[Kaidog]

LMAO

I'm not sure why the system censored the word c-a-s-i-n-o. The "nice lady" was the "female dog" word.

Funny.

Clean Date = 01/05/06

[Kaidog]

sparky:

I'm not sure there is enough band width for me to list all the "triggers" that caused me to want more vikes. Stress, need of energy, just wanting to feel high, just about anything.

What's amazing is this last bout, no matter how many I would take, I no longer got a buzz or the energy burst I so longed for. I'm thinking it was God manipulating the circumstances so that I would once again find the motivation to quit.

nymommy:

You are right. My wife is the greatest. She has hung with me through so much. I am so lucky to have her.............and she's a knock-out on top of that!





Clean Date = 01/05/06

[Kaidog]

ComingHome:

Check in and let us know how you are doing will you? This is day two or three for you?

Clean Date = 01/05/06

[Kaidog]

nymommy:


I've never tried the clonodine pills but the patch has sure helped me in the past with reducing the W/D symptoms.

I'd give it a try. It's not anything you're married to if it disagrees with you. On the other hand, it is supposed to be really helpful during the time that your body is objecting to the reduction in sub.

Keep us posted will you? It's really beneficial for others who will follow or who lurk.


Clean Date = 01/05/06

[nymommy]

kdog..good memory..end of sept...always been on a low dose...i feel horrible, but i'm certainly not gonna whine to you!...the half life is very long..so i'm in for a ride..do you think i should try the clonidine pills?

[Kaidog]

I was just looking at my sign-off. How depressing!

nymommy:

I remember your sub date because my previous clean date was Sept. 12, 2006. Friday would have been 4 months. Stupid weak me, now Friday is a week instead!

Oh well. As I've said before, a week clean is better than a day and a day clean is better than using.

Clean Date = 01/05/06

[ComingHome]

Hi everyone. Day 2, no opiates. Went to an NA meeting at lunch, and that helped get me through the rest of the work day. It seems like a serenity sticks with me the more meetings I attend. I am going to try to catch one a day. Other than that, I've just been dealing with some mental issues like grudges that are taking up a lot of space in my head. Sparky, we all have these trigers - they just become harder to deal with the longer we take a substance that masks it. The only way around it is clean time and perhaps NA or something to teach us how to live "clean," and deal with our issues without the use of a substance.

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[sparky]

hi...thanks for trigger responses...yeh, some days are worse than others....this lackluster, unmotivated way I feel....yeh , the vikes did create a nice euphoria for awhile but I am smart enough to know it won't be like that again if I started using again...so its facing whats real appreciating that there is alot of good in my life...I guess the stressors have always gotten to me that is why I masked them....I do have to get more clean time, more wellness under my belt as was said....sorry if I am mopey, but thanks for iistening...I also think the more fit I get and loose that 10 pounds will help...like Dr. Phil says...you have to get excited about your life...right?

[nymommy]

kdog..im afraid of the dizziness..tiredness and health risks..but the way i feel tonite/today..maybe i'll give it a go...i'll start on friday (my day off)...~~sparky how much sub are you taking...are you weaning, is that why your feeling lackluster (perfect word)..thats exactly how i feel today...im in bed already...soooooooooooo unlike me..couldnt make it to the gym in 2 days..and i go all the time..and it helps soo much..just couldnt go

[billy54]

Im Bill I have been on methadone for 30 years. Always over 150 mgs
daily. I am looking into this suboxine. Have any of you tried to detox with this drug. I am reading it takes about 3 weeks and it will get you off methadone. Im little concerned about how long Ive been on Methadone and will this work for me.[?]

bill stuart

[LISA GIRL]

Billy.. I am 90+ days on the sub but don't know if it would work in lieu of methadone or how the transition would work.. Hopefully someone here will have some solid answers for you.

OK ALL... today I got bad news regarding my mom's health... It brought me back to 3 years ago when my dad had his stroke and I got started on these things. If there was ever a threat to my sobriety from the percocet it will be in the next weeks. I just want to ask you all for your prayers for her and me...I have already rationalized resuming the painkillers should it get very bad emotionally. I know I will need them to get me thru. This is nothing imminent...and may never happen, but I have done serious thinking about it today. I was down to 1 sub per day and took 3 today... trying to get away from the cravings...the association I have ...this pain with the time when they were a regular part of my life. It is difficult living far away from an aging parent.. and knowing they are hurting emotionally and physically ...knowing THEY know they are nearing the end of life is terribly tormenting to me. In addition, my boyfriend of 4 years and I finally put an end to things today.. It was not the most healthy of relationships, but is difficult nonetheless... If I don't post for a few days just know that I love and am cheering for you all.. especially you Baby Steps and Coming Home... in your early days of recovery.

Baby steps.. can I drive the Lexus sometime?

Love you guys.. again.. really glad to have you back Kaidog..and glad you changed your name too! It might draw back some of those M.I.A. posters when they see you around.

[nymommy]

lisa we will all be thinking/praying for you and your mom...these are the days that trigger us..unfortunatley, probably more will come..you are soo right in saying how sad it is for the elderly..and when its your parents, it's down right crushing!!!!

[Baby Steps]

Oh Lisa Girl My Heart absolutely BREAKS for you! I am so sorry you have so much going on right now and you and your Mamma are definetly in my prayers! Does she have a deteriorating condition or is she just sad your not close by? Either way, just know we are here for you when you will be at your weakest just like God! Only He can really give you the strength, Peace and comfort you will need for the next few days, weeks, months... Whatever the case. How far away from your mom are you? Could you possibly go visit more often?

And as far as the Lexus.... You Betcha Girlfriend!!! How bout a good ole Road Trip!!!??? LOL

Welcome Billy!!! Stay in touch and as far as the switch from Meth to Sub... I have heard it is done more often than not but under supervision. I hear it is a step toward getting clean. I hear it's easier to get off of than Meth but still not without withdrawal just easier than Meth which I heard is Horrible. It is done and I say Hang in there, see a sub prescribing Doctor and make that move. You have been on Meth a long time however from what I hear sub is relatively new so back then you had no other options I'm sure. Good Luck to you and know we are all here for you.

NY and Sparky... I hope you guys had a great day today!!!!! [8D]

Kai and OnceAgain.... You Guys Rock!!!! Well done!!!! Keep up the good work! You all are my inspiration and I know if you guys can do it I can too!!! Hang in there!!!

Thanks for making my day guys!!!! I Luv you guys too!!!!!

Hugz and God Bless you all!!

Baby Steps

[Baby Steps]

Ooops I meant Coming Home not Once! LOL Once is Kai ... I'm a dork!

[chrish1]

Lisa,

I have great empathy for you. I have been through some terrribly tough times clean, and I know it is not easy. BUT, it is very rewarding. That is really tough since you are facing loss in a couple different areas at the same time. One of those losses is your use of Perc. I know that sounds weird, but when I was in an outpatient program they had me write a letter to painkillers; a goodbye letter. That was thereputic, and I'd recommend it to anybody. It's hard to face the tough times sober, but I found that it gets easier with time. If we use during those times we actually just put our problems on the back burner and they end up growing there. Our secrets grow and thrive in darkness and they die with the light of day. I wish you the best of luck and please know that I and many others will be praying for you.

Kai, welcome back.

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

Drugs are a big lie. Don't believe the lie.

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[Baby Steps]

OMGosh Chrish!!! Welcome back to the board!!! I was just thinking about you yesterday when everyone was reminising over the past posters. How have you been? Please don't stay away, your words are a great inspiration too so many and I know I miss them. How did the home life work out? I know thaqt was a very difficult time for you. How are the kids?

Please fill us in. And Congratulations on your clean time!!! You've come a LONG way and we are so proud of you too!!!

Stay close!

Peace and God Bless,

Baby Steps

[LISA GIRL]

BabySteps and ChrisH...I appreciate the prayers I really do.

In answer to your question Babysteps... I don't mean to sound like she is on death's doorstep...and I am bad with the medical stuff... terminology and the specifics...but she has spinal stenosis and severe osteoarthritsis... again not good with the specifics.. she had a semi botched surgery years ago..has been on pain pills for several years (ironic.. she has no idea of my problem..she actually hates taking them.).. has managed to lead a relatively active life until about a month ago.. Her legs have now been affected and her balance is off. She was here for Christmas and she used a walker some but just at night. Today I got a call from my brother and he is on his way home..(driving 12 hours home).. I find out she can now barely even stand...can't move her neck.. has really taken a turn for the worse in the last week or so. The fear is she will need a wheelchair and be forced to move out of her home into some type of nursing care. She is very independant and this will really take the life out of her. She is seeing a neurosurgeon tommorrow. Previous docs have said surgery is too risky due to her (more medical stuff and the osteoarthritis) and would require at least a year of downtime.. They have STRONGLY advised against it. She is 81. I am a 12 hour drive from her but only 1 1/2 hours by flight.. I will definitely increase my visits.. I just see this as the beginning of the end for her and it hurts me so much. I will know more tomorrow. I wish I knew more of the medical background... I have it written down somewhere as there are many people here I know experience with back issues. My feeling is if the choice is a risk of death or paralysis surgery vs a definite future in the wheelchair, she will risk the surgery. Sorry to be longwinded but since you asked I know this is nothing unique to me.. and perhaps being wheelchair bound is not the worst thing that can happen to one.. ... but seeing our parents at this stage in life makes you feel so helpless...they are supposed to be the caretakers...the strong ones.. it's hard to watch them be helpless....and it is a reminder of our own mortality..




Again I really appreciate the prayers. It's amazing how I seem to call on God times like this. I have been really bad about talking to him except in times of strife lately.. Good thing I know he is forgiving. And I know that prayer works.. So Please all keep my mom in your prayers...

ChrisH..Good to see you.. always an inspiration for sure as B.S. said.... I know deep down you are right.. I don't know what the **** I am thinking right now...This just took me by surprise and it's just in my nature to try to dull the pain any way possible. And I do know that if I relapsed now, it would be all that much harder next time around.

SO ....Babysteps.. where we going on that roadtrip?

Kaidog where are you tonight.?. we need someone to lighten the mood from the damper I put on it...

[hatelove percs]

lisah boy, your post reminds me of the very first painkiller i ever took which led to my neverending spiral of addiction. my mom was in the hospital and i took an oxycontin to kill the pain i was feeling in my heart and it changed my life forever. i am sorry for what you are going through. stay strong, girl.

[Baby Steps]

Hey Lisa Girl... Hang in there sweetie! I know things will work out for the best. Thank you for sharing that with us and it does seem on the outside as hopeless but with our modern medicine I can only believe things will work out. And she seems to have some pretty GREAT kids! I'm glad you'll be able to fly and visit her, I'm sure that will give her hope and reason. Do your research and I'm sure you'll run across something that will help.

As far as that road trip.... I am sooo resdy! LOL I've done it before with my best friend from Simi Valley CA to Northern VA! It was a BLAST!!! A story in every state! A bit like Thelma and Louise w/o the murder!

Stay in touch and I'm so glad you understand that God is forgiving "Thank You God!!" and is always waiting for us to need to lean on him, like in times like this. I also know the temptations are very strong right now... That's what we are here for!

Good Night and sweet dreams Everyone!!!

Hugz and Prayers,

Baby Steps

[sydbean]

Kaidog is your clean date supposed to be in 2206?? or do you mean 2007?? I was not sure if the date at the bottom was your original clean date and you relapsed or if you put 06 by mistake...all sorts of confused....although I confuse easily so it may just be me.LOL

Bill Stuart~ I think having been on Methadone that long you may want to talk to some of the people at another forum that I know of. There are some people that can talk to you about coming off long term methadone and also they have pages and pages about switching to suboxone. I hope it will allow me to post the link. If not I will get it to another way but you have to go to that forum and look to talk to Arlene. She is amazing and is clean of long term Methadone!!!!

www.herion-detox.com

I hope you can find your way over there!! Good luck hope to see ya there!!

Syd

[LISA GIRL]

Thank you again BS... and hate love percs.. thank you!... It really feels good to type and hear from people who understand... BTW, love your screen name... Sounds like me ...percocet was my D.O.C. and I can definitely relate to the Love/Hate relationship!


See I didn't think I would feel like posting for a few days but it really is therapeutic.

BabySteps... Ok.. we'll start in Cali and hang out with Kaidog and make it to NY to see NYMOMMY!....I'm sure there are plenty of others along the way....

[gqblu]

Lisa Girl,

My thoughts are with you during your difficult time.

Warmest, Gqblu

[chrish1]

Hi Baby Steps. Things are going great in my life. After all, we really are the masters of our own destiny's. The program of Narcotic's Anonymous has taught me how to look forward instead of backwards, which only gets us caught in a web of self deceit, self pity, resentment, anger, and fear. If we are looking back and caught in the past, we tend to go back there. I choose to look forward, but more importantly live in the moment. Everything worked out great for everybody in the end, and I am moving forward with my life. I wish my ex the best, and we seem to be sharing the custody of the kids with consideration where it should be... doing what is best for the kids. We have joint custody, and we will still have to work together for years to come. All in all, my life hasn't really changed as much as my attitude, spirituality, and love for my fellow human beings has changed. The changes in my life have produced an opportunity for personal growth that is unparalled in any other period of my life. I have learned tolerance, patience, and how to sweep my side of the street instead of always blaming others for my problems. I am, after all, the master of my own destiny. Freedom from active addiction has given me so much more than just the ability to live without the use of narcotics. It has given me the ability to enjoy sunrises, sunsets, and how to experience real love... how to help others and how helping others helps me simultaneously. How to take a step back when I am nervous, anxious, or depressed and look at the underlying reasons, and more importantly how to change my attitude on those underlying reasons. That is what really gives us freedom from active addiction... how to live life on life's terms. I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture, and I'm about ready for bed.

Until next time.

With love,

Chrish

Clean Date: 10/11/05

Drugs are a big lie. Don't believe the lie.

***HOW TO FIND LOCAL NA MEETINGS****

http://www.na.org/links-toc.htm

[Kaidog]

sydbean:

Wow. I never saw that before but you are right. My clean date should have been 2007.

Geeze, if it were only that easy to rack-up the clean time simply by changing a date on the computer!

Thanks for the observation. I've corrected it.

Clean Date = 01/05/07

[Kaidog]

LISA GIRL:

I know from your previous posts that you have a personal relationship with your maker. Regardless of how things unfold in the coming days, weeks and months, and regardless of how you respond to those things, you will need to draw upon that relationship more than ever.

That's one of the greatest aspects of His love for us, that it is usually at times like these that we hear His voice, and feel His touch more clearly and more fully than we ever have before. My prayers are certainly with you, your Mom and your addiction.

It would be tragic to lose all the clean time you have put together and, like I found this last time after I stumbled, I no longer felt the buzz, the energy or experienced the warm glow of the hydro's. I see that now as a gift. Had all those old great feelings still been there, I would still be using.

No matter what though, know that you have become very important to many here, more than you probably realize. You are loved by many.

Please keep us informed will you?

Clean Date = 01/05/07

[Kaidog]

Just as an aside, and recognizing that it pales in significance compared to Lisa Girls issues, today is day 7 for me.

I feel a wee bit better today. Slept well with the help of Ambien. Thanks to all of you who recommended it my last round of withdrawal. I still have to be cautious about my dosage as it makes me stupid, (even more than usual). Sorta like a "date rape" drug. My wife tells me about things I did the night before of which I have NO recollection. I've learned to manage that by only taking it once I'm already in bed and ready for some serious ZZZZZZZZZZZZ's.

nymommy: How's the w/d's today? We sure are rooting for your success.

Coming Home:

Day three? How are things?

Clean Date = 01/05/07

[Kaidog]

Baby Steps:

How'z that new car working out?

Actually this reminds me of how "different" my wife is.

My wife is one in a million. A few years ago, to reward her for all her years of hard work and of putting up with me, I bought her a new Lexus. It was spectacular! EVERYTHING you've ever heard about them is true.

She hated it.

She felt presumptious driving it. She has just always been that way. Humble, simple and down to earth. She could drive virtually any car on the planet and she drives a Saturn and loves it.

I hated selling that Lexus. I loved it but it wasn't mine.

Just one more of the things that makes me love her.

So........... Can I drive the Lexus one of these days Baby Steps?

Clean Date = 01/05/07

[Baby Steps]

Hey Lisa Girl! That sounds like a really fun trip! Your too much girl! How are you today? You and your mom are in my thoghts and prayers.

Chrish, What can I say... You are so very right and I couldn't have said it better myself! I am so very happy that you've moved forward as divorce can be like a death and instead it seems you've handled it in a very positive and mature and of course Spiritual manner, KUDOS!

Hey Kai... you were pretty funny the other night after you took your ambien! I wish I had it to use for tomorrow but I do have melatonin and it helps pretty good too. I am dreading this weekend but I will not cave again. Pray for me guys! Congrats on your clean time... WOW Day 7!!!!! GREAT JOB!

Coming Home... where are you? Are you ok? Let us know.

NY... are you doing ok? How are you feeling today? Are you saying that when you take the very smallest of pieces you get w/d relief? Have you been able to go for a full day? Take it slow.

I have a very big quarterly audit today so I better get into work... but pray for me for tomorrows start. I'm so scared and full of dread. I don't want to fail a second time.


And to all I missed... Have a Great Day!!!! [8D]

Hugz and prayers,

Baby Steps

[Baby Steps]

Kai... your so funny!!! Of course you can!!! Your wife seems like such a down to earth sweetie!!! Saturns are a great car... My daughter won't drive anything but a saturn!!

Hey Kai... can you answer a question for me? What's up with the dog in both those names? Do you raise them?

Okay I really gotta go this time... I just had to respond cause you got me laughing!!! [8D]

Hugz,

Baby Steps

[LISA GIRL]

Hey all.. thanks for the inqurirys.. Nothing new.. I will know more after she speaks with the doctor today..

Babysteps.. good luck with that audit today... and another day of being clean.. each day is such a landmark!

Kaidog---same thing.. maybe you could make that Lexus your reward after a year clean! I know that being sober/clean is it's own reward but hey, nothing wrong with treating yourself too!


Chris H...so glad you are in a healthy relationship with the ex.. a different type of relationship, but one that is for the good of the kids...you are always the inspiration.

Everyone else.. running late for work but I pray for your continued and future success at battling this demon..

Lisa Girl..