Painkiller Addiction

[cluelessNJ]

WHERE IS EVERYONE?????????????

Its very quiet and I don't like it. Its just not as fun not having any one to post to. Someone jump on and post with me.

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[dizzy23]

Hi,It's been this way all day...guess everyone is out spending that pay check?I am like you,,feel kinda lonesome huh?

Debbie

Try to be correct!But not always successful!

[chrish1]

Hi Not So Clueless - I tried to post last night, and it wouldn't let me. There may be some glitches. Anyway, I'm glad to hear you are still clean. I'm really glad you changed your phone numbers and that helped! I'm hanging in there. I'm heading out to Chicago tomorrow, through Wednesday on business, but I should still be able to post here and there.

Yes, it is really quiet. It seems like it goes through phases like that though, so I don't think it is a big deal.

B, girlie, Lordy, Torx, X... anyone I missed - let us know how you are doing.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[lordy]

Hey Everyone,
Not-so-Clueless and Chrish, it's so great to see you guys continue to post. I envy your optimism.
Chrish, congrats on the step thing!!! Yeee, a personal inventory....that would be a challenge, and I'll have to do it myself at some point. My husband and I watched some National Geographic thing the other night, about a British guy who goes to spend a month w/a remote African tribe in order to be initiated into manhood via a drug called, "Ebola." Grant was sort of excited to try it after seeing the show, which tells you a lot-- because from what I could gather, ebola takes you on about a three-day psychedelic trip during which you re-live every wicked deed ever committed against another person, and see and feel the pain very acutely through THEIR eyes, etc. My point is, if I went on a trip like that, I'm not sure I'd ever come back from it; whereas Grant was all over the idea! It was really sort of funny. Working the steps with Ebola!!
I got my 30 day chip ( a week late) at an AA meeting yesterday; it's actually been two months w/o alcohol, but of course it doesn't count when you just replace one substance (booze) w/another (poppy pods). In any case, it felt good to get the chip. I'm proud, but kind of sad a lot of the time, which I don't like. I suppose it's just knowing I can never use or drink again-- it does depress me, though intellectually I know I should only feel grateful. I am grateful. I am. Life is much kinder and smoother w/o booze and drugs. Still...I just keep wondering how I'm going to fill that place, that craving. How? With what? It confuses me. Don't I need a vice? Doesn't everyone? I'm glad not to be using, but I feel empty, and that often keeps me from posting, because I feel I should come her with good news, only good news. And right now I just seem to be managing, is all. Am I expecting too much, too soon?
Chrish, it was sweet of you to ask me about the book. This is my third-- a novel-- and it's called, "The Earth we Know." My first book ("Places to Look for a Mother") did pretty well, and my second book ("The Husband's Dilemma") not-a-so-well. So I've worked very, very hard on this one, and the beauty of it is how much work I've been able to do, opiate-free! That has been pretty awesome. Now comes the fun (and it really is a fun process) of trying to sell the next book. Hope I can!
Well guys, I hope you all have a great weekend. I'll be checking in. Just wanted to say hello. Not-so-Clueless, I'm so proud of you-- we have the same clean date, did you know? Good for us!
And Chrish, almost three months..? That's absolutely incredible. Just fantastic. I'm all ears, always, for tips. []

Nicole

[magdav40]

[black][/black

I am new to this site which I found 3 days ago,my problem is a painkiller called DEPRANCOL in Spain where i now live, and find it can be bought over the counter in the chemists here but when I lived in England they were called DEXTROPROPOXYPHENE.They are a pain killer of 120mgs each.I find that I have to take 5 when I get up in the morning and 1 at nightime. I have been on them for 8 years and I posted on the notice board.I am fairly new to computers and I am not to sure if anyone has been able to help me.I am really desperate to get off them Plese can anyone advise me.I have read a lot of emails on the notice board and I can see what a great support group this can be.I hope some one can help me also.I have read how bad it has been and still is for a lot of people who have posted on here and hope my own problem dosent seem to bad but believe me it is to me.I hope to hear from anyone for help and support.I am also a recovering alcoholic and have been dry for 20 years now and it seems harder to kick these pills than it did the alchohol.I hope you dont think I am to impatient for an answer but I keep on checking the board looking for someone to help me Mags

[cluelessNJ]

Mags,
Welcome ! Are you weaning off of them? Are you willing to consult a doctor.

Nicole- I didn't know we shared the same clean date! Thats so cool! Congrats on getting your 30 day chip!

Chrish- Very brave step (personal inventory)! Great job! Its proof that the program DOES work for people. I was lurking on another site and was so shocked to find people putting down meetings and the program altogethger. I have said I am not a meeting person but if it works for so many others how can you say anything bad! Just don't get it! Anyway, yes the changing of the numbers has been huge! No more calls about pills! Always thought I couldn't let go but it is so much easier not having to stare at the caller id. Thanks again!

I hope everything is alright with everyone else! I miss you guys! Come back and check in!

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet because I woke up with a cold and i'm misrable. Thinking of everyone!!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

I'm all alone again. Where is everyone? Anyone lurking? I'm getting worried about some of you! Come say HI!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

I'm thinking of everyone! Hope all is well! I'll be here whenever anyone comes back! I miss everyone!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Hi - Not So Clueless. Just got back from my business trip to Chicago at 3AM this morning. I was up for nearly 24 hours straight, and I couldn't find my car at 1AM in the parking lot since I was so tired. It took me like an hour and a half to find it - I found a parking guy driving around, and he ended up driving me around to find it. He came along at the right time since I would have never found the car where it was. I would have still been looking right now! It was like a really bad season of "24."

Anyway, I hope everybody is staying clean. I'll have 5 months clean this weekend!

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[keiths121]

quote:Originally posted by cluelessNJ

Hello everyone!

Ill- Welcome back! I'm glad your all done with the moving and back online!

Keith- Welcome! I just want to ask why you take them. Are you in pain? Is it just for the "feeling"? I just want to get a feeling for your situation. 5 years is a long time to use. Do you want to stop or are you content with how you are using?

Sorry, American idol just ended. Ill be back!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

I take them for the feeling, and naturally I am anti-social, but if I take a Norco I'm a lot more sociable and articulate and don't take things so personally. I wake up ready to go and it makes me want to help people and talk to people. I have no pattern for how or when I take them also so by body doesn’t become accustom to them at certain time intervals. I can speak in front of large groups without a problem. Also I make sure to keep track of what I take in 24-hour intervals. If I notice myself becoming too dependant on them I will start some gardening project or get myself more involved in work to make sure my tolerance stays low. I admit I do have an addiction but it is an addiction that does not negatively impact my life. Its an addiction I have control over it does not control me. I started taking them 5 years ago at a time when I was severely depressed I owned a construction company, A/C company, and a cigar shop and decided to take on this huge construction job that would make me a ton of money (at the time I owned these businesses I had never taken hydrocodone except once when I broke my arm as a child, and to get my wisdom teeth removed). So on that construction deal it became a nightmare that I could write on and on about but I will spare everyone the story, and I ended up losing everything I had worked so hard for. I had no money I was 80,000 in debt. Before when I was not on hydrocodone I had no sense of humor and was strictly business and got greedy and ended up losing it all because of my greed.
That’s when I started taking hydrocodone and it made me realize it’s not the end especially in America the land of 2nd chances. I had to make huge life style adjustments, which can depress one. I went from making 12k a month to owing 80k with no income and most companies don’t care about personal businesses you had on your resume, So I got a cheap apartment in a bad neighborhood and worked my way out of debt and made some settlements. because it is hard for them to check the reference since you are the owner of the business. I own a small restaurant now and that is it and I am not going out trying to conquer the world. I am currently content, and have a 7-year goal. I’m working towards moving and opening a restaurant in Curacao.

[cluelessNJ]

Keith,
I don't even know where to begin. Did you ever think maybe you see see a doctor and get an anti-depressant? I think that would fit much better from the story you posted. I know there is more behind it but do you really want to depend on pills to get thru life? I know you feel like they give you energy and make you a better person because that is what your addiction is telling you! I knw that for a fact because I was the same way and I convienced myself that I didn't have a problem and I could stop whenever I wanted to. People always say the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Well in this case I promise you that it is greener on this side (clean side). I just want you to be careful. I know noone can convience you to quit. You really have to want that for yourself. Come back and let me know how you are. I'll be thinking of ya!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

quote:Originally posted by chrish1

Hi - Not So Clueless. Just got back from my business trip to Chicago at 3AM this morning. I was up for nearly 24 hours straight, and I couldn't find my car at 1AM in the parking lot since I was so tired. It took me like an hour and a half to find it - I found a parking guy driving around, and he ended up driving me around to find it. He came along at the right time since I would have never found the car where it was. I would have still been looking right now! It was like a really bad season of "24."
Anyway, I hope everybody is staying clean. I'll have 5 months clean this weekend!
Chrish

Chrish,
Glad you made it back safely! The car thing is funny. I have done that many times. It very embarrasing for me[)]. I always feel silly, looking for someone to help me find my car. How was your trip? How was Chicago? Everytime I have been there its been extremly cold. Never liked that but had some great food!

CONGRATS on 5 months! That is so awesome[]! Proof that it CAN be done!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Yes, Not So Clueless, It CAN be done! We can get clean, and it DOES get better. I am feeling better all the time... so, for everybody out there in the early stages (first couple months of not using), hang on - it gets better. Drugs/painkillers are nothing but a big ****ing lie. The more we use them, the stronger the lie becomes, and we start living the lie. The only hope we have is to stop - take it one day at a time. I feel so much better today than I did 6 months ago, I can't even describe. My thinking is so much better and my attitude is so much more positive. My life is turning around completely.

Keep this in mind - Not all days are good just because we stop using. As a matter of fact, some days completely suck. Some weeks seem like they suck. BUT, this is living life on life's terms, and you take the good with the bad. Overall, right now in my recovery, the good by far outweighs the bad. I feel like I have turned over a new leaf. I feel like I have been given a second chance... and I have been. If you are still using, seek education and support, and you will get the help you need. It is up to YOU, nobody else to do the legwork. I did it, and it has not been an easy ride, and I need to remain vigilant against the demon [}]that whispers in the back of my head. Stop using, start to do good things for the people around you, and start to do good things for yourself. Learn to love yourself again - you cannot give yourself a greater gift than this. When you can love yourself, then you can love others, and THAT is when life really begins. I have found a new life through education on addiction and support of other addicts, and I used for 5+ years on a daily basis. If I can do it, YOU can also. If this helps ONE addict out there, God bless you, and may you carry on the message to others as you start a new life. Sorry for getting so heavy , I just felt inspired.

Not So Clueless, thanks for hanging in there with me.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Hey Clueless and Chrish, How are you guy doing. Im still here. Still using....sadely . My dr put me back on loratabs for my crohnes. I know I do hurt... alot. But I also know Im addicted. So what do I do??? Im glad yall are still clean. Chrish have you heard from X in a while??? Just wondering if he is doing ok. I hope this nightmare ends for me soon. I really do. Sweet dreams guys. I love ya. [:X]

Girlie Girl

[ppgdude]

quote:Originally posted by chrish1

Yes, Not So Clueless, It CAN be done! We can get clean, and it DOES get better. I am feeling better all the time... so, for everybody out there in the early stages (first couple months of not using), hang on - it gets better. Drugs/painkillers are nothing but a big ****ing lie. The more we use them, the stronger the lie becomes, and we start living the lie. The only hope we have is to stop - take it one day at a time. I feel so much better today than I did 6 months ago, I can't even describe. My thinking is so much better and my attitude is so much more positive. My life is turning around completely.

Keep this in mind - Not all days are good just because we stop using. As a matter of fact, some days completely suck. Some weeks seem like they suck. BUT, this is living life on life's terms, and you take the good with the bad. Overall, right now in my recovery, the good by far outweighs the bad. I feel like I have turned over a new leaf. I feel like I have been given a second chance... and I have been. If you are still using, seek education and support, and you will get the help you need. It is up to YOU, nobody else to do the legwork. I did it, and it has not been an easy ride, and I need to remain vigilant against the demon [}]that whispers in the back of my head. Stop using, start to do good things for the people around you, and start to do good things for yourself. Learn to love yourself again - you cannot give yourself a greater gift than this. When you can love yourself, then you can love others, and THAT is when life really begins. I have found a new life through education on addiction and support of other addicts, and I used for 5+ years on a daily basis. If I can do it, YOU can also. If this helps ONE addict out there, God bless you, and may you carry on the message to others as you start a new life. Sorry for getting so heavy , I just felt inspired.

Not So Clueless, thanks for hanging in there with me.

Chrish

Wow, the first couple months is the early stages??? Only 50 days to go! LOL... This really sucks!

[pthelps]

I just had my first drug test at a pain clenic . I do not have a pain contract and I have been going through he** with the pain the last week or so and I took a long acting morphen because I ran out of my short acting morphen he had rxed . The long acting one was Rxed for me a long time ago but not by him . Does anyone know if the drug screen will show up exact dose and name of the drug or just show up as morphen since that was what they both were .....

Thanks for your help ......

I have been lurking and you guys sound like you are doing great ! Keep up the good work. I told you the life of an addict was not much different from a chronic pain person who is dependant .NA seems to be really helping a lot of you guys ....

[cluelessNJ]

pthelps,
Hey stranger! Welcome back! I don't know exactly but I think that it will show up just as morphine. Actually to be more specific as an opiate. I wouldn't worry about it. I think they are really just looking to make sure you are taking the morphine and not selling it. As long as there is nothing else in your system you should be fine. How are you otherwise? When did you have the test?

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

Girliegirl,
I've been worried about you! I don't care that your still using. If your in pain it is so different. If you need them and don't have any other route to take then unfortunatly you should take them. Its better then you not being able to work or take care of your family. It is different. Yes, you are addicted. Hopefully, you can use them the way they are intended and not abuse them[}]. I'm thinking about you and sending you all my positive vibes! I hope it helps! Can you go to a pain management clinic? I don't know anything about them but I hear people talking about them all the time! It will get better! Keep your head up and stay positive!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

Chrish,
I agree some days do suck but the good ones out way the bad ones over time! With that said, I had a temptation scare that was insane for me mentally. I got out of the shower and grabbed a pair of pants I never wear. I went to fix the pocket and I felt a baggie. I knew exactly what it was (the boyfriend was suppossed to go thru everything so this didn't happen). I pulled out a baggie of pills[xx(]. Thank god I was on the phone and talking to a clean friend because I said "holy ****" and he just knew something was up. I got SO excited[}][xx(]. My emotions were just running wild. He is on the other end just yelling "go into the bathroom now, I don't hear the toilet". He stayed on the phone with me until I could get the balls to flush them. I actually started crying because I didn't want to flush them[}][V]. Well, it wasn't that. My addiction[}] didn't want me to flush them. I felt so sh*tty afer flushing and I cried for awhile. Then like all things "it passed". After the emotional roller coaster I was so relieved that I didn't take anything. Now I am so proud of myself. I really didn't think it would be that hard[}]. But I DID IT! I feel so good now. Very empowering now, at the time I was so afraid because I was trying to convience myself that I can just take one. WHAT? How many times on this board do I write "one will never be enough"? See I know this and still had a rough time! But the part of the story I want to share is that no matter what, I didn't use! Thinking of everyone. I hope everyone is ok!
I'll post later!
Still clean today[][]!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Not So Clueless,

I'm glad you flushed them. That is a HUGE victory! I'm glad you decided to call somebody - sometimes we really can't do it on our own, and we need help from others. You are right, one is too much and a thousand is never enough. I'm glad you remembered that because it always holds true with us addicts.

Girlie, hang in there. Keep us posted, and don't give up the desire to stay clean. I'm sure you will find a way to go without the demon tabs. There are other avenues for pain out there. I have pain everyday also, and sometimes it sucks. I have found a non-narcotic drug called Neurontin works really well for me, and it doesn't get me high. I used to lie to myself and tell myself that the opiates were the only thing that helped my pain. That was the addict talking. Neuronin might not work for everyone, but it works really well for me. You might want to ask your doctor for non-narcotic alternatives, but stay away from Ultram, or Tramadol - Doctors tell patients it is non-narcotic and nonaddictive, but I got hooked on them badly a few years ago. Anyway, I'm glad you are still posting. Keep us posted with your battle, and good luck.

Everybody, hang in there, and try to put together some clean time. It does suck at first sometimes, but it gets better. If you are in the first couple months clean, STAY VIGILANT, I see a lot of people relapse within the first couple months after they think they had it "licked." Addiction just doesn't work that way. It is a continual battle, but if you get educated on addiction and find a good support system, it gets a lot easier. Hope this helps somebody.

X, B, Lordy.... We'd love to hear from you!

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[pthelps]

WOW , CluelessNJ ,
You sure are not clueless . I could not do that myself even being dependent . I bet that was very empowering . I often thought how great it would feel to be able to flush all pills down expecially narcotics . I went off of the stuff because of a pain break in July what I now find out was just a remission of what I am dealing with . As I have learned chronic pain is a disease and after eight years plus it does not go away or do all the things you have to cause it . One can learn to deal with it very well though . I have been doing massage therapy , physical therapy , chriopractory , acupuncture , changed my diet did the vitamin and herb thing plus much more and I just can't shake the pain ,That part sucks but I would not change my pain journey to wellness for anything even though the last few months have been he** pain wise . Like you guys the journey is such a learning experience about yourself and who you decide to be and what you decide to do with your life . It is a time to reflect and feel proud of all of your accomplishments . Be proud guys , be proud not many people can do it . This is really an accomplishment . I wish that I had a clean date but mine is all over with now and I am among the users again , **** . I really thought that I could beat this pain but it beat me , I have some more alternatives in the workings so I might be back for advice on how to shake the stuff again my friends . Maybe then I can have a clean date too . I told you guys many months ago that addicts and those of us dependent on pain killers are no different some thing has a hold of us and wont let go . Remember it is not the out come but the journey that counts .

CluelessNJ thank you for your timely reply you really did calm my fears ! You are one strong person . Keep up the good work !.........

[cluelessNJ]

Hello everyone!

Chrish-I can't make myself sound that good! I got out of the shower and got on the phone before I found them. THANK GOD! Who knows if I would have called someone. But I didn't have to deal with that. He could tell as soon as I took them out of my pocket. He said my voice changed and I couldn't lie to him. Well, I could have lied but really I like my clean time and no matter how bad I wanted to take them at the time I know I would have felt ****py about it later. So he said "right now i'm the angel on one shoulder, you have the devil on the other, who cares about you more? Who is helping you make the right decision?" Without him already being on the phone I don't think I would have been able to flush them. I even told him. "I just want to hold them". Sounds crazy right? Well I felt crazy. Honestly if I can do this I think anyone can. It was SO hard to flush them. Looking back I feel like I won. I beat the evil deamon in my head!

Pthelp- You CAN do it! Honestly 2 months ago I was saying the same thing! If you have a strong enough desire to quit (and it won't cause you to die from you medical condition). You can quit too. I won't tell you its easy but, it is so rewarding. Even now, I still feel my body healing. I have more and more energy everyday! Excerise helps when I can drag my a*s out of bed.lol[]! I'm in such a good mood right now I can't sleep!

I will talk to you all tomm. Stay alert! My thought of the day!lol


Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Not So Clueless,

I'm so proud of you! Your friend is so right, and you are unbelievably lucky to have a friend like that. You really did have an angel looking out for you! You did win... Keep in mind, there will be other battles - this is why I keep telling everyone to STAY VIGILANT! . Our addiction is soooooo tricky, and it will hit you from all different angles.

quote:Originally posted by cluelessNJ



I even told him. "I just want to hold them". Sounds crazy right? Well I felt crazy.

Yes, it does sound crazy, but this is the exact nature of our addiction. It is cunning and baffling. I feel as if you won a big battle here. The last really big battle I won was around 45 days clean, and most of the rest have been not as bad. Sometimes it still comes on strong. All you have to do is wait, because "this too shall pass." I always tell myself that, and it always does pass. Way to keep your clean time! I feel like you got lucky, so that means that you have a higher power looking out for you. Keep doing what you are doing and keep your clean time.... You are doing the deal. I have a really good feeling about you winning this, but remember to take it one day at a time.

Enjoy another clean day tomorrow!

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[chrish1]

Goin' to Disneyland tomorrow morning (Saturday). I'm a little anxious, to be honest - since I've never gone there clean. I just bought a new wireless laptop for the trip, so I should be able to keep posting.

I hope everybody is doing well. Hang in there - get one clean day. Then build upon that. It works!

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[mikewv100]

I am starting my second month on Suboxone. It has truly changed my life. I was spending the last 2 weeks of every month trying to get enough pills to get me through till scrip day. I was getting 120 Norco 10's. When I first got that scrip I said that I was set forever and that I could never use more than that. Boy was I wrong. By the end of 18 months of this I was doing 8 per day and then out looking to spend 600 to 800 for the rest of the pills that I thought I needed. 30 days ago I started on Sub and I feel that I have been released from life. I get up, take 1/4th of an 8mg tablet and I am fine for 24 hours. I have had no thought about taking anything else. I never believed that I could stop this vicious circle. I would like to thank everyone for putting your experiences in here.

[pthelps]

Cherish1 ,
You have got it all going on woman . You should be proud of yourself for how hard you have fought to make this board positive . I have been here on and off since august and I have really watched all of your hard work to fight to help everone even when they fought against you . You fought back with kindness and compassion . Your spirit is undieing and is just what is needed to help these people . You seem to have a growing number of people who see things the same way that you have learned to live . Like I always say addicts and dependent people are just the same . By circumstances beyound our control pain of some kind drives us to find relief in some kind . I under stand there are a lot of people here even just lerking who are wondering if they are addicts or dependant on their pain killers . The word addiction or dependant is not what matters ( except for within ourselfs ) . What matters is you think you need or want off of the drug than you yourself have to make that choice and do what ever it takes to get off of it . Life is truely better if you can take that step . There are many options out there to help . Sub is supose to work great and the way you can detox while sleeping among others .

Cherish sure seems to have something that is helping her along with others . Cluelessnj is doing it too . I can't remember everyones pen name but all of you guys hang tight and keep helping each other . Your work surly shines through on this board and in the lifes of others !

Hang tight together guys and you will make it ! pthelps AH

[cluelessNJ]

Mike! Welcome! I am so glad you made the decision to change your life. It is such a relief to know your saving money now right? That was very motivating to me. Once I saw and really grasped how much money I was spending I was SICK! It was crazy! I am glad you found suboxone. How long are you taking that for? Do you have a plan for that? I'm not really sure how suboxone works thats why I ask!

Chrish- I am so glad your here to make me feel better. I was really thinking I was nuts for wanting to hold and look at them[}]. Thank you for being so supportive! How was Disney? I bet is was better sober! I bet you noticed things you wouldn't remember being on pills. I hope you had fun! You deserve that!

pthelps- Whats upi with you? Are you tapering? Still using? Researching a pain management center? Keep me posted on how you are!

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thinking of all of you!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

PT - Thanks for your kind and inspiring words. I remember you when I first came on this board. That was when I was first getting clean, and all of a sudden a "light" went on, and I wanted to share it with everyone. That is why I started posting, and thankfully that light has stayed on and I am 5 months clean today. Oh, just one thing - I'm a man. No a big deal.... Keep comin' back!

Not So Clueless, Disney is great. Today was the first day in the park. We have 3 more days coming in the park (through Tuesday). Lots to do and see! Yes, it is better clean. I can totally relate to the insane addict thinking you encountered. I think you had a real angel watching over you. When we put through real effort, grace dawns. I think you experienced some help through grace that day. I think great things are going to happen to you over the next couple years if you stay clean.... Anyway, gotta run.... Busy day tomorrow.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Thats was funny PT you thought Chrish was a girl. Well I hope you guys are doing good. PT glad to hear from you, hon. Im still in the same drama with the tabs. Im really only trying to take them as needed. Have a great weekend. Clueless, Chrish thanks for being there. Love yall. [:X]

Girlie Girl

[xxzeon]

quote:Originally posted by illus1on

[edit] Sry for the language i just dont even notice it anymore its almost part of my vocab

Hey guys.. its been awhile since ive been here, im still struggleing with my addiction but i want to quit now and i dont want to go to any ****ing rehab center, the only one that is available here which i had a chance to go to had a website and i looked at this list that said "what to bring, what not to bring" and i basicly told the place to **** off and told my docter i was taking narcotics for no reason, i couldent bring a cell phone, couldent have visitors, couldent bring a diskman, any inapropiate clothing, like its not ****ing school id want somthing to do to pass the time thru this since i know very well how time crawls when ur in withdrawls and mentaly craving pills.

Anyways im gonna detox right here at home where im most comfortable, im currently taking 150mg of oxycontin a day nasaly, last time i was here it was 180 a day and ive cut down to this but for some reason i just stopped at that and never continued to cut down but now its not like i dont want to quit, because i want to this time im totaly ****ing sick of waking up shaking and freezing every morning because the oxy always wears off during the night and then its damn near impossible to get a good ****in sleep sometimes b4 i even go to bed it wears off and i know if i were to take more id sleep good but then id just get into the habbit of doing that and then instead of dosing 3 times a day itd be 4 and my daily useage would go up, im sick of being constipated, im sick of being cold no matter how ****in warm a room is, even if i take a hot shower and im out of pills ill get goosebumps and have to spin around to keep warm and am hesitant to get out of the shower because its so ****ing cold its sickeneing im sick of it ALL and i want to quit.

The biggist issues i have to overcome is changing to taking the pills oraly instead of nasaly, or do i even have to do that? aslong as i cut down and quit it dosent rly matter right?

And my other problem obviously is i dont want to go through withdrawl but i want to quit enough that ill clench my teeth and pull through it, i plan on minimizing withdrawl by tapering which i hope some of u have some suggestions on, that would be really helpfull.

im already nervous just typing this out because i know as much as i want to quit theres the part of me that dosent want to be without oxy and i know ive got a decently powerfull mental addiction happening, i actualy met someone yesterday who was an oxy,meth,heroin basicly anything addict when she lived down on the island (vancouver, bc.) her brother called her a "garbage can" because she would take anything, she was mainlinging oxy and i wish i coulda talked to her about how she quit it but i didint know till after we left and her brother told me who is my good friend but thats the very first time ive met someone who had an oxy addiction worse than mine and whos overcome it i dont know how much she was taking but id imagine regardless of how many mg she was taking it would be hard to stop pinning it...

Anyways i know this website will be real helpfull in my journey to sobriety.. i was pretty embarrased last time i was here and talked so much bout quitting and i failed so miserably i didint want to come back for awhile[xx(] but im back now and im ready to give it another go and im going to put much more effort into this time than the last..

...i know this is slightly off topic but for those of you who know what irc is i had a small chan me and another inet friend registerd about a year ago and it was a very tight channel, only very good internet friends were there and we shared alot about ourselves and i think i shared a little to much because as soon as some of them knew about my addiction they ****in made fun of me very frequently and id just ignore it and try and shrug it off but just a week ago i got fed up with it and asked them nicely just to stop, like leave me the **** alone about my problems and then i started talking to sum1 about all the problems im having at home and why im so stressed out and just need whoever was teasing me and **** at the time to stop because i just cant handle it anymore

(the person making fun of me was chaning the topic to the channel to **** making fun of me and teasing me about oxy and i didint know who was doing it)

and just after i got all the **** that was bothering me off my chest and thought i made it clear to just leave me alone about my problems the mother****er changed the topic again to somthing that really insulted me and i just ****ing lost it, i wrecked my room and ended up ****ing up my knuckles from punching various **** that i shouldent have and stabbed up my closet and ****, i was so ****ing mad and hurt that i was crying and screaming and just wanted to ****king kill whoever the fuq was teasing me, mostly because i really trusted these people and i figured that they could respect me enough to just leave me alone about my problems, i mean they knew it was obviously really bothering me.. theres about 10 ppl there at any given time and it was only the one that was teasing me which i still dont know who is but im pretty sure i have an idea.. anyways this happend a week ago and b4 this i was there everyday and talked to them every day, it was like my home away from home type thing and since this happend ive left the channel and uninstalled irc because i just couldent handle that **** happening again.

what pissed me off more than anything is that they knew it pissed me off and they knew damn well that if they said anything like that to me personaly i wouldent stand for it and theyd just be provoking me to attack them and i couldent do ANYTHING about it but type swear words at him in caps lock, any of my friends around here that know about my problem will ask me at the most "so how are you doing on the oxy?" and ill tell them, like theres just no way any1 from around here would say anything even close to what was said to me and it just really depressed me alot, im even depressed and almost crying talking about it because i reallllly liked chilling there and talking to them and they went and pulled this bull****[B)]

i still dont understrand why they would want to do somthing like that to me after being friends with them for so long...it really bothers me still.. gah..

i just needed to get that off my chest i guess it still makes me emotional talking about it..

anyways id really appreciate any support you guys can offer and anyone with tapering suggestions would be greatly appreciated to, or even any other way i can just get off this **** because i think overall the **** that im SICK of i just never want to have to go through what happend a week ago EVER EVER again :'( any help atall is appreciated guys.. ill talk to you whenever u guys reply, its good to talk about all this its really helpfull for me.. thanks for listening

oh, ive still got ativan available and ive got 38 40mg oxycontins left to use to taper or whatever, ill prolly begin all of this tomorrow since ive already taken 55mg thismorning.. might be wrong bout 38 i just counted them half hour ago and im pretty sure thats how amny there were.. thanks again for listening guys and any help atall is SO appreciated..dont think ive left anything out..


ill.

xxz