[Never_me .]

Hey Davey K ... Welcome to the living part of the forum glad you decided to chime in after listening for so long ... We are here to offer our support and help in any way we can ...Let us know the results and keep us updated... Glad to see you on board ....

I have something I wanted to share with y'all it is not drug related but it is a good read that lets us know how good we have it and how bad things can get from time to time...Something to read and add to the board...

I have a good friend who is a fire fighter ... Vic and I go back along ways we have spnt alot of crazy nights together and done alot of crazy stuff . We share friday nights together as we are both High School football junkies and travel together through the fall following our local team on friday nights. Vic keeps trying to talk me into going up and jumping out of a airplane with him as he also a skydiver... I have not ---to this day found any reason at all to jump out of perfectly good airplane ... And I'm a rather big man at 6 foot 2 and 290 lbs I feel God made me like this to stay planted on the ground...lol...Anyway a little while backl he was fighting a fire and had to go into the house to save a child ... I came across this on his my space blog and thought I would share it with y'all and post it here ..Hope no one minds...




So you want to know how I roll



See there was this one night. Everything was as normal at the fire station. You know just kicking it with the crew. As bed time rolled around it seemed just like any other night. One of those maybe we will or maybe won't have a fire call. This night when the tone dropped I could hear it in the dispatcher's voice. 911 TO FIRE DEPARTMENT WE GOT A STRUCTOR FIRE THE CALLER SAYS THERE IS SOME ONE TRAPED INSIDE NEED TO GO 1018. Copy that 911 engine 1's 1076. The feeling is one that there is no explaining. Some call it tunnel vision. I like to call it the zone. The drive there took only 2-3 mins. It seemed like an hour. Upon arrival there were flames coming from the front and back of the house. AS I was stretching out the hose. The worst sound I ever heard was a father yelling at the top of his lungs my son is in there. Looking back at the house I saw no way in there except straight through the flames. Well here is where the zone kicks in.

Its hot it hurts but I don't feel a thing am I going to find him in time, am I going to make it out of this, lord help me lord, my knees are burning I think they must be on fire, the water just turns to steam right in front of my face. I will not stop I'm in too deep,Oh my god sheetrock just fell hitting my helmet and my face piece I'm still ok I found the hall way No sign of him yet. Dear god please stop me from feeling the pain I will not stop I will not stop I will not stop. THANK YOU GOD I FOUND HIM O lord he is so small cradled in my arms I make my way to the door once out side I tell the medic PLEASE HELP PLEASE.

Well back to fighting fire. It seemed to go out without any fight. I was struggling to keep my calm I knew he was in good hands. The fire storm over and picking up the equipment when the medics returned with the bad news. I'm sorry he didn't make it.

How do I feel about that? Well Looser comes to mind.

But I will carry on and tomorrow when you see me you won't know that I feel like crying screaming punching and kicking my self in the head. But I don't see it is part of my job and I do it for you as well as for me.

Victor Hulett 3/8/07

[jenstory]

Originally Posted by tamara02

Hi All.how is everyone doing ??I have a question for anyone that has been on sub,I noticed my ankles are swollen,also alittle bit on top of my feet,has anyone esle noticed this?It may not even be the sub.I have no clue,I never had swollen ankles/feet before,Thanks,Tamm...ps babysteps,H/L,Syd/Tom/bobby/kia,anybody home,Well Have a nice day,chat w/ya later,,Tamm

tamara02- I noticed you wrote about having swelling since taking sub. I started sub and one month later, BOOM! Feet and ankles swelled up and have been like this for a month now! Are you experiencing the swelling? Let me know please!! By the way- I'm brand new to this forum! Glad to be here

jen story

[jenstory]

New to this forum. Started taking Sub. about 2 and a half months ago. One month into it I woke up with huge swollen feet and ankles. Still experiencing it and it's taking a toll on me and my recovery program. I feel depressed and helpless. Family dpc. gave me a diuretic called Lasix. No change. Sleeping with feet elevated EVERY night and drinking water a lot. Do you still have swelling? How did you deal with it? Do you know others who have had this side effect from Sub.? Thanks soooooooo much! Glad to be here finally

jen story

[tinkers1]

Hi All

Good to see some new people! But where did all the old ones go? I have been on sub for 13 months and have not had a problem with swelling but I have had a huge weight gain about 40lbs me and the wife both has anyone else had that happen?

Rob

[KyAngel44]

Well 1st off I want to say I admire all of you who is tackling this DAILY and HOURLY battle as I am doing the same.And as I have went back and re read my post I apologize for the book I have written.,..lol but My name is Susan ,I'm 44 yrs old and I am addicted to painkillers.. any will do and I have been trying to conquer this battle for so many years.. I can go back over 16 yrs ago when I first was introduced to them as I was having terrible headaches and went thru so many test I felt like a rat being used for testing. finally found out I suffer from TMJ.. and as I was going thru all of the test I wasn't in the best marriage or should I go further and say I was being verbally and physically abused and you talk about feeling like a bear that couldn't be hurt while I had a few hydro's in my system is an understatement..when I knew I was about to be beaten for the millionth time popped a few hydro's and waited cause I knew the hits were on the way.. thats how I 1st got addicted .. didn't tell the doctors about the abuse just about the constant headaches..anyways.. if I couldn't get them from a doctor there was always someone selling them.. now 16 yrs later of being clean for a few yrs at a time to weeks to months I find myself right back where I told myself YEARS ago I never wanted to be again.. not because I'm in a bad relationship, I couldn't be happier now with the perfect man for me.. so understanding so caring and loving.. but yrs of abuse of being hit and drugs wear a body down. anyways.. I do not get them from a doctor which in itself is playing with my freedom ,I try so hard to get them out of my mind, I was taking for the past 2 months until last week anywhere from 10-15 hydro's 10mg/500, TO MANY A DAY! well Last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and Friday is the worst withdrawls I have ever suffered in my life, felt like i was in a constant seizure, pain everywhere, no sleep, sweats, chills, rls,depressed bad.. well Friday I got hold of 5 and only took 4 for the day but to make a long story short from Friday at 1 pm till this morning at 7am I have only taken 13 10's/500.. that in itself was a major accomplishment for me since that was a daily dose for me.. I'm hoping now that my body isn't in such shock it will be easier to wean from them because I know cold turkey I cant handle. I know that doesn't sound good at all to even take 1 but I basically felt like I was coming out of my skin and not in the best of health to start with didn't help.. I want so badly and I am determined to beat this demon for the last time. Reading all of you alls post and seeing the daily struggles and mountains you all have conquered is the greatest accomplishment and I Praise all of you.. I want to be able to climb that mountain and make it too..I admitted to my fiancé I was addicted again..He knew I took them and how I got them as he knew about addiction from his younger years I hide nothing from him.. and he agreed but was scared to say anything to me..and he has stood behind me , helped me , laid awake with me as I cried and has never complained about the house being a mess, no supper cooked, no laundry done when i would go thru a few days at a time of withdrawls.SO... today I am going to try and go thru this again but I'm trying to have a positive outlook on this instead of Oh No i cant do this , and pray I can conquer this addiction for the final time.. I want to be clean, I want to be normal again, I want to be able to enjoy life again without being in a fog...I know I can do it.. and I WANT this more then anything right now so I finally decided I would post instead of lurking and admit to all of you that I feel like I know that I am addicted to painkillers and have support from those that know what I'm talking about when I say its a battle and demon everyday, I know admitting to others is the 1st step and I feel so much better that I finally admitted to someone other then myself that always said nah your not addicted because I am.. so I will close now and hope I haven't bored you all to death.. and again I admire all of you for conquering this daily and hourly struggle with addiction.. the same one I want to conquer..And I will! God Bless...

[lyds]

Originally Posted by KyAngel44

Well 1st off I want to say I admire all of you who is tackling this DAILY and HOURLY battle as I am doing the same.And as I have went back and re read my post I apologize for the book I have written.,..lol but My name is Susan ,I'm 44 yrs old and I am addicted to painkillers.. any will do and I have been trying to conquer this battle for so many years.. I can go back over 16 yrs ago when I first was introduced to them as I was having terrible headaches and went thru so many test I felt like a rat being used for testing. finally found out I suffer from TMJ.. and as I was going thru all of the test I wasn't in the best marriage or should I go further and say I was being verbally and physically abused and you talk about feeling like a bear that couldn't be hurt while I had a few hydro's in my system is an understatement..when I knew I was about to be beaten for the millionth time popped a few hydro's and waited cause I knew the hits were on the way.. thats how I 1st got addicted .. didn't tell the doctors about the abuse just about the constant headaches..anyways.. if I couldn't get them from a doctor there was always someone selling them.. now 16 yrs later of being clean for a few yrs at a time to weeks to months I find myself right back where I told myself YEARS ago I never wanted to be again.. not because I'm in a bad relationship, I couldn't be happier now with the perfect man for me.. so understanding so caring and loving.. but yrs of abuse of being hit and drugs wear a body down. anyways.. I do not get them from a doctor which in itself is playing with my freedom ,I try so hard to get them out of my mind, I was taking for the past 2 months until last week anywhere from 10-15 hydro's 10mg/500, TO MANY A DAY! well Last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and Friday is the worst withdrawls I have ever suffered in my life, felt like i was in a constant seizure, pain everywhere, no sleep, sweats, chills, rls,depressed bad.. well Friday I got hold of 5 and only took 4 for the day but to make a long story short from Friday at 1 pm till this morning at 7am I have only taken 13 10's/500.. that in itself was a major accomplishment for me since that was a daily dose for me.. I'm hoping now that my body isn't in such shock it will be easier to wean from them because I know cold turkey I cant handle. I know that doesn't sound good at all to even take 1 but I basically felt like I was coming out of my skin and not in the best of health to start with didn't help.. I want so badly and I am determined to beat this demon for the last time. Reading all of you alls post and seeing the daily struggles and mountains you all have conquered is the greatest accomplishment and I Praise all of you.. I want to be able to climb that mountain and make it too..I admitted to my fiancé I was addicted again..He knew I took them and how I got them as he knew about addiction from his younger years I hide nothing from him.. and he agreed but was scared to say anything to me..and he has stood behind me , helped me , laid awake with me as I cried and has never complained about the house being a mess, no supper cooked, no laundry done when i would go thru a few days at a time of withdrawls.SO... today I am going to try and go thru this again but I'm trying to have a positive outlook on this instead of Oh No i cant do this , and pray I can conquer this addiction for the final time.. I want to be clean, I want to be normal again, I want to be able to enjoy life again without being in a fog...I know I can do it.. and I WANT this more then anything right now so I finally decided I would post instead of lurking and admit to all of you that I feel like I know that I am addicted to painkillers and have support from those that know what I'm talking about when I say its a battle and demon everyday, I know admitting to others is the 1st step and I feel so much better that I finally admitted to someone other then myself that always said nah your not addicted because I am.. so I will close now and hope I haven't bored you all to death.. and again I admire all of you for conquering this daily and hourly struggle with addiction.. the same one I want to conquer..And I will! God Bless...

First of all, WAY TO GO, with the decision to admit to your addiction, face it, and now try and conquer it.

It's hard. We all know that. It's such an easy trap to fall in. Oh man, and so easy to convince yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong! I remember telling myself that it was okay for me to be taking the pills (even though I was abusing them) because they were PRESCRIBED to me. It's not like I was out scoring coke or meth on the streets. How idiotic was *that* kind of thinking?!?

I am so glad you're here. I am so glad you've got a wonderful support system in your boyfriend. So important.

Keep on posting. Let us know how you are!

Prayer and blessings!

[lyds]

Originally Posted by jenstory

New to this forum. Started taking Sub. about 2 and a half months ago. One month into it I woke up with huge swollen feet and ankles. Still experiencing it and it's taking a toll on me and my recovery program. I feel depressed and helpless. Family dpc. gave me a diuretic called Lasix. No change. Sleeping with feet elevated EVERY night and drinking water a lot. Do you still have swelling? How did you deal with it? Do you know others who have had this side effect from Sub.? Thanks soooooooo much! Glad to be here finally

jen story

Welcome, Jen. I'm glad you're finally here, too!

I have no experience with Sub, so I can't help you there. I just wanted to say hi and welcome!

[lyds]

Originally Posted by Davey K

Howdy all! My name is David and I've been peering in on this board from time to time and thought it was about time I registered.

Here's my story... after years of lower back pain, my S1 disc finally gave up last year, and I was basically bedridden for about 4 months with crippling sciatic pain. Last august I got a microdiscectomy, and I am able to work again and stand and walk and all that but the pain is still really bad. Right after the surgery, the doc said there was probably nerve damage.

Before my surgery I was taking both morphine and vicodin, and I got off the morphine pretty quickly afterwards, but the vicodin has been harder. I take right now 8 5/500s a day. I have talked with my doctor about it. After a bad relapse of crippling sciatic pain about a month ago she recently ordered another MRI and I'm waiting to hear on the results.

I've been through drug addiction before (clean 4.5 years from cocaine) and - well, I won't say that I'm scared of getting off the pills cuz I can see how they're affecting me - I'm definitely in a fog and I know that they affect me more than I realize. I'm just really scared that I'm not going to be able to take the pain, and I'm very scared that it's going to be a constant part of my life from now on until I die.

So, that's it. I'll check back again soon when I know the MRI results. I've been through this before. And I know that having support makes a big difference.

I'll be leaving town for a week on Sunday, but I'll check in when I get back.

Thanks for being here,
David

I wish I had seen this before you left on Sunday! Welcome, by the way.

Please, please let us know about the MRI.

I can't relate to the scare you are feeling about getting off the pills and then dealing with pain for the rest of your life. I started my addiction when prescribed something for pain with a tooth. Once the tooth was taken care of, I was no longer in any pain. I just simply abused because I liked the high.....I am so sorry for you because you have a legit pain issue and you need help, but you want out of the fog. God Bless you. I will pray.

Looking forward to you checking back in!

[LORDHELPME7721]

I need to start doing something about taking so many hydrocodone pills. cold turkey is out of the question though...and so is any subx treatment. I dont want that. Right now I jsut need to get a game plan. I guess I'll just need to slowly taper. Right now i'm taking 6 10mg per day. I've been a lot higher though. But for this year, 6/day has been my high point. I need to start setting small goals. I was reading your stories in particular Davey and KyAngel...for some reason felt like it was my time to start acting on my problem. I basically wasted/am wasting a whole decade (20something age) by being in the misery of pain killer addiction. Previously I was in a young love realtionship, and I was so addicted to her(in a healthy way) I loved her so much she just made me so happy!, but then I lost her to somebody else, and the pain was so bad for me that i've been using pain killers ever since. Our relationship was over by about age 24. So realistically my heart has still not healed because the pain killers wont let it heal normally. After so long I am almost humiliated that I still think about her. It is very depressing that I have wasted so much life! I'll be 30in a couple years and have been in a fog for most of my 20s. It is very very depressing. Anyway, that is my story for now. I'm right there with you guys battling stupid pills! Gosh I am so weak! :-(

Ideally I should quit the way I started.....like when we first start taking pills, if we took 6, 8 or 10 pills in a day, we'd be dead....so in the same sense, we should not just STOP taking whatever amount cold turkey. That does not make sense to me and seems like unnecesary if not dangerous or deadly. And a taper plan can only work if you are definitely certain you are done with pills, and that you are absolutely ok with never getting the high "good feeling" ever ever again. Somehow we have to get addicted to NOT taking pills and enjoying the clear-headed feeling "life" We have to get addicted to normal life! That can be a very dificult thing!. LOL i've tryed and tryed. Anyway, I'm on hour 5 right now. When I wake up tomorrow, I will absolutely have to take a few 10s usually 3 so I can start my day. Is it ok that I'm posting on here??, knowing that soon I will definitely intentionally take some? I dont want to be a weak link or a bad influence. So is it ok that I post on here even though I will continue to consume a (hopefully lower) amount.....????

[Grimm]

Originally Posted by LORDHELPME7721

I need to start doing something about taking so many hydrocodone pills. cold turkey is out of the question though...and so is any subx treatment. I dont want that. Right now I jsut need to get a game plan. I guess I'll just need to slowly taper. Right now i'm taking 6 10mg per day. I've been a lot higher though. But for this year, 6/day has been my high point. I need to start setting small goals. I was reading your stories in particular Davey and KyAngel...for some reason felt like it was my time to start acting on my problem. I basically wasted/am wasting a whole decade (20something age) by being in the misery of pain killer addiction. Previously I was in a young love realtionship, and I was so addicted to her(in a healthy way) I loved her so much she just made me so happy!, but then I lost her to somebody else, and the pain was so bad for me that i've been using pain killers ever since. Our relationship was over by about age 24. So realistically my heart has still not healed because the pain killers wont let it heal normally. After so long I am almost humiliated that I still think about her. It is very depressing that I have wasted so much life! I'll be 30in a couple years and have been in a fog for most of my 20s. It is very very depressing. Anyway, that is my story for now. I'm right there with you guys battling stupid pills! Gosh I am so weak! :-(

Ideally I should quit the way I started.....like when we first start taking pills, if we took 6, 8 or 10 pills in a day, we'd be dead....so in the same sense, we should not just STOP taking whatever amount cold turkey. That does not make sense to me and seems like unnecesary if not dangerous or deadly. And a taper plan can only work if you are definitely certain you are done with pills, and that you are absolutely ok with never getting the high "good feeling" ever ever again. Somehow we have to get addicted to NOT taking pills and enjoying the clear-headed feeling "life" We have to get addicted to normal life! That can be a very dificult thing!. LOL i've tryed and tryed. Anyway, I'm on hour 5 right now. When I wake up tomorrow, I will absolutely have to take a few 10s usually 3 so I can start my day. Is it ok that I'm posting on here??, knowing that soon I will definitely intentionally take some? I dont want to be a weak link or a bad influence. So is it ok that I post on here even though I will continue to consume a (hopefully lower) amount.....????

ive been in and out of the fog for a while, but the past 3 weeks have been my heaviest binge lately. the damned oxycontin, my daily dose was up to about 120 mg.. so im on day 3 clean right now and the chills and aches are starting to fade... The sleep problems are at an all-time worst, I cant get any shut eye at night, my legs are always tossing and turning... energy levels are still REAL low, real low.. but the sweating and cold chills are gone thank god. from here on I know it gets better every day.. for those of you who used hydro's or perc's or whatever, just know I am doing this cold turkey after using a much harder drug (pure oxy 80s) at a relatively higher dose.. so it is definately do-able.. but a big part of this involves cutting yourself off from your source.. i made my source agree not to sell me any for 1 week so I could see how I do until then, and low and behold he has been ignoring my calls just like i wanted him to.. so good luck to you all, im in the same boat..


Grimm

[LORDHELPME7721]

thanks for the reply Grimm....It was very inspiring. Especially knowing that you made it to day 3 and that you seem to think its getting a little easier. I once again did not even make it to a full day. but my total mg for the day is less then yesterday...and I feel fine. for what its worth I am going to try again tomorrow...cutting back another tiny amount. takes a lot of willpower because when the "good feeling" does not come, I have no desire to quit anymore. And I (usually) end up right back at my daily mg. Also notable is that my desire to quit is definitely a lot stronger at the end of each day...I guess that is the nature of the beast. I guess thats why they say it is nearly impossible to quit without professional help. But that is out of the question for me. I just have to keep myself in check and keep hoping that one day I will wake up with the same desire to quit that I went to bed with the previous night! In my dreams right? Hmmmm well for now this msg board gives me something to look forward to each night...I hope to read new sucess stories. bye.

[rorvan76]

dont know if some remember how i posted a lil while ago about falling in my basement..and that brought me back to ultracet..well i did ok with them,no probs except for a lil sweating and a lil restlessness..but that was it...so now i have 2 other issues going on...1 is that i have a tooth that needs root canal..i had pulled out my filling awhile back while flossing..well the pain has been off and on for some time,but at its worst since sunday..so called dentist yesterday and they did xrays and said root canal..he said he was giving me something for the pain ..only 20 pills ..he gave me ultram..which is something i had years ago for tooth pain.well to be honest,they didnt do anything..so i dont have the craving to keep taking them..but its pure hell with this pain and they dont know when they can fit me in for it,im calling them back today and beggin to have it done,i cant sleep,hurts to talk,its throbbing and just all around sux......on to the second prob..yesterday was throwing some clothes upstairs to my daughter..well i was on the 4th step,and for some reason i stepped down with my right foot(i guess in my mind i forgot i was on 4th step and thought i was on the bottom)..so i went down backwards/to the side over a few steps..luckily my left leg didnt get jammed as i fell..well i had landed against the wall,so my back hurts,as well as my right arm/wrist and also my right leg/ankle...didnt call doc or anything because its something i can deal with..he had already given me the ultracets for the last time i was hurt...so anyway,i now have ultram and ultracet in my possession..awhile back i would be so excited,but not anymore..im just gonna take ultracet as directed..probably wont take the ultram at all unless the tooth gets worse..well to me,its as bad as it gets....so anyway,i feel ok about taking them this time because im taking as directed and im not taking them to get high..and no,thats not the addict talking,i really dont care about the high..not saying it wont go that way,but for now,im doing the right thing..just hope it stays that way because i dont wanna end up where i did before.....well thats whats going on in my world,have my last day of lunch duty today woohoo!!!!!! hope everyone is doing ok,and to those who arent,will be thinking about u as well...

[Davey K]

Originally Posted by LORDHELPME7721

I need to start doing something about taking so many hydrocodone pills. cold turkey is out of the question though...and so is any subx treatment. I dont want that. Right now I jsut need to get a game plan. I guess I'll just need to slowly taper. Right now i'm taking 6 10mg per day. I've been a lot higher though. But for this year, 6/day has been my high point. I need to start setting small goals. I was reading your stories in particular Davey and KyAngel...for some reason felt like it was my time to start acting on my problem. I basically wasted/am wasting a whole decade (20something age) by being in the misery of pain killer addiction. Previously I was in a young love realtionship, and I was so addicted to her(in a healthy way) I loved her so much she just made me so happy!, but then I lost her to somebody else, and the pain was so bad for me that i've been using pain killers ever since. Our relationship was over by about age 24. So realistically my heart has still not healed because the pain killers wont let it heal normally. After so long I am almost humiliated that I still think about her. It is very depressing that I have wasted so much life! I'll be 30in a couple years and have been in a fog for most of my 20s. It is very very depressing. Anyway, that is my story for now. I'm right there with you guys battling stupid pills! Gosh I am so weak! :-(

Ideally I should quit the way I started.....like when we first start taking pills, if we took 6, 8 or 10 pills in a day, we'd be dead....so in the same sense, we should not just STOP taking whatever amount cold turkey. That does not make sense to me and seems like unnecesary if not dangerous or deadly. And a taper plan can only work if you are definitely certain you are done with pills, and that you are absolutely ok with never getting the high "good feeling" ever ever again. Somehow we have to get addicted to NOT taking pills and enjoying the clear-headed feeling "life" We have to get addicted to normal life! That can be a very dificult thing!. LOL i've tryed and tryed. Anyway, I'm on hour 5 right now. When I wake up tomorrow, I will absolutely have to take a few 10s usually 3 so I can start my day. Is it ok that I'm posting on here??, knowing that soon I will definitely intentionally take some? I dont want to be a weak link or a bad influence. So is it ok that I post on here even though I will continue to consume a (hopefully lower) amount.....????

Oh... to be 30 again! LOL! Consider yourself lucky to have caught it this early!

I can't speak for everyone else, but it's fine with me! It's always good to hear the different perspectives and different stages of quitting.

Here's my own 2 cents on the "getting addicted to life" stuff you said; sadly, real life doesn't come in 'doses' - it is random, unpredictable, capable of immense joy or immense pain, on its own timetable, of course. One of the things I love so much about drugs is that it is predictable - I know exactly what will happen when I pop those two 5's! It is a safe feeling, really. Sort of a reaction to the unpredictability of it all. When I'm scared, it's so much easier to reach for the pill bottle than do the 'real life' work of fixing my situations - which often comes with a few painful bumps along the way.

As for the cold turkey versus tapering angle, that I think is an individual thing, or, more specifically, between an individual and their doctor. My doctor is aware that I'm having issues - both with lingering pain and with dependence on meds. together we're going to work on a plan to get me off the meds while addressing my pain.

Despite that, I'm still scared! I remember how scared I was when I first went into the neighborhood clinic on December 16, 2002 and said "I have a cocaine problem and I want to quit." But that for me was really the scariest part. I wish you the best and please post anytime.

As for me, I mentioned I'm waiting for my MRI results... I got a call saying my doc wants to do a phone consultation next Monday... I think (I HOPE) that the fact that she didn't schedule a face-to-face is good news.

Sure, I worry that something might be wrong with my back... BUT WHAT IF THERE ISN'T??? That means I'll have to quit pain meds and start doing lots of exercises and I just know it's gonna HUUUUURT!

But we shall see. Thanks to everyone for their welcome and supportive comments!

Take Care,
David

[LORDHELPME7721]

THank you for the reply david...I did the same today as yesterday. So i'm still keeping tabs on my use. To be honest, I'm not that far off as I could be...I am prescribed legitimately 4 per day. So that is my goal, I need to focus on getting down to that amount. from 6 per day. It may not seem like much, but it is! I have legitimate pain, but at this point because of the fog, i'd rather just go back to having the TMJ pain, but now in order to do that I have to firsts get through withdrawals. Screw that!!!
Hmmm, somebody else said something about a root canal, well i have found that honestly the best medication to take after that is ibuprofren. i tryed norco, didnt help. i tryed ibuprofren, worked like a charm. No idea where ultram came from?? thats weird.

[Davey K]

TMJ - OUCH!

The getting back to the perscribed dose sounds like a great first step. I've been good not to go above the perscribed dose - not that I'm much below it either - occasionally I'll take 6 rather than the perscribed 8. My doc suggested I alternate my doses with ibuprofen, which, to be honest, doesn't really stop the pain like the Vic's do. Waiting for my call on Monday about the MRI results... then things will be clearer... maybe not better, but clearer.

Good luck fellow newbie! keep me posted!

david

[KyAngel44]

Well.. here is how things have been since my last post.. starting on the 4th at 7 am till the 6th at around 8 pm I was in major with drawls but thought because i had made it 60 hrs i was gonna make it BUT..I fell off the wagon and took 75 7.5s. in a 6 day period...so now as of Monday night at 10 pm i took my last one of the 75.. in the 6 day period so much happened that I used it as an excuse to take them..well its now Thursday night at 8 pm and I'm feeling worse then 24 hrs after my last one...so I guess you could say its day 3 and I'm still breathing but in major with drawls.. I know I can kick this..so I'm 70 hrs clean now.. and what a 70 hrs it has been.. why do I keep making it so long then I fall back into it.. the EVIL hold these dang pills have on ones self..and I know every time what it is going to be when I take that last pill.. this MISERY , sleepless nights.. depression BAD..leg cramps.. arm cramps.. no energy.. the bathroom has become my best friend. till I get the next batch then I THINK these pills are my best friend..but you know best friends don't make hurt like this..now to add to everything i got the nasal drip going on and the constant sneezing ( that could be also from the asthma and allergies)I keep telling myself I have to do this just 1 more day and then 1 more day then 1 more week and I will start feeling whatever normal is suppose to feel like.. its been so long to know what it feels like I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in my face..I feel so bad each time i fall back into this nasty cycle and each time I keep telling myself this is the last time.. well when is the last time ever gonna come. I'm hoping its this time.. well i just wanted to update and say I pray I can have a clean date of June 11th at 10 pm was my last pill... this cold turkey sure wears a body down.. weaning just leads me to wanting more.. so If I keep telling myself do I REALLY want to go thru all this misery and nightmare all over again just to get to 70 hrs clean then don't take that 1st one again.. good luck to the ones who is on the wagon with me hang in there It has to get better it just has to.. I know its so easy to fall(I'm the perfect example) I fall more then I walk but this time I'm gonna walk and get stronger everyday. well i hope I made sense in this post and didnt mean to write a short story..lol God Bless And GOOD LUCK to you all...

[LORDHELPME7721]

Kangel, it is as if I wrote your post myself. exactly everything you said is what I have been going through. The evil of falling back in to taking pills, the hold they have on us, sleepless, depression, EVERYTHING you said! And about failing. I betcha I am a bigger failure at quitting then you are. I have been trying daily, weekly, monthly, and now years have gone by and i'm still fighting. There is no other substance that I have a problem with, I dont even drink or smoke. Just these stupid pills and their empty promises of "feeling good" has kept me taking them. Even though I dont get much of "good" feeling anymore, and if I do it only lasts for maybe 10minutes. Yet even though I hardly get the good euphoric feeling anymore, it is nice to have my senses somewhat numbed. there doesnt really seem to be much great in life to look forward to...so why not take the edge off with pills...thats my mentality. but something inside me wants to quit. But all that waits for me is lonliness (still very single) and financial struggle. Why should I face that? In some ways the pills have been a God-send for me because I am such an HSP (highly sensitive person) it has been nice to be normalized and not get hurt so easily. Hmmmmmmm well that is just some of the things on my mind.....thx anybody for listening. c-ya!

[LORDHELPME7721]

davey, I hope everything goes ok with your mri results...what a scary thing! i hate having to wait for any type of medical results! such a cruel thing they do to us making us wait like that! Good luck!!!!

[KyAngel44]

LordHelpMe.. I have the same mentality.. if I take a pill( who can just take "A" pill). not me.. got to have 2 or 3 depending on strength and only getting about 10 minutes of feeling what us abusers THINK is normal.. or our bodies thinking that when its no where normal..now as fare as being a failure at quitting.. I'm right there with you.. every time I take my last few I think Ok this time I'm gonna do it.. and few hrs later your out trying to score more... how I know that too well.. and what we put ourselves thru to get them.. I always think after a few days of clean time ,just 10 mg wont hurt... just to get thru the day.. well then ya not clean and here ya go again 1 leads to 2 leads to 3 leads to a week of pill popping like crazy..Ive never had trouble with any other drug.. yeah I smoked meth 1 time( and yes it was just once) and it made my lips numb and i went to sleep.. I thought this ain't what I want.. didn't do anything for me.. tried smoke.. that made me to paranoid and couldn't function but in slow motion... did do crank for a while.. it was ok but I laid it down with no problem then comes along these little white, blue,green,pink pills and damn they took a hold and wow what a ride.. energy.. no pain.. clear enough head you can fool anyone that ya "just high on life" I know what ya mean about turning to them when things get out of hand.. pop a few and it all looks good.. but when ya trying to get clean nothing looks good..I have tried doing this so many times that its took a toll on this old(44) yr old body and when i don't have them in my system lord do i feel like a 90 yr old woman... the aches and pains come from everywhere cause when ya on these demon pills ya didn't hurt as bad when ya got hurt..and the depression that comes with with the with drawls oh my goodness ya ant even get along with your own shadow..dont want to talk to anyone.. lay around and cry. beg to God please just get me thru this or let me fall asleep and never wake up..have been there many many times.. well I still wake up(after a few hrs sleep) then ya think lord how am i gonna make it thru this day...but we do.. so I know i have a purpose in life and its not these pills..but to convince ya depressed mind of that is the biggest battle..so I know where your coming from as well lordhelpme.. but I'm gonna conquer this somehow someway... one day I will walk tall and hold my head up high and be CLEAN....so I wish you all the luck in the world with this and maybe we can walk this walk together and come out running... well I'm gonna go try to sleep again its only 3 am and I'm sitting here... God Bless

[BWnoel]

Originally Posted by KyAngel44

LordHelpMe.. I have the same mentality.. if I take a pill( who can just take "A" pill). not me.. got to have 2 or 3 depending on strength and only getting about 10 minutes of feeling what us abusers THINK is normal.. or our bodies thinking that when its no where normal..now as fare as being a failure at quitting.. I'm right there with you.. every time I take my last few I think Ok this time I'm gonna do it.. and few hrs later your out trying to score more... how I know that too well.. and what we put ourselves thru to get them.. I always think after a few days of clean time ,just 10 mg wont hurt... just to get thru the day.. well then ya not clean and here ya go again 1 leads to 2 leads to 3 leads to a week of pill popping like crazy..Ive never had trouble with any other drug.. yeah I smoked meth 1 time( and yes it was just once) and it made my lips numb and i went to sleep.. I thought this ain't what I want.. didn't do anything for me.. tried smoke.. that made me to paranoid and couldn't function but in slow motion... did do crank for a while.. it was ok but I laid it down with no problem then comes along these little white, blue,green,pink pills and damn they took a hold and wow what a ride.. energy.. no pain.. clear enough head you can fool anyone that ya "just high on life" I know what ya mean about turning to them when things get out of hand.. pop a few and it all looks good.. but when ya trying to get clean nothing looks good..I have tried doing this so many times that its took a toll on this old(44) yr old body and when i don't have them in my system lord do i feel like a 90 yr old woman... the aches and pains come from everywhere cause when ya on these demon pills ya didn't hurt as bad when ya got hurt..and the depression that comes with with the with drawls oh my goodness ya ant even get along with your own shadow..dont want to talk to anyone.. lay around and cry. beg to God please just get me thru this or let me fall asleep and never wake up..have been there many many times.. well I still wake up(after a few hrs sleep) then ya think lord how am i gonna make it thru this day...but we do.. so I know i have a purpose in life and its not these pills..but to convince ya depressed mind of that is the biggest battle..so I know where your coming from as well lordhelpme.. but I'm gonna conquer this somehow someway... one day I will walk tall and hold my head up high and be CLEAN....so I wish you all the luck in the world with this and maybe we can walk this walk together and come out running... well I'm gonna go try to sleep again its only 3 am and I'm sitting here... God Bless

...KyAngel44...been awhile since i posted, but i read your post, and i feel we're ridin' the same train...the ENDLESS lethargy, inability to function, how am i gonna make it through another day...been hooked on dilaudid (hydromorphone, just a step down from pure heroin) off and on for 13 years...the worst has been the last 6 years...wake up, snort a 4mg, have a latte, and the world thinks you're functioning as any clean human being should...but it causes a whole lotta problems nobody sees but you, and the one you love...i'm using the Ashton Manual as a guide to get off benzo's as well, and my wife has been helping me ease the opiate withdrawl by SLOWLY tapering benzo's to ease the opiate withdrawal...even with that, you'd think it would be less painful...its not...its 0055am, i've been trying to get some sleep for 2 and a half hours, so here i am...its not like i don't have tons of stuff to get done during the daze, its like i feel so listless, and overwhelmed...then the depression about laying around getting absolutely nothing done sets in, and the whole scene starts to fade even blacker...how did this happen to ME...good question...all i know right now is, being an almost heroin addict, is not good...and its not an easy thing to quit, even on a lenient tapering schedule...there isn't a moment in each day, that i think how just 2mg would enable me to go to the grocery store, pick up the house, take our dog out to play, all of the normal things i've been doing with pills that now are such an effort...so, i'm on the same train KyAngel44...been there, going through the ENDLESS withdrawal process, and just trying to make through another hour, to the next, to the next, to the next...until the morning comes, and you get to go through it all over again...if i can drop this, it'll be the greatest accomplishment of my life...then maybe i'll get another chance to do it right this time, clean...so, don't give up, be so hard on yourself, because there are MANY of us out there...like me...don't give up, and stay in touch on the board, especially when things get tough...so, for now i'm gonna try getting some sleep another try...

[VTX1300]

It's been a long time since I've posted on this forum.

Wanted to stop in and say hello, seems like there's been a changing of the guard. Lots of new people on the road to recovery, which is great.

For those of you wrestling with getting clean, just keep on keepin' on. Keep talking on this forum. There is magic that can happen thru this place. There was a lot of inspirational people who helped me get into recovery here. It's all about helping each other out. We keep what we have, by giving it away.

I'm one of the success stories of this forum, and I owe it to my Maker and the good people here.
I hope that this post might give one person the courage to pull the trigger into the world of clean. It is possible, and it is obtainable, and YOU can do it.

I've been clean for almost 1 1/2years now. I still have thoughts of using, but TRUST me it gets easier and less frequent.

I'm currently getting ready to kick my other addictions, nicotine.

Just wanted to let you all know that I still pray every day for each and everyone of you out there.

Take a minute tonight to say a prayer with me for the addict who will use tonight, and for the addict who will use for the last time tonight.

Blessings,
X

[gin1117]

Hi...I have been taking hydrocodone for a littlle over a year now. It all started with a pain in my side. I am going through a seperation right now, which is extremely hard, b/c of my addiction. It has been 2 days since I last took a pill. I am very depressed with my fiance leaving, which is making this even harder. He is the only one that I have told about my addiction, & he is not here for me. I have no one to talk too or help me with these withdrawls. I don't have any appetite, very much on edge, and diarrhea. I am doing this cold turkey, so if anyone has advice I would greatly appreciate it, thankyou!!!

[VTX1300]

GIN,

You're doing fine. Remember to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes this is gonna mean to take it one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, or even 1 second at a time, but throughout it all remember that, "I WILL NOT USE, NO MATTER WHAT."

I know when I was in my early recovery someone mentioned to me to time your day on when you can sleep next. I use to wake up and say, "well, 8 1/2 hours till I can sleep again." And keep counting your day down like this. I didn't have to do this for long, maybe a week or two.

Another thing to keep in mind is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS, YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST OR THE ONLY PERSON TO HAVE AN ADDICTION. You will see this by all the people on this board.

I strongly suggest going to NA meetings. Very good people there. This in conjuction with this board, and most importantly a strong faith in The Almighty is what has gotten me clean and help keep me clean.

Just keep taking it one day at a time. You're on the right path, just keep on keepin' on.

Blessings,
X

[dublinjoe]

I haven't posted in a while but have been staying in touch by reading all the new posts from those of you trying to get off the meds one more time. I've been clean now since early January but much as I hate to admit it I STILL want to get high one more time. I have a scrip for 90 my wfe has been holding for me and just yesterday I asked her for it but she turned me down. Bollox! Today, so far, I'm glad she did. I have forgotten what it's like to go through withdrawal, and that's why your posts are so helpful, cause you describe the reality I have chosen to forget; the constant fog, craving more, sleeplessness, anxiety, etc. etc. etc. Why am I so ********* stupid? I've made it this far and I want to go back to the prison I was in for so long? Idiot.
I salute each of you just starting the journey. It takes a lot of courage and faith. I know you will make it. I'm just not so sure about me.

[Davey K]

Howdy all,

I guess we're part of a wave of newbies, eh? Guess that's a good thing! Hope everyone is hanging in there.

Things aren't going well here. I got my MRI results finally, and, as I kind of suspected, the news isn't good; the herniated disc I had repaired in August has re-herniated. Which explains why things weren't getting better. Long story short, I'm probably going to have to get another operation, and, in the meantime, I'll still have to take meds for the pain (the rupture is severely constricting my sciatic nerve).

My doctor has suggested that I might start taking something else rather than the Vics (she's concerned about my liver since I've been taking them for nearly a year), but that probably means morphine - or something similar. And, as much as I don't want to go back there again, I'm going to have to deal with the pain somehow.

Needless to say, I am not amused. I am angry, depressed, and really wondering at this point if I'll ever have a normal life again. Yes, that's "catastrophizing" a bit, but it's not helping that all of this is going on right in the middle of what I think might be called a "mid-life crisis" (I'm 44).

Even if I only use one hand, I still have to count my blessings. Luckily, this all happened at a time when I had health insurance (and, since this is largely hereditary in my case, it was going to happen sooner or later), I have an understanding employer, I have a family that cares about me and can help me if I need it, and I have a long-time roommate who has seen me go through this whole episode and sympathises.

Still, I'm as mad as mad can be. I just feel like my life has been on hold for nearly a year... and it just got a several-month extension. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but at least I know it's not a cave. This will get better someday, and all I can do now is try to do what I can to lay a groundwork to really make the most of it when I get out the other side.

But I wonder if that's really how I should be thinking about it... it's just hard to think clearly with a mind preoccupied with pain and dulled by drugs.

Hopefully, this won't take as long as the first time. As long as things are moving along I think I'll be OK. It just sucks.

Thanks for listening and good luck to everyone. I'm sure I'm not the worst off here.

Get some sleep,
David

[KyAngel44]

Well here I am again its been a week since I posted anything. . I been off and on so many times I cant count..this week has been 2 or 3 of the 7.5's just to stop the shakes and aches and misery of trying to get clean.. I cant figure out why it is being so hard this time..I have set the goal of no more then 3 and 2 if I can get by with it.. Im trying the weaning down.. Cold turkey even after 70 hrs it just kept getting worse.. i know I made it 70 hours I should have been able to keep going but the shakes got worse the not sleeping was the worst.. no matter what I did or took to rest it wasnt working so I decided to taper for a week and then try even less the next week then nothing maybe then I can finally walk away from these demon drugs.. thats all they are.. DEMONS but I cant blame no one for it but myself for putting myself here again and again .. talk about feeling like a TRUE FAILURE..but I keep holding on to one day no pills.. a clean and free head and body and soul..what a day that will be.. Im sure by now you all are tired of hearing the same ole story but If I didnt have somewhere to vent and talk to anyone about this that understands what Im dealing with I wouldnt have gotten as determined as I have... I come here everyday hoping to read and be inspired more but everyone has stopped writing.. where has everyone gone to? I was scared to say that I was back again on these things but only a few a day.. but I have to talk to someone somewhere and my family doesnt know about this only my fiance.. and he has stood strong by me and hates to see me suffer but i know he hates all this im going thru and what its doing to me.. let alone what its doing to us..he says he will stand by me thru it all and after because he has faith in me and us.. I dont see how he puts up with me I really dont... ok I guess I have rambled enough.. LordHelpMe how are you doing? I havent seen any post from you and was just wondering.. take care and God Bless and everyone keep hanging on we will conquer this demon..

[Junkie781]

I've been here before. Now I'm here again. Last year, around March or April I got clean after abusing pills (Vicodin, Percoset, Oxy's) for several years. I actually put some time together too. Got through all of last summer clean, was in substance abuse counseling, life was pretty good......then that stinking thinking started to creep back into my brain...."I can get high a few times"

And I was out of counseling, ignoring calls from my therapist, and back on the pills.

Now, my pattern works like this: I usually get 12 20mg Oxy's and 25 or 30 Perc's from my source at a time. Those last me a couple or maybe 3 days....then I go back for more.....then, I usually stop for a few days...go through some fairly mild withdrawal......and just when I start feeling somewhat "normal" again, whatever that is, I get some more.

But the usage pattern has been creeping up - even my supplier has noticed. Now, here's my situation. I have no reason to lie here, so I'll just lay it out as it is. I'm getting a small package of pills tomorrow, then, my supplier says she won't have any more until the 16th of July. That's going to give me a couple of weeks off this junk, and (I'm hoping) enough of a jump-start to get and stay off them again.

I know I belong back in therapy. AA/NA is just not for me, although I fully admit I'm an addict, I've smoked weed and drank beer for YEARS with no problems at all....pills are my problem. There are not enough pills on this entire planet to satisfy my urges.

Anyway, just thought I'd chime in here.

I'll post again, after my next little binge is over and I start over.

Stupid, huh?

[Friends10]

Hi Friends,
I started using pills, Ativan, at the age of 13ish.I also used pot.acid,speed, and Qualudes.I sprained my back and the hospital gave me some kind of pain medicine.So, I was already in love with getting high.The Ativan I took from my parents.I would steal 10-20 from them, sit in my bedroom,drink ice tea, and pop away.Or, I would go to school take some Ativan, smoke pot, and do acid.Many a time I slept in class or found myself in the clinic.Remember the little bottles of lip gloss?I spilled the gloss out and put whiskey in it.I also found my dad's flask and would take that to school full of whiskey, go to the bathroom, and come back to class feeling good.Now, when I think back, how come no one noticed?I skipped classes or didn't even show up.Or I would sleep in class as I said earlier.Did no one care?My friends were always concerned.They kept me from suicidal "performances" such as running in the middle of the highway.Yes, I used my friends to feel sorry for me.I think secretly down inside someone would say something to my folks or get someone to help, but that never happened.I also started smoking ciggs. around this time.When I graduated, barely, from school, I drank a lot of alcohol.We were living Maryland, then moved to Florida where Qualudes were banned.That was a bummer.Yet, I still scored pot and had my parents ativans.
A few years went by and I met this woman who loved this one bar to go dancing and drinking.She loved the band.So, she asked me to come, and since I love music, dancing, and drinking I went.This became a usual weekend thing.I was drinking heavy.I got married a few years later and we both smoked pot together with our friends.I think my husband did it because he wanted to make me happy.We both really didn't like pot.He loved beer.I liked rum.But I couldn't stand the hangovers.So, I wanted pills and it was hard to get Ativan from my folks because they were catching on.They were wondering why the bottle was going so fast and it only happened when I came over. So, I stole less and spread it out.One night I was very drunk and I didn't know what the heck I was doing.I went outside and stood by the street.This car pulled up with four black men in the car.I think it was 4 the car was loaded.They asked me if I wanted to get high and of course I said yes.We got high and I was really out of it.But they all took their turns on me and dumped me out 5 miles from my home.Someone found me and took me to the hospital.Police talked to me, but I couldn't identify them.I had bruises, scratches,hair pulled out, and other thins wrong with me.They gave me the morning after after pill so I wouldn't get pregnant.They also gave me PAINKILLERS!!Even though I was raped and almost beaten to death, I got my pills.How sick was I to only think about being happy I got the pills.1989 came and my husband and I were trying to get pregnant.I got pregnant right away.As soon as I found out, I quit everything.After the baby was born, I would make up stories to the GYNOB how much pain I was in from the pregnancy where I tore.I really was in pain because of the rape years before and while pushing out the baby they had to cut me.So, I got PAINKILLERS.I couldn't breast feed, so I was able to take them, but I didn't smoke cigg's for two years.I drank during this time and still got the ativan.In 1992 I was put into a hospital for bipolar.Of course they gave me meds to treat that, but gave me my very own script for ativan.I was hospitalized for a month.When I got out,I attended AA and NA.I was clean and sober for five years.No more booze, even until today.But the ativans were still in my life.I needed to figure out a way to get some pain meds.So, I faked a lot of aches and pains.I had root canals and teeth pulled just so I could get the 20 Vicodin.When I called for a refill they gave it to me with a "Warning", you won't get anymore, take ibuprofen.I hated them, and kept on going to different dentists.I was pregnant again in 1996 and did the same as the first pregnancy, came clean for nine months.After child was born, started smoking cigg's and took ativans, plus my meds for bi-polar.Skip to today.I truley have a legitimate pain problem.It's in the L-5 part of the spine, bulging and protruding on the nerve which gives me terrible pain in my left leg.My lower back facet, which helps you bend, is also protruding.I have read many of you have some kind of back pain.First I asked for Tylenol 3 so they wouldn't think I wanted to the big stuff.Called them two days later saying the T-3 wasn't helping.This where Vicodine enters.Was taking 8-10 500's a day.Orthopedic increased the dosage and wanted me to take 4-5 a day.Yeah right.She sent me to a Pain Management, he prescribed a higher dosage and wants me to take 4 a day.Well, they make you sign all these papers about abuse and how they will not fill early.They only fill monthly.He gave me a fifteen day supply.Next week, I am going for an epodural Sterodial with Floriscopy.I am so addicted to pain meds, the meds are telling me,"Hey tell them the shot isn't working."Then after a month, if the first shot doesn't work, they want to do another one.If that doesn't work we go for surgery.I know I will get pain meds then.So, I am scared that someday this painkiller addiction will end.I am sickly addicted.I love reading this forum because as in AA and NA, I hear your story and maybe recovery.I have to be ready for recovery.I am not.I am in pain though.So, this is my story.I use meds for the bipolar,xanax for anxiey, and vicodin for pain.I smoke cigg's like a chimney.
Thanks for letting me vent,
Your Friend

[sick0fitall]

hello,
i'm severely addicted to oxycontin, percocet, and hydrocodone.. I can't affoard it anymore financially, physically, or mentally. I don't have prescriptions, i get them off the street.

I have some questions about suboxone if anyone could be kind enough to answer them for me. Do they give you the euphoric feeling that other opiattes give you (i'm hoping that they don't)? How expensive is it to be put on suboxone, by this i mean do you have to keep going to the doctor for your dose or can he just prescribe them to you in lower and lower doses? How long does one generally stay on suboxone? I'm too embarrased to ask my family for help.. i don't want them to know, but i also do not have health insurance so i'm hoping i can affoard the program myself.

Ive tried weening myself off and it works well until i have money in my pocket and someone else has oxy's in theirs.. I need to try something different. Any help would be greatly appreciated

[Friends10]

Please don't buy anymore oxys, percs, hydros off the street anymore.I heard they sometimes are fake or drug dealers put other kinds of medicines or poisons in them.It's bad enough you are taking such powerful meds, but it would be even worse if these street drugs were tainted with poison.About suboxone,I would come clean with your doctor and find out what to do to get off theses meds safely and if suboxone is an answer.Coming clean with the doc makes one feel like a child who has done something wrong.This is why we have doctors, because we get sick with all kinds of things.If you feel judged by your doc, seek another one.Go to NA meetings, read the forums, and ask yourself if you are truley ready to come clean.We are with you.
Friends10