I hope somebody can help me.
I am 42 years old, and I have been depressed my whole life. I believe that in my younger days, alot of my problems were because of my weight. I was about 120 pounds overweight in middle school and high school. I stayed overweight until I was about 30. I did a low carb diet and lost all of my weight. I have kept it off for the last 12 years.
Back to my younger days: I literally had no friends in school. I am a very shy person and even today, I am shy to talk to people. I have friends now, and they have been friends for 10+ years. I think they are my true friends.
I think that people did not want to be my friend in school because of my weight. I went through school hearing comments all the time about my weight and how fat I am. For all 4 years in high school, I always sat at a lunch table by myself. This was embarassing, to see people in my community where I live, walk by my lunch table and wonder why I am by myself. Most of the people in my community where I lived were a couple of years younger than me, so we didn't really hang out. And when they would see me sitting at a lunch table myself, it made me feel bad because they were seeing me alone and did not want to sit with me.
In my last 2 years of high school, I would go to the library during my lunch break, just to sit there and pretend like I am reading a book. I didn't want everyone to know the real reason is because I had no friends. I would get a table in the school library and grab some books and pretend like I was reading them. I used to sit up there and think that once high school is over, I wouldn't have to deal with this depression and I won't have to worry about sitting with anyone at lunch anymore.
I used to get beaten up alot when walking home from school. "Bullies" knew that I was vulnerable and knew there was nothing I could do. I begged my parents to drive me home from school on days when I was threatened. They just kept telling me to fight back. This still hurts me to this day, that they would not help me. I would sometimes have to drop my bookbag and just run. Many times people would catch me and beat me up. The only thing that hurt more than the punches was seeing people in my community laughing at me because I was getting beaten up and could not outrun them.
One time, I was punched so hard on the side of my head, that it swelled up. I was dizzy for 2 days. At this point, my parents saw that I really did get beaten up so they called the principal at the school. All he did was talk to the guy who did it. He didn't even get written up.
I was so depressed in 11th grade, that I tried to kill myself. I took 1/2 a bottle of
tylenol. All I wanted to do was die. I remember that I had a very very bad stomach ache. I was in my room crying and my Mom came in to ask what was the matter. I told her that I took 1/2 a bottle of tylenol and wanted to die. She didn't even take me to the hospital. She said that if I feel bad, that we can go. At the time, I didn't know that taking that much at one time could kill you. But that is what I wanted to have happen anyway, so I didn't really think about it. I have had complete blood counts (tests) done since then, and my liver and kindeys are fine, according to the doctor. I never told anyone about this and didn't want to because I don't want that in my medical records.
A couple of weeks later, I tried to shoot myself in my wrist. I had a pellet gun and was hoping that I would bleed to death. Obviously it did not happen. It was not enough force to make my wrist bleed.
Another major scar that I still have to this day, and it hurts me just about on a daily basis, is where I had a science teacher tell the entire class that people like me don't amount to anything in life. That hurt me so bad and it still hurts me to this day. I felt like crying in the class, but I held myself back.
It was in a Biology class, and when we would disect animals, we would have to be in groups of 3. Since I had no friends, nobody wanted me in their group.There were groups of 2 and groups of 3. The teacher thought that I did not want to do the stuff on the animals. I really did want to do it just so I could pass the class. So I asked a couple of the groups of 2 if I could join them but they told me to find another group. So I sat at my desk and the teacher talked to me in front of the whole class and asked why I was not doing the work. I told him that nobody would let me in their group. Again, very embarassing to say this in front of the class.
So then the teacher decided he was going to humiliate me in front of the class. He told me, in front of everyone, that 'People like Rob don't amount to anything in life'.
That hurt me so bad. I went to my guidance counselor and explained everything. He tried to talk to the teacher to see if he could atleast give me a D (not good, but still lets me pass the class). The teacher refused to give me anything except an E. I didn't need the class anyway. I was graduating that year, and I did not need the credits to graduate.
So anytime I get depressed, to this date, I can hear the teacher, word for word, telling the class that people like me don't amount to anything in life.
Another major scar is when I went to a gentleman's club when I was about 22. The girls kept coming over asking for tips. I had given another girl my last dollar bill and I didnt have any more. One of the girls who asked me for a tip got very mad at me and she yelled at me in front of the entire club. Even another girl who was dancing on stage, stripping, stopped dancing and watched. This was so humiliating to me. The girl who yelled at me told me "You're nothing. Look at you. Nobody wants you. That's why you're here. Nobody wants your stupid ugly fat a--". And kept going on and on. All because I didn't give her a dollar. I did not have any ones left, and if I knew how much it would scar me, I would have given her a 20.00 bill, just so I won't have to live with this for the rest of my life. I can still hear her words, word for word, the tone of her voice, and how it felt when everyone was staring at me. I went to the bartender and told him what happened (but he knew because he watched the whole thing). All he did was laugh at me. So I left the club and cried in my car for about 30 minutes before I drove myself home. It hurt so much and still hurts me to this day.
Another major scar is when I was about 22 years old, the first time I was going to have sex. The girl, who was supposed to be my girlfriend, and I were at the ocean. We had a hotel. I don't want to get graphic, but I will say that when we got undressed, she saw my 'private part', and she said that I am very small. She immediately got dressed and told me to take her home. She told me that I am abnormal. Maybe it was because all of my weight, that I looked small. I dont' know. I took her home and never heard from her again. I tried calling her but she never returned my calls. We didn't spend the night at the ocean (after I paid 299.00 for a room). which was fine, but that comment that she made about my private area, still hurts me to this day. I am definately 'smaller' than average and it still hurts when I think about it. Because of this incident, I am afraid to meet women (not only because I am shy, but because if we ever have sex, I am to embarassed to show her my private area. It still hurts me to this day when I get depressed. I think about this and I am scared to meet another female. I don't want to have her tell me the same thing and me get hurt again.
Just to show you how much it affects me. I am worried about when I die, and when my body is washed and put in the casket, I am worried about the person who is going to fix my body. What will he/she think when he/she sees my private area?
Anytime I get depressed, no matter what it is about, I think about all of these things listed above, and other things. These things happened a long time ago, but it is like they are permanently put in my brain and I can't seem to forget about them. I even remember when I was about 4 years old, when I went trick or treating. My sister brought me, and her friend's little brother came along too. We both got alot candy. When we were all walking home, I tripped over a stick on the ground, and all of my candy fell to the ground. I started putting it back into my bag, but other kids came over and took my candy, and called me 'stupid fat a--' and other names. It hurt me so bad and still does to this day.
As I said, I have lost all of the weight. And I have a good job making pretty good $. I am a driver on the road. I like it because I don't have to deal with rude people like when I was in school. I still have shyness problems and get nervous when I talk to anyone, especially women. Not nervous, but just uneasy. I am the type of person who cannot take rejection. I get depressed when I am rejected in any way, and I think about all of these things listed above (and other stuff too, that has happened to me).
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I need to do, to help myself? I don't want any of this in my medical records, in case one day I need to get a good job.
I hope someone can help me. My life is a wreck.
For many many years, I have gone to bed many many many times, hoping that when I fall asleep, that I never wake up again.
"Please help me."
Thank you.
Please Help - Depression 
Sandman 
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