Questions about Detox/Drug Rehab

hadenough2009 · #1 03-17-2009, 01:20 AM

Hi everyone. I have some questions regarding what should/should not be expected during the detox period and drug rehab. My husband is in his 3rd detox facility. After the first one, he relapsed and began using even more than he did to begin with. The second discharged him because he was non-compliant. The current one is about to do the same. He has been at this facility for 11 days and is still detoxing. Moments after he was taken to the ER of this facility to be admitted, he punched a security guard and pushed him against the wall because he said the guard got in his face. Before he came for this detox, he had been abusing every pill (and injection for that matter) he could get his hands on: Xanax, Flexeril, Percocet, Vicodin, Klonopin, Valium, Delaudid (sp?), Fentynyl (sp?). They have him on this new "miracle" drug (Subcutex?? Suboxen??) for the past 4 days. I'm wondering if it's normal for him to seem intoxicated at this point. Almost everyday, when I talk to him on the phone, he starts talking jibberish and I can't understand a word he says. And when I can understand him, he doesn't make any sense. I've talked to him a couple of times in between and he seemed a little more clear headed, but barely enough to have a 5 minute conversation. But there's no clear progress or sign that the "fogginess" is waning. It's inconsistent. Although he's still in detox, he has begun a 4-5 week substance abuse rehab program. He completes his "homework" and workbook, but he falls asleep in group, misses his AA meetings, and threatens people when he doesn't get his way. I've talked with the therapist whose case load he is on. (She works with him 4 days/week) and she says that during groups, he either falls asleep or plays with the velcro on his knee brace (his knee hurts and he wouldn't shut up until they gave him a brace to wear) which can be very loud and distracting. She said he's not keeping up with his personal hygiene, he looks disheveled and many times seems extremely intoxicated (to clarify, I'm not talking about intoxication from alcohol). When confronted about his personal hygiene, he threatened to beat up the doctor who confronted him. The therapist said that tomorrow they are making a decision whether or not they are going to keep treating him because the staff is having to focus a lot of their efforts on him just to make sure he behaves, much less gets anything out of the treatment. She basically compared his behavior to that of a 6-year-old. She said his behavior is so bizarre that she has never dealt with a client like him. Could anyone give me some insight on what could be going on? They are going to do an intensive urinalysis on him tomorrow to rule out that he might have snuck in drugs somehow. Also, he has a history of PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, and OCD. (He's been to Iraq 2x). Our marriage counselor, his therapist, and case manager all think he is very volatile and could potentially be a danger to himself and/or others. I am so overwhelmed by all this because this is not the man I fell in love with. Any information or advice would be much appreciated.

Robert_325 · #2 03-17-2009, 01:44 AM

This is not normal behavior for someone going through rehab. Obviously a person who is detoxing is not going to be extremely congenial but if I was running a rehab and a patient attempted to hit one of my staff I would have them removed or restrained. There is no excuse for that unless he is suffering from some kind of mental/emotional problem as in perhaps something from Iraq or whatever. But what you describe is much too violent for a person simply detoxing. I also wondered about the possibility of him sneaking in drugs but they should be regularly checking him daily for drug toxicity in any rehab.

I can promise you that he hasn't taken any more drugs during his life than most of the rest of us here and I seldom speak to anyone who is in the state of mind your husband is in. It happens occasionally but not often. I would like to know the results of the tests your husband is having done before I make any other comments on his situation. This isn't normal I promise.

As for the suboxone they are now giving him, I am always working with close to ten people at any given time on this forum taking suboxone. He should be starting to smooth out some after the induction which should not take any longer than five days max. Let me know what happens tomorrow. God bless.

hadenough2009 · #3 03-17-2009, 10:58 PM

Thank you for your reply Robert_325. I went for a family session with one of the therapists at my husband's facility today. (After some discussion, they decided to give him another chance, so they're letting him stay). When I first got there, he was very alert and wide eyed. I haven't seen him that alert in probably two months. We began discussing what his goals are and what he thinks my concerns are. The only goal he could discern was for me to "not be afraid of him anymore". But that seems more like a goal for me, not for him. He still couldn't admit without some prompting that sobriety was his ultimate goal. He simply won't give a direct answer when asked a question. The therapist asked him when the last time was that he remember being completely clean, no drugs, pills, alcohol, nothing. He said sometime after he finished his initial military training, 6 years ago. Toward the end of the conversation, he had reverted back to his glazed over, intoxicated behavior. I noticed it, but didn't say anything bc I wanted to see if the therapist would say anything. She did. She asked him, "Do you notice that you started this session very alert and now you're slurring your speech and you're not keeping your eyes open?" He answered that he didn't notice. It was really weird. They drug tested him and there's nothing in his system that's not supposed to be. I stayed after the family session and sat in on a group session. One of the therapists taught EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It was quite interesting and I believe it would have benefited my husband immensely had he stayed awake. The session lasted about an hour and 15 minutes. I sat beside and slightly behind my husband so I could watch him without making it obvious that was what I was doing. It was a very interactive session that involved a lot of movement. Even if I had been desperately sleep deprived, I could have stayed awake. He would start out doing the motions and would fall asleep in the middle of what he was doing. Then I would tap him on the shoulder and he'd be awake long enough to reach down and fiddle with his notebook and pen or play with his knee brace, then he was back asleep. I am very frustrated. I just don't see how he will get anything out of this if he doesn't snap out of it. Sigh.

hadenough2009 · #4 03-18-2009, 11:08 AM

I talked to husband on the phone last night and he was very hateful to me. I've never seen him treat me that way, even when he first came into detox and was mad at the world. He has never spoken to me this way and it was very alarming. He said the whole time I was visiting yesterday that I was a b----. I don't recall being that way, but maybe it was something I said because when the therapist asked me to tell my husband what my concerns were, I did. I was honest, but not mean. Maybe he thought I was a b---- bc I kept waking him up in group. I'm honestly not sure. I asked him if he remembered what we discussed as far as goals and what he needs to work on. He couldn't, or said he couldn't. I asked him how he remembers football stats and can't remember his recovery goals. He said sh-- happens. What kind of answer is that? I'm lost. It's like someone took over my husband's body and possessed him with another personality. I don't want to betray my wedding vows, but I don't know how much more of this I can deal with. I have an 8-year-old son from my first marriage and I refuse to let my husband act this way in front of him. I don't want my son to think it's okay to talk to women like my husband does.

Robert_325 · #5 03-18-2009, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

I talked to husband on the phone last night and he was very hateful to me. I've never seen him treat me that way, even when he first came into detox and was mad at the world. He has never spoken to me this way and it was very alarming. He said the whole time I was visiting yesterday that I was a b----. I don't recall being that way, but maybe it was something I said because when the therapist asked me to tell my husband what my concerns were, I did. I was honest, but not mean. Maybe he thought I was a b---- bc I kept waking him up in group. I'm honestly not sure. I asked him if he remembered what we discussed as far as goals and what he needs to work on. He couldn't, or said he couldn't. I asked him how he remembers football stats and can't remember his recovery goals. He said sh-- happens. What kind of answer is that? I'm lost. It's like someone took over my husband's body and possessed him with another personality. I don't want to betray my wedding vows, but I don't know how much more of this I can deal with. I have an 8-year-old son from my first marriage and I refuse to let my husband act this way in front of him. I don't want my son to think it's okay to talk to women like my husband does.

Your son was in your life before your husband. I totally believe that spouses need to be loyal to each other first and above anyone else. But when you have a child going into a marriage that child is your first responsibility. If your husband won't participate constructively then he needs to go. It's that simple.

I'm not saying blow him off today. But just keep in mind that what he does and says WILL affect your son's future, so your concerns are valid and serious. So I would make it plain to your husband that his childish antics blaming the world for his mistakes are going to cost him his wife if it doesn't stop and stop fast! He's acting like a jerk. Does he think no one but him ever had a freakin drug problem?

If you were my sister or my daughter I would tell you to give it some time while he is in rehab for him to get it together. Cut him a little slack while he is in there. But when he gets out and if he continues this behavior I would rid myself of him so fast his head would spin. That's my honest and most sincere advice. You and your son don't need this trash in your life. It's easier to be miserable alone than to have someone else making it worse. Good luck and God bless.

mpvt · #6 03-18-2009, 12:24 PM

This man is suffering some mental problems and I would hope the rehab is able to diagnose and treat. I have known a few people who suffer from a form of siezure that changes their personality. They look and act impaired ect. He is also showing obvious signs of denial and this really needs to be worked on or he's going to be using as soon as he's able to get ahold of something.
Where is his anger stemming from?? Also when did he gets this huge chip on his shoulder. I know I was very nasty and had a big chip on my shoulder when I was actively abusing opiates. I hated everyone and was constantly pissed off because I couldn't get high anymore, no matter what I took or how much I just couldn't feel any pleasure.
I believe that I suffer from some form of a endorphin deficiency and this is one of the big reasons that opiates made me feel well for a few years.
Your husband sounds like he has a definate deficiency problem but the buprenorphene (suboxone, subutex) should help that.
Is he on any mood altering drugs at the clinic\rehab?? If he is just on suboxone then they really need to have a physical look at his brain and see if there is something going on that shouldn't be.

It is normal for someone in a detox situation to be angry and nasty to love ones. Becoming sedated like for no apparent reason causes me concern and I hope they look into this. These rehabs are generally very good and thorough.

I agree with Robert that you should cut him some slack but your children have to be your number one concern. Good luck, we are thinking of you and are here if you need us....Take care..Dave

Robert_325 · #7 03-18-2009, 02:07 PM

Dave is correct about something possibly going on here with a mental problem, possibly a chemical imbalance of some kind or something like that. They need to be doing some testing on him. The cognitive therapy is good but I should have brought this up as Dave did. It seems likely there is more going on here than him just having a bad attitude. Let us know how it goes. God bless.

hadenough2009 · #8 03-18-2009, 04:23 PM

Thanks guys. They have done an MRI and EEG in the past week, but I've only heard mention of "a few white areas" whatever that means. It's apparently not of any immediate concern as the doctor has not contacted me to discuss these tests. Maybe he just hasn't had time yet. Like I said in my first post, my husband definitely has PTSD and that is where I believe the anger is coming from, but I'm not sure. He also had a TBI about 4 years ago when he got into a bar fight. He was kicked in the head multiple times and was unconscious for a while (no one seems to know exactly how long). He only remembers waking up in the hospital. I know TBIs can cause the type of behavior he's showing, but I'm having trouble with accepting that he has absolutely no control over his behavior. I'm going to try to cut him some slack bc I know I have high expectations of him and I tend to overestimate people rather than underestimate them. As for the chip on his shoulder, it has been there to a certain extent since he was a teenager. He was a jock in high school and apparently had a lot of female attention so his ego outgrew him. I think the other problems he is having are just exacerbating his huge ego. He has a very high opinion of himself physically, but it's not like a normal person just having high self esteem, it's more like narcissism to me. It's like he's in love with himself. He looks in the mirror almost everyday and says "Man I look good. You (comment directed at me) know how lucky you are to have someone that looks this good?" It's just weird. One night, before the most recent bout in rehab, I told him he had to either get clean or I was going to divorce him. So he took that as I was going to divorce him, so he proceeded to get all decked out and go out to the strip club since "he was about to be single." I'm not sure what reaction he wanted from me, but apparently he didn't get it. I don't get jealous especially when someone is obviously trying so hard to achieve jealousy. He stood in front of the mirror for about 30 minutes admiring himself before he left. Well, he came home at 4pm the next day. Wow. I don't know what he did. I don't think he even knows what he did. I do know that I found two empty fifths of liquor in his truck. He spent $350 that night, mostly at the strip club. The rest was taken out of an ATM possibly to buy pills. The night he came home, he was passed out on the couch. A stripper he met started texting him to come hang out with her. Inappropriate! But whatever. Usually, I don't invade on my husband's privacy, but I wanted to know what the heck he did. I looked through all his texts and he had sent several to his ex-girlfriend telling her he wanted to come see her (she lives in NY, we live in CO), that he still loves her and wants her to have his children, and that he wanted her to send him naked photos of herself. I don't think she did it; if she did he erased them. I apologize for my digression, but I feel it's a good example of his destructive behavior when he's intoxicated. It has been my entire life's goal to stay away from drama and ******** like this, but here I am.

Robert_325 · #9 03-18-2009, 05:43 PM

This guy is a total jerk. I can't believe women tolerate being treated like that. He needs a really good bi tch-slapping up side of his head if you ask me. After he hits the ground a couple of good kicks to his face would be suitable. He wouldn't be so pretty in the mirror afterwards. Why in the world would you tolerate being degraded like this? He is a freakin loser.

hadenough2009 · #10 03-19-2009, 01:27 AM

I don't want to tolerate it. I'm trying to give him a chance to clean up his act, but he's not taking it seriously. I talked to him on the phone again tonight and, as before, he sounded alert when the converation began, but by the end, he was talking about crazy sh-- like the $ menu at McDonalds and how he was going to take my son to an air show this weekend (he's in rehab and isn't going anywhere near my son). Then he started just talking complete jibberish. So I said okay I've had enough, I'm getting off the phone. Then he snapped out of it and acted like he had no idea why I wanted to get off the phone. So we tried to keep talking and it happened again. It's ridiculous. Could he be doing it on purpose? If so, why would he do it? I just don't know at what point I can say I've tried all I can and pack my things, take my son, and leave. Not to mention we live 1400 miles from any of my friends or family (husband's in military), and I don't have money to travel on bc the military will not pay for our move. I feel stuck. I have always been a strong person and I feel that I am enabling his behavior by staying. There are also financial issues that could arise if I leave. My husband will be in rehab for at least 4 more weeks (doc's estimate). There will be no one to take care of the apt, bills, etc. when I go. So should I just wait until he gets out and then leave? If I do that, I'm afraid of what he'll do. At least if I leave now, he can't come after me. Ugh, I feel like a loser right now.

Robert_325 · #11 03-19-2009, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

I don't want to tolerate it. I'm trying to give him a chance to clean up his act, but he's not taking it seriously. I talked to him on the phone again tonight and, as before, he sounded alert when the converation began, but by the end, he was talking about crazy sh-- like the $ menu at McDonalds and how he was going to take my son to an air show this weekend (he's in rehab and isn't going anywhere near my son). Then he started just talking complete jibberish. So I said okay I've had enough, I'm getting off the phone. Then he snapped out of it and acted like he had no idea why I wanted to get off the phone. So we tried to keep talking and it happened again. It's ridiculous. Could he be doing it on purpose? If so, why would he do it? I just don't know at what point I can say I've tried all I can and pack my things, take my son, and leave. Not to mention we live 1400 miles from any of my friends or family (husband's in military), and I don't have money to travel on bc the military will not pay for our move. I feel stuck. I have always been a strong person and I feel that I am enabling his behavior by staying. There are also financial issues that could arise if I leave. My husband will be in rehab for at least 4 more weeks (doc's estimate). There will be no one to take care of the apt, bills, etc. when I go. So should I just wait until he gets out and then leave? If I do that, I'm afraid of what he'll do. At least if I leave now, he can't come after me. Ugh, I feel like a loser right now.

I apologize if my reply made you feel worse like it appears that it probably did.

My apology is sincere, you've got enough to deal with at this time without me adding to your grief. I just so hate to see people being treated abusively by addict spouses. I'm also beginning to be concerned about you and your son's safety based on things your husband has done and said that you're telling us about.

I know you're trying to give him a chance to change for the better during treatment just like when we previously talked about cutting him some extra slack while he's in rehab. I commend you for your commitment to trying to help him. But the junk you were talking about with him and the text messages to his ex wanting naked pictures and her to have his baby, having strippers texting him, etc, just set me off. I don't even really know how to reply to all that. He just doesn't sound to me like anyone who is capable of caring about you to me whether he was drunk or sober. He was not in detox while all that was happening although if he has a mental issue that hasn't been discovered yet that could be a contributing factor. I can only imagine his reaction if YOU had spent $350 in a women's strip bar and were sending/receiving similar text messages.

I will be honest with you about one thing though that seriously bothers me with this deal. You mentioned leaving while he was still in rehab because you were kind of afraid of what he might do once he got out. To quote you specifically, "My husband will be in rehab for at least 4 more weeks (doc's estimate). There will be no one to take care of the apt, bills, etc. when I go. So should I just wait until he gets out and then leave? If I do that, I'm afraid of what he'll do. At least if I leave now, he can't come after me. Ugh, I feel like a loser right now."

You are not a loser! You're struggling with the current circumstances of your life, but this situation doesn't have to be permanent. No one is stuck anywhere, there is always a way to do the right thing. Just remember to stay focused on doing what is best for your son. An 8 year old isn't really able to look out for himself, he needs his mom. I will keep you guys in my prayers. God bless.

hadenough2009 · #12 03-22-2009, 10:34 PM

Can opiate/benzo abuse cause brain damage? I know I've mentioned my husband's bizzare behavior, but it's getting weirder. I talked with his dad a couple of days ago. My husband apparently told his dad that I had brought my son and our dog to visit him. Well, that never happened. My husband knows that I do not plan to bring my son there and he also knows that dogs aren't allowed. I wasn't even there the day he told his dad we came. When his dad asked me how the visit went, I was really confused and said, "what visit?" His dad said he thinks my husband truly believes we were there. He said he was all excited and happy. He even told his dad that I had taken the dog to get washed and groomed before we came. I have never taken the dog to get groomed. I asked my husband about it and he doesn't remember ever telling his dad that. So I don't know if this could have been a hallucination or a result of brain damage. What kinds of tests can reveal brain damage? My husband had a traumatic brain injury about 4 years ago, but no brain damage was ever found. Has anyone ever seen this type of thing in someone in week 2 of a 4 week recovery program? Or could he just be messing with us?

magsj · #13 03-23-2009, 05:00 PM

Hi, I happened onto your thread today and, in all honesty, am horrified by what is happening to you and your son. I know you want to be supportive of your husbands attempts at sobriety, etc. BUT, this situation sounds like it is far from being something YOU can fix. I am no expert, but I have worked in different capacities of the medical field all of my adult life and It sounds to me like your husband either has some form of brain damage or disorder, possibly exacerbation of his PTSD, boderline personaliaty disorder, something more organic, OR, he has just become a very selfish, abusive human being. From what you have written, it sounds to me like his problems are FAR to extensive for YOU or rehab alone to solve.

You and your son's safety is what concerns me. I think you and your son could ultimately be in great danger and I urge you to find a safe, supportive place to stay. I hate to be so negative, but from what you describe I am not optimistic about your husband's furture, to put it bluntly. Both you and your son deserve some peace.

mags

hadenough2009 · #14 03-24-2009, 11:06 AM

I have begun to realize that my husband's success does not rest on my shoulders, it rests on his. He is in his 18th day of rehab, which is supposed to be a 28-day program. As it looks now, he will be there an extra 2 weeks because he's had to repeat both week 1 and week 2. His mood is better than when he first started, but they are tapering him off the Subutex before he leaves rehab. So I'm not sure what that will do to his mood. I talk to the staff about 2x a week to get their input on his progress. Most recently, they said he's more alert, but he's very quiet and doesn't actively participate in group unless he's prompted. I think it's kind of scary because he is generally not a quiet person. Also, when I talk on the phone to him, no matter what time of day it is, he starts acting weird. Sometimes it's through the entire conversation and sometimes it starts toward the middle or end. He slurs, sounds drunk, and talks about things that make no sense. The only meds he is on at this point is Subutex (he's well past the induction period), Tylenol 325, Nexium (for stomach), and Lisinipril (BP). None of these meds should cause this should they? Subutex is the only new med he's on. The staff is still concerned that he snuck in drugs and that he is self medicating when needed. How often and how much percocet would he have to take for it to show on a drug test? I asked the staff if they are suspicious of this, why don't they test him. They have and it hasn't shown up. Judging by my husband's behavior and lack of initiative, I believe he will go back to using when he gets out of rehab. I've seen it before. I am quietly planning my exit. My hometown is 1400 miles away, so I am saving money (mostly our tax refund) because I had to quit my job when my husband went into rehab. I was working nights and he is the only person I had to stay with my son while I worked. I'm not being honest with him about leaving because I'm afraid he will somehow make sure I don't have access to his money to pay bills. I am a little afraid that when he finds out that he will come looking for me. He knows where my family lives and I don't want him dragging them into the drama. Now I am sitting here wondering how I got myself into this mess.

hadenough2009 · #15 03-24-2009, 11:50 PM

I have a question about Subutex. I hear it is the new "miracle drug" but I've heard horror stories about it as well. My husband is currently on it (4mg 2x/day I think). Is it a good idea for an addict like him who has a history of self medicating to stay on this very long? At first, they planned on tapering him off before he left rehab, but his doctor is writing a recommendation that he remain on it when he is discharged. Also, is it a narcotic or isn't it? I keep getting conflicted information. Is it habit forming? If so, isn't it just replacing the meds that my husband is in rehab for? Okay this turned into more than one question. Any input based on experience would be great. Thanks!

musicman48 · #16 03-25-2009, 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

I have a question about Subutex. I hear it is the new "miracle drug" but I've heard horror stories about it as well. My husband is currently on it (4mg 2x/day I think). Is it a good idea for an addict like him who has a history of self medicating to stay on this very long? At first, they planned on tapering him off before he left rehab, but his doctor is writing a recommendation that he remain on it when he is discharged. Also, is it a narcotic or isn't it? I keep getting conflicted information. Is it habit forming? If so, isn't it just replacing the meds that my husband is in rehab for? Okay this turned into more than one question. Any input based on experience would be great. Thanks!

1. Suboxone is best used temporarily " 6 to 8 weeks for detox only.However in some extreme case's long term "maintenance suboxone therapy is necessary.2.Yes it is can be habit forming for addicts.3. Yes this is considered opiate replacement therapy however it is easier to taper off of suboxone than other opiates.it dose not produce the euphoric "high" that other opiates produce.It worked for me.I have been totally clean for several months.Hope this helps.

Lost83 · #17 03-25-2009, 09:49 AM

I've read your thread and I think you are doing the best thing for both you and your son. You appear to be terrified of this man and rightfully so. The first thing I thought was a personality disorder. His behavior is just too bizarre. And your speculation that he is probably going to begin using as soon as he gets out sounds right on from the way you describe him. What does the military have to say about all this?

We as the loved one of the addict have a softer place in our heart for them than those on the outside so you are not a loser for trying to help him. You can't help someone who doesn't want it although it appears there is much more going on here than the addiction. Hopefully they will find whatever is triggering this odd behavior and treat it accordingly.

The way he treats you and talks to you is obviously unacceptable and you know that. I commend you for putting your son first and getting out of there. He needs to get himself together before he can coexist with anyone, no one deserves to be treated that way, not you, staff in the rehab, etc.

You have a long hard road ahead, keep your self sane, don't consume your life with his addiction/problems. He has not reached his bottom yet and until that day comes where he openly admits to having a problem and openly seeks and accepts help, unfortunately this cycle is going to keep repeating itself. I will pray for you and your family.

hadenough2009 · #18 03-30-2009, 10:55 AM

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few days, but thought I would update on my husband's progress. In the past week, his behavior has improved a lot and he's being more receptive to his treatment. This change started when they confronted him and threatened to discharge him and leave it to the military's discretion what to do with him. I want to believe that he's changing because he wants to, but I'm afraid he's just changing on the surface just to get the rehab over with and get on with his life. My trust for him is gone, so even though he's coherent and says he wants to get better, I don't believe him. He's told me that so many times before that it doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. I think he's fooling everyone. He's not stupid and he's a great liar. That's all I've known from him is lies. I know that I can't be sure either way and that our marriage is going to end because I can't trust him. I guess I'm having a hard time feeling okay about my decision to end the marriage because he's acting normal (well, kind of) now. I still want to end the marriage, but am I wrong for that? He is planning on having an elective knee surgery as soon as he gets out of rehab because he says he has a torn meniscus (hasn't been confirmed by the doctor). I am really afraid this surgery will be his pathway to relapse.

Robert_325 · #19 03-30-2009, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few days, but thought I would update on my husband's progress. In the past week, his behavior has improved a lot and he's being more receptive to his treatment. This change started when they confronted him and threatened to discharge him and leave it to the military's discretion what to do with him. I want to believe that he's changing because he wants to, but I'm afraid he's just changing on the surface just to get the rehab over with and get on with his life. My trust for him is gone, so even though he's coherent and says he wants to get better, I don't believe him. He's told me that so many times before that it doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. I think he's fooling everyone. He's not stupid and he's a great liar. That's all I've known from him is lies. I know that I can't be sure either way and that our marriage is going to end because I can't trust him. I guess I'm having a hard time feeling okay about my decision to end the marriage because he's acting normal (well, kind of) now. I still want to end the marriage, but am I wrong for that? He is planning on having an elective knee surgery as soon as he gets out of rehab because he says he has a torn meniscus (hasn't been confirmed by the doctor). I am really afraid this surgery will be his pathway to relapse.

I obviously don't know your husband's knee condition. He can have the torn cartilidge confirmed by an orth surgeon. I've personally had five knee operations. I can tell you this about knee ops and opiate addicts. He would not be the first one to insist on a knee scope to get pain meds. But a GOOD surgeon will only give him a small amount of meds following a knee scope and for ONLY a few days. That would be just enough to throw him into a relapse.

If I had to have another knee scope today even with some serious clean time I would take the meds for a day then I would tough it out with Ibuprofen. That's just me because I don't want to go back to where I came from. So take it from someone who's had several knee scopes he won't need a bunch of opiates over this. If he insists on it he's blowing smoke. God bless.

Lost83 · #20 03-30-2009, 12:00 PM

Only you can decide when you've had your fill but from your description of him, he sounds extremely abusive and you sound scared. Especially with a child in the house I would book it out of there until he gets it together. Unless for some reason you are blowing this out of proportion when you post otherwise, you know what he is capable of and are obviously scared of what he may do so put your son first and do what is necessary to keep him safe. Only you know what that next step is even if deep down it's not what you want, it doesn't have to be forever or even result in divorce but protecting your son from this madness is imperative to his well being not to mention yours.

FreedomForMe · #21 03-30-2009, 12:26 PM

I also have been in a similar position my first husband was into drugs, I went through 3 different month long drug treatment programs, move to a different state thinking that would help, no such luck. We had 2 beautiful boys together and they were what I needed to protect. After the 3rd program (hoping it had worked) I got pregnant with our 2nd son, my Mom was diagnosed with Cancer and I really wanted to give it a try. Well to make a long story short I had my 2nd son who was born with a heart challenge and we needed to wait for him to get a little older before he would have open heart surgery (he made it to 7 months before surgery) my mom past away 3months to the day after my son was born which sucked and my exhusband was out doing drugs and being with hookers while he was suppose to be sitting at the hospital with our son and I was home with the other son (we would trade off nights) anyways there is more to the story but the moral is I new I needed to leave him but emotional just could not handle it so i did the best i could until I was ready and I did my sons were 1 and 3 when I left and that was after he had told his mom he was going to take all of us and drive off a cliff. The end of the story is he OD on Christmas Eve 1999. You will know when it is time believe me my time was when I could tell my kids I had done everything possible to save our marriage and I have no regrets and now they are 19 and 21 and they know I did everything.

Best of luck and enjoy today

Julie

magsj · #22 03-30-2009, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few days, but thought I would update on my husband's progress. In the past week, his behavior has improved a lot and he's being more receptive to his treatment. This change started when they confronted him and threatened to discharge him and leave it to the military's discretion what to do with him. I want to believe that he's changing because he wants to, but I'm afraid he's just changing on the surface just to get the rehab over with and get on with his life. My trust for him is gone, so even though he's coherent and says he wants to get better, I don't believe him. He's told me that so many times before that it doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. I think he's fooling everyone. He's not stupid and he's a great liar. That's all I've known from him is lies. I know that I can't be sure either way and that our marriage is going to end because I can't trust him. I guess I'm having a hard time feeling okay about my decision to end the marriage because he's acting normal (well, kind of) now. I still want to end the marriage, but am I wrong for that? He is planning on having an elective knee surgery as soon as he gets out of rehab because he says he has a torn meniscus (hasn't been confirmed by the doctor). I am really afraid this surgery will be his pathway to relapse.

Hadenough-

I hope you continue with your plans to take your son and get to a safe place. Upon reading your last post, about your husband wanting knee surgery or arthroscopy as soon as he gets out, the red flags went up. He has not even had a diagnosis made of a meniscal tear and he wants knee surgery. I agree with Robert, it sounds to me like he is already planning on a way to get pain medication. Believe me, I know an opiate addicts M.O.

I was married the first time when I was 17 years old to an emotionally immature, abusive man. By 20 I wanted out, thank g*d, but I thought it would be impossible to get out and I honestly thought life would never be good. Upon telling my husband I wanted to leave I was beaten badly, had a 357 magnum held to my head and was kept captive for about 40 hours until I was rescued by my mother (he called his mother and told her what he had done and she called my mother). I was stalked, suddently flown hundreds of miles away to my brothers, etc. I know this syndrome. BUT, it can be done. It took time for things to calm down but they did. During this time I could not even fathom the thought that life could or would ever get better. It did. I married a wonderful man and have been married for 30 years. The joy and happiness I felt upon meeting a man who was kind and caring is indescribable because I really began to think that all men were like my first husband. I am glad I had the courage to get out at 20 years old. I'm telling you this hoping you will see that life CAN get better and even wonderful (at times...hehehehe).

I know I am an opiate addict and not giving your husband much of a chance and maybe this isn't fair. Even under the influence of opiates I honestly don't think I ever abused my husband, I still did everything that needed to be done, BUT I know I was emotionally absent at times and probably not a lot of fun. I regret that deeply and have to struggle to not let the guilt get the best of me.

I wish you, your son (and your husband) the best. I do hope he gets well but in the meantime, get yourself to a safe and peaceful place.

hugs,
mags

Robert_325 · #23 03-30-2009, 12:45 PM

That's some really good advice ladies. It amazes me how many really good women tolerate guys that are abusive, liars, etc. Believe it or not there really ARE some good guys out there. And a real man doesn't treat a female like you all have described. If you're going to be miserable it's easier to do it alone than to have someone else making it worse for you. God bless.

Lost83 · #24 03-30-2009, 12:53 PM

Aye Aye Robert the quote I always repeat to myself when I feel like I NEED to save the day "I can do bad all by myself"

magsj · #25 04-01-2009, 01:30 AM

Hadenough:

Are you still out there? Just wondering how you are doing? If you get a chance let us know. Were thinking of you!

maggie

hadenough2009 · #26 04-02-2009, 11:38 AM

Hi Maggie. I'm still here. Not a whole lot going on here. I had another session with my husband and his therapist. She is happy that he is making progress, but is still concerned about his change in behavior from day to day. She says she has noticed that he does well in the mornings, but between lunch and bedtime, he acts very ugly sometimes such as cursing at the other patients and staff and just being apathetic in general. She is concerned about his ambivalence toward his recovery and sobriety. We just can't figure out what the deal is. All I can think of is that he's putting on a show. He just completed his 5th step in NA, but it's just like he's going through the motions. Anyway. My son and I will be moving back to Georgia to be with my family in a couple of months so we will be able to start over. My husband knows. He just acts like he doesn't really care. He says he plans to move to Massachusetts to live with his grandparents. Maybe that will be good for him. Thank you guys for taking the time to read my posts and reply to them. I know that they can be tedious at times.

Lost83 · #27 04-02-2009, 12:17 PM

Hadenough,

It's never tedious my friend, I do this because I like to. Type away whenever you feel the need.

I am glad to hear that you are being proactive and making plans to take you and your son out of this situation before it becomes worse. Are you going to be gone before he gets out?

Hang in there!

hadenough2009 · #28 04-04-2009, 08:33 PM

Hi everyone. I had another session with my husband and his therapist. It went okay until the point he shut down and wouldn't talk anymore. In our sessions, the therapist and I talk a lot, but husband (I'll call him "A" from now on to keep from having to type "my husband" every time.) never talks. He says he doesn't trust the therapist. (He also doesn't trust the other 3 therapists). But he won't talk when it's just he and I either. He had some answers to questions that are making me question why I even still around. The therapist asked him if he had any desire for revenge against anyone. Well, there was this girl he had a sexual relationship with before we met. While "A" and I were engaged, he remained in contact with her (not physically so he says) to get pills. She stole them from her parents to give to him. He would get on chat with her and basically have internet $ex with her and they even scheduled a time to meet to do the things they talked about in chat. He says it never happened and so does she, but I'm not convinced. I found one of the chat conversations archived on his computer, so that's how I know about it. I confronted her about it and she admitted to planning a meeting, but not going through with it. Anyway, back to the question about revenge. "A" says he wants to get revenge against this girl bc "she ruined his marriage" by admitting to the chat $ex while he denied it (even though I had proof). How did she ruin it? Was he not a participant also? He won't take responsibility. Also, the therapist asked him how he feels when he gets caught lying. His response is "Embarrassed bc I should've lied better." Does this sound like someone who is truly in recovery? He's sober right now, but I don't really believe he wants to be sober. He knows how to be sober bc of this program he's in, but I don't think he wants to be. I am worried about myself too, bc I am beginnning to feel almost hatred toward him. Every time I talk to him, I get pi$$ed for no reason it seems like. It's almost like the sound of his voice pi$$es me off. He says he wants to show me that he can change and be the person I fell in love with, but he's been saying that forever and he doesn't. He was even high on our wedding day. I didn't realize it until we were at the altar and I saw white powder in his nose from snorting percs. That's the first time I realized what exactly he was doing. I had seen the credit card he used to crush the pills and the dollar bill he used to snort them and the powder residue that was everywhere in his wallet, his pockets, etc, but I didn't truly accept what he was doing until I saw the powder in his nose that day. I talk to "A"'s parents quite often and they keep asking me "You're not going to leave him are you? You're going to give him a chance aren't you?" I keep telling them that I have given him chance after chance and I am just not sure I can go through anything else with him. I know they love me and my son and I hate to hurt anyone by leaving "A", but I don't want to be with him anymore. I just want to start over with just me and my son.

hadenough2009 · #29 04-04-2009, 08:36 PM

Lost: We will still be in town for about 3 weeks after he's done, but I told him he can't stay with us. He will have to find a sober living house to stay at or a friend to stay with until we leave. He keeps asking where we will be living when we move so he can send us money, but I don't think that's why he wants to know where we will be so I don't tell him. I seriously don't believe he would send us money anyway. Then he acts all hurt that I won't tell him. Blahhhhh.

magsj · #30 04-05-2009, 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

Lost: We will still be in town for about 3 weeks after he's done, but I told him he can't stay with us. He will have to find a sober living house to stay at or a friend to stay with until we leave. He keeps asking where we will be living when we move so he can send us money, but I don't think that's why he wants to know where we will be so I don't tell him. I seriously don't believe he would send us money anyway. Then he acts all hurt that I won't tell him. Blahhhhh.

Hadenough:

Good to hear from you. I am soooo glad you are planning on moving with your son. Honestly, from what you have written, I even worry about you staying in town for the 2 weeks when "A" gets out. He sounds very unpredictable and impulsive. Is there ANY way you and your son can be gone before he gets out. I know you think you can handle the situation for that amount of time, but based on your description of his mental state, I'm just afraid he might decide that he needs to get back at you for something he imagines you did to him. I may be scaring you but I'd rather have you scared and GO NOW than wait and have something awful happen. He just sounds to unpredictable.

I truly hope things go well for you and your son. Keep us posted.

mags


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