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Opiate Recovery MAJOR Depression!
17 days clean from 2 year 40 mg a day oxy habit. My wife is an addict and still using. I am going through MAJOR depression. Here are my issues:
1. Stress because no stability with current job
2. Stress because insurance running out soon
3. Wife upset about current job and constantly reminding me
4. Wife upset with my “sulking” and said she is sick of it
5. Wife told me to just go away for while last night
I have nowhere to turn at this point. I am just about to have one very serious meltdown and I don't know what to do. I upped my dosage of lexapro but that is not helping at all. This depression coupled with my wife's problems is killing me!
Last edited by ddcmod; 06-05-2011 at 06:37 PM.
Hang in their brother...your in one heck of a tough situation and I will be praying for you often. Does your wife have any desire to quit or is she planning on continuing her use? I want to say that you must me one strong willed dude to get 17 days clean while living with them right there within your reach. Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with for a while while until your better able to handle the stresses? I hope the best for you and things will get better as long as you don't use. If you use it will only make it worse...just hang in there and something will change. God bless...toast
Thank you for the encouraging words Toast. Yes, maybe there is an opportunity for us to get away from each other for a little bit. However, I don't really like that option as family would find out about marital and / or opiate issues. She said that she will quit September 1st. I guess we will find out. What really hurts is that I have supported her through so many downs. The one time, ONE time, I have a little life issue and she is ready to run for the door. That scares the living hell of me. What would happen if I really got sick? A little detox sickness coupled with depression and she’s running around having a meltdown?!
Yes, the pills are in the house and within my reach whenever I want them. Nevertheless, there is NO DAMN WAY IN HELL that I am ever going to take another pill again! Willpower is an understated word in my case. I have absolute conviction. The first thought that I think every single morning, “one pill, and you’re done”. I say it every morning and every day…and I will say it till the day I die.
No offense man but your wife doesn't deserve you. I'm not sure if you know this or not but that depression is coming from opiate withdrawal and can last a while. The lexepro is pushing your saratonin but its your dopamine and endorphins that are out of wack and once your wife finally makes that leap ( assuming she does ) she will feel it too and I doubt you would tell her to go away for a while! I know depression can have a hard impact on a marriage but your wifes actions are absurd, especially since she'll know how you are feeling on about September 4th...
It almost sounds to me as if your wife, on some conscious or unconscious level wants you to relapse. Misery ALWAYS loves company. If she were clean, I could see her annoyance with you, but she's not and her being so unsupportive is really not good for you. What is the significance of Sept. 1? It's very difficult when one party is active and one is getting clean.
Thanks Yez and NewYork
She is so out of whack right now. For ten years, I have always been her strength and support. And trust me, I have some stories. She was and is constantly relying on me, which is partly my fault as well. She completely freaked the minute I showed a sign of weakness, like she just saw an alien for the first time. I have forgiven her for so much over the course of our 10 year marriage. However, somewhere in the back of my mind, this time is different. I saw a side of her that really scared the hell out of me. Can I really count on her when things get really bad? I can't find any other answer but no. And that scares the living ???? out of me. I told her this morning that I was sorry (just to stop the damn arguement) and she said sorry as well, but didn't want to talk about any further. Somewhere in the back of mind I just got a sickly feeling. Maybe somewhere in her subconscious she does want me to fail...but if that were true...then I really would be up the marriage creek. It doesn't matter anyway...I am 18 days clean today!!! I rolled through all of that ???? and kept my sobriety. No one can take that from me. I appreciate everyones support and feedback. It feels so comforting to have all of your support. Thanks again.
She just picked a date. Tried to get her to quit with me but she said it would be too hard this time due to obligations. One of us had to have our stuff together. Her choice for now, but you can bet your house that I will be asking her to quit come September.
Dear Sun and Fun,
Bravo on 18 days! That's a major victory against opiate addiction - especially with so many obstacles in your path. At least you're past the worst of the physical withdrawal, which is what often keeps us from stopping.
The path ahead will have more to do with the emotional and psychological issues that go hand-in-hand with addiction. Drugs, basically, kept us 'numb' from life, dulled the difficult emotions, denied the serious issues, and kept us basically locked up within ourselves, in own little world of denial. Drugs were our #1 coping tool - if times got tough, time to pop another pill. So we come out of the physical dependency, and wonder, "Why am I feeling all this c??p"? Well - that "c??p" is the stuff we've been avoiding.
We have a mountain of issues from our jobs, our marriage, our family - that were only made worse by our drug use. So right now - you're seeing the full picture with clear eyes, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and stressed - while your wife remains closed off by her drug use. Add to those feelings the changes in your brain chemistry that are on-going, and it's no wonder you're depressed!
This disease consumes us while we're active - it consumes every aspect of our being and every piece of our lives. It's a powerful adversary, and it's only with more and more time clean that you'll come to see just how much it was controlling. This is where most of us need help - trying to sort through the mess we've made, manage the emotions that are all over the map, while resisting the desire to escape. This is where the best help you can find would be NA or AA. That can be your escape - your place to vent and re-center yourself - your source of strength and encouragement. That's where you'll find people who have walked in similar shoes - who can reassure you and offer their own hard-won wisdom on how to navigate life without a drink or a drug.
It is too much to try to manage alone. The disease is simply too powerful and too sneaky. Just keeping the positive mindset and conviction that "I'll never use again ever" is NOT enough for any of us. Willpower only goes so far. Early on in our recovery, that kind of thinking may get us through, as the memory of how crazy our lives had been using is still fresh. As months and years go on, our disease will play mind games on us, trying to convince us that "it wasn't so bad" and "what harm could one little pill/drink/whatever do now?" Our disease will romanticize the pleasure from a drug - and deny the nightmare. I know it's hard to believe that now, when you're feeling so determined - but it happens to all of us.
Take it slow, as best you can. Be patient with yourself and the circumstances that you now face. You didn't make a mess of things overnight - and it won't turn around quickly, either. But, as long as you keep the primary focus on working toward stronger recovery - the rest will fall into place. I strongly urge you to pursue NA or AA - check out some meetings, and see what it's all about.
That was absolutely amazing advice. I have a very deep conviction that I will not use right now or near future. The nightmare is still too vivid for me to ever go back. Everywhere I turn, I see a trigger and I am mindful of it. I see the trigger and let it pass right on by. You make a great point, that as time passes on, I will have less clarity into the nightmare of my past. I guess that is why they say this is sickness that will stay with us the rest of our lives. I will take your advice and take the steps necessary to ensure that my future is as sober as my present. Man, I never want to go back.
Sorry Casual, that is not an option. She did hurt the hell out of me. And there is some lingering fear about the future with her and how she will deal with my stumbles. However, I need to have compassion for her right now. She is sick. I am sick. Throwing her to the curb would be like giving up on myself. I simply can't do that. I am not going to say that I have not had that thought in the last couple of days...but deep down I know that it is not the right thing to do.
that comment is really not helpful, if you are talking about his wife.
Originally Posted by casual
Sun & Fun
Might just be me but sounds like your wife is upset with you for getting clean & not being there with her while using & trying to make you miserable until you break & start using again. Don't fall for the trap you've made HUGE steps & with her or w/out the deprseeion comes with it. I habve been spending days in bed with other health issues / pain & even have my meds I stopped here that I'm keep away from & onlt taken a few hydro's a day to allow me to get up & get to the bathroom & help my daughter with homework or driver her to the pool. My wife is an over worked person & is my best friend for sticking with me thru some terrible times so maybe once you are feeling the strength you can help her but for now take care of yourself so it might end happily..
Good job & you should be proud of yourself
Thank you for the encouraging words Leo. She might be doing some of that on one level. The plan is for me to get straight and then be her strenth trough the detox, like I have been her strength through so many other things. Sorbriety for myself is the number one goal right now. Today is Day 19 and counting! Looking forward to day 20!
It's 1 thing to get through 20 days, its quite another to get through 20 days with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should be EXTREMELY proud!
Thank you very much Yez! Yes, I am extremely proud! I feel great today. I excercised yesterday and today. My depression has eased up a little and I can feel the difference. Thank you so much for the support. Looking forward to getting through today and having a thankful day 21 tomorrow!
I wanted to give everyone an update b/c I am so thankful for your amazing support. Today is day 21 of sobriety! I am litterly feeling better by the day. My wife and I had a solid heart to heart this morning. I was able to tell her how hurt I was by her actions while I was in the midst of hell. She cried and said she was very selfish and apologized. She said the reason she acted that way was because I scared her. She knows that she will be facing it someday soon and seeing me in hell really scared her and gave her less incentive to quit. I told her that I understand. I certainly can see how that can scare the hell out of someone still using. I promised her that when it is her time to quit, that I will do everything humanly possible to make it as comfortable on her as I can. You people are so amazing. You have provided me with so much inspiration and comfort. I will continue to visit this site everyday. I will try to pay it forward and help those that I can. Thank you so much.
I just wanted to jump in and give you my support, when I got clean everyone I new hated me.....they felt like I left them behind.. but i had to do it, I was going to loose everything... Please keep us posted on how your doing !
Thank you for opening up Melinda. It is amazing how we all share many of the same experiences. You did the right thing. I did the right thing. In the end, only our sobriety matters. Today is Day 22! It is crazy how I can litterly feel the progress of healing each day. I have been an excercise machine lately which is helping my depression immensely. I am sore from the excercise...but the crazy thing is that I actually enjoy this pain / soreness. No pills needed...I am high on life right now. Keep it up Melinda. Sobriety is an amazing gift.
These are the posts I love to read
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
I can say the best feeling I had was after 12 yrs of "ALWAYS" making sure I had a bottle of pills in my pocket even if it was just to run & get milk or bread I "HAD TO" have them with me at all times. I got so bad I was even sleeping with a bottle in my pillow case when I slept in case I needed them in the middle of the night. Grant it I did wake up often in the middle of the night in such pain I didn't want to have to get up & wake my wife up since she had to work but thats how bad it was for a LONG LONG TIME.
Its been "MONTHS" now without taking even 1 pill with me while going out for the entire day with my family & I can remember the first day I left the house "KNOWING IT WAS TIME" to leave them behind. It was like being released from HELL.....
It's all I wanted to talk about & drove my wife to the point she got mad at me but all it was - was that I released myself from the evil nightmares that go along with being where I was. For all of those going thru it just don't expect too much praise RIGHT away by the people you've let down too many times because this is what my wife told me while laying in bed 1 night after I asked what more can I do to make you understand??
"Sweetie it will just take time"
Not at all what I wanted to hear but I just rolled over & cried myself to sleep knowing all the pain & disappointment I caused her.... If it weren't for HER & MY DAUGHTER I never could have done what I've done & I'm working very hard to gain the respect & trust back from them EVERYDAY... I hope she realizes how difficult it is but her sticking with me when I'd given her every reason not to I will NOT FAIL HER AGAIN...
Just remember it will take time BUT that doesn't mean you & all of us can't be SUPER PROUD OF YOU!!!!!
Thank you Leo. Congratulations on your success! You should walk out of that house every day with a sense of real pride. You overcame so much. Stand tall and be proud!
Just got out of bed from the pain
All I can say is :THANK YOU VERY MUCH" for your kind words it does help with the daily battles