[MonteSS]

My name is Tim and I just want to say what a terrific site I found here. I've read so many posts about people just like me who are severly addicted to hydrocodone. This site is finally allowing me to express my feelings about hydrocodone addiction without fear of what others in the real world think, especially my wife. People who do not struggle with hydro addiction just don't understand it. I really need someone to talk to about these pills and how I can overcome them.

I started taking hydrocodone 7.5/500 for low back pain a couple years ago and since, I've graduated to hydrocodone 10/500 (120 a month). I really don't need them for pain as 800mg Motrin does the trick. I take them simply for the superhuman feelings I get when I down a few of these pills. They make me feel like Superman, friendly, outgoing, funny, carefree and so full of energy and liveliness. I feel as if I can do anything, talk about anything and accomplish ANY task...just a long as I have a few extra pills in my pocket.

I have found myself taking three/four pills each morning before breakfast on an empty stomach just to get enough motivation to start my day. Around nine o'clock, I'll down a couple more and about 2pm, I'll swallow another one, sometimes two, to make it through the evening.

I am SICK and TIRED of being SICK and TIRED!

I tried to quit a couple months ago and made it seven whole days without hydro. I decided to celebrate on day eight and take just ONE. That one pill kicked off my current addiction to a level that has gotten completely out of hand. I get 120 10/500's a month from my doc and last month I nearly ran out (2 left) before my fresh shipment arrived. As soon as I picked them up from the post office, I ran to my car, ripped open the bag with my teeth and tore into that pill bottle like a crazed, ferocious wild animal, immediately chewing up three of them and then making a stupid moaning sound that sounded something like this....."Aaaaahhhhhhh." I felt so ashamed of myself for allowing such a small pill to override my brain and make me feel this way.

Due to the nature of my job, outpatient therapy or clinics are totally out of the question. I'm so afraid of the withdrawl symptoms that linger and wait to attack me within hours if I do not feed them more and more hydrocodone. I found these pills are starting to make decisions for me in my life, I realize that as long as I continue to swallow these pills that I will never be free, never be my own person, the pills make decisions for me, the pills decide everything and my brain chemistry could possibly change. I need to break FREE of this horrible addiction before it costs me dearly. I keep telling myself that I'll just take 4-5 a day, but it ALWAYS turns into 6, 8 and once even 10 pills in one day.

I watched a woman at the place I work who was obviously going through withdrawls, she was shaking, nervous, sweating, eyes were bloodshot with a very dry mouth and appeared to be in extreme pyhsical pain. She had been doctor shopping all day with no luck, finally her last stop found her in the emergency room (trying to score hydro). She was so bad in need for some hydrocodone that she started asking patients in the waiting room if they had "a couple extra" lortabs on them. This scared the sh** out of me and I caught myself feeling of my own pocket to make sure mine were still safe and secure inside my little pill pouch.

Today is 10/28/05 - 10:00am - I have not taken my "morning dose" of 3-4 Lortabs as of yet. My mouth is very dry, nerves are definitely on edge and I feel like ****. I have no energy or motivation to get up out of this chair and start my day. All that is on my mind is grabbing my pill bottle and chewing a few up. Maybe I'll take just one, then one more this afternoon and try to "taper" myself off of them using this technique?

I'm so afraid of quitting COLD TURKEY because I'm terrified of the withdrawl symptoms which I know are just around the corner. I need to get off these pills at home, without anyone knowing what's going on in my life. When I don't take my afternoon dose at work, my eyes become extremely glassy looking as if I'm using illicit drugs? I'm paranoid that someone will notice this and question me about "why my eyes are so bloodshot and glassy". I'm also afraid of my attitude when I come off hydro, I get extremely edgy, grouchy to be around and hateful to everyone. I just don't want to be around people...and I work in a very public place where customer service and support is their number one priority.

I know I would be a MUCH better and pleasant person without hydro in my system, I could return to normal, but I'm so afraid of the withdrawls, it just scares me to death to think about it. I do know this: These pills HAVE TO GO. My wife just tells me to "stop taking them" yeah right! You guys know better than that, it's not that simple. Sometimes I'll lie to my wife when she asked me if I've had any lortab, I'll just say no. I'd like to tell her the truth one day and say I've not had a lortab in two months, then produce two fresh, unopened bottles as my proof and symbol of my own willpower over these things. I know she'd be proud of me. [^]



1 Pill, 2 Pill, 3 Pills......10

[Vicoman]

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quote:you don't need them for pain

This statement says it all....use the TAPER method mentioned on this board. Cold Turkey SUCKS. Severy FLU-LIKE symptoms, etc, read about it.

[dobo]

Hi Tim,

I'm afraid I don't understand your math. You get 120 pills a month yet you take 3-4 before breakfast and finsh off the day having done 6, 8 or even 10 pills? Even if you meet a goal of 5 pills a day, you need 150 to get through the month. I guess you must be copping on the street?

Anyway, just get in control of yourself and start taking less. Immediately switch to one in the morning and then take another one every 4 hours. After you're comfortable with this, 4 a day, start breaking them in half and take a half every 3 hours. From there, keep pushing it back until you only take two pills a day.

Not much more I can tell you past this point because that's where I'm at after a year and a half on oxycodone. Once I graduated down to oxy for pain mgmt, I was taking over 100 mg a day in the form of 2x20 oxycontin plus 6 or more 10/325 percocet. As the pain improved, I steadily reduced my dose. I gave up the 2x10 mg oxycontin in the summer and went to 4x10/325 percs. Then I started doing them by the halfs and got down to 3 a day. Last week I got some ultram so now I'm down to anywhere from one half to one and a half percs a day. Please realize I'm not trying to quit. I'm merely trying to take the least amount I can get away with to manage my pain.

Another thing you may want to consider as incentive is think about what you're doing to you liver. Say you take 10 of these things a day, you're downing 5 GRAMS of tylenol, aspirin or whatever cutter is in lortab. Good luck.

[mpvt]

Hi Monte:Cold turkey and weaning down by yourself almost always end in failure.You are addicted which is a medical condition and you need to treat it medically.Go to www.suboxone.com and find a doctor in your area that can prescribe suboxone(buprenorphene).This drug once you get stable will take all of your withdrawls and cravings away.Allowing you to get your life in order,counciling ect.Once you feel ready you then do a detox from the suboxone with little or no difficulty.This is just my opinion but I know this drug has helped so many people.If you do decide to try cold turkey or wean I give you all my best and hope you can do it.Lets us know how your doing.....Dave

[PoppyQueen]

Hi Tim, your addiction sounds very much like mine. In the end my doc. was giving me about 300/month, knowing I was bouncing drug stores, etc. Reading this drug forum has saved my life. My doc. was forced into retirement forcing me to go drug-free. I could have continued with hydros (Vicoprofen in my case--contains ibuprophen so no liver damage) thru the internet, or the street, or whatevere, I would have found them. But thru this site and with the help of Dave (thanks, Dave!) I got on Suboxone. No one knows except my husband who I just confessed to 2 months ago (after 5 years of taking them).

So I've been on Suboxone for 5 weeks and what a relief it is. I do not crave my Vics. and I had just about zero withdrawal. This was the best route for me because I was unsuccessful weaning down in the past. Plus I was too wimpy to go through withdrawal, even though I had a comprehensive plan. So, with all bases covered, I got on Sub. and I no longer wake up everyday consumed with thoughts of pills.

This sounds like it might be a good route for you. No one need ever know

Good luck!


PQ
Last painkiller used: 9/25/05
Suboxone started 9/26/05

[girlie girl]

Tim, don't give up. Try and wean your self down again. At least know you know for sure that even one would set you off again. I know about the lies because I'm in the same boat with my husband. I never tell him how many pills I really take. It sucks. But you can beat it. [:X]

Girlie Girl

[MonteSS]

UPDATE: So much for tapering off! Anyways, I'm down to taking 2-1/2 in the morning when I get up and 1 about 10am then another about 2 or 3pm. I think this MUCH better than the past few weeks but I'd still like to be HYDRO FREE. Next week, I'm going to start only taking 1-1/2 when I get up and wait until about noon before I take another, then only take 1/2 about 3pm.

I was assisting in the pharmacy when the weekly "shipment" arrived for stocking...just looking at all those quart size bottles of hydro made me break out in cold sweats!

Thanks for listening and replying - I can beat this addiction, it's just gonna take some time and A LOT of will-power. I've noticed the cravings for these pills are worse than any type of craving I've ever experienced in my life...all consuming thoughts? I hope eventually we all can overcome these little white sons of satan. Good luck to all and thanks again.

Cold here in TN this morning....brrrr(maybe I'll warm up w/a couple pills...just kidding! []

1 Pill, 2 Pill, 3 Pills...10

[pill-layer]

Monte where do you live in TN....I am in or around Kingsport.....Northeast Tenn.

[dobo]

Aha! Now I understand your math. You swipe the extras you need beyond your 120/mo allotment. Another compelling reason to wean down. Save your employment and stay out of jail. Good job on the "tapering off" Tim. Your liver will thank you.

[dizzy23]

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quote:Originally posted by pill-layer

Monte where do you live in TN....I am in or around Kingsport.....Northeast Tenn.

I also live in TN[Nashville].Nice meeting you![8D]

[MonteSS]

I live in Northeast TN - and no I don't "swipe" anything. I have lots of friends, family who will give me all the lortab I ask for--free. Thanks for the sarcasm tho.

I did go two whole days without any then I broke down and took 3 or 4 today. I just need a good game plan.

1 Pill, 2 Pill, 3 Pills...10