[dizzy23]

quote:This is my family doctor who knows that I am an addict, and his Nurse Prac. offered it to me. I can't believe my doctor didn't even tag my folder. Anyway, that is the 2nd time in the last few days that a doctor tried to give me a narcotic painkiller. What tests! I'll have 6 months clean next month, and I'm amazed that the addiction is so cunning.

You just keep telling them you don't want them darn drugs...and stay strong....most addicts would have taken the med's and ran with it and you didn't.I'm very proud of you!!!!!![8D]Ye-Haw for you.So glad you are feeling better.

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

[chrish1]

Not So Clueless, Once again you had an angel watching over you. I know, this thing is sooooooooo cunning. I was talking with my friend earlier, and I said if these doctors keep chipping away at me like that, I am going to break down sooner or later! It takes real strength to go back in there and give it back, even if it was because your boyfriend caught it. It doesn't matter at this point. The important thing is that you didn't use.

Everybody, keep relying on your higher power and support systems. We cannot do this alone!

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[cluelessNJ]

[]It is an angel watching over me. I wasn't even thinking.....Normally I would have ran with it and never looked back!!!!! The best part is I was suppossed to go alone and he came home early so I didn't have to drive (hes so sweet). Its the little things in life that mean the most! I was mad at first because I didn't want him missing time at work but hey EVERYTHING happens for a reason......I really needed him to be there. Walking back in is embarrasing. 59 days ago I would have NEVER considered walking back in........Hey, tommorrow will be 60 days clean for me!!!!!!!!! I'm not willing to give that up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

NSC, damn right you have an angel watching over you. You just keep doing what you are doing, because obviously grace has dawned on you and helped you in a couple situations. Grace always comes when true effort is put forth. I was starting to obsess a little about the cough syrup with hydro, and I went to a meeting to share.

The obsession has been lifted since I shared.
Another day, another clean day.

Gotta run... Everybody, stay strong... however and whatever works best for you. No matter what, don't use, just for today.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[ginafl2]

I just got home from my first family function without being on opiets. I even left my purse in the car, I haven't done that in years. I wasn't quite sure what was meant by "Can you get the same Doctor"
Anyway, I have 6 days no opiets and I feel good. I did get the sweats and runs this morning though. Immodium cleared up the intestinal distress though. One thing I have noticed is that I have a huge appetite now. I think right now my best move was to cut off all my sources. My addiction Doctor wrote letters to all of my other Doctor's about my problem, he says I was never truely an addict. He says I was habituated and there is a big difference. He says that Addicts think about robbing pharmacys and writing fake prescriptions and since I never did any of that I was just habituated. He is a wonderful doc, he made me feel so good about myself. He also let me do everything on my time, he never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do.
I go on walks every day and repeat the Lord's prayer and Hail Mary's when I am walking. That helps me feel a little at peace. I will keep you all in my prayers tonight and always. If I feel like I am going to use I will hopefully check in here for support. I love you all and I'm gonns go watch American Idol now.

Goodnight

[tinkers]

hi all

great job clueless i dont think i could have gave back a script and you did dont matter why what matters is that you did one think that i read in here and is very true is that i have never met an addict that hasent thought it was ok to use after a few months getting clean is easy staying clean is the hard part i have failed so many times like that its not funny but you have to pick your self up and go one more round intill you beat it so keep your heads up and help each other and we will all be clean and stay clean one day no i have a confession i did get a script for cough syrup with codine i dident fill it and i never did like codine but i dident give it back so good job clueless

[tinkers]

here is a copy of a poem that i have in my office some of you have heard this and maybe some havent

one night i dreamed i was walking along the beach with the lord.
many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
in each scene i noticed footprints in the sand.
sometimes there were two sets of footprints.
other times there were one set of footprints.

this bothered me because i noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when i was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
i could see only one set of footprints.

so i said to the lord
"you promised me lord'
that if i followed you,
you you would walk with me always.
but i have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
why, when i needed you most, you have not been there for me?"

the lord replied,
"THE TIMES WHEN YOU HAVE SEEN ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND,
IS WHEN I CARRIED YOU."


Mary Stevenson


I love this poem it helps me alot i have it framed and hanging in my office at work good luck to you all god bless

[ginafl2]

Hi Guys, I had a bad night last night. For the first time since I've been clean I couldn't sleep and i got the shakes last night. I didn't fall asleep until 2am. Has this ever happened to any of you?

[chrish1]

Ginafl2 - hang on tight, the first year clean is a real trip. Lots of ups and downs, but if we stay clean we save our souls. Using drugs takes away our ability to be human, and you will begin to remember some of the human emotions that you blocked out. Some you will welcome, and others you won't. In the end, we find that it is all worth it and we begin to feel better overall; more positive, loving, caring, hopeful, open minded, honest, willing, humble, accepting, courageous, aware, vigilant, patient, forgiving, selfless, kind, responsible, tolerant, and our relationship with our higher power multiplies. It doesn't matter how we label it (addict or habitual user). The important thing is that we recognize our problem and do something about it. You have done that. Now, you just need to stay vigilant.

Tinkers, burn that ****ing scrip! It can be done. Not So Clueless and I are proof. We have both gone months without using. I have friends in na that have been clean for years. We just celebrated an 18 year anniversary last night. 18 years clean! THAT is a miracle. I just wish the rest of the country had an NA program like we have in Chandler, AZ. The meetings are so positive, inspiring, and uplifting. I guess I just got lucky to get clean here. Stick with us. It can't be done alone.

CluelessNJ, 60 DAYS CLEAN! WOW! Congrats. Keep those angels close by. You may need them again. We can't do it alone.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[cluelessNJ]

Gina, Yes, I have been there. My first few weeks were horrible. I didn't sleep at all. But, it got better and I made it thru it! I still only sleep for 5 hous but its enough for me now. When I was using I would sleep all day if I could. Its all about changing your life and wanting more. I'm running out but I will be on later!

Chrish~~ Yes, 60 days and i'm so excited! Feels weird!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

Alright so today (Friday) is my boyfriends birthday. I have been stressing all night because I wanted to bake him a cake and I burnt the first two now I just got back from the store so I can try a third time. If this doesn't work i'm off to the bakery in the morning. I just wanted to have it out when he left for work! O-well! I want to get this. I shouldn't even think about the bakery as a cop out. Betty crocker is lovin me tonight. Had to buy 4 boxes of cake mix so far. They say the third times a charm so wish me luck! Having a cold while trying to bake is no fun!

I hope everyone is beginning to feel a little better! YOU CAN DO IT!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[VTX1300]

Hello all,

Sorry I've been delinguent in posting. I've been lurking, but not typing. And for that I am very sorry. Chris and Clueless have things very much at hand.

Clueless, congrads on the the 2 month point. You can be very proud of that feat.

Gina,

Congrads!!!

You asked about the sleeplessness, yeah I had problems with not being able to get to sleep for a little while. I use metatonin to help with the sleep. It will get better. Just keep in mind that your body took some time to become addicted and it is used to having the drug on board, now your body has to get used to NOT having it around. Keep taking it one day at a time, it will get better.

Tinkers, congrad to you also. Keep being vigilant. Life is much better now, and it is/will be for you also.

Just to catch up in my life, cuz I'm sure several of you have been concerned for me, I'm still clean. Coming up on my 90days. I haven't been very good about going to my NA meetings as I probably should, however I've been vigilant about reading my "Just for today" book daily, praying, and taking things one day at a time, and working with my niece (don't know if you remember, but she was "cutting for pleasure"). I've been "keeping what I have, by giving it away to her", and she has been doing well for the past month or so.

I decided to celebrate, so to speak, about a month ago. I splurged and bought a new Honda rubicon ATV. Shouldn't have spent the $$ on it, but felt like I should do something for myself and celebrate sobriety. I've been messing around with that a lot, and having some fun. It sure is a lot more pleasurable enjoying the quad not being stoned.

So all in all life is pretty good for me. I still have my good days and have some bad days, but it's all gravy since I've been clean. Just takin' it one day at a time.

I know a couple of you (Chris, Girlie Girl) have been asking where I was, appologies for not getting back to you till now.

Girlie Girl-- You keep fighting the good fight. You have the desire, you've just got to gitter-done. Remember what I said during the last relapse, take a look at your situation and learn from any mistakes you might have made. Then do your best to not repeat them. I remember a time when you didn't think you could ever quite using. Well, you saw you could do that. Now you just have to do it again. Keep up the good work. If it was easy, there would be no addicts in the world, but nothing worth having ever is easy.

To the newer clean people: Keep up the good work, everything while work for good, if we let it. And if you wouldn't mind, put in the signiture field on your profile your CLEAN DATE. I love to look at those, it helps me.

Well, take a minute to say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and the addict who will use for the last time tonight.

God Bless each and every one of you. You are all in my prayers.

Blessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[ginafl2]

I slept much better last night, I took a half of an ambien, I saw my addiction doc yesterday and he seems it's O.K. to use a sleep aid for the first two weeks or so. It is so weird living life without opiets, not horrible or anything just different for now. Doc says it may take up to 6 months to feel natural pleasure again. I am so happy I have you all to lean on. 7 days for me today. Oh my addiction Doc called my dentist too and told her no pain killers for me without his consultation and authorization. My husband bought me a new kitchen table and chairs that I have been wanting to celebrate my week without opiets. Thanks for everything

[tinkers]

hi all

good job gina keep it up as for me the day is almost done still feel alittle bad from flu im loosing my voice. So to all you addicts have a safe weekend and stay clean i will say a pray for you and everyone still using its a rough road but it can be done i have seen 1 good friend die from pills one who is living on the streets and his daughter is in the hospital now after buying what she thought was hydro and wasent and now she is half brain dead at 24 yrs old these things destroy lives for sure and only by the grace of my lord god i am still here and able to talk too uall today it just as easyly could have been me dead,homeless or brain dead or worse one of you so keep on keeping on ill try to read post over weekend but i dont use pc to much at home

[chrish1]

Great to see this board having some activity lately.
X - great to hear that you are doing okay. Keep comin' back. Even if it is just to say you're okay or just say hi... or tell us if you are having a bad day or a good day. I remember you said that when you keep opening up and sharing, you have a much better likelyhood of staying clean. Hopefully you can use this board for some of that outlet, good and/or bad. I was a bit concerned about you, so it's great to see you are hanging in there.

Gina, yes it is different being clean, and it takes a while for your brain to get back to normal. All of those years of using painkillers caused our brain activity to decrease, especially in some areas - so, our brain was rewiring itself to accomdate the drugs. It was being rewired to insanity. That's part of the reason why it is so hard to not only stop using, but stay clean. Our brains were rewired and our brain's desire for painkillers stays with us for a very long time (on and off). However, it does get easier and better with time. I feel like my brain is almost back to normal, and I get flashes of normal joy. It surpasses any high I ever got. Spiritual awakenings start happening when you least expect it, and they happen in the "little" things. It is the coolest thing, and it is called enjoying life and the little things in life.

Tinkers, thanks for confirming where our addiction leads us if we don't stop using: jails, institutions, and death. Just a fact. Addiction is progressive, and if we stop for a while and then pick-up again, we find that our addiction has progressed even though we haven't been using. That's why it is so important to stay clean once we get some clean time. It is still tough for me some days. Some days my addict self convinces me it is a good idea for me to use again. Luckily, I have enough education, support, and my higher power to get me out of that insane type thinking that happens since our brains rewired.

I'd like to give a shout out to Girlie Girl. We love you, and we hope that you keep the desire to get clean. Your addict self will tell you that you need that ****, but it is a big ****ing lie. It leads us to a soul-less place where lack of freedom dehumanizes us into a state of misery. That is the end of the road. Don't feel bad or beat yourself up though. When you are ready, we will be here. All we ask is that you keep the desire, and keep coming back. Check in with us soon - we miss you.

NotSoClueless, you are doing this deal - 60 days! I am so proud of you. Keep the spirit, and no matter what, don't use.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[VTX1300]

quote:Originally posted by chrish1

Great to see this board having some activity lately.
X - great to hear that you are doing okay. Keep comin' back. Even if it is just to say you're okay or just say hi... or tell us if you are having a bad day or a good day. I remember you said that when you keep opening up and sharing, you have a much better likelyhood of staying clean. Hopefully you can use this board for some of that outlet, good and/or bad. I was a bit concerned about you, so it's great to see you are hanging in there.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

Chris,

You are exactly right. I remember saying that, and to be honest, I've been focusing my attention to my niece and her problem, and not so much on myself. But that is just the sort of thinking that could get me into trouble, and that's why I through out a post last night. To take care of myself, also.

Thanks for your concern. It's always pretty cool to know that others are thinking of you, thanks bro.

G Girl-- give us a shout.

God Bless all.

Blessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[jecklnhide]

Hello All,
I posted on this board some time ago. I, too, have been battling the pain-killer addiction monkey for some years now. I have been reading all of your posts for several months back during spare minutes at my desk these last several days at work and I can definitely relate to what you all have been and are going through each in your respective situations. You see, I have been through w/d's many times and I understand the horror of running out of meds. I understand the isolation and the imprisonment of one's soul who has become dependent on pain meds. Briefly, I am 38 yrs old, married to an outstanding woman (I have really learned just how outstanding during the last few years), with two children ages 7 and 5. I am a working professional with a pretty good job. My title is a technical writer.

I began taking pain meds quite innocently as a young adult due to excessive migraines. My mom is a nurse and she would give me these little green pills for headaches and instruct me to take only 1/2 a tablet. Years passed and I took the tablets from time to time only as needed. However, one morning before work, I remember taking a whole tablet on an empty stomach for a headache. On the way to work I remember the first time I associated the tablet with a "buzz." I felt so articulate at work and the day seemed to go so much better.

Well, that was when the "Big Lie" began. I did not abuse the meds on a regular basis then because it was not very available to me. The weakness for the meds was there for me though. Over the last few years the addiciton has become out of control for me and I have seen it affect every single aspect of my life. As I look back, it seems almost scary to me how some strange force of fate (some people may say the devil himself) caused the availability of painkiller medication to become so open for me. I had a college roomate who would give me pills just for an occasional thrill high. A brother-in-law would give me medication. As well as several other sources.

Now, as I said, the addiction has affected my life tremendously. Pardon the cliche, but, I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. What is worse is that last year I made an effort to get clean, and I was able to do so for almost 3 months. Then earlier this year I gave into temptation, thinking I had control over it now, and it all started again, with a vengence.

I have read many of your posts (Chrish, Not So Clueless) and I am inspired to do this again. It really helps those of us battling to know that life can be even more happy on the other side of using. I had actually achieved some of those feelings you guys have talked about but my relapse has put me back to square one and it is so discouraging for me. Sharing in your victories makes me realize how important it is for me STAY CLEAN this time. I love life and I feel that I am smarter than this. But as Crish I believe it was posted, this addiction monster is so cunning. It fooled me into thinking I had the reigns, but I was decieved, yet again. Hang in there guys and I applaud you for foregoing the scripts. That is a great victory ! I have actually done that once before during my last clean time, but now I am starting over with 6 days under my belt. I had weaned down to about 3-4 5mg percs before I stopped and w/d has not been as bad as in the past. However, the seemingly un-ending days of near depression feelings and just not feeling happy have taken over now. I believe that to be just as bad as the physical stuff because it seems to be indefinitely un-ending. I know it takes time and that the natural "happy" endorphins will begin kicking in soon, but I just have to be patient.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am praying for each of you, no matter what stage you are approaching. Please do the same for me. And Chrish and N/S Clueless, hang in there and be strong for the long haul. Never look back and never forget just how easy it is to become trapped again. Please learn from my mistake as we all learn from one another. And continue to inspire us with your posts.It scares me sometimes that I was able to make it so long being clean, only to fall again. I just hope and pray that I can make this relapse part of my complete recovery to freedom from the "Big Lie."

Thanks, J/H

Clean Date: 3/19/06

[ginafl2]

J/H good for you, 6 days is a lot. I know I'm on day 8 now. I just found out yesterday that a girl I know went into rehab for oxycodone. I didn't even know she was still using. I knew she had a problem with it in the past but she told me her doctor weaned her off. She just told me this a few weeks ago. Her and her husband and their kids were at our house 2 weeks ago and I had no idea. I guess her parents caught her stealing from them. Her and her husband have been sort of seperated and now he says since she has been lying to him all this time he will not take her back. I used to be friends with her but we suspected she stole money from us once so I let her go as a friend. Her husband is my husbands best friend. I'm not sure how much she was taking but she is probably going through hell right now. I wish I would have known. I would have refferred her to my doc. Oh well, things happen for a reason. I will offer my support when she gets out, only if she wants to stay clean. I will not hang out with pill poppers ever again.
On another note, my husband is driving me crazy. He keeps pointing out little things that I am doing that are making him mad. I think is is so rude right now. He forgets what I am going through. I am sick of reminding him. He just came over and appologized and wanted a big hug, it was hard but I gave him one. He won't leave me alone as I am typing this either, I just want some privacy for like 15 minutes, arghhhh!

talk to you guys soon

[ginafl2]

Hi J/H,

I forgot to mention that I went the suboxone route for about 5 months. I think that realley helped with the depression. My doc says it is different because it does not make your brain produce more receptors so you don't need more to sustain yourself. I went on suboxone 2mg once a day and within 2 weeks I got down to .5mg once a day, I stayed there for about 5 months before coming off completely. I had very mild withdrawls and no depression. I don't feel totally normal yet but at least I'm not depressed. My doc says the suboxone worked exactly as it is supposed to for me. I am prone to depression too. I had to take paxil when I was 19, then I took zoloft for about 3 years, I quit my anti's when i realized that vicodin was better than any antidepressent. Anyway, I thought when I got off the opiets I would have depresion but so far (knock on wood) no depression.

g

[cluelessNJ]

Wow, I love how many people are clean in here. Guys everyone should put their clean date as your signature! Love seeing clean dates now! Before I was sort of jealous if someone got clean!

X~ I'm so happy you are doing well! Sorry about your niece. Its so nice that you can be there for her to lean on. I'm glad your also thinking of yourself and your clean time! Don't wanna give that up!

Tinkers~ How are ya? Hows the wife?

Gina~ Things do happen for a reason! 8 days is something to be proud of! Keep it up! We are all here for you to lean on!


Well, I had a late night last night b/c it was the boyfriends b-day! I'm very tired today. Will post later!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

X - It's great to see you posting. Like I said, good, bad or indifferent.... doesn't matter, just keep communicating as much as possible with other recovering addicts. Congrats in advance on 90 days.

Girlie[:0].... I'm lookin' for you.

J/H - Thanks for your post. That kind of testimony is so important for addicts trying to stay clean. Relapse is certain if we don't remain vigilant. You gave us a perfect example - you had 3 months. Most addicts don't stay clean in the long run, but the ones who are communicating with other addicts and are educated on addiction do stay clean. But, we have to be painstakingly dilligent and we have to have enormous willpower. All in all, we just need to stay clean TODAY. Thank you, and congrats on your clean days. Keep comin' back.

Gina, maintaining a relationship during recovery is tough. I have empathy for you and your situation since I have been married 14 years, and my relationship has been a trigger for almost relapsing a couple times in my 5 1/2 months clean. It is a big adjustment to our spouses since we are becoming new people. Just hang in there, and keep your other half's perspective in mind. That was a tough adjustment for me, but my wife and I are getting through it. It is very very important that your spouse is supportive of your recovery. You recovery has to come first for a while.

N/S Clueless - Good idea. Everybody should put their clean date in their signature. All you need to do is go to the top of this page and hit the "profile" button. Then you can log in and put your clean date and whatever you want in the signature box.

Hang in there everyone. There IS light at the end of the tunnel!

Chrish








Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[ginafl2]

Today was not so good for me. I did three miles on the treadmill but wanted a vicodin so bad. When I got home I took a long nap and now I feel much better. I am having some family and friends over tonight for a *** party, I am so looking forward to it.
I'm having a difficult time with my husband, I know he just dosen't know what to do. I know he feels like, should he give me space or shower me? Sometimes I want to yell "Can you just get the f**k outta my face for a while" I love him though and we talk about things a lot. I let him know that I may be a nice lady, distant, or seem dissinterested in him for a while and please just try and understand. I have had no sex drive since getting clean and that is killing him. I try to help him understand that right now things just don't feel right. Who know we may need to go to counseling to get through this together. We are Catholic so we cannot get divorced ever. He is a wonderfull man, the best. He just dosen't get it. I start my new full time job on Monday and will be out of town mon, tues, and wed. I think that will be good for him and me, to do a little reflecting. I just love him so and I don't want to hurt him right now but I can't help that I'm not my normal opiet happy self right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

G

[ginafl2]

that word that got bleeped out was card, a card party. ***, *** party

[ginafl2]

why can't I type the word Po*er?

[jecklnhide]

Hi All,
Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. It does seem to make the road seem a little less bumpy when you know there are people travelling the same path you are. One thing I have learned of addiction, which may be the saddest evil of all, is how it will surely isolate an individual. Every facet of my life has been affected including relationships with my spouse, family members, co-workers, my consistency and dependability in work related matters, my short and long-term goals, my financial habits, everything in my life that matters the most to me.

Gina: I can relate to some of the feelings you are having towards your spouse. My wife has been so good during all this but I can tell that we are not as close as we were at one time. In examining my life before I was a user, while I was using, and even during the 3 months of sobriety I was able to obtain in latter 2005, I have to remind myself that she never asked to be married to an addict. The reason we are not as close as before is a direct result of my lying and deceitfulness as a user. I noticed when I was sober we became so much closer because she realized (or thought) that I was finished with the drugs and I became more like my old self. I was more ambitious, totally honest, more consistent in my moods and attitiues, and overall, more of a real human being. I guess the point I am trying to make is go easy on hubby. Obviously he loves you very much because he is remaining by your side. None of us asked to become dependent to such a point on meds, but we each have to admit that the addiction will at some point cause you to isolate yourself from people and things that we would normally place as our top priorities in life. Hang in there, Gina, and keep up the good work as I will continue to do as well (1 week here and each day is getting a bit easier). The old happy feelings will return and you will be your "old happy opiate-free" self. (As I recall, the intimacy part will come back with a vengeance too, NATURALLY).

Thanks again for your kind words EVERYONE! J/H

"As the storm departs, the light comes long behind the thunder, yet it comes."

Clean Date 3/19/06

[VTX1300]

Jecklnhide---
Man, what a great screen name you have to describe addiction. Very appropriate.

I'd like to applaud you, my friend. You've made some great statements in your post. I agree with you 100% that even a relapse, such as yours, can be a good thing. We all make mistakes, but we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again if we do not learn from them. Obviously, you have learned from your mistake. It is a pretty good chance that you will not do the same again.

You've got depression right now with your clean time. I think most of us can relate to that in some degree or another. Remember, you are gonna have good days and bad days. The important thing is that you stay clean, JUST FOR TODAY. Especially, in these early days of recovery, sometimes the only thing you can and will be content with is the fact that you have stayed clean for one more day.

Keep fighting the good fight, pray, share with others, be honest and truthful and it will all be ok. Glad you are here, keep coming back.


GINA--

Good for you, you fought off the urge to use. Trust me, you are gonna have many more bad days. You will also have many good days. The important thing, and the thing you can hang your hat on at the end of the day, is that you didn't use today. As a recovering addict that is the "Gold standard" of our days, and the only thing with which we can measure a good vs bad day by. So, you see, actually you had a good day today, according to the addicts code.[8D][8D]

I want to touch on your spousal problems for just a minute. I AM NOT A THERAPIST OR COUNSELOR, these are just some thought from an addict. So take them for what they are worth.

As recovering addicts, many times in early recovery, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WANT most of the time. One minute we want comforted, the next we want left alone, etc. I want you to make sure that YOU understand that right now, and it is ok and normal to be that way. The recovering addict has to reestablish everything in their lives. From pain, to pleasure, to comfort, to you name it, we have to relearn about living life on life's terms. That is gonna take some time. We didn't become addicts over night, we shouldn't expect to be back on track over night. So I want you to understand that about yourself. Now knowing this, it is an impossible feat for our significant others to be able to figure out and respond to a recovering addict's every need, all the time, when we have no idea from one minute to the next what it is we need So give him some slack on this one. Remember, just like we are relearning things so are they. He has to re-educate himself on what makes you tick. And be sure to tell him to take it easy on himself also.

I believe that this is one of those "trials" that the Man has promise that you would have in your life and marriage. And you know what the good book says about trials. As long as we keep close to God and his teachings, all things, EVERYTHING, will work to glorify Him. Even something as evil as addiction CAN be a good thing. Now how can that be?? One thing that we, as recovering addicts, have to learn how to do is to be open and honest and to learn how to communicate, again. For a long time, we haven't been honest with ANYONE. We learned how to lie and be decietful to others and OURSELVES. This is an oppertunity you and the hubby to start being open and honest in your relationship. And that is what every quality relationship MUST have as a foundation. So both of you keep talking, and sharing. Open and honest communication is what you need right now. Let him know what is going on with you. The good, the bad, EVERYTHING. This will SHOW him that he DOES matter to you, and he IS important to you. He should do the same. Keep the faith, both of you. It will work out for the best.

One other thing I want to briefly touch on. Your story triggered a thought about my past marriage that I wanted to expound upon. It may apply to your situation, it may not, but I think it is worth talking about. Sex....Sex is a great thing, but when it is one of the foundations of a relationship, it isn't a good thing. The spiritual aspects (Love, honesty, etc) is the foundation of every great relationship. The physical aspects of a relationship are fleeting. They are here today, but can be gone tommorrow. And if they are gone tommorrow what are we left with???? The physical aspects of a relationship are a "perk" of the relationship. That way if/when it is gone we still have a solid foundation to that relationship. I didn't have that foundation with my first marriage, but plan on it with my second

I heard something the other day that I will share...What is love???
Love is the unconditional giving of yourself for the betterment of your significant other. Unconditional giving.......that is a tough concept to grasp sometimes, especially for a recovering addict who is, by the nature of their addiction, a selfish person. But when you think about it, it is a cool concept. Unconditional meaning no conditions. That we do something without expectation of anything in return. It is a completely SELFLESS act. When was the last time ANY of use did this for our significant others. I would challenge each and every one here to LOVE someone today. Just one person, do something for them today without being asked and without expectation of anything in return. How cool would our world be then[8D][8D]

Well, I guess I got a little long winded tonight. I hope some of what I said was of value to someone here.

Girlie Girl--I would sure like to hear from you. Remember, you've come a long way, babe. Talk to us.

Take a moment with me to say a prayer tonight for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time.......


God Bless each and every one of you.

BLessings,
X


-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[ginafl2]

Vix, and J/H,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt posts. I appreciate every word. As far as honesty goes, I just want you guys to know that I told my husband the truth the very first day i met him. I told him I was addicted to vicodin and there would come a day when I would have to get help. I had my last back procedure a year ago. We knew a few months later that the time had come to start addressing the addiction since my back pain was gone for the most part.It took seven months, I never hid a thing from him. In fact while my doctor was weaning me my husband was in charge of my meds. Aside from keeping some feelings and thoughts to myself I never lied to him about my use. We communicate really well. I know the problem is me and I have to keep reminding him of that. I told him tonight how much I loved him and please remember that, even if he feels rejected. As far as sex goes, I think we have a pretty healthy sex life. We practice NFP so there are about 12 days out of the month we have to abstain. I definately think it brings us closer as a couple. I know this will be hard to believe, but we abstained for 11 months before our wedding. I love him so much it hurts my heart to know that my moods can be hurting him. It's like sometimes all I can think about is using opiets and that makes me anxious and nice ladyy. I just push him away when i get those urges which is a lot right now. I just thank God that I cut off all my sources, I set myself up for as much success as possible. I'm sure I could find it if I really wanted to but it would take days or weeks. I'm not going to use, I want a baby more than anything and I want to be drug free during my pregnancy. Except for the labor, I hate pain so I will take all I can then. Goodnight to all, I will pray for you all tonight and at mass tomorrow.

gina

[girlie girl]

Hey Guys Im here. X Im so happy to hear from you. I always worry when we dont here from you in a while. I havent been feeling very good. This Crohnes has been hurting me and I have been getting sick from all the pain meds. I try to cover up my Crohnes pain but I think those stupid pills are really only going to make it worse. Im weaning down again to see how my body reacts. Well its 4:00 am and I couldnt sleep/ I think because of weaning down. Chrish, X, NJ, Thanks for being here it really means so much, because I really have no one else to turn to with this dark secret of pills. But it has effected everything in my life...marriage,work,friends,child... I get so snappy when my pills wear off. I think they take away so much energy too. Not to mention how much money I spend on them to keep my prescription filled and I have been buying extras...yall know what I mean. Even though I spend 99% of my money on my child and family I hate myself for spending any amount on pain meds. Thats Selfish!!! Anyway Im going to stop feeling sorry for myself. Have a good night everyone. I hope you guys are sleeping. Congrats to every single one of you who have clean time, even if its your first day. Its the first day of the rest of your life. Love, [:X]

Girlie Girl

[jecklnhide]

VTX,
Thanks my man for the input and words of confidence. You are very wise in the statements you make and I agree. I have to give much of the credit for my on-going recovery to God. I am so blessed not to have faced more serious repurcussions from my addiction. Such as arrest, financial tragedy, seperation from spouse, or even death. I have known several people and aquaintances who have died from accidental O/D, lost everything financially, have been arrested for illegal activity, even one who decided to go the methadone route which I know is an even bigger evil. I was raised in a very religious home and although I have come clean about my problem with my immediate family, there were many situations and low periods that I would never want them to know about for their own sake, because they love me.

Although I am currently facing some repurcussions from my addiciton, like financial, the problems are not beyond my own ability to repair them, just as long as I stay clean. I have come to the realization that if I use, I will eventually lose everything-PERIOD ! If I stay clean my life's sky is the limit.

One thing that I have learned about God through this experience is this. So many times I have prayed to God to take my pain from withdrawals away in the past. Or to take away my addiction totally. I never quite understood how God could allow me to suffer through all this ****. I have heard people in church say that God took away my urge to drink and I never touched another drop. I could never understand why God would not do the same for me. But, I have learned that God chooses to allow us our own free will. If we choose to commit the sin, then we will have to reap the repurcussions. I relate it to my own children (and I have just come to this realization just this week). If my child was playing with matches knowing that he is not supposed to (sorry for the cliche example-I'm at work and its early morning) and he gets burned, I would probably choose to let my child feel the pain of a minor burn so that he would learn from the experience, rather than remove the pain and my child go on to start a serious fire threatening our home or his own life. In short, I believe God allows us to learn from our mistakes. I also believe, as I stated earlier when I said I give God much of the credit for my recovery, that he allows us to make the first step towards Him. Then He will make two steps toward us. We have to make the effort but He will meet us. God has not removed all my pain, but I definitely have seen His hand in my recovery in ways I would never be able to do alone.

Gina,
Hang tight girl and I am glad your addiction has not led you into total deceit with your spouse. Leave those sources you were talking about behind for good. This one of the ways i belive God has helped me, by removing people and sources from my life.

Thanks everyone. J/H

[jecklnhide]

Hi GirlyGirl,
Hang in there girl. Ihave been where you are many times. Its great you are thinking of stopping. I have seen the clean side and it is happier there, although I was dumb enough to fall back into it. I am once again trying to make amends. Just remember that you WILL be happy again without the meds. It is a tough road and the addiction tells you that you will never be happy again without the stuff but hang in there girl. My thoughts are with you tonight.

J/H

Clean Date: 3/19/06