[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by Need2bfree

I read through this thread and it is amazing all the people who are going through the same thing that I am trying to get through. I have been addicted to hydrocodone for over 3 years now, and I have three pills left, and i just have to stop this madness. I have tried a few times before, and it is so rough that I find myself back into it again and again. I want to feel normal again and not have to rely on drugs to do just about anything. I don't want to worry about how many I have left, the lying and the fact that I lost a relationship with my adult daughter because of it. She found out that I was using and wont have anything to do with me. Its killing me. We were so close. I missed her getting married, she moved out of state and I feel so guilty. I have a teenage son at home and I dont want to screw that up to. I am a housewife looking for a job right now, and having no luck. I use drugs to cope with the ******************** in my life and then feel the guilt, and so on... Anyone else out there feel like this? Thanks for listening.

Need2bfree, I've been to a lot of NA meetings, and one thing I find is that there is virtually nothing that I feel that others in the rooms haven't felt also. As addicts, we tend to have very similar experiences, feelings, and thoughts. Don't think that your relationship with your daughter is over. It isn't. We are not responsible for our disease, but we ARE responsible for our recovery. Seek help - NA/AA meetings, inpatient/outpatient programs, therepy, literature on addiction and recovery, online blogs...etc. The help is there - use it. Find a support group that you can share with. Discussing our feelings with other addicts has incredible theraputic value.

Coming Home

[LORDHELPME7721]

i hope this is rock bottom for me.. i went to church tonight and realized that I just dont feel anything anymore. The better part of a decade now, gone! I dont want to be this way. hydrocodone has taken away my ability to feel any normal or happy feeling...like the weather right now, usually makes me feel just great, warm and fuzzy! and when i was first getting into hydro, i would feel the good feeling of the pills, AND combined with the great feelings of the seasons changing and colder weather would feel really really great! Now I just feel like dying! Even when i'm not having withdrawls I still feel just ********************py. I wonder if I can ever enjoy life again...I know one thign though, using my logic I know that either I can continue using hydros and never enjoy anything ever again, or QUIT using and MAYBE enjoy life again one day?
So from a logical perspective the answer is to quit. now why cant I???

thanks anybody for listening and really thank you if you reply. I really look forward to it.
thx!
-LordHelpme! 60mg hydro per day. Clean date: xx-xx-xx.

[lyds]

Originally Posted by LORDHELPME7721

i hope this is rock bottom for me.. i went to church tonight and realized that I just dont feel anything anymore. The better part of a decade now, gone! I dont want to be this way. hydrocodone has taken away my ability to feel any normal or happy feeling...like the weather right now, usually makes me feel just great, warm and fuzzy! and when i was first getting into hydro, i would feel the good feeling of the pills, AND combined with the great feelings of the seasons changing and colder weather would feel really really great! Now I just feel like dying! Even when i'm not having withdrawls I still feel just ********************py. I wonder if I can ever enjoy life again...I know one thign though, using my logic I know that either I can continue using hydros and never enjoy anything ever again, or QUIT using and MAYBE enjoy life again one day?
So from a logical perspective the answer is to quit. now why cant I???

thanks anybody for listening and really thank you if you reply. I really look forward to it.
thx!
-LordHelpme! 60mg hydro per day. Clean date: xx-xx-xx.

Why can't you quit? Well, for one thing, it's hard! But, you'll quit when you're ready. I know I must have "quit" a million times before last January. Not sure what it was about my last time that actually made it my last time. I am just thankful that it was.

I know my words are just that, words. I do hope you can find some comfort in them, however. You will find happiness again when you quit hydros. I know it doesn't feel as if you will. I know how hard it was for me, too. I cried at everything. Things that usually brought me happiness meant little to me. It just seemed to me that I was never going to be happy and that I was going to be dealing with the depression that getting sober brought forever. Of course, that was not the case. I found happiness again. It was slow going, but it came.

You can do it when you're ready. Please continue to post here and let us help you if we can!

[alonenomore]

Wondering how Sammy is doing? Has anyone spoken to him. Would be nice to know he is okay and making it ya know. I feel stronger now since i found this site and really am starting to actually want to quit! Believe in yourself and if you cannot, i will believe for you until you cant deny how beautiful you are, nor this addiction which has left so many scars.

[Mike VG]

Originally Posted by mitzu

i agree...she will not have luck doing it on her own...i know first hand of the treatment with suboxone....it is phenomenal. easy transition...no withdrawal symptoms.... a must! www.suboxone.com

good luck!

Thanks a lot for the Suboxone hyperlink. I may need to be using it in the very near future. Thanks again.

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by LORDHELPME7721

i hope this is rock bottom for me.. i went to church tonight and realized that I just dont feel anything anymore. The better part of a decade now, gone! I dont want to be this way. hydrocodone has taken away my ability to feel any normal or happy feeling...like the weather right now, usually makes me feel just great, warm and fuzzy! and when i was first getting into hydro, i would feel the good feeling of the pills, AND combined with the great feelings of the seasons changing and colder weather would feel really really great! Now I just feel like dying! Even when i'm not having withdrawls I still feel just ********************py. I wonder if I can ever enjoy life again...I know one thign though, using my logic I know that either I can continue using hydros and never enjoy anything ever again, or QUIT using and MAYBE enjoy life again one day?
So from a logical perspective the answer is to quit. now why cant I???

thanks anybody for listening and really thank you if you reply. I really look forward to it.
thx!
-LordHelpme! 60mg hydro per day. Clean date: xx-xx-xx.

You certainly will be happy again. Quitting is hard. Try to think of it as one day at a time. Focus on doing good deeds so that you can feel better about yourself. Work on a relationship with a higher power. Try meetings. Get a support group. TALK about your feelings and emotions to people that are close to you. It is hard since we are so used to getting instant gratification from the opiates, and we hate to go through "that period of time" where we feel ********************py. Once we get through that, we can enjoy the little things in life again. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we can get back to that place, but all I can give is my experience, and my experience is that I felt better over time. One morning you will wake up and the birds will be singing again, the sun will be shining again, and the wind will be blowing again.

Coming Home.

[Mike VG]

This is all my opinion, so remember we're all on this big rock together. I think that you're visit to church was an attempt for fou to reach out to God and get those warm, fuzzy feelings we used to get when we were in the infancy of our relationship with our spiritual Father, our God. But when we grow and move on through our life, IF WE ARE BELIVERS--IF WE ARE HIS CHILDREN and not players--then he promises to test each and everyone of us. God romances us at first and then slowly withdraws Himself as far as our ability to sense Him. Then comes the tests, the warm, fuzzy feelings are gone and the test of FAITH begins. God will never leave those who believe in and call upon His Name. You need a support group, maybe a sponsor.If not--at least some people that are going through the same process that you're going through (preferably a small group of people that believe in a higher power than ourselves). We are refined in the fire. Now you're gonna get a lot of know-it-alls who would call all this gobbledygook and for weak people. Their final destination is somewhere else than yours. There is a purpose for this in your life I could go on and on but if you would like to talk further I'm right here. Get some support to help you Quit. In-person help. Hang in there. If you stumble, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get down on your knees. God Bless.
Mike V

[ComingHome]

Lane, I've been thinking about you, and I hope you are okay. Please keep us posted with everything going on with you. I hope the weaning is going well....

Coming Home

[PhenoBarbiDoll]

you have ny best wishes...this is a life sentence in my book....or signing a deal with the devil dope pills they are all the same and VERY hard to cum off of.....

yes you get very sick, my friend got so sick he hung himself....
so it nothers me when people really do not seem to know nor care ya know....best of luck

[lb1071]

Coming Home, I aint been doin too great lately. I am also bipolar and it sure as hell dont help much. I don't mean to stay away, I just don't have the gumption or the energy to do much.
Don't worry though, I'll pull out of this funk, I always do and I will be back soon!
THank You for caring.

Lane

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by lb1071

Coming Home, I aint been doin too great lately. I am also bipolar and it sure as hell dont help much. I don't mean to stay away, I just don't have the gumption or the energy to do much.
Don't worry though, I'll pull out of this funk, I always do and I will be back soon!
THank You for caring.

Lane

Hang in there Lane. I know you will be fine - keep riding it out. Put on a little Zep a day and your troubles will go away. Start with a Zeppelin II.

Coming Home

[slav123]

here is my story i started taking vicodins at 18 but not seriously maybe like 1 a week at age 19 i met my girlfriend and thought i can be a funner person to her while im on drugs and the more i would be with her the more i was taking. i let her try a vike and that was teh worst mistake of my life. now im 22 we are both taking percs now, but we only take at night about 2 in half 3 at most a day because anything more would make me sick. i recently went on vacation and the only real withdrawal i had was diarhea and tiredness and was off of it for 7 days but when i got back i was right back on it. we both want to stop so bad but its just so hard. is it going to be easier for to quit since we dont take as much as other people.

[Musicman1969]

I'm new but thrilled to have discovered this site's messageboard !! I used to only use it to see what a certain pill looked liked and its effects etc.

I have been fighting opiate addiction since 05, pretty much anything I could get my hands on but OxyContin is/was my drug of choice simply based on availablility and cost. Although it starts out as a fun thing, it has turned me into a slave and I've NEVER been addicted to anything else besides this ever.

I fell down some stairs in Aug 04 and REALLY wrenched my back, I received Morphine for the month I was couch-bound and discovered a side-effect of opiates that made me instantly LOVE them. It prolonged my ability to last longer during sex. Ever since I discovered orgasm's, I always rushed masterbation, (I'm pretty sure this is one of the main reasons I normally can't last more than 1 to 2 minutes max during intercourse. This has always caused me much stress in my life and caused many break-ups in relationships....I would always drink alcohol, even though I disliked it, when starting out in relationships, so I would last longer...Obviously that was not the greatest idea for so many reasons but then low and behold I discovered that a pill that also made you feel euphoric also prolonged orgasms.

Ok enough about that, I had to give you this information because I wonder if that is a common reason for men to abuse opiates or any drug for that matter ? Bottomline is I really never thought I could get addicted to anything and went away for a 4 day trip at the end of cycle of abuse with OC 80ml, that made me feel like death !! All the symptons described on this board for the very first time. The way I describe it now is that even someone touching your hair hurts....Everything is so sensitive and the sleeplessness is unbearable. I have finally come to grips with the problem, realize I need medical help, (not rehab, as I trully don't think I will need it and cannot risk anyone knowing about my addiction). I need medical help that allows me to get though the 7 to 10 days of agony and I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN !!

I'm Male 37 and live in Vancouver BC, Canada. Any advice and stories are helpful, I have decided to go see a DR and see what they can do for me, any advice as to what I should be requesting besides Valium would be much appreciated.....Thanks and wish me luck !!

[Junkie781]

but I've also seen many get 2 or 3 months and then just disappear.

I forget who posted this above, but it really hit home for me. If you go back about 50 or so pages in this thread you'll read all about me getting clean. Back then I was taking about 50 percoset 5/325's weekly....it was what my supplier could supply... I got clean, got into drug counseling, had a few months of clean time under my belt and then the stinking thinking that comes with this nasty disease kicked in and I stopped going to counseling, refused to return phone calls from my counselor and started using again....my supplier, who is a friend of mine, thought I was being a "middle man" and getting the drugs for other people, which is how I explained the HUGE amounts I was getting from her.

Amounts....well, here until last Friday (4 days ago) I was getting 12 20MG Oc's and 30 15mg Oxycodone pills from her at a time. I would take all of the 15mg oxycodone's at once, or take all 12 Oc's crunching them, of course) all at once....nice buzz.....

A few weeks ago, my brother got married, I was messed up at his wedding, even thought I promised myself I wouldn't do that. Excuse me for just rambling here, but I'm just trying to get things off my chest....

After the wedding, I came clean with my wife. She is the most wonderful person on earth. She was very understanding (although also pretty upset) but she didn't judge me, didn't flip out, just told me to try again....

Oh, did I mention that I'm a former heroin addict and I spent from 1983 until 1998 in prison because of crimes I committed to get my fix?

Yeah, you'd think someone with a history like that I would know better than to mess with opiates....but it just goes to prove that addition is cunning, baffling and powerful....

Anyway, here I am again, 4th day without pills and I feel like a big pile of death. I hit bottom this time when my wife came home yesterday and found me in pretty bad shape because I had taken a bunch of Ambien to try to sleep my way through the w/d, and SPUPIDLY combined that with some vodka and was stumbling around the house utterly lost.....

Man, I am sooooo messed up.......

Just white-knuckling it today....getting through one, single day.....

The good thing is I definitely shut off my supply. She won't give me more now that she knows I was using them myself, so I have some hope of getting clean again.....

Until I post again, I'll be reading all of your posts.....just know that you're not alone.....this thing can be beaten.....

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by Junkie781

I forget who posted this above, but it really hit home for me. If you go back about 50 or so pages in this thread you'll read all about me getting clean.

Oh, did I mention that I'm a former heroin addict and I spent from 1983 until 1998 in prison because of crimes I committed to get my fix?

Yeah, you'd think someone with a history like that I would know better than to mess with opiates....but it just goes to prove that addition is cunning, baffling and powerful....

The good thing is I definitely shut off my supply. She won't give me more now that she knows I was using them myself, so I have some hope of getting clean again.....

Until I post again, I'll be reading all of your posts.....just know that you're not alone.....this thing can be beaten.....

Junkie, that was me who said I've seen many get 2-3 months clean and then just disappear. I hate to see it, but I almost expect it. I see it on these blogs and I see it in meetings. Only the most vigilent make it. Those who think they have this thing conquered are usually about ready for a relapse. I'm not being negative - just calling it like I see it. If you have ANY clean time, be aware of the disease coming back and haunting you with thoughts of using, even if that is the farthest thing from your mind right now. Junkie, I'm so glad to see you back and continuing to make an effort because THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.

Lane, try to check in every once in a while and let know how you are coming along.

Coming Home

[Junkie781]

2:35 am and I'm wide awake.....Coming Home, thanks for the reply....you were here all those months ago when I first got clean.....

Well, I got through the day, let's see what tomorrow brings....

[whatishappening2me]

Hi everyone. Sad to say, but misery does love company. Reading through all the posts its nice to know that I'm not alone. I have been addicted to hydro for about 2 years. Its gotten to the point where I would take 10-11 7.5/200 per day. Last year I realized I was addicted when I ran out of pills, thought nothing of it, and spent 3 days in bed with the worst restless legs and depression known to man. At first I didn't even realize what was happening... but soon figured it out and now freak out when I start running out of pills.

It seems that the only time I want to quit is when I'm low on pills and the withdrawal kicks in... then I preach about how its bad for me, its ruining my life, blah blah - but if I had a bottle of pills I would't have a thing to say. However, recently I've noticed that the pills aren't really doing much for me except making me irratable and sweaty. I do suffer from chronic back pain, but would take the pills even if I was experiencing zero pain that day. Sound familiar to anyone else?

I had three prescriptions going, and last month I tried to cancel all three when I really got to the point of total disgust with myself. Two cancelled without a problem, but the third told me that my order had already been processed and they were on the way. I got them thinking I would taper myself off of them and quit that way. Ten days later and 100 pills are gone and I'm in withdrawal again and ready to quit, again. I read on here about people needing the pills in order to deal with their lives, and I agree that's how I feel day to day. I try to remember back to before I took the pills and wish I'd never started. I ordered my first bottle when my back was messed up and I was reading online how I "didn't deserve to live my life in pain". It's like trading one bad thing for another.

I do take kratom, which has helped with withdrawal... but the mental funk is still there. I can't afford rehab, everyone in my town knows who goes to AA meetings because they have big mouths... so thats not an option. I'm in my third day of no pills, and holding on with kratom.. but it doesn't taste good and is such a hastle to take.

ANYWAY... here I am.. wishing this whole thing was over and I could live my life without worrying about this stuff. This is my first post... wish me luck and give me any advice!

[Junkie781]

Good to hear from someone! My advice is to hang on for another day if you can, you're just about at the peak of the withdrawal now....I'm on my 5th day kicking a HUGE Oxycontin habit cold turkey and compared to yesterday, today is like a million times better.......I've done this before and I know that after like 10 days I'll be wondering why I was ever even taking the pills in the first place, but I also know that I'll ALWAYS have this problem and the only solution for me is complete abstinence from opiates....

Difference between you and I though, is I do not have any type of chronic pain problem, I'm just a junk-ball.....

Well, anyway, I thought I would post to let you know you're not alone.....

Hang in there.....

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by Junkie781

Good to hear from someone! My advice is to hang on for another day if you can, you're just about at the peak of the withdrawal now....I'm on my 5th day kicking a HUGE Oxycontin habit cold turkey and compared to yesterday, today is like a million times better.......I've done this before and I know that after like 10 days I'll be wondering why I was ever even taking the pills in the first place, but I also know that I'll ALWAYS have this problem and the only solution for me is complete abstinence from opiates....

Difference between you and I though, is I do not have any type of chronic pain problem, I'm just a junk-ball.....

Well, anyway, I thought I would post to let you know you're not alone.....

Hang in there.....

Junkie, I hope it is going well. Keep at it - never give up.

Coming Home

[outdrlvr]

whatishappening2me...

I totally identify with what you're saying.
Im really sick of my addiction/dependency (whatever you wanna call it, the withdrawal is the same). The pills used to give me that superhuman feeling, and I could accomplish so much, and be nice to my worst enemy!
These days I find myself driving people away, and I can't even be nice to myself. I've been in tears much of today (it's day 1, it'll get better from here on out.. ), feeling sorry for myself wondering how on earth I got to this point. Well I know, and I make excuses, pain, then wanting to escape sadness (grieving the loss of my hubby) and these days Id make just about any excuse to take them.
About two weeks back I knew I had to taper down, and I did somewhat, but yesterday decided I was just prolonging the pain of withdrawal and took my last three pills (dilaudids, they are morphine but I dont know what the equivalent is). I am glad they are gone, but I can't wait for this feeling of despair to go too.
The physical withdrawal so far isn't bad. Taking l-tyrosene, B12, and other vitamins that help with the restless leg syndrome, and I have melatonin which will help me sleep.
I also started St Johns wort, see if that'll help with the despair Im feeling today.
I dont want more prescriptions, Ive tried benzos only to find I like them too much because they make me feel numb...
I know there are many who have been in my shoes, and a few responded to a thread I started earlier.
yes misery loves company. I was here on this site last year, proud of myself, until I could go get another script... then I had nothing to say for I was so ashamed. First managing, keeping the dose low enough, course it got out of control again about two months back. I got the lecture from my doc on my last prescription, which has already run out.
Im terrified of going back to them.
Im already a nicer, more patient person today, and I know Im not the nasty intolerant person that Ive seen over the last couple years.
I wish you strength, and the same for anyone else who has gone through this. As for those just beginning, I hope they get to read this misery before they reach it themselves. There is no fooling oneself, anyone, even those who say they dont have "addictive personalities" can become addicted.
Lets face it, to begin with they make you feel fantastic.

[Junkie781]

It DOES get better, sometimes we just need to hear that. Hope everyone's doing OK. I'm two weeks opiate free today and feeling pretty decent..finally starting to sleep somewhat normally again - for me that means about 5 hours a night.....

[Mike VG]

I am glad to hear that man. Looks like you're keepin it all to together, and that's real cool, Barry. I'll be back on this board later, I was just lookin to see if you were on it anywhere. Take care, and keeep it up man. Hehehe.
Mike VG

[Junkie781]

Thanks Mike! Day 15 and I'm doing pretty good!

[Mike VG]

Best news I've heard all day.
Mike VG

[Tammin]

This is for Doggy.
methadone is used here for people addicted to heroin, it is used for Heroin 'withdrawal' but really methadone is just as addictive as Heroin, it is just swapping an illegal drug with a legal one. The idea is to reduce the dose of methadone until the addict is off it completely but I think it is widely accepted that it has extemely limited success, if any.

Drugs such as Rohypnol and Serapax, Valium that kind of thing should be used instead of another opiate to get off opiates.

[diggnrichmond]

Originally Posted by Musicman1969

I'm new but thrilled to have discovered this site's messageboard !! I used to only use it to see what a certain pill looked liked and its effects etc.

I have been fighting opiate addiction since 05, pretty much anything I could get my hands on but OxyContin is/was my drug of choice simply based on availablility and cost. Although it starts out as a fun thing, it has turned me into a slave and I've NEVER been addicted to anything else besides this ever.

I fell down some stairs in Aug 04 and REALLY wrenched my back, I received Morphine for the month I was couch-bound and discovered a side-effect of opiates that made me instantly LOVE them. It prolonged my ability to last longer during sex. Ever since I discovered orgasm's, I always rushed masterbation, (I'm pretty sure this is one of the main reasons I normally can't last more than 1 to 2 minutes max during intercourse. This has always caused me much stress in my life and caused many break-ups in relationships....I would always drink alcohol, even though I disliked it, when starting out in relationships, so I would last longer...Obviously that was not the greatest idea for so many reasons but then low and behold I discovered that a pill that also made you feel euphoric also prolonged orgasms.

Ok enough about that, I had to give you this information because I wonder if that is a common reason for men to abuse opiates or any drug for that matter ? Bottomline is I really never thought I could get addicted to anything and went away for a 4 day trip at the end of cycle of abuse with OC 80ml, that made me feel like death !! All the symptons described on this board for the very first time. The way I describe it now is that even someone touching your hair hurts....Everything is so sensitive and the sleeplessness is unbearable. I have finally come to grips with the problem, realize I need medical help, (not rehab, as I trully don't think I will need it and cannot risk anyone knowing about my addiction). I need medical help that allows me to get though the 7 to 10 days of agony and I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN !!

I'm Male 37 and live in Vancouver BC, Canada. Any advice and stories are helpful, I have decided to go see a DR and see what they can do for me, any advice as to what I should be requesting besides Valium would be much appreciated.....Thanks and wish me luck !!

Suboxone is your answer

[patmamma]

Hi everyone!
I have been a member for way too long to be in this boat again!!!!!!
I am a mountain bike racer, and this year has been a tough one for me. It started in May by breaking my hand (bone shifting and breaking off) in two places in a race. After a long sober time, I had to take pills again. I thought I was in controll, but then I got injured two more times! I popped a ligament in my foot, (the pop was out loud), and I also cracked a rib taking a jump that my shock on my bike couldnt handle.

So, yes, pills f#$#$ suck! It is hard when you HAVE to take them for injury.....Now, for those of you who dont already know my long, tedious story, I donated a kidney and cant take ibuprofen or asprin, so its Tylenol or nothing. (or pills) I always seem to choose the percocet 5's. Now, granted, I only took about 1/2 to up to 3 in a really bad time, but I still am taking them. My husband doesnt know I am back to withdrawl, because he thinks I have been out of them for a while.

I feel so bad today. It is day one.
I cant wait to get better, I am so ashamed to be here again! I am truly sorry if I let anyone down.
I am trying to get my arse to work right now, and I cant seem to motivate.
Patmamma

[outdrlvr]

Patmamma..

Im on Day 5 opiate free. I found Day 1 was the worst for feeling down on myself, lonely, depressed, in despair.

I can identify with your pain, and your shame. Man Im so ashamed, for last year I cleaned up, but that didn't last long, before I convinced myself I "needed" that prescription for chronic pain.
And I disappeared from this site.

Now Ive realised I want to feel good again, have a clear, alert mind. And get physically strong again to do all the outdoorsy stuff I love so much. I was 'sorta' managing while on the painkillers, but they slowly eat away at your will to do anything...

Don't beat yourself up over this.
I'll be here if you need someone to talk to. I was most grateful to have someone respond to me, and reinforce the fact that it DOES get better. You know that!!!

[diggnrichmond]

I feel for you girl hang in there and my prayers are with ya.

[diggnrichmond]

mpvt I have gone from 24mg to 4mg of sub in 4 months. As I remember you are one of the original members that supported me in detox last Christmas/New years when I got off the street and into the sub clinic for my huge 7 year pill addiction. I want you to know that I am going to kick the sub within the next four weeks and I will then be completely free in less than a year.

God bless ya and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!