[Hunterdog]

Day 12.

I've been amazed at the lack of craving that I have experienced. I did mention in a previous post that I knew it could return at any moment and it has [u]in spades</u>.

In preparation for next week's work load, I have had to work physically, more than I am used to and the lack of energy, coupled with the aches and pains of arthritis (and all his itis cousins), has created this enormous urge to use. I'm amazed at how crafty our enemy is.

"Go ahead."
"Take a few."
"You need the energy."
"You're not a kid anymore and this is going to be tough on you."
"You don't really think you can do this do you?"

So far, I have resisted and plan on reporting a victory of two weeks come Monday.

Sure is difficult some times though!

My best to chrish, dizzy/deb, clueless, VTX 1300, (My business partner rides a VTX 1800), girlie-girl and everyone else I forgot.

Back to work.

Hunterdog

[cluelessNJ]

Hunterdog~ I am really proud of you for the time you have clean so far. Its really amazing to see the positive changes in your posts. Keep it up!

Chrish~ How are you?

I have a birthday party tonight. I'm not really excited to go. Usually i'm ready to go and waiting to walk out the door. Today I am procrastinating so bad. I must force myself to go get ready!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Hunterdog]

clueless:
Happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you...... happy birthday dear clueless............. happy birthday to you!

Hunterdog

[cluelessNJ]

quote:Originally posted by Hunterdog

clueless:
Happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you...... happy birthday dear clueless............. happy birthday to you!

Hunterdog

Thank you but its a friends birthday! Maybe if it was mine I would have left the house already! Thank you anyway though.

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

Chrish~ My e-mail went down. I will try later. Its weird, it let me read the email and wouldn't let me reply! I don't understand it but I will try when I get back tonight! I hope your having a stress free weekend!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Hunter, thanks for that quote. By the way I hate divorce also. I would have never initiated or served paperwork in my marriage. When I said the vows with my wife I meant it when I said "till death do us part." I really thought she felt the same way, and we could work through any issues. However, I think when I got clean and started working a great 12 step program, she couldn't handle not handle me becoming strong and independent. She couldn't control me anymore like a puppet. So, hang in there with your clean time. I know sometimes the addict thoughts get crazy, especially in the first 60 days, on and off. Just remember this too shall pass. "Run the tape," and imagine where your addiction brought you before. It starts with "just a few," but in reality there is no such thing as just a few. We always end up in the same place within 2-3 weeks. Also, remember, each time you get through a craving period or an obsessive period, you get stronger and gain new tools to stay clean the next time it happens. Lastly, pray, pray, pray. Ask your higher power to restore you to sanity and remove the obsession. It doesn't always go away right away, but if you use all of the tools available to you and pray, you will stay clean.

NS Clueless - doing pretty good considering the circumstances. I am keeping a positive attitude, but I'm not denying the negative feelings either since that is part of the healing process. In the end, as long as I keep the kids number one priority, they will be blessed, and I'll always know I did the right thing. Hope all is well from you, and I'll look for your email when I get back later. Gotta run....

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Chrish, you are so strong right now...its amazing. Someone is watching over you We are here...I may not always reply but I stop by atleast every other day to make sure ya'll are ok. Again you can email at any time if you need to talk. I have been through a divorce and I think that when I really started using.That is sooooo great you have no desire to use. You have been there since the begining for me and I will be here for you now. Just remeber that it is your wife who is not being strong right now...not you. People reconcile all the time. If you want to be with her let her know and dont give up so easily. How long in the marriage where you using? Did she only know you as an addict? I wish she could just be proud of you and see how far you've come. I wish she could read our board and see how many other addicts you have helped. My prayers are with you Chrish!!!

Clueless, how are you doing girl? I would have been right at the exact clean date as you if I had been stronger. You are doing AWESOME!!!!

HunterDog, I dont think I have met you. Im Girlie and Im a 26 year old mommy with one little girl and Im hooked on Loratab. I still manage to hold down a job and do everything else I need to do for now. But I dream of being clean. Congrats on 12 days...that is such a great start!! This board will be there for you no matter what. If you fall we will pick you back up. Take my word for it..Im always falling..Anyway Nice to meet you

X, How are you doing hon? I hope everything is good with you!!

Lots Of Love, [:X]

Girlie Girl

[dizzy23]

quote:Originally posted by Hunterdog

Deb:

I forgot to tell you earlier, I did a bit of benedryl last night and slept through the night. What a gift sleep is!

How are things going with you? I enjoy your posts and what you bring to this board.

Hunterdog

Hi Hunterdog,
I hope you are having a good weekend.My has been pretty quiet.
I'm doing pretty good.Been having a rough few weeks though.On Apr.4 my ex-husband committed suicide and it has been hard for me to stay clean since then.We had been married for 14 years and had divorced in 2001.We had remained friends since our divorce,but in the last year or so he had been trying to get me to remarry him,which I did not want to do.I just could not get back involved with him again.I still cared about him and wanted him happy but I did not want to get married to him again.He had told me that he was going to kill his self if I didn't remarry him but I did not believe him.He had said it before in our marriage but never did anything...but this time he did!!Now here I am left to feel GUILTY and blaming myself for his suicide.It really makes me so sad to know that he was so unhappy and could not see any other way out.He had been depressed lately and was on meds. for it.I know that I have to get over blaming myself,I know deep down inside that he was dealing with he depression and didn't know how to deal with it and that I wasn't responsible[I hope]for his death.It is getting a little easier as time goes by...It is HARD!!It has really tested me.So far I have not used..don't think I will..I think I will make it.
Anyway,I don't want to talk about that anymore right now so I will move on.
Hunter,Where do you live?I know by your post about the temp. that it must be somewhere warm.I live in Nashville and it is not that warm here yet.You take it easy on the job..you can only do what you can do...don't let them work you to death.
I have to go now my daughter and new grandbabyare coming over.I will write more later.Keep in touch.[^]


Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[mpvt]

My cousin was depressed since the age of 15.He tried every drug,went to therapy after therapy and even in the last couple of years tried experimental drugs and electric shock therapy.All to no avail,we listen to him talk of suicide many many times and up until the last two years he never tried it.He blamed his mom and dad for having him and had no problem telling them every day how much he hated their guts.Depression can be such a horrible desease.He hung himself out in the forest were we used to play as kids.I can honestly say that I could see no other way out for him but I myself could never do it.His desease is to blame just like a cancer takes it's victim so to does depression (sometimes).So don't blame yourself,try and remember the good times that you did have and keep them alive.....Dave

[dizzy23]

Thank you Dave.I'm trying hard not to blame myself.I know depression is a terrible disease.My Mother suffers from it too and she has been h*** to deal with sometimes.She has also threaten to commit suicide and has tried a few times[overdosing]but thank God it didn't work.I guess it is normal to blame yourself[in some way]when someone in your life takes theirs.I wonder what I did or didn't do that may has contributed to his death.I try not to but it is hard,but I will get through it some how.Thanks Dave!!

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[cluelessNJ]

Dizzy~ You control your own destiny....... Not his destiny! This was not the life you picked for him. He made his own decisions. He was an adult so he SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, and did know! Please don't blame yourself. You are WAY to loving and giving of a person to allow this to "hold you down". You are so strong. You have come this far. Please, I beg you not to blame yourself. There is a reason he left this earth and you don't see it now but god has a plan(or you can insert higher power there). I'm just saying don't let your mind wonder too much! If you over analyze any situation it will make you crazy! PLEASE, do not blame yourself! I'll be thinking and praying for you!


Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Hunterdog]

dizzy/deb:

Ten years ago my little brother died in my arms. It was an incredibly difficult time for me but God taught me a great lesson through it. It is a time when just about anybody would wrestle with questions like "Why did this happen?" and "How can I understand this?"

God taught me that you simply can not make sense of something which is senseless. There are things in this world, like the suicide of your ex, that simply do not make sense.

On top of all of that, we have an enemy which will crawl into our heads and whisper all sorts of accusations against us. This enemy will whisper to us that, "It's really your fault you know." "You should have taken him back, cause if you had, he wouldn't have done this."

These things are simply lies because "he is the father of lies and there is no truth in him." (John 8:44)

Never the less, it is a difficult time and my heart goes out to you. It took me a full year before the pain began to subside.

Hunterdog

[CBurgerjr]

I too am a new member here and I also feel like I'm becoming Dependent on Hydro's. I had Spinal Fusion Surgery back in Jan. 2006 and I'm still hurting and I'm having to take more and more Hydro's to help. I think that I'm Pseudo-addicted. I just wanted to say Hi and I know what all of you are going through.....

CBurgerjr

[dizzy23]

quote:Originally posted by CBurgerjr

I too am a new member here and I also feel like I'm becoming Dependent on Hydro's. I had Spinal Fusion Surgery back in Jan. 2006 and I'm still hurting and I'm having to take more and more Hydro's to help. I think that I'm Pseudo-addicted. I just wanted to say Hi and I know what all of you are going through.....

CBurgerjr

Welcome to the forum!
Please try to quit the hydro's now if you can.
Don't keep going it will get worse.

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[CBurgerjr]

quote:Originally posted by dizzy23

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks Debbie...I'm trying really hard..Right now I'm at 1 day and counting. It's gonna be tough, but I think I can do it.
Please try to quit the hydro's now if you can.
Don't keep going it will get worse.

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[chrish1]

Debbie - You were not in control of what happened, and you are not to blame. Every person must take responsibility for their own destiny. There is a lesson to be learned in every event that is challenging in our lives. If you feel guilt about things from your relationship, remember there is a difference between guilt and shame. It's okay to be guilty of certain things because nobody is perfect. All we can do is try to improve our faults for our future actions, and that knowledge is a gift in itself. Pray, and ask to see His will and ask "how," not "why." One thing that has worked for me is journaling my thoughts and then I put a yes or no at the end of the though as to whether or not I can control it. Then, I put a positive thought. It is important to listen to your thoughts and feelings, but you can insert new thoughts so you don't get stuck in the mud. Lead yourself out. When I say ask "how," I mean ask God how to live. Ask God, "show me HOW to live. Show me your will and HOW to carry it out." There is a lot to learn on your journey, so try to learn what you are supposed to or you will have to learn it some other time. Don't miss the opportunity to learn or you will miss the big gift. Most of all, DON'T USE because that will deprive us of all the gifts and take away our edge. The funny thing with spirituality is once you find it, you lose it. We have it when we are seeking.

Every time we are challenged we are presented with a gift when we get though those challenges. The gift will come with trust and faith.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[chrish1]

If anybody is looking for a natural solution to lack of sleep, you might want to pick up a CD called "Delta Sleep System," by Dr. Jeffrey Thompson. I tried it last night, and it worked really well.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[VTX1300]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!! THE SPIRITUALITY GOING ON HERE IS AWESOME!!!!!!

I am truly blessed to be in ALL of your presence.

I've been away from the computer for a couple of days and can't possible respond to all that is going on. I just want add the the scripture here and say that "With man nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible."

The possiblity of reconciliation of divorce, the possibility of an addict to be in recovery, the possibility of ANYTHING as long as it is His will. Keep growing closer to God. When things are good hold on to the cross, when things are bad cling tighter.


Girlie--good to hear from you. I pray for you everyday. One of these days you'll kick this. Hang tough, and keep coming back. Keep "running the tape" as Chrish says. Learn from each mistake, and you will succeed.

Some one on here figured out what my screen name was[8D][8D]. Yes it is my bike. I don't have the 1800. I've rode one and am fairly certain that I would kill myself on that bike. LOTS OF POWER.

There were 2 things that got me thru my divorce a couple of years ago. My God and my bike. They also got me thru my addiction.

Here is a picture of my earthly savior:

http://bigbikeriders.com/photopost/d...1TRHOD-med.jpg

How about one more for the road.....after dark

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/4...6108BZtGzZu4bU

I hope the pix come thru. I basically rebuilt the bike. Took almost 3 years to get it where it is now, but I think I'm done working on it.

My life has been a wirl-wind the past week. Getting remarried in less that 2 weeks, and out of the blue a house came up for sale that would be REALLY nice for the family. Well, I put a bid in and they accepted. Now, I'm in the process of trying to quickly wrap up the remodeling projects I started, but never finished, on my home. But all is good. Thanks for checking in.


God bless each and every one of you.

Take a moment with me to say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight.

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

WHO'S NEXT????

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm


-------------------------

[cluelessNJ]

Hello everyone! I strangly quiet in here. Almost 24 hours with no posts.

Gina~ how are you sweetie?

Hunterdog~ You still hanging in there? Whats today 2 weeks? Thats amazing! It puts a smile on my face to know that you are doing it! Kep it up! Everyday gets easier and you get a new chance and outlook on life. Embrace it!

Chrish~ How is everything? I'll be thinking about you! I sold my house. The only bad thing is settlement isn't until the middle of July.

X~ I love the bike. I like riding (on the back). I'd kill myself if I even attempted to ride alone. You must be loving this weather, its been awesome here on the east coast.

Girlie~ I'm so glad you continue to check on us. Just know that we're here for you whenever you need us!

Cburger~ How are you holding up? Is today day 2? Good luck to you! I hope you will come back and continue to post with us. There are alot of great people here that have been thru it!

Happy Wednesday everyone!!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Hellenback]

I first posted in a "new topic" area under the heading "How long is too Long". I am new to this site and new to internet interaction of any kind (outside of e-mails of course).
I thought if I posted in this forum I might get more replies from people in the same boat.
I won't repost the whole thing I put on the first one as anyone interested can access it after reading this.
The long and short is that I have been on opiates of one kind or another without a break for twenty-seven years. The longest I ever went was a month, (twenty tears ago between surgeries), but even then I used a couple of T3's and drank to get through.
I was on Methadone for over six years (up until eight years ago) and am presently on the equivelent of nearly a gram of morphine a day in the form of a combination of hydromorph (mostly sustained release) and oxycontin (50-50 split). I take a total 24Mgs of hydromorph immediate release throughout the day for breakthrough.
I have been on nearly everything at one time or another, including the duragesic patch and am told by the medical community to not even try to come off my prescriptions due to pain complications and length of use. I am one of the people of the opinion, (from my own experience) that methadone is a drug of last resort or for use as a withdrawal aid. Even after this many years I feel on some level I am more capable of an attempt to quit what I am now on than I was when on a hundred Mgs of methadone a day. This may all be wishful thinking and in the end a moot point but as I said in the previous post I do believe in miracles.
Has ANYONE out there stopped using completely, or know anyone who has, after a quarter century of continual use (including periods of I.V. use over a decade ago)? Hellenback

[mpvt]

I totally agree that methadone should be used as a last resort.Far to many people get on methadone and don't realize the commitment they have made......Dave

[Hunterdog]

WooHoo!

Sixteen days and counting!

Still having a problem with little sleep and I am having incredible headaches, which I never get. It was so bad yesterday that my wife was in tears, begging me to go to the hospital. It's better now but not completely gone.

VTX: Great looking bike. You've put a lot of work into it and it shows. I ride a '06 Stratoliner.

chrish: Hope things are improving. Life sure can kick you in the stomach sometimes can't it?

Deb: Thanks for all the encouragement and kind words. Hope you're doing well.

Hunterdog

[yankees_fan1006]

Hi, I just happened upon here from a google search. My husband is addicted to painkillers and checked into Detox yesterday. I just want to know what I can do to help him get over this. Any suggestions?

[Hunterdog]

Yankee Fan:

Welcome to the forum.

There are actually a lot of things you can do to help your husband. First and foremost, be supportive. Not supportive of his habit but supportive of him as a person.

Will he be confined during detox? If so, he may be denied access to any outsiders. That's a good thing actually. When he does come home, just realize that while the hydro's may be out of his system, that is the easy part of the battle. Fighting the emotional battle and the cravings which will come and go is much more difficult for most people.

Generally, his sleep patterns will be altered for quite some time. In my case, I just excused myself from the bedroom and allowed my wife to sleep undisturbed.

If he detoxes at home, you will need Immodium to help with intestinal problems.

It is important that you both take whatever steps necessary to cut-off all his sources for the pills. Addicts are deceitful and resourceful in obtaining their pills. Insist that you look at all the credit card bills to prevent him from buying on-line. Again, if he detoxes at home, he is going to feel like S#*t for a week or two. I can remember feeling as though gravity had tripled and just getting out of the chair was a chore.

More than anything, love him and support his desire to get clean. If he is receptive to posting here, encourage him to do so. One of the biggest lies the enemy tells us is that we are alone and that we are the only ones on earth going through this. There are lots of helpful people here to help him if he will receive it.

Was detox his idea or did he go kicking and screaming?

Best of luck and please, keep us posted of your progress, or lack thereof.


Hunterdog

[yankees_fan1006]

Hi Hunterdog.
He just kind of fell apart on Tuesday and spilled his guts. I had no clue he was so addicted. I knew he was running out of pain medicine before the refill was due, but I didn't know the extent he was going to to get more. He decided to check into Detox himself.
Thanks for your suggestions.

[jhl]

Hey guys,

I was clean for about 11 days and then got a refill (that I had forgotten about) - of course I started taking them again. The thing is - I don't think that I am ready to stop. Anyway - I ran out and don't have another refill for a couple of weeks so I am going through withdrawals. I'll get through the feeling like **** and everything, but I know when that new prescription comes, I will start again, just like I never stopped. I love the way they make me feel - you guys know what I am talking about - that feeling of "I can do anything"....and as someone who had an anxiety disorder, that is a wonderful feeling. And BTW I am also on anti-anxiety meds...anyway, just wanted to express that - I will keep in touch...

JA

[Hunterdog]

yankees fan:

One more thing just came to mind.

Not all, but many, many addicts became addicted to their drugs simply by following the doctor's orders exactly. That is one of the dangers of many drugs. By their very nature, the body will develop a dependence on them, even when all you did is follow the doctor's orders. Eventually, one will require more and more to acheive the same level of pain relief that was once the case at a lower dose. Coupled with the emotional addiction to the feelings of euphoria when using, it is incredibly seductive and remarkably addictive.

Quite frankly, I think this is one of North America's dirty little secrets that almost nobody in the medical profession wants to acknowledge.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, sometime, there truly are victims who contributed little or nothing to their addiction.

Hunterdog

[Angela H]

jhl,
I'm right there with ya! It's like I know I need to stop and part of me wants to. I've reduced my intake daily from 4 to 2(none in the daytime and 2 at night). I'll be driving home from work and all I'm thinking about is getting home to take my pill. I HATE this addiction! But love it at the same time(the feeling). Sucks, doesn't it? And then you'll be talking to someone like that just had surgery or something and they'll say something like "They gave me pain pills and I got the prescription filled. I couldn't stand the way they made me feel so I switched to Advil!" I'm thinking can I have them? Anyway, it's good to know I'm not the only one.

[JerseyBoy1234]

Hey all,
I just recently got off suboxone. I was a heroin addict for a short period of time, 5 months. I went on Methadone for 1 1/2 yrs, and have been on suboxone for 4+ months. I started with 8 mgs and went down one mg every 2 weeks. I last took a 1/2 mg 48 hrs ago. After 24 hours, I immediately experienced mild withdrawal symptoms. I had sweats, blotchy skin, chills, hot and cold flashes, muscle aches etc. After about 36 hours, i felt very little, some muscle aches but nothing unbearable. I am agitated and irritated and anxious, but nothing too bad......My question is this: Is the worst over with (physically) or should I expect more to come? I know i still have a long way to go, but I'm hoping that every thing gets better from here on out. Thanks in advance for responses.

[jhl]

Angela H.,

I have heard that same comment so many times about other people not being able to take hydro's or other similar drugs because they don't like the way they make them feel.....I wish that were the case for me. Congrats on having enough control to only take them at night - I was up to about 6 or 7 a day and ran out. I am going thru withdrawals right now and the bad part for me is not so much the physical pain, but the depression - I am SO SAD today...anyway thanks for listening....

jhl