[aguirre16]

Hello all! Day 8 and I'm here. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I went thru a 2 day phase where the cravings got pretty bad. I've been inundating myself with all the info on the net regardng addiction. I needed a break from all of that and tried to just have a few days where all of my thoughts weren't on my pills and addiction. Make sense? Physically I'm doing fine. Still some restless nights, but nothing major. It's the mental part I'm dealing with now. There has been temptation it seems EVERYWHERE this week! On Tuesday and Wednesday the craving was at an all-time high. It seems it was all I could think of. But I made it thru and today I feel good. Having dinner with my inlaws tonight and it will be the first time facing them since all this came out. They know everything, but I haven't seen them. I'm a little nervous. Not in the sense that I'm scared of how they'll act towards me or what they'll say. I just feel ashamed about everything and am nervous about showing my face. Well that's not entirely true...I have such a dashingly handsome face ! Kidding of course. My inlaws are very spiritual and are just wonderful people. I know they will have nothing but prayers and support for me. But still nervous. Her father and I have a heart to heart scheduled for tomorrow. There are some things I want to say directly to him and let him know how sorry I am. And to also let him know how serious I am about kicking this habit.

Gina...I'm so happy you are feeling a bit better. Thanks for asking about me. I genuinely appreciate it. Just keep on keeping on babe! I think you have been thru the hardest part and you are just now starting to see the sun. Stay strong and keep telling yourself that YOU are more powerful than your pills and your addiction combined! You can be unbeatable once you've made your mind up.

To everyone else out there fighting the fight, just keep taking it one second at a time. I know it's very cliche, but it is sooooo true. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. That's how we have to get thru this. Much love to all of you out there!

[chrish1]

Gina - 3 weeks is HUGE! Congratulations. You've told your story, and it has been a long struggle for you, just like it was for myself and other recovering addicts. I can relate since my fight against the obsession and compulsion to use has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Thank you so much for your last post - It really says so much about your character, heart, and courage. Keep doing the deal, and keep coming back. Thank you for all of your great contributions to this board.

Aguirre - keep up the solid recovery work!

N/S Clueless - Are you okay?

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

P.S. I've been thinking for a couple weeks about how I've had information about NA on my signature. I've been wondering whether or not it violates the 11th tradition of NA which states, " Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." NA is still a big part of my recovery, and I need to focus on carrying the message to anyone who may be interested in looking into it, but I need to be careful not to promote it since that would violate the 11th tradition. I've decided to remove the information since it may violate the 11th tradition of NA, and I need to investigate it further.

[ginafl2]

Aguirre-I know where you are at. It might get even worse. Keep busy, plan something for every minute of everyday.

OCP-Where you at?

G

[ocpheend]

im still here, just took a read today, have been keepin myself decently busy.

If u cant do the time -- Then dont do the crime.

[cluelessNJ]

Hey, I'm still here! I went and satyed at my moms house because today was the funeral! I DID NOT use! I am SO very proud of me! It has been on my mind but I will not give in....I am not willing to give up my clean time.

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Happy Friday everyone!

I took today off, vacation day. I just was feeling burnt out, so I told my boss I was taking a 3 day weekend. When I get tired and feel burnt out, I start thinking about using more. So, I need to be proactive sometimes and ask for some time off. My recovery has to come first, otherwise I may relapse. Heck, I get 7 weeks vacation this year since I celebrated 10 years with my company in February, so I might as well use the days. Anyway, I'm feeling much better today, and I'm glad I took this day off. It is so important to my sanity and chance of staying clean.

Anyway, I wanted to share something I read earlier about facing challenges in recovery:

"As always, we have a choice in how we will approach life's challenges. We can dread and avoid them as threats to our serenity or we can gratfully accept them as opportunities for growth. By confirming the principles we've learned in recovery, life's challenges give us increased strength. Without such challenges however, we could forget what we've learned and begin to stagnate. These are the opportunities that prod us to new spiritual awakenings.

We will find that there is often a period of rest after each crisis giving us time to get accustomed to our new skills. Once we've reflected on our experience, we are called on to share our knowledge with someone who is studying what we've just learned. In the school of recovery, all of us are teachers as well as students."

N/S Clueless - Great job not using!


Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

[VTX1300]

Hello all,

Glad to hear all the good news around here.

Clueless NJ-- You're doing awesome!!!!! Keep up the great work. I'm proud of you, also.

Chrish1-- You go bro!!!!! Gotta takes some time for ourselves. I hope the remainer of the long weekend is good for you. Very nice read about "facing challenges in recovery." I enjoyed it. Bless you, bro.

ocpheend--Glad to see you are still coming back. Keep sharing. You may need us right now, but we need you just as much. Keep fighting the good fight.

aguirre-- Day 8, awesome. Sounds like you have a very good support network of family around you. It is a very, very hard thing to "Come clean" with our loved ones about our addiction. But it is worth it in the end. I'm really proud of you for being open and honest with your family. That is a big step to take, but IMHO one that is a must if we are to fully recover. Keep fighting the good fight, and sharing with us.

Gina-- 3 weeks is awesome!!!!! You should be proud of yourself for making the choice to stay clean. I know I am very proud of you. You've fought a tough battle, and are succeeding. Keep up the great job.

It seems I got you a little fired up with my last couple post. I assure you that wasn't my intent. I do, however, want to expound on a couple of things that I said. For it seems like the message I sent wasn't how I wanted to come acrossed.

First, When I talk about a "desire to quite" being a requirement. Perhaps I should rephrase that. What I mean by this is that IMHO, I believe that EVERYONE who is on this site has a desire to quite. Lurkers, posters, active users, addicts in relapse, addicts in recovery, EVERYONE on this site has a desire to quite using. IMHO, if we all didn't have a least some desire to quite, we wouldn't be here. Do you know what I mean?? With that being said, EVERYONE HERE HAS MET THE REQUIREMENT. Because even if someone is still in active addiction and is sharing, that person very well may be able to get help. And that same person very well may be able to help someone else out on the board. It is a win-win situation, IMHO. As you have stated, all are welcome here. Because all that are here have something that they can contribute to the site. I believe that ALL who are here have a desire to quite, even if they don't realize it yet. I am trying to plant a seed in the heads of those who don't realize it, yet

When I talk about "the only good day in an addicts live is a clean day" here is what I am talking about. Things are still going to happen to us that can be good or bad. These things we have no control over. They are going to happen, whether we like them or not. The only thing we can control is ourselves, our choices, and how we react to the things that happen around us. As addicts, many times we use the things that happen around us as reasons to use. But we can't control those things. What we can control, is if we chose to use or not. Now I'm not saying that we aren't gonna have days where the things that happen around us aren't gonna be bad. We are gonna have those days. But the fact that we have ****py days like this, and still chose not to use makes it a good day. When I say that the things going on around us are inconsequencial, I don't mean that these things can't wear you down or effect you. What I mean is that even though you had a ****py day due to things going on around, you chose not to use and that is good day.

I don't think that NA/AA is the only way, actually what has gotten me clean is far from that. I do think that these organizations have merit and help a lot of people get their lives in order. It has been one of several means by which I have recovered from my addiction, but to be honest with you, I haven't been to a meeting in over 2 1/2 months. I do use some of the buzz phrases that I have picked up there to try and emphasize things that I am saying. But in now way do I think that this is the only way to get clean. In fact, to give you my real thoughts about my recovery, it has been my growing spiritual growth that has most helped my recovery. My belief that there is a God who loves me, and has forgiven me for my mistakes. This is what has helped me to learn how to live life on life's terms. I used to try to control all the things that went on around me. And when I failed to be able to do that, I turned to my addiction to numb the pain of failure. Now I believe that God has things in control and I've just got to learn how to roll with the situations thrown my way. I believe that He will give me all that I need to get thru these situations, and have learned to rely on Him and not so much on me. I believe that the knowledge that I have gained from NA was one of the tools that was laid at my feet to take advantage of, and aid in my recovery. It is one of several tools that has been given to me.

I am an advocate of addicts moving from active addiction to recovery. I don't care how each of us get there, I just want us all to get there. I know that things that seem to be bad initially, can end up to be a blessing in the end. For example toward the end of 2005, I was clean, and then relapsed. At first it seemed like I had no hope to ever kick this pig. But I got back up and tried again. I took a long hard look at things and my life and tried to figure out how I went wrong in my previous clean time. I learned from my mistakes, and so far it has paid off, for I have been able to stay in recovery.

I don't believe there is a magic bullet or only way to get clean for every addict. We all come from different backgrounds and are all individuals. So it makes sense that people will find different ways to stay clean. What we do have is a bunch of addicts, active and recovering, who are sharing our experiences and trials and errors in a way that could help someone else with their addiction. And at the same time, we are helping ourselves. Again, it is a win-win situation.

I hope this explains a little better where I am coming from. My sincere appologies for any offense I may have cause to people on the site. I love you all, and hope that each and every one of you can find your recovery. Prayers are being said for each and everyone of you.


BLessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

WHO'S NEXT????

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm


-------------------------

[chrish1]

X - Thanks for checking in and carrying the message. It's always refreshing to see that you are living by spiritual principles and now dwelling on your past. We addicts should always focus on "the next right thing." I think when we are in active addiction, we lose that conscience, or that voice that guides us. After time we start getting back that "gut feeling" about what we are doing. It's almost like we are relearning to be children.

Aguirre, Gina, Tinkers, N/S Clueless, OCP - Hang in there. This month, I have decided to concentrate on the principle of Optimism. I am starting to see great value in positive thinking, and it is helping me stay clean. I made a gratitude list of 10 things that I am grateful for in my life, and I go to that list and contemplate it several times a day. I think it is starting to shape my attitute. If we can keep our attitude right, we have a much greater chance of staying clean. And, if that crazy addict voice in our head starts chirping, all we have to do is RUN THE TAPE to where addiction brought us, and think about all of the blessings we are/will gain with clean time. Anyway, just thought I'd share my new tool.

Have a great Saturday!

Chrish


Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[cluelessNJ]

Hey, I'm been lurking but not really in the mood to post but I realized that posting most likely will make me feel better! Since the funeral yeasterday I am still thinking about the pills. Its so crazy that this is the first REALLY emotional trial I have had since quitting. It really shows how powerful your mind can be. I know I have gotten close to relapsing before but I really thought this past week was the week! I just kept running the tape in my mind and convincing myself it would pass! What I am trying to say is that it was very hard but I didn't need to use and its nice that my true feelings were present at her funeral. As addicts we suppress all our feelings and I think thats what I wanted to do! I didn't want to be upset!

Chrish~ Whats up with the signature? I liked it! I think it validates who you are and proves that in your case NA DID and is working!!!! I know I said it enough that I am not a AA/NA person but I know many people who had had alot of success with it! I love reading your posts and that you share your knowledge and experiences with all of us! Thank you!

X~I also love reading your posts! I don't think it matters what inspires posts sometimes, I think each person takes what they need from each post! Sometimes your posts make me feel like you are reading my mind! I thank you for your participation here!

Gina~ I am so proud of you! Keep posting with us!

Ocp~ How are you? I'm glad you found us!

If you take anything from this post let it be..........No matter what DO NOT USE!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[VTX1300]

CluelessNJ-- I missed something!!! What funeral????

I'm very proud of you for fighting off the urge to use. You're doing very well and are learning how to live life on lifes terms. We are gonna have good times, and stressful times. That's part of life. The tough times we go thru in life, the trials, are tests for us. To see where are loyalties really lie. Seems like you've been thru the test and have passed with flying colors. You said it all in your closing remarks. Don't use, no matter what. Congrads on getting thru your first emotional time without using.

Dude, it is perfectly alright to be lurking and not talking much. You do what you gotta do, just keep coming back my friend. I'm sure you've got a lot of emotions going on inside right now. Work thru them, we'll be here when you need us. God Bless you and yours.

Chrish1-- No doubt about the need for a positive outlook. You know, it wasn't long ago when I ran thru the "things to be thankful for" list, as you are talking about. At first when I say down, I wasn't sure how many things I would be able to list. Turns out that list had grown quite long, as long as I looked at things with the right attitude.

I'D like to jump on your coat tail of optimism for a minute and share something I recently heard about attitude.

The saying goes that our attitude is composed of 10% of our environmental stimuli and 90% how we respond to the environment. When you think about this, it is very true.

For instance, let's say we've got a coworker who REALLY gets under our skin for one reason or another. The coworker is our stimuli. And we can respond to this person in one of two ways.
1> We can let them burrow into our heart like a drill. Loathing every passing seconds we have to be in the same room with this person, or
2> we can look at this person as the gold standard by which we can compare all other people we interact with on a daily basis. If this person is the gold standard, then most certainly the majority of other people we come in contact with will be much better. So every time we come in contact with Mr./Mrs. crabby-????, it will make us THANKFUL for all the other people we come in contact with.

Attitude........
Now these two scenarios represent the opposite extremes in the attitude spectrum, and most of us fall somewhere inbetween. Our objective should be to try and improve on the 2nd scenario daily, thereby alienating the 1st scenario that is in all of us.

Well, hope someone can meditate on this and get some good out of it.

Kind of quiet tonight on the board. I'd like to hear from everyone. Hope all is well in your life.


Take a moment tonight to say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight.

BLessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

WHO'S NEXT????

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm


-------------------------

[chrish1]

Hi - I hope everybody is staying clean. I've been in and out of a funk the last couple days. It seems that most days are good now that I am nearly 6 months clean, but I still have some days where I just don't feel quite right. I'm sure most of you can relate to that. I'm not really concerned because it always passes, and I'll probably feel great again tomorrow. I'd say I usually feel good 5 or 6 days out of the week now.

N/S Clueless, I know what you mean about posting. It usually makes me feel a bit better also. Sharing our struggles helps to dissolve them, and sharing our good thoughts helps to multiply them. See, I'm already starting to get in a better mood. You are right that NA is a big part of my recovery and who I have become. I will still talk about NA since really that is what helped me to get clean, and I work the NA program daily (steps). Arizona has a great NA program. I just finished the 6th step yesterday, and I am starting my 7th today. It has changed my life and attitude for the better. However, NA is just part of my recovery, and I have other tools I use such as this board. It may not be for everyone, and I don't have any problem with that.

X - You are right. It is not our surroundings and things that happen to us that make us. It is our actions and attitudes, and both of these involve choice. The Triangle of Self Obsession involves resentments (about the past), anger (in the present), and fear (about the future). We need to learn to trust and have faith in a higher power to dissolve these 3 and change our attitude so that we can practice the principles of gratitude and optimism. Thanks for sticking with our fellowship we have developed on this board.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[ginafl2]

Sorry I haven't posted much this weekend, I guess i haven't had much to say. I have had a really busy weekend and have found myself a little low on energy. I have been sleeeping great though.

I'm glad you all are doing well. Clueless good for you for not using. I hope I can make it as far as you have.

I'm having a horrible time with allergies right now. I live in the Central Valley of california and I get allergies really bad. I am only 28 and have already developed vertigo. Usually our older folks get that because of all the farming dust. Anyway my eyes are really bothering me.
I guess I should just be grateful i have eyes. Anyway talk to you guys later.

Everyone keep praying. Oh I went to confession yesterday and it was great. I told the priest about my problem and he told me to keep praying for strength.

Gina

[ginafl2]

aguirre, are you out there? How are things going?
OCP, how about you?

Things are getting better and better for me. You guys have a lot to look forward to.

[lordy]

Hey all,
I just wanted to say hello. I'm been lurking, also lapsing. I just can't seem to get a handle in the "pill thing." I called a Suboxone clinic today, and the social worker told me that since I'm not hooked on anything right now (just think about it constantly!!) I'm not a good candidate for Suboxone. The thought of being hooked on something else really does scare me, anyway....but people who take it say it's sort of a miracle drug....oh, I dunno. I just wanted to check in. Not-so-Clueless and Chrish, you two have been a HUGE inspiration to me. NSC, I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother! In the end, of course, you'll be glad you didn't use through this. A friend of mine fell off a cliff and died 2 1/2 years ago, and the best part was that I got through it w/o booze or pills. To this day, I can see that my grief over him was purely rendered, purely honored, if that makes any sense. I mean facing a tragedy, clean, just makes all the difference in the world. So I hope you haven't used-- you've been quite a boost to me, this past while. I'm very ashamed that I can't manage my own problem better then I have.
Chrish, I like your triangle analogy-- because it is fear I feel more then anything right now, acute terror in fact, about living w/o pills. I know I need to, but I just can't seem to get my mind around it. I wake up at two in the morning in a completely desperate and miserable state, wondering why I can't stop. I used to do that with drinking--- now that I've had a few months w/o booze, of course, the cravings for pills are worse, worse, worse than ever. I keep telling myself (at 2 AM) that at least I'm not lying there hungover, trying to remember what happened the night before. And it's such a mother****ing relief not to feel that shame anymore. So then I think, "See? Without pills, I could *also* shake free of this fear.... I could actually live in peace.
But I guess by now it's more then peace that I want-- I want to be feel good and normal and happy--- and yet I've altered my own chemicals so much already, after years of abuse, that it's hard to believe there really is another way to live, out there---.
Anyway, I'm out here and sad, but reading these postings helps. Thanks for those of you to continue to toe-the-line. It's pretty amazing to me. Chrish! Six months! Oh, man!! That's really just so fantastic.

Nicole

[chrish1]

Lordy (Nicole) - Thank you for your post. It really helped my mood. I'm having a good week so far, but I'm putting up with a little BS from coworkers here and there. It seems there is a lot of tension in the air, and a couple people have been taking their **** out on me. Now that I am clean, I don't have to react the way I use to - defensively and revengefully. I don't need to harbor resentments anymore. Sure, I can feel mad and hold temporary resentments, but now I can work through it and ultimately feel better because I did the next right thing.
Today, I have choices.
I can choose not to use; I can choose not to react to negativity; I can choose to be responsible, honest, trusting, faithful, kind, loving... etc. My choices today are limitless since I am not using. Using locks us into a mentality that lacks freedom and happiness, and removes and limits our ability to make choices. I'm glad I can be of some inspiration to you. Keep coming back.

Yes, TODAY I AM 6 MONTHS CLEAN!
Nothing short of a miracle.

N/S Clueless, where are you? It makes me nervous when your posting times grow longer apart. Remember how this board was a big part in getting you clean, and keep coming back! X- same goes for you.

Hope everybody else is doing well. Take it one day at a time, and you will succeed. It's when we start thinking too far into the future that we get ourselves in trouble.

Chrish




Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[ginafl2]

Chrish-Congrats on six months. That is wonderful.

[girlie girl]

Chrish six month is GREAT!!!! I am so proud of you. Not only have you stayed clean but you have been helping other people get there too!! You are a great guy and Its all good good from here on out honey!! You have a long happy life without ****py pills!! CONGRATS! Hello X,ClueLess,Lordy,Gina....I hope yall are doing good. Im still here. Have a Great Night!! [:X]

Girlie Girl

[girlie girl]

ClueLess, I am so sorry for the lose of your grandmother. Mine died 3 weeks ago...had heart trouble and before that she was very healthy. Live by her self even did exercise class 4 days a week. Its very hard not to use during times like that. I hope your ok and my prayers are with you. [:X]

Girlie Girl

[cluelessNJ]

Hey everyone~~ I'm still here and still clean! I think if I can fight the cravings I have had this last week I can continue to DO IT! They have passed now, thank god! I'm trying to keep myself really busy so I don't have time to think!

Chrish~ 6 months is AWESOME!!!!! I am so proud of you! You are a huge inspiration for me and I can't wait until I get to 6 months!

Girlie~ I'm sorry for your loss as well! It has been very hard not to use! I think it was really good to have my true feelings present at the funeral but, I kept thinking (in my evil head) that it would be much easier with pills. Stupid right? I had cravings for 6 days! I even had 2 dreams about having the pills in my hand and as soon as I went to take them I woke up! Its weird but I think I battle addiction in my sleep to! Its so good to hear from you! Keep coming back and posting with us! We miss you girlie!

Lordy~ Great post! I've missed ya!

I will be back on later! My boss keeps calling and driving me NUTS!



Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[ginafl2]

I had a pill dream last night too. I hate those dreams.

[dizzy23]

I just found out the hard way how hard it is to lose someone you care about when you are trying to stay clean.My ex-husband killed himself last Tuesday and the past week has really tested me.I guess it is normal to blame yourself in some way when someone in your life takes theirs.So far I have won over the pain pills but not sure if it will last!!!It is so hard!!!!!

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

[kcooleymac]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss Dizzy. I feel for you> I just hope that you don't do something yourself. You have to realize that his death is not your fault & try to stay strong for yourself. I haven't read all of the posts from the past 3 months on this, but I have skimmed through as it is dificult for me to focus on things for long amounts of time. I just know that I have had a problem with pain medications and not because i was prescribed to them. I am 6 days clean as of today and I hate the feelings I feel. But, I am staying strong despite all of the stress around me. I knwo if I can do that as a weak person trying to be strong, that you can too. I do not know exactly what you are going through. I just want to be supportive of you as I would hope someone would be to me. Please know that this is not your fault and that you just need to concentrate on your life and making the right decisions so that you prosper and are able to feel good about yourself!

-Kristine

[all2007]

Im so sorry to hear of your loss i cant imagine what you are going thru but please know you will be in my prayers!
mary

[cluelessNJ]

Dizzy, I am sorry for your loss. I do know what you are going thru because I am going thru it to! I am finally at the point where I will not use but I admit getting to this point was very hard! I wish it was as easy as picking up and using but I feal not using is a much harder decision.......... I know for me the easy route would have been to use but I choose to fight the cravings and go on with my plan I have for my life! I hope and pray that everyone reading this realizes that we all have choices and we decided what holds our future...........Ride that out. Only you can choose your destiny!!!!! Remember that! I know this past week I have had cravings for 6 days and if I can fight that I (in my on opinion) think anyone can fight off any cravings that they have! Continue the fight!!!! Its not as strong as you think (at the time)!!! Please, don't give in to this! What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger! I am living that right now! Stick with it! The grass is greener on the sober side!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

OK, So I am at another weak point. I am craving right now! I don't know what to do! My fiance (yes, we now got engaged since I stopped spending his money on drugs also) Yeah, Congrats to me, I am the worst bride to be EVER! I feel like a piece of sh*t for feeling this way but I can't help it! We went to bed 40 mins. ago and all I can think about are pills! WTF is my problem? I feel like I have been clean for so long that it shouldn't be a problem anymore! Why is this happening now? I don't get it! My headd is SO f'ed up! I just want it to leave me alone but it won't stop telling me to pick up the phone and HELP myself! WHY NOW! Why this far into my recovery is my mind messing with me? It is making me lose sleep!

Chrish~ Where you at? I need someone right now to set me straight! Praying is not working right now! Its actually making my leg itch! Weird? Need you right now! I'm gonna take some benadryl and hope to get some sleep!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

N/S Clueless - I'm here for you, and I can relate. Some weeks are harder than others in recovery, and it is usually during the rough times where we are feeling sad, tired, angry, or lonely where we want to use. You just worked through a tough time. Give yourself a pat on the back! When I get cravings, the first thing I try to remember is this too shall pass. I usually don't try to fight with the crazy addict thoughts too much because it is like fighting with a spoiled bratty 5 year old. I just sit still and wait for it to pass. I usually find that it passes faster that way. If I have to I will also "run the tape." You already use that... I like to run it to the time I was using and felt totally spiritually dead and unhappy since I know I don't ever want to get back there. Remember, there is no such thing as just one pill or just a few. Once we get started, it is harder to quit than the last time often. Don't be so hard on yourself for having the crazy addict thoughts - they will be around, maybe always, but they get weaker with time usually. I had strong cravings this morning on the way to work, and I just let them pass. They actually came and went throughout the day, but I never came anywhere close to using.
The important thing is that you didn't use.
Keep doing what you are doing, and you will be rewarded. Grace dawns with hard work - remember all of those angels watching over you? You have so much going for you - try to think about all of the things in your live that you are grateful for over the next couple days. I'm glad you are posting again in any case, especially when you are craving. We relapse when we keep secrets, and you are doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and this forum. Anyway, hope that helps a little.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[chrish1]

Dizzy, sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad to hear you are working through it clean. Things are going to happen that make us feel strong feelings, and if we use during those times, we will never grow. Just when I think I have my emotions in check and everything is great, something will happen that will totally throw off my emotional/spiritual balance. But, once I work through those times, I come out a stronger person, and I pick up new tools to use in recovery.

Girlie[:0] - Hey girl. I'm glad you checked in. Sorry to hear about your recent loss. Keep coming back!

Gina and NS Clueless - Yeah, using dreams are very common when we are getting some clean time. I think I had probably 20+ using dreams in my first month clean - no exaggeration. It is perfectly normal, in fact, expected in early recovery. The cool thing is, it's just a dream! Yes, it is a testament of how deep the pills can entrench into our spirit. It used to feel like my using was like a nightmare I was coming out of. Now, it feels more like I am going into a good dream. If we get some clean time, it actually gives us a real chance to help other fellow addicts. What other chance have we had in our lives to make a real impact on humanity? ****, I sell computer equipment for a living. Being a recovering addict has given a new purpose to my life.... and the cool thing is, it helps me just as much as other addicts when I am trying to help. It works both ways. I kind of went off on a tangent there.

kcooleymac - congrats on 6 days clean. That's how we get some real time, one day at a time. Keep coming back!

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--There is light at the end of the tunnel--

[jhl]

Hey everyone - I am on my 6th day being clean from a hydro addiction. The physical withdrawals have not been as bad for me as the mental ones. I have been really blue. There are a lot of major things going on in my life that I am having a hard time dealing with -hence the addiction in the first place. I am just trying to take one hour at a time. It helps to know that I am not alone in feeling this way - thanks for sharing all of your stories!

jhl

[cluelessNJ]

jhl~ I am very happy for you! You are on your way! Keep it up!

This has been a VERY trying time in my recovery but I made it! I got thru it! I ran the tape and continued to think "this will pass". Yes chrish, I do listen when you write to us! I believe it helps keep me where I am today! I thank you! Actually, I don't think I can thank you enough!
To let everyone know.... Your cravings will pass. you will feel normal again (well, as close to normal as one can get). I am so greatful that I found this board and all of you to help me thru this!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dizzy23]

Thank you all for the encouragement!!!Wanted to let you know I have not used as of this minute.It is very hard for me.I keep feeling like I should have done more to help him.He told me was going to commit suicide and I didn't believe him[he had said it b/4].I did try to get him in the hospital but he wouldn't go.I know I have to take it a day at a time.Please keep me in your prayers.I'm not a strong person!!Again, thanks for the support.

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!