Hi, All. Thank you for sharing your stories and input. It helps to know you're here. I'm in need of some feedback, myself.
I've suffered SEVERE episodic migraines for 44 years (I'm 54). Untreated, these attacks were extremely traumatic: the pain was such that on occasion, I'd take to bashing my head against a concrete wall because the pain of that was a welcome distraction from the pain of the migraine (not uncommon behavior among migraineurs). I had visual disturbances, neurological symptoms, and constant vomiting (a dozen times or more on average). I would usually end up curled around the toilet until the migraine finally subsided. Sometimes, I'd have a reprieve of a few hours and then the whole cycle would begin again. Even though these episodes would occur only a few times a year, my nightly prayer would always include: "...and please don't let me get a migraine tomorrow, Amen."
I'd tried multiple medications, preventatives, etc. over the years with no success until 1998, when triptans, an abortive that actually stops the migraine process, came on the market. They worked perfectly--hallelujah! And since the attacks were infrequent, they went from being a constant source of fear and apprehension to basically a non-issue. I couldn't believe how negatively they'd affected my thinking, my activities, and my life until I was essentially freed of them. What a difference and a joy!
Four years ago, possibly due to my age and/or as a result of intestinal surgery (which can do interesting things to your hormones), the frequency of attacks suddenly shot up--I now have one every 10 days or so, sometimes more, sometimes less, with periods when they'll occur daily for a week as well. I continued (under my headache specialist/neurologist's care) to use the triptans with success, although life became more physically and mentally stressful, as you can imagine.
Then, last fall, after a particularly intense week-long bout, I had a heart attack. Although it's rare, sequential use of triptans can create strong enough vasoconstriction to cause cardiac events. So I can no longer use them. My only alternative now is heavy-duty pain meds.
My neuro (who is very compassionate regarding pain) and I tried out a few of the most effective ones (Percocet--nope, too much
acetaminophen;
Opana--yuck! Too stoned, rebound pain and hangovers) until we hit on plain old
oxycodone 5 mg immediate release. It has been the ideal solution. No rebound pain, no hangover, I can function perfectly well in my job with 30 mg (the baseline effective therapeutic dose) or even more in my system. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to live a normal life after giving up triptans. (I had just started a new career that I worked my butt off to train for, and I was afraid I'd have to give it all up before I'd even begun.)
BUT...gradually I discovered that a very low dose of oxy, around 10-15 mg, made a really pleasant nightcap along with some hot milk (I am a chronic insomniac and sometimes use
Ambien, but I hate how it makes me feel). I've gotten into this ritualistic behavior where I'll put on my jammies, fuzzy warm socks, heat up the milk, pop a few, and just spend a pleasant couple of hours reading in bed, chatting with my (wonderful, adorable) husband, or watching a favorite TV show. And this has morphed from an occasional treat to a nightly thing for the past month. It terrifies me to know that between the headaches and the "fun", I've burnt through 118 of my 120 pills in just under a month, whereas that amount used to last for three months.
I know I'm displaying addictive behavior--the ritual, the attachment, the "I've been through hell and out and then back into hell and I DESERVE a break for once" thinking. Writing this, I have to laugh...me with my fuzzy jammies, special fun-time mug, and milk, Doris Day in a shooting gallery...I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect, it's just the picture is kind of amusing, but then again, it isn't.
I don't want this to turn me into a liar, a user of people (I respect my neuro so much, he's my doctor, not my dealer, but I don't dare share this with him yet if ever); my sweet husband works and brings in the income and provides us with medical coverage, and this is how I thank him? By the way, loving as he is, this is not something I can talk to him about, either--he's been through it with wife number 1, and his face is permanently full where this subject is concerned.
The thing is, pain meds WILL be a part of my life for as long as the migraines are a part of it, too. There is simply no getting around that. And I will never, NEVER again suffer a full blown attack (I couldn't handle it mentally, aside from the fact that my system wouldn't be able to handle it either at this frequency level).
Supposedly there'll be a new abortive on the market in a few years that cardiac patients can use, so I'll of course try that when it comes out. But for now, it's pain meds.
I stopped myself from taking my oxy treat last night; it's been over 24 hours with no real wd symptoms so far, just feeling a little weird but nothing some chamomile tea and letting the fan blow over me hasn't helped. But I don't know how to handle this situation. Even if I stay away from the recreational use, I'll have to take the meds sooner or later (most likely sooner, and fall is my worst migraine time of year). And then it'll be, mmmMMMMmmmm...
Any thoughts, experiences, help?? I would be so grateful, and thank you for listening.
Pill Addicts 
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