[Rey Rey]

Today 11/6/06

It’s funny how I indirectly know people who have been, or are currently going to, rehab for something or another. Whoever thought I’d need a group to deal with quitting my antidepressant.
My surffs problem began late summer when I began having problems with anxiety. No stranger to the feelings, I went on to ask questions to my therapist, to whom I go to weekly. It made sense if I wasn’t depressed but now anxious, my problem might very well be Lexapro. I believed it was mutual that I go to a psychiatric doctor to seek answers. In therapy I had made great progress and was feeling quiet well. With only 4 weeks left in therapy I felt I was yet again strong and in control of my life.
Meeting with a psychiatric doctor was a new experience. It was my regular physician who gave me the Lexapro prescription after I received my hiv diagnosis. It was at the advice of new phyciatrist and two others (whom sat in the office and gave their input as well) that I was to up my Lexapro dose from 20 to 30. I was told in fact that Lexapro in high dose would help me lower my anxiety levels and not focus on the depression.
Things were looking up... but it almost was too good. I began to stop vocalizing. I stopped letting people know that I was upset with them, I even stopped telling people how I felt at all. It seemed like a waist of time. Looking back I almost felt like I was falling out of love in my relationship. At work when I was upset I kept my feeling to myself. Self dialog was something I was becoming all to familiar with. It became the “normâ€� to talk to myself in the car. To be mad that I hadn't spoke up or pissed off that I was running late, or upset I was even upset at all.
A few small things that lead up to the fall...
October has the sad privilege to hold so many horrible tragedies of my life falling in the same month. It reminds me of bad feeling in school and loosing my sister my grandmother who were so close to me and the end of my favorite time of year. Summer. the nights came sooner and the weather gets colder. for depression it seems to be a tough time of year to gaze upon in the past. Anxiety is no problem at this time of year for me because I can busy myself with holiday. But I had been depressed
The suppressed anxiety was just stirring I suspect. Though feeling anxiety is something I grew up with. It was hard to go back to those horrible feelings. In therapy I did in fact stop feeling depressed and found my self moving on and up in my life. Anxiety was all I knew before depression. It seemed to me my work was done when in fact it had only just begun.

If you have ever been put under for an operation you would know that sometimes people awaken crying or laughing or even upset. On the 17, I was told by my boyfriend that I wasn’t myself after waking up. In fact he asked if I had taken anything else because for a solid week I was out of char actor. I was “checked outâ€�. By sunday the first anxiety attack came. I had a glass of wine at brunch. all was fine till my buzz went away. I took one look in the car mirror and started to cry because I saw gray hair. I took an Excedrin after all I anticipated a headache but only 5 minutes into it I found it hard to breath, my sensitivity levels where sky high and my hearing seemed to dim. The lights were bright and I felt dizzy and wanted to pop through my skin.
It was that monday I went in to seek help. First to gay and lesbian center then I went to the dentist. Just go home and sleep it off. Tuesday I went back to the gay and lesbian center and I was sent to Cedars only to be told to calm down yet again. By Wednesday it was a blur. at home things were even worse and Thursday I tried to end it all with sleeping pills. Now sick in the ER at yet another hospital embarrassed I went home looking like a suicide junkie. by Friday I was told by my psychiatrist to stop my Lexapro as well my doctor told me to stop my hiv drugs.
It’s one thing to be over medicated. but detox is another battle in it self. As I began to have moments of clearness I was sad to find so much time lost. I began to wonder about the people in my life and how I’d in fact meet them. My old friends had noticed the change in me long ago and rebuilt our friendships but I felt like I was waking up from a 5 year dream. The tears never stopped most people in my life wanted to know what went wrong and my bursts of dizzy spells and hearing loss came on strong. The lose of control made my stomach turn and i could barley bring myself to drink water. Morning were so hard for me. after the tears stopped I had to talk myself to get dressed. Leaving the house made ill to my stomach the shaky hand told a story of god only knows what. The thought of wondering mad me nuts. The feelings have lessened since but it’s only been 10 ****ing days and I’m so sick of these feelings. I began to cry about things I thought I long forgotten about and problems from years back. In my heart I know I can bounce back but what about the current situation. my job and relationship. Now they took away the ability to hide my problems. I’m learning to cope but I feel so disconnected and regretful of time lost. most i feel alone. Things are changing so fast and out of my control and all I want is something to stay the same and not one thing is the same.
more Big problems
my selfesteam