[lillybug]

Hi. This is my first time here. Forgive the long letter.I am a mother of 2 perfect girls. They are both under the age of 4. When my oldest girl was 1, I suffered with a slipped/herniated disc in my L4-5. I went to Chiropractors, Orthopedics and then a Neurosurgeon. I had a Laminectomy w/ partial discectomy in Feb.04. The Dr. gave me valiums and percocets. I had some relief, but not much. My husband and I conceived once again and I had our 2nd girl in Nov. 04. During my pregnancy my back was not that bad. I delivered her naturally, and began, once again, taking percocets that the hospital gave me for the delivery pain. My daughter is 18 months now, and I have taken 1-2 percocets every night since she was born. My back is not any better,it seems worse. I've tried everything. even this facility in a nearby town called novospine that has a 95% success rate. Its non-surgical, and it works miracles for the 95% of patients that entered this program. I fell into the 5%, of course.. I still go, they are persistent on finding ways to help me, but I am loosing hope. I feel like a bad mother. I can't roll around on the floor with my kids, and teach them gymnastics or even just run with them without being in so much pain. I see them suffering because of it. My 3 year old brings a bottle of lotion into my room at night and tells me she'll rub my back so I'll feel better. She should not be worried about her mother at age 3 like this. Anyway, my marriage is not going to well, I am loosing my patience alot faster than normal, I don't sleep at night, and I'm exhausted during the day. My consentration is gone, and most of all, I have absolutley no desire to have sex. My whole sex drive is gone. I only take percocets at night when my husband gets home from work.Occasionally if the pain is real bad, I'll take one and nap with my girls during the day. So for the longest time, I just told myself their was no way I could be addicted. But by 7pm every night, my body starts to really get aggrivated. I tried not to take the pills a couple times and wound up having pains and it was like my veins and body were screaming at me. It made me nervous. How the hell can I be addicted to pain meds? I'm a great mother, a great wife, and now I'm an addict. I cry the blues to my doc about the pain, and once in awhile she'll give me some perc's. I have a friend that will go to his dr. for his shoulder pain and give me the percs. My mom had surgery and was given hydromorphone, and I took them from her because she didn't like them. Now, i found someone trustworthy who can get me 10/325's. What the hell am I doing? I'm scared. And I don't ever admit that to anyone. I finally just admitted that to myself. I'm afraid to detox. How do I? my husband doesn't know how bad I am. I freak out when I see I only have 2 left. I used to take 1 5/325, now its like taking a tic tac. It has no affect. I take 2, and still my back hurts. A dr once prescribed me non-addicting muscle relaxors.I still have them and take them once in a while to change it up. To make matters worse, 4 different doctors told me I need a disc replacement. I'm 32 years old. How can I detox from these drugs, when I'm a stay-at-home mom who has a husband who works so much, and not let anyone know?[xx(]

[BSGjunkie]

Lillybug,

First, welcome! This is a great site and you'll find a lot of good info here.

I wouldn't call yourself an addict just yet. It sounds like you're dependant, but not an addict. An addict finds reasons to take pills, they take them when they don't need them, and they take them to get high. They normally lie and cheat to get the pills, because their doctors wont give them enough to fulfill their habit. Many times they're stealing and lying to their closest family members. Those addicts may get clean, but will always be addicts. Take it from me, I was and am an addict.

Chronic pain is a terrible thing. It is what introduced me to painkillers for the first time, and I'll never be the same.

There are two types of people out there, addicts and non addicts. You sounds like an amazing person, and an amazing mom - not an addict!

That being said, your dependance is still something you'll have to deal with at some point. The problem is, if you need painkillers, you need them. I suggest talking to your doctor. Tell him you're worried about your dependency. He may switch you to a different drug for a few weeks while your body comes off the Oxycodone (percocet). Or you and he may decide that while you may be dependent, you need them for legitimate pain and it is your best option, other then living in pain. Maybe you could look into the surgery. It could be the solution to end the need for such drugs.

What ever you do, please don't call yourself an addict. Don't be so hard on yourself. As you stated, you're the mother of two perfect girl, which means you must be a pretty good mother! Just the fact that you're worried about them, and they're the reason you want to take care of things, says alot. You're just a mother thats been stuck with the misfortune of chronic pain. Work on resolving the pain, then you can resolve your dependency.

Junkie