[Lost83]

Hadenough,

It just plain sounds like he doesn't give a shiz and that is sad. You know what you are doing, things will start to get better once you start over. Then all you have to worry about is yourself and your son. Stay strong and good luck.

[dalejrfan71]

Hi there Hadenough,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that your husband is putting you through this. He needs to "grow a set" and admit that he has a problem. You definitely don't deserve to be treated like garbage from this guy.

I also hate that he doesn't take rehab seriously, that it's a big joke to him. The joke will be on him when he either ends up in jail or in a drug deal gone bad. If I treated my wife like that, she would kick my sorry a$$ out the door and change the locks.

I hope that when you move he can't find you then he will be sorry for losing you.

[hadenough2009]

Hi everyone. I haven't been able to be on here as much lately bc of computer issues. I try to update after the sessions I go to at my husband's rehab. This session was with "A" (husband) and his PTSD therapist. We talked a lot about our marriage and I was able to talk about my anger a little. At first, I hadn't realized how angry I really was and it has become evident over the past few weeks that holding everything in is really hurting me. I've tried to act like nothing is going on when I'm around my son, church, and work and it became harder and harder. I do see a therapist once a week for about an hour, but that's just not enough. I just feel so alone in this. I feel ashamed that I allowed myself and my son into this situation so I just don't talk to anyone about it. It helps a lot to be able to vent here bc I know that all of you guys are so supportive. Anyway, I got a good bit off my chest at the last session and it made me feel a little better. The therapist asked me where I was in terms of the marriage. I told her and "A" that I have no intentions of returning to the marriage at this point. I have been walked over, taken advantage of, lied to, stolen from, and cheated on. It is too much for me to forget right now. There's also the fear that my son has already endured too much in terms of seeing "A" all messed up all the time. I basically said that "A" needs to get his life on track before he can even think about showing up on my doorstep. But the truth is, I don't know if I ever want to see him on my doorstep again. I'm not sure where all of this anger is coming from within me. I've never felt this much anger before at someone. I think I held it all back for so long during this whole relationship and marriage, and even now during rehab, it just can't be contained anymore. I don't want to blow up and take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it. I've just been in a terrible mood and I know people are thinking I'm a crazy woman. It's just so hard to feel this alone. It's just me and my son. We have no friends here bc I've spent all my time being "caretaker" for "A". I've had no chance to make friends other than co-workers, but they're just that...co-workers. All "A's" friends are either drug addicts or drunks. So we have no one to surround ourselves with other than at church and I don't want to be needy. Guys, I am so sorry for complaining like this. I've always been such a strong person and been the one to be there for other people. I've never been in a position to need the support of others. I guess I feel like I can say anything here bc it's anonymous and no one knows me. That makes it easier for me to talk about all of this. Anyway, "A's" doctor did an EEG and MRI and reported that there are white matter "changes" in his brain. This could be causing a lot of the memory loss he has and the doctor says it could have been caused by the drugs or from the TBI he suffered a few years back. I still don't understand what "white matter changes" mean. The doctor also wants "A" to continue on Suboxone for a year and a half after he completes rehab. Is that common? It seems like that's kind of a long time to have him on that. Won't he become dependent? Then he'll be back in the same boat although at least he won't be able to crush and snort them. Okay I feel like I'm rambling now, so off I go. I hope all of you have a Happy Easter tomorrow.

[dalejrfan71]

Hi hadenough2009,

You have every right to be pissed off at your husband. He has lied to you, stole from you, cheated on you etc. After reading all the posts that you have written I believe as well that he has no intention of remaining sober once he is released from rehab.

I can't believe that this jagoff treated you like sh*t. If you were my little sister I'd be kicking the living sh*t out of him. If I ever treated my wife like that there would be a line up of people that would want to kick my ass.

I have to agree with everyone here that for you and your son's safety that you need to get away from him. He sounds like a time bomb waiting to go off.

[brndout]

One thing that has always stuck with me from my years in therapy . My therapist asked: "if he never changed from this day forward would you want to be with him?"and I said, "No" and she said ,"theres your answer" I know it is gut wrenching and heartbreaking and I also know there is the fear he will clean uo for someone else.I hated that one. Please cut your loses and move on. Im not saying it will be easy but do what is right for you and tour son.Linda

[brndout]

He has never changed only gotten worse . Please dont sell yourself and your son short. After you make the break you will feel an incredible sense of peace . you running your life and only that is very freeing. and one day you will find someone who is happy to be -just that ,happy and thrilled that he could share a life with you and your son. It should be an honor and whoever you decide to share it with should be greatful -and you for them. It will happen.Linda

[hadenough2009]

Hi everyone. Back again. I didn't go to session this week because I am fed up with "A" speaking to me like I am inferior. He is pointing fingers at me and trying to not take any of the blame for all of this. I realize that addiction is a disease, but at what point does the addict start having to take responsibility for his actions while he is using? Can he always say that it's the addiction that made him do it and he didn't do it intentionally? He keeps telling me that if I understood addiction that I wouldn't blame him and want to leave him. He keeps telling me that I am not entitled to any of his money and that he will spend it how he wants. He also wants me to sign an agreement that he will only pay our truck payment for 6 more months and that I will take over payments after that. I haven't been able to work for a year except for a few hours a week that they are able to give me while my son is at school. Then he said he will report my truck stolen if I do not sign the paper. I am so sick of his threats and talking to me like I'm a piece of trash. He is no longer getting out of bed to attend his morning groups and when I talked to him last night, he sounded effed up again. I know I'm going to leave him, but he's trying to make it very difficult for me. He's trying to control me with my truck since he's the main person on the loan. I'm just the co-signer. I'm trying to get help from the military, but they don't seem very interested. Errrrrr.

[hadenough2009]

I am asking for you prayers please. I know that a few of you have been kind enough to have already included us in your prayers. Husband ("A") is regressing big time. I talked on the phone to the therapist today and she said he is refusing to get out of bed or to talk to any staff other than one PTSD therapist who is there Mon-Fri. She said something about "staff splitting". Not sure what that is. She said he is trying to be very manipulative. She expressed concern for the safety of myself and my son. I am going first thing Mon morning to get a no contact order from his commander. He is leaving rehab in 2 weeks bc there is nothing more they can do for him, so that way he won't be able to contact us or show up. If he does, I guess I just call 911. His therapist says he is really focused on the knee surgery he thinks he needs and that he will probably try to have it when he gets out and will be right back on pain meds. She told me not to let him know where we go when we leave. This is getting so ridiculously scary.

[relaybane]

i just read this entire thread and want to say sorry about the situuation you are in. However, it seems to me you have honored your vows and did the best you could, but as everyone is saying, now you must protect your son and yourself. Your husband engaged in many "deal breaking" actions and simply doesnt deserve someone like you. i hope he gets his stuff together, but frankly he doesnt seem motivated to and theres nothing you can do to change that..Emotionally disconnect and look after the guy that really needs you- your son..keep us all informed as its obvious a lot of people here care about you both and want to see you happy! good luck!

[magsj]

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

I am asking for you prayers please. I know that a few of you have been kind enough to have already included us in your prayers. Husband ("A") is regressing big time. I talked on the phone to the therapist today and she said he is refusing to get out of bed or to talk to any staff other than one PTSD therapist who is there Mon-Fri. She said something about "staff splitting". Not sure what that is. She said he is trying to be very manipulative. She expressed concern for the safety of myself and my son. I am going first thing Mon morning to get a no contact order from his commander. He is leaving rehab in 2 weeks bc there is nothing more they can do for him, so that way he won't be able to contact us or show up. If he does, I guess I just call 911. His therapist says he is really focused on the knee surgery he thinks he needs and that he will probably try to have it when he gets out and will be right back on pain meds. She told me not to let him know where we go when we leave. This is getting so ridiculously scary.

Dear Had (no pun intenteded)-

Hi, I have been following your thread and posting from time to time. I will get right to the point. Most of us here, having been addicted to drugs and truly understand the difficulties involved in getting clean, so if you husband is going to get some empathy, it would be from us!!! Having said this, it is clear that a) He isn't planning on stopping drugs, b) either has some mental illness or personality disorder, possibly exacerbated or caused from the drug use, and, most importantly c) IS A DANGER TO YOU AND YOUR SON. I commend you for doing everthing in your power to help him but it is time to think of yourself and your son. I know it is very important for a son to have his father around (same goes goes for daughters), but at this point I believe your husband is no asset to your son. This looks to me (and others who have responded) like a very DANGEROUS SITUATION. I may sound like I am being harsh, but I am very worried about you and your son's safety. Believe me, restraining orders will do nothing for you if your husband, in one of his fits of rage or drug-induced states decides to hurt you, or, God forbid you AND you son.

If I remember, you said you have family living quite a distance away. Is there ANY way you and you son can go live with them BEFORE he gets out? You may be thinking "well, that's easier said than done", but there is nothing MORE important right now than getting to a safe place. Most likely everything else can be dealt with later, preferably from a distance. I know how you are feeling and I have been there (I was abused by my first husband and when I tried to leave him was stalked, etc. etc. to the point that I had to, without any one knowing, drive to the airport and "disappear" for quite some time). It can be done.

Please, consider getting away from there. I am very concerned for you both and will continue to check in on you!

Hugs,
mags

[Robert_325]

I agree with mags. I sure hope that you will seek out some actual protection from this guy other than just a restraining order. There are TONS of cases where a restraining order was in place and it did nothing to actually protect anyone. All it does is provide legal grounds for prosecution if it's violated. I know that if you were my sister or daughter I would certainly be there wanting to help. I hope you turn to someone who can actually help to protect you. I wouldn't trust this guy to do ANYTHING he's supposed to do. God bless.

[dalejrfan71]

I have to agree with what everyone says as well. This guy sounds like a whack job and a ticking time bomb. Get away ASAFP and don't tell him ANYTHING! He sounds like he won't stop till he gets what he wants. Do you have any siblings that can help you move? If yes they would help you without hesitating and wouldn't care if you didn't have enough money.

[hadenough2009]

I just want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my posts and respond. It really means a lot to me that people who don't even know me will take time out to help me. I have really come to appreciate this community and when, God willing, I get myself and my son out of this mess, I will continue to visit. Thank you guys soooo much.

[magsj]

Originally Posted by hadenough2009

I just want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my posts and respond. It really means a lot to me that people who don't even know me will take time out to help me. I have really come to appreciate this community and when, God willing, I get myself and my son out of this mess, I will continue to visit. Thank you guys soooo much.

Dear Had-

Hope you are forging ahead with a plan. I am worried that you are signing off because maybe you don't want to hear what we have to say? From what you have described about your situation in your posts we can't help but be very worried about you.

Take care. I hope you and your son find some peace.

[hadenough2009]

Oh no, I just meant that I would still be around even after we get out of this mess. I didn't mean I was leaving until then. Didn't mean to confuse. This site has become my lifeline almost!! And I DO want to hear what everyone has to say! That's why I'm here. I just feel like I owe everyone my gratitutude that's all. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere (in terms of this site anyway)!

[hadenough2009]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to post a quick update. I now have a no-contact order against my husband through the military. He is not to contact me or my son in any way. I have good locks on my doors and both keys are in my possession. I signed a release for my therapist to talk to "A"'s battalion commander about the concerns I've expressed to her. She said they will possibly put him under 24-hour per day supervision until my son and I leave. Also, his rehab facility is considering not releasing him until we leave. Thankfully, other people are realizing that he is a potential danger to himself and others.

[dalejrfan71]

Thats great to hear about the no contact order. Also it's cool that the rehab facility might hold him until you move, that way you can get moved without him harrassing you. One thing I would suggest is to keep your new phone number unlisted just in case he tries to find it to call you.

[hadenough2009]

So, I got a call this morning informing me that "A" is being released tomorrow morning. That was news to me because he wasn't supposed to be released until Friday at the earliest. So I'm scrambling to get all his ******** together to take to his 1st Sgt so "A" won't try to come here. Like I said earlier, I have a no contact order in place and his chain of command is just looking for something to use to be able to kick him out of the military. So if he comes near me or my son, he's in hot water with the law and with the military. So pretty much same old same old. I predict he will be at the ER complaining about his knee within a week and he will get pills and have surgery soon after. Then it will be the same ******** all over again except I won't be here to save his a$$ again.

[tommyboy5]

after 15 years and two hip replacements multiple back surgeries and bone grafts exc.... i take meds just so i can still walk. and i weigh in access of 400 pounds.... i used to take alot of meds but now i do the bare min... everybodies pain is different.. nobody can judge another persons pain. i got to abusing my meds for a long time and i finally got a grip on it after years of abuse... all those years when i thought i needed the meds they ended up controlling me. now i control them. i had come to the point of almost wanting to die and get it over with.. i felt like god was punishing me for my past sins. then i realized that i have to go on living.. you just cant give up. the worst part about taking meds for pain. even if its a lortab a day. alot of people will be quick to judge you as a drug attict!!! my brother did. then about two months ago he fell and broke his hip. he asks me everyday. how in the hell do you deal with this constant pain? he has apoligized for being quick to judge. even doctors and esp.. nursing staff will treat you like a drug attict if you always complain about pain.. ;or take constant meds... its sad. almost to the point of wanting to become violant.. 15 years ago i didnt hurt constant and when i did i would just run through the e.r. and get a supply that would last me for months. now if you go to the e.r. it has gotten so bad that everybody is treated like a drug attict first then treated second.. why would anybody want to screw up their life by taking something they really dont need. even me at one time. i wished i would have never started because when you start hanging with the big boys and playing stupid games with youre meds or somebody elses you will dearly pay. i guarantee that. i had to go to detox about a year ago to start over and learn to take my meds right.. i was so sick i considered holding up a pharmacy.. hear i am a christian,husband,father of three,football coach, and i have never broken a law in my life other than my dog getting off its leash.. its true drug addiction can affict anybody!!!! first thing people need to realize is you cannot do it all by yourself. you have to have help. and even though you have a high tolerance to whatever drugs you are taking youre heart doesnt and sooner or later it will stop.. thats called o.d. you will use every excuse not to ask for help. especially when it comes to low income or child care. but when you die who will take care of those things then??? and the worst thing of all is that is the so called jacket that you will be buried in!!! people dont remember the great things you have done. when you die of a sudden over dose that is the first thing that is told about you for eternity... anyway i tried to self detox myself and instead of getting better i was getting sicker everyday,, when you go into detox off of any drug youre body is throwed into shock and you can die,, and yes alot of doctors dont even care. they feel like you deserve youre punishment and you will get over it and learn a serious lesson in life. wrong. it only makes you worse if you do not get help from pro people who are trained to take care of detoxing. not every doctor knows or cares to learn., but they can sure as hell give you the meds to become a drug attict. but when you screw up like i did.. they say well youre cut off. alot of pain med abusers go to different doctors during the month to get enough supply. then you are always carrying them with you even to the bathroom... or church. even though it may be a short trip to the store you dont feel secure unless you have gotten them on you at all times.. everybodies detox can be different.. my wife can go to bed and just sleep when she is detoxing with just a little sickness and just feeling bad for a few days. i on the other hand when i detox i start sweating and i cannot hardly breath im hot one second and freezing the next. uncontrollable diareah. pissing on my self even my sinus start draining and all i can do is blow snot. i know its gross but bare with me. every nerve in my body starts to awake and it feels like my body is trying to come out of its skin. i cannot sleep for days on end. even my pulse rate goes up like im running a marathon. imagine the worst case of flu that you have ever had and times it by 500 hundred thats what it feels like to me. i am suicidal,, angry,,and sorry all at the same time.. i can barely even sit still and talk. you feel like you are having a heart attack!!! and just think all it takes to stop these few symtoms is that one pill that you are addicted to!!!!! you might say well i have a strong will power i can do anything, then why is it that you dont lose weight. or jog five miles a day?? or give up caffeine?? pop candy exc... or quit smoking?? you dont get sick when you try to lose weight. but it bugs the hell out of you i know i lost over a hundred pounds one time. all i thought about was food. its the same with drugs only the worst weakness you will ever have. its sad that the same thing that helps you with one thing hurts you in another... i call drug addiction waking up to reality.. when you get like me and the meds no longer work but you take them still just to keep from getting sick.. then thats not living. if you plan on being sick next week just because you are running out early and youre meds are still two weeks away before you can get a refill then there is a problem. i know. ok you might say enough of this bull******** how do you control youre meds. ask youre pharmacist to only give you like a week supply at a time or doctor, they can put a special note on youre perscription to you pharmacist.. this will help some people. not all but it helps me.. also quit carrying them with you every damn place you go., if you plan on going shopping then leave them at home, that way you put yourself on a schedule and if you dont have them on you then you cannot break it. or at least till you get youre wife out of wal-mart!! thats a little joke but my wife can stay for hours in that damn store and come out with only one thing.. ha ha. but really the point about that is if you hold off even just five minutes longer between youre scheduled dose then youre body will slowly ween itself off... thats the trick. slowly weening yourself off. its so much safer that way than just going cold turkey after taking lethal doses for so long. it will also work with cigarettes. everyday count youre cigs. and then cut back just one cig or a half everyday and then before you know it you are off of them completely.. pop is one of my biggest addictions.. i can drink about a case a day if i dont watch it.. sad but true. now listen people i am a drug attict in recovery not a health care pro. so you can listen to what i say but do what a doctor tells you,, its just that this helps me to stay in control of my drug addiction and control my pain.. drugs are like candy or pop. when you find that certain one that makes you feel the best you ever have in youre life. then thats the one you become addicted to!!!!! its like when you go to the store and you think that you are thirsty as hell. what brand of drink do you grab everytime??? and say you drink pepsi and i bring home doctor pepper. you know damn well that you are going to be pissed off and probably not even drink the damn thing!!! its the same with drugs. i like oxycontin.. if i take lortabs or morphine i feel like ********. people i used to chew up about 80 mil. at a time!!! then take about three percocet with it. then in about four hours do it all again. im so lucky to be alive. no matter how long im off of oxy i still think about it everyday.. and if you have taken high doses for a long time. this two or three day detox that some people or doctors tells you will happen. is bull ********!! try over thirty days of feeling sick as a dog. and it takes alot longer to get rid of youre tolerance to drugs. just so you can go back to taking the minumem dose that you first started with... i have helped other people get the help that they needed i didnt try and doctor them myself.. there is meds they can give you in a detox program to help with youre withdrawels. its sad to say but some people have to take them the rest of their life.. what i hear alot on the internet is well taking one drug instead of the other is just as bad...i beg the damn differ.. if you are taking the right dose of something that helps you keep from abusing another then what in the hell is the sin??? like methadone. it kills my withdrawels but it doesnt make me high. and it worked perfect.. but if you ever want to stop it then you have to ween yourself off because it is a narcotic. usually heroin addicts take it instead. like oxy abusers to. oxy is synthetic heroin. it works great if you are terminal and plan on dying quick. but just to use for pain management. i wont take it. thank you for youre time. once again im not a pro. or know it all just a severe pain sufferer and drug attict at the same time. you dont have to listen but take as food for thought from somebody who has been there..... thank you once again and im sorry for the mispelling..

[hadenough2009]

I appreciate your reply Tommyboy. I realize that some people take pain meds for their whole life. I am, however, not convinced that people necessarily HAVE to. There is a difference in taking the prescribed amount and taking a month's worth of percs in one week or less and snorting them while you're at it. That's what my husband does. He also takes Xanax by the dozen at a time. If he has no pills, he drinks and smokes cigars. He replaces, he doesn't quit. He has put my life and the life of my son in jeopardy by driving with us in the car while he's high. I've had to make him pull over just about every time he drives to the point where I wouldn't allow him to drive with me or my son in the car ever. He came very close to getting kicked out of the Army and I don't think he can hold down any other job. Even being so close to the end of rehab, he speaks to me like I'm a dog and that I did something so terrible to him by getting his chain of command to force him into 8 weeks of rehab. I know you can't force someone to get sober, but I honestly believe that he would be dead if he hadn't gone. Anyway, all of the sentiments that you spoke in your reply do not exist in my husband. He is a resentful, hurtful, arrogant jerk. He doesn't care how he hurts anyone as long as he gets his way. And I'm done with him. I wish you luck on your journey and I hope you get to a point where carrying your pills with you isn't as necessary as making sure you have your wallet with you. I do realize that people have this insecurity. There is a difference between an addict who wants to be sober and an addict that does not. I can't say I know what it's like to have that constant "need" for pain meds. I have chronic back pain from a car accident where I was rear ended at 70mph and our car wasn't moving. So we got the entire 70 mph impact. I took vicoden for a month as prescribed. Then, I went to physical therapy for 2 months, got a tens unit, and a script for 800mg motrin. To this day, that's all I take. I'm sure my pain isn't as intense as hip replacement surgery or anything, but it's painful nonetheless.

[tommyboy5]

im sorry for youre troubles. i have just signed up and i wanted to write something about my life and i guess i fell under youre story. i am so sorrry i didnt even read youre story before i wrote mine. im still trying to figure this computer out. anyway once again im sorrry. i grew up in a violant family. we live in oklahoma but i was born in flint michigan. my parents did things that i could never forget. my father commited suicide when he raped my sister. and my mother died from a over dose in later years of drug abuse. i can still remember the beatings. no one can tell you what to do. only you, its weird how people can be treated with great passion and cant keep somebody and others can be so abused and stay forever.. my first wife had a serious drug addiction. with meth. i was 19 at the time and working for the rail road. i had a huge life insurance policy on my life. then for some reason that enter voice told me to get away. i listened . it saved my life. she had put a hit out on me and made the mistake of hiring a under cover agent!!!! yes i could have legally killed her. i think. i dont know southern laws on spouse hits. ha ha just a little joke to a horrible situation. anyway i listened to that enter voice and got out while i still could/ now im happily married with three kids im fixing to become a grandfather and im abused the legal way.

[hadenough2009]

Don't ever hesitate to reply to my posts or anyone else's! That's why we're here! Everyone on this site is very friendly and helpful. I didn't mean to come across in a negative way. I'm just sooo stressed out. I am glad that you are happy now. And it sounds like you are very excited to be a grandpa! I guess at first I took your reply as trying to talk me out of leaving my husband and now I realize that isn't the case at all. No worries. Take care and keep us all updated! = )