[OnceAgain]

Well....................... I just did it.

I was going to wait for my wife to get home at 7:45 but I could feel myself caving so I just did it.

I opened my safe and grabbed the 200 plus Norco's I had and flushed them.

Geeze. I can remember days when I would have killed for that many hydro's.

I flushed em, I flushed em, I flushed em.

As ComingHome put it earlier today............ I'm flying without a safety net.

[OnceAgain]

Geeze! I am sitting here just stunned! Did I really just do that? Did I REALLY just flush $800.00 worth of Norcos down the toilet?

That is so unlike me! These damn things have controlled my very existance for so many years now.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not questioning the wisdom of what I've done, just the fact that I've done it.

No turning back now.

I will win. I will beat this. I will get my life back!

[LISA GIRL]

Once Again.. Mad props to you!! That really takes something to dash your stash like that! I can't stress enough how great I think that is... of course my first thought was "he's really going to FLUSH 200 hydros?" My second thought was "That's incredible. That takes an incredible amount of strength." That is really proof that you know what you want. I am 90 days pseudo clean on suboxone. My D.O.C. was the percocet 10s... I have 22 in a bottle 20 feet from where I now type. I can't imagine not having that "safety net." Of course I have no intention of relapse (do we ever intend?) but the thought of not having them creates more stress than I can imagine.

Two years ago I quit for 3 month and only kept a 2 pill backup. It was those two pills that I thought I could use recreationally.. once.. .that led me back into the spiral... That time I had gone cold turkey ...my previous dosage was previously low and I had no idea what picking up those two pills would do to me in the end.

I never wanted to quit but I knew I had to. I have a great, albeit stressful job, but the cost of the pills was out of control! Is it a sure sign that at some point I will relapse because I refuse to get rid of my remaining pills? Of course it probably is ...I just can't imagine doing it. I can't imagine taking them again.. and I can't imagine getting rid of them.

Anyway, just know that you have done a wonderful thing and we all all very proud of you... I wish I had your desire...


Staylo.. I echo the sentiments of those who have already posted.. Run as fast as you can....if you are now faking pain and making doctor appointments to get them, you may be further along than you know.. Please read this entire thread from start to finish... it may motivate you to stop while you can... or while it is easier at least... we are all here to support you...please nip this in the bud!

[nymommy]

~~~once again F-ing amazing!!!...be proud of yourself...cause i can tell you that, that stash would've done you in...well, you knew that.....which only proves your resolve..WOW!..flushing my 2 vic's was an olympic event for me..cant imagine 200..amazing!!!!!

[Baby Steps]

Once Again!!!! Excellent!!! I am so so proud of you!!! That could not have been easy but it shows your will to be free and I am so proud of you for it! We all are!!! I relapsed (due to severe hip pain) weeks ago but will be quitting this week again but this time I hope it's for good as well. I am not looking forward to it but just have to do it and now that all my huge responsibilities are past and Noone needs me, no Corporate meetings to attend, no speeding tickets to go to court for, no kids needing me for special events, and no Christmas and New Year obligations (seems rediculous but so true) I will be able to crawl in a hole for a few days and get by at work... I am praying for success like you. Hang in there. You are ALL in my prayers every morning!!!

Peace ad Hugz,

Baby Steps to Adult Mistakes

[OnceAgain]

LISA GIRL, nymommy and babysteps: Thank you so much for your words of support. You may noy realize it but each of you have been insturmental in some fashion in getting me this far. First of all you are each very supportive of whoever comes here, be they clean for a long time or be they freshly fallen. I remember reading about nymommy posting how she flushed her pills not too lomg ago and actually, that was the 1st time I began to consider it. You see, the last time I had any clean time put together (50 days) I none the less had squirreled away an enormous stash. That stash was well above 2,000.00 Norcos (My DOC). There was not anyone within my circle of friends who wouldn't tell me GET RID OF THEM! If your really serious about this, get rid of em. I "got rid of them" by locking them into a high quality gun safe at home. My thought was, after a few weeks of being clean was to sell them and make back $8,000.00 to $10,000.00. It sounded good and I had associates who would gladely do the deal as real genuine Norco's which are pure and have not been altered are really difficult to find. So the offers were coming in. Some offers wanted only a few hundred while the whales would take the whole lot at $6.00 / pill and for any others I could locate. When he learned that I had a legit Rx in my pocket for another 1,440 of them little yellow pills he extended the offer to $17,000.00 Cash at transfer. I gave it serious thought but then too I thought of all whom I have read about who got caught and are now permenant guests of the Federal Government somewhere that I woudn't care for.

I told them all no, even when they raised the offer and sent them on their way.

Now boys and girls, that's a long way of saying that I didn't listen to the council of my friends and I decided I was smart enough, strong enough, wise enough to handle these little pills with such an enormous punch.

Long and short of it is that after 50 days of clean time a few issues came up and I thought that "Just a few" would be the ticket to make all things right.

And of course, those few really DID do the ticket but the next day I found that rather than two in my pocket, I had 10. Two days later I was doing 15 / day. In four days I had gone from 50 days of being clean to 15 or 20 a day................... just because I thought I could take "Just a few"

The 200 plus that I flushed tonight were the remnant of that enormous stash and I took them all myself! (Except for the 200 of course) That boys and girls is how one goes from being clean to doing 30 to 40 to 50 Norco's a day and find that they no longer offer that euphoria they once did, they no longe give you even a bit of energy and you find yourself taking stock in your life and get really pi$$ed at yourself that you have let all this happen [u]again</u>.

So nymommy, when I read of you flushing your little stash it started the wheels turning and I finally saw how wise that is..........to remove my direct access to any pills.

BTW, I had an appointment this Friday morning where I was to score another 1,500 Norcos. I caled them and told then it wasn't going to happen................ that I would not be back.

So LISA GIRL: I thought I was the strongest guy in the world. I thought I had will power that could not be shaken. I observed how Pig headed I was in going CT to get clean and misyakenly determined that I was above this thing finally. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

As one who has gleaned much from you many, many informative and compassionate posts, consider what you've just read. If you have access to them, you wil eventually use them. It is a staistical certainty. It is analagous as you attempting a walk across the desert with a 5gallon water storage back=pack and saying to yourself, "I won't drink ANY! Maybe not the 1st few steps, maybe not the 1st mile, but sometime, eventually that journey will get really dificult, scarey, chaotic and you'll drink.

I'm not going to take the time to proof read this as I'm just too tired. If I've missed anybody that I should have mentioned, forgive me. You are all so precious to me Sure miss reading AngelaH
She must have moved on to better things but I miss reading her posts.

unclenasty
mvpt
chrish
AngelaH
VTX1300
sparky
ComingHome
LISA GIRL
nymommy
BabySteps

To anyone I missed, slap me twice tomorrow. Right now this old man needs sleep.

Love you all and your posts REALLY HAVE been an integral part of my decission making process here. [u]Thanks All!</u>

[nymommy]

onceagain..you are a great asset to this forum!..good luck..hope everyday gets easier for you

[Baby Steps]

WOW Once Again! Talk about inspiration! I agree with you 100% in every single word you posted (which BTW did not need editing ) I have come to depend on this site and everyone of you and I Thank Each and Everyone of you for your prayers and support as well!!

You are an Amazing person and I am so very PROUD of your will to let go of your security blanket!! I don't think I could be that strong so I will have to wait til the last pill is gone and because I work from home on Fridays I can call off on Monday with the flu (Wink) and hopefully by Tuesday I can muster up enough strength to go to work.

To every single one of you.... You remain in my prayers (daily) and I am and will be here for some time because I will also need you guys to remind me or just support me through whatever happens and I Thank you!! Baby Steps for sure to all of us!! 1 second at a time.

I Love all of you very much! [:I]

Hugz,

Baby Steps

And Lisa Girl and NYMommy you guys have been Great as well Thanks!!!

[OnceAgain]

Baby Steps: I'll be holding you up in prayer. To me, it sounds as if your plan is well thought out. Have you got any comfort meds at home to help you through the weekend?

I know you've been through all this before so I'm sure you are aware of what awaits you. Please post and let us know how you are doing.

For me, it is Day 5

I slept well last night, with the assistance of some Ambien. What amazes me is that I haven't had the horrible bouts of restless legs that I've had so many times before, or the night sweats. Maybe the Ambien is keeping them at bay.

Regardless, I am so thankful for the successes I've clocked-up so far and for all your posts of encouragement.

[patmamma]

Hey everyone!
I am back with a new computer. I fell off the face of the earth for a while, but I am here.

I had the ****tiest Christmas ever due to my husband working himself into the hospital, (he had a nervous breakdown), then, they medicated him to the point that he doesnt remember Christmas, and I thought I was going to lose it. But I didnt. However, I did. I took a few pills throughout the experience so that I wouldnt lose it myself. I felt bad, but I cant look back now. My husband is now rested, I made him ski every day, and he got himself under control. I know that sounds weird, but he needs the recreation to combat the hard work. He has serious issues with depression and anxiety. I told him the answer wasnt meds but breathing. Although, who am I to say all of this?

I have gone two weeks here, then off a couple of days, then 6 days, then off for a couple of days, now I am off on day 6 again, but it has been a couple of months since I used percs on a daily basis. I have no intention of getting them again, but do I ever? The only reason I had gotten my hands on them at all, was because of another injury. Mountain biking season is over now, so I should be okay. No more injuries. Well, I hate to let you all in on my lame recovery, but there you go.

Hope you all are well. I need to read up on my posts and see how you are.

Patmamma

[tamara02]

Hey atmamma,just kiddin'patmama,so you got a new computer for x-mas,great!!! I got my new one last X-mas, sorry you had a sh---y x-mas.hope you hubby is doing better...where is everyone ,we've got lots of new names,which is Great!!! Mort. seems to have disappeared,miss her.well gonna run my lil guy is up and running around w/o any bottoms on,got to go play mom,take care and Hey,this new year is gonna be great ,I can feel it,love ya Tamm

[OnceAgain]

Sneezing like crazy! Has anyone else ever experienced that? I've experienced it before but usually at about day 2 or 3, not at day 5.

A bit of restless legs sitting here at my desk but not horrible.

Still feel creepy, kinda crawling out of my skin. And, I'm stil a bit astonished that I actually flushed all those yellow pills. It looked soooooooooo wierd to see those hundreds of pills laying at the bottom of the toilet bowl. There were so many that I wasn't sure they would all flush without blocking-up the toilet but down they went.

I even went trhough all my drawers and hiding places, all my pants pockets and jackets................. everywhere there might be a pill or two hiding. All I found was a half a pill in the bathroom drawer. It followed all the others into the city sewer system.

What's really wierd is that I feel even better about getting rid of my stash than I do about the 5 days. I guess its a matter of committment.

Perhaps the problem I've had all the other times. Emotion will only get one so far. Total success requires committment................ total committment.

I want my life back!

[OnceAgain]

Sneezing like crazy! Has anyone else ever experienced that? I've experienced it before but usually at about day 2 or 3, not at day 5.

A bit of restless legs sitting here at my desk but not horrible.

Still feel creepy, kinda crawling out of my skin. And, I'm stil a bit astonished that I actually flushed all those yellow pills. It looked soooooooooo wierd to see those hundreds of pills laying at the bottom of the toilet bowl. There were so many that I wasn't sure they would all flush without blocking-up the toilet but down they went.

I even went trhough all my drawers and hiding places, all my pants pockets and jackets................. everywhere there might be a pill or two hiding. All I found was a half a pill in the bathroom drawer. It followed all the others into the city sewer system.

What's really wierd is that I feel even better about getting rid of my stash than I do about the 5 days. I guess its a matter of committment.

Perhaps the problem I've had all the other times. Emotion will only get one so far. Total success requires committment................ total committment.

I want my life back!

[OnceAgain]

Sorry for the multiple posts but the server is acting up again.

[sparky]

Wow that was huge......you do realize that....flushing....thats a great way to say good by to that part of your life...keep up the good work....and I agree you gotta commit to this renewal of our lives....maybe even on paper....this typing at all of you sure is another good way to keep our convictions.....and Good Tuesday Morning.....

[sparky]

yes....sneezing is very common and could last a while

[OnceAgain]

sparky:

Yeah, flushing [u]is</u> rather symblomatic isn't it?

[dublinjoe]

The honesty level on this message board is pretty amazing, and encouraging. I am on the 4th day of my 6th and hopefully final detox. I've had prescriptions for pain killers for years now and hate the control they have over my life. Coming off them is pretty bad. Depression, insomnia, cramps, and I can't tell anyone, just have to suck it up and do it. Problem is I went to the doc yesterday for a checkup and once again he wrote the magic scrip. It's in a drawer, "in case I need it". Tear it up? I wish I could. What if I need it for real pain some time? I guess I'll be back for my 5th detox in due time.

[nymommy]

onceagain~~cant help but think how happy you made alot of sewer rats!..their probably all feelin REAL good bout now!!

[OnceAgain]

quote:Originally posted by nymommy

onceagain~~cant help but think how happy you made alot of sewer rats!..their probably all feelin REAL good bout now!!

nymommy: LMAO. Now THAT was funny! Now its their problem I guess.

I've gotta tell you how happy I am that I flushed those cause Jones'n the way I am right now, I'd be swallowing whatever I could get my hands on! None to be had though. I'm also I looked in all the "secret" hiding places yesterday and ferreted out any hidden treasure.

How's the sub taper going?

[OnceAgain]

BTW, 100 hours exactly.

Still feel like sh@t, really creepy and crawling out of my skin.

I know from all the times before (6 or 7 times of going CT), it will get better. One big difference this time is that I've taken positive steps to cut off my sources, even tried to burn those bridges so that I can't double back for a visit.

[ComingHome]

Once again,

You are a hero!

I mean that. I remember how it felt to flush my stash at the beginning of my 11 month clean stint. It felt sooooooo good. I know how you feel. You are very inspiring to me. Today is day one for me, no opiates.

Coming Home





There is ALWAYS hope

[nymommy]

once again..glad you had a laugh..hope it didnt take too much out of you!..my sub appt went ok..he wants to help me wean w/ clonidine..a blood pressure med, that seems to work for detox, and alot of other things..i'm hesitant because i have no BP problems, and i'd like to keep it that way..dont want to mess w/ that...i took my 1/2 of sub and cut IT in 1/2 w/ a sharp razor..so my plan is 1/2 of a 1/2 (.05mgs) for a week or too...i have comfort meds to help me...whats amazing is the size of the pill i'm taking is so so so tiny, and yet it gives me relief..maybe its in my head....

[LISA GIRL]

How anyone could get rid of that kind of stash is beyond me.. I know it is the thing to do.. I just can't imagine...Like I said, I have no intention of taking mine, but no intention of taking them either... I don't do well without the safety net..

....Once again... do you like the Patriots? You remind me of someone I use to know from one of these boards Amazing feat you did yesterday. Even though I'm 90 days clean on sub, you are COMMITTED!!!!!

[LISA GIRL]

oops above should read no intention of throwing them out either!

NYMOMMY..Funny stuff on the sewer rats!!TFFMNF!

[nymommy]

home again..i noticed you gave a shout out to all the "veterans"...how long you've been reading...all the people you mentioned were here when i started..i miss them too..hopefully everyone is doing well...i know angela was very instrumental in my recovery...then there was kdog who was soo strong in his cold turkey effort...lisagirl is still around thank god!..just hope everyone knows how they got me to the place i'm at..not all the way there , but certainly on the right road

[LISA GIRL]

Yeah Mommy.. I've been missing some of the old timers too.. Not that all you more recent posters aren't just as LOVED, just nice to hear from the people that we around when we first quit...kind of regenerates the resolve.

[OnceAgain]

quote:Originally posted by nymommy

once again..glad you had a laugh..hope it didnt take too much out of you!..my sub appt went ok..he wants to help me wean w/ clonidine..a blood pressure med, that seems to work for detox, and alot of other things..i'm hesitant because i have no BP problems, and i'd like to keep it that way..dont want to mess w/ that...i took my 1/2 of sub and cut IT in 1/2 w/ a sharp razor..so my plan is 1/2 of a 1/2 (.05mgs) for a week or too...i have comfort meds to help me...whats amazing is the size of the pill i'm taking is so so so tiny, and yet it gives me relief..maybe its in my head....

nymommy: I've done the clonodine before in the form of a transdermal patch, sorta like the no smoking patches we all see.

It worked fairly to well mitigate thew/d symptoms usually experienced in opiate wuthdrawal. The onlu down side I ever experienced is that it gave me cotton mouth like CRAZY...........sorta like back in the 6o's and 70's but for all the other reasons. You will drink lots and lots of water which can't be bad in the overall detox progress. The only side effects other than those is the can lead to a bit of lazyiness and lastly, if the patches are removed too soon, be prepared for the headache of your life.

My only other comment is that I personally love them for withdrawal.

Too many typing errors to correct. Im tired and an Ambien is calling to me and forcing my eyes closed. Hope this worked.

[OnceAgain]

quote:Originally posted by LISA GIRL

How anyone could get rid of that kind of stash is beyond me.. I know it is the thing to do.. I just can't imagine...Like I said, I have no intention of taking mine, but no intention of taking them either... I don't do well without the safety net..

....[u]Once again... do you like the Patriots? You remind me of someone I use to know from one of these boards </u>Amazing feat you did yesterday. Even though I'm 90 days clean on sub, you are COMMITTED!!!!!

Lisa: Who is it that I remind you of? Take a shot cause I'm pretty sure you are right.

[LISA GIRL]

Well since you asked.. wasn't sure if you wanted to remain incognito, you remind me of our fearless leader KAI-DOG! I think I remember something about 400 pills stashed in a vault at one point..and obsession with proofreading! And I know he enjoyed talking with one lead paint baby! WELCOME HOME!!!

I do have a question about ativan for ya... but bed time for me now. I'll save it for tomorrow.. I think you have some familiarity with that and I have recently gotten a script for that. Glad the ambien is helping you sleep.. I love that stuff.. but you probably remember that from last time... just be careful....there are some really weird stories out there....