[binda]

1b1071
Thanks for the boost. They are actually 40's and I chose to take 2 at a time. The problem that i see for myself is going to be mental angiush more than physical pain, this has been my life for so many years. Having a family and full time job, being in physical therapy because of a car wreck are all reasons that I feel a clinic is not for me, the other part enters my mind also. I didn't realize that the subutex had a naroctic in it. Will it take the place of the oxy's?. Once I get on this stuff I don't intend to try and take any pain meds. I woke up all night worried to death about this. Thanks again

[lyds]

Originally Posted by lb1071

Binda, you are starting to sound VERY DERPRESSED. Quit getting down on yourself. It's ANCIENT THINKING by believing you're a failure cause you have a drug problem. IT is A DIESEASE, hands down. The most prominant doctors in the entire world proclaim drug addiction as a diesease.
Coming Home agrees with me here, so it's 2 to 1, lol, you have to go with us!

You are not pathetic my dear. Continuing an addiction without regard for yourself or anyone else OR NOT ATTEMPTING to regulate or control your usage after negative circumstances have developed IS PATHETIC.--

YOU ARE NOT!!!

When you see the addiction doctor, make sure that you tell them that you INSIST upon being on Suboxone or Methadone. The Sub. may just work. I was having doubts about it, but if your use is 3 x 80mg./day for one week out of 4 in a month, then you use 15mg. Roxicodone for the rest of the 3 weeks, I think the Sub. will work. I was thinking more like you were doing the 80's EVERYDAY!!!! (have you ever seen a 160mg?)

IF worst comes to worst, why can you not go to a Methadone clinic? Are you worried about people finding out? Most major cities have multiple sites. The only problem is is that you have to go everyday, every morning to get your dose. They don't give you take-home privledges until 6 months or a year or something like that. That's where I'm kinda lucky--I get 200 wafers in one shot each month.

B.Yost--There are a lot of programs in the medical community aimed at people without insurance or ********************py coverage. Congrats on finding such a good deal for your concerns! With a little effort, it's amazing what deals you can find. Sometimes it takes a letter to the head of the departments that you are dealing with. IT can be DONE!!!!

ALSO: I have forgotten to mention this in my earlier posts, but there is a "supplement", or "herb" known as KRATOM. It is a tree/bush that is grown in the far east, mostly Thailand. It has a chemical in it, I cannot remember the name right now, mitryganine or something like that, that attaches itself to opiate MU receptors in the human body. MU receptors are the same ones that are associated with pleasure and the site where Endorphins lock onto.
ANYWAY, Thailand has outlawed this plant, but it can be purchase from many ethnobotany sites on the net. It has been used in the far east for opiate withdrawal for hundreds of years. I haven't read any reports on it being used for withdrawal, but I have read individual experiences about it's effects and apparently, it's like an "inbetween" effect of vicodin and percocet.
I am not disclosing this INFO as a means to get HIGH, but as another tool that can be used while in the clutches of withdrawal.

Fkidd-I also had a terrible alcohol habit for YEARS. I once ended up in the hospital with a .55 BAC! That's not a brag, just an example. I have pretty much shotdown the drinking in favor of Opiates. I just go sick of the long term, physical effects of alcohol. Besides, I can function on Opiates and not get busted for intoxication or the like. Alcohol has led to me being arrested about 11 times. I have never been arrested SOBER.
We can talk more about it later if you like.

WELL, sorry about the length of this post, I'll try to keep it shorter in the future.
COMING HOME AND LYDS: Where's my lyrics?

Peace, Lane

If your "lengthy" (your word, not mine) posts are going to continue to be chock full of this type of reality and encouragement, please don't keep it shorter in the future!!!! You have hit upon so many important points in this post.

Have a great day all!

Oh!!: Achilles Last Stand <-------- I somehow missed where you had posted Zep lyrics!

[k8usingsuboxone]

I have been using Suboxone for 2 months now, 16mgs a day and I still feel like using. I thought this stuff was suppose to take the thoughts and cravings away. I mean Im not completly fixated on it but the only reason I dont get high is becuase my boyfriend mointors the dosage and if I were to go get high I wouldn't feel it anyways. Im beginning to get discouraged, I feel like Im doomed. Maybe deep down Im not ready to quit but I know that if I continue using I will die. I was taking 10 - 12 30mg Roxy's at a time, sometimes multiple times a day, it got to the point where that was not working... I feel like nothing will work.

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by k8usingsuboxone

I have been using Suboxone for 2 months now, 16mgs a day and I still feel like using. I thought this stuff was suppose to take the thoughts and cravings away. I mean Im not completly fixated on it but the only reason I dont get high is becuase my boyfriend mointors the dosage and if I were to go get high I wouldn't feel it anyways. Im beginning to get discouraged, I feel like Im doomed. Maybe deep down Im not ready to quit but I know that if I continue using I will die. I was taking 10 - 12 30mg Roxy's at a time, sometimes multiple times a day, it got to the point where that was not working... I feel like nothing will work.

Hi k8, stopping using is definitely a drag. I went through outpatient treatment for alcohol a couple of years ago (and failed), but what I took from there is that you have to decide you are done and find a source of support like your boyfriend. We all have to find our bottom before we can start climbing out to successful recovery. And everyone's bottom is different. I think our bottom points are similar. I want to stop using because I know that I will only keep increasing my pill intake until I am walking the drug ghettos looking for my next fix. I finally quit alcohol by using the pills as a crutch. I could take one or two lortab 10s a day and feel great. Now I was up to 100mg of oxycontin as of last week. I can't make my pills last anymore like I used to. I used to have a backup bottle for in between scores now I am all out. I either have to stop now or give in to the fact that I am a hopeless drug addict. I have never been able to accept being a slave to a substance, otherwise I would still be drinking. I haven't had a drink in a year, but every day I miss that first drink of the day. The sensation of giving my body what it needs.

We have to be strong for ourselves. Use your support group (ie your boyfriend) and decide you are ready to stop. Our stories are all the same. When I went to outpatient treatment, AA, or the 2 hours I spent reading these posts I keep hearing the same story. Manageable usage to stronger usage to full out gotta have more and more. Decide now is the time and go minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. As addicts we need to wake up everyday and acknowledge that we are not going to use - TODAY.

Now I have to be able to follow my own advice. I can see it makes sense, but the addiction is always picking at my mind telling me I can go back. But I can't. Stick to this board and write. I feel much better on here. As I write this I feel stronger against my addiction, like each keystroke is getting me closer to another day free.

[binda]

Hi lane
I have'nt ask for 160mg, I have'nt got the 80's. I just chose to take the two 40's at one time. This is going to be a mental challenge for me. I would feel accomplishment if i could follow the directions on the bottle but I'm like a kid with candy until its gone. sad but true. When I heard how long people how been off and still craving I start thinking I can't do this. I still have my appt, the least I can do is go and try it. Thanks

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by lyds

If your "lengthy" (your word, not mine) posts are going to continue to be chock full of this type of reality and encouragement, please don't keep it shorter in the future!!!! You have hit upon so many important points in this post.

Have a great day all!

Oh!!: Achilles Last Stand <-------- I somehow missed where you had posted Zep lyrics!

I had to jump in on the Zep lyrics. This band has been relevant to me for more than 30 years.

I ain't gonna... tell you one thing that you really ought to know ooh!
She's my lover baby and I love her so and
She's the one that really makes me whirl and twirl!
And she's the kind of lover that makes me me fill the whole world and
She's the one who really makes me jump and shout, ooh!
She's the kind of girl--I know what it's all about!
Take it take it

Kind of fits with what we are all going through. By the way find a healthy addiction such as exercise, we always replace one addiction with another. My dad has gone from alcohol to **************************************** to now shopping on HSN, definitely not productive but he has been sober for a year now.

Peace to all on this board

Tom

[lyds]

Originally Posted by FKidd

I had to jump in on the Zep lyrics. This band has been relevant to me for more than 30 years.

I ain't gonna... tell you one thing that you really ought to know ooh!
She's my lover baby and I love her so and
She's the one that really makes me whirl and twirl!
And she's the kind of lover that makes me me fill the whole world and
She's the one who really makes me jump and shout, ooh!
She's the kind of girl--I know what it's all about!
Take it take it

Kind of fits with what we are all going through. By the way find a healthy addiction such as exercise, we always replace one addiction with another. My dad has gone from alcohol to **************************************** to now shopping on HSN, definitely not productive but he has been sober for a year now.

Peace to all on this board

Tom

The Crunge!! Houses of the Holy was a definite favorite of mine!

I am with you about the exercise, Tom. I also liked the way you phrased it. Replace your pill use with a HEALTHY addiction. That's what I did! I was always one that exercised anyway, but once I saw how much better exercising made me feel while in the heat of the battle, I really threw myself into it. I had a friend tell me the other day she was convinced I was the healthiest person in the world. HA. Not even close, bud. (I am a smoker) But, I appreciated her sentiment!

Blessings to all!

[FKidd]

Man, the lethargy is horrible after you start to get through the wd. Like I said in an earlier post I have tried to stop before. This time is different though. For me it is time to stop. My dealer works with me and when I came in this morning he offered me his oxy scrip. I am still kicking myself for saying NNNOOOO, but I don't want to start the whole detox over again. These addictions keep asking you to come back in such a way that you want to say yes. I am going through wd and can't feel the benefits yet, buuuut I know that I will get through and look back and know that I won't be using anymore. When I was a teenager I always turned down drugs because I knew how I am. Silly me, I thought it's just a painpill, can't be that bad. My dealer was always there with pills when I didn't even expect it. Then when I needed them he wasn't able to hook me up for days. Partly due to my ever increasing appetite. Thong is though, once your a fiend you start to live differently. I don't want to live like a fiend anymore.......I am going to make it.

This will be easy for you fans (especially lyds).....but it fits my post.

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Tom

[ComingHome]

KASHMIR. There's no rule that it has to be hard. It just has to be good (the Zep lyrics, of course). This board is about as cool as I've ever seen it. :-)

I leave you (for now) with this... 20 points extra credit whoever can name this lyric:

"Oh it's simple, All the pain that you go through
You can turn away from fortune, fortune, Cause that's all that's left to you
It's lonely at the bottom, Man, it's dizzy at the top
But if you're standing in the middle, Ain't no way you're gonna stop "

Coming Home

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by ComingHome

KASHMIR. There's no rule that it has to be hard. It just has to be good (the Zep lyrics, of course). This board is about as cool as I've ever seen it. :-)

I leave you (for now) with this... 20 points extra credit whoever can name this lyric:

"Oh it's simple, All the pain that you go through
You can turn away from fortune, fortune, Cause that's all that's left to you
It's lonely at the bottom, Man, it's dizzy at the top
But if you're standing in the middle, Ain't no way you're gonna stop "

Coming Home

In The Evening

And if there is ever any doubt how they were the best ever. Don't believe the rubbish about them selling their souls to the devil. They were the best because the guys playing the music just plain rocked, the lyrics were excellent (in another time period Robert Plant would have been one great poet), and the number one thing that made them great......it was all about the fans. That was their driving focus.

But I digress, this isn't a Zep forum although each qouted lyric really seems to hit me hard. I am starting to feel a little bit better, but I always feel my worst at night. I can't sit still for the creepy-crawlys. I took someone elses suggestion and bought potassium pills to help. But after trying it only once last night it didn't work. Any suggestions? I think I am close to breaking through.........but I am starting to really think hard about taking my dealer up on his offer of 60 oxy 40's. The scrip will be available Friday and I am afraid to be who I used to be. I don't remember ever really being happy unless I am stoned.

Please all. Write with your thoughts and suggestions, I would appreciate anything.

Tom

And I see them in the streets
And I see them in the field
And I hear them shouting under my feet
And I know it's got to be real
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me, Lord
I only wanted to have some fun.

[k8usingsuboxone]

Originally Posted by FKidd

Man, the lethargy is horrible after you start to get through the wd. Like I said in an earlier post I have tried to stop before. This time is different though. For me it is time to stop. My dealer works with me and when I came in this morning he offered me his oxy scrip. I am still kicking myself for saying NNNOOOO, but I don't want to start the whole detox over again. These addictions keep asking you to come back in such a way that you want to say yes. I am going through wd and can't feel the benefits yet, buuuut I know that I will get through and look back and know that I won't be using anymore. When I was a teenager I always turned down drugs because I knew how I am. Silly me, I thought it's just a painpill, can't be that bad. My dealer was always there with pills when I didn't even expect it. Then when I needed them he wasn't able to hook me up for days. Partly due to my ever increasing appetite. Thong is though, once your a fiend you start to live differently. I don't want to live like a fiend anymore.......I am going to make it.

This will be easy for you fans (especially lyds).....but it fits my post.

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Tom

Ha ha my one of my dealers was at work to.... if you can make a job change. I know its easier said then done, but I went from a $65,000 annual to 0.00 now trying to start something from home cause I knew there was NO WAY I would stay clean at work. NEVER! Thanks for your input, you are right talking on here is like going to a meeting just no one is looking at you when you share!

[k8usingsuboxone]

Originally Posted by FKidd

In The Evening

And if there is ever any doubt how they were the best ever. Don't believe the rubbish about them selling their souls to the devil. They were the best because the guys playing the music just plain rocked, the lyrics were excellent (in another time period Robert Plant would have been one great poet), and the number one thing that made them great......it was all about the fans. That was their driving focus.

But I digress, this isn't a Zep forum although each qouted lyric really seems to hit me hard. I am starting to feel a little bit better, but I always feel my worst at night. I can't sit still for the creepy-crawlys. I took someone elses suggestion and bought potassium pills to help. But after trying it only once last night it didn't work. Any suggestions? I think I am close to breaking through.........but I am starting to really think hard about taking my dealer up on his offer of 60 oxy 40's. The scrip will be available Friday and I am afraid to be who I used to be. I don't remember ever really being happy unless I am stoned.

Please all. Write with your thoughts and suggestions, I would appreciate anything.

Tom

And I see them in the streets
And I see them in the field
And I hear them shouting under my feet
And I know it's got to be real
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me, Lord
I only wanted to have some fun.

FKIDD
?? I didnt see anywhere about you trying suboxone, have you? I mean I know I was saying that I still think about it blah blah and its not working but I believe it does. I was feeling ********************py this morning cause I have some neck pains that I have been dealing with for weeks and I just want it to go away. But I think if I was not on it I would not be writing this right now.

[lyds]

Originally Posted by FKidd

In The Evening

And if there is ever any doubt how they were the best ever. Don't believe the rubbish about them selling their souls to the devil. They were the best because the guys playing the music just plain rocked, the lyrics were excellent (in another time period Robert Plant would have been one great poet), and the number one thing that made them great......it was all about the fans. That was their driving focus.

But I digress, this isn't a Zep forum although each qouted lyric really seems to hit me hard. I am starting to feel a little bit better, but I always feel my worst at night. I can't sit still for the creepy-crawlys. I took someone elses suggestion and bought potassium pills to help. But after trying it only once last night it didn't work. Any suggestions? I think I am close to breaking through.........but I am starting to really think hard about taking my dealer up on his offer of 60 oxy 40's. The scrip will be available Friday and I am afraid to be who I used to be. I don't remember ever really being happy unless I am stoned.

Please all. Write with your thoughts and suggestions, I would appreciate anything.

Tom

And I see them in the streets
And I see them in the field
And I hear them shouting under my feet
And I know it's got to be real
Oh, Lord, deliver me
All the wrong I've done
You can deliver me, Lord
I only wanted to have some fun.

I know you can't remember being happy unless you were stoned. I felt that way, too. You WILL be happy again. In much better ways. It's sooo flipping hard getting to that point, but I CANNOT stress how much better I feel sober. Things even TASTE better, Tom. Lean on us if you can. As much as you can.

The only thing I did to help the creepy crawlies was soak in a bath as hot as I could stand it and take Benadryl to help me sleep. When I went cold turkey, I really went cold turkey.

Exercise. Drink lots of water. Exercise. Make yourself stay busy so you're mind isn't on getting high. That's all I can suggest as that's all I really did.

Take care all!

Lydia

OH:
"I know what it means to be alone, I sure do wish I was at home.
I don't care what the neighbors say, I'm gonna love you each and every day.
You can feel the beat within my heart.
Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part"

[lb1071]

Hey Lydia, that one's pretty easy. I was actually stumped at the In the Evening. Congrats to a difficult one to who posted it.
How about:

Traversed the planet when heaven sent me. I saw the kings who rule them all
Still by the firelight and purple moonlight. I hear the rested rivers call
And the wind is crying, from a love that won't grow cold
My lover, she is lying, on the dark side of the globe

THAT was my fav. song when I was 14 or so. I'm a Zep die-hard and Led Zeppelin has been my fav band for over 25 years. I've seen Jimmy Page live about 5 times and Plant 4 times. There is NOONE better! ZOSO.

Sorry I did not write much about addiction this post, I just give a congrats to all of the healthy talk I have read from the last 10 or so posts. Our board here is really growing good.

Lane

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by lb1071

Hey Lydia, that one's pretty easy. I was actually stumped at the In the Evening. Congrats to a difficult one to who posted it.
How about:

Traversed the planet when heaven sent me. I saw the kings who rule them all
Still by the firelight and purple moonlight. I hear the rested rivers call
And the wind is crying, from a love that won't grow cold
My lover, she is lying, on the dark side of the globe

THAT was my fav. song when I was 14 or so. I'm a Zep die-hard and Led Zeppelin has been my fav band for over 25 years. I've seen Jimmy Page live about 5 times and Plant 4 times. There is NOONE better! ZOSO.

Sorry I did not write much about addiction this post, I just give a congrats to all of the healthy talk I have read from the last 10 or so posts. Our board here is really growing good.

Lane

With Zep, my favorite song is something I can't single it down to one. When I had a drum set I would crank up the stereo and play along to The Rover (best I could), you can hit the drums hard but you still can't match the skill and force of Bonham.

I am failing at my cold turkey. I am ok with the wd until I try to rest and then I get those creepy crawlys really bad. But the worst part for me is my nervous tension. I have had it all my life and it goes away when I am on the pills. The alcohol worked for a lot of years but I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am still very happy to be off alcohol even though I still vividly remember the happiness and warmth in my whole being with the first drink of the day. I tried pills about 4 years ago and felt so great on them that I stopped taking them immediately and just stuck with drinking.

For the last week since I have tried to ween myself off of the pills I felt like I used to and hated it. Even when I was able to put the physical discomfort aside I hated the mental discomfort. Nothing has ever made me feel as good as the pills. And I am talking about feeling like I am alive. My motto used to be that I would rather die a young happy death pickled then to try and do life sober. I just can't make it. If I am ever to get clean I am going to have to do inpatient treatment and that is a hard decision to put past just going back on the pills.

This forum is great, but I don't want to be a negative influence. I can talk the talk but I can't walk the walk.

I was a young man, I couldn't resist
Started thinkin' it all over, just what I had missed.
Got me a girl and I kissed her and then and then...
Whoops, oh Lordy, well I did it again.

[lb1071]

I don't know. Like I said before, I will most likely be a lifer on Methadone, but I don't really mind. I have pretty much stableized on it. I just picked up 40 xanax because I am going to cut back on my Methadone for the next week or so.
I totally understand what you mean by not feeling right without a buzz. I have nervous tension that stems from bipolar disorder and having a buzz helps me to become more socialable, otherwise I just sit by myself. I am kinda going against this forum ina way, but it is the way I have chosen. I have tried cold turkey in the past, for as long as 6 months, and I was utterly miserable. I don't get f**ked up anymore, but I DO maintain a CONSTANT blood level. My beliefs are that people like us have a natural LOW endorphin level and that is why we crave opiates so heavily. I will SWEAR by Methadone forever. Cold turkey just aint enough for me...I'm a lifer.
I don't mean for this to discourage anyone at all, it is just my own personal way and it happens to be a little different than traditional sobriety, but I can DEAL with that. I AM functioning in life rightnow!!!!

The drinking is another story, I cannot drink whatsoever anymore. 25 years of hard indulgence was alittle too much. I have had about 15 drinks in the last 2 years. Before that, it was minimum 15 drinks per day.

How many More times was the last lyric.

Here:

Do you remember mama, when I knocked upon your door?
I said you had the nerve to tell me you didn't want me no more, yeah
I open my front door, hear my back door slam,
You must have one of them new fangled back door man.

I've been working from seven, seven, seven, to eleven every night, It kinda makes my life a drag...

Lane

[mpvt]

High Ib1071: I was just reading your post and wanted to tell you that I too am likely a lifer on methadone as without it I'm a total pig with opiates.
I was concerned for you though because of the xanax!!!Benzodiazepines and methadone don't do well together and if you get to much of one or too much of both then your respitort can shut down and it's game over.Even people who have been prescribed xanax or klonopin or valium ect for years can end up dead when taking it with methadone.So be very careful,ok!!.....Dave

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by lb1071

I don't know. Like I said before, I will most likely be a lifer on Methadone, but I don't really mind. I have pretty much stableized on it. I just picked up 40 xanax because I am going to cut back on my Methadone for the next week or so.
I totally understand what you mean by not feeling right without a buzz. I have nervous tension that stems from bipolar disorder and having a buzz helps me to become more socialable, otherwise I just sit by myself. I am kinda going against this forum ina way, but it is the way I have chosen. I have tried cold turkey in the past, for as long as 6 months, and I was utterly miserable. I don't get f**ked up anymore, but I DO maintain a CONSTANT blood level. My beliefs are that people like us have a natural LOW endorphin level and that is why we crave opiates so heavily. I will SWEAR by Methadone forever. Cold turkey just aint enough for me...I'm a lifer.
I don't mean for this to discourage anyone at all, it is just my own personal way and it happens to be a little different than traditional sobriety, but I can DEAL with that. I AM functioning in life rightnow!!!!

The drinking is another story, I cannot drink whatsoever anymore. 25 years of hard indulgence was alittle too much. I have had about 15 drinks in the last 2 years. Before that, it was minimum 15 drinks per day.

How many More times was the last lyric.

Here:

Do you remember mama, when I knocked upon your door?
I said you had the nerve to tell me you didn't want me no more, yeah
I open my front door, hear my back door slam,
You must have one of them new fangled back door man.

I've been working from seven, seven, seven, to eleven every night, It kinda makes my life a drag...

Lane

Hi Lane,

It seems that we are very much alike. I went into an outpatient rehab 2 years ago for my drinking. There were dopers and us alcoholics in the group. The dopers had it so rough trying to kick the pills and what did I learn from that. Well look at me now....a recovering alcoholic doper. I didn't make it 2 weeks in rehab without sneaking drinks and now on the pills I have gone for a full year and I miss being drunk but I don't miss all the negatives (headaches, drymouth, the vomiting at the point of alcohol poisoning).

Anyway my point is that in rehab I thought I would be put on some sort of prescription to feel better. I wasn't given anything. The group counselor said the only way was abstinence. Then the director of the facility came in one night a gave a talk about the receptors and how we are born deficient in endorphin receptors and the substance fills that in. Once again the solution was abstinence. When I asked point blank, how can I get something to repair my receptors, I was told through AA I would learn how to live like I am. BULL********************. One month into the program I blew up at another person in the group for constantly interrupting me, walked out of the building and went to the bar. I felt so good, until the next morning. And like I said I drank until I started taking the pills. Now the only time I feel like ******************** is when I try to quit.

Of course the withdrawal is bad enough, but I can't go back to how I felt before without a crutch. Nervous tension, panic attacks, outbursts of anger, absolutely no interest in daily activities. I have always wanted to die young since I was a little kid so it will be over. Once when I was 10 I told my mom I wished I was dead. To teach me a lesson she picked up the phone and ordered my death. I kinda freaked out.

I really feel like there is no solution for me, but to use. I started back again. I don't feel buzzed at all, I just feel like a normal functioning person. How come we can be on Xanax, lexapro, or paxil for example, but pain pills are supposed to be so bad? I have never felt better in life since being on them.

Wow, what a chatter box I am. This forum is such a great outlet. I feel like I have a better chance of finding harmony here than in any counseling.

Thanks for listening,
Tom

Poor Tom, Seventh Son, Always knew what's goin on
Ain't a thing that you can hide from Tom
There ain't nothing that you can hide from Tom

Worked for thirty years
Sharing hopes and fears
Dreamin' of the day
He could turn and say

Poor Tom, work's done, been lazin' out in the noonday sun

[mslibo]

the one thing that scares me, it is taking me more and more pills just to feel normal. i dont even think of the high anymore, i just think about trying to take enough to feel normal

Originally Posted by FKidd

Hi Lane,

It seems that we are very much alike. I went into an outpatient rehab 2 years ago for my drinking. There were dopers and us alcoholics in the group. The dopers had it so rough trying to kick the pills and what did I learn from that. Well look at me now....a recovering alcoholic doper. I didn't make it 2 weeks in rehab without sneaking drinks and now on the pills I have gone for a full year and I miss being drunk but I don't miss all the negatives (headaches, drymouth, the vomiting at the point of alcohol poisoning).

Anyway my point is that in rehab I thought I would be put on some sort of prescription to feel better. I wasn't given anything. The group counselor said the only way was abstinence. Then the director of the facility came in one night a gave a talk about the receptors and how we are born deficient in endorphin receptors and the substance fills that in. Once again the solution was abstinence. When I asked point blank, how can I get something to repair my receptors, I was told through AA I would learn how to live like I am. BULL********************. One month into the program I blew up at another person in the group for constantly interrupting me, walked out of the building and went to the bar. I felt so good, until the next morning. And like I said I drank until I started taking the pills. Now the only time I feel like ******************** is when I try to quit.

Of course the withdrawal is bad enough, but I can't go back to how I felt before without a crutch. Nervous tension, panic attacks, outbursts of anger, absolutely no interest in daily activities. I have always wanted to die young since I was a little kid so it will be over. Once when I was 10 I told my mom I wished I was dead. To teach me a lesson she picked up the phone and ordered my death. I kinda freaked out.

I really feel like there is no solution for me, but to use. I started back again. I don't feel buzzed at all, I just feel like a normal functioning person. How come we can be on Xanax, lexapro, or paxil for example, but pain pills are supposed to be so bad? I have never felt better in life since being on them.

Wow, what a chatter box I am. This forum is such a great outlet. I feel like I have a better chance of finding harmony here than in any counseling.

Thanks for listening,
Tom

Poor Tom, Seventh Son, Always knew what's goin on
Ain't a thing that you can hide from Tom
There ain't nothing that you can hide from Tom

Worked for thirty years
Sharing hopes and fears
Dreamin' of the day
He could turn and say

Poor Tom, work's done, been lazin' out in the noonday sun

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by FKidd

Hi Lane,


Poor Tom, Seventh Son, Always knew what's goin on
Ain't a thing that you can hide from Tom
There ain't nothing that you can hide from Tom

Worked for thirty years
Sharing hopes and fears
Dreamin' of the day
He could turn and say

Poor Tom, work's done, been lazin' out in the noonday sun

Easy one: "Poor Tom"

Who started this crazy Zep thing anyway? Oh yeah, that was me. LOL

How y'all are doing good. The weekend is here. Remain vigilant.

ComingHome

[lb1071]

Thanks a lot for your concern for me while I am doing benzo's and methadone at the same time. This aint an excuse, but I've done it several times in the past. I swear to God, sometimes I feel invincible. I take up to 500mg methadone coupled with 12 xanax and 4 somas and a Buspar the other night. I know that is being a bit excessive and I'm kinda mad at myself for doing so much-I woke up GROGGY as hell. But my usual 2 pots of coffee has seemed to alleviate that. I just picked up 20 klonopin also. Probably a bad move. But, I had my buzz, so I think I'll probably take them conservatively now-something that methadone allows me to do.

Fkidd-I once blew a .55 BAC at a recovery center that my buddy took me to to get evaluated. I have a 3/4 bottle of Black Velvet on my fridge right now. After college on Wed, I tried to make a drink but it did everything but come right back up so I said hell with that. I'll just give it to my neighbor.

I guess every once in a while i do stuff like this just to see if it gets any better and it SURE AS HELL DONT!!!!

New One:

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It ain't the first time believe me, baby
I'm standin here feeling blue
Yeah I'm blue

By the way ComingHOme, I always have my signature line say "valhalla, I am coming......" Are you sure you didnt' pick up the zep lyric thing from that?

Dave---Thanks for the info, I have read a lot of your posts. Youre knowledge seems to be on par with mine, possibly greater. I really appreciate your input

OK Guys, thanks for caring, I be back to normall soon. And most of you still didn't tell me your locations??? (only if your comfortable doing so)

PEACE,

Lane ZOSO

[mpvt]

Hey IB1071 I was just like you 6 years ago.I was on a self destruction trip that I wasn't even aware of.I just couldn't get high or satisfied and been able to for the last 17 years.I can tell you that the game you and I played is like pulling the handle down on the slot machine,one of those times it's gonna come up 3 bars and it's game over.
Taking that much benzo's with any amount of methadone can cause you to stop breathing in your sleep.I have known many hard core addicts that have died this way.So be careful,ok.......Dave

[lb1071]

Hey Dave, (you can call me Lane) thanks for the lookout. I have not been using all that many benzo's and I am aware that even a small amount can have disastrous results. THe alprazom tabs that I have are 0.25 and the clonazepam is 0.5. They are the weakest of each you can get and I'm being especially careful. I just want to cut back on my Methadone. Some morinings I take 10 or 12 wafers. That is just TOO DAMN MUCH. Today and yesterday I only took 4 and 3, respectively.
I am going to start 2/day for a couple of days and then 1/day for a while till the 22nd which is my next appt. I lilke cutting back for a few days every now and then to reduce my bloodlevel so I can get a little bit of a buzz occasionally. I know that is not the proper thing to say on this board and I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone. But all in all, I am prescribed 6 1/2 wafers (40mg/each) per day, total 250mg. 3a.m./3p.m., 1 for breakthru.

Are you on Methadone? I don't know if you read my earilier posts but I am thinking of asking my doc to switch me to OPANA cause the Methadone has pushed me up over 300 lbs. Even though I am 6'5", I still don't like being this heavy. My face has bloated out. I never had the weight problem on Oxy's or Percs or lorcets or anyother painkiller.

I was thinking Opana cause I abuse Oxy too much/fast and Morphine has a dreamy tendency to it and I have had chest pains on it before. Kind of Ironic, cause I was a Heroin junkie for a short time and never experienced any chest pains then. (You do know that Heroin is INSTANTLY converted to Morphine in the brain? RIght?)

Soooo, once again, I appreciate the 'heads up' lookout on your part. It definitely has made me reevaluate and think thru my situation.
Take care all.

Lane.

ps by the way.......

She said we couldn't do no wrong
No other love could be so strong
She locked up my heart in her bottom drawer
Now she took my heart she took my keys
From in my old blue dungarees
And I'll never go to Texas anymore

Anyone? Noner caught my last llyric either?!?!?

Lane

[FKidd]

Originally Posted by lb1071

Hey Dave, (you can call me Lane) thanks for the lookout. I have not been using all that many benzo's and I am aware that even a small amount can have disastrous results. THe alprazom tabs that I have are 0.25 and the clonazepam is 0.5. They are the weakest of each you can get and I'm being especially careful. I just want to cut back on my Methadone. Some morinings I take 10 or 12 wafers. That is just TOO DAMN MUCH. Today and yesterday I only took 4 and 3, respectively.
I am going to start 2/day for a couple of days and then 1/day for a while till the 22nd which is my next appt. I lilke cutting back for a few days every now and then to reduce my bloodlevel so I can get a little bit of a buzz occasionally. I know that is not the proper thing to say on this board and I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone. But all in all, I am prescribed 6 1/2 wafers (40mg/each) per day, total 250mg. 3a.m./3p.m., 1 for breakthru.

Are you on Methadone? I don't know if you read my earilier posts but I am thinking of asking my doc to switch me to OPANA cause the Methadone has pushed me up over 300 lbs. Even though I am 6'5", I still don't like being this heavy. My face has bloated out. I never had the weight problem on Oxy's or Percs or lorcets or anyother painkiller.

I was thinking Opana cause I abuse Oxy too much/fast and Morphine has a dreamy tendency to it and I have had chest pains on it before. Kind of Ironic, cause I was a Heroin junkie for a short time and never experienced any chest pains then. (You do know that Heroin is INSTANTLY converted to Morphine in the brain? RIght?)

Soooo, once again, I appreciate the 'heads up' lookout on your part. It definitely has made me reevaluate and think thru my situation.
Take care all.

Lane.

ps by the way.......

She said we couldn't do no wrong
No other love could be so strong
She locked up my heart in her bottom drawer
Now she took my heart she took my keys
From in my old blue dungarees
And I'll never go to Texas anymore

Anyone? Noner caught my last llyric either?!?!?

Lane

First one is "Fool in the rain"

Second one is "Hotdog"

Lane, I know this is one of the tricks of our addictions but we come up with different rituals to maintain our control. It is a tough ride for sure but it is still better than sobriety. I wish I could be sober and feel right, I just can't. I absolutely remember as far back as I can, like 5 years old in kindergarten, having nerve problems and panic attacks. In the 3rd grade I was so nervous about school I just laid in bed and cried. Nobody knew anything about what I was going through, it was just me. My sister is the same way as I am. I know that my father was a bad alcoholic while my sister and I were conceived. I truly believe we were born addicts with bad receptors. So now what? We just do our best. I am very successful in my field of work and everyone that knows me thinks I am this very outgoing and likable person. Inside I am full of deceit and blackness. I am 41 now and just look forward to when the ride is over. There will be peace in the end.

Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, honey
We've been shakin' all night
Oh, darlin', we just got to roll right
Ooh, my head... rock on.

[mpvt]

Hi Lane,glad to hear your giving some thoughts on some things.
I have been on methadone now for 5+ years.I was at 400mgs\day for the first 3 years and have slowly come down to 240mgs\day in the last 2+ years.My plan is to get down to 200mgs and stay there.I was actively addicted for 23 years before getting on methadone and I intend to be on some sort of ORT (Opiate Replacement Therapy) for the rest of my life as I'm just to out of control without it.
Are you on the methadone for chronic pain????
I have had 4 failed lumbar spine operations which was one of the reasons I was taking so much opiates.I still have pain and always will which is another reason why I'll be on methadone till i die.
Anyway good to hear your ok and Yes I think the Opana might one to look at.Remember that methadone is quite powerful especially at the high doses we take.So your tolerance is going to be huge so oxycontin or hydrocodone are going to be weay to weak Oxymorphone may be the way to go or even a pain pump???.....Dave

[lb1071]

Dave, I take Methadone for chronic pain. However, And I'm sure my doc knows it, I also use it for addiction.
I have only had one operation and I will not go through another. That was the most horrible pain I've ever endured. The hospital would not give me what I needed.
Can't talk long, ,will fill you in more later

lane

[ComingHome]

Originally Posted by lb1071

By the way ComingHOme, I always have my signature line say "valhalla, I am coming......" Are you sure you didnt' pick up the zep lyric thing from that?

PEACE,

Lane ZOSO

Hey Lane, nope. Didn't even know what valhalla was - I had to google it. LOL Who would imagine that we would have so many hard core zep fans on this forum. What does that say? :-)

Anyway, I can't really relate since I never took a maintenance drug, but it certainly sounds like a better alternative than regular opiates where getting completely clean isn't happening. If I took that route, I would probably go to meetings anyways since meetings always seem to uplift my spirit.

I leave you with this:

"Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time
his is the force that lies within
Ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find
He is a feather in the wind "

Coming Home

[Sammy22]

Hi everyone. I have only posted a couple of times on here, but I have read a lot and your posts have really hit home. Some of what I have read on here are just unbelievable stories and I am amazed at how strong many of you are. It has really helped me to read about people who are going through the same thing as me. I know I shouldn't compare, but I just feel that my addiction to pain killers (vicodin) is mush less than most on here. Still though, addiction is addiction and quitting is HARD. I have been taking 7.5 & 10mgs vicodin for about 7 months. I have always suffered from drug problems, but always managed to stop for a year or two.
Anyway, I will say this is a TOUGH one. I am a business owner and have finally managed to take a week off. My plan is to detox on my own. My average amount is about 7 a day (sometimes more, sometimes less). I went a little overboard yesterday because I figured I am stopping tomorrow (today) so "here goes". I did take 1/2 of a 10 this morning, but hopefully that's it. I feel like I sound ridiculous because I am doing this without help, but I just cannot go into a place right now. Been there, and it's just not possible right now. I know that my physical w/d will not be horrible, but it's the mental at this point. I do have xanax (which honestly, I do not like), but I figure they will help me with the anxiety. Even if I just sleep through the days, at least I am not using.
I guess I just need to write about everything. No one in my life knows I have this problem. I will lose everything if people find out. I need to do this. I am scared.
Thanks for listening.

[lb1071]

Coming Home-that was ALL MY LOVE from IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR.
did you know Robert Plant wrote that song for his son Karak after he died.

Sammy-hang in there dude. IT will catch up with you even more than you think. You got a good thing goin by getting a handle on it while your still just using vicodin. As you move up the drug scale to the harder ones, it becomes even more difficult.

Lane

[superyed]

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