[chrish1]

NS Clueless - Coming up on 3 months pretty soon! Hang in there. I know you listen - I've known that for a while. That is really a very admirable quality; to be able to listen, take suggestions, and apply them, AND that is a quality that is necessary to stay clean. You know now what I was saying when I said getting clean is the easy part and staying clean is the hard part. I still struggle some days with some major cravings and addict thoughts. BUT, it is all so worth it. I am going to make up a gratitude list and why I am grateful for those things since I have been having cravings lately. Our secrets thrive in the dark and die in the light of day, and that is why I am telling you about my cravings.

Dizzy, hang in there. I think you are a lot stronger than you think, especially since you haven't used yet. Don't let your addict self convince your real self that you are not strong enough. It is a con job. Drugs are a ****ing total lie. We need to always remember that.

Jhl, thanks for joining us. The depression is the worst part in the beginning, but it gets better with time. If we go back to using, the depression is even worse the next time. End the cycle now. Hang in there and know that it does get better. I shared about my cravings, but overall I have more good days than bad days now. It does get better with time.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[ginafl2]

Happy Easter everyone. I hope everyone is doing well this Easter Sunday. I have to say I feel good and bad at the same time. I am still suffering on the inside, the cravings, the moodiness. I still don't feel right and yesterday I had a month. I wasn't even thinking about using yesterday until my husband brought up my month accomplishment. It made me crave more than ever. I am starting to get more and more headaches. Oh well I should just think of how grateful I am this Easter Sunday for what Jesus did for me and my sins. I know today my sins will be forgiven. Thank you all for being there for me and for letting me be a part of this great board. Bless you all on this Holiday Weekend.

G

[cluelessNJ]

Hey everyone! Yes, I am coming up on three months! Its very exciting! It just proves (to me) that anyone can do this!

Easter was great for me! I went to noon mass and felt high on life when leaving mass! It was a great feeling! For the first time since being clean I actually got high on life! It was that and hanging out with my family. I never appreciated it before but now being free of opiates I can say I feel pretty good! I had a REALLY shi*ty week last week and IT PASSED! I haven't had any cravings or any negative doubts in my mind! It really is a defining moment for me because this was my first clean holiday. It was the first holiday I was actually present (mentally) in a really long time! My mom actually commented on me showing up early and leavingg after everyone left. Well, in my opiate life I would leave first so I could meet up with "A FRIEND". Thank god I changed my number! It was probally the best thing i've done in a lon time! Well, I'm off to bed! Hopefully, my boss will not stalk me tommorrow and I will be able to pop in early!

X~ Where you at?????????????????????????????????

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Hunterdog]

How do I stop this cycle of abuse / addiction / withdrawal / cleaness / relapse?

This is the third time I am getting clean. Twice before I have been absolutely clean. The 1st time I was clean for 12 days and then wrecked my motorcycle, breaking my ribs in twelve places and a radicle break of my clavicle. Back on the Norco's I went. After the reconstructive surgery, and a bit of recovery, I once again weaned myself off the Norcos.

After being clean for 4 months, I relapsed and now I'm back to 20 pills/day. These damn pills have consumed my life for 5 years now.

I am a professional man, own my own business. I've been married to the same woman for 32 years. I don't drink at all and am on the board at my church. The shame I carry around inside is aweful.

Yesterday I only did 4 pills and am back on the catapress patch to help with the withdrawals. Today I haven't taken any pills and if tolerable, I will go cold turkey starting today.

This really sucks. I hat that I have allowed something to take control of my life............ even after having been delivered from their grip twice before.

I'll keep you all posted as to my progress or lack thereof.

So far the only symptoms I have is a bit of restless legs syndrome and diarrhea along with moderate cravings. The catapress is helping I'm sure and Imodium is helping as well.

I'll take victory an hour at a time.



Hunterdog

[mpvt]

Go to www.suboxone.com and read about buprenorphene (subutex,suboxone).This drug is tailor made for people such as yourself.You take it sublingually everyday some people take it every other day.The drug wards off all withdrawl symptoms and you have no cravings letting you work and get on with your life.Once you feel like it you start a slooooow detox thereby getting away with no withdrawls or cravings.This drug is being hailed as the miracle drug for opiate addicts and so far (since 1997) it has pretty much lived up to it's name.Good luck and keep us up to date.Hang in there....Dave

[Hunterdog]

mpvt / Dave:

Thanks for the recommendation and the link. I will keep them in mind. So far however the w/d symptoms have been relatively moderate. I know from prior experience however that they will get worse.

It has been 18 hours since my last dose of Norco but prior to that, I reduced my dosage rather dramatically. I went from 20 / day to 10 the next day to only 4 yesterday and then none today.

As unpleasant as it is, I know that it is not life threatening and that it does receed with time. I know my inner character and I know that for me, if I can get through a day without any, it gives me a sort of platform to build upon and that I will not want to jepordize that accomplishment by using again. I have done it twice before and know how good I felt about resisting the temptation to make all the symptoms go away by popping another pill (or two or three).

Right now, I'm still in the one hour at a time mode.


Hunterdog

[Hunterdog]

mvpt / Dave:

For some unknown reason my response to your last post was lost in cyberspace. I'll attempt to reply again and hope I have better results this time.

Thanks for the post and the link. I will keep them in mind. So far however, the withdrawals have been only moderate. It has been 18 hours since my last dose of the Norcos so I know from prior experience that they will grow stronger. The last time I detoxed, the restless legs and the lack of sleep was really difficult. As unpleasant as the withdrawals are, I know that they will diminish over time. If I can go a full day without and meds, I know that I'll be over the worst of the temptations to cave in. If I can get a full day under my belt, it sort-of gives me a platform to build upon, not wanting to give in and foresake the day(s) I have gone through already.

I am a reasonably educated man and consider myself as wise as the next guy. I'm amazed that I allowed this to happen to me again! A little discomfort and pain will probably do me good.




Hunterdog

[Hunterdog]

Great. Now they both show up. Sorry for the redundancy.

Hunterdog

[Hunterdog]

I know I'm talking to myself today, except for Dave's response, but it's sorta theraputic in a way.

22 1/2 hours from my last dose. Sneaking-up on 24 hours without any Hydro's at all.

I just counted my pills. Anyone else ever do that? I've got 120 exactly and intend to leave them all at home tomorrow. I'd like to say that I'll flush them but I'm just not certain how difficult this is going to be. I did cut down really dramatically after all and I've always read that the withdrawals are worse each time you go c/t.

Never the less, as I posted earlier, I'll take my victory markers an hour at a time for now.

What has me worried is that I've got a huge meeting with my Bank tomorrow. I sure don't want to be acting as if I have the flu while he's here. I've gotta dig deep and muster the strength to come across well if this thing is going to fly.

Hunterdog

[mpvt]

Hey i'm all for cold turkey it's just tough that's all.I wish you all the best and you can do this if you really want to.I agree with you that setting small goals is better then a long shot one.Hang in there and post as much as you want.....Dave

[Hunterdog]

Made it through the night although the restless legs didn't allow much sleep. I did manage to squeeze out a few hours though. It's 5:00 a.m. and I'm at the office already so that's some indicator of how poorly I slept I suppose.

37 hours from my last dose.

Actually, I'm amazed at how good I feel. I've got a bit of intentinal discomfort and a bit of the restless legs and feel a bit funky but not much else. Overall though, I feel good.

Hunterdog

[tinkers]

hunter

GOOD JOB YOU SOUND ALOT LIKE ME HAVE TOO QUIT MANY TIMES BUT I KEEP SLIPPING AND IF I HAD 120 AT HOME I CAN ASSURE YOU I WOULD EAT THEM I AM GOING TO SEE A SOBOXONE DOCTOR ON FRIDAY I HOPE IT WORK LIKE EVERYONE SAYS SO I WOULD LIKE ANY INPUT ANYONE HAS ON THIS DRUG I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO QUIT OTHER DRUGS AND DRINKING BUT I CANT KICK THE PILLS NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY SO HUNTER HAND IN THERE I KNOW THAT IT DOES GET BETTER AND ITS KIND OF EASY TO QUIT BUT TO STAY CLEAN IS VERY HARD ALSO I AM TO VERY ACCTIVE IN CHURCH SO I HEAR YOU ON THAT NOTE

[mpvt]

Keep up the good work Hunter!!!!!You might want to pick up some imodium AD,advil gel caps and sports drinks like Gatorade to replace electolites and to keep you hydrated.Hang in there...Dave

[cluelessNJ]

Hey everyone! Hope you are are ok! Chrish~ You are quiet, you ok?

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dizzy23]

Keep up the good work Hunter.It is hard,but you can do it.We are all here to show you support and help in anyway we can.We[some of us] have been there.It will get easier as time goes by,you just have to be strong and stick with it!!

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[Hunterdog]

Debbie:

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Even though I feel aweful, my resolve remains strong. My body feels as though it weighs a zillion pounds and it is hard to find the motivation to do much of anything. My Banker is on the way to the office so I've got to find the resolve and the strength to stand tall and act as though I feel fine. Geeze I hate these meetings with the bank. The company has to pledge something like three dollars in assets for every dollar we borrow and they act as though they are doing us this huge favor.

In any event, its been 43 hours. The temptation is there to take "just one or two" to get over the edge but I won't. I sure aint gonna throw away the past 43 hours of feeling terrible. I know it will pass with time.

Thanks again for the kind words.

Hunterdog

[dizzy23]

quote:I know it will pass with time.

And it will!!!!I know it is not easy...I have been there!!!Trust me!!!I'm praying for you and wish you all the luck in the world.I know the physical things you are dealing with right now suck...but it will ease up soon!!HANG IN THERE!!!!

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

Taken it a day at a time.

[Hunterdog]

Chris:

There's lots of helpful people on this site to offer words of encouragement and prayers of support.

As for myself, I'm closing in on 48 hours without using. Not a huge accomplishment but still, its a start. This is my third time of going cold turkey.

While it is no fun to go through, I am excited none-the-less that I've at least started once again on the road to recovery. Hopefully before long, I will be counting the days instead of the hours.

Hope you stick with it. What most have found I believe is that the most important thing is to not cave in to those impulses to make all the discomfort go away by using.

I had a very important meeting earlier today and there was this enormous temptation to pop a few just to get past the meeting but I didn't.

I would much rather have my relationship with God than one with the pills.

46 1/2 hours and counting.

Hunterdog

[Hunterdog]

By the way.

Tomorrow I'm not coming into the office at all so I will probably not post. I'm going to throw my leg across my motorcycle and ride to the coast for a day of R & R.

I'll return on Friday.

Hunterdog

[chrish1]

Hey NS Clueless. I'm doing good. I went through some cravings, but I have pretty much determined it was a result of being stressed and tired. I need to always remember to put my recovery first. I've put WAY too much into this recovery business to have a relapse now. Anyway, I'm taking tomorrow off work, and then I have next Mon-Wed. off. I am really looking forward to a little R&R. Work is going really well, but as you know I am in sales, and when I am doing well it usually means I have more stress and less rest. We (myself and my assistant) have already invoiced over a half a million $ in IT product this month, and we did $1.1 million in sales last month. I need to be careful not to hinge my identity on my work success - that will take me right back to where I was: using Oxy all day, every day, including at work. SO, I decided to leave put recovery as first priority again and take some days off. My Assistant will be able to hold down the fort while I'm out. I have such a great program, and I just need to keep working it. Also, I need to concentrate on my spiritual growth more than my career growth. The career growth is just a side benefit. I was really happy to read your words about Easter. My first clean holiday was big for me also. You are getting really close to 3 months - that is huge! I'm so happy for you NS Clueless.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[chrish1]

Hunterdog, Dizzy, Bentonville... everybody: Hang in there and don't lose the desire to stop using. It can be done if you find a personal program that works for you. The things that work for my program might not work for you, but here are some things you might try to incorporate: Exercise, prayer, meditation, education on addiction (books for example), support groups (NA, AA, PA... etc), talking with other addicts, on-line forums (like this one), church, keeping busy but not too busy, telling very close friends and relatives for support...etc.

Congrats to anybody who puts together one day of clean time. One clean day in the life of an addict contains an element of success. Clean days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months turn into years. Just concentrate on staying clean today.

Gina, X, B - Hope all is well. Please check in from time to time and let us know how you are doing.

Girlie[:0] - I hope you are doing well and you still have the desire to live clean.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[VTX1300]

Hey all. All is well with X. Closing in on 4 months, now. It's almost hard to believe, and yet it seems like active addiction is ancient history. Just being vigilant.

Someone earlier said it well. Easter sunday is the greatest gift we have been given. It is the one day of the year that allows us the hope of a better day.....

God bless each and every one of you.

Blessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

WHO'S NEXT????

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm


-------------------------

[Hunterdog]

Thought I'd stop by the office before heading for the coast.

It was an interesting night. Just as I was finally dropping off to sleep, (about 1:30 a.m.), my son burst into the bedroom asking for a fire extinguisher. I was instantly upright and raced to the kitchen and grabbed the extinguisher we keep under the kitchen sink. I started up stairs, thinking he had somehow started a fire in his room but he told me that a neighbor's car was on fire.

When I went outside, the car was WAY beyond what the fire extinguisher could handle. We grabbed the neighbor's garden hose but that too failed to even put a dent in it.

We live in a rather up-scale neighborhood and the neighbor in question is a Federal Marshal. It seems that somebody doesn't like him and torched his car.

By the time the fire department got there the car's gas tank had exploded raining fire down on the garage roof and their tree.

We spent the next few hours with the neighbors, and the arson investigators. I finally decided that I'd sleep another night.

In any event, still clean and I do feel a bit better than yesterday. Still not much energy but the restless legs didn't come to visit last night and for that, I'm thankful.

To everyone, thanks for your words of encouragement. For now, I'm off on a 3 hour motorcycle ride to the coast. Should be a great day.

Be blessed.

Hunterdog

[chrish1]

X - Thanks for the post. It's good to hear from you. We went to a Luthern service for Easter. My wife was brought up Luthern, and I was brought up Catholic (9 years Catholic school). Anyway, the pastor had a really great sermon. He talked about how he saw his friends almost die spiritually during some really hard circumstances and tribulations and how he helped walk them through those tough times. When we get some clean time and find a connection with God in a sense we are spiritually resurrected.

Congrats to all those with clean time!

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[Hunterdog]

Day Four!

What a treat to be able to count the days rather than the hours!

Yesterday was fantastic. I so used to love riding my motorcycle and drink in all the things one misses while driving a car. I used to think that most of the joy was derived from the Hydro's. How wrong I was. Yesterday showed me that all those great feelings are just as powerful clean as they ever were high.

Still not much sleep. The restless legs were troublesome last night but I did manage 4 or 5 hours.

Feeling better all the time.

Best to everyone.

Hunterdog

[ginafl2]

Hi Everyone,

I was out on business most of the week. I'm back though. How is everyone doing? I might be going back on sub. The cravings are getting too bad. i almost bought pills on the internet yesterday. I am getting debilitating headaches and my back is starting up again. I may even have to get another epidural. My Doctor said he was suprised my last one lasted as long as it did. I just don't want to go back to pill seeking. That is a horrible life.

[Hunterdog]

gina:

I've never posted directly to you but did want to tell you that I have benefited from your posts in the past. Because of that, I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling. Quite frankly, your posts in part, have contributed to my decision to pursue recovery once again. Thank-you for that.

I pray that God will give you the strength to remain strong............ and clean. I know that pain sucks. My hip and low back are a recurring problem and have been for many years. Personally however, I'd rather deal with the pain than the ugliness of addiction.

Thanks again for all your posts in the past. Prayers away!

Hunterdog

[cluelessNJ]

Gina~ Hang in there sweetie! The cravings will pass! I was having a really rough time the last 2 weeks and now I am over it (for this moment). Are you good at distracting yourself? I find myself walking the dog ALOT!

X~ Glad your doing well! Keep coming and sharing with us!

Chrish~ I am coming up on 3 months!!!!!!!! YEAH! Its actually in 2 days! I couldn't imagine my life would be this good SOBER! I love having money to blow on nonsence now. I love to buy clothes and stupid stuff for the dog. 3 months ago I wouldn't spend money on myself because I felt so sh*tty about my life. I think learning to live again it a wonderful thing (confusing at times) but enjoyable! I'm glad work is going so well for you! Yes it can be stressful but if you spin it you can think the more stressful it is the more money you will make! I am so prud of you for fighting all your cravings and staying clean. I am also so greatful that you share it with all of us! Thank you!

Hunter~ I can see the changes in your posts. Its amazing to see before your eyes someones strugle become positive. Its like finally starting to see a form of light at the end of the tunnel. I am SO happy for you! I'm glad you had a great time riding yeasterday! Keep busy, the time flies by!

Everyone I missed~ Hang in there, it does get easier!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Hunterdog]

clueless:

I have been following your posts from the very 1st time you posted. At that time, I was so envious of your sign-off showing your clean date. I would think to myself how fortunate you were to have already started recovery. Then as your posts grew more positive and the physical cravings and problems diminished, I was even more jelaous! In a way, I was living vicariously through you. Now I've got a few days under my belt as well.

Like many others on this board, you have been a huge source of inspiration for me.

Thanks to you, and to all the others who come here and post and are so honest and transparent, sharing their victories, temptations, doubts and failures. It is not easy to share ones failures with others but it is so crucial to be honest with SOMEBODY.

Thanks again for all your posts.

Hunterdog

[chrish1]

Whooo hoooo! 3 months coming up for NS Clueless! Congrats, that is a huge accomplishment. 3 months is a big one. Stay vigilant, the cravings will probably still come and go. I say this from experience as you know. This last bout of cravings that I got right after I hit 6 months was one of the toughest. Seriously, I almost relapsed. Somehow, I found the strength to get though it, and now I haven't had bad cravings in a couple days. Prayer and meditation got me through it. I am putting my recovery first, and I took the day off yesterday. Oh, pure heaven with the kids in school and no responsibilities beyond determining which movie I should watch next on DVD. I was going to take off next Mon-Wed. also, but we can't go on the little vacation we planned since the kids have some kind of testing in school next week. So, I'm just going to take off Monday, and then I'll probably take off the next 2 Fridays (instead of 3 days in a row). In some ways, that is even better. It's all about putting my recovery first. My next big goal is 9 months and then 1 year.

Gina - Stay strong. NS Clueless is right, it will pass. Sometimes it just takes a while. Pray and ask God for help, and help will be provided. Build your faith, and you will succeed.

Hunter - Keep it up. It's great to see you putting together some clean time. You are right that this board is a great place to be honest. Heck, if we can't be honest on a forum, where we don't actually see or hear anybody we are chatting with, where can we be honest! Great point.

Hang in there everyone, and congrats to everyone who has at least one day of clean time. We do it ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--