[Krisy]

I've been reading all of you, and may i ask : does the suboxone (hope i spell it correctly) helps for pain ??? cuz i came out of methadone (i'm still going thru the withdrawls), and i'm still on 3-4 vicodin per day, and still on pain, i wish i could get rid of the vicodin but the pain is real and bad, and i honestly think that the methadone did some kind of a damage on my CNS.

Wish all of you the best.

Kristy

[closetuser]

I am writing to the few people who are currently going thru wd, or are trying to quit. I have been on Vicodin and Morphine for almost 2 years and still love the feelin I get from them. I was adament about not tellin even 1 person. about 1 month ago, I confided in a friend who stopped doing everything 7 years ago. I have only known this friend for 6 months, but knew she had been thru this already. She thought I quit 1 month ago. This is when morphine was introduced to me, so i started taking those. I tried to quit last week and could not do it because of how sick I felt.

After reading all the rave about suboxone, I went to my doctor and asked to a prescription of it on Friday. She did not give me that, but did give me some stuff to help with the wd's.

The whole point of writing this is that by me going to my dr. I feel so much stroner that I can do this on my own. I want to feel the natural highs that I felt up until 2 yrs ago.

If any of you have insurance, or even if you do not, go see your physican. They will help you thru that horrible 3-5 days in the beginning. I am so excited to stop. I want to think clearly and live a normal life again.

-A

[corisue]

I am getting ready to go through WD on my own. does anyone know how i can get through the cramping? i have sciatica which started this whole dependancy 2 yrs ago. i know its gonna be bad, but i have to. i get 120 oxycodone a month, and i am tired of worrying about taking it, and if i can go without it. i dont want to be on it anymore. i shopuld by all means be able to live life without painkillers. i see on this forum, that the first 3-5 days are the worst, can i do this by myself?

corisue

[mpvt]

It's tough going it alone but if your determined enough you can do it.Try and wean down before you quit totally.You should have some immodium around also some advil gel caps.If your able to take something for sleeping that wouls help to.Your right the first 3-5 days are usually the worst but it can be done.Good luck to you and remember we are here for support too........Dave

[corisue]

I am writing to see if anyone can help me fully understand what I am about to face. I have been prescribed painkillers(oxycodone, vicodin) for almost 3 yrs now. I see that it is time for me to get out from under this dependancy. Can anyone fill me in on what i will go through? I am almost out of pills, and by tonight, i will be feeling it. Please share with me, i am very scared.

corisue

[corisue]

thank you MVPT i really needed to hear that!!! i know i can do this, its just doing it. I dont want to have to seek the help of a clinic in order to kick this. that shouldn't be needed. i am a strong person, this just got the best of me. for the moment that is. i am 28 yrs old, too young to let this take me over. i miss the way i used to feel. i thank you again

corisue

[PoppyQueen]

Hi Corisue--ever have the flu? Withdrawal is like a very bad flue. You'll have nervous energy as your blood pressure will be elevated. You'll have a runny nose, bad diarrhea, body aches, muscle cramps, restless leg syndrome, headache, nausea maybe with vomiting. All those feelings you've been suppressing with pills will come flooding out of you. You'll cry, be depressed, have serious drug cravings and you probably won't sleep.

If it were me doing the withdrawal (cold turkey) route, I'd take a week off of work, load up on Ambien (or other sleeping pills), Valium or Ativan (or similar drug) for the anxiety you'll have, Advil or tylenol for pain, Immodium AD for diarrhea, vitamins, and drink lots of water to flush the narcotics out of you. I would also try to get low-dose Clonodine to reduce blood pressure.

Or you could use my method and go on Suboxone and have relatively few withdrawals and be able to carry on with your life the day you quit your narcotics. I hate pain, that's why I took pain killers in the first place. Why intentionally put yourself in more pain? These are just my opinions.

Dave is also correct in that you should wean down; that is if you have enough discipline to hold back on your usage. This is something I had great difficulty with. A friend of mine successfully quit Vicodin by weaning off over a 6 month period after 7 years of use. This is not something that's gonna go away quickly.

Good luck to you! A decision to quit is always the right decision.
PQ

[girlie girl]

[:X]I a 24 year old loratab addict. Does anyone know the best way to ween yourself from loratab/10? I have been on them for about a year now. I have taken as many as 10 a day but now I am only on 2 to 3 a day.I have use almost every drug there is, besides crack or heroin. I use to go out and drink alot. But now just pot and pills. I crave the pills all the time even when I'm not in pain. I'm such a nice lady when I come down off them. I use to be in a line of work where the drugs flowed freely. But now I have a daughter, husband and a Real job. I can't lose all that for pills ...please help.

[waters]

quote:Originally posted by capitalbob

Hi all, After 10 years of in and out abuse of various opiates - from vics to percs to oxys, I ordered an herbal supplement that I saw advertised in a local pennytrader magazine - it was advertised to "help stop narcotic withdrawl symptoms" it was only $50 - I ordered, tried everything else in the past. Surprisingly....it actually seems to help me, not just the physical symptons but it seems to take away my cravings to - well between taking that for the last 26 days, and support from reading others war stories on this message board and others i have been good - after writing i realize this sounds like an advertisement, but just honestly interested in helping others who have suffered the same - if you want to contact them there email is herbaltechnologies @ yahoo.com - if I find there website again, ill post it - thanks all

mm

[waters]

). subutex works great and you can get it from a doctor and detox at home or may be even able to go to work as well.

seriously consider getting some help. at least someone there for you if you are going to stick it out at home with nothing. but really, consider trying subutex which costs the same as a detox at a hospital,,maybe even less.
mine was $300. and you can adjust the dose as you need so you can taper yourself off it. its not that addictive itself.

good luck !

mm

[electra1010]

I am on day 1 of going "cold turkey". I've been using Lortab, Percocet, and Morphine for quite some time. This is my first attempt at quitting. I feel like I'm about to die right now. I just needed some reassurence that things would get better. Can day 2 be any less painful than day 1? I can't let my family know about my "problem".
I'm trying SO hard but I honestly feel like I'm dying!

[cmluke]

My husband is in his first 24 hours of witdrawels from pain meds. I have never had to go through anything like this before. I want to be here for him, but he keeps cursing and yelling at me. He has never acted this way to me before. Can someone please tell me how long will he be like this and what else should I expect? He is military so we can not get help from them or the doctors or else they will kick him out of the military and we definitely don't need that right now. He knows he has a problem and he wants to stop but he is having the worst time with these withdrawels. He has already wanted to hurt himself. What should I do and what do I have to expect with the remainder of his witdrawel times? Please, help me. Devoted and helpless wife.

[cmluke]

quote:Originally posted by waters

). subutex works great and you can get it from a doctor and detox at home or may be even able to go to work as well.

seriously consider getting some help. at least someone there for you if you are going to stick it out at home with nothing. but really, consider trying subutex which costs the same as a detox at a hospital,,maybe even less.
mine was $300. and you can adjust the dose as you need so you can taper yourself off it. its not that addictive itself.

good luck !

mm

What exactly is this and how do we go about finding out about it? My husband is military and we can't go to a doctor for help or they will turn him in. We went through our first 24 hours yesterday and last night and it was not fun at all. I've never seen him like this before. I don't know what to expect further and I really need to help him, he's in a LOT of pain. What can I do? How can I help? Is this detox your talking about addictive too? Please anything you can tell me would be a great help. Thanks so much... Devoted/helpless wife

[hamtramck]

8 years of Codeine; 3 weeks on Suboxone (wonderful drug) stopped taking Suboxone after 3 weeks & have been 5 days without. I AM MOST SURPRISED BY THE LACK OF ENERGY. Also, the depression is extreme.
Fighting the good fight.

[dopefiend]

has anybody heard of using L-Tyrosine to ease withdrawal pain?

[iknowit]

I have been taking suboxen for two weeks and its definatly a miricle drug, i haven't got to a doctor myself to get it i've been buying off a friend because of money and admiting to my doctor that i'm an addict. however i do have some concerns. this drug seems to good to be true, like what are the long term effects to this medication?
then i think it couldn't be worse than the poison were already pumping ourseves with, or could it?
there's not to many things you can take for granted these days and the way the world is i don't want to beileive i'm cured after just two weeks of taking this. Then again, addiction is a disease just like cancer, and maybe this is part of the cure?


pam

[PoppyQueen]

You can't be cured after two weeks of taking Suboxone--don't even think you can. Your addiction probably took quite a while to develop and nothing is so miraculous as to cure your addiction in 2 weeks. I've been on Sub. for 12 days now and there's no way I'd be ready to go off of it in 2 days. I figure it should take a good 6 months to help me get past my addiction. As far as addiction being a disease is highly debatable; certainly not comparable to a disease such as cancer. It's a habit, and a habit is a habit--they're all hard to quit. Some are just more life-threatening than others. When I was taking 12 Vics. a day I never thought "Gee, I wish I didn't have this disease." It was a nasty habit that got me into trouble, the kind of habit that's hard to quit cold turkey because of all the junk your body goes through when quitting.

When I smoked cigarettes for 30 years, I never considered it a disease. I quit; it was really tough doing so and almost 5 years later, I still have urges, though not as intense. That's why staying on Suboxone for a long period of time is important. You have to break the habit part of your addiction. In 6 months I hope to not be wanting my old Vics. at all. But considering I've been taking painkillers for 35 years (not steadily) and I may have to stay on this stuff for a longer period of time. I know I'm gonna have to wean off this stuff, too, but it should be a bit easier than quitting all those heavy-duty narcotics. Hey, whatever it takes.

Just tonight's input. Logging in my thoughts in this forum helps me immensely. And if I can help anyone else out there in trouble, it really makes my day!

PQ

[dopefiend]

ok...ok....everyone here is probably gonna bite my head off for this but I'm gonna say it anyways.....it seems like everyone that gets suboxone gets it to escape the pain of withdrawals. two weeks ago I stumbled across this site trying to find info on suboxone...I was taking appx. 30-35 norcos a day and knew I couldn't go on this way. even though the suboxone sounded great, it's just another drug! How many posts on here say "it's my 8th day drug free, this suboxone is a miracle"? I could understand if you are using sub for a long period of time to fight the "mental" side of things down the road, but that doesn't seem to be the case for the majority of the people taking it. I just went thru the worst week and a half of my life, something that I'm NEVER going to forget (long after any suboxone wore off). One of the only things that got me through this was reading your posts...THANK ALL OF YOU....I couldn't a done it withoutcha...And now I'm going to my first NA meeting on tues....drug free. I know it's different strokes for different folks and all, but I just wonder, without going through any withdrawal pain to get off the pills with this wonder drug, wouldn't it be easier to get back on em?

[iknowit]

dear dope, i agree with what your saying in a way"no pain no gain"
but at the same time suboxone is sort of a guarentee, when you take it you can't get high, and for me it gave me insight on a person i haven't seen in a long time...myself. I felt normal, not high, like before i ever took a pill. my concern is similar to yours though,
even though you take 2 subox rather than 20 viks at the end of the day its still a drug and i wonder what long term effects it has. however, i will cross one bridge at a time, so far i have 2 weeks clean of pills, and that feels great.

pam

[iknowit]

dear poppy,
you sound like a very smart lady, and i appriciate you giving me feedback.
i've grown up in a NA family, and have been taught that addiction is a disease, i agree with you that habit sounds more logical, so i'll say it this way: addiction is like a disease taking over your life, feeling helpless to this sh** , but you can change it!

also i wasn't saying that i'm cured i was making refernce to some on this board who talk as if they are cured, beleive me i know i'm not cured and i'm afraid of always being this way


pam

[dopefiend]

I understand what you say about getting "insight" pam, and I understand that everyone has to go their own route. It's just seems wierd to hear "I've been pill free for two weeks", when you are still taking pills. You are taking sub for a kind of "pain" just as those with back problems are taking vicodin for pain....are they pill free too? Suboxone isn't an herb or a supplement, it is a prescription drug and so are vicodin. People that are taking things like xanax to be able to get some sleep during withdrawals shouldn't start counting their "clean" days untill they don't need a drug to go to sleep....To me, "drug free" doesn't have many definitions, but it does here, and this website of all places is where it definately should not. Please don't think I'm trying to attack anyone here, but I think we should be very honest with ourselves, not just the people around us.

[kyhomegirl]

I think she should be able to say shes 2 weeks clean from pills. She clean from popping pills all day to get high. Big difference in my opinion. In rehab the girls on methadone was able to count their clean days off of heroin because they were.

[iknowit]

okay, heres the deal!
I'm glad were having this conversation because theres many people on both sides of the fence on this subject.
I relize that the best way to get clean, is to do just that, but that might explain why 9 out of 10 go back, phisicly or mentaly.

You hear people say miricle because at least for me, this particular drug not only takes away withdrawl, but I don't even want to take pills.
The question being, have i replaced one for the other? Yes, but it doesn't get me high and it feels an awful lot better taking 2 than chasing a high allday, and that high being my whole life.
and when you quit all together quiting becomes your whole life.
To me this drug allows you to tackle your addiction not only in the right mind(because your not sick) but nips in the butt why we went this route in our life anyway.
last, you don't have to agree and you even said everyone deals with things differently, just understand that for some people this is the first thing we have been genuenly excited about that is pulling us in the right direction.
Ultimatly my goal is to not need anything but my own strenghth to get by, but for now suboxone feels right.
Thank you for answering.

[PoppyQueen]

Dopefiend, I understand your argument against people assuming they're pill free when they've just stopped their dope in exchange for another drug. So if I were so brave and only took Advil to control pain during withdrawal and beyond am I not pill free? What if I take some vitamin pill like L-Tyrosine to help ease withdrawal am I not pill free? Just wanting clarification.

Iknowit: You do know it and you just said it all. Suboxone takes away not only withdrawal pains but it really does get rid of that "chasing the high all day." No chit, man! When I was taking Vics and my first two didn't get me a nice buzz, then it was on to more pills--all day long, every day. How do you stop that?

I certainly hope Suboxone doesn't leave me with other health issues. And I agree it's the best thing to come around since, well, since nothing! The fear of withdrawal keeps many of us using. Who wants to intentionally be sick and depressed? Who has the luxury of putting their life on hold while they clean up? No one I know. And I think Suboxone may have a greater success rate for long-term abstinance than going cold turkey. We can read so many posts of people who just couldn't take the pain of withdrawal any longer and started using again. Just the amount of people who log on asking for help and then you never hear from them again is a testament of failure going the cold turkey route for a lot of people. And weaning off is something only the minority of people can handle. I'm a weenie, I admit it, and I can do neither. But as soon as I read about Suboxone, I saw a way out for me.

Everyone has to do it the way that's right for them. Suboxone is right for me.

Wishing all a sleep-filled peaceful night...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
PQ

[pthelps]

Hey Dopefind ,PQ .Kyhome girl and knowit .

Well here is the whole scoop .I withdrew from pain pill by weenig off of them .I too felt a little holeyer than thou because I did it .I was not addicted I was dependant on them .I only took them for pain .I never took any extra just used them to try and get rid of the pain . Well being almost pain free did not last for very long for me .Now I hurt like heck all of the time and wrestle with myself all of the time so I dont take that pain pill to stop the pain .Then the other night in the midst of wrestling with myself not to take that pain pill to lessen my physical pain I relized that the only difference between myself and a drug addict or Alcholic was the drug of choice .We all take our drug to get rid of some kind of pain .The only way any of can get rid of this hold these drugs have on use is to fix what ever pain drove us to them .I had fixd my with physical therapy and Massage therapy and healthy living .But still the pain came back and so has my disire to kill the pain with pain meds .I dont see any differnce in that than a drug addict taking their drug of choice to make them feel better or to stopwhat ever their pain in .The only diffrence is that what has happened to me is more socila acceptable .So i can go around feeling better because it is pyhsical pain I am getting rid of .NOT EVEN !!!!!! I can't kid myself any longer I am no different than any of us .So keep on trying because staying off of pain killers is the way to go no matter who you are or how you do it .We all have our demons to fight .and wanting to Quit is the right start no matter what anyone says. pthelps

[PoppyQueen]

Pthelps, I hear you. It's a tough battle. I went on Sub. and I still have pain. And Sub is supposed to ease pain. I told my psychiatrist this and he prescribed Cymbalta which is supposed to block pain receptors in your brain. I'm on a low dosage and it helps somewhat. But right, I am still in pain. So, I gotta eat lots of Advil? We need a narcotic-free drug that really takes away pain!!! I've been taking Tramadol 1x or 2x daily for pain but from what I read about them, they're a little scarey. I don't know why people get addicted to them because they don't make me high at all.

Naturally when I was eating 12 Vics a day, some were taken just to get high (duh). But quite a lot of them were taken for pain, especially the first two in the morning. Man I hurt! So you take them for so long for pain that when you're not hurting, you still gotta take them.

Well, I'm in pain now and I guess I should call my chiropractor. That helps for a while.

Thanks for letting me spew!

Have a great, Narcotic-free day!

PA

[Arkie88]

Hi everyone. I found this site last night on my last nerve. My doctor gave me 300 percs and i used them in about 8 or 9 days. I cant believe I am doing this. I now have only ultracet til Friday when I can refill my script. I have a lovely wife and a new baby, a great job - I'm the guy no one thinks this would happen to. But I'm leading a life of lies. The pain in my back is so bad (2 back surgeries) so I need the pills but I constantly chase the high. Help!

[iknowit]

WHAT UP ARK?

I KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING, I'M A SINGLE MOTHER THAT WORKS TWO JOBS. I'M 23 AND I RECENTLY MOVED BACK HOME TO GET ON MY FEET.
A YEAR AGO, MY FIANCE' AND I BROKE IT OFF BECAUSE HE HAD A DRUG PROBLEM, ALTHOUGH I'VE BEEN TAKING VICODIN ON AND OFF FOR 5 YEARS, IDIDN'T CONCIDER MYSELF AN ADDICT. I TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER I WORK HARD, BUT I CHASE THIS FU**EN DEMON ALL DAY SOMTIMES EXCEDING 15 VICS IN DAY OR SETTLING FOR ANYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON WHEN VICS AREN'T AVAILABLE(NOT DOPE)
BUT I'M FINALLY ADMITING(AT LEAST TO MYSELF) THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM.
EVEN WORSE THAN THE PILLS I'M ANGRY, WITH SUPER CRAZY MOOD SWINGS. I'M DOWN RIGHT CRUEL TO PEOPLE SOMETIMES, EVERYONE CHALKS IT UP TO WHAT I'VE BEEN THRU THE PAST YEAR, WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW IS I'VE BEEN SELF MEDICATING TO DEAL WITH THIS SH**!
FOR INSTANCE I WAS ENGAGED TO WONDERFUL MAN HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, AND SLOWLY THINGS CHANGED AND I FOUND THAT MY WONDERFUL MAN IS SMOKING CRACK, STILL LIEING TO ME , HE EVENTUALLY DISAPEARED ALL TOGETHER. HE CALLS ME EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE TO APOLOGIZE, CRY AND PRETEND HE'S GONNA BE A DAD. POINT BEING I'VE LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THIS BY TAKING PILLS AND SHORTLY WAITING FOR ALL MY PAIN TO GO AWAY, ONLY LATLY IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY, TO BE THE WAY I AM TO NEED PILLS TO WAKE UP, TO SLEEP AND TO JUST FUNCTION! I HATE IT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE OR JUST HOPING IT WILL HAPPEN, THEN I LOOK AT MY LITTLE GIRL AND THINK SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN AND NO MATTER WHAT HELL GOD GOT IN STORE FOR ME TODAY, I WILL FIND SOME HAPPINESS IN WATCHING HER GROW.
I'M TAKING SUBOXEN NOW,AND I'M NOT EVEN DOING THAT RIGHT. I BUY THEM OFF A FRIEND BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO MAKE MY OWN APT.
EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS NOW COMING TO A HEAD, I'VE LOST ANY PATIENTS I HAD I'M A FU**EN TIME BOMB THERES TIMES MY TEMPER SCARES ME. BUT I DO HAVE FAITH, AND HAVE TO TRUST THAT SOMEBODY UP THERE KNOWS WHAT THERE DOING. I BELEIVE I CAN STOP TAKING PILLS WITH THE HELP OF SUBOXNE IT REALLY WORKS, BUT UNFORTUNATLY THATS NOT THE END OF MY PROBLEMS ITS ONLY THE BEGINING.
ANY SUG?

[Arkie88]

quote:Originally posted by iknowit

WHAT UP ARK?

I KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING, I'M A SINGLE MOTHER THAT WORKS TWO JOBS. I'M 23 AND I RECENTLY MOVED BACK HOME TO GET ON MY FEET.
A YEAR AGO, MY FIANCE' AND I BROKE IT OFF BECAUSE HE HAD A DRUG PROBLEM, ALTHOUGH I'VE BEEN TAKING VICODIN ON AND OFF FOR 5 YEARS, IDIDN'T CONCIDER MYSELF AN ADDICT. I TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER I WORK HARD, BUT I CHASE THIS FU**EN DEMON ALL DAY SOMTIMES EXCEDING 15 VICS IN DAY OR SETTLING FOR ANYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON WHEN VICS AREN'T AVAILABLE(NOT DOPE)
BUT I'M FINALLY ADMITING(AT LEAST TO MYSELF) THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM.
EVEN WORSE THAN THE PILLS I'M ANGRY, WITH SUPER CRAZY MOOD SWINGS. I'M DOWN RIGHT CRUEL TO PEOPLE SOMETIMES, EVERYONE CHALKS IT UP TO WHAT I'VE BEEN THRU THE PAST YEAR, WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW IS I'VE BEEN SELF MEDICATING TO DEAL WITH THIS SH**!
FOR INSTANCE I WAS ENGAGED TO WONDERFUL MAN HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, AND SLOWLY THINGS CHANGED AND I FOUND THAT MY WONDERFUL MAN IS SMOKING CRACK, STILL LIEING TO ME , HE EVENTUALLY DISAPEARED ALL TOGETHER. HE CALLS ME EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE TO APOLOGIZE, CRY AND PRETEND HE'S GONNA BE A DAD. POINT BEING I'VE LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THIS BY TAKING PILLS AND SHORTLY WAITING FOR ALL MY PAIN TO GO AWAY, ONLY LATLY IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY, TO BE THE WAY I AM TO NEED PILLS TO WAKE UP, TO SLEEP AND TO JUST FUNCTION! I HATE IT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE OR JUST HOPING IT WILL HAPPEN, THEN I LOOK AT MY LITTLE GIRL AND THINK SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN AND NO MATTER WHAT HELL GOD GOT IN STORE FOR ME TODAY, I WILL FIND SOME HAPPINESS IN WATCHING HER GROW.
I'M TAKING SUBOXEN NOW,AND I'M NOT EVEN DOING THAT RIGHT. I BUY THEM OFF A FRIEND BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO MAKE MY OWN APT.
EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS NOW COMING TO A HEAD, I'VE LOST ANY PATIENTS I HAD I'M A FU**EN TIME BOMB THERES TIMES MY TEMPER SCARES ME. BUT I DO HAVE FAITH, AND HAVE TO TRUST THAT SOMEBODY UP THERE KNOWS WHAT THERE DOING. I BELEIVE I CAN STOP TAKING PILLS WITH THE HELP OF SUBOXNE IT REALLY WORKS, BUT UNFORTUNATLY THATS NOT THE END OF MY PROBLEMS ITS ONLY THE BEGINING.
ANY SUG?

[Arkie88]

I definitely can relate althoug i'm not familiar with the subox. There's been days where I vomited from taking too many pills in one day. I'm scared to find out what I've done to my body inthe last 6 months.

All I can tell you is that your girl is there for a reason - just like my son is. They are there for us to guide them, love them, and be there for them. Thats the only thing that gets me thru somteimes. I love him so much and I can tell you love your daughter. It just sucks so bad that people are in so much pain and need this medicine and then get hooked on it because of a million reasons. I dont know what my next step is but I know I can let myself take 40 pills (10mg percs) a day. Have faith and hope that better times are ahead.