[ComingHome]

Sparky, I know what you mean. I am so glad I found this site - I feel so lucky. This is the only place where I feel like I can be completely honest and "spill the beans" (if you will)about my struggles. NA is great, but I don't have the courage to tell them all what is going on yet. Thank you all for reading and thank you for your empathy even if you haven't directly responded to me. I just feel liberated to be able to tell people what is going on with my struggle. In the end, that may be a big part of why I am going to get clean again. It is so hard to stop once you start up again. It's as if I never stopped. BUT, I've done it before, and I will do it again. All I need is that divine spark to get me started, and the rest is up to me to keep it going. I've had that spark a couple times since my initial slip, but I let it go due to traveling on my job and not staying with my program. It is my own fault, but I can use my experiences as a learning tool, and hopefully others reading this will learn from my mistakes. SO, ultimately, some good will come out of this. Good comes out of everything, and I think it is important to remain positive even during the "slips."

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[OnceAgain]

Closing in on 48 hours of being clean.

In some respects this has been worse than before, more difficult than any previous time of going CT. The lack of sleep is ugly. I find myself up and wandering the halls of the house all night long because I can't sleep. Finally last night I did take an Ambien and that afforded me about 6 hours of sleep. I'm really appreciative of that.

Maybe the hardest thing for me however is the absolute total lack of energy. I've posted before that the energy spike was the thing which drew me into this romance with the Vic's in the 1st place. Now with no drugs in my body and having altered my brains natural production of "get up and go", just getting out of a chair is a chore.

Also too, the cravings are pretty intense. I'm having to fight all those voices in my head, the same ones I've had to fight so many times before. The ones who say

"You can't REALLY quit."
"Just a few to take the edge off."
"Look how many times you've failed before............ you know you're just going to fail again."
"Why drag it out?"

And perhaps the most decptive voice of all.

"This time we'll just do a few a day. We won't get stupid like last time. We've learned how to control it now."

I'll tell you all one thing though, I have rediscovered an intensity to my prayer life that had been unknowingly abandoned for a long time.

I want my life back so much. I so want to be normal again........... but to be honest, I no longer remember what normal is like. Even 6 months ago when I had chalked-up 50 days clean, I'm not convinced that was enough clean time to really rediscover and experience what normal is like.

Oh well, 2 days and counting. I know there is still a fight ahead of me but you know what? Sometimes you just have to walk into that dark alley........... knowing that you're going to get your ass kicked, because the objective on the other side is so valuable, so precious that the ass kicking is worth it.

God Bless you all.

[tinkers]

once again

How are you I feel your pain but there is hope I too like you have been up and down for many many years but there are ways to break the addiction for me church and suboxone were the two things that have helped me a great deal and for I have read about you sub would be a great help to you think about it.

[OnceAgain]

tinkers:

Thanks for the kind words. I have indeed thought about sub but have always opted for the CT route. In my heart of hearts, I have resolved that if this effort, this time doens't produce lasting results, I will give the sub a try.

To all else who come here and post or who come here and just lurk, God be with you as you continue on your journey to a life as He intended. I have heard His voice more clearly in these last two days than I have in a long, long time.

[brett]

im back on pills agian after mnths

[sparky]

brett...sorry for what you must be going thru....as I know, I have been there as many others.....hope you are ok and resolved not to let it get out of control....so you slipped....get back on the horse you were once so resolved to...before it takes you down lower than the time before....good luck

[sparky]

Hello and good sunday morning.....I have not seen alot of the regular posters....hope all is well....even tho I do not know you personally...I still like knowing how you are holding up in this commom battle we are all hoping to win....send me a hi.....

[ComingHome]

Hi Sparky. I'm not a normal poster - new poster, but I guess I'm sort of becoming regular. I was a lurker on this board for a long time, and I noticed that in and around holidays many of the regulars either slow down or stop posting. Hey, is it just me or do I see a lot of posts about sub being great, posted by current sub users. I hardly ever see "former" sub users who are now clean off opiates completly. No offense meant to anyone, just an observation. Well, I'm planning on doing this thing again. I did it before for 11 months, and I will do it again.

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[nymommy]

hi all...happy new year..been away..great observation "coming home"..i rarely see former sub users touting their current success..i am still holding on to my 1/2 a sub a day...a very small dose, which for the life of me, cant seem to let go of....seeing the sub doc tomorrow, hoping he'll have a plan for me...i know clonidine is often used to get off sub or any pain pills...did stay off the sub for 3 days...and i felt an overwhelming craving for my DOC..so i went back on..just being off the vic's is somewhat of a success....so for now i'll hold on to that...

[tamara02]

hi,sparky,I was also wondering where most of the regulars are!! lisagirl where are you?hope all is well,let us know!!!Morticia,now you are starting to worry me,,,I haven't posted the past few days haven't been feelin to well,still on the sub,the worst thing about it is the constipation,plan on tapering next month,doc says so..good luck everyone,have a great nightTamm

[LISA GIRL]

Hey guys.... I'm here... sorry with the holidays etc just been busy. Also feel like I don't have much new to say....nearing 90 days on the sub...I guess it has gone ok...I think less and less about the percocet, but still find myself wanting SOMETHING...to feel altered in some way. I am beginning a workout regimyn next week and hope that will do something to help with my desire to dull reality.

Agree with the above statements.. I would rather stay on the sub indefinitely than worry about relapse to my DOC. I just worry about any potential long term effects of suboxone that my not have yet been discovered.. It is, after all, a relatively new drug I believe.

Hope you all have a wonderful week. Tammy I hope you feel better.

[ComingHome]

NYmommy, 1/2 sounds like a really small dose. I think you are headed in the right direction, and I agree that it is better than popping vic's. I live in California, and I don't know if we have sub doctors out here or not. I think cold turkey is probably the best route for me anyway since I'm on such a low opiate dose since my slip. I just need to find that divine spark to get it going again. That is what happened when I got 11 months - I'm not kidding. It's like I found my higher power, and rode that for many months. As soon as I stopped searching for my higher power, I lost my clean time though. I really think spirituality is something you have as long as you are seeking it, and you lose it as soon as you "find it." Hope that makes sense to someone else reading.

Good luck all.

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[staylo74]

I don't know if I am becoming addicted to Lortab, but I am finding that when I have a bad day or something stressful occurs, I pop a pill. I don't do it everyday, but all it takes is something to go wrong.



I had gone for weeks without any and finally went to the dentist and fibbed about a toothache. I only got 12 and I am already nervous about what to do when those are gone.

When I complain of back pain, I get the muscle relaxer and anti-inflammatory song and dance and that just pisses me off.

I don't get how so many people are addicted to these pills when they are so hard to get.

[staylo74]

I'm not sure if I am addicted to painkillers or not, I don't take them everyday, but all it takes is a stresser or a bad day.

I don't find getting them very easy either, so I don't understand how people become so addicted.

I complain of back pain and get the muscle relaxer routine.

I have a few, but am already nervous about what to do when they are gone.

[staylo74]

sorry for posting twice, I am new here...Wish someone would talk to me, I could use it.

[OnceAgain]

Three Days!

Man-Oh-Man I knew this weekend was going to be a rough ride but had forgotten how creepy one feels while going CT. If it were not for some sleeping aids I would not have slept at all. Never the less, I have resisted the urge to indulge, not even one and as of 11:00 this morning, I'll officially be on day 4.

I read all these posts and read of all the pain and suffering we endure, self inflicted though it may be, and my heart bleeds. The most troubling of the posts are those who feel there is no hope. That's a lie. There is always hope and thought the road to recovery may be difficult, it is possible to do.

Yes you may stumble............ as I have many times, but you MUST get back with it, you MUST try again because eventually it will work.

I sure hope this is that time for me.

To all of you with some clean time, especially those of you with some serious clean time, huge congratulations.

We all have to keep fighting.

Thank you all who post and share your victories and failures, your fears and ambitions. They really do mean a lot to all the rest of us.

[OnceAgain]

quote:Originally posted by staylo74

I'm not sure if I am addicted to painkillers or not, I don't take them everyday, but all it takes is a stresser or a bad day.

I don't find getting them very easy either, so I don't understand how people become so addicted.

I complain of back pain and get the muscle relaxer routine.

I have a few, but am already nervous about what to do when they are gone.

staylo74:

You are wise to be concerned about your use of these pills.

I have used them for almost 10 years and during that time have met literally hundreds of others who have developed problems with addiction. Without exception, every single addict I've met at one time thought they could control their usage. It's just always that way. We are all deceived into using more and more often and at a higher and higher dosage.

These pain pilss will deceptively ensnare you and you will be completely astonished when you find yourself spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars a week obtaining pills, maybe even forging scripts, maybe stealing............... all sorts of things to get pills.

My advice would be to run away from them as fast as you can.

There are many people in the world who can use pain pills as prescribed....... say for a week or so and then leave them alone without another thought. I am not one of them. If I have one I have to have ten. For me it got so bad that I was doing 30 to 40 hydro 10's / day and no longer even felt the buzz. That's almost 300 pills a week! Street value at $4.00 to $5.00 / pill? How about $1,200.00 to $1,500.00 a week and the risk of prison time if caught.

Worse than any of that is how they robb you of your love of life. They become all consuming and captivate your every waking moment and thought.

Step away while you can painlessly. If you don't, you will live to regret it.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Best of luck.

[OnceAgain]

I just spoke of how these pills rob you of your love of life. Has anyone else experienced that. Thses past few months I have just been so lazy and unmotivated about ANYTHING. That is so unlike what I remember about myself. Then again, other than the clean times I've experienced, I don't remember what "normal" is. Even when I was clean last time (for 50 days), I'm not sure that was enough time to re-experience "normal".

Never the less, once again I am resolved to fight this thing and I thank God for the strength He has given me thus far.

At this point, I have to mark my victories where I can, be that an hour at a time or a day at a time. Hopefully Friday I'll be posting a week clean.

[OnceAgain]

quote:Originally posted by brett

im back on pills agian after mnths

brett:

How long were you clean? How long ago did you slip? Climb back on before it gets too difficult.

BTW, EVERYBODY here can relate to relapse. I know that I sure can.

Good luck.

[sparky]

Hi...Good Monday Morning........staylo....yes the pills do make you feel so good in the beginning...we all could relate, I'm sure....since you are even here asking such a question and because you fibbed to get more raises a Big Red flag.....I would suggest nipping it in the bud asap..good luck

Tam...my suggestion about being backed up because of sub....I have used with success: magnesium citrite...then after you get some movement keep drinking lots of water and green leafy vegies

Suboxone use.....I guess this is a site where most of us come seeking support and wisdom.....so most posters are probably still struggling...at least thats what I'm thinking...those who have successfully moved away from opiates completely don't need to come here as often...they are hopefully growing in other parts of their life......As hard as it may be I still feel it is important for myself to eventually break the sub cycle...yes, it is a wonder drug and I am way better off than in the vike days....but reality to me is being off that too.....and I think most of us in our heart of hearts would agree....its part of the ongoing process to beat the addiction

coming home... just a thought....I agree that like our drug addiction needs constant reminding to stay away...I think with our spirituality we will always need to seek...that is our process of growth, too....I don't think you loose your spirituality it just not as close...

Oh...and I can totally relate to this lack of motivation thing....I promiced myself all week I'm going to the gym....and setting out to accomplish some goals....it is so easy to get sidetracked...like right now...on this comperter....ok ok ....I'm leaving got to get to YOGA

[OnceAgain]

Not sure what's happening here but I am having trouble posting.

Officially Day 4.

I am amazed at how little energy I have. It is as though gravity is 10X normal and every motion is a real effort.

I have decided that tonight, as soon as I get home, I am going to have the big flush. I am going to flush the 200 Hydro 10's I have. Even though I have no cravings now, I just know from prior experience that I will eventually cave in and I'm just getting too old to go through all this **** again.

Like so many others have already said, myself included, all I want is to have my old life back. I am so sick of allowing these little yellow pills to control every aspect of my life, of my relationships, of my business and of my finances.

What a price we all pay for dancing with the devil. There is no free ride and there is no way that one can use opiates on a daily basis without them exacting a horrible price.

I must get rid of them tonight. I'd do it right now but I left them at home so that I wouldn't be tempted while I was at work.

Best to all.

[OnceAgain]

Geeze

[OnceAgain]

I'm not quite sure what's going on here today. I've tried to post quite a few times but haven't been able to.

[staylo74]

Onceagain, thank you for your words of encouragement. I know the road to addiction is a dead-end. My father has been a drug addict for over 25 years and has literally lost everything. At one point over the holidays he was homeless until I found a friend to let him move in. He must stay clean or he has to leave and I honestly don't know if he can. I am already predisposed to addiction and have terrible problems with depression and anxiety. I use the pills as an escape from things that I cannot deal with sober.

It's hard to accept or to even admit, but they have become a coping mechanism for me already. I stayed up half the night last night trying to find out how to get them on the internet.

We don't have the money for me to be addicted to anything, and I worry about that as well.

I will definately keep in touch and I really appreciate the feedback, I think talking to those who have felt the way I do is so much more important than anything thing else that I have tried.

[OnceAgain]

staylo74:

Using the pills to cope is an age old song for most of us. For me they initially gave me so much energy........... tons of energy, to work and work and work. Then I found that I was using them when "things" got tough. Before I knew it I was running out two weeks into my monthly Rx, then one week into it. It is an aweful price we pay for flirting with them.

Good luck with your battle. Listen to that voice inside that tells you the truth, not the one that lies. Unfortunately we have them both.

[ComingHome]

Once Again, I applaud your conviction and I am behind you all the way. We cannot beat this thing on self will, but we can beat it together and with a higher power than ourselves. You remind me of myself when I quit and ended up getting 11 months. You have that drive and conviction. I'm a little envious. Use that momentum and conviction and ask your higher power for help, and I know you will succeed. I can tell. DO IT! Flush those damn things no matter what anybody else says. When I got 11 months, it was only after I flushed my entire stash and went "riding without a net." As long as they are around, we will take them. Keep us posted.

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[OnceAgain]

ComingHome:

The last time I went CT I was clean for almost two months. My down-fall was that I had kept my stash, despite the urgings of others to get rid of it, and as usual, I thought that I could take "just a few". What a joke!

I just finished rereading my journal from that last time I went cold turkey. It is a bit depressing re-reading the difficulties I had up to about day 10 and realizing that I've got at least another week of this ugliness.

Never the less, I am so determined to make this my last time of going through this. Like so may others, I just want my life back. I just want my life back.

Frankly I was so heart broken to read of your set-back after 11 months of being clean. What an enormous accomplishment that must have been and how difficult it must be to see it swept away.

Remind me if you will, are you clean now? On sub? Sorry for not remembering but again, there are just too many players here for me to remmeber all the particulars for each one. I'll get it eventually though.

[OnceAgain]

ComingHome:

I just read a few of the old posts and see that you are in California. Me too. Not that that means anything. Just thought I'd mention it.

Best of luck.

[ComingHome]

Once Again, I'm not clean right now. I slipped, then I got 3 weeks clean, and now it seems I'm chronically slipping lately. I just don't have that drive, that desire to stay clean YET. I will get it though. I am reading the big book and other literature, and I will get back to daily NA meetings this week. I just need to do the actions since actions are a sign of faith. I am taking a very small amount daily, but I want to catch it before it spirals out of control, AND IT ALWAYS DOES if we don't catch it. I know I can do this. I know we all can if we just stay focused. Congrats again on your clean time - it is a huge accomplishment. You are providing inspiration for me and many others who read this.

Coming Home

There is ALWAYS hope

[OnceAgain]

Crawling out of my skin here.

Why do we do this to ourselves?