[vicious_cycle]

Oldman
Yes there is a way to lower the tolerance and can be very helpful with the withdrawls when he finally decides to stop.
Have him lower his dose every other day . Meaning , if hes taking 10 a day have him take 9 a day .. then 2 days later 8 a day .. and so forth .. by the time hes down to 1 a day .. his withdrawl will not be as bad when he finally takes 0 a day.
Hope this helps.
Im in the same process actually .
I use to take 30 a day.
Im now weening myself down .
Im now taking 5 a day and working my way down to 0.
I havent posted much in here . but i have read it almost everyday.
You ppl help me alot. Thank you so much . All of you. The ones that use and the ones that made it.



How would you feel about life , If Death were your older sister?

[chrish1]

VTX - Wow, you got 4 posts for the price of one! Seriously, I'm glad things are going well for you. Keep comin' back!

Girlie - I hope everything is okay. Keep us posted.
Remember, you don't have to stay clean forever - Just for today. Take it one day at a time. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months turn into years. Just stick with it, and take it easy. You put a lot of effort into being an addict, and now it is time to put the same amount of effort into being clean. It is worth it. I have 2 kids (5 and 7 years old), and if anything, I stay clean for them. Almost all kids who grow up with addict parents become addicts themselves, even if the addict does their best to hide it. Kids pick up on the subtle levels, and the addict mentality is installed in them. I don't want that for my kids. They deserve better. Anyway, you are getting there mentally. If you just keep trying, you may stumble, but you will NEVER fall. So, don't stop trying.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[VTX1300]

Chrish1,

You see, I had sooo much good stuff to say it had to be said x4lol. Either that or it had to be said x 4 to get it so others could understand what I was saying lol

You're words are said very well. What takes you a couple of sentances takes me pages. YOU ONLY HAVE TO STAY CLEAN FOR TODAY. Very well put.

Vicious cycle,

Good to hear from you again. Glad to hear you are making progress. Keep up the good work. You are kicking the insanity!!!! Just take it one day at a time, you are almost there.


Ol' Man

I'm glad to see that you have The Man in your life. I'm sorry for the means which you have had to endure to achieve this. But God works in mysterious ways. He will do right by you. Keep the faith.

Sorry to hear about the horrible experience you and the Ol' man had. But you gotta look at the positive here.

HE WAS CLEAN!!!!!

True it may have only been 16 hours, but that was 16 hours he could have been using. I know, to your, right now that isn't much to "hand your hat on". But he does have a desire to quite, or he wouldn't have done that. Keep it up. It ain't easy for him and it ain't easy for you. You are doing what you have to do. Have patience, perserverance, and conviction. You are doing great. You're not lost, your just treading in unfamiliar waters right now. Continue to be the voice of TRUTH for Ol' Man. He's got all kinds of **** floating around in his head. Lies, deceit, misunderstandings, etc. You have got to help him to sort out the truth from the untrue. Keep it up!!!

Have you envited again to partake in this forum??? If not, ask him again. Let him know that he has people, JUST LIKE HIM, who care and want to help. He (and you) are not alone in this. We will do all we can to help both of you get thru this. Go ahead and ask again. If he comes, great. If not, we'll still be here when he is ready. Have you asked him about getting to an NA meeting???? If not, ask him. Go and find where and when the meetings are in your area for him. He doesn't have to be clean to attend. All that is require is a DESIRE to quite. Doesn't even have to be a strong desire, just a desire to quite.

I would agree with vicious cycle on the drug weaning. He has weaned down from 30 to 5 pills a day. I did a wean, but it was much less than he. But it will allow his body to get used to not having as much drug on board. It will give the organs and systems a chance to recover slowly without the effects of the drug. I don't remember right off hand how much Ol' man is taking on a daily basis, but I was taking about 8-15 vicodin a day. I was able to get myself weaned down fairly quick with out much withdrawl.

I would say to lay out a plan. Have a plan. And then do the best you both can to stick to it. Have him give you the pills and administer them to him. Once he gets weaned down to a pill a day or so, and decides to quite. If the withdraw is too severe (again he is gonna have to be honest with you about this) then take 1/2 pill for a couple of days and try again. It can and it will happen, if he wants it to.

GIRLIE GIRL, WHERE ARE YOU???????
I want to hear from you, make sure you are doing alright. Talk to us!!!

To all:

Glad to hear so many are doing well. Whether you are using or not, DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT. It will happen, if you let it. If you make the choice. You're all doing well, cuz you have a DESIRE TO QUIT. Just keep taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME. That's all we can do.

Thank you all for helping me. Like it is said, "We keep what we have by giving it away."

Today was the first day in quite a while I had a couple of urges to use. They were small, and fleeting, but there non the less. Originally, I wasn't gonna post tonight. But I realized that this was a signal of my "Stinkin' thinking'". I was starting to move in a negative direction. Realizing this, I know that I had to post tonight. If not for you all, it was for me. It's all good. Thanks to all.

KEEP COMMING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayers for all of you(see below).

BLessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[VTX1300]

Things seem to be pretty quiet round these parts.

Hope all are doing well.

I'll be gone for a week again, check back in next wednesday.

Until then, prayers for all of you. Keep the faith and keep comming back.

Blessings,
X

-------------------------
VTX1300 ** Clean date 1/3/2006**

DON'T USE, NO MATTER WHAT

Say a prayer for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm
-------------------------

[pthelps]

ok guys here goes ,

I have been here from time to time to see how hins and always wondering If I was anddict .I have been taking major amounts of paim killers because of pain from dics and neck surgery . I have several muscle disesse non major but they can bring pain about non the less .I have had physical theraph successfully this time followed up by Massage and chiropractory . I have a lot of athiritis and nerve pain .

I had a very pain lite time in June so I decided to try and get off of the pain killers which I was able to do for a couple of months after withdraws . A month of tapering down and the same withdraws we all get . I was good until about a month after the withdraws then all heck broke loose and the pain began to come back with AVengancy. At first it was a little at a time from time to time and then The pain came back all the rearly leaving . I started taking pain killers just every two or three days but as the pain increased until now I take pain killers almost everyday and have the disire to take more because the pain is here all of the time .I have huge fights with myself to try and convince myself not to take the pain killers . These fight with my will leave me exhausted , in more pain and with the disire to take more in the days to follow .I have recently reinjured my arm and getting test done to see if maybe it is the same thing that happened to send me on this pain journey in the past . Still my question remains that I have asked myself and drs. a like . " Am I an addict " . Is my addiction to these pain killers keeping me from getting well of the fact I keep hurting and keep have things happening to me to cause pain to keep me using . Some times I think it is my brain that is doing funny things to try and get me to take the narcotics I was so dependant on before . Do any of you guys have your brain try and trick you into taking narcotics ? How do you guys fight off the urge when you are in pain ???

I never know if it the pain that brings me back to Rx drug or the drugs that keep bring the pain back to keep me on narcotics or am I still having problems with pain .
I have written here many times about how there is a fine line between street addicts and and Rx drug addicts or dependancy . We all are slaves to some kind of pain . I just do not know what kind I am knowing it does not really matter we all are having problems with pain killers .

lately I have been also looking for a buzz that I am not getting . I am looking for the relaxation I usually get .I am also looking for the pain relief I was getting and nothing at all .I can get anything I usually I get from them . What I am taking now is relitivily small compaired to what I was taking . I have had to bump the dosage by a whole nother pill ....With just a little relief .

I have read some of the NA material you guys have posted . You guys should be so proud of the comitment to life you are making . I am in the position that I am in the healing process because of prayer from my students after I was forced to leave last winter because of meningitis . I returned this year to less hours and younger kids . I love what I do and feel truely blessed to being doing what I love most in the world .This site has taken a very positive turn and you all are doing a great job of supporting each other . I can see where you guys are turning lives around . Wow. what an accomplishment !!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work . I be long to a pain group but narcotics abuse is not some thing that is discussed . I have tried .

Pthelps is my pen name because physical therapy has brought me to this healing point ............Thanks for any I deas you guys have . I know you know how narcotics can mess with your brain so here I am askiing those of you who can deal with your past digressions and my possible mistake also ..............Peace and prayers

[pthelps]

ok guys here goes ,

I have been here from time to time to see how hins and always wondering If I was anddict .I have been taking major amounts of paim killers because of pain from dics and neck surgery . I have several muscle disesse non major but they can bring pain about non the less .I have had physical theraph successfully this time followed up by Massage and chiropractory . I have a lot of athiritis and nerve pain .

I had a very pain lite time in June so I decided to try and get off of the pain killers which I was able to do for a couple of months after withdraws . A month of tapering down and the same withdraws we all get . I was good until about a month after the withdraws then all heck broke loose and the pain began to come back with AVengancy. At first it was a little at a time from time to time and then The pain came back all the rearly leaving . I started taking pain killers just every two or three days but as the pain increased until now I take pain killers almost everyday and have the disire to take more because the pain is here all of the time .I have huge fights with myself to try and convince myself not to take the pain killers . These fight with my will leave me exhausted , in more pain and with the disire to take more in the days to follow .I have recently reinjured my arm and getting test done to see if maybe it is the same thing that happened to send me on this pain journey in the past . Still my question remains that I have asked myself and drs. a like . " Am I an addict " . Is my addiction to these pain killers keeping me from getting well of the fact I keep hurting and keep have things happening to me to cause pain to keep me using . Some times I think it is my brain that is doing funny things to try and get me to take the narcotics I was so dependant on before . Do any of you guys have your brain try and trick you into taking narcotics ? How do you guys fight off the urge when you are in pain ???

I never know if it the pain that brings me back to Rx drug or the drugs that keep bring the pain back to keep me on narcotics or am I still having problems with pain .
I have written here many times about how there is a fine line between street addicts and and Rx drug addicts or dependancy . We all are slaves to some kind of pain . I just do not know what kind I am knowing it does not really matter we all are having problems with pain killers .

lately I have been also looking for a buzz that I am not getting . I am looking for the relaxation I usually get .I am also looking for the pain relief I was getting and nothing at all .I can get anything I usually I get from them . What I am taking now is relitivily small compaired to what I was taking . I have had to bump the dosage by a whole nother pill ....With just a little relief .

I have read some of the NA material you guys have posted . You guys should be so proud of the comitment to life you are making . I am in the position that I am in the healing process because of prayer from my students after I was forced to leave last winter because of meningitis . I returned this year to less hours and younger kids . I love what I do and feel truely blessed to being doing what I love most in the world .This site has taken a very positive turn and you all are doing a great job of supporting each other . I can see where you guys are turning lives around . Wow. what an accomplishment !!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work . I be long to a pain group but narcotics abuse is not some thing that is discussed . I have tried .

Pthelps is my pen name because physical therapy has brought me to this healing point ............Thanks for any I deas you guys have . I know you know how narcotics can mess with your brain so here I am askiing those of you who can deal with your past digressions and my possible mistake also ..............Peace and prayers

[Lelita]

Hey everyone. I posted on the 4th about kicking my 8-month Darvocet-N habit, and I just wanted to say that I'm still off of them two weeks later. I know 8 months is pretty mickey-mouse compared to what some of you are going through... but man, I felt like death on a stick for a few days there. I knew the physical withdrawals would go away eventually, but it's hard to keep that in mind when you're right in the thick of them.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good though! I still get the urge to take Darvos sometimes, but since I got rid of my remaining stash and asked my doctor to cut me off, I CAN'T go back to them. This is one situation where my social anxiety disorder is a good thing -- I'm too chicken to go looking for other sources.

I want to thank you all again just for posting your stories. Keep fighting and stay strong; I'm rooting for you!

~Lelita

[Torxis]

LELITA- 8 months of Darvocet use is not exactly Mickey Mouse. A lesser person would still be using them. You should be proud of yourself.

PtHELPS- I feel really bad for you. You seem to be caught in a vicious unending cycle. Are you an addict? I don't think a label really matters. Do you have a problem? Definately! I don't know if you read my post on biofeedback. It's something for you to consider if you haven't tried it already. If you would like more info let me kn
ow I'll post it for you. Good luck

Uhnonuhmus- I don't know if you read my post on Suboxone. I consider it a miracle drug. It really does work. Need more info let us know.

GirlieGirl- Just to let you know. My pet name for my 3 year old niece is GirlieGirl, so you have a special place here. Whenever I read your posts I think of her, and whenever I'm with her I think of you now. Please check in and let us know you're OK.
To All, Be Well and Remember, We Can Choose to Act or Be Acted Upon!>>>>TOM



My Clean Date:09.09.05

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**
http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEET
http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Hi Guys. I'm ok. I used again. I only made it a few days clean. I'm sorry I let ya'll down. I feel like a Loser!!!! I'm having an endoscopy done in the morning to see if my Crohnes has spread. Been stressed about that. I'm going to wean down on tabs....AGAIN. Has anyone heard of www.myspace.com??? Its this cool site where you can put your pictures and all kinds of stuff about you. One of my friends got me into it. Then you can talk to your friends on there...like email. It has been getting my mind off using. I'll post my site so you can write me if ya want. Love,

Girlie Girl www.myspace.com/rebekahpink69 [:X]

[vicious_cycle]

VTX
lol im a girl

GirlieGirl
You havent let anyone down love.
Keep trying you will make it.
I have a myspace account also.
I will add you to my friends list?
Take Care all

[Torxis]

Hi All, I Hope You All are Well,
Just testing my signature capabilities.
GirlieGirl- I agree, you haven't let anyone down. I don't like to think about all the times I stumbled even fell. But if you keep goodness in your heart and keep your eyes on the prize, you can't keep a good man down(or Woman.)Be back soon.->>>>
TOM





My Clean Date:09.09.05
My E-Mail:Idonursing5@aol.com
Remember, We Can Choose to Act or Be Acted Upon!

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**
http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm
HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEET
http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Thanks Guys.I had 2 tabs yesterday and none so far today. I'm just trying to take this 1 day at a time. I got good news from my Dr. He said my Crohnes has not spread. Yeah. I was so happy to hear that. Anyone feel free to email me own my space. I hope ya'll are doing good. Love, [:X]

Girlie Girl

[chrish1]

Girlie, I'm glad to hear that you still have the desire to quit. That is the most important thing. I'm also glad to her your Crohnes hasn't spread. One of the things I did early in my recovery was tell my doctor that I was an addict. Then, I told my neurologist that I was an addict also. For me, it was key to start closing some of those doors (also known as reservations) in order to protect myself in the future. I still have cravings when there is a lot of stress (like today), and it makes it a lot harder to get opiates and use if those doors are closed. So, I am much less likely to use since those doors are closed. On the streets, as long as the pusher is around, the addict will use. It is the same with doctors. Doctors are our pushers because we are manipulators. Anyway, maybe that will give you something to think about and consider in the near future, when you are ready for that step. Another thing I did was flush all of my stash after I was a couple weeks clean. That was symbolic as well as another reservation death.

101 days clean today. [8D] Yesterday was a big day for me since it was day # 100 clean and our 14 Wedding Anniversary.

Everybody - Keep comin' back. This battle can be won, but it must be won one day at a time. The only day you don't have to use is today. I strongly encourage NA. You will notice that just about all of the clean posters on these boards strongly advocate NA. There is a reason for that. IT WORKS!!!! The proof is all of the clean members. Sure, you are going to get some people in and out or court ordered into NA meetings, but after a month or 2, it is very easy to see who really wants it. Stick with the winners, and you will be a winnner.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

Way To Go Chrish!!!! [:X]

Girlie Girl

[Torxis]

Chrish<----->WOW 1o1 Daze That's GREAT news. Happy anniversary also. Nice job, keep it up. You're an inspiration to us all.

GirlieG--Good news there also. Glad to hear your Crohne's is stable. Have you tried Remicade/Methotrexate? I've seen some really great results with remicade. How long ago were you diagnosed?

Good luck all->>>>TOM

My Clean Date:09.09.05
My E-Mail:Idonursing5@aol.com
Remember, We Can Choose to Act or Be Acted Upon!

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**
http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm
HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEET
http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[girlie girl]

I Have know about it for about 8 months. Pretty much when I started get bad on pain med. My Dr. has me on Asacol.

Girlie Girl

[KirksNoseHair]

I've edited my posts because of privacy concerns. I will sign up under a new user name and repost...

[clooch]

I wanted to reply to Barry
Barry I think you know the answer to your question. You are an addict. And with an addictive personality,ALL chemicals can be harmful. I too am an addict. Most of my family members are addicts. It sounds like you are in danger of loosing everything you love and hold dear. You would really know prison if you loose everything due to this need to alter your reality. Be strong. Seek help from the kind people at NA. Distance yourself from peolple and situations that you instinctively know will put you in harms way. Love yourself enough to protect yourself. You've worked too hard for a "functional" life. Don't throw it all away on a chemical.

Looch

quote:Originally posted by KirksNoseHair

Hello Everyone:

I have been reading these pages a lot over the last couple of days. Like others, I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone and that others have suffered the same ugliness that pills can bring to one's life.

A little about myself - I'm a 41 year old guy from the Boston, MA area. In November of 1983 I was sentenced to 20 years in prison for armed robbery. I committed the crime because I was strung out on Cocaine. That's not an excuse, I'm just telling you what lead to me going such a crazy thing. Well, to make a long story short, after several failed paroles (I ended up using drugs and violating parole 4 times) I finally finished my sentence (with time off for good behavior) in July of 1998.

I got out, hooked up with a wonderful woman I had met on one of my failed parole attempts and we have been married now since 2000. Since getting out of the joint in 1998, I have smoked pot and drank beer, nothing more. These two vices never presented any problems in my life. Although my consumption of both has been daily, the beer has never gotten beyond just a couple and the pot, well, it's just pot, right?

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but a few years ago, a friend of mine, who does Percoset recreationally (and amazingly has never developed a problem with it) gave me a few Percs and I took them and LOVED them.

Before long, I was ordering Vicodin online. Not long after that, I found myself in my doctor's office making up vague "back problems" for which she prescribed Percoset. And I was off to the races. I quickly built up a wicked tolerance to them and before I knew it I would go through a bottle of 90 percs in just a week or two....then I would "sweat it out" for a few days and leave them alone for a while.....I did this roller coaster thing for a while, but eventually I knew it was turning into a problem since I needed the pills to feel good about myself and to get through my days....

Now, considering my background, I have come a long, long way. I have a tremendous 6-figure income job, own a nice home and have a loving wife and family (no kids, I'm referring to my mom, and brothers.....)

I always thought I had it under control, like my friend who just does the pills once in a while. Of course, this was a lie. I was out of control.

Finally, I came clean with my wife about a year and a half ago. I told her I was buying meds online and hooked on Vicodin. It was the hardest thing I ever did. My wife is my best friend. She is SO wonderful! She told me we'd do whatever needed to be done to get through it. I did really well for quite a while -about 6 or 7 months- then broke out again by going to my doctor with phony stories about back pain. She prescribed Percs which I took for about a month or so before coming clean with my wife again. Again, my wife was understanding and supportive. Again, I got some time under my belt, this time about 3 or 4 months.....

Then, about a week ago, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone mentioned that they had a prescription of percoset at home laying around and the beast just took over. I told this person that I could "get them money" for the percs, letting them believe I was acting as a middle-man......got the pills (There were 35 of them) and did them in just a few days.

Now I am back to square one again. I have been off them for 2 days now and I'm just taking it a day at a time. The worst part is having been deceptive with my wife, who I love and respect more than words could possibly convey.

I have such a good life now. I don't want to ruin it. I'm glad there is a place online like this where I can come and read about others who have had this struggle. I have been to NA and AA before and while I agree that they work, I also think that I *can* stop doing these pills and just smoke a little pot and drink like I did for so long with no problems at all.....am I crazy for thinking that? Perhaps.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I will be lurking here now, reading what you folks have to say and will keep you all posted on how I do with this struggle if anyone is interested.

Barry

[chrish1]

Barry,

Thank you for posting your story. Your case nails the nature of addiction on the head. Even with a few months or even years behind us, we must always remain vigilant, myself included. There is no such thing as "kicking" addiction. As soon as we think we have it "kicked," that is probably a pretty good sign that we are going to use again.

Anyway, congratulations on getting your life back on track, and I want to tell you how I think you can keep it. First off, the answer is NO on whether or not you can continue to recreationally use pot and alcohol. The experts (the ones who learned first hand in addiction) tell us that all chemicals and drugs will lead an addict into destruction. Oh, by the way, alcohol IS a drug. The only direction of growth for an addict is to remain abstinent from all drugs. This sounds very difficult, but it can be done if we take it on a day by day basis and go clean 24 hours at a time. After time, we find that our life is better than we could have imagined, and the clean addict is given many gifts and experiences grace.

Work the NA program and save your life. I know it is hard to make time, but it can be done. Anything you put above your recovery will be lost. This is what the addicts who relapsed and came back have told us, time and time again. So, here is the time proven recipe to save your life: Go to 90 NA meetings in 90 days, get a sponser, work the steps, pray, meditate, do service work in all areas of your life, and no matter what don't use.

Chrish

quote:Originally posted by KirksNoseHair

Hello Everyone:

I have been reading these pages a lot over the last couple of days. Like others, I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone and that others have suffered the same ugliness that pills can bring to one's life.

A little about myself - I'm a 41 year old guy from the Boston, MA area. In November of 1983 I was sentenced to 20 years in prison for armed robbery. I committed the crime because I was strung out on Cocaine. That's not an excuse, I'm just telling you what lead to me going such a crazy thing. Well, to make a long story short, after several failed paroles (I ended up using drugs and violating parole 4 times) I finally finished my sentence (with time off for good behavior) in July of 1998.

I got out, hooked up with a wonderful woman I had met on one of my failed parole attempts and we have been married now since 2000. Since getting out of the joint in 1998, I have smoked pot and drank beer, nothing more. These two vices never presented any problems in my life. Although my consumption of both has been daily, the beer has never gotten beyond just a couple and the pot, well, it's just pot, right?

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but a few years ago, a friend of mine, who does Percoset recreationally (and amazingly has never developed a problem with it) gave me a few Percs and I took them and LOVED them.

Before long, I was ordering Vicodin online. Not long after that, I found myself in my doctor's office making up vague "back problems" for which she prescribed Percoset. And I was off to the races. I quickly built up a wicked tolerance to them and before I knew it I would go through a bottle of 90 percs in just a week or two....then I would "sweat it out" for a few days and leave them alone for a while.....I did this roller coaster thing for a while, but eventually I knew it was turning into a problem since I needed the pills to feel good about myself and to get through my days....

Now, considering my background, I have come a long, long way. I have a tremendous 6-figure income job, own a nice home and have a loving wife and family (no kids, I'm referring to my mom, and brothers.....)

I always thought I had it under control, like my friend who just does the pills once in a while. Of course, this was a lie. I was out of control.

Finally, I came clean with my wife about a year and a half ago. I told her I was buying meds online and hooked on Vicodin. It was the hardest thing I ever did. My wife is my best friend. She is SO wonderful! She told me we'd do whatever needed to be done to get through it. I did really well for quite a while -about 6 or 7 months- then broke out again by going to my doctor with phony stories about back pain. She prescribed Percs which I took for about a month or so before coming clean with my wife again. Again, my wife was understanding and supportive. Again, I got some time under my belt, this time about 3 or 4 months.....

Then, about a week ago, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone mentioned that they had a prescription of percoset at home laying around and the beast just took over. I told this person that I could "get them money" for the percs, letting them believe I was acting as a middle-man......got the pills (There were 35 of them) and did them in just a few days.

Now I am back to square one again. I have been off them for 2 days now and I'm just taking it a day at a time. The worst part is having been deceptive with my wife, who I love and respect more than words could possibly convey.

I have such a good life now. I don't want to ruin it. I'm glad there is a place online like this where I can come and read about others who have had this struggle. I have been to NA and AA before and while I agree that they work, I also think that I *can* stop doing these pills and just smoke a little pot and drink like I did for so long with no problems at all.....am I crazy for thinking that? Perhaps.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I will be lurking here now, reading what you folks have to say and will keep you all posted on how I do with this struggle if anyone is interested.

Barry

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[chrish1]

Tom -

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes, I'm glad that I'm an addict, otherwise I wouldn't have this awesome opportunity to walk the road to recovery with other recoverying addicts. Keep up the great work. It's great to have you on board here!

Chrish

quote:Originally posted by Torxis

Chrish<----->WOW 1o1 Daze That's GREAT news. Happy anniversary also. Nice job, keep it up. You're an inspiration to us all.

GirlieG--Good news there also. Glad to hear your Crohne's is stable. Have you tried Remicade/Methotrexate? I've seen some really great results with remicade. How long ago were you diagnosed?

Good luck all->>>>TOM

My Clean Date:09.09.05
My E-Mail:Idonursing5@aol.com
Remember, We Can Choose to Act or Be Acted Upon!

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**
http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm
HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEET
http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[KirksNoseHair]

again, edited for privacy concerns.....will sign up under a different user name momentarily and repost

[chrish1]

Hey Kirks, I know how you feel. I can remember when I was 3 days clean, and it was a stressful time. I thought I was having a heart attack about once or twice a day. My heart rate was about 110 per minute, and I was anxious as hell.

As for using "just pot" recreationally, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. I've smoked plenty of pot in my day. I was a daily user also for several years. If I am smoking pot daily, I would view that as a problem in itself. It does affect users in negative ways, even if the user doesn't realize it (yet). I recommend doing a little google research on the long term effects of pot use. There is a lot of scientific evidence showing brain damage, psychological dependence, and other issues. I've seen the actual brain scans, and the brains of long term pot users are almost identical to the brain scans of schizophrenics.

The biggest issue with just using pot and alcohol is the fact that they are gateway drugs to more destructive drugs to an addict. You are an example since you were just using those, and they led you to a more destructive drug to you, painkillers. Time and time again, people come into the NA rooms and talk about how it started with "just alcohol" or they were on the "marijuana maintenance program," and it led to something more destructive. That is why we are what we are... addicts. In many other cases, what the user has never had a problem with, becomes the problem itself, given time. It is always a sublte increase. I'm not saying this from my first hand knowledge, I'm telling you what many others have experienced. Why not listen to the countless others who have been there?

You are doing great by putting together a few clean days. Remember, you don't have to worry about tomorrow. Just don't use today.
I recommend finding a sponser and going over the first step. Anyway, I hope this helps some. Whether or not you want to use pills or other drugs is your choice, but I am just giving my opinion. It is a hard pill to swallow. It was very difficult for me to accept that I can't use drugs in any form, but I have accepted it. But, you know what... It's not nearly as bad as you might imagine. As a matter of fact, it's one of the best things I have ever done for myself, and I feel good today.

Chrish

quote:Originally posted by KirksNoseHair

Day 3 with no pills. I haven't been able to sleep much. This morning, I sent an email to someone who has supplied me in the past with OxyContin. I had deceived her into thinking that I was a middle-man getting the pills for someone else....she has prescriptions for them but doesn't take them....

I came clean with her in my email, but in vague terms. She'll know exactly what I mean. I've heard that I have to cut off these sources because not doing so is really just a reservation to use again.

I've been to NA and AA before. In fact, at one time I had well over a full year completely clean and sober. The struggle I am having right now is that my wife smokes pot (recreationally) and it has never, ever been a problem for her. My best friend, who is my wife's sister's husband and was best man at my wedding also smokes pot. Again for him it has never been a problem. It wasn't a problem for me either. I smoked daily (pretty much) since 1998 and it never did anything to affect my life. I'm kind of high strung and it relaxes me.

As for beer, well, I like the taste of beer. I rarely drink more than 3 or 4 at a time and again, it has never, ever, been a problem for me.

Now pills, that is a different story altogether. Once I start, I cannot stop. It just takes me over and completely changes my thinking and self-perception. I do more of them even though in the back of my mind I know that I am doing something really, really dangerous and stupid.

Part of me realizes that I probably belong back in AA and/or NA, but part of me also KNOWS that I went YEARS with no problems whatsoever when I just smoked pot. SO, suffice it to say that at the moment I am very, very strongly committed to stopping the pills, but the other stuff, well....I don't know yet.

How could I live in the same house with someone who smokes pot daily? Is it fair to ask my wife to stop because I should abstain from everything?

I'm just kinda brain-dumping here, sorry if I'm meandering all over the place.....

I feel a little better today than I did yesterday and know that the more days I string together with no pills the better I will feel. FOR NOW, *just for today* I am also abstaining from beer and pot. I'm just doing that today, I don't know **** about what I'll do tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks for the replies to my post. I will be here reading what you all have to say about my situation should you feel like responding and I thank you all for being here and understanding my situation....

Man, it sucks to be me right now

Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[smileagain]

VTX1300
First I not that other person (I forgot who you wrote)and Second Sorry it took me so long to write, but i usally post on Need To Talk and I don't get many replies. I don't know why but it really hurts. Maybe I'll just stay right here on this site and get better luck. Thank you SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURGEMENT. But as you can see and please I don't mean to put anyone down, but you were the only one to write to me. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or what. I wrote a couple of posts on Need to Talk that were pleading for help and hardly anyone wrote. I just don't get it. But anyway things are SO STRESSFUL here it's unbelievable. My husband is as cruel as ever i swear it's like he has the devil in him. I just don't know what i will do sometimes. Had to rush my 17 year old to the hospital last night, nothing serious he woke up with a HORRIBLE toothache. I'm dealing with 2 hours sleep, i have to miss work take him to the dentist, call my other son's guidence counselor at school, etc. etc. BUT today is 20 DAYS CLEAN and on 4mg of suboxone. I forgot to go to my profile. I will do it from now on. Thanks again for the support.
Love,
smileagain

[smileagain]

Hi everyone,
Just checking to see if my signature page works
smileagain


Clean Date 1/04/06
Keep Smiling, Brighter Days Ahead

[smileagain]

Hi Barry,
You're doing great buddy. 3 DAYS CLEAN of those pills. That's better than no days clean. Try tyenyol pm to help you sleep. We're all told to do it for ourselves and that's true. But also think of your wife. Think of how much she has stood behind you and how much faith she has in you. You can't let yourself or her down. You can do this. Look at all you have been thru in your life and look where you are now. You're already in a better starting place. At least your not starting from a point of taking 30 a day for 2 years straight, or taking them every day for 5 years. Your started back up a little over a month ago. Not to say it easy but i always try to look on the bright side and say it could be worse. So hang in there, we are all here for you.
Smileagain


Clean Date 1/04/06
Keep Smiling, Brighter Days Ahead

[KirksNoseHair]

edited one last time for privacy conerns....signing up now under a different user name

[chrish1]

Kirks - That is a tough situation you have with your wife and her family. I would certainly never tell you to leave her since she smokes weed. Some of the inpatient/outpatient programs will tell you that, but the outpatient program I graduated from did not say that. Personally, I think it is a crock of s@it that anybody should tell somebody to leave their spouse since they are using. That is your call completely, and you have to do what you know is right for you and your recovery.

I don't have an enormous amount of clean time, 105 days today, but I seriously recommend you do 90 meetings in 90 days. Explain to your wife that you need to do it to save your life and your marriage, and I'm sure that she will understand. Maybe, you could even have her attend a meeting in support of you. When I stopped using with the help of NA, I committed to 90 days with nothing, including pot and alcohol. A funny thing happened after I completed that 90 days.... I decided to keep going drug free. I kept going because it was the first time in over 15 years that I put together that much clean time, and I saw an enormous amount of personal growth. The satisfaction of personal growth is indescribalbe, and I'm sure you can relate to that given your background. I was an active addict for over 20 years, and if I can do it and find it very satisfying, anybody can!

All I'm saying is to keep an open mind and give it a try for 90 days, and then see how you feel. I hope this helps on some level.

Smileagain - Keep smilin' [8D] You're doing great. Make sure you don't just rely on the suboxone - Get educated on addiction also. I'd recommend you attend NA meetings - at least 90 meetings in 90 days. Getting clean is the easy part. Staying clean is the hard part, so you need to get educated on addiction because it can be extemely cunning, tricky, and frustrating. Hang in there, and congrats on your clean time. Try to wean off that Suboxone pretty quickly since the physical withdrawal from that can be really rough. Did those migranes go away?

Chrish


Clean Date: 10/11/05

--ONE DAY AT A TIME--

*NA RECOVERY LITERATURE**

http://www.na.org/ips/eng/index.htm

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[lordy]

Hey Barry (and everyone),
Your postings are very cool. I posted earlier today about my recent struggles, but I can't quite seem to figure out to get postings in the right place. Anyhoo.
Me: 42, love pills. Must stop. Loooooove pain pills. Day 1, yahoo!

Dunno, I might be wrong, but it seems to me that somehow, the other two substances (beer, pot) aren't gateway drugs. I'll probably get tarred and feathered for saying that, but...I don't know. I mean if those things haven't been a problem for you, and they haven't been a problem for years at a time...it just seems to me that the pills are the problem for you.
No pills for you!
I do think your wife would probably not mind not smoking weed for a few weeks, if it would help you along.
Well-- my son is farting in the bathtub, and thinks it's about hysterical (it is). Me go swaddle son, me check back soon. Just thought I'd share my two-cents' worth.

[Junkie781]

I setup a new account under this user name since the other one I was using is somewhat known online....

Here are my first 3 posts here:

Hello Everyone:

I have been reading these pages a lot over the last couple of days. Like others, I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone and that others have suffered the same ugliness that pills can bring to one's life.

A little about myself - I'm a 41 year old guy from the Boston, MA area. In November of 1983 I was sentenced to 20 years in prison for armed robbery. I committed the crime because I was strung out on Cocaine. That's not an excuse, I'm just telling you what lead to me going such a crazy thing. Well, to make a long story short, after several failed paroles (I ended up using drugs and violating parole 4 times) I finally finished my sentence (with time off for good behavior) in July of 1998.

I got out, hooked up with a wonderful woman I had met on one of my failed parole attempts and we have been married now since 2000. Since getting out of the joint in 1998, I have smoked pot and drank beer, nothing more. These two vices never presented any problems in my life. Although my consumption of both has been daily, the beer has never gotten beyond just a couple and the pot, well, it's just pot, right?

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but a few years ago, a friend of mine, who does Percoset recreationally (and amazingly has never developed a problem with it) gave me a few Percs and I took them and LOVED them.

Before long, I was ordering Vicodin online. Not long after that, I found myself in my doctor's office making up vague "back problems" for which she prescribed Percoset. And I was off to the races. I quickly built up a wicked tolerance to them and before I knew it I would go through a bottle of 90 percs in just a week or two....then I would "sweat it out" for a few days and leave them alone for a while.....I did this roller coaster thing for a while, but eventually I knew it was turning into a problem since I needed the pills to feel good about myself and to get through my days....

Now, considering my background, I have come a long, long way. I have a tremendous 6-figure income job, own a nice home and have a loving wife and family (no kids, I'm referring to my mom, and brothers.....)

I always thought I had it under control, like my friend who just does the pills once in a while. Of course, this was a lie. I was out of control.

Finally, I came clean with my wife about a year and a half ago. I told her I was buying meds online and hooked on Vicodin. It was the hardest thing I ever did. My wife is my best friend. She is SO wonderful! She told me we'd do whatever needed to be done to get through it. I did really well for quite a while -about 6 or 7 months- then broke out again by going to my doctor with phony stories about back pain. She prescribed Percs which I took for about a month or so before coming clean with my wife again. Again, my wife was understanding and supportive. Again, I got some time under my belt, this time about 3 or 4 months.....

Then, about a week ago, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone mentioned that they had a prescription of percoset at home laying around and the beast just took over. I told this person that I could "get them money" for the percs, letting them believe I was acting as a middle-man......got the pills (There were 35 of them) and did them in just a few days.

Now I am back to square one again. I have been off them for 2 days now and I'm just taking it a day at a time. The worst part is having been deceptive with my wife, who I love and respect more than words could possibly convey.

I have such a good life now. I don't want to ruin it. I'm glad there is a place online like this where I can come and read about others who have had this struggle. I have been to NA and AA before and while I agree that they work, I also think that I *can* stop doing these pills and just smoke a little pot and drink like I did for so long with no problems at all.....am I crazy for thinking that? Perhaps.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I will be lurking here now, reading what you folks have to say and will keep you all posted on how I do with this struggle if anyone is interested.

Barry




Day 3 with no pills.

I've been to NA and AA before. In fact, at one time I had well over a full year completely clean and sober. The struggle I am having right now is that my wife smokes pot (recreationally) and it has never, ever been a problem for her. My best friend, who is my wife's sister's husband and was best man at my wedding also smokes pot. Again for him it has never been a problem. It wasn't a problem for me either. I smoked daily (pretty much) since 1998 and it never did anything to affect my life. I'm kind of high strung and it relaxes me.

As for beer, well, I like the taste of beer. I rarely drink more than 3 or 4 at a time and again, it has never, ever, been a problem for me.

Now pills, that is a different story altogether. Once I start, I cannot stop. It just takes me over and completely changes my thinking and self-perception. I do more of them even though in the back of my mind I know that I am doing something really, really dangerous and stupid.

Part of me realizes that I probably belong back in AA and/or NA, but part of me also KNOWS that I went YEARS with no problems whatsoever when I just smoked pot. SO, suffice it to say that at the moment I am very, very strongly committed to stopping the pills, but the other stuff, well....I don't know yet.

How could I live in the same house with someone who smokes pot daily? Is it fair to ask my wife to stop because I should abstain from everything?

I'm just kinda brain-dumping here, sorry if I'm meandering all over the place.....

I feel a little better today than I did yesterday and know that the more days I string together with no pills the better I will feel. FOR NOW, *just for today* I am also abstaining from beer and pot. I'm just doing that today, I don't know **** about what I'll do tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks for the replies to my post. I will be here reading what you all have to say about my situation should you feel like responding and I thank you all for being here and understanding my situation....

Man, it sucks to be me right now


I think I may need meetings to deal with this. Meetings and total abstinance. That is how I am feeling right now.

One of my fears, and I know my wife is going to read this later so perhaps this is my way of getting this out in the open....

Anyway, one of my fears is that my going to meetings with negatively impact my relationship with my wife. I went to meetings while living with her many years ago, and the advice I got at the meetings was that I could not continue to live with someone who used drugs (weed) daily. I ended up leaving her back then, partially because of that, partially because I was just an I D I O T back then, but I digress....

So, EVERYONE on my wife's side of the family smokes. I am NOT leaving my wife because I can't handle myself. Why should SHE have to suffer because of MY problem? She smokes daily, yeah, but she's a law abiding tax paying citizen in every sense of the word, it has never and will never be a problem for her. Am I to expect her to quit doing that? She lives here too.

So there is my struggle. Couple it with the FACT that I DID maintain myself just smoking for over 5 years, I have to wonder if I just need to get through this physical withdrawal period, hang in there long enough for it to all get out of my system and stay honest with myself in knowing that I just can't go near anything other than beer/weed like I did for so long.....

Ahh the roller coaster in my brain right now....

Considering meetings, but concerned about the impact on my life. I haven't even mentioned my mom or brothers who think I'm now the role model for all ex cons....

Anyway, thanks for the responses so far, I'll keep you all posted

================================================== =================

Now it's day 4 and luckily I had some sick time to use from my job. I just could not bring myself to go to work the last couple of days. I'm emotionally depleted...empty inside.....hating myself, ashamed of myself, feeling ugly.....

My wife read my posts last night. She said our relationship is more important to her than a joint. I don't know how I feel about this because TO ME, she should not have to go without something that has never been a problem to her just because her husband is a no-good junkie idiot....for now I'll just leave it alone.

I feel somewhat better today, but still emotionally strung out. Crying, anger, crying, anger, crying anger......and endless cycle of ugly emotions. Why did I do this to myself?

Today will be my first day with NO substances of any kind in quite a long time. Over 7 years, in fact. I have no plans to use anything today. Yesterday I smoked some weed and it made me feel terrible. Strange, because I used to like it SO much. Perhaps it is just a symptom of detoxing from painkillers.

I haven't decided if I am going to meetings yet. I know I probably should, but I was wondering if anyone posting on here has any experience with Rational Recovery? They have a website that is quite interesting (www.rational.org)

They claim that addicts CAN stop using WITHOUT meetings.....

I dunno, I'm just not going to use anything today and we'll see what tomorrow brings. Right now I am reading the book "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. I can't put it down, so I'm going back to the book. Thanks again people

[mpvt]

Don't worry about your feelings right now.You have to remember when your detoxing cold turkey every living nerve in your body is crying out and really getting those feelings out isn't a bad thing.I'm not a doctor but I am a 25 year addict and in my opinion you need to stop all the drug intake that includes weed and booze at least for now.It wouldn't hurt you to phone one of the many addiction help lines and start talking to people who understand were your coming from.James Frey is right about one thing and that is you have to want to stop and then make the decision not to take that pill or have that drink because if you do then you know eventually your going to lose your wife and possibly your own life.You've already quit before so you know how to do it what you need to do now is to stay sober and that's were you need to get ahold of the medical proffesionals.Or even NA which I personally don't agree with but it's up to you,if it works then do it.Good luck to you and I know by your post that your more then strong enough to do this you just have to learn how to stay sober.....Dave