed at firs that they were the ONLY thing that relaxed me.. I've never really been able to "relax" because of the tourettes so the opiates gave me a relaxation that I'd never had.. the problem is, they started cauzing it to be worse afterwhile and of course, i got addicted.

it's weird because my best friend (and vicodin partner in crime) takes way more vicodin than I ever did.. He takes up to 40 in a day sometimes.. anyway, I would always give him trams and the first time he ever took any, he took 7 all at once and said he didn't feel anything.. .. He tried them again a few months back and still said he didn't feel much.. it's weird because I know a few people like him who don't get that much of a feel from them so he'd never get addicted.. He's still addicted to vicodin though and he ran out today and is going to try and go cold turkey.. since he has Sunday and Monday off from work. Tomorrow will be his "day 1" yikes.. going from 20-40 vicodin a day to zero is going to be hell.. he's done it before but i'm gonna hang out w him those days and encourage him..

Do you know of any natural remedies that help the withdrawal from vicodin? i've heard magnesium works pretty well.. have you heard of that?


anyway, Maicie, you and some of you other people are just so nice to want to help ease peoples minds on this forum.. you are truly a good person and I thank you. I am pretty experienced with all of this myself and have been thru the physical withdrawals countless times but have never really dealt with the aftershocks of tramadol like this so you have helped me a lot.... Thank you.. sorry this is so long.. it just feels good to type and talk..it's theraputic in a way..


John

Hey John,

How are you doing? I hope you made it through the weekend OK. I really understand about those cravings...it's very hard. My addiction doctor told me once that cravings last an average of 9 minutes, and if you can wait them out they go away. Not forever, of course, but you have to do whatever you can to stay clean, from one minute to the next if you have to.

It's interesting what you say about the opiates making you feel relaxed. Of course a lot of us get addicted because of the high. But these drugs do have some other benefits besides pain relief. I don't think there's any point in denying that. I could name some things that they helped me with. HOWEVER, the bad faaaaaaaar outweighs the good, if you become addicted. It's a deal with the devil. It may be the best relaxer you've ever found, but the cost is just way too high. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight.

How is your friend? That is a totally brutal detox to go through! When I hear stuff like that it breaks my heart. We do such terrible, terrible things to ourselves with and for these drugs. It's just ghastly. Is your friend interested in getting clean for good, or is this a temporary thing for him?

Anyhow, I do hope you're doing well. Will be looking for your next post. Take good care!

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by AquarianPath

I can't email you Maisic because it said you are not accepting emails.

Anyway, here's an update. Friday I took only 7. Yesterday I took only 6. So far today I've had only 3. I was about to take another but resisted. I have an incredible will power. I won't take another until I really start feeling the withdrawal effects. I'm hoping to taper down even more today. If I can't, i won't beat myself up over it. My husband finally came to understand the reality of this addicted when i woke up yesterday I was pale, had dark circles under my eyes, and could barely move until I took 100mg of Tramadol. Then i walked around like a zombie until it kicked in.

He's on 12 hour shifts starting today. He talked to his First Shirt about getting off at 3 (his normal time to get off of work) but hasn't received any answer in that regards.

I have 39 pills to last me until next Saturday. I have no choice but to stretch these out as long as possible. Even then, I don't know if I will get another RX of Tramadol. When you start trying to make an order before you're allowed, you're flagged as an opiate dependent.

I'm still not sure if the system will let me re order. If they don't, then I'll need to get myself off these things asap.
I'm going to try to switch PCMs to a doctor off base. I have a pre-op appointment on Tuesday. I have to get an EKG done, a Chest X-ray,, blood work, etc. All in preparation for my April 20 surgery.

I'm going to email my Plastic Surgeon (I have a great relationship with him) and let him know what's going on. I'm pretty sure he's seen this before and has been faced with this in other patients that have gone through reconstruction surgeries.

I'm going to see if he can prescribe Percocet. Anytime I get off Trams and get on other pain meds like Darvocet or Percocet, I still get that "high" or that addiction fed - but once the Percs or Darvs are gone.....I don't have the withdrawal symptoms.

And those are considered "pure" opiates and more addictive. However, i can start and stop Percs and darvs with no problem at all. I like the "highs" they give me...but it's not like I need them unless Ihave pain.

But Tramadol, jeezus....doesn't even give me the same feelings that Percs and Darvs have. yet it's tramadol that I'm addicted to and am having difficulties with.


Well, I'm going to try to taper off these as quickly as possible just incase I can't reorder any more.

I'll check back in often. This is the best support I've found so far. It does, indeed, help. Knowing I'm not the only one. I felt so ashamed and ********py for allowing myself to get addicted to these things.

My dad is a maintenance drinker. Was an alcoholic. And my mom has been a chain smoker all her life. So I have the "genes" to get addicted.

I don't smoke, don't drink, because I don't want to pollute my body. And I'm the one that ended up with breast cancer.

Thanks all.

Hey there, how are you doing?

That's odd about the e-mail. I checked my settings and it shows that I checked the box to receive e-mails. There must be something wrong with the board. Are you set to receive? I didn't see an option to e-mail you.

I think you can make it on the 39 pills! If you're very disciplined and hang in there, I think you can make it.

Talking to your plastic surgeon seems like a very good idea. Absolutely he has seen this kind of situation before, and I hope he'll be helpful. However, you said you have to drive in to see him to get the meds from him right? Is that going to be possible?

I actually think that switching over to percocet is an excellent idea if you can pull it off. The more I think about it, the more I think that might be a good approach for anyone getting off trams. With the tramadol you have the whole opiate withdrawal thing, plus the added dimension of the emotional issues coming off the SSRI effect that it has. It might make sense to do it one step at a time: first get off the trams onto another opiate and get through the worst of the emotional stuff, then detox off the opiate once you're more stable emotionally. I'm just thinking "aloud" here, but I think this makes sense.

It really does seem to be a uniquely difficult drug because of the combination of the opiate and the SSRI. I cannot believe it is so easy to get.

Anyhow, you hang in there and take care of yourself. Please let us know how you're doing.

Maisie

[AquarianPath]

I think this morning was the worst. I forced myself to take only one starter pill when I woke up. My stomach was gurgling really badly and I felt dizzy. But I started vacuuming - then dusting - then wiping down everything I could. Sweeping, mopping, laundry...anything that kept me physically active to keep my mind off the withdrawal effects. While I moved I didn't feel sick. But if I sat down I started feel nauseous and my headaches kicked in.

I took only 6 Trams yesterday. I'm hoping today I will take even less. I'm hoping my Plastic Surgeon will take pity on me and prescribe the Percs to help me get off the Tramadol.

Thank you so much, Maisie for being such a support. Well, thanks to everyone who has responded. Jeez, I check this board every day and find such comfort knowing I'm not alone in this.
My son needs to be changed now, but I'll keep updating. It's like logging my progress. Journaling what I'm going through. And hopefully someone else in my sort of situation can be helped by it.

[biker_grunt]

Man, I need some input myself. This is my 1st contact w/anyone ever about my Tramadol dependency.
I'm Active Duty military... have had 5x ankle surgeries in past two years, Oxys, Percocets, and most recently Tramadol prescribed. So, long-story short; I'm up to about 30 - 30 50mg Tramadols a DAY, PLUS I take a .50 mg Tramadol a day for anxiety/depression in the first place.

I don't even know where to begin working on my issue here, but I know I have to because it's destroying me in many different ways... no doubt about that.

Does ANYONE know who I should approach in the Army medical community about this? I don't think my original Ortho Dr. would be the right guy.

In my job, I absolutely can NOT miss work... without a damn good reason, so am terrified of coming off the stuff because I know it will wreck me for awhile (Tried before).

Any input on this would be highly appreciaed.

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by biker_grunt

Man, I need some input myself. This is my 1st contact w/anyone ever about my Tramadol dependency.
I'm Active Duty military... have had 5x ankle surgeries in past two years, Oxys, Percocets, and most recently Tramadol prescribed. So, long-story short; I'm up to about 30 - 30 50mg Tramadols a DAY, PLUS I take a .50 mg Tramadol a day for anxiety/depression in the first place.

I don't even know where to begin working on my issue here, but I know I have to because it's destroying me in many different ways... no doubt about that.

Does ANYONE know who I should approach in the Army medical community about this? I don't think my original Ortho Dr. would be the right guy.

In my job, I absolutely can NOT miss work... without a damn good reason, so am terrified of coming off the stuff because I know it will wreck me for awhile (Tried before).

Any input on this would be highly appreciaed.

I can't answer your question about the Army medical community, I'm afraid. Maybe someone else on here knows how that system works. But I do know of a taper schedule that works, and here is the link:

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/725


It's a hard drug to get off of, and tapering slowly is the best way to do it, especially coming down from a high dose. If you have the willpower and desire to get off it, you can taper off yourself. If you go slowly, you won't be sick.

Are you still having pain from your surgeries, or is the tramadol use really just about keeping out of withdrawal at this point?

Good luck and take care.

Maisie

[AquarianPath]

Originally Posted by biker_grunt

Man, I need some input myself. This is my 1st contact w/anyone ever about my Tramadol dependency.
I'm Active Duty military... have had 5x ankle surgeries in past two years, Oxys, Percocets, and most recently Tramadol prescribed. So, long-story short; I'm up to about 30 - 30 50mg Tramadols a DAY, PLUS I take a .50 mg Tramadol a day for anxiety/depression in the first place.

I don't even know where to begin working on my issue here, but I know I have to because it's destroying me in many different ways... no doubt about that.

Does ANYONE know who I should approach in the Army medical community about this? I don't think my original Ortho Dr. would be the right guy.

In my job, I absolutely can NOT miss work... without a damn good reason, so am terrified of coming off the stuff because I know it will wreck me for awhile (Tried before).

Any input on this would be highly appreciaed.

Man oh man...my husband is an E5 in the Air Force and one of his troops got hooked on Percs.
He came forward and admitted his problem. They sent him to rehab and when he came back they gave him an honorable discharge.

So if you want to be kicked out, you'll need to speak to your Ortho dr. about it and get help.

You can email me at Jennimoon81@yahoo.com if you want military input.

[ainteasy]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

Hey John,

How are you doing? I hope you made it through the weekend OK. I really understand about those cravings...it's very hard. My addiction doctor told me once that cravings last an average of 9 minutes, and if you can wait them out they go away. Not forever, of course, but you have to do whatever you can to stay clean, from one minute to the next if you have to.

It's interesting what you say about the opiates making you feel relaxed. Of course a lot of us get addicted because of the high. But these drugs do have some other benefits besides pain relief. I don't think there's any point in denying that. I could name some things that they helped me with. HOWEVER, the bad faaaaaaaar outweighs the good, if you become addicted. It's a deal with the devil. It may be the best relaxer you've ever found, but the cost is just way too high. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight.

How is your friend? That is a totally brutal detox to go through! When I hear stuff like that it breaks my heart. We do such terrible, terrible things to ourselves with and for these drugs. It's just ghastly. Is your friend interested in getting clean for good, or is this a temporary thing for him?

Anyhow, I do hope you're doing well. Will be looking for your next post. Take good care!

Hey Maisie, I didn't see this reply so i'm responding to it now. I'm doing alright I guess. I think a lot of my depression is coming from the fact I've hid this from my wife for 3 years. I want to tell her so bad but that would be all bad because she'd never trust me every again. I told her about it 3 years ago and she flipped out and didn't let it go for like a month so I kinda made myself a promise back then that I wouldn't make that mistake again hahaha but now i think it's making me really sad that I feel like I can't be honest with her.. Anyway, I feel like a very bad person for this and I think the guilt is something that can cauz extreme subconcious anxiety.. Does that make sense? So i've pray that God would open the door for me to spill the beans because honestly, it'll help me NOT to relapse if she knows you know? I just don't know because we are about to have a kid and I wouldn't wanna upset her too much (never upset a pregnant woman!! haha)

Anyway, enough about that, about my friend?? all bad. I went to hang with him yesterday for his detox and he gave up pretty quick. First we went to the store to get some good vitamins and he pulls out 1 5mg vicodin from under his floormat and said "Ahhh was savin this one" and I was like "what the hell are you doing man?" and he said "it's only one and it's my last one, i was saving it so I wouldn't hurt as much" So as the day went on, he started getting really anxious and the whole time, I didn't know that he knew where a whole stash of 7.5 vicodins were at one of his friends house (his friend said he could go snag some whenever he wanted) so Off he went and he got some--There goes that!! Luckily he didn't bring any back for me because I prolly would have taken them! He's my best friend but i'm realizing that I cannot hang out with him if he's taking these because it was like we were magnets and I felt the force strongly when i was hanging out with him. In other words, since I knew he was getting some, I really really really felt the urge to take some... but am glad I didn't.

So here I am on day 8 of having absolutely NO opiates and I feel kinda nutreal.. Not sure how I should be feeling.. Kinda forgot what NORMAL feels like to be honest. what's that like again? hahahaha

John

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by ainteasy

Hey Maisie, I didn't see this reply so i'm responding to it now. I'm doing alright I guess. I think a lot of my depression is coming from the fact I've hid this from my wife for 3 years. I want to tell her so bad but that would be all bad because she'd never trust me every again. I told her about it 3 years ago and she flipped out and didn't let it go for like a month so I kinda made myself a promise back then that I wouldn't make that mistake again hahaha but now i think it's making me really sad that I feel like I can't be honest with her.. Anyway, I feel like a very bad person for this and I think the guilt is something that can cauz extreme subconcious anxiety.. Does that make sense? So i've pray that God would open the door for me to spill the beans because honestly, it'll help me NOT to relapse if she knows you know? I just don't know because we are about to have a kid and I wouldn't wanna upset her too much (never upset a pregnant woman!! haha)

Anyway, enough about that, about my friend?? all bad. I went to hang with him yesterday for his detox and he gave up pretty quick. First we went to the store to get some good vitamins and he pulls out 1 5mg vicodin from under his floormat and said "Ahhh was savin this one" and I was like "what the hell are you doing man?" and he said "it's only one and it's my last one, i was saving it so I wouldn't hurt as much" So as the day went on, he started getting really anxious and the whole time, I didn't know that he knew where a whole stash of 7.5 vicodins were at one of his friends house (his friend said he could go snag some whenever he wanted) so Off he went and he got some--There goes that!! Luckily he didn't bring any back for me because I prolly would have taken them! He's my best friend but i'm realizing that I cannot hang out with him if he's taking these because it was like we were magnets and I felt the force strongly when i was hanging out with him. In other words, since I knew he was getting some, I really really really felt the urge to take some... but am glad I didn't.

So here I am on day 8 of having absolutely NO opiates and I feel kinda nutreal.. Not sure how I should be feeling.. Kinda forgot what NORMAL feels like to be honest. what's that like again? hahahaha

John

Hi John,

I can imagine how bad it feels not to be able to share this with your wife right now. But in my opinion you are doing the right thing, if it upset her before. Let her deal with her pregnancy, and you deal with your issues. Have you thought about finding an NA meeting near you? It is sooooo good to talk to live people about what you're going through. You can also go to AA. AA used to be really snobbish about not allowing "addicts" in, but most meetings are more switched on. My advice to you is if you go to an AA meeting and want to talk, introduce yourself as "Hi, I'm X and I'm an alcoholic and an addict." Doesn't matter that you're not an alcoholic. The truth is an addict is an addict, and there is nothing any more high toned about being addicted to alcohol than to other substances. But out of respect for the forum, play by the rules. It's always helped me to go to AA meetings, and soooooooooooo many people are cross-addicted these days!

Can I just give you a really, really serious warning about your friend? This is coming totally from my heart, because my "best friend" was the person who introduced me to drugs and became my dealer. She got me pills, letting me know that it was inconvenient for her but she did it out of friendship. Then she died of a heroin overdose, I flipped out, got clean, relapsed, and found out she was making a lot of money selling those pills to me.

She was a hard-core addict going way back, which I didn't realize when I met her. She was also a brilliant, funny, intelligent, compassionate person, which is why I became her friend. But the addiction makes all that other stuff irrelevant. She introduced me to drugs knowing full well what would happen to me, and she sabotaged me when I tried to quit. Now my behavior is MY responsibility, but she really ********ed me up.

It's next to impossible to have a true friendship where there are drugs involved. People have the best of intentions, but the drugs always win out.

In short, I'm thinking it would be very smart for you to steer clear of that friend. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, this only ever goes one way. And you have to take care of yourself and be responsible for your family.

Just some food for thought.

So you're feeling neutral? Could be a lot worse, right? I'd say you're doing well!

Take good care, OK?

Maisie