[whatnow0206]

Bentonville--
i don't know personally about tapering, but i have seen it work for a lot of people on here. it seems feasible though, by the time i was ready to quit, i went cold turkey off only 2 10mg hydrocodone a day, and although the withdrawals were no fun, it was doable. If no one knows, you can use the "flu" excuse, and you will miss a week's worth of work as opposed to 4-6 or how ever long if you went to an inpatient rehab. I think there are also outpatient rehab programs, I am assuming that since you work with movie producers and comedians you are in LA or NYC or another large city, and i'm sure there are many options to choose from. do some discreet research. it is hard, we all have been there. but you are so young, you don't want to be feeling this way 5 or 10 years from now. the longer you use, the more it f**ks with your head, usually without you realizing it.
the important thing is that you want to quit. you just have to find the strength within yourself to do so. obviously you are strong, determined, and intelligent, you wouldn't be where you are in life if you weren't doing something right. you have the kind of job that so many people dream of, and you have it before you are even 30! you are doing something right, and you have something within you that will help you get clean.
sometimes the only way to kick an addiction is to trade it for another, i am not advocating turning to alcohol or Xanax or anything like that, but an obsessive mind can be redirected. become a marathon runner, make a resolution to watch every episode of the xfiles, eat chocolate...if you do taper and you can get to the point where w/d symptoms are bothersome but you can move, during those times when you really want to use, go for a walk or to the gym--somewhere where you cant access the pills, and let your mind go, let your body use your mental energy.

i am really thinking about you, because ive been where you are, going through the cycle, but i have faith that you can do it. you have to be strong, maybe stronger than you have ever been before, but it will be so worth it.

and even if you don't realize it, your struggles are helping others. there are people who look at this board who never post, and they are identifying with you and saying "okay, bentonville went 36 hours, i am going to try 36 hours." let that be a source of strength, too.

Hi everybody else, and THANK YOU.
Jane

[Kathy32453]

Sublime fans abound! I actually grew up with those guys in Long Beach. Used to see them play back yard parties and at the Golden Nugget at Cal State Long Beach since I was 15 (yes, I'm dating myself). Honestly Bradly was such a talent, and it makes me so sad that he didn't see his dreams realized before he overdosed from herion. He had an 11 month old baby and had been married for two weeks and the album that really made them huge was just about to hit. Truthfully, all those guys have really battled drugs over the years. I think Bud (the drummer) finally got and stayed clean after being there when Brad died. Eric struggled for years with meth and other drugs. You see these people who have the world at their feet, but aren't here (either physically or mentally due to drugs) and they're missing what so many people only dream about.

No pills for me today If only just for today.

[JahRed24]

The only thing you need to beat addiction is Will Power. So figure out what it is and get it. U dont need treatment or anything. 85% of all the men who came back from Vietnam that were addicted to heroin quit by themselfs without professional help, plus u dont want to be in a treatment centers data base, now do u?[8D][8D]

[cluelessNJ]

Jahred,
Nice of you to pop in. This coming from the same person that said "You poor ignorant people that are not as smart as I am let yourself become addicted...............[}]". and a few days later posted something along the lines of "the only thing worth snorting is oxys and morphine"[}]. Nice way to be supportive. If you really were that much smarter than the rest of us, why are you in a pain killer thread online????????????? I actually must not be as smart as you are because I use this board as my rehab! This board is my meeting. You need to want to stop using and abusing drugs to actually stop. If your not ready to give them up most likely you won't!!!!!!!!
[][][][][][][][]
Sorry to everyone but he really needs a reality check!!!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[girlie girl]

Hey Ya'll. Just wanted to tell everyone Happy Valentine's Day!!!! I hope everyone is doing good! Gotta run.....My daughter is having a party at her school tonight and Im the room mommy. Lots of Love, [:X]

Girlie Girl

**Clean Date** 1/24/06

[Junkie781]

Nicole, wow, three weeks! Congratulations, that is quite an accomplishment....I'm so happy for you

WOW, this place is really hopping! Good to see all the positive posts, all of the people reaching out to new people, supporting them....

THis place really has become a great tool to help addicts that want to stop.

I am still stuck working right now - my largest client is going live wiht a new retail system today. They have stores spread accross the USA with their headquarters in Boston and I designed the system that allows all of their servers to communicate securely over the Internet. I'll spare you the boring technical details of a VPN, but I found myself wondering today how I ever did this work when I was high on pills? wow [xx(]

It's been over three weeks now with no pills and the longer I stay clean the more I wonder why I was taking the pills in the first place.

Anyway, I wanted to at least respond to this:

quote: Today is 8 days for me!

That's fansastic! Nice going

OK, back to work now

I'll be back tomorrow night [8D]

[whatnow0206]

i have read of people dreaming of pills during or after detox, but last night was the first time i dreamt of them. the greatest thing, though?

in my dream i was playing with a little pouch that had tons of pills in it but i was resisting! even in my dream!

it was a real confidence-booster. at least my subconscious is starting to fall in line. i know i have to be careful, though, because the addict in me sometimes says "oh, you can just take a couple, it won't have to be an everyday thing."
i guess this is all part of the process, though.

i have a question though-did anyone experience adult-acne while on pills? i know meth causes some skin problems, but that might have something to do with...the f***ing fuel-injector cleaner in it. i just was wondering.
jane

[lordy]

Good god, Benton: way to go!! 48 hours is awesome!! The agony will start to abate-- DO take vitamins, especially B vitamins. June recommended it, and I couldn't believe how much it helped me.
As for the pot, well-- I don't see a problem with it, at all. I've always had a take-it-or-leave-it attitude about the stuff; I like it once in a blue moon, but it makes me too dumb to want to smoke it all the time. I have very addictive tendencies, but I just don't care for it enough to smoke it consistently. So I'm glad that's helping you. Any port in a storm!
I've been clean 23 days, and it's really nice to be more or less back to normal. I sure work and think better, and I have MUCH more energy. It's nice!
Hello to everyone else! Snow here! My book has driven me crazy all day! Some days are just like that! :-)

Nicole

[VTX1300]

Benton,

Congrads on the 48hr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That's 2 days down, and one more to go. Remember, you only have to stay clean for today. Keep on keeping on.

I do want to give you some food for thought about the pot smoking. Addiction is a tricky devil. It can rear it's ugly head in many different ways and be triggered by different things. I want to caution you that sometimes with addiction we will substitute one "fix" for another. This can be drugs, alcohol, sex, ***, cutting, etc. The addiction is still the same but the object of our addiction (drug of choice) can change. I've heard of people who go to AA meetings and say they are 6months, 2 years, whatever sober from booze, but they fire up a joint outside the meeting before going in. These people are not truely in recovery, they have just exchanged one drug of choice for another. I'm sharing this with you, so you are aware of it and don't fall into this trap.

If you can TRUELY quite the weed at will, that is great. I think my suggestion to you would be to go ahead and stop now. You should be thru the worst of the withdrawls in a day or so, these are the physical part of the addiction. This is your body getting use to funtioning with out the painkillers on board. Once the physical withdrawls are gone, now you are combating the psycological aspect of addiction. This is the urges to use, and the "feelings", and emotions. From what I read from your post, you were gonna use the weed for this, the psycological part of addiction. I want to caution you against this.

You are in recovery right now. You are doing it, no longer using. And that is awesome. But I want you to be able to see that there truely is life after drugs, a better life for you. To be able to enjoy this, I want you be totally and completely chemical free. I want you to be able to know that you have the ability and the conviction to "Not use, no matter what." That means no matter what. If you get an urge, you don't use, if you have a bad day, you don't use, if you have a good day, you don't use. It is really a cool place to be when you can say, "Hey, I'm clean." You are well on your way, I would hate to see you cloud this by filling your head with bong resin, now.

Benton, some of what I have said is fact and some is my humble opinion. The facts can't be disputed, the opinions can. The facts are you are in recovery, right now. What you choose and were you go in your recovery is up to you. I want to see you go from active addiction to complete recovery. This can be done ONLY if and when you make the choice to stay clean from ALL fixes. I want you to see how cool it is to be able to call yourself a recovering addict and to say, "for today, I'm clean." The choice is yours. Keep on keepin' on. Your in my prayers.

Jahred-- I'm glad you've found another way to stay clean. What ever it takes, and if willpower was your saving grace from addiction, that's awesome. You stick with that.

As for me, I'm weak, I don't have willpower, I am powerless to control my addiction, and I can't do this on my own. I've tried this in the past and failed miserably. What I have found is that through giving my weakness "up" to The Man, I have found strength. That my admission of my weakness has made me strong. By admitting this to my Maker and my friends and family I find strength. By being able to continually talk with other addicts and have them help me, and me help them, I get stronger. And the bottom line is this, the things that used to consume my life and drag me down the spiral of drug abuse (The pain, hurt, hatred, etc). The worst thing that use to get me down was my belief that I had no purpose in this world, that I didn't matter, and that I could never meet up to expectations of me. Well, you know what I've found. The pain, hurt, etc is still there, but thru my admission of weakness to my addiction, and giving that up to the Man, I've been able to make a good choice. I make this choice every day. I choose to stay clean, just for today. And it is working. And because it is working for me, I now have purpose in my life, to help other addicts. I can now make a difference in this world. I can help other people, and they can help me. It is a win-win situation. I have been able to get away from my selfish, "all about me" mentality, and have started to think of the well being of others besides myself. And that has made me a success beyond mine or anybody's expectations of me. And that is a cool thing. I'm no longer in the clutches of the demon that held me in active addiction. IMHO that demon can still hang out to you while you are clean and prevent you from truely having freedom from addiction. I am still an addict, but I have freedom from my addiction. It was accomplished thru prayer, choices, and friends (like this board) to help me get thru it.

Thanks for stopping by and giving us a different possible solution to active addiction. I'm glad you have found another way that is working for you. Maybe it will be what someone needs to hear to help them out. But if that willpower ever starts to give out, and "you" no longer are feeling like "you've" got control of the situation, just remember we're hear for you, dude. Come and share with us, and see what freedom is all about.

To all else.... There's a couple of people I haven't heard from in some time, now. If you are out there lurking, drop in and say hello. Let us know how you are doing. If you aren't clean, don't sweat it. Join in on the conversation, if you have A DESIRE TO QUITE you are always welcome. That doesn't mean you HAVE quite, it just means you want to. If you're out there lurking and doing good, drop a line and share. Let us all rejoice in your recovery. I, for one, get really excited every single time I read of a new person on this board who says, "Well, It's been _____hrs, and I'm clean......." That is my fix nowadays. I love to hear all the successes going on here. It keeps me coming back, and helps keep me clean. So keep sharing.

Say a prayer with me for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight.

God Bless each and every one of you. You're all in my prayers.


Blessings,
X


-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[whatnow0206]

Bentonville--I am SOOOO excited for you!! I think the first two days can be the hardest--not a lot of recovery under your belt to be guilty over, tough, painful withdrawals--but man, if you can hang on for one or two more days, you will start waking up amazed! Keep on keepin' on. You are in for a treat, my friend.

And the massages and (hopefully) hot tub excursions will be great, too. Good timing!

I was a pot head in high school, and i don't remember ever tweakin' over not being able to get any like I have with pills in the past. Sure, i would get irritable if my "dealers" were out, but i also was able to quit smoking pot without any trouble. this has been the case for pretty much everyone i know. i agree with x, though, you have to be careful, even if its so you don't make bad decisions in the future when you are high. Most importantly, though, if it works for you right now, let it work for you. i don't think anyone on here would argue with the notion that dropping pills is a million times more difficult than dropping a greenage habit.

stay strong,

whatnow (jane)

[luvlifemore]

Bentonville,
Awesome! At first I didn't know if you sounded that committed but look at you now!!! Keep on doing it! P.S. Don't let your girlfriend or anyone else lead you astray during this crucial time. Be strong!

When I started reading this board I couldn't keep track of all the names because everyone had two names - their user ID and the name they signed with. There were like five people it seems that were getting clean all at the same time! I am still so inspired! You though, I remember your first post so it will be easier for me to follow your success. (It's so great when the rest of you have the number of days clean on your signature. I should put it on mine too. I'm clean just over a year.)

I share the excitement when anyone quits that downward spiral.
Remember, some people are ill their whole lives.
You won't be "sick" much longer.
Hang tough Bentonville - it will be soooooo worth it!!!

LLM

[luvlifemore]

Illusion,
You have come to the right place. Everybody here is (or has) been struggling with the same thing. OC was my DOC (drug of choice) too. You CAN kick this if you really want to. I'll let others talk of tapering. My friend and I never succeeded with that method. I did it cold turkey a year ago and my friend is going to get suboxone on monday because cold turkey didn't work for him. He is sick of it too (and also goes into rages which is why he is my friend now and not my b'friend.)You already know what to do and the people on this board will be there for you.
Talk soon,
LLM

[H3guy]

Hey - 11 days clean....

Sorry I havent stayed in touch, I have been in the process of moving. Finally made the move to San Diego and love it. I'm on day 11 of being clean. Its been hard, I have pain, and sleep and lack of energy at times are still problems. Anyway, here is hoping all of you can kick or remain kicked of the habit. Good luck to you all and I will write more later for sure.

[chrish1]

Ahhhhh, yes. We do kick the habit, but we do it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I am more than 4 months clean today. I stopped counting days. It does get better, but we have to be willing to work through some issues. It takes time - a lot of time. We are just at the beginning of the journey. The journey will have ups and downs. We will see some things about ourselves, others, and the world in general that we don't like. These are the things we have been hiding from. The only way to overcome them is to stop using, and deal with the issues... one issue at a time, one day at a time.

It is all worth it in the end.

Chrish


Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[luvlifemore]

Illusion, I was snorting 40-60mgs of OC per day for maintenance. Binging on weekends (Started as just a little Fri. and Sat. night fun mind you.) I realized fairly soon where I was headed and stopped after about two years and several attempts. My b'friend (who is now my ex.) went back to using after our withdrawl. Took me a little while to find that out. The rages were a clue. He is now using 240 mg. per day. (So he tells me.) Cold Turkey wasn't fun. I had to make sure there were no sources available to me or I probably couldn't have succeeded. But I did get my life back. It was way worth the pain. I guess I did taper some before going ct but the first few trys it was a joke. I had to move away from all users/sellers though. I'm not that strong. As many people here have said the real fight is in your head. I had to actively change my thinking from "drugs are cool and fun" to "DRUGS SUCK AND LEAD TO HELL ON EARTH" (quoted from someone on this board). The change in thinking doesn't happen overnight.
When you truly want it though - you can do it.
LLM



"Are you strong enough to be my man...?"
Cheryl Crowe

[becky2]

bentonville-WAY TO GO!!!!i hope you are feeling much better today thsn yesterday ..i think they always say that day 3 is the hardest!you are almost there,hang on and keep your vision on your new life hat is right around the corner...drug free!!!yeah!!!!!!rebecca




quote]Originally posted by bentonville333

I really though the 3rd day would be easier... so far its actually been almost the worst. What sucks is i heard that roxi's are around right now and those or OC were D.O.C. I turned them down now, im worried i wont this evening though... I don't know if i can take another sleepless night...

I'm going to resist though.
[/quote]

[becky2]

hi there...just wanted to say good job getting away from those a-holes and the ativan has really helped me w/ coming off of the suboxone.good thing t o have in your situation.i think anxiety is the biggest barrier in getting thru this ****!good luck to you,i am thinking of you and watching your posts ....you can do it!!!!hope all are having a wonderful day!!!!
rebecca

quote:Originally posted by illus1on

[edit] Sry for the language i just dont even notice it anymore its almost part of my vocab

Hey guys.. its been awhile since ive been here, im still struggleing with my addiction but i want to quit now and i dont want to go to any ****ing rehab center, the only one that is available here which i had a chance to go to had a website and i looked at this list that said "what to bring, what not to bring" and i basicly told the place to **** off and told my docter i was taking narcotics for no reason, i couldent bring a cell phone, couldent have visitors, couldent bring a diskman, any inapropiate clothing, like its not ****ing school id want somthing to do to pass the time thru this since i know very well how time crawls when ur in withdrawls and mentaly craving pills.

Anyways im gonna detox right here at home where im most comfortable, im currently taking 150mg of oxycontin a day nasaly, last time i was here it was 180 a day and ive cut down to this but for some reason i just stopped at that and never continued to cut down but now its not like i dont want to quit, because i want to this time im totaly ****ing sick of waking up shaking and freezing every morning because the oxy always wears off during the night and then its damn near impossible to get a good ****in sleep sometimes b4 i even go to bed it wears off and i know if i were to take more id sleep good but then id just get into the habbit of doing that and then instead of dosing 3 times a day itd be 4 and my daily useage would go up, im sick of being constipated, im sick of being cold no matter how ****in warm a room is, even if i take a hot shower and im out of pills ill get goosebumps and have to spin around to keep warm and am hesitant to get out of the shower because its so ****ing cold its sickeneing im sick of it ALL and i want to quit.

The biggist issues i have to overcome is changing to taking the pills oraly instead of nasaly, or do i even have to do that? aslong as i cut down and quit it dosent rly matter right?

And my other problem obviously is i dont want to go through withdrawl but i want to quit enough that ill clench my teeth and pull through it, i plan on minimizing withdrawl by tapering which i hope some of u have some suggestions on, that would be really helpfull.

im already nervous just typing this out because i know as much as i want to quit theres the part of me that dosent want to be without oxy and i know ive got a decently powerfull mental addiction happening, i actualy met someone yesterday who was an oxy,meth,heroin basicly anything addict when she lived down on the island (vancouver, bc.) her brother called her a "garbage can" because she would take anything, she was mainlinging oxy and i wish i coulda talked to her about how she quit it but i didint know till after we left and her brother told me who is my good friend but thats the very first time ive met someone who had an oxy addiction worse than mine and whos overcome it i dont know how much she was taking but id imagine regardless of how many mg she was taking it would be hard to stop pinning it...

Anyways i know this website will be real helpfull in my journey to sobriety.. i was pretty embarrased last time i was here and talked so much bout quitting and i failed so miserably i didint want to come back for awhile[xx(] but im back now and im ready to give it another go and im going to put much more effort into this time than the last..

...i know this is slightly off topic but for those of you who know what irc is i had a small chan me and another inet friend registerd about a year ago and it was a very tight channel, only very good internet friends were there and we shared alot about ourselves and i think i shared a little to much because as soon as some of them knew about my addiction they ****in made fun of me very frequently and id just ignore it and try and shrug it off but just a week ago i got fed up with it and asked them nicely just to stop, like leave me the **** alone about my problems and then i started talking to sum1 about all the problems im having at home and why im so stressed out and just need whoever was teasing me and **** at the time to stop because i just cant handle it anymore

(the person making fun of me was chaning the topic to the channel to **** making fun of me and teasing me about oxy and i didint know who was doing it)

and just after i got all the **** that was bothering me off my chest and thought i made it clear to just leave me alone about my problems the mother****er changed the topic again to somthing that really insulted me and i just ****ing lost it, i wrecked my room and ended up ****ing up my knuckles from punching various **** that i shouldent have and stabbed up my closet and ****, i was so ****ing mad and hurt that i was crying and screaming and just wanted to ****king kill whoever the fuq was teasing me, mostly because i really trusted these people and i figured that they could respect me enough to just leave me alone about my problems, i mean they knew it was obviously really bothering me.. theres about 10 ppl there at any given time and it was only the one that was teasing me which i still dont know who is but im pretty sure i have an idea.. anyways this happend a week ago and b4 this i was there everyday and talked to them every day, it was like my home away from home type thing and since this happend ive left the channel and uninstalled irc because i just couldent handle that **** happening again.

what pissed me off more than anything is that they knew it pissed me off and they knew damn well that if they said anything like that to me personaly i wouldent stand for it and theyd just be provoking me to attack them and i couldent do ANYTHING about it but type swear words at him in caps lock, any of my friends around here that know about my problem will ask me at the most "so how are you doing on the oxy?" and ill tell them, like theres just no way any1 from around here would say anything even close to what was said to me and it just really depressed me alot, im even depressed and almost crying talking about it because i reallllly liked chilling there and talking to them and they went and pulled this bull****[B)]

i still dont understrand why they would want to do somthing like that to me after being friends with them for so long...it really bothers me still.. gah..

i just needed to get that off my chest i guess it still makes me emotional talking about it..

anyways id really appreciate any support you guys can offer and anyone with tapering suggestions would be greatly appreciated to, or even any other way i can just get off this **** because i think overall the **** that im SICK of i just never want to have to go through what happend a week ago EVER EVER again :'( any help atall is appreciated guys.. ill talk to you whenever u guys reply, its good to talk about all this its really helpfull for me.. thanks for listening

oh, ive still got ativan available and ive got 38 40mg oxycontins left to use to taper or whatever, ill prolly begin all of this tomorrow since ive already taken 55mg thismorning.. might be wrong bout 38 i just counted them half hour ago and im pretty sure thats how amny there were.. thanks again for listening guys and any help atall is SO appreciated..dont think ive left anything out..


ill.

[lordy]

Hi Illusion (and everyone!),
Okay, that IRC-channel-thing really blows. I can't believe a person would go so far out of their way to be that evil. My husband's in an IRC channel as well, and the only way he ever gets a smartass to shut up is by saying something witty yet cruel (as in, "Sorry to hear about what that Catholic priest did to you when you were a kid. That's just wrong!" or "Have you resolved the erectile dysfunction problem yet?") I mean, they're mean comments, but he swears they're the only kind that shut the sadists up. Maybe you should try that strategy; because you're right, it's only ONE person who's going way out of his way to give you grief, and it makes me want to strangle him or shove a litter of stillborn puppies up his ass, or something. I can't stand deliberate cruelty!!!!! So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm very sorry someone would flip you **** when you were feeling so vulnerable. With any luck, the guy will be reincarnated as a maggot.
Please hang in, keep posting. And to the rest of you, hello and hello! Barry, where you be? Not-so-Clueless? I'm almost four weeks clean, and life is much nicer on the other side!

nicole

[cluelessNJ]

Hello everyone,
Wow, I am so impressed with how this forum has grown. Its so cool! I love reading everyones posts! I have been doing more reading because my labtop sucks (actually I dropped it off the bed in NY and it broke)! I could read I just couldn't write and once in awhile it would just turn off! Anyway enough about that!

3 weeks for me with no opiates!!!!!!!! Just remember after the first few days of w/d hell everyday gets easier[^]!

I just want to welcome all the new people......WELCOME

illus1on, I feel you! I tried to taper down myself and it would drive me crazy! I was telling myself I didn't feel them (when actually it was my addiction[}]) making choices for me. I do want to say that you should definately take them (mouth) with the coating on them for the full effect (I don't mean feeling high). With the coating you will get the time release and they will last longer. When you snort them (I assume) you take the coating off so it hits you all at once and it doesn't last as long. Trying to taper down I know I had to change my thinking. As I took them I distracted myself for at least an hour. I only say it because I know for me I would trick my brain (you control it, not the other way around) to thinking as soon as you take it you feel better. If you sit there staring at the clock thinking its not working...it probally won't. If you have any questions let me know! oxys are the most difficult thingin my life to date! I will be thinking of you sending you all the positive vibes I can!

KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! WELL AT LEAST TRY TO! It will make a difference for you all!

H3guy- I am very proud of you! I hope Cali is beautiful after our snow here on the east coast i'm jealous.

Bentonville- If you can get thru day 3 and 4 you are GOLDEN! They were the worst days for me personally. I know everyday after that just got easier! I'll keep you in my thoughts!

I am thinking of everyone and wish you all luck with this. YOU CAN DO IT[]!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Hi everybody. Congrats to everybody who still has clean time. If you do, make sure you keep letting us know how much time you have. It gives me warm fuzzies every time I see another addict beating the addiction ONE DAY AT A TIME!

I'm working on the 4th step in the NA program, and it is really helping me take an introspective look. I'm starting to see why I do certain behaviors and releasing the grudges I've been holding for YEARS through the step. There really is no reason to carry all that **** around. While I was using, I didn't have a clue about what motivates my behavior. It's really pretty cool stuff. Sometimes you see things you don't want to see about yourself, but you can't fix your addict behavior until you can understand it.

Anyway, one more clean day for this addict - 4 months and on the way to 5 months clean, ONE DAY AT A TIME. For those that are trying to kick it, hang in there... get educated on addiction from experts (addicts who have stopped using). Learn a new way of thinking and living. Somebody said something similar to that recently, and I really liked it. That really is what it is all about.

Have a great weekend, and stay clean!

The Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[cluelessNJ]

Hello again. Its so nice to be home with a good, working computer(even on friday night, if I go out now i'll end up drunk)!

Illus1on- All I have to tell you is that you CAN do it! Leading up to me quiting I would explain (to myself and my own addiction) why I was eating another one[}].....I would tell myself that this is the last time you take anything to get high. I would convience myself that it was acceptable because it was the last time. I would do this once a day! My addiction [}]controled my life. I can say that it sucked! Yes, I admit quitting was not easy but I will tell you that now looking back at the withdwawls is somehow reflective. It really keeps me clean everyday. I still get calls from the dealers I used to buy the oc's from (just got one tonight for 40's) and that is the hardest part. Once the thought is in my mind I have to talk myself back to my new reality and using my week of withdrawl REALLY helps. Some others (I believe Nicole) calls it running the tape......think about what will happen.... I know one is not enough and quite frankly I don't believe the entire free world can produce enough to keep this chic happy[}]! But knowing that and accepting that was very hard for me! I knew I had a big problem and I saw the end coming and I knew I was getting close but I had to make the decision when I was ready. I did put it off for awhile[}]. I even got down to 20's and then went to perks. Thats how afraid of letting go I was. It was my addiction conviencing me that I didn't want to let go[}]. I started abusing the perks too. Starting all over again. I don't know what page I started on here but I think it was almost 48 hours in and it was not pretty! The people in this forum really care and they all understand. Finding this site I believe is what helped and helps me daily. I really use this as my meeting. I know most people will tell you to go to NA or even AA but I just don't think i'm ready for that and maybe I never will be. I'm just saying you need to find what works for you and do it!! Also, stop snorting them. You need to take them oraly and they will last longer. How are you weaning down? Are you doing it every 5 days or every week? How much? I know you can do it because you made it her and thats a HUGE step!! Keep posting! Let me know how you are!



Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[cluelessNJ]

I just wanted to write don't let it get quiet over the weekend! I need someone to talk to! I can't hang out with my druggie friends because I end up wasted. I know you (nicole) are saying thats why you should go to a meeting and get some clean friends. LOL

B- where are you?????
girlie girl- You?
Thinking about you guys!

Hope all is well with everyone else. Pop in and let us know your ok.

Has anyone heard from Johnny? Just wondering! I know he was thinking about quiting......Johnny if your lurking....Let us know how you are!!!!!!

LLM-you are so positive I love it!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[Junkie781]

quote:Barry, where you be?

quote:B- where are you?????

Hey there you two! I'm doing GREAT (29 day days today )

This was a tough week at work. I am in management - specifically, technical (I.T) management....but I'm also involved in a lot of fairly high-level direct technical (mostly network related) engineering. For example, this week I had to implement an SSL Virtual Private Network (VPN) for one of my clients. This VPN connects 18 brach offices spread all over the country to a main office here in my area. I had to design and implement a secure connection over the internet that allows all of these branch offices to transmit confidential financial transaction data with 100% guaranteed security. [:0] . I also had to oversee the project (Project Management) since it involved several engineers besides myself working in conjunction with application engineers from the company providing the software piece of the solution.....

Anyway, before you all fall asleep reading all that techno-babble, there is a relative and pertinent point I wish to make, and I will make it in the form of a question:


HOW in the world did I do this work high on percs and vics? And I do mean HIGH, like 15-20 pill at a time slammin high [xx(]

Anyway, I was unable to get any free time over the last couple of days due to that project. And I must tell you this: Doing it with a head that has been increasingly clearer over the last 29 days, was definitely easier than doing it under the influence. No comparison! I am MUCH sharper now.....the pills only TELL US that we're doing better....IT's AN EVIL LIE.....addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It sneaks up on you and gets its tenticals into many key areas.....you start to depend on the chemicals to get through life on an emotional level....but it's the chemicals doing that to you! That's NOT how it really is!

Look, I did Herion for a few years and it lead to me (to make a long story short) ending up in prison for more than half my adult life. You'd think that a person who had experienced THAT kind of significant wreckage in their lives that was OBVIOUSLY and DIRECTLY the result of addicion would know enough to avoid other substances with the potential for physical addiction (as in Narcotics) right?

Well, to me, that is where the cunning, baffling and powerful aspect of this thing comes in. After just one taste of a narcotic after hurting my leg a few years ago......it lead, eventually, to a point at which I was taking up to 40 pills a day, EVERY day just to "get through" my days. I DID NOT PLAN THAT! It.....just......cunningly.....stole.......my..... ...freedom

Well, I'm here to tell you friends, that if you are taking pills and want to stop, you CAN stop. I am the biggest, nastiest, most hopeless junkie you'll ever meet. I've sucked water out of puddles to fill syringes that have been sharpened on matchbook covers to jam in my arms so I could "get right" and I thought I could take Percoset recreationally? If THAT isn't cunning, I don't know what is.

Illus1on - Cutting down is definitely advisable based on the amounts you are taking. I don't know that I'd want to kick a 20mg to 30mg per day OC habit cold turkey, but I too, was taking...oh.....80mg to 100mb per day (crunch/swallow, not snort) at the end (29 days ago) and on the night I quit I actually dumped 4 40mg tabs and 6 20mg tabs down the toilet and came clean with my wife.

Then I faked the flu and went through a rough week - see my posts way earlier in this thread to see what it was like.....

Anyway, I hope you keep coming back here and keep fighting! You can take back your life.....we can help you.

To anyone else who's just getting clean and struggling....just try to finish out the rest of today clean. I know how difficult it can be, but that principle really helps. Just get through today. Don't worry about tomorrow. And just don't use that first pill.

Well, I've got 5 days in a row off work now

My family is coming over later to (belatedly) celebrate by birthday. I turned 42 on Valentines Day and it was nice to be clean on that day for a change [^]

Anyway, I'll check back in later on. Have a nice day everyone!

B

[chrish1]

cluelessNJ Posted - 02/17/2006 : 22:54:27 I still get calls from the dealers I used to buy the oc's from (just got one tonight for 40's) and that is the hardest part.

Not so clueless - Lose the dealer.[}] Stop answering the calls. They'll get the hint. If they keep bugging you, change your phone number. Having them around is a very serious risk to your clean time. One day you might be having a really bad day, and you may having some bad urges, and then the call comes.... It is called a reservation. We sometimes keep open certain avenues, or reservations, just in case - maybe not consciously, but often unconsciously. In my case it took me a couple months before I finally called my supplying doctor and told them I can't take painkillers anymore because my adddiction had escalated. It was a very hard call to make, but I knew if I didn't do it, I was going to relapse.

B - good to see you back. Sounds like you've been busy.

Illusion - I am very concerned about you. Please keep us posted. FIND THE STRENGTH to quit. If you can't do it on your own, seek help. Seek help here, NA, Outpatient/inpatient... However you can get it. I don't ever say that NA is the only way or the best way, but that has worked for me personally. FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS FOR YOU. The key words are FOR YOU. Different things will work for different people. Try some. Perhaps this board will give you the strength. Perhaps you will try NA, and that will work. Perhaps a substance abuse specialist. Perhaps inpatient... etc Judging by your last couple posts, I'd say that you should do something soon, very soon. I'm glad you came here - you must realize the danger. Please keep us posted - We want you to get better.

Chrish





Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[cluelessNJ]

Hello everyone!

Illus1on- I really think if you can get yourself down to a lower doseage and continue to decrease your body will adjust. I think you are building up a tolerance again. I wish I knew exactly what to say to make it sink in for you but I don't. What I will say is that you CAN quit! You can do it cold turkey! Proof of that here. I don't want you to beat yourself up over taking anything. This is your addiction wanting all the control. This is what I want you to take from it.... You want to control your life and right now drugs are controling you! Your addiction doesn't want you to quit because then it will lose control. It wants to continue to get high everyday! I also say you should stop snorting them. I know that was hard for me because my addiction convienced me that I needed to snort them to feel it faster! Well guess what, It wears off faster and you end up snorting more. You will experience some discomfort while decreasing your doseage. I know it was hard for me not to sleep but I did get some xanax (not to abuse it, just took it at night) so I would sleep and not take anything until I got up! You need to tell yourself that you are not taking anything past say 8:00 and then follow thru with that. Your body will adjust! Sominex works well too. I think the coke is confusing you. You know you don't make good decisions on it but you still get it and snort it!
Does anyone in your family or anyone close to you know EVERYTHING that you are going thru? That might help too. Maybe you can have someone else hold your pills and only give you what you should take daily, or separate them yourself and try to only take what you have put aside. Just try to keep yourself distracted. Watch tv, play online, come here and write everthing down.....

Taking back control of your life make you feel very free and proud. You no longer want to hide from the rest of the world.

I'll be back !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[girlie girl]

I failed again. I got back on tabs. I was doing so good and then this girl I know called me and offered them to me. She said that they were going to be gone soon and I better get them. That was a few days ago and I have been eating them like crazy. Way worse than before. I was up all last night throwing up because I had eaten 6 loratabs yesterday and hardley any food. I have been under alot of stress with my husband, He has not been paying the bills with the money I give him. So know Im going to have to pay them myself ....I cant trust him. I dont think he has a secret life I just think he is so bad with money. I did not get the job I was hoping for. But all that stress has cause my stomach to hurt so bad with the crohnes so I really needed something stronger for pain. But why cant I take them only for pain. I have to be stronger than some stupid pill. I know I let yall down again. But Im still fighting this. These pills dont do anything but temporaly put me out of pain but they are going to ruin my life. I have been hiding from the board because I am scared yall are going to be mad at me. But I really need someone to talk to.

Girlie Girl

[cluelessNJ]

Girlie girl,
I so glad to hear from you! I'm not mad at cha! I was a getting worried. Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. Just don't let it get out of control again. Run the tape- you don't want to deal with that week of withdrawl! You said its worse than before so you see it! I wish you would have came and got one of us when the girl called. Thats what happens to me too. Actually Chrish was just telling me I had to let go and stop answering the phone. I know how hard it is but don't stay away[8)]. We want to be hear for you to help with whatever. We got your back! The stress with your husband probaly didn't help either. So between that and not getting the job thats alot to deal with. On top of it your really in pain. I will be thinking of you and i'll send you all the good vibes I have!

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

[chrish1]

Girlie - I am absolutely not mad at you. I'm just glad to see you back. Keep comin' back. It takes a lot of courage to come back on here after a relapse, so I commend you. I always tell people - stay clear of OPPT (Old people, places, and things) that remind you of using. These will lead you to relapse faster than anything. Yes, Not So Clueless and I were just discussing that. It happens, and you have an opportunity to take a lesson away from it.

Stop answering calls from people who have any association with using painkillers. Stop going to old places where you used to score or might remind you in any way of using. Stay away from anything that might lead you back, especially in early recovery, which is where we are most venerable. Another lesson that you can take away is addiction is progressive - we use more and more unless we stop completely. But, if we ever go back, it is like we never stopped, and we will use more than we used to when we go back to it. I heard this over and over in my outpatient program, and I've seen it several times in NA meetings and on-line forums. This is the reality of our addiction. The only safe way is complete abstinance. That was a harsh reality for me, but it is better to understand it than to die of this ****ing addiction. I have so much empathy and love for fellow addicts now that I am clean and I understand the pain of addiction. So, hang in there and start from scratch... but take away the lessons you learned, put them in your toolbox, and use them next time you need them. You can do this Girlie, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Chrish



Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[luvlifemore]

I don't know about anyone else but if the stuff was around me, if I could just go back to it on a whim, I probably wouldn't be "clean" a year. (Actually, girlie I did fall off once too. Two 80s and then none since. A "friend" visited me too.)

If addicts had much willpower they probably wouldn't have become addicts. If I buy bags of chips I'll eat pretty much the whole bag instead of making myself something healthy to eat. If I hang with party friends, I'll party. Call me weak but my solution is to not have chips in the house, and I don't speak/or hang with people that use anymore. In fact I had to move away from them/it. I hope to get enough distance from the desire to be able to say "no" even when it's under my nose. (Pun intended) You are playing with fire to tempt fate every day. The stakes are too high. Been there done that.

Illusion- The detox place is only 5 friggin days! You are lucky to have that available to you for free. In the states it seems to me you have to be rich to get treatment. The point is to get you out of the using RITUAL. Away from your SUPPLY. Think about it. Maybe things will have to get even more ****ty for you before you are willing to give something up. They only ask you to give up candy, pop CDs and contact with the usual people for 5 days. Okay you aren't ready for that. That's cool.

IMHO ...Start by giving SOMETHING up. Quit the coke and just take your usual # mg's OC but take them ORALLY. Give up the the ritual of washing, chopping and snorting (I was there) Yes, you will miss the euphoria as it comes on more slowly this way but you have to start SOMEWHERE. One step at a time, you can do this, but only if you really want it.

I had to run out and be somewhere where I couldn't get more. I did taper some out of necessity, there wasn't going to be any more, then when it was gone it was gone. I did not allow myself to call the "friend" and have more fed ex'd in.

Girlie, Just because you fell off the wagon doesn't mean you have to stay off. Hop back on-quickly! Trial and error is how we learn. Maybe you learned something useful like who to cut out of your life-for good.

Congratulations Barry, Nicole, Chrish, Clueless, H3Guy and all the rest (I should have been taking notes on names) that have had success keep telling us how. When you give up your old friends it's good to have some new ones to talk to.
Happy Birthday Barry!

Time to get outside....
LLM

[cluelessNJ]

Hello everyone, I miss football already! I don't like Sundays without football

Chrish- I know I have to stop answering but I can't tell them to stop calling. I know why they are calling when it shows up in the id but part of me thinks they just want to see how I am. I know I am just keeping that connection open just incase. I know this in the back of my mind but i'm not ready to just change my number. I feel very good about myself when I get to say no. After the initial craving and evil thought[}]!

Illus1on,
Wow, thats a lot to take in. First don't feel bad about anyhting you post! You do have to stop snorting them. In order to stop you have to stop using them to get high! You will never be able to quit if you know you can ask your dad and he will just give them to you! Do your parents know you really want to quit? You should have one of them give you just what you are taking and at the time you want to take it. This way you can't abuse them anymore.

I hope everyone has a happy Sunday! Wow soon it will be a month for me! AHHHHHHHH, thats so exciting.

Not so clueless,

CLEAN DATE 1/23/06